Worker Jokes

What are some Worker jokes?

I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

A banker, a worker and an immigrant

An immigrant, a worker and a banker are sitting at the table with 10 cookies. The banker takes 9 and then tells the worker "watch out, the immigrant is going to steal your cookie".

An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, "Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?", the store worker told her "Yes we do, ma'am."

She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"

I wrote this little ditty just seconds after waking up.

An auto worker storms into his union leader's office. "I have a really pesky booger in my nostril, and management won't get us anymore tissue boxes!!" he shouts.

The union manager calmly responds: "Maybe you should picket."

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.

She says, 'This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for Β£300 as long as you can say it in three words.' The guy replies, 'Hey, why not?' He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays Β£300 on the bar, and says slowly. 'Paint…my….house.'

A farm worker greets Joseph Stalin at his potato farm

Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God, the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

But God does not exist, replies Stalin.

Exactly, says the farmer. Neither do the potatoes.

How do you advertise a boxing match between a Hispanic construction worker, and a Catholic priest.

Alien vs predator

A lawyer, priest, and social worker are on a ship that hits an iceberg...

The captain comes over the intercom: "Everyone please make your way to the lifeboats".
The social worker yells out: "Women & children first!"
The lawyer starts pushing his way towards the boats: "Screw the children!"
The priest responds: "Do we have time?"

What did the cemetery worker say when he realized he buried a body in the wrong place?

I've made a grave mistake.

A blonde walks into a laundromat...

And says to a worker, "can you wash this shirt?"

The worker did not hear her and said "come again?"

The blonde than replies "no it is mustard this time"

Horror at the zoo

A man is at the zoo with his family. Suddenly a flustered employee comes up and says

*Sir, sir! There's been a terrible accident!*

The man responds, *What happened?*

*Your mother-in-law fell into the alligator pool!*

The man, supremely calm, says to the worker, *Not my problem! You try to save those alligators.*

Donald Trump, a white worker , and a Mexican worker are sitting at a table.

A waiter comes over carrying 10 cookies on a plate. Before the waiter even gets a chance to set the plate on the table, Donald Trump reaches over and takes 9 cookies and stuffs them in his pocket. He then leans over to the white worker and says "watch out, that rapist is looking at your cookie."

My buddy is a sex worker and today he came home overjoyed that he made $104.25 that day

I asked, "Wait, who gave you the 25 cents?"

He says, "All of them!"

Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation...

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "Well, you'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

What did they call the man who gave a handjob to an electrician, a plumber, a welder, and a construction worker?

A Jack Off All Trades

The dead construction worker

A bunch of construction workers are wording on a building site, when one of them falls from the top floor and dies on the spot.
The other workers draw straws to find out who has to tell his wife. Jack loses and heads off.

One hour later, he returns with a big smile and a case of beer.
The other workers are surprised: I thought you would tell Bobs wife that he had died?

Jack: I did!
Other guy: so where did you get the beer?
Jack: well, I went to his house, rang the doorbell, and when his wife answered, I asked: are you the widow Jones? To which she said: well, yes and no, i'm called Jones, but i'm not a widow. Them I said: No? I bet you a case of beer you are!

Did you hear the joke about the UPS guy?

So one day a UPS worker, Jim, gets an unusually large box to bring on his daily route. He checks the address, which was not in his assigned area. However, without thinking much of it, he starts driving there. As he pulls up to the curb he sees that the house looks deserted, with boarded up windows and a dead tree in the yard. Despite a little bit of superstitious fear, he manages to get the box to the door.

When he rings the doorbell, he hears a creaking from inside the house. When the door opens, there is no one there.

Timidly he says "H..hello? Is anyone there?"

Just as he finishes saying that a---

No, no, no, I can't say the punchline, I'm not very good at telling jokes.

This one is really all about the delivery.

A business man was interviewing applicants

...for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two? "
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two. "
The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm glad we had time to discuss this important question. "
The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two? "
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be? "
He got the job."

Family surroundings.

A social worker from Boston recently transferred to the mountains of West Virginia . She was on a tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked. "Yep," came a kid's voice through the door. "Is your father there?" asked the social worker. "Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid. "Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker. "Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid. "But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?" "Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door, "this is the outhouse!"

Workers and Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist and the fourth man was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.. But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles with three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, ""What can your cat do?" The government worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff. Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, bit the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

A small business owner in financial trouble was told by his accountant that he needed to cut staff

The accountant said, "Jack and Susan have the highest salaries, so one of them will have to be laid off."

The owner replied, "Susan is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I'll have to think this over, and maybe discuss it with both of them."


The next morning, the owner waited for his employees to arrive. Susan was the first to come in, so he said to her, "Susan, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do."

Susan replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

This construction worker was laying a full room carpet in this house...

... and upon ending his work he realised his backpack was missing. Checking the area he could notice a lump in the carpet, the size of his backpack.

He couldn't belive how unlucky he was and he decided to take a desperate measure. He was not going to destroy the recently placed carpet and inside his backpack there wasn't anything really valuable. So he starts hammering that lump to the ground. After a few minutes the backpack inside the carpet was flat and unnoticeable.

Later that afternoon the housewife gets home and is happy with the placing of the carpet. She goes to the kitchen to write him a check for the job well done and returns to him:

"Here, the check and your backpack that you left in the kitchen. By the way, have you seen my cat"?

What's the difference between a Social Worker and a pitbull?

You'll get some of your child back from the pitbull.

An old joke told in the Soviet Union...

Every other Friday a factory guard saw a worker coming out of the factory pushing a wheelbarrow packed with hay.

The guard searched inside the hay, found nothing and let the guy go. This ritual repeated over several years until a time when the guard was about to retire.

When the guy pushing the wheelbarrow appeared at the gate he told him: I know you are stealing something. I am just about to retire and this is my last day here. I will not tell anybody, but, please, let me know what are you stealing. The guy smiled and answered, Oh, I am stealing the wheelbarrows.

A man walks into a graveyard..

A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it's over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. What's going on? he asks a cemetery worker.

It's Beethoven, says the worker. He's decomposing.

Blond man joke

An Irish, Mexican, and blond iron worker were sitting on the top of a skyscraper under construction for their lunch break.

The Irishman opens his lunch box, "Corned beef and cabbage again. If I get this one more time I am going to jump off this roof!"

The Mexican opens his lunch box, "Tacos again. If I get this one more time I am going to jump off this roof!"

The blond opens his lunch box, "A ham and cheese sandwich again. If I get this one more time I am going to jump off this roof!"

The next day the Irishman gets corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican gets tacos and jumps to his death. The blond gets a ham and cheese sandwich and jumps to his death.

At their wake, their wives sit together to mourn the men.

The Irishman's wife laments, "If he would have told me he hated his food I could have made something else."

The Mexican's wife agrees, "I could have made my husband quesadillas or enchiladas."

The women look over at the blond's wife, who responds, "Don't look at me, he made his own lunch."

A construction worker and his dog

A construction worker brings his dog to work every day, and at noon tucks a 5 dollar bill under the dog's collar. The dog trots off to the local bar, where the bartender takes the fiver and gives the dog a sandwich in a paper bag which the dog brings back to the work site for his owner.

One day, the man only has a 20, but figures that the bartender will be honest. An hour goes by, and he stomps angrily over to the bar where he confronts his dog who is sitting on a stool drinking a beer and eating a sandwich.

"I never had change before" says the dog.

A blonde was recently hired at our office.

A blonde was recently hired at our office.
Her first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, Hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief.
"Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.

A Guinness brewery worker travels to the home of his co-worker with bad news.

I'm sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery today'.

'Oh my god!' replied Mary, 'What happened?!'

'He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout' said the worker, sadly.

'That's terrible! Was it a quick death at least?' asked Mary.

'I'm afraid not,' the worker replied, 'He got out twice to take a piss'.

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging...

...that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

Whom to fire?

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire.

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.

Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?

Barbara replied, You'd better jack off. I've got a headache.

A guy walks into a...

A guy walks into a local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said,"Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll drive his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said: "Yeah, well ... You started it".

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker,

I don't know how I never noticed that all the signs were there..

Two Irishmen are doing roadwork outside a brothel.

They see a rabbi approach. The rabbi looks around carefully and then slips inside.



"Ah, would'ya look at that!" says one man to the other. "A man o' the cloth even! Damned shame..."



Shortly after this, a Protestant minister walks up to the brothel before surreptitiously going in.



"Outrageous!" the road worker says. "No wonder our kids today are so confused!"



Finally, a Catholic priest approaches, looks over his shoulder, then darts in.



"Ah, will ya look at that!" says the road worker. "One o' the poor lasses must be sick."

A nun hears overhears a bunch of construction workers swearing and decides to head over there for lunch one day...

The nun sits down at the lunch table with her little sack lunch and turns to a group of workers and says:

"Have any of you ever heard of Jesus Christ?"

One worker stands up and yells to everyone on the site: "Hey! Has anyone here ever heard of Jesus Christ?"

Another worker shouts back: "Why?"

The first worker says: "Because his mom's here with his lunch!"

Stalin walks into a field

Farm worker: Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God!

Stalin: But God does not exist.

Farm worker: And neither do the potatoes.

What does Activision and a Dairy worker have in common?

They both love milking.

Smiting

A construction worker was hammering in a nail, and hit his hand as a priest walks by. "Goddammit, I missed," he says. The priest tells him to not take the Lords name in vain.
The next day he walks by the same construction worker again, and this time the construction worker hits his other hand. "Goddammit, I missed," he says once again. The priest tells him he has one more strike before God punishes him.
The third day, the construction worker hits his beer, resting next to him. As the bottle breaks, he says "Goddammit I missed." The priest is walking by as a lightning bolt hits the priest, disintegrating him. A voice booms from the heavens, "GODDAMMIT I MISSED."

A boy writes a letter to Father Christmas...

It is getting close to Christmas time, and a young boy is writing his letter to Santa Claus. Coming from a poor, broken home the boy has only one wish. He writes to Santa and asks for just Β£50 so he can help his family.

At the Post Office, the staff are touched by the thoughtfulness and selflessness of the young boy. One kind worker decides they should make his dreams come true and organises a collection fund for him. At the end of the day, the workers manage to scrape together Β£45 and they send it back to the young boy with love from Father Christmas.

A week later, the Post Office receives another letter from the young boy. "Dear Santa, Thank you so so much for the Β£50, but I thought you should know, those robbing bastards at the Post Office stole Β£5."

Two priests and a whale walk into subway

The first priest orders a turkey on italian, and also asks for some red wine. The worker says, "well we don't serve wine here, but since you're a priest I'll go run and get some for you." So he runs to the liquor store across the street to go buy some wine.

The second priest orders a meatball sub, and he also asks for some red wine. The worker says, "well we don't serve wine, but since I got the other priest some, I'll go run and get you some." So he runs across the street again to the liquor store.

Then the whale walks up to the counter and says, "Waoooaoooooaaooo."

Three men are at church. One of them is a union worker.

Three men are in Church one Sunday morning, one of them belongs to the local union. Before the service they complain amongst themselves of their various ailments and injuries.

Jesus hears them, and he appears before these gentlemen. "Tell me your troubles my children."

"Lord. I can not stand up straight or go a day without pain, thanks to a back injury i suffered years ago." The first man says.

"Be healed, Child." Jesus says. The man immediately stands stall and does jumping jacks, feeling true relief.

"Lord, I can barely see. I was blinded by a flash-bang in Iraq, I need these thick glasses just to function." The second man says. Jesus takes his glasses away and they crumble into fine powder. the man can see with perfect 20-20 vision.

The union worker, seeing this, shouts "Don't touch me! I'm on permanent disability!"

Why did the worker on the egg farm get fired from his job?

Because he had a crack addiction.

Leather Worker

There is a doctor who has collected foreskins the entire 20 yrs he has been a Dr, after he retires he takes them to a leather worker to see what he can do with them, the guy tells the Dr to come back in a few days, so the Dr. leaves and returns after 3 days, he goes to the leather worker and says "What did you make me?" the guy pulls out a wallet, the Dr. says "A wallet is all you made? I brought you in 50,000 foreskins and all you made was a wallet?" the leather worker says "It's a wallet now, but if you rub it a few times, it turns into a suitcase."

A guy walks into a welfare office...

to pick up his check. He marched
straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

This man was a really hard worker...

He worked day in, day out, and put all of his energy into his job. One day his friend was visiting. His friend said "So, it's your birthday coming up, and I was wondering what you wanted." The man replied "Man, all I want is a break, but I don't want to have to wait until my birthday for it." After a little more conversing, his friend left. A while later, he came back to the man and said "Sorry it took so long, I had to take my bike apart!"


This joke was made up by my 10 year old brother, and he wanted me to share it with you guys, so here it is!

EAR ACCIDENT

A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw.
He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, "Hey, do you see my ear down there?"
The guy on the street picks up an ear and yells back, "Is this it?"
"No," replies the construction worker. "Mine had a pencil behind it."

So four guys are driving in a car..

And suddenly the car stops. The first guy is a chemists and suggests it could be a chemical problem and that they may be out of gas, the second guy is an electrician and says he believes it could be something with the spark plugs and that they should check that, the third guy is a mechanic and says he thinks it could be the engine and that it needed to be looked at, the last guy is an IT worker and suggests that they all get out of the car, then back in, and shut the doors then try again.

Guy keeps calling off work on Mondays....

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm f-----g her."

The boss says, "You f--k your sister?"

The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

Two construction workers are working on a street

The first worker turns to the second and says,
I don't want to work anymore, I will act crazy so the manager sends me home early .

He then proceeds to tie himself by the feet and swings around shouting,

Im a lightbulb, I'm a lightbulb!

Sure enough, the manager tells him to go home.

The second worker, seeing the success his friend had, decided to start packing up his things.

The manager asks, What are you doing? The work isn't finished yet!

To which the second worker responds,

How am I supposed to see without a lightbulb?

For my cake day, my favorite joke of all time: 87

There was a well-to-do businessman walking down a city sidewalk to get to his office, when he came across a construction site; he saw piles of tools and stacks of wood and concrete slabs, but no workers. The only person he saw was a lone worker, jumping up and down on top of a manhole. As the businessman walked closer, he could hear the worker shouting "87! 87! 87!" at the top of his lungs.

The businessman was intrigued. He went up to the worker and asked "why are you doing that?" The worker replied "oh man, it's so much fun, you gotta try it!" The businessman was skeptical, but he decided to humor the strange worker.

He stepped onto the manhole, and did a small hop, and mumbled "87." He jumped a little higher, saying "87. Hey, this is kinda fun!" He started jumping as high as he could, shouting "87! 87! 87! at the top of his lungs, when, at the top of his highest jump, the worker pulled the manhole cover out from under him, and he plummeted all the way down to the sewer.

The construction worker looked down the sewer, looked around, put the manhole cover back on, stood on top of it again, and began to jump.

"88! 88! 88!"

Emergency Services

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with
her dismissal.

It seems a male caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating: "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."

Apparently, "Keep calm and stay on the line," was not considered to be an appropriate response.....

Two sex workers enter Trump's Russian hotel room.

Sex worker: "On a scale of one to 10, how would you rate us?"

Trump: "Urinate"ο»Ώ

A security guard starts working at the docks...

...and at the end of the day he sees a worker leaving, pushing a wheelbarrow full of straw.

The security guard is suspicious that the man is stealing from the ships, but after searching through the straw, he can't find anything more than old straw for the man's garden. The next day the same thing happens and again he can't find any stolen goods in the wheelbarrow, just straw.

Over the next 4 years this happens every single day, and the security guard never stops suspecting the man of stealing, until one day the man leaves with no wheelbarrow.

The security guard asks him why he has no wheelbarrow today and the man says it's because this is his last day, he's retiring. The security guard can't contain his curiosity and begs the man to tell him what he's been stealing all these years.

The man replies: Wheelbarrows.

A dinosaur goes to a supermarket

A dinosaur goes to the supermarket to do some grocery shopping. He gets to the register and the worker scans all his items. When all the scanning is done, and the dinosaur has to pay, the worker asks:

'So how are you paying today?'

The dinosaur replies:

'With tyrannosaurus checks.'

A blonde woman is looking for work....

So she decides to ask around her neighborhood if anybody needs any work done.

She stops at one mans house and asks

"Excuse me sir, I was wondering if you had any work that you need done around your house"

The man says

"Sure, I need my porch painted"

"Oh great!" The woman says, and she goes to get the supplies while the man goes back inside.

2 hours later, the woman knocks on the door again.

"That was fast" the man says

"Im a quick worker" the woman says, "By the way, thats a Ferarri, not a Porch"

Remain Calm :)

An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."

To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line

Every time I walk into a store with my dad

Worker: "Can I help you?"

Dad: "No, he was born like that."

The workers at the inn aren't very friendly...

they create a hostel environment.

An old joke from East Germany

A German worker gets a job in Siberia. Aware of how all mail will be read by censors, he tells his friends: "Let's establish a code: if a letter you will get from me is written in ordinary blue ink, it is true; if it is written in red ink, it is false."

After a month, his friends get the first letter, written in blue ink: "Everything is wonderful here: stores are full, food is abundant, apartments are large and properly heated, movie theaters show films from the West, there are many beautiful girls ready for an affairβ€”the only thing unavailable is *red ink*."

Lumberjack and the Moose

So this lumberjack moves into a logging camp in the middle of nowhere. It's a nice little camp. There are cabins for all the workers and a tavern where they can get food and drink in the evenings.

The new guy sits down next to one of the regulars and starts having a conversation with him. The conversation turns toward the topic of sex when the new guy asks what the workers do to satisfy their needs in the camp. The seasoned worker tells him there is a field where moose gather and graze every Thursday night. When the men have an urge they just go do a moose. The newcomer cannot believe this, but after six months he can't take it anymore.

One Thursday night he goes out to the field, picks a moose, and just starts giving it to the moose. After a minute or two he feels like someone is watching him. He turns around to see the man he had the conversation with on his first night at camp staring at him with his jaw hanging wide open. The new guy says, "What? Don't tell me that you were joking when you told me you do this?!"

The veteran shakes his head and just says, "No. That's just the ugliest moose I've ever seen!"

The Soviet Union started to crack down on drinking while on the job...

The Soviet Union started to crack down on drinking while on the job. The Soviet official assigned to handle the problem entered one of the industrial plants where the problem was said to occur and asked a worker,

"Could you do your job if you drank a cup of vodka?"

"It would be a little difficult, but I suppose I could."

"Could you do your job if you drank two cups of vodka"

"I guess I could."

"Could you do your job if you had three cups of vodka?"

"Well, I'm here, aren't I!?"

What's the difference between Dracula and a government worker?

Dracula does more work during the day

The second career

Tom was in his early 50's, retired and started a second career.

However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk.

"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job,
but you're being late so often is quite bothersome.'

"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd
though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Army.
What did they say if you came in late there?"

They said, "Good morning, General."

New Secretary At Work

A blonde secretary was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee? the blonde asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.
Oh good! the blonde sighed in relief. I'll have two regular, two black, and two decaf.

A man is told to lay off a member of his staff

At a small company, a manager is told that, due to downsizing, he has to lay off someone from his staff. After much agonizing, he narrows his list down to two people. Not sure who to get rid of, he talks to his boss for advice.

"On one hand, Mary is a really great worker," he says. "But on the other hand, Jack is a single father and really needs this job to support his kids."

His boss replies, "I don't know what to tell you, why don't you just go ask them?"

So, when Mary comes into work, the manager goes to talk to her and says, "Listen, Mary, I've got a bit of a dilemma. I've got to lay you or Jack off."

And she responds, "You better jack off, I've got a headache."

What do you call an employee with an erection?

A hard worker.

Three men walk into a car part store...

I need taillights for a Mustang the first one says. What year? the employee asks. 2015 he answers. There you go , the worker hands in the parts. The second guy goes to the counter, saying I need a steering wheel for a Mustang . What year?
1997 he answers. There you go . After he payed, the third guy comes to the counter. I need rear suspensions for a Mustang . There you go .

Strong Man Contest

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone when it comes to pure strength.

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workers at the job site. After several minutes of ranting, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is and challenge me to a strength competition," he said. "I will bet an entire week's pay that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man. Let's see what you got," the young boaster replied.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,

"All right, hop in."

Untitled

A worker goes up to his boss and asks:

Worker: Hey, sir, I'm having a kid, can I have the day off?

Boss:Sure go ahead

The next day, the worker comes in and the boss asks:

Boss: Hey! Is it a boy or a girl?

To which the worker replies:
"I don't know, but I will tell you in nine months."

A social worker from a big city.....

.....recently transferred to the sticks in south Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

'Anybody home?' she asked.

'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.

'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.

'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the outhouse!'

I went to a pet shop to buy a goldfish today...

The worker asked if I'd like an aquarium, but I told him "I don't care what starsign it is."

A construction worker comes home from work.

He tells his wife, "Honey, I cut off my finger today."
She replies, "The whole finger!?"
He says, "No, the one right next to it."

I was walking past Toys R Us today, when I noticed a really long line outside...

I asked a worker, "What's everyone here for?"

He said, "That's the Barbie queue."

Then, like an fool, I stood in it for forty five minutes waiting for a burger...

What Does a Gynecologist and a Pizza worker have in common?

They both get to smell it, but neither gets to eat it.

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of manager of a large division...

He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, "Twenty-two".

The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it."

The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer "somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001."

Next came an attorney. He stated that "in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four."

Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant. When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down. Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

Investigation finds rise in complaints regarding worker incompetence at Quiznos locations

> "Whoops, wrong sub"

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