Work Safe Jokes
41 work safe jokes and hilarious work safe puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about work safe that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Work Safe Short Jokes
Short work safe jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The work safe humour may include short safe practical jokes also.
- A made up a joke about covid-19 that will work only in the future... ... It'll be fun when nobody gets it.
(Stay safe y'all) - People keep telling me that concussions are really bad for my health. I can safely say that after three years of playing high school football, my Brian is working just fine!
- Women are like rollercoasters. I tend to observe them from a safe distance, and due to my height they don't work well with me anyway.
- Why do todays university graduates only want to work at banks? It's the only job with a guaranteed safe space.
- How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag? Take the "S" out of "Safe" and the "F" out of "Way"
(Works best if you say this joke out loud) - I too found a safe at work and tried opening it... Bank security guard fired at me and police arrested me. It was not safe for me.
- I forgot my coffee this morning so I'm gonna drive on the rumble strips along the side of the road all the way to work just to be safe.
- What did one burglar say to the other while handing him a small drill machine? Not For Safe Work
- How do you know your s**... partner works in IT? They insist your safe word has an upper case letter, a lower case letter, and at least one number.
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Work Safe One Liners
Which work safe one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with work safe? I can suggest the ones about safety first and stay safe.
- My username is not safe for work. u/safeforwork was already taken.
- How do you get the attention of a pervert? A Not Safe For Work Tag.
- Joke 5366 Sub-version 8.41 ...........conclusion 1.4b (the not safe for work ending)
- Your way sounds super safe and rational. Let's do it my way.
- What's the most not safe for work indian name? Hardik.
- Not safe for work Space heaters
Comical Work Safe Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about work safe you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean work related jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make work safe pranks.
How to make girls feel safe in the hallways
I often find myself walking behind various girls while I'm going about my day and I'm always concerned I'm making them feel unsafe. So I like to remind myself not to walk like a r**....
I find this works much better if I don't say it out loud.
I found out that the girl I'm dating is a gold digger
Idk how to tell her but I don't like gold diggers. It's not safe for her mentally as well as physically and the mine she works at doesn't give them health insurance or anything. What should I do?
After The Flood...
After the flood, satisfied his work was done, Noah was inspecting the Ark one last time when he came across a pair of snakes.
"Why are you still here?" he asked in surprise. "It's safe now. Go forth! And multiply!"
The snakes stared at him in confusion.
"But....we're adders."
Computer Programmer and Mechanic Driving
A computer programmer and a mechanic were driving down a steep mountain slope. The brakes stop working. The car careens out of control and scrapes the guard rails. They make it safely to the bottom of the mountain and pull over. After recovering, the mechanic says, "The brakes must have gone out." The programmer says, "Lets turn the car off, back on, drive it up the mountain and see if it is repeatable."
A note to the guy behind me driving to work this morning.
Dear guy behind me driving to work this morning,
Don't get mad at me for driving the speed limit. It's there to keep people safe!
And don't get mad at me for not getting out of your way. You don't own the road!
And don't ever flash your lights and honk your horn at others to make them move...geez. Such a rude ambulance driver!
A Protestant and a Catholic are sitting in a pub
A Protestant and a Catholic are sitting in a pub talking about birth control.
The Protestant says to the Catholic, "My religion allows me to use a c**... when I make love to my wife but yours does not. Yet I've got 14 children and you have only 2. How can this be?"
The Catholic replies, "It's quite simple, I have s**... during the safe times of the day."
"And when is that ?" asks the Protestant.
"When you're at work." replies the Catholic.
Prayer
The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were unable to make service because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."
One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."
A man throws up a cow pat and goes to the doctor
Doctor: "I can't seem to figure out the issue so I'll give you some shots just be on the safe side"
Man: "No! Those things make you sick and allow the government to insert tracking chips!"
Doctor: "Who told you this?"
Man: "My wife"
Doctor: "Tell me, does your wife make all your meals?"
Man: "Yeah, she does"
Doctor: "I've worked out your problem. Someones been feeding you b**..."
Two brothers are talking about life,
Bro 1: Why do you think I ended up with 9 kids and you have none.
Bro 2: That's because I use the safe period.
Bro 1: What's the safe period?
Bro 2: When you're at work.
A man and his wife plan a trip to the South.
Sadly, because of work, the wife has to leave one day after the husband. This was before cell phones, so he had to borrow a computer to send her an email. However, he makes a small spelling mistake in the email address and the email is sent to someone else. That someone was the wife of a priest who had died the day before. The email reads: Hi dear, just thought I'd send you a small note to tell you I've arrived safely. It's pretty hot down here. I just thought you ought to know, since you'll be arriving tomorrow.
Helicopter c**...
A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly loses engine power and the aircraft begins to descend
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.
Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.
The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!!!"
"Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!!"
Brake Fluid
A mechanic was working under a car when some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. At first he spit it out, but he found that the aftertaste was not tha bad. He continued working under the car when some more brake fluid found its way into his mouth. This time he swallowed. He really liked the taste of brake fluid! Soon enough, his coworkers found him drinking brake fluid from a cup in the shop. "I don't think that's safe" a concerned coworker pleaded. "You should not be drinking anymore brake fluid, dude" another said. "Don't worry" the mechanic assured them, "I can stop anytime!".
A physicist, mathematician and a priest are trapped in a burning Skyscraper...
On the ground is a huge swimmingpool. Their only chance to survive is to jump into it. The Priest looks at it, prays for 20 min. says "God will help me" jumps, misses and dies.
The physician looks down, approximates some values, writes down some constants and makes a small experiment, calculates 5 min. says "I hope I remembered the constants well enough", jumps and lands safely in the pool.
The mathematician takes out his notebook and in an attempt to come up with a general solution and its proof, spends 2h writing furiously. "This has to work", he says, jumps and flies upwards in a steep curve. He made a sign error.
(Joke from our Physics professor, the room was dying laughing. I hope I didnt screw up too badly translating this from german, have mercy)
The thief was cracking the safe...
in a warehouse. Suddenly, a parrot in the rafters squawked "Hey! What'cha doin' down there?"
The thief waited a bit, but nothing else happened, so he went back to work on the safe. Occasionally, the parrot would repeat his question.
After 15 minutes or so, he feels hot air on his ear. He looks over to see a huge Rottweiler sitting next to him, panting. He waits a few minutes, but the dog does nothing. After working on the safe a while longer, he feels hot air on his other ear. Yep, there's a Rottweiler on that side, too, but the dog does nothing. All the while, the parrot says "Hey! What'cha doing down there?"
Feeling brave, the thief asks "Can't you say anything else?" to the parrot.
The parrot answers "Yeah! Sic 'em, boys!"
Two Japanese and American....
Two Japanese copilots and an American are flying over japan when the planes engines fail.
The first Japanese pilot jumps out of the plane and says, " Oh great Buddha please help me!" And Buddha grabs him by his hands and safely puts him on the ground.
The second Japanese pilot jumps out of the plane and says, " Oh great Buddha please help me!" And Buddha grabs him by his hands and safely puts him on the ground.
The American thinks to himself, if it worked for them, maybe it will work for me. He proceeds to jump out of the plane and exclaim, " Oh great Buddha please help me!" And Buddha grabs him by his hands, but on the way down the American says, "Oh thank god!"
And Buddha drops him.
How stock markets work!
It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the weather man responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied,
'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy.'
This is how stock markets work!
An airplane is flying over the Atlantic when suddenly...
One out of four engines explodes. The pilot says over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we lost one out of four engines. This is no cause for panic, as we still have three engines that work fine. However, instead of the two hour flight we planned, it will take us three hours. Thank you for your patience."
All seems fine until an hour later, when another loud e**... sounds. The pilot once again comes over the intercom and says, "Hey there, folks. No need to be alarmed; we lost another engine, but rest assured this airplane is still perfectly safe. Unfortunately this makes our delay an hour longer. Thank you four your cooperation."
Another hour goes by without incident, when there is another e**.... "This is your Pilot once again...we lost our third of four engines, but don't worry at all, we are still in good shape. I am sorry to inform you that we will once again be delayed and it will take us five hours to get to our destination. We apologize and thank you for flying with us."
One passenger turns to the next and says, "At this rate we'll be up here forever!"
20 reasons why chocolate is better than s**...
1. you can *get* chocolate.
2. 'if you love me you'll s**... it' has real meaning with chocolate.
3. chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. you can safely have chocolate while driving.
5. you can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. you can have chocolate in front of your mother.
7. if you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate doesn't mind.
8. two people of the same s**... can have chocolate without being called n**... names.
9. the word 'commitment' doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. you can have chocolate on top of your worktable or desk during working hours without upsetting your coworkers.
11. you can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. you don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. with chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. you can have chocolate any time of the month.
16. good chocolate is easy to find.
17. you can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. you are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. when you have chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbors awake.
20. with chocolate, size doesn't matter.
A politician is leaving office...
...and shaking the hand of the fresh face. The old bear motions the new comer to come closer - to exchange words.
"You're a public figure now. You must act in a most respectable way, you need to care for your people - not so much that they need you, but enough that they don't forget who you are. And most important - keep these two letters close by.'
"When you get yourself into a situation you can't get out of, open the first letter, and you'll be safe. When you get yourself into another situation you can't get out of, open the second letter".
Well, soon enough, the young professional was in a tight place, so they opened the first letter. Which said - "Blame everything on me". So tyhe old politician was blamed, it worked like a charm. Years later the politician got into a second situation they couldn't get out of - the second letter was opened. It said - "Sit down, and write two letters"
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed.
The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble c**... barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain.
They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane.
They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".
The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".
The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
