worker Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious worker puns

A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.


I thought, fuck me, I might win this

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At a Nazi mine, a worker calls out to Hitler:

"Sir, we are mining too many useless Ores"

[Hitler rubs his chin, contemplating]

"So mine less"

[Grammar Nazi chimes in, from above]

"MINE FEWER"

[Hitler looks up]

"Yes?"

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I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

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A banker, a worker and an immigrant

An immigrant, a worker and a banker are sitting at the table with 10 cookies. The banker takes 9 and then tells the worker "watch out, the immigrant is going to steal your cookie".

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What's the difference between the modern worker and a guy who shovels horse poo for a living?

They both deal with a lot of crap, but at least one of them has a stable job!

it's not much, but it's my joke. i must defend what little i have.

who am i kidding I'm hilarious

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I never wanted to believe my husband was stealing from his job as a road worker...

...but when I got home all the signs were there.

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My dad

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

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I wrote this little ditty just seconds after waking up.

An auto worker storms into his union leader's office. "I have a really pesky booger in my nostril, and management won't get us anymore tissue boxes!!" he shouts.

The union manager calmly responds: "Maybe you should picket."

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A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.

She says, 'This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for Β£300 as long as you can say it in three words.' The guy replies, 'Hey, why not?' He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays Β£300 on the bar, and says slowly. 'Paint…my….house.'

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A farm worker greets Joseph Stalin at his potato farm

Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God, the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

But God does not exist, replies Stalin.

Exactly, says the farmer. Neither do the potatoes.

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How do you advertise a boxing match between a Hispanic construction worker, and a Catholic priest.

Alien vs predator

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A lawyer, priest, and social worker are on a ship that hits an iceberg...

The captain comes over the intercom: "Everyone please make your way to the lifeboats".
The social worker yells out: "Women & children first!"
The lawyer starts pushing his way towards the boats: "Screw the children!"
The priest responds: "Do we have time?"

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A man's Co worker is criticizing him for smoking

"how often do you smoke?"

"A pack a day"

"How long have you been smoking for?"

"About 22 years now"

"Really? Well I'll tell you why it's dumb, if you had saved that 15 dollars a day for 22 years, you would have had more than 100,000 dollars by now! That's enough for a Ferrari!

"Ok, well do you smoke?"

"Of course not"

"Well then where's your fucking Ferrari?"

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What did the cemetery worker say when he realized he buried a body in the wrong place?

I've made a grave mistake.

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A blonde walks into a laundromat...

And says to a worker, "can you wash this shirt?"

The worker did not hear her and said "come again?"

The blonde than replies "no it is mustard this time"

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I walked into a bookstore

Me: "Do you have any books on turtles?"

Worker: "Hardback?"

Me: "Yeah, with little heads."

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Horror at the zoo

A man is at the zoo with his family. Suddenly a flustered employee comes up and says

*Sir, sir! There's been a terrible accident!*

The man responds, *What happened?*

*Your mother-in-law fell into the alligator pool!*

The man, supremely calm, says to the worker, *Not my problem! You try to save those alligators.*

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Donald Trump, a white worker , and a Mexican worker are sitting at a table.

A waiter comes over carrying 10 cookies on a plate. Before the waiter even gets a chance to set the plate on the table, Donald Trump reaches over and takes 9 cookies and stuffs them in his pocket. He then leans over to the white worker and says "watch out, that rapist is looking at your cookie."

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Two guys.

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you I'm coming!"

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My buddy is a sex worker and today he came home overjoyed that he made $104.25 that day

I asked, "Wait, who gave you the 25 cents?"

He says, "All of them!"

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Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation...

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "Well, you'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

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It's my birthday today

It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today."

"Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker. "33," says the man. "Well, have a good day," says the worker. "Thank you," replied the man.

To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady.

"I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it." "Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady.

After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it."

After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims!

"How the fuck did you know that?!," exclaims the man, impressed.

"I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.

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A young construction worker was bragging...

A young construction worker was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He kept making digs at one of the older workmen. Eventually, the older man had enough.

Put your money where your mouth is, he said, I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back.

You're on, old man! the braggart replied.

The older man grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, All right, get in you prick.

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Patenting an apple.

A man walks into a patent office and sits down with an office worker and says he wants to patent an apple. The worker says "Sir, you can't patent an apple". The man says "Take a bite". The office worker takes a bite and surprised yells out "Wow! this tastes like bananas!" The man says "Yeah I know, turn it over". The worker turns over the apple and and takes another bite and surprised again says "Wow! this tastes like oranges!" The man smiles and says "Yes, that is why I want to patent this". The worker leans in and jokingly whispers "Hey if you were to make one that tastes like pussy, you'd be a billionaire". The man smiles and reaches into his pocket and pulls out another apple and says "Take a bite." The worker can hardly believe it and grabs the apple and takes a bite.....hardly a second has past and he spits out the apple and yells "Yuck! that tastes like ass!!", and the man says "Yeah I know, turn it over".

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What did they call the man who gave a handjob to an electrician, a plumber, a welder, and a construction worker?

A Jack Off All Trades

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The dead construction worker

A bunch of construction workers are wording on a building site, when one of them falls from the top floor and dies on the spot.
The other workers draw straws to find out who has to tell his wife. Jack loses and heads off.

One hour later, he returns with a big smile and a case of beer.
The other workers are surprised: I thought you would tell Bobs wife that he had died?

Jack: I did!
Other guy: so where did you get the beer?
Jack: well, I went to his house, rang the doorbell, and when his wife answered, I asked: are you the widow Jones? To which she said: well, yes and no, i'm called Jones, but i'm not a widow. Them I said: No? I bet you a case of beer you are!

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Testing Products on Animals

Worker: We shouldn't test our products on animals

Boss: Don't worry, shampoo companies do it all the time.

Worker: ...but we make dildos

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Why was the pepsi worker fired?

He tested positive for coke!

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A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw...

He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but the worker on the ground floor can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries to use sign language instead. He points to his eye meaning "I", then he points to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a saw motion. The worker on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock and starts masturbating. The worker on the 5th floor is furious so he runs down to the ground floor and says "what the fuck is wrong with you, I said I needed a handsaw!" The other worker says "I knew that, I was trying to tell you I'm coming."

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A business man was interviewing applicants

...for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two? "
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two. "
The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm glad we had time to discuss this important question. "
The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two? "
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be? "
He got the job."

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Did you hear the joke about the UPS guy?

So one day a UPS worker, Jim, gets an unusually large box to bring on his daily route. He checks the address, which was not in his assigned area. However, without thinking much of it, he starts driving there. As he pulls up to the curb he sees that the house looks deserted, with boarded up windows and a dead tree in the yard. Despite a little bit of superstitious fear, he manages to get the box to the door.

When he rings the doorbell, he hears a creaking from inside the house. When the door opens, there is no one there.

Timidly he says "H..hello? Is anyone there?"

Just as he finishes saying that a---

No, no, no, I can't say the punchline, I'm not very good at telling jokes.

This one is really all about the delivery.

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Workers and Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist and the fourth man was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.. But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles with three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, ""What can your cat do?" The government worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff. Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, bit the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

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Family surroundings.

A social worker from Boston recently transferred to the mountains of West Virginia . She was on a tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked. "Yep," came a kid's voice through the door. "Is your father there?" asked the social worker. "Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid. "Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker. "Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid. "But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?" "Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door, "this is the outhouse!"

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A small business owner in financial trouble was told by his accountant that he needed to cut staff

The accountant said, "Jack and Susan have the highest salaries, so one of them will have to be laid off."

The owner replied, "Susan is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I'll have to think this over, and maybe discuss it with both of them."


The next morning, the owner waited for his employees to arrive. Susan was the first to come in, so he said to her, "Susan, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do."

Susan replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

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A masked guy comes into a bank with a gun.

He presses it against the teller's forehead and demands money.
The lady behind the counter says "sir, i think you messed up, this isn't just any bank, we don't deal in money. We keep semen. This is a sperm bank."

"Oh yeah??!" says the robber...
"Why don't you take a vial and chug it then?"

The bank worker has no choice and promptly grabs a vial of sperm and drinks it bottoms-up.
The robber proceeds to take of his mask and turns out to be the bank worker's boyfriend. He says with a broad smile:

"SEE YOU CAN!! YOU JUST NEVER WANT TO!!"

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What are the most funny Worker jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Worker? Well, here are the best Worker dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Worker pick up lines to share with friends.

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