Working Class Jokes

There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit. She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there. An attendant saw her and said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here." The blonde replied, "I can and I will." The attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman. "Ma'am, we really can't have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy." "You can't make me move." The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it didn't work. Finally, a man who had heard what had been going on told the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her. After a quick chat with her, she moved. The shocked attendant asked him how he did it. The man replied, "I told her first class wasn't going to Detroit."

There's this blonde.
She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat.
The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets.
She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class.
please move to the back of the plane"
The blonde replies "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job.
I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica"
So the flight attendant, now hot under the collar at the blonde's response, goes to another flight attendant and tells him what happened.
so he goes up to her and asks her to move to the back of the plane.
She then responds "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job.
I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica".
So the two flight attendants are steaming mad and they go to the co-pilot and tells him what is going on.
He comes back to where the blonde is sitting and leans over and whispers something in her ear.
The two flight attendants were astonished when the blonde abruptly got up from her seat and moved to the back of the plane.
They looked at each other and then the co-pilot and asked him what he told her.
The co-pilot, feeling good about himself told them "oh, this happened a while back with someone else.
I just simply told the woman that the front half of the plane wasn't going to Jamaica".

Philosophy final

in a class for philosophy, the teacher looks at his class, grabs his chair, places it on his desk and tells the entire classroom about his final.
"You have only one question: use your knowledge that I have taught you in this class and prove to me that this chair doesn't exist. You have until the end of class."
Now while everyone else in the class worked on long complicated answers to his problem, one student got up from his desk almost as soon as it begun. The student smiles and hands the teacher his paper and was off.
The teacher, almost sad that the student didn't even try, looked at the sheet of paper and gave the student an "A"
His answer: What chair?

A fun joke to tell your friends.

This joke is pretty fun to tell, but you need a friend to make it work.
You: A class went on a field trip to the zoo. The teacher stopped by the gorilla cage and said "Can anyone tell me what animal this is?" the r**... kid raised his hand and said "It's a gorilla." Everyone said "Yay for the little r**... kid!" They continue and the teacher stops by the flamingos and asks the same question. The r**... kid raised his hand and said "They're flamingos!" everyone said "Yay for the little r**... kid!" They stopped at another pen with white and striped horses in it. They're white, and they have black stripes... I can't remember what they are. (Act like you really don't know)
Your friend: Zebra.
You: *claps* Yay for the little r**... kid!

A teacher asks her students what their parents do for a living...

Jack answers, "my daddy's a scientist, and my mom is a nurse."
Suzie answers, "my mommy's an architect."
"And how about you, Johnny?" the teacher asks one student. Johnny looks up at her and says, "my dad works at a gay s**... club. Every night, he dances in a g-string for a bunch of men, and once in a while one of the men will pay him and he'll go to the man's house for the night." The teacher, shocked, hurriedly moves the class along to the next activity.
A little while later, she pulls Johnny aside while the rest of the students are working, and asks, "did you really mean that when you said your dad's a gay stripper?" Johnny looks up and says, "no, he's one of Mitt Romney's campaign managers, but that was too embarrassing to tell the whole class."

Philosophy 112, or the joke that I just told in a dream and have to write down for posterity

Take this guy, Bob. He's coming into his early 40s, and goes into a midlife crisis. He tells his wife he wants to go back to school and study all the stuff he never got to when he was working so hard as a kid. She's fully supportive, feeling there are worse things he could be doing in this phase of his life, and they get him enrolled at a local university.
Bob starts taking random b**... classes. His first semester he takes Archaeology 101, Sociology 102, and his favorite, Philosophy 112: History of early modern philosophy. He starts learning about all the great thinkers who laid the groundwork for all of our thinking today, and he just falls in love with it. Doesn't care he's surrounded by 18 year olds for six hours a week, he just dives right in.
One day, his buddy Jim calls him up to talk. Jim's also going through a midlife crisis. He's doing a much more destructive path, however. He calls Bob up and tells him he knows of an excellent e**... service. He says they should take a "business trip," have a little fun, the wife doesn't need to know.
Bob thinks about it, and says, "No, I've got a huge philosophy paper due in a couple days and I should work on that."
Jim looks at him like he's insane, calls him a p**..., and storms away. But Bob is confident.
Bob knows that sometimes, it's good to put Descartes before the w**....

Read the punchline out loud. I first heard this in high school, not sure how well it translates to print.

Poor Tom.
When he was seven, he lost his left eye in a tragic accident. Being from a poor family, the only replacement they could afford was a wooden eye.
When he was seventeen, three weeks before the prom, he was still dateless. He decided to work up the courage to ask someone, but he knew he has limits. He set his eye of Amy, a girl in his class, who spoke with a lisp.
He walked up to her at lunch, while she was surrounded by her friends, and he managed to stammer out a quiet "willyougotothepromwithme?"
"Whath that? I can't hear what you're thaying."
"Will you go to the prom? With me?" he answered, a little louder.
Amy smiled. She never thought anyone would ask her!
"Go with you? Would I? Would I?"
"LISP LISP LISP!"

Little Johnny

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development. At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.
Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom."
Everybody agreed to this plan. Next day...
Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita."
Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk." Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes - Suzie!"
Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home."
Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie! At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: "Oh heavens, Johnny tell me what new development is being built near your home."
Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel."
All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave. Little Johnny says, "Hey, relax girls... it hasn't opened yet!"

Bill is taking a skydiving class...

and he is really nervous about it. At his first jump, his instructor (Ed) is trying to calm him down.
"It's really simple Bill. You jump out, count to ten, and pull the cord."
Bill, sweating bullets responds "what if that doesn't open?"
Ed smiles and says "that is why you have a reserve c**.... Just pull it's cord."
That seemed to work, so Bill stands and goes to the door of the plane. Right before he jumps, he freezes and turns his head, and says "but what if the reserve doesn't open!?!"
Ed sighs, and says "haven't had a complaint yet!" And pushes him out the door.

Is s**... work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the
colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and
he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the
question of just how much of s**... was "work" and how much of it was
"pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work .
A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in
favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the
time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC (Private First Class) who was in
charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be
100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."

Language Lessons

Two restaurants face each other across a city street. Every day the owner of the Greek restaurant, Nick, brings out his specials board, looks across the street at the Chinese restaurant and calls out to the owner:
"Hey, Chan! What comes with your specials today?"
"Flied lice!"
Just as it has done for years, this sends Nick into paroxysms of laughter, and makes Chan feel ashamed of his English skills. Chan's daughter signs him for ESL classes, and Chan works hard at improving his diction:
"Flied lice, flied lice, fried lice, fried lice, fried rice, fried rice, fried rice!"
So, Chan waits for Nick to come out the next day, and carries out his board just as Nick looks up, and as always, Nick is ready to taunt him.
"Hey, Chan!", he shouts, "What you serving with your specials today?"
Gathering himself, Chan shouts confidently across the street:
"FRIED RICE, YOU GLEEK PLICK!"

the knights

What is the name of the knight who moonlights as a geologist?
Sir Vey
What is the name of the agreeable knight?
Sir Tenly
What is the name of the Knight who used to be a s**...?
Sir Vent
What are the names of the Knights who run the graduation ceremony?
Sir Amony and Sir Tiffy Cashien
What is the name of the Knight who is also an OB/GYN?
Sir Vix
What is the name of the Knight on l**...?
Sir Real
What is the name of the Knight who makes pottery?
Sir Amik Vaze
What is the name of the Knight who also works in the OR?
Sir Jen
What is the name of the Knight who is totally radical?
Sir Fer
What is the name of the Knight who is a great trader?
Sir Plus
What is the name of the French Knight?
Sir Render.
What is the name of the Knight who never loses?
Sir Vivyn
What is the name of the Knight who enjoys practical jokes?
Sir Prize!
What is the name of the Knight who is always in the lead?
Sir Pass
What is the name of the Firefly class Knight?
Sir Renitee
What is the name of the really sketchy Knight?
Sir Spishus
(all credit for those above goes to /u/NedryOS)
What's the name of the knight who is always sure of himself?
Sir Ten (creds to /u/loufizzle)
what is the name of the knight who loves snakes?

Jobs of our fathers

The principal of a school was to inspect one of the classes in her school. Before the inspection the head teacher goes to the class and tells the students that to every question from the principal, they need to give an illustrious answer even if it's not true.
The principal arrives. She goes over to little Jimmy and asks him:
"What does your dad do little boy?"
Now Jimmy's father was a poor shoemaker but Jimmy said:
"Oh, he's the owner of this large shoe factory."
She then goes to Timmy and asks him about his father's occupation.
Timmy was also relatively poor, his dad worked as a bricklayer.
"My pops owns a large construction company!" Timmy says smiling.
Finally she asks Ben. Now Ben was so poor, his father didn't have a job, but the local church out of charity let him ring the church's bells.
"Well my dad works as a DJ in the church."

There's an Italian in a language class.

"Today we are learning about similes and metaphors. Can anyone give me an example" says the tutor.
A Spaniard pipes up "My wife dances salsa like a goddess"
Then a french man has his turn "My wife has p**... like a forest"
The Italian guy likes how this language works, so he has a try "I met a woman last week, Her eyes where like stars in the sky. Her hair was like soft velvet. She had a body like a supermodel" the tutor cuts him off there seeing that he could go on for ages "could someone give us an example of a metaphor now?"
"Well I was getting to that" says the Italian. "She was so fine I had to ask her out, And yesterday I met 'er for lunch".
I think it's from an old British comedy show, when TV was racist, but I'm not sure.

The best joke I've ever heard from a teacher

The final paper is due for a large class at Harvard, worth 50% of the grade. The professor has made it very clear that the paper must be turned in by 2 P.M. on the dot. He stands at his office door as 2 PM approaches, collecting papers from the last few stragglers. As the clock strikes 2, he turns to go back into his office, when a student runs up to him, paper in hand.
"Professor, professor!" The student says. "I'm so sorry. Please, I'm only a few seconds late, will you make an exception just this once?"
"Sorry," says the professor. "I was very clear about the deadline for this assignment."
The student gets angry. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!"
"No..." says the professor.
"Good!" the student says, and shoves his work into the stack of papers and runs off.

A good, short oldie to end your Monday

A professor is working in his office during his open hours. It's only a week away from the final exam, so he thinks nothing when one his students comes in. That is, until he sees she's in a short skirt, a low cut top, and closes the door behind her.
She quickly takes a seat and leans over the desk, saying, "Professor, I *really* need to pass this class. If I pass this exam, I'll pass the class, so I really need your help. It's very important to me. I mean, I would do *anything* to pass this exam."
She reaches out and touches the professor's hand lightly. The professor raises an eyebrow and glances at the closed door. He clears his t**... and leans in.
"Anything?" he asks.
"Anything," she nods.
He takes in a deep breath and then asks, "Would you . . . study?"

Little Johnny was having trouble with school...

Little Johnny was having trouble with school and his parents just didn't know what to do. They tried giving him private tutors, remedial classes, and even sent him to a summer boarding school.
Nothing seemed to work and as a final act of desperation, they sent him to their local Catholic School.
After coming home from the first day, Johnny went straight up to his room and began studying. Only coming back down to eat dinner, Johnny stayed in his room and studied till bedtime.
A few weeks later, his parents were overwhelmed to see that Johnny had improved his grades, especially his math grade which had been the worst of the lot.
They praised their son but were also quite interested in what had caused the improvement.
"Was it the nuns? The curriculum?" they asked.
Johnny shook his head and replied, "At first I didn't take them seriously, but when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"

Music theory joke

So I was in my second year theory class and the teacher was working with students individually at the piano on compositions.
It started to get loud so the professor said, "Alright, unless you are telling jokes about secondary dominants, there shouldn't be any laughing."
I immediately raise my hand and after being called on I say; "So this hemiola, this secondary dominant and this anacrusis all walk into a bar".
The professor asks if there is punch line and I respond; "Of course, the anacrusis says to the other two, hey I bet I get picked up before you guys do"!
Killed it.

So, a middle school science class is learning about genetics

and the students are working with recessive and dominant eye colors in punnett squares. A few minutes into the activity one student beckons the teacher over. He has a very concerned look on his face.
The teacher is a little worried. This has happened before. Every once in a while a student realizes that he is adopted or his dad isn't who he thought.
The teacher hesitantly walks over to the concerned student, ready to have a difficult conversation.
"Do you have a question about the assignment?" the teacher asks.
"Well," the student replies, "I think I might be adopted, because I have blue eyes and both my moms have brown eyes!"
[According to a Special Ed teacher at my school, this really happened to her.]

Reading between the lines.

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

Gynecologist that wants to be a mechanic.

My girlfriend's grandfather told me this beauty last night.
Bob no longer wants to be a Gynecologist and decides that a mechanic job would best suit him.
He attends a class on the basic of car repairs. After finishing the course Bob receives a grade of 150/100. Bob, confused, goes and takes to the instructor.
Bob: "Could you please break down the grade I received? I'm a little confused how I got 150%."
Instructor: "Well you get 50% for doing the undercarriage perfect! You get another 50% for doing the engine work perfect!"
Bob: "And what about the other 50%? Where did that come from?"
Instructor: "I gave you the extra points for being able to fix the carburetor through the muffler!"

Two factory workers talking: Woman

Physics Teacher: Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?
Student: Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything.

Two factory workers talking:
Woman: I can make the boss give me the day off.
Man: And how would you do that?
Woman: Just wait and see. She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
Boss comes in: What are you doing?
Woman: I'm a light bulb.
Boss: You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.
The man starts to follow her and the boss says: Where are you going?
The man says: I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.

Poor Tommy

The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.
The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers
One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.

There was much laughter and screaming, apart from, that is little Tommy.
"Tommy, why do you look so sad?" asked the teacher.
Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: "my dads a stripper in a gay bar".
The other children remained silent as Tommy continued:
"Sometimes, he doesn't come home, and my mummy sits crying, sometimes he sells his body for other mens pleasure."
There were gasps around the classroom, the teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go outside and play.
She then walked up to Tommy, put her arm around him, and asked "is that all true Tommy?
"No not at all miss. He really plays rugby for England, but i was too embarrassed to say"

Little Johnny

At school one day, Little Johnny's teacher asks the class to use the word contagious in a sentence…
Cindy raises her hand. Yes, Cindy? She answers, I was at the dentist's office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.
Very good, Cindy! the teacher said, Anyone else want to try? Samantha raises her hand. Yes, Samantha? She answers, My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.
Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative, the teacher praises. Okay, one more volunteer. Little Johnny raises his hand. Yes, Johnny?
Well, he says, I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, 'Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?' and he says, 'I don't know son, but it's gonna take that contagious.'

The pretty teacher was concerned with

one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love." the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a c**...!"

My Mommy, the Dancer

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children in her class what their mothers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, So when the teacher gently prodded him about his mother, He replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a club and takes off all her clothes in front of men, and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this bold statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to quietly ask him, "Is that really true about your mother, dear?"
Nope," the boy said, "She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that In front of the other kids."

Two Elderly Couples Were Having Dinner...

...when one of the men says to the other man of the group, "Hey Stan, tell us about the college course you recently took!" Stan looks up from his dinner and says, "Oh, it was great! It was a memory class to help me to remember things better."
"Did it work?" the other guy asks.
"Sure did! I'm remembering stuff more efficiently now. It was a big improvement."
"What was the name of the school?"

Stan looks off into the distance, furrows his brows and asks, "What is the name of the flower... usually comes in a dozen...has thorns...?"
"Rose?" the other man asks.
Stan looks to his wife, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that school I went to?"

Two kids were sitting in class

The first kid, Mike, was sitting there struggling with his work. The second girl, who was in a wheelchair, Cheryl, was finishing the work extremely quickly.
Mike asked Cheryl to help, and the first time she ignored him.
He asked her again, and she helped him, though she did it grudgingly, and made fun of him for being dumb the whole time. "This is the easiest thing I've done all day", she said laughing.
They both continued to do their own work until the pledge of allegiance came on. All the children except Cheryl stood up.
Halfway through, Mike crouched down to Cheryl and said:
"This is the easiest thing I've done all day".

I have no home button.

..and I work at your place.
You can call me and I know your face.
I cost $1000 although some think me a waste.
What am I ?
That's right. A high class h**....

On the base a Private First Class (PFC) was working in the car repair shop. The phone rang.

He answered. The man on the phone asked, "When will my car be fixed?"
PFC: "Can't talk now I am working on some annoying General's car."
General: "Do you know who this is?"
PFC: "No."
General: "This is the ANNOYING GENERAL!"
PFC: "Well, do you know who this is?"
General: "No."
PFC: "Good, goodbye!"

Driving to work...

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
*
This joke was email to me by a Comedy Defensive Driving class I took to take care of a speeding ticket (three years ago).

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students

so she took him aside after class one day.
Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?
I'm in love, replied Little Johnny.
Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, With whom?
With you! he said.
But, Little Johnny, said the teacher gently, don't you see how silly that is? Sure, I'd like a husband of my own someday, but I don't want a child.
Oh, don't worry, said Little Johnny reassuringly, I'll use a c**...!

Little Johnny

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a Doctor!"
Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!"
All of the class but Little Johnny had answered.
The teacher called on Johnny and he slowly walk to the front.
My Dad is an entertainer he works at night. He is a male stripper some times he doesn't come home after work. This makes my Mother cry because he is sleeping with a man to get enough money to buy us food.
The teacher tells the other kids to go outside for recess. She hugs Little Johnny and ask is that true? No Johnny states he plays baseball for the Baltimore Orioles, but am ashamed to tell the other kids.

Units.

A science teacher is quizzing the class on various units and measurements.
What is the unit of volume?
Milliliters.
What is the unit of mass?
Kilograms.
What is the unit of distance?
Meters.
What is the unit of power?
Yes.
(I know, it works a bit better spoken)