Work Practical Jokes

An old actor has trouble getting work due to failing memory...

After contacting many people that he worked with in the past , he is finally able to land a job in a popular new Broadway play. The director tells him its only one line at the beginning of the play, but it is a very important line. It sets the mood for the rest of the play. It is ESSENTIAL he nails the line. The old actor emphasizes that he will nail it. The director reluctantly agrees and proceeds to tell him his role. You will take a beautiful rose, bring it to your nose and take a deep breath and say the following line: *Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress…* That's it. Do not screw this up! The old actor thanks him 10 times over and proceeds to practice for the next 2 weeks nonstop.
Opening night comes. It's a sold out theater. He takes to the stage, spotlight on him. He raises his hand, takes a deep breath and says the line perfectly * Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress… * Just after the line is delivered the auditorium burst into laughter. He walks off the stage distraught. I don't get it. I nailed the line perfectly. What happened? The director looks at him and yells YOU IDIOT! YOU FORGOT THE FLOWER!

Depressed race car mechanic.

Scene: a psychiatrists practice:
'Doc, I'm a mechanic I work for a racecar driver. It's utterly depressing ... I get to fix his car up, maintain it, tune it to perfection. But never -not once- have I been allowed to take it for a spin. It's crushing a depressing to think that such a wonderful thing is out there purring, but I'll never get to enjoy it. ...'
'Well sir, I think I understand just fine, my brother in law has the exact same problem.'
'Is he a mechanic too doc?'
'No, a gynecologist'

A programmer wants to try stand up.

A programmer wants to try stand up. So he practices for a while and goes to comedy clubs and learns for a while. Then one day he decided will be doing a show. While performing, he will tell a joke and no one laughs and then he will go back the the start of joke a changes a bit and tells it again, you could see few people struggling to laugh but not quite enough, then he goes back to the start of the joke change a bit and repeats again, this time everyone laughs. Some one from crowd asks why did you mistake your joke, why he had to go back to the beginning and start over? Programmer I had to debug a bit to find out what worked for this crowd..

Jim had a pregnant wife who was soon to give birth.

One day, he's on his way home from work, when he gets the call that his wife has gone into labour. In a panic, he races to get to the hospital, but swerves his car and crashes into the ditch. When he wakes up, he finds himself in the hospital, with his brother Jack, an irascible practical joker, leaning over his bed.
Your wife's fine, and she gave birth to two healthy twins, a boy and a girl. The doctors needed names, so I had to name them."
Jim was wary. What'd you name them?
I named the girl Denise, Jack said.
That's a good name, Jim breathed out a sigh of relief. What'd you name the boy?
Denephew.

Adam is a little lonely...

About a month or so after Adam was introduced to Eden, God and Adam are meeting for dinner. Adam expresses his admiration for the plants and the animals and the joy and beauty of it all, but admits that there is one little thing that he feels sad about: he feels a tiny bit lonely....
God quickly points out that he is already working on a solution: it is called a "woman," and is stunning to behold, beautiful and slim, would make company for Adam, would care for him when he's sick, attend to cooking and cleaning, make love to him whenever he wanted, and basically be a joy to be around.
Adam is suitably impressed, and expresses his eagerness for this "woman" thing to be created. He is practically beside himself.
"There is a catch, though," says God, "to create the woman I described I need both of your legs, and at least one arm."
Adam hems and haws for a while, and then asks: "what can I get for one rib?"

A woodchopper from the Middle East is looking for a job...

The foreman said, "I don't know if this is the kind of job you want; here we chop trees." The woodchopper said, "That's precisely the sort of work I do." The foreman replied, "Okay, here's an axe—let's see how long it takes you to chop down this tree here." The woodchopper went over to the tree and felled it with one blow. The foreman, amazed, said, "Okay, try that big one over there." The woodchopper went over to the tree—biff, bam—in two strokes the tree was down. "Fantastic!" cried the foreman. Of course you are hired, but how did you ever learn to chop like that?" "Oh," he replied, "I've had plenty of practice in the Sahara Forest." The foreman thought for a moment. "You mean," he said, "the Sahara Desert." "Oh yes," replied the woodchopper, "it is now!"

Best/worst joke I've ever come up with on my own

True story: I was at a bar with a group of friends a few summers back. We were all working in research labs at the time, and 2 girls both named Amy happened to be assigned to the same project which lead to their schedules being nearly identical. You rarely saw one without the other. Someone brought this up after we'd all had a few drinks, and one of the Amy's said something along the lines of "yeah, we're always together; we're practically joined at the hip." This is turn resulted in me saying, "I guess you could say you're si-Amys." Then I went home.

Two filmmakers, Juan and Theotto, are talking over lunch…

…when Juan says to Theotto, "So, how's your work been lately?"
Theotto replies, "Eh, it's been pretty alright. I did get this rather--ahem--'interesting' screenplay recently."
Juan: "Yeah?"
Theotto: "Yeah. It was thick as a brick. It had this giant cast of characters, and there was practically no plot. Not to mention, about a third of it was blatant product placement. Can you believe it?"
Juan, rolling his eyes: "Sounds wonderful."
Theotto: "I know, right? Did I tell you he just left it on my doorstep? Didn't even try to contact me or anything."
Juan: "Dude, that's messed up."
Theotto: "Tell me about it. The worst part about it was the title, though."
Juan: "What was it?"
Theotto: "'The Telephone Directory'"

How stock markets work!

It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the weather man responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied,
'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy.'
This is how stock markets work!

The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
"Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
A few actually smirked.
But the patient’s daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women’s brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."