Work Performance Jokes
47 work performance jokes and hilarious work performance puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about work performance that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Work Performance Short Jokes
Short work performance jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The work performance humour may include short performance management jokes also.
- I think the most patriotic part of the entire super bowl was Rihanna's halftime performance Because there's nothing more American than for a woman to work while she's pregnant.
- What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job? He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
- I work as a Customs Officer and yesterday I had my yearly performance review. They feel I'm borderline incompetent.
- Lost my job as a hedge fund manager today, not sure if due to dress code or work performance! All the boss would tell me is something about my shorts and that that they didn't cover.
- I tried stand-up before, but it didn't work out. My first audience was a real tough crowd I was performing in a haunted house and the only responses I got were "boooo".
- I was once asked in a job interview if I could perform under pressure. I said, "I do my best work at one atmosphere."
- I have to admit that I lied at my interview when asked if I perform well under pressure I hate working on this submarine
- If Fifth Harmony was unable to perform at the nhl All Star... They can still have an option to work from home via satellite.
- My annual performance review says I lack "passion & intensity", guess management hasn't seen me alone with a Big Mac.
- Working here is like working in a w**.... The better you perform, the more often you get s**....
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Work Performance One Liners
Which work performance one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with work performance? I can suggest the ones about work event and work pressure.
- I have a bullet like work ethic I perform like I have just been fired
- All work and no play makes Jack an unsuccessful stage performer.
- Working is like having s**... I s**... at it and I always perform poorly
Work Performance Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about work performance you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean performance testing jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make work performance pranks.
Three women talk about their husband's performance as lovers.
The first woman says, "My husband is a marriage counselor, so he always buys me flowers and candy before we make love."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and use leather sometimes."
The third woman shakes her head and says, "My husband works for an Internet company. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland.
They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.
The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.
When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"
The older man and his problems
A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform s**.... He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "When your partner can take no more s**... and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves, and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed,cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks: "What did you say '123' for?"
A Broken Watch
A guy is walking down the street and suddenly notices that his watch has stopped working. As he stands there musing over this discovery, he notices that the display window of a nearby shop has several dozen watches and clocks in it.
The man steps inside the door of the shop and asks the proprietor, "Excuse me, my watch has stopped working. I wonder if you can repair it for me?"
The proprietor looks up from his desk and says, "What are you talking about? I'm not a watchmaker--I'm a mohel. I perform circumcisions."
Confused, the gentleman asks, "Well then why do you have so many watches and clocks in your window?"
The mohel calmly replies, "What would you prefer that I display?"
A Lesson in English
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform in bed. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123'"
The guy then asks, "What happens when I want the effect to go away."
The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234. But be warned - it will not work again for another year."
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers.
That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his best shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." It works better than he thought.
Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition
After the resurrection, Jesus was hanging out with Peter, fishing.......
Jesus says, "I feel like performing a miracle. What should I do?"
Peter says, "How about the walking-on-water gig?"
Jesus agrees, steps out of the boat, and slowly starts sinking as he walks around.
Peter helps him back into the boat and asks, "Why didn't it work this time?"
Jesus replies, "I'm not sure, maybe it's the holes in my feet."
I was fired from work at school...
So, due to a minor defect at birth, I was born with Strabismus, and up until last Friday, I was happy performing my duties as a teacher.
Unfortunately, I was fired. My boss told me he couldn't have a teacher in his school that couldn't control his pupils.
Why you should never end a sentence with a preposition.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a
nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4'," he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, s**... and took a spoonful of the medicine. Then he invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. Then she asked, "What was the '1-2-3' for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Grammer is important
On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, s**..., took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Confession of a young OB/GYN doc.
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams...
To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . . I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard. No doctor but the song you were whistling was, ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.
A man visits his doctor...
and asks him how to improve his s**... performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests m**... a couple of hours before a s**... encounter.
After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't risk doing it at work for fear of being fired, and he can't do it at home because he is meeting his girlfriend at a nice restaurant and won't have time to stop. After a little more thinking, he devises a brilliant plan: he will pretend he is fixing the underside of his car and do it there so no one can see him.
The next day, the man leaves work and heads to the restaurant. He pulls over to the side of the busy highway, discreetly slides under his car, closes his eyes and begins furiously slapping the salami. Some time goes by when another car pulls up behind him. A police officer steps out and says, "Excuse me sir, can I ask what you're doing there?"
"Oh, I'm just fixing my axles." The man replies.
The officer responds, "Well you might want to fix your brakes too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
s**... healing
Dave went to his doctor for a check up. The doctor said, "Well, you are in the best of health. Do you have any questions for me?" Dave thought for a moment and replied. "Yeah, I've noticed my wife isn't, you know, in the mood like she used to be. What can I do about that?" The doctor chuckled and said, "That's just part of growing old, Dave. Tell you what, I'll write you a prescription for these pills. Slip one into her drink and wait about 2 hours, she will be hot for you then."
Dave went home, and that night, he slipped a pill into her glass of water. Then he started thinking. What if she was ready to go and he couldn't perform? He quickly swallowed 3 of the pills and took some water. They went to bed and Dave waited for the drugs to do their magic. After a while, he figured they didn't work, and fell asleep. About two hours later, his wife suddenly sat straight up in bed and yelled, "I need a man! I need a man!" He sat straight up in bed next to her and yelled, "So do I! So do I!"
I'm no Doctor
A husband and wife are at the hospital.. the wife is in a coma.
The doctor pulls the husband to the side and says "we have tried everything in the realms of medicine to revive your wife., but we have no progress.
Th last option I can suggest which will sometimes work is to perform o**... s**... with her - would you be willing?"
Husband says yes and the nurses slide the curtains closed for privacy.
A few minutes later the machine that goes beep flatlines and the nurses and doctor race in to help.
When they ask the husband what happened he replies -
"Well, I'm no doctor - but I think she choked to death"
A Husband working in UK wrote to his wife in India.
Dear Sunita Darling,
I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected
my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart, please understand and adjust with this situation.
Your loving husband,
His wife replied
Hey hubby
Thanks for the 100 kisses.
Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of
the monthly rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only,so I gave him other items, I hope
you understand.
5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.
Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can
survive the month using this balance.
Shall I plan the same for the next month?
Your
Microsoft-Lover
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers.
The first woman says, My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.
The second woman says, My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.
The third woman just shakes her head and says, My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.
Funniest Doctor Joke I've read in years (supposedly true):
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB-GYN,
I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams...
To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam
suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No, doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' '
[Long]Three Toronto surgeons were playing golf together
and discussing surgeries they had performed..
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Ontario. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident;
I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.
The second surgeon said.. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident;
I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics.
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs . Several years ago a man was high on c**... and m**...
and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour.
All I had left to work with was the man's blonde hair and the Horse's a**....
I was able to put them together and now he's running for President of the U..S.A!"
A man comes home from work...
A man comes home from work and he finds his wife furious at him.
She screams "Why did you sleep with my sister while you were at work!?"
He replies "Well she was lying on the table, n**..., and you know she's an attractive woman, so what did you expect me to do?"
"Perform the autopsy."
One day John looks over the fence and spies Sam's wife, n**..., watering the garden.
When Sam gets home from work, John brags to him that he's seen his wife n**....
Sam wants revenge, so that night creeps over to John's yard and catches sight of John's wife performing o**... s**....
The next day, Sam approaches John at the mailbox. "Hey, I saw your wife performing o**... s**... on you last night."
"Ha ha, the joke's on you," John says, "I wasn't home last night!"
A man gets married and wants to have children
A man gets married and wants to have children. His wife works hard at her job performing autopsies, and they save up enough money to where the husband starts talking seriously about having a child. She is very stand-offish about it, but he continues to bring it up repeatedly. One day, after picking her up from her job at the morgue, he confronts her, asking "Why don't you want to have children?" Angrily, she turns to him and tells him "Because nobody puts a baby in a coroner."
A man is walking down the street
When he notices his watch has stopped. Seeing a shop window filled with watches and clocks, he goes inside
My watch has stopped, could you take a look at it? He asks the man behind the counter.
Oh, I'm sorry. I don't work on watches. You see, I'm a Mohel.
What's a Mohel?
Well, a Mohel is a rabbi who performs the bris, or circumcision of a newborn boy.
Well then why do you have all those watches in your shop window?
What SHOULD I put in the window?
3 Nuns go to confession. (Semi-n**...)
The first nun says "Father, I have sinned, I have not been not been going to church every Sunday"
The priest says, "Alright that will be 5 hail mary's and God will forgive you."
The second nun says "Father, I have sinned, I have not been performing my duties with charity work since I became a nun"
The priest says, "Alright that will be 5 hail mary's, and 5 our fathers and God will forgive you."
The third nun says "Father, I have sinned, I have not been wearing p**..., and I have been having s**... urges"
The priest says, "Alright that will be 5 hail mary's, and 5 our fathers, and five cartwheels and God will forgive you."
Jesus and Moses were hanging out having some drinks...
"Moses, nobody believes in us anymore. I'm going to perform a miracle," says Jesus.
He leads the way down to the beach.
"I'm going to walk on water. That will restore their faith!"
Jesus steps out onto the water, but he falls right in. He brushes himself off and, with much determination, steps out on to the water again. Once again, he falls in and is now soaked.
Wringing his his clothes out, he exclaims "Moses, I don't know what happened! The last time I did this trick it worked like a charm!"
Moses replies "The last time you did this you didn't have holes in your feet."
A programmer wants to try stand up.
A programmer wants to try stand up. So he practices for a while and goes to comedy clubs and learns for a while. Then one day he decided will be doing a show. While performing, he will tell a joke and no one laughs and then he will go back the the start of joke a changes a bit and tells it again, you could see few people struggling to laugh but not quite enough, then he goes back to the start of the joke change a bit and repeats again, this time everyone laughs. Some one from crowd asks why did you mistake your joke, why he had to go back to the beginning and start over? Programmer I had to debug a bit to find out what worked for this crowd..
Helicopter c**...
A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly loses engine power and the aircraft begins to descend
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.
Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.
The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!!!"
"Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!!"
Arabic (Yemeni) joke. Don't mind the translation if it's not accurate
A Yemeni man traveled to Nigeria for work. On the first day he saw a f**.... The men were carrying the body on their heads. On the second day he saw a second f**.... This time they were carrying the body by their fingers, so he asked them why they do this.
They told him we carry the dead according to his/her work. The first was a barber , so we carried him on our heads, and the second was a piano player, so we carried him on our fingers. On the third day, the Yemeni man returned to Yemen because his job was to perform circumcision.
A magician working on a ship was losing people's interest with the captains parrot telling everyone how he was performing his tricks.
After a few weeks into the course, the ship breaks down and sinks in the ocean. The magician makes it out alive and holds onto a scrap of wood not to drown. Unfortunately the parrot was also using the same scrap to survive.
A few days go past and the parrot finally looks to the magician and says, "You know what? I give up! How did you make the ship disappear?"
A man's car gets haunted by a ghost
So he decided to go to a priest to get it removed.
The priest performs the exorcism, and it works! He successfully removes the ghost from the car. He says to the man "That'll be $250." The man refuses to pay, and so a couple weeks later his car gets repossessed.
A friend of mine, a performing arts student, was recently killed in an accident in Toronto…
He was putting himself through school by working as a birthday clown and he had to take the subway to get around. He was going to his next gig and his floppy shoes caught on his baggy trousers and, since he was a little too close to the edge, he fell in front of the train. We have tried to get the transit commission to adjust the signage but they won't do anything. They said he was just another victim of circus-pants.
Larry is having his performance evaluation and his boss is showing his disappointment.
He said, Larry, you used to be a great worker, but for the past few months I never seem to see you working when I come by your office. What happened?
Larry looks at the boss and said, Well, in August they carpeted the hallway…
A Little Known Fact About the Works of J.R.R Tolkien
For his Eleventy-first birthday, instead of fireworks, Bilbo initially asked Gandalf if he could bring the band that plays Dream Police to perform a concert at the party.
This enraged Gandalf however, as Bilbo Baggins took him for some conjurer of Cheap Trick.