The Best 95 Work Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Work jokes. There are some work assignments jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these work working blondes puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Work Jokes and Puns
A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on 'Take your kid to work day'
As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong
As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"
'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."
I responded, "How about now?"
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
Forget everything you learned in college...
'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
A woman visits her husband in prison
Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
The officer laughs, saying:
"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"
"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...
.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
Two chemists walk into a bar.
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The firstο»Ώ chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.
My boss pulled up to work today in his brand new Lincoln
As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!" He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."
Sick day.
A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."
He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."
You can explore work supervisor reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean work office dad jokes. There are also work puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Olympic Condoms
A man gets home one day from work and excitedly shows off to his wife that he bought a pack of *Olympic Condoms*.
"What do you say I slip on a gold one and we give it a go?" He asks her with a grin.
She simply responds,
"Why don't you try out the silver and come second for a change"
I work for the world's largest nanotechnology company.
We're not very good.
Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...
...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"
I happily dad joked my fiancΓ©
While on her way to work, she texted me saying she only put deodorant on one side.
To which I replied, "At least you won't smell half bad!"
When I was a kid...
... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.
I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts
Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think
I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home.
I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.
My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
Saw my ex...
On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.
My boss was honest with me today.
He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
Saw a cute girl at work today.
I told her I get off in five minutes and she smiled. Then I said I finish work in one hour and she left.
My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft...
I didn't believe it at first. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields?
I'm not sure about this NFL draft thing.
Chinese Sick Day
Ho Chow calls in to work and say,
"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"
The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later ho Chow calls again and says,
"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"
When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle
Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead
I told my boss I needed a raise to stay at work because there are three different companies showing interest in me...
He asked me which companies and I told him, "The gas, electric, and cable ones"
Why I won't carpool.
I thought about carpooling with some co-workers to work, but the problem is that on the way to the office we have to go through a tunnel. I'm deathly afraid of this situation. Turns out I have carpool tunnel syndrome.
Painted my computer black hoping it would run faster...
Now it just doesn't work.
Star Wars Episode 7-9 Titles Revealed
Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens
Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Sleeps For Five More Minutes
Star Wars Episode IX: The Force Is Late For Work
I work in retail, a married man made me laugh
Me: Hi sir, can I help you?
Him: Nah I'm just looking for my wife
Me: Oh sorry, we don't sell wives here
Him: Good! Else you'd get a lot of returns!
A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor
So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"
I work in a library and a black guy asked me if there are any coloured printers...
I said, "Dude, it's 2016 you can use any printer you want."
I've got a friend who is a structural engineer.
He's always complaining about stress at work.
I painted my computer black so it would run faster.
Now it doesn't work.
Then I painted my computer white so it would work.
Now the whole system is corrupt.
Who says building a border wall won't work?
The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don't have any Mexicans.
A man comes home from work...
A man comes home from work and he finds his wife furious at him.
She screams "Why did you sleep with my sister while you were at work!?"
He replies "Well she was lying on the table, naked, and you know she's an attractive woman, so what did you expect me to do?"
"Perform the autopsy."
My wife came home from work and stormed angrily into the bedroom where I was sat.
"I get the impression you aren't being loyal to me," she said.
"Why?" I frowned.
"You've been very quiet recently. And you're always hanging around with that girl from work, Rachel?"
"Rochelle." coughed a voice from the wardrobe.
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...
My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!
What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.
Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'
Why do riot police like to get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again.
I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.
Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work.
The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.
Boss perv
I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.
Cheer up Hilary!
At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.
A woman is at the park with her son when he starts misbehaving.
She looks at him sternly and says "If you don't stop before I count to 3, we're going home!"
1...
2...
2 and a half...
2 and three quarters...
2 and five sevenths...
Just then a man taps her on the shoulder and hands her his business card. Hi I work for Gabe Newell, co-founder of Valve, and we're looking for a new Vice President. I think you're just what we're looking for. Call me on Monday and we'll talk.
1984 is a great work of literature.
I think all kids should be forced to read it.
A man cheats with his wife's sister
Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!
Wife: You slept with my sister!
Man: When i got to work she was just laying there naked on my table! What was I supposed to do?!
Wife: The autopsy!
PS: Didnt make this up
Why do some couples not go to the gym?
Some relationships don't work out...
Chinese man calls in sick
Ho Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."
The boss says, "You know what Ho, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
I told a girl at work she drew on her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
"No" she sobbed
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
Me: When i donate blood i do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me
Receptionist: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.
My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone.
I said, It's for sound effects during sex.
He asked, Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?
I replied, No, I work in a morgue.
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.
I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work...
...I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I witnessed the break up of an obese couple
I guess they didn't work out.
My Uncle always said "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life!"
He did heroin
Three boys were talking after school...
Three boys were talking after school while waiting for their fathers to pick them up. The first one boasts: "My dad is a Formula One driver. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:15."
The second boy says: "That's nothing. My dad is a jet pilot. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:05!"
The last boy looks at his companions and says: "Pfff.... amateurs! My dad works for the government. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 4:45!"
After work, I volunteer to help blind children
By the way: Verb, not adjective
The man came home early from work to find his wife lying naked on the bed, crying her eyes out.
What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
sobbed.
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gownβ¦
Working at home sucks...
....if you're a firefighter.
Stalin should have known that Communism wouldn't work.
I mean, there were red flags everywhere.
My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size
... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.
A woman gets home from work and hears her husband call out from the bedroom...
Husband: can you come here and help me with this clock?
The woman walks in the room and sees her husband sitting at the edge of their bed with a raging hard-on
Wife: thats not a clock
Husband: it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.
A man stayed late at the pub after work when he got a call from his wife
Wife: "I've cooked your dinner and if you're not back in 10 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog!"
Man: "Hey, it's not his fault!"
I phoned my wife...
...and said "would you like me to pick up fish & chips on the way home from work"
She had just grunted down the phone.
I think she is regretting letting me pick the names for our twins
I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today
He said Dream on. I think that was really nice of him.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Dave: No...
Librarian: One day that will work.
I broke one of my fingers at work today.
On the other hand, everything is OK.
I used Redbull instead of water to brew my coffee today
Got halfway to work, realized I forgot my car.
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific so I said
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
18 year old: Dad I turn 18 today!
Dad: great, I'm taking you the strip club tonight.
18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that.
Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
After 37 years I'm finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I've accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...
...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50
A guy comes home from work and he is clearly upset.
His wife looks concerned and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.
Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.
"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.
"It's . . . nothing," he says. "I can't burden you with my problems. It wouldn't be fair."
"*Your* problems?" the wife says. "We are partners. We face everything together. Your problem is my problem. There is no I, just we. Now please, tell me, what is it?"
"Well," he says, looking up at her glumly. "we got our secretary pregnant and now she's suing us for support."
Locked in her basement
A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months once and used me as her sex slave.
One day I noticed she forgot to lock the door and I thought, "Great, this is my chance!"
So I ran up the stairs and grabbed the phone.
Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went back down to the basement.
Mr. and Mrs. Keaton notice the young man staying next door always kisses his girlfriend every morning before heading to work.
"Why don't you do that?" Mrs.Keaton asks her husband.
"Darling, I don't even know the woman."
Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning
I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.
Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."
Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"
Poodle: "That's not gonna work"
Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"
Poodle: "...No"
Chihuahua: "LIVER ALONE, CHEESE MINE!"
A guy rides his motorcycle through the border from Spain to France every week carrying two bags of sand.
The border guard searched the bags every time, but never found anything, so he had to let him through. The guard has his last day at work before retiring and the guy comes to the border again, carrying his two bags of sand. The guard says "look, man, it's my last day, I'm not going to bust you. You're clearly smuggling *something* across the border all this time but we never find anything, what is it.". The guy says "I'm smuggling motorcycles"
*Phone rings at work*
Boss: Why don't you answer it?
Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.
Boss: ANSWER IT GODDAMMIT!
Me: 911, what's the emergency?
It was so cold this morning I had to use my Tesco discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen
Didn't work though, I only got 10% off.
Soviet Curfew
A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
What did you do that for? he asks.
Curfew violation, the other guard says.
Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!
I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.
A Collie was talking about how hard he works on the farm where he lives.
A nearby sheep piped up 'YOU don't work hard, all you do is boss US around.' 'WHAT DID YOU SAY' shouted the collie. 'You herd me' the sheep replied
Dear Humans,
You get mad at me when I work....You get mad at me when I don't work.
Sincerely,
Confused alarm clock.
My wife complains about constantly being sexually harassed at work
I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office if she doesn't like it
Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it's only Wednesday
When I started dating my communist girlfriend I should have known things wouldn't work outβ¦
So many red flags
A man goes to the police to report sexual harassment in the work place by a group of horny work colleagues.
He's a zoo keeper in the rhino enclosure.
Bob was in trouble
He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Why did it take four people to change the light bulb?
Because many hands make light work.
I tried to work in a circus, but was fired multiple times
It's hard to be a human cannonball!
Not This Time
A man is blessed with four beautiful daughters but he always wanted a son. So he and his wife get to work and they try and try and finally are able to conceive a son. When the son is born, it's one ugly baby. The husband is visibly upset and suspects his wife cheated on him and decides to confront her. "We have 4 beautiful daughters and now look at our son. He is as ugly as can be. I want you to tell me the truth, did you cheat on me." His wife looks at him and says, "No my dear, not this time!"
An anti-vaxxer is sitting at a bar.
He is a couple beers deep when the bartender shouts Free shots for the bar! On that man over there! And he points to a man the anti-vaxxer can't see.
The bartender then proceeds to walk down the bar pouring shots for each patron. When he gets to the anti-vaxxer, the man stops him from pouring the shot and says:
I have had quite a few beers tonight and I need to work tomorrow. I don't want to be hungover. How strong is the liquor?
Bartender: It's 100 proof.
Anti-vaxxer: That's too much proof for me. I'll skip the shot.
Al Gore is in the wrong line of work
Some people's names match their careers surprisingly well. Imagine a psychic named Krystal Ball or a stylist named Barbera Cutter.
But Al Gore is a failure in this regard. He had the perfect opportunity to start a math rock band in the 80s or 90s and just chose to not. It should have been fate.
I personally will never let it go that I'll never hear an album from the math rock legends the Al Gore Rhythms.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the work how government works jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working work drinking at work piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.