Worke Jokes

It worked

I'm building a time machine

Why did the worker at the M&M factory get fired?

...he threw out the W's

I haven't worked out since...

I haven't worked out since that one time I tried to reach for a bag of chips at the foot of the bed and did a sit-up by mistake.
That wasn't the joke. The joke is my life.

If I worked in a restaurant....

on valentines day I'd put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.

If you worked for a tarp company

your unveiling would be a cover up.

When I worked as Tech Support for an ISP I had a woman call outraged that we allowed "filth" on her computer...

After she calmed down slightly she explained that her 10 year old Granddaughter was sleeping over and they were having a "Spa Night" and did a web search on "Facials". . . .I was able to hit the mute button in time to avoid making matters far worse... True Story!

How many workers does it take to run a burrito factory?

Just Juan

When I worked at the shoe store...

I was the sole employee.

The workers at the inn aren't very friendly...

they create a hostel environment.

All the workers at the nuclear reactor plant left work. They left a sign at the door. What did it say?

Sorry! Gone fission.

OP worked at a pizza restaurant

OP delivered
^^^^^^pizza

since I worked on my problem with exaggerated arrogance, I'm a much better person.

better than you all together!

Have you worked at McDonalds? I have. I got fired not long ago.

My boss was a clown.

Why did the worker on the egg farm get fired from his job?

Because he had a crack addiction.

I worked a 10-hour day today...

Sounds impressive to non-programmers who don't know binary.

How many I.T. workers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

none, just upgrade to windows

I worked at a restaurant

It didn't pay much, but at least it put food on the table.

Why did workers in the industrial revolution have better sense of smell?

It's because of all that time they spent in the ol-factory.

I've worked with starving children in Africa, and let me tell you...

They are the slowest workers I've ever seen.

When I worked construction back in the day, they used to call me "Lightning."

Never struck twice in the same place. (True story...)

The workers at Staples must have loved college

They write "college ruled" on all the notebooks.

I once worked in a helium factory

It wasn't a very nice job, because of the leaks, but the owner was very sympathetic and we all spoke highly of her.

Now that I have worked on my extreme arrogance, I'm a better person.

Better than all of you together!

I didn't get too worked up over Trumps decision on the climate accord...

the whole thing was rather anti-climatic.

I worked on a farm for 5 years so I used Farmersonly.com

You didn't even need a pick up line, just a pick up truck

I think it worked...

I looked at the sun yesterday early morning and the sun started to finally turn black.

I worked at Apple. Today...

iQuit.

What did the worker in the movie theatre say to the cow after it bought a ticket?

Enjoy your moo-vie.

A worker in a bakery asked his boss for a raise.

When asked to provide a reason why, he replied, "I knead the dough."

I have worked in a restaurant and within the tech industry...

The biggest difference is the meaning of the phrase "My server just went down on me."

I worked in a can recycling factory for 10 years

It was sodapressing

He worked for years to invent an engine that ran on ambient disappointment.

But at the unveiling, it wouldn't work.
Then it did.
Briefly.

I once worked in a paper factory.

My responsibilities were twofold.

I worked with a guy on a building site...

I once worked with a guy on a building site who never wore steel toe caps. When I asked him why, he said he didn't them. Turns out he was lactose intolerant.

I've worked in a masochistic shop for years.

It's painfully boring.

I worked in one of those creepy ice cream vans over Memorial Day weekend, and I must say, they really do work. I raked in the Benjamins.

Also got a couple Jacobs and Timothys as well.

I worked out how long the Battle Royale trend is going to last

A fortnight.

I've worked both restaurant and retail jobs, and honestly I think I prefer retail jobs.

Only in retail can you drop something on the floor in front of the customer, and continue to try and sell it to them.

I worked as an Emergency Dispatcher, and Im happy to announce

911 was an inside job!

Worker: Why don't we stop testing our peoducts on animals?

Boss: What? Other companies test their shampoons on aninals.
Worker: Yeah, but we make hammers!

I worked up the courage to call out my overweight cat today.

I asked him "If you're such a fat cat, where is all your money?"

Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?

Lack of concentration.

Me and a co worker were cremating a fat person.

My coworker said I wonder how many calories we are burning .

A worker was suspected of stealing

Every day the security guys would check his wheelbarrow when he was leaving the factory site. They never found anything. It took them weeks to realize that he was stealing wheelbarrows.

Workers at the Mint are going on strike.

They're sick and tired of making so much money!

How does the worker of the curved edges factory feel about his job?

Pointless.

when I worked at Wendy's, the company insisted that whoever made the burgers must draw the mustard onto the bun as a "W"

but I would draw the mustard onto burgers as an "M" and no one ever found out.

Co worker told me this one

Sean Connery, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are discussing making a movie about great composers.
Sean Connery says Only if I get to be Mozart
Stallone says Then I'll be Beethoven
Arnold says I'll be Bach

I've worked with that dude for six weeks, but saw him with his mask off and thought he was a stranger!

It was a simple case of mask-staken identity.

All of our workers have airbags in their monitor

So it will protect them when their computers c**....

I worked in a helium factory

I resigned after a week, I wasn't going to be spoken to like that

It worked!

Brb, testing out my new time machine.

A co worker accuses a wife of treating her husband "like a dog"

The wife was a not a native English speaker. So she responded "That is not true! I love dogs!"

Workers are building a brutally tall chimney...

When they are almost finished, a foreman runs to them short of breath and shouts:
We are in deep s**... guys, someone turned over my construction plans...
We were supposed to dig a well!!!

A worker was stopped by a cop at the gates of a winery

Cop: "Sorry the winery is closed today due to an ongoing investigation. Please go home."
Worker: "What happened?"
Cop: "One of your colleagues fell into a wine tank and ended up drowning."
Worker: "Oh my God. That is terrible."
Cop: "It appears he died doing what he loved doing."
Worker: "How can you say that! Everyone hates working here!"
Cop: "Well, the CCTV footage showed him getting out of the tank five times to take a p**...."

If a co worker is sick, is it considered a staff infection?

I really just came up with this joke all by myself, this is a big moment for me.

They think there's a workers shortage now?

Wait until the kids we can't afford to have don't grow up.

Saw some workers on my street replacing a storm drain cover and decided to offer them some words of encouragement:

You guys are doing a grate job.

When I was a teenager…

…I worked as a bag boy in a southern supermarket (Publix). As one of the busiest stores, we were chosen to test making fresh squeezed juice in the store at customers' request. As a social person, this sounded like a pretty cool job so I asked my manager if I could get some shifts on the juice machine. Unfortunately, it wasn't possible because baggers can't be juicers

I worked at a restaurant that specializes in pizza, but I got fired for getting my finger caught in the dough roller...

...she got fired too.

Co Workers are like Christmas lights...

They hang together, half of them don't work and the other half aren't so bright.

A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours….

He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him That's it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin. They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.
Two hours later the worker returns. One of his friends asks him Well, did you do it? The worker says, No, the line there was much longer than the line here.

Ever since I worked on my extreme arrogance, I've become a better person.

Better than all of you together!

When a worker at a mortuary dies, they still have to go to work

They worked hard to uncover the masked Refrigerator thief

But the case went cold