Work Knock Knock Jokes
70 work knock knock jokes and hilarious work knock knock puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about work knock knock that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Work Knock Knock Short Jokes
Short work knock knock jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The work knock knock humour may include short sleep knock knock jokes also.
- Knock, Knock. Warning. Warning.
If you receive a knock knock email. Do not open it.
It will be Jehovah Witnesses working from home. - If you get an e-mail that says knock knock don't open it! It's jehova's witness working from home
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Comical & Quirky Work Knock Knock Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about work knock knock you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean food knock knock jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make work knock knock pranks.
There was a boy and his mother was about to go to work.
She said, "Do not open the door for nobody".
The boy said, "Okay."
So after the mother left a girl came to their house and she said to the boy, "Let me in."
The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow”"
So the girl went to the window and started knocking on it.
Once again she said, "Let me in."
The boy finally gave up and let her in.
So once she got in she said, "Let’s go upstairs."
The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow."
The girl kept asking him so he finally gave up.
When his mama came into his room she said, "Get off that girl."
The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow!"
A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.
She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street.
At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load."
He ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."
The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
"Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am," he said politely, "but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread."
"That's right."
"Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake."
"Well, today is his birthday."
A blonde woman looking to make extra cash goes into a rich neighborhood....
She comes across a house, knocks on the door and a man opens the door. I am looking for work and would do anything . The man looks at his porch and sees it needs some serious paint asks her to paint it for $100. She agrees. He shows her to the paints in his garage and she gets to work. About an hour later, the blonde comes back to the man and tells him she is all done. Confused that she is done so quickly, asks her: you realize the porch goes all the way around? To which she replies: Yes, it's all done. Impressed, the man hands her the $100 for her work. Just as she was about to leave, she says: oh by the way, that's a Ferrari not a porch.
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally n**.... Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're n**...!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're n**...!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing"...
A rich guy hires an out of work Mexican to do some work.
The guy hands him a 5 gallon bucket of green paint and says, "Go around the side of the house, and paint my porch."
The Mexican knocks on the door a few hours later and says, "I'm finished mister - but I have to tell you, that was no porch, that was a Mercedes."
So a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde all work in a very small office
One day their boss Ms. White tells them, "Hey guys, I am going to knock off a little early. I'll see you tomorrow."
Well, the three ladies start talking and they all decide that since the boss wasn't around, they were going to leave too.
The red head went to meet her friends at a bar, the brunette called her boyfriend and went to a movie, but the blonde just went home.
When she got there she heard noises coming from her bedroom. She carefully peeked in and saw her boss and her husband passionately knocking the boots.
Well, she dashed out of the house as quietly as she could and went to the mall until it was her normal time to go home.
The next day Ms White told her three workers she was leaving work early again. And again the three discussed sneaking out early. The blonde said, "No way! The last time we did that, I almost got caught!"
Painting a Church: My favourite joke
Bill, an unscrupulous painter, would often thin down his paint when hired to do a job, and pocket the money he'd save.
One day, the local church decided to do some long-awaited maintenance, and hired Bill for the job.
Bill gets to work, and after a good few hours, he's nearly done - as he stands on his scaffolding to finish off the steeple, he smiles to himself: the paint job looks pretty good, he's scammed the church out of a few hundred bucks, and he'll be done before dinner.
Suddenly, thunder ensues, a huge bolt of lightning knocks Bill right off his scaffolding, and the skies open up - and all of Bill's newly-applied paint washes right off the church.
Bill, a religious man despite his thievery, knows it's a sign from God. He falls to his knees in a puddle of rainwater and paint, and cries, "Oh God, forgive me! What should I do?"
And amongst the thunder, a booming voice: "REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"
There was once a man who woke up every morning and f**... really loudly...
Every day he would wake up, release the pressure, and his wife would say in disgust "one of these days, you're going to f**... your guts out". So one Thanksgiving, the wife got up early to start fixing the feast for the day. As she was removing the giblets from the turkey, she had an idea. Sneaking back up to the bedroom, she carefully lifted the back of her husbands pajamas and placed the giblets into his pants, then snuck back downstairs and continued her work. After a while, she heard her husbands alarm go off and, just as every morning, the eruptive release of high pressure gasses. She giggled to herself and her small prank, and waited for him to come down stairs. Five minutes went by, and there was no sign of him, but she kept preparing the meal. Ten minutes...Fifteen...and now she was a little worried so she went up to check on him. She noticed the bathroom light was on, so she knocked on the door and asked "honey are you ok?" He came out and sheepishly replied "Well, it finally happened. I f**... my guts out. But by the grace of god, and these two fingers, I was able to get them back in."
Joke I came up with (needs work)
So there are this brother and sister who live together, Cee and Sofie. Sofie says she has a date tonight, the guy will be over at 8 and that Cee will have to let him in while she gets all pampered up.
So later that evening, there is a knock at the door and Sofie shouts out from upstairs "Cee, can you get that?"
Cee opens the door and sees an enormous orange standing in front of him. Cee begins to speak.....
"You are?.......", Cee asks
"Hi!", says the Orange
"Invite him in Cee!", Sofie shouts from upstairs.
The Orange replies, "Not to mention calcium and potassium!"
A woman staying in a hotel was taking a shower after a long days work when she heard a knock on her door.
She went to the door, looked through the door-hole and saw it was her friend Steve. She wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.
"I finally got my racing licence!" exclaimed Steve.
"Good for you." the woman said, and closed the door, left the towel by the door and got back in the shower. A second knock came, and she saw it was John, another friend of hers. Again she wrapped the towel around her and opened the door.
"I won the lottery!" John said, and the woman congratulated him and went back to her shower. for the third time, a knock on the door came. she looked through the peephole and saw it was Tom, her blind friend. she didn't bother putting on a towel.
"What is it Tom?! This is the third time I have been interrupted while showering!"
Tom gleefully replied:
"I can see!"
So there was an abandoned church...
and few nuns get sent over to clean it up a bit and restore its former glory. As they were painting the ceiling, one of them says, "Sisters, it is VERY hot in here, and we're working so feverishly, and i really don't want to get any paint on our robes. What say you, we just s**... down, and finish this paint job in our birthday suits. This church has been abandoned for years, and even if somebody comes, we can always throw our robes back on in a second." The other nuns agree.
A few minutes later there's a knock on the door. One of the nuns looks through the mail slot and sees a man standing there. So she says "Who is it?" and the man answers "I'm the blind man."
Relieved the nun opens the door, and the man walks in and says "Nice h**.... Where do you want these blinds?"
Tickle Me Elmo
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.
He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
A Bad Day (Clean)
A man is sitting in a bar staring at his drink.
After staring at it for half an hour without taking a sip, one of the bar regulars decides to have some fun with him.
He picks up the man's drink and knocks it back in one. The man starts crying.
"Don't take it like that," says the regular. "It was a joke. I'll buy you another one."
"It's not just that," replies the man. "This day has been the worst one of my life. First, I oversleep and get into work late. My boss fires me and, when I leave the building, I find my car had been stolen. I get a cab home but leave my briefcase on the back seat with my wallet in it. Then, when I get home, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. After all that I come to this bar and then, when I've just made up my mind to end it all, you show up and drink my poison"
Two out-of-work Mexicans knock on a rich guy's door - looking for odd jobs
The rich guy feels for them, so he says, "I'll give you 100 bucks to go out back and paint my porch."
The Mexicans can't believe their luck - and agree. The rich guy gives them a few gallons of paint and some brushes.
About an hour later, they knock on the door. The guy answers, and the Mexicans tell him they are done. He says, "I can't believe you're done so fast. That should have taken at least 5 hours."
One of the Mexicans says, "We are done, Senor. But I have to tell you - that wasn't no porch. That was a Mercedes."
in response to a deleted post: How do you apologise when you're wrong? [knock knock joke]
Me: knock knock
(assuming they're still speaking to me and know what to say next)
Them: Who's there?
Me: Kenya Fork
Them: ...Kenya Fork who?
Me: Ken ya forg-ive me?! I'm sorry
(Works well to distract them from the fact that you were wrong about something by the lameness of the joke!)
A lawyer is working late one night. There's a knock on his door, and in walks Satan...
Satan walks in, takes a seat, and starts talking.
"I'm here to make you an offer. I will give you all the fame, success, power, and wealth that you've ever desired. You'll be the top of your field; you can even get into politics, if you want. Schools will adopt your name. Want to own an island? How about three islands? All of that, and more...
"...and the only thing I ask for in exchange is a promise from you. You promise that your soul, the soul of your wife, and the souls of your children will be mine for all eternity."
The lawyer says nothing. He stands up, scratches his chin, and wanders around the office for a few minutes, thinking. Finally he turns to Satan and says incredulously, "All right, all right, wait just a second here. What's the catch?"
A man and wife are in bed one night
when suddenly there's a knock at the door. Bleary eyed, the man staggers down the stairs mumbling profanities and opens the front door to see an old man.
"Im sorry to have woken you up but i was wondering if you can help me by giving me a bit of a push?"
"what??" Replied the man, "you woke me ip at two in the morning for that? Get lost. I have work in the morning"
He slams the door and marches back upstairs. As he gets into bed his wife enquires as to who was at the door.
"Oh, some old fella wanting a push. At this time of night" he snapped.
"And you didn't help him?" His wife asked, "What if it were me and our car broke down. Do you think you'd be happy knowing someone couldn't be bothered to help me? I think you should go out there and help him right now"
"Oh alright" he muttered. He put on his housecoat and the nearest pair of shoes and went back downstairs to see if the man was still there.
Upon getting outside, he couldn't see the man or his car anywhere.
"Hello!? Are you still there?" He shouted.
"Im over here" a voice called out. "on the swings"
A German, a Mexican, and a c**...
A German, a Mexican, and a c**... all come to the U.S. together eager to live the American dream. Ready to work, they go around knocking on doors asking if anyone needs help. An old man answers the door and informs them that he needs a new barn built. The three agree to do it and follow the old man behind the house.
The old man explains what he wants and leaves them to it telling them that they'll find tools in the old barn.
The German takes charge and says, "I'll design it and supervise the job." Points to the Mexican and says, "You'll do the labor and dig the foundation," and points to the c**... and says, "You'll be in charge of the supplies."
Immediately the c**... takes off. After a little while the German completes the design and the Mexican gets right to work. A little while later the foundation has been excavated and the German and the Mexican look at each other wondering where the c**... is with the supplies. About half an hour later, the Mexican climbs out of the hole and joins the German in the search for the c**....
They are look around the old barn and as they're about to round the corner, the c**... jumps out with a smile on his face and his hands flailing in the air and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
There's this lady who works in a bank...
... her name is Patricia Wack, but all her friends and colleagues call her Pattie. She's very good at her job. One of those people who pays painful and pedantic attention to detail, does everything by the book, and is generally a bit annoying, but does a great job as a bank teller.
One day, while she's going about her daily tasks, a frog hops up onto her counter.
"I want a loan," says the frog.
"Have you filled out the application?" asks Patricia.
"No," replies the frog. "I don't need to bother with all that b**.... Just go and get your manager. I've dealt with him before, and he'll give me the loan."
"Hang on," says Patricia, "I don't see any paperwork or ID, and I don't know the first thing about you. I don't know if you're having me on, or trying to defraud the bank. What's your name?"
"Kermit Jagger," says the frog.
"Now you're really having me on," says Patricia. "Get out of this bank before I call the police."
"No, seriously, go talk to your manager," says the frog. He digs around in his pocket and pulls out a Mr Bean Bobblehead. "Take this and give it to him. He'll know what it is."
Patricia reluctantly takes the toy, and walks upstairs to her manager's office. She knocks on the door, and he waves her in.
"What is it, Pattie?" He asks.
"Well, sir, there's a frog downstairs wanting a loan, but has none of the necessary documents or ID. He says he knows you, and to give you this." With that she places the bobblehead on the manager's desk.
The manager looks at it for a little while, smiles and says, "No worries, Pattie. You can go ahead and approve him up to $20,000."
"But sir!!! He has no ID or credit history with him! He didn't bring any paperwork, and won't do this by the book at all! What's going on, anyway? And what is that... toy that he made me bring to you, anyway?? What's that got to do with it?"
The manager sighs, leans forward, and says, "It's a nick-nack, Pattie Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Not so funny on the internet, but try these on your friends.
These are 2 options for knock knock jokes that only really work in person.
**1:**
* You: Knock knock!
* Them: Who's there?
* You: Interrupting cow.
* Them: Interrupting-
* You: MOOO!!
(Make sure you interrupt them)
**2:**
* You: I have a great knock knock joke for you.
* Them: Okay.
* You: Okay so you start it.
* Them: Knock knock!
* You: Who's there?
* Them: ....uhh
Enjoy!
45th birthday
Two weeks ago was my and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!" and probably would have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day."Let's go!" We went to lunch.
We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable".
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake -- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there --on the couch -- n**....
All anti-semites
Young Isaac knocks on his boss's door.
Boss: "come in!, yes Isaac what can i do for you?"
Isaac: "I can't work here anymore! I quit! Everyone who work here is anti-semite!"
Boss: "What? What are you talking about? I guess there might be one or two, but everyone? come on, it's ridiculous!"
Isaac " I am telling you! They are! I asked all of them one question, and they all gave me the same answer."
Boss: "But... what was that question?"
Isaac: " I asked waht would they think if we exterminate all the jews and all the hairdressers"
Boss: "Hairdressers? Why the hairdressers?"
Isaac: "See? You're all the same"
A little boy answered a knock at the door...
A little boy answered a knock at the door to find a well-dressed woman.
"Is your mother home?" she asked, politely.
"Uh uh," he said.
"Okay," she said, put off by his lack of manners. "Is your father home?"
"Nope. He done gone to work and he ain't gonna be back 'til after dinner."
"Young man," she said sternly. "Where's your grammar?"
"She's in the kitchen... Bakin' cookies."
*
A blond woman goes around a rich neighbourhood looking for work...
A blond goes around a rich neighbourhood, looking for jobs to make some quick money. She goes up to one of the houses front doors, and asks the man who answered the door if he needs any painting done. He asks if she could paint his porch. She agrees, and tells him it will cost $50 do do. The man goes back inside, and tells his wife that the woman is painting his porch for $50. The wife, surprised resonds but the porch goes all around the entire house. $50 isn't near what we should be paying to get it painted." The man dismisses this, and 15 minutes later, the woman knocks on his door, saying she is done, and even did a second coat. The man, amazed, asks her how she got done so quickly, to which she responds its not *that* big. And by the way, it's not a Porsche, it a Ferrari"
I need help thinking of a joke involving supernatural creatures
It needs to be a one or two liner, no knock knock jokes or riddles.
Context: I'm working at a summer camp and my call sign is Ghost. Tomorrow morning at the assembly, I'm going up and giving some world news (spoofs, not actual news). I want to say "hey guys, I'm Ghost with all your *other*worldly news", but I'm having trouble thinking of what to say after that. Any ideas would be great.
The Vietnam newbie was told they didn't have any more M-16's...
and he should just point his finger and yell "BANGITY! BANGITY! BANG!"
He's out on patrol, he sees enemy soldiers and points his finger.
"BANGITY! BANGITY! BANG!"
Much to his amazement, the enemy soldiers fall to the ground dead. He continues on his way, killing more and more VC.
But then he sees an enemy soldier steadfastly walking towards him, and the "BANGITY! BANGITY! BANG!" doesn't work. He tries again, "BANGITY! BANGITY! BANG!" but the VC just keeps coming. The VC blunders into him, knocks our hero down, steps on his stomach and face as he proceeds into the distance, saying "TANKETY TANKETY TANK!"
My friend's "gong clock"
My friend called me to his house one evening for a catchup. We spent a few hours talking and it was getting late so I decided to leave. "Wait! I haven't shown you my gong clock! He took me upstairs where he had this massive gong close to the back wall. He said "like it?!" I replied "umm.. How does it work? Doesn't it just make a noise?" "Haha not just makes a noise but you can get the time too!" He said. "Let me demonstrate.." He picked up a giant mallet and struck the gong! It was so loud we both covered our ears! When I removed my hands and the gong was quieting down I could hear was knocking on wall and a muffled voice shouting "IT'S 11 O'CLOCK AT NIGHT WHATS THE MATTER WITH YOU!?"
Two onions, male and female, knock into each other on the street...
...An affair begins. Onion romance has occurred.
They tie the knot; several months later they have a baby onion.
Father onion takes another shift to make ends meet.
Mother onion is encumbered with house work one day, much distracted.
Baby onion wanders out the open door unsupervised. It crosses the sidewalk and is hit by a car.
At the hospital mother and father onion pace up and down the hospital corridor, crying.
A team of surgeons try all night to save baby onion's life.
Towards dawn the doors to the hospital room open. A doctor walks out, sweating.
Father onion asks "well, what, how is baby onion?"
The surgeon says "well he'll live, but I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
A homeless man knocks on a woman's door, looking for help...
"Think you could spare a few bucks? maybe some food?"
The woman thinks to herself for a few seconds, then says,
"You could do some handy work around here, I'd be glad to give you $30 if you paint my porch. There's some green paint and a brush right around the corner there, have at it."
He thanks her, and heads towards the bucket. She returns inside and resumes her knitting. After about an hour, she gets up to check on his progress, and sees no man, or a freshly painted porch. Just then, she hears a knocking again at her door, and goes to open it.
She is greeted by the same man, green paint splattered on his clothes and in his beard, a wide grin on his face.
"All done ma'am. and by the way, it's a Cadillac, not a Porche."
A blonde woman is looking for work....
So she decides to ask around her neighborhood if anybody needs any work done.
She stops at one mans house and asks
"Excuse me sir, I was wondering if you had any work that you need done around your house"
The man says
"Sure, I need my porch painted"
"Oh great!" The woman says, and she goes to get the supplies while the man goes back inside.
2 hours later, the woman knocks on the door again.
"That was fast" the man says
"Im a quick worker" the woman says, "By the way, thats a Ferarri, not a Porch"
Talking clock
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"
"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
Kid looking for odd jobs comes to a guys door
"Hey mister" he starts out, "I'm looking for some work for pocket money over the holidays".
Impressed by the youngster's work ethic the man says "Sure son; there's a few tins of paint in the garage. Go get them and paint the porch and I'll give you $20"
4 hours later there was a knock on the man's door by a paint spattered youth holding his hand out for payment who says "I've finished and by the way that's not a porch it's a BMW"
Here's a terrible joke I heard on the radio.
So, a families toilet stopped working so they call a plumber to come fix it. The plumber says that his next free appointment is noon tomorrow, so the family sets up the appointment. Tomorrow rolls around and the family forgets that the plumber is coming and head off to work. At noon the plumber comes and knocks on the door. *knock knock knock* comes from the plumber. *knock knock knock* comes back from the house. "That's weird" said the plumber. "That's weird" returned from the house. "Who is it" said the plumber, getting quite angry. "Who is it" came from the house. "It's the plumber!" Said the plumber. "Who is it" came from the house again. The plumber gets so angry he has a heart attack right then and there on the houses steps. The family gets home and see the plumber. They yell and say "who is it?!" The family's parrot replies "it's the plumber!"
And that is my awful joke that the one and only gene shay told live on the radio in Philadelphia
In the words of Bill Murray...
An Irish man knocks on the door of an old lady, he says he's broke and looking for work. The old lady says "Sure, I'll pay you to paint my porch." So she gives the Irish man some paint and he leaves.
One hour later the man comes back, "Are you already done?" the lady asked, "Aye." said the Irish man, "But it's not a porch it's a Mazda."
A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly to a recently married couple's house...
She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch completely n**....
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're n**...!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're n**...!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says " What's for dinner?"
Two brothers live together, and one of them makes tennis equipment for people with gigantism.
Late one night, he is up, hard at work, when his brother knocks on the door. He gets up from his desk, and answers the door.
"What do you want?" he asks.
His brother responds: "Hey, I'm trying to sleep. Can you stop making a huge racket?"
I've got a good joke to use on your friends (works better face to face)
You: I've got a knock knock joke, but you have to start.
Friend: Knock knock.
You: Who's there?
*confusion and bewilderment ensues*
It's funny to see how long it takes them to work out what happened.
Mom, are you okay?
A guy had a blind date last night. But he was concerned -- What do I do if she's really unattractive? I'll be stuck with her all night.
Turns out, There's an app for that.
It's called "Mom Are You Ok". It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet her.
If you like her, you ignore it.
If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, "Mom? What's the matter? Are you okay?"
It works every time.
So he knocked on the girl's door. Turns out he needn't have worried.
She was gorgeous!
He couldn't get over how attractive she was.
Just as he was about to speak to her, her phone rang.
She answered it and said, "Mom, what's the matter? Are you okay?"
Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists!
I heard it on the radio while I was driving down the freeway on my way to work. But then I was stuck in traffic.
Some guys came up to my car, knocked on my window and said "Sir, as you must have heard, Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists! They have demanded a 50 Billion dollar ransom, or else they will douse him in gasoline and burn him alive! We are going car to car asking for a contribution."
"Oh Dear!" I exclaimed. "What is the average contribution people are giving to this great and noble cause?"
"About a gallon, sir"
A guy moves way way out to the country...
...miles from anything. One day there's a knock at the door, and he opens it to find a guy in full hayseed regalia, overalls, thermal shirt, the works.
Hick: "Howdy, new neighbor! Would ya like to come to a party at my place tonight?"
New guy: "Well, sure! I'm new to these parts, I sure would love to meet the locals."
Hick: "I gotta warn ya, there'll be some drinkin'."
New guy: "That's OK, I could use a drink."
Hick: "There'll be some salty language."
New guy: "That won't bother me."
Hick: "...and some rough s**...."
New guy: "Hey, I'm in! How about if I bring a case of wine?"
Hick: "Nah, a bottle should do: it's just you and me."
A pizza man is delivering my pizza
I hear a knock on the door, so I say
"Who is it?"
The pizza guy replies
"The pizza delivery man"
I respond
"The pizza delivery man who?"
The pizza guy responds
"Come on kid! I have your pizza, and it's raining out here. Get the pizza already!"
I reply
"That's the best you got? You really need to work on your delivery"
some knock knock jokes my daughter told me on the way home from school
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana skin."
"Banana skin, who?"
"Yay! Someone slipped on me! You know, *because people slip on banana skins*."
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Toilet paper."
"Toilet paper, who?"
"Noooo! Don't wipe me on your droopy bottom!"
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Garbage."
"Garbage, who?"
"You won't get me clean! I like being smelly!"
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"House."
"House, who?"
"I'm going to chomp you up! Into teeny, tiny pieces! ***because I'm an evil house***"
I don't think she quite grasps how knock knock jokes are supposed to work.
Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.
Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.
"Just don't tell Dad" she says.
*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.
An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything."
Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says.
Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister."
The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:
"Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."
Reunion
*What is Reunion?*
Reunion is when you get up in the morning and tell your wife you are going to work.
Instead you go to your neighbour's wife to make love to her.
Her husband comes and knocks on the door.
You go under the bed.
The husband enters the bedroom.
Feeling uneasy, the wife excuses herself to go to market to buy food items.
The husband takes advantage of the wife's absence to call your wife.
Your wife quickly arrives and they make love.
Suddenly his wife who had excused herself to go to the market turned back halfway forgetting the list of food items at home and knocks on the door.
You're still under the bed.
Your wife rushes to hide under the bed.
*This is REUNION*
A few weeks ago I hit a pig on my way home from work...
It was dark. I live in a rural part of the south and my drive home takes me down some country backroads.
I wasn't going very fast but when I hit it it flew down the road a few yards. I went to check on it amd it got up and ran away. Today I got the veterinarian bill from the pigs owner. I went to the address from which the bill was from.
I knocked on the door and this elderly man opened the door. I paid the bill which was about $200. I then asked the old man how he knew it was me. Turns out the pig squealed on me.
A man working in a brewery dies after falling in a vat of beer
The manager and CEO go to the mans house in the evening and knock on the door.
The mans wife opens the door and seeing the sombre look on the two men's faces cautiously asks *"Whats wrong!?"*
*"We have some bad news your husband died in a terrible accident at work today"* replied the manager *"He fell into a vat of beer early this morning and drowned"*
The wife looks back into the house where the table is set for dinner and the mans return *"This morning?"* she asks angrily *"And you are only just telling me now!!?"*
*"Well"* the CEO starts *"He fell in this morning but it took him all day to drown - he kept getting out to use the bathroom..."*
The Mom app.
I had a blind date last night. But I was concerned -- What do I do if she's really unattractive? I'll be stuck with her all night.
Turns out, There's an app for that.
It's called "Mom, Are You OK?". It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet her.
If you like her, you ignore it.
If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, "Mom? What's the matter? Are you okay?"
It works every time.
So I knocked on the girl's door. Turns out I needn't have worried.
She was gorgeous!
I couldn't get over how attractive she was!!
Just as I was about to speak to her, her phone rang!!!
She answered it and said, "Mom, what's the matter? Are you okay?" !!!!!!!!!!
What is Reunion ?
Reunion is when Akhil gets up in the morning and tells his wife he is going to work.
Instead he goes to his neighbour Paul's wife to make love to her.
Her husband Paul comes and knocks on the door.
Akhil goes under the bed.
Paul enters the bedroom.
Feeling uneasy, the wife excuses herself to go to market to buy food items.
Paul takes advantage of the wife's absence to call Akhil's wife.
Akhil's wife quickly arrives and they make love.
Suddenly Paul's wife who had excused herself to go to the market turned back halfway forgetting the list of food items at home and knocks on the door.
Akhil Is Still Under The Bed.
Akhil's wife rushes to hide under the bed.
This Is REUNION
Courtesy of a child at work
(My responses are in the brackets)
Will you remember me in a hour? (Yes)
Will you remember me in a day? (Yes)
Will you remember me in a week? (Yes)
Will you remember me in a month? (Yes)
Will you remember me in a year? (Yes)
Knock knock
(Who's there?)
You've forgotten me already!
This guy went to play poker with his buddies
After a while, it started pouring outside, thunderstorm and what not. The guy, who walked there, asked his friend - how will I get home now? His friend's wife tells him it's not a problem, he should just spend the night there and go straight to work the next day. The friend and his wife get ready to go to bed and then they can't find the guy anywhere. After about 20 minutes there's a knock on the door. They open the door and the guy is there, soaking wet and shivering. As they looked at him, wondering, he says: "what, I had to go home to get my pajamas!"
My six year old daughters first non-knock knock joke, told as a knock knock joke
Her: Knock Knock
Me: Who's there?
Her: Why did the chicken climb up the ladder and back down again?
Me: Sweetie, this isn't a how knock knock jokes work.
Her: Dad, this isn't a knock knock joke
Me: Okay.....
Her: To get to the other slide
A woman ran over my cat with her car.
The cat was killed and the woman knocked on my door. "I'm so sorry. I've accidentally killed your cat and I'd like to replace it." I said "I'm sure we can work something out, but first I need to know if you can catch mice."
Crude Dental Work (In Australian)
Man on island, has bad tooth. Needs tooth removed. Friend with an axe is like, I know what to do mate. Uses axe to try to remove tooth but unintentionally knocks out all his teeth. First guy is like, Ouch-aroo mate, that is a 10/10 on the pain scale. Axe guy says, 'Hey man, it was Axe-y Dental'
An Irishman is going door to door in a suburban neighbourhood looking for work
He knocks on a ladies door and she asks him if he will paint her porch. Two hours later he knocks on her door and tells her that he's finished the job. She says "it doesn't look like you painted it" he replies " oh I painted the whole thing but I got to tell you lady it's not a porch it's a BMW"
A woman is preparing dinner for her husband
While she was setting the table, a minister and the manager of the brewery the husband works at knock on the door.
When she opens the door the manager says, "We're extremely sorry, but this morning your husband fell into one of the vats of beer and drowned"
The woman explodes at the manager, "He died this morning and your telling me this now!?!?!?"
The manager replies, "Well, he got out a couple times to use the bathroom"
My son told me this joke when he was two. "Knock knock..."
"Who's there?"
"Boo."
"Boo who?"
"CHICAGO"
He's almost 13 now, so... even if you downvote me straight to h**..., this works out.
Because I can just give him a lecture over why it's all his fault, and then I will be a successful parent today.
A few guys always used to meet up on Fridays after work for a drink.
One Friday, Pete showed up late, sat down forlornly at the bar and knocked back his first beer in one gulp.
'You OK?' asked Bill, another of the gang.
'Not really,' sighed Pete. 'This morning my wife told me that she's rationing our s**... life – she's cutting me back to just once a week. I can't believe it.'
Bill put a consoling arm around Pete's shoulder. 'You think you've got it bad – she's cut some guys off altogether!'
Once a man, knocked on a door and an old lady opened the door. Without a word the man went in took a lot of cow dung from his bag and threw on the carpet. "You see , I have a wonder vaccum cleaner with me here, if this doesn't work I'll eat every piece of that dung" he said.
"Do you want tomato ketchup with it ? " The lady asked. "Cause you see, we still don't have electricity in this house"
A construction worker named John Smith had an accident at work and died.
His co-workers don't know who is going to tell John's wife that he died.
After a lot of arguing they decide that Jack should bring the news.
After an hour Jack returns with two crates of beer. Everone asks him how he got them.
Jack : I knocked on the door and a woman opened it. I asked: Are you John Smith's widow?
The woman answered : No, I'm his wife!
Jack: You want to bet two crates of beer that you're not?
My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing l**... and stockings. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap
I said, 'Fuck off Dave, I've got work in the b**... morning' .
Dave knows everyone joke
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“Pope Francis,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the f**... is that on the balcony with Dave?’
A census enumerator is working out in the country when he knocks on the door of a farmhouse.
A woman opens the door, and the man explains he's with the census and she agrees to do the interview. Eventually he gets to the part where he asks if she has children.
Let's see, says the woman, There's Timmy and Tammy; they're 4. There's Molly and Holly; they're 8. There's Terry and Larry; they're–
The census worker cuts her off, wide-eyed. You mean to tell me, he says, that you got twins EVERY time?!
The woman laughs and says Oh goodness, no! There was hundreds of times we didn't get anything!
Tragedy at the Guiness brewery
p**... O Reilly works at the Guiness brewery, one day Mrs O Reilly gets a knock on the door, it's the manager.....he tells her there was a terrible accident and her husband drowned in a vat of Guiness.
She is devastated and finally manages to s**......please tell me he went quickly and didnt suffer.
The manager replied, I'm afraid not, in fact he got out 3 times to pee
My neighbor. She's single. She's shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.
I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?
I quickly replied, Nope, I'm free!
Great she said. Can you watch my dog?
Blind Man
Two female privates are ordered to paint the general's office. They are warned not to get paint on their uniforms. So they lock the door, s**... off their clothes and get to work. An hour later, there's a knock at the door. "Who is it?" they ask. "Blind man." Thinking nothing of it, the privates open up. "Hi," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
My 2yo daughter just told her first joke!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Daddy.
Daddy who?
Daddy's there.
The closing needs some work, but it was a pretty impressive attempt! Just a proud dad over here :,-)
A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold.
A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.
He began an Epic struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so.
He said, a bit sheepishly, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of this huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign."
