Following is our collection of supervisor humor and assignments one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Work puns for adults, dirty office jokes or clean working blondes gags for kids.
There is an abundance of how government works jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 87 funniest jokes on work. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any drinking at work witze you can hear about work.
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
I responded, "How about now?"
They were pirates of the car I be in.
'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
The officer laughs, saying:
"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"
"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"
.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific so I said
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
I said, It's for sound effects during sex.
He asked, Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?
I replied, No, I work in a morgue.
... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.
At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.
To beat the crowd.
I think all kids should be forced to read it.
Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Dave: No...
Librarian: One day that will work.
I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.
I said, "Dude, it's 2016 you can use any printer you want."
Now it doesn't work.
Then I painted my computer white so it would work.
Now the whole system is corrupt.
Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!
Wife: You slept with my sister!
Man: When i got to work she was just laying there naked on my table! What was I supposed to do?!
Wife: The autopsy!
PS: Didnt make this up
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The firstο»Ώ chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.
Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think
He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
I didn't believe it at first. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I'm not sure about this NFL draft thing.
Husband: can you come here and help me with this clock?
The woman walks in the room and sees her husband sitting at the edge of their bed with a raging hard-on
Wife: thats not a clock
Husband: it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.
What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
sobbed.
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gownβ¦
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
"No" she sobbed
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
His wife looks concerned and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.
Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.
"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.
"It's . . . nothing," he says. "I can't burden you with my problems. It wouldn't be fair."
"*Your* problems?" the wife says. "We are partners. We face everything together. Your problem is my problem. There is no I, just we. Now please, tell me, what is it?"
"Well," he says, looking up at her glumly. "we got our secretary pregnant and now she's suing us for support."
The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.
Some relationships don't work out...
My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!
What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.
Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'
While on her way to work, she texted me saying she only put deodorant on one side.
To which I replied, "At least you won't smell half bad!"
Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead
A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months once and used me as her sex slave.
One day I noticed she forgot to lock the door and I thought, "Great, this is my chance!"
So I ran up the stairs and grabbed the phone.
Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went back down to the basement.
Three boys were talking after school while waiting for their fathers to pick them up. The first one boasts: "My dad is a Formula One driver. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:15."
The second boy says: "That's nothing. My dad is a jet pilot. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:05!"
The last boy looks at his companions and says: "Pfff.... amateurs! My dad works for the government. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 4:45!"
I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.
By the way: Verb, not adjective
...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50
Now it just doesn't work.
I mean, there were red flags everywhere.
...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"
He asked me which companies and I told him, "The gas, electric, and cable ones"
Ho Chow calls in to work and say,
"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"
The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later ho Chow calls again and says,
"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"
She seemed surprised.
We're not very good.
He said Dream on. I think that was really nice of him.
A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."
He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."
As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong
As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"
The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don't have any Mexicans.
I told her I get off in five minutes and she smiled. Then I said I finish work in one hour and she left.
"I get the impression you aren't being loyal to me," she said.
"Why?" I frowned.
"You've been very quiet recently. And you're always hanging around with that girl from work, Rachel?"
"Rochelle." coughed a voice from the wardrobe.
On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.
As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!" He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."
Ho Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."
The boss says, "You know what Ho, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
....if you're a firefighter.
I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.
...and said "would you like me to pick up fish & chips on the way home from work"
She had just grunted down the phone.
I think she is regretting letting me pick the names for our twins
...I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
On the other hand, everything is OK.
A man comes home from work and he finds his wife furious at him.
She screams "Why did you sleep with my sister while you were at work!?"
He replies "Well she was lying on the table, naked, and you know she's an attractive woman, so what did you expect me to do?"
"Perform the autopsy."
Me: Hi sir, can I help you?
Him: Nah I'm just looking for my wife
Me: Oh sorry, we don't sell wives here
Him: Good! Else you'd get a lot of returns!
I guess they didn't work out.
Wife: "I've cooked your dinner and if you're not back in 10 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog!"
Man: "Hey, it's not his fault!"
A man gets home one day from work and excitedly shows off to his wife that he bought a pack of *Olympic Condoms*.
"What do you say I slip on a gold one and we give it a go?" He asks her with a grin.
She simply responds,
"Why don't you try out the silver and come second for a change"
Receptionist: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.
Dad: great, I'm taking you the strip club tonight.
18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that.
Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.
I thought about carpooling with some co-workers to work, but the problem is that on the way to the office we have to go through a tunnel. I'm deathly afraid of this situation. Turns out I have carpool tunnel syndrome.
She looks at him sternly and says "If you don't stop before I count to 3, we're going home!"
1...
2...
2 and a half...
2 and three quarters...
2 and five sevenths...
Just then a man taps her on the shoulder and hands her his business card. Hi I work for Gabe Newell, co-founder of Valve, and we're looking for a new Vice President. I think you're just what we're looking for. Call me on Monday and we'll talk.
He did heroin
Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens
Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Sleeps For Five More Minutes
Star Wars Episode IX: The Force Is Late For Work
Got halfway to work, realized I forgot my car.
He's always complaining about stress at work.
... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.
So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"
The pcp was my favourite.
China built a wall and they have like, no Mexicans.
They have $6 between them and want a cool toy. After shopping around they come up to the register with a box of tampons. The clerk asks "Why?" One little boy replies "It says on the box you can go swimming, horse-back riding, play tennis, and other activities!! We just need to figure out how they work."
Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my gardenβ¦
The bartender tells him, "I used to have a stutter too. Then one day, my wife gave me head, and from that point on I was cured!" The guy gets really excited and runs out the door without ever getting his beer.
The next day, the guy walks back into the bar and says, "O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please."
The bartender asks him, "It didn't work, huh?"
The guy says, "N-n-nope. B-but y-your h-h-house is r-r-really n-n-nice."
I said, Don't cry over skilled milf.
... and asks his wife "Can you get me a beer, before it starts?"
The wife gets the beer and he drinks it in one chug.
He asks his wife again "Can you get me a beer, before it starts?"
Again, the wife gets the beer and he drinks it in one go.
Once more he asks his wife "Can you get me a beer, before it starts?"
At that point the wife says "Are you sure you want another beer? Isn't two enough for the evening?"
The man replies: "aaaand it started."
The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. Why are you referring to it so strangely. We're not at work anymore."
The first scientist goes into the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.
One minute I'm at work looking up
random pages, passing the time, the
next minute I'm at home looking for a new job.
Things are getting very slow and the manager realizes he has to let one of them go but he can't decide. The manager approaches Jill and says "I have to lay you or Jack off".
"Jack off!" snaps Jill "I have a headache".
I just haven't decided which one yet.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.