work Jokes

funny work jokes and hilarious stories

INTRODUCTION

What are Work jokes? Work jokes are one of the most funny and hilarious. Here is list with the Top 668 work jokes to have fun with friends and family. Most famous jokes about work ever. Funniest work sayings and gags.

Go to table of contents

BEST WORK JOKES

What are the best work jokes? First are the Top 10 Work jokes of all time. They are selected among the best 668 work ever told. Below are some new and well-known jokes.

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

animal stupid

Q: What happens if your dishwasher stops working?
A: You punch her in the face and remind her of her duties.

black humor vulgar women

What do you call a gay scientist? A homo-geneous.

gay puns

Boss comes up to an employee:
"Yesterday you did a great job - in one day you managed to do as much work, as you did in previous month!"
"Thanks boss, that's because Facebook was shut down for the whole day."

Facebook

What was the barristas favourite part about being arrested? The mug shots.

puns

Uber lost over a billion dollars in the last six months so they're asking their drivers to check between the seat cushions.

car money

When there are no volunteers, they get appointed.

Programmers: See one warning, fixes warning. Compiles...
See two errors, fixes errors. Compiles...
See 83 errors, pitches computer.

coding computer IT technology

A man has visited a fortune teller because he wanted to know his future.
The fortune teller has taken a look at him from his head to his toes and has said: "you will be not rich because you have a very small ass and with such an ass it is not possible to sit on two seats."

mean money time vulgar

This executive was interviewing a nervous young blonde women for a position in his company.
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, “If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?”
The blonde quickly responded, “The living one.”

blonde death
Go to table of contents

FUNNY WORK JOKES

What are the funniest work jokes of all time? Laugh with some of the best work funny lines ever said. Here are the rest of all 668 jokes that are about work.

What's the difference between a sidewalk, a drug dealer, and a prostitute? Sidewalks crack doesn't leave an odor!

Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building.
The italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
The chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time im going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death.
That weekend at the funeral, the italian and the chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me."
And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, the blonde replys "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."

Two brothers, Bob and Tom, both work for a lumberyard.
One day, Bob tells Tom that he can tell what any piece of wood is just by smelling it.
Unbelieving, Tom blindfolds Bob and proceeds to test the theory.
The first piece of wood Bob smells, he instantly identifies as maple.
The second piece Bob instantly identifies as walnut.
Tom cannot believe Bob can really do this, so he takes an old piece of wood and whispers to the secretary to rub the wood between her legs. She happily runs it up in her crotch.
Tom hands the piece of wood to Bob.
Bob smells it three times.
"I am stumped. But I would have to guess that this wood is either a pussywillow or a shingle from a shithouse."

My dad used to tell me "always leave them wanting more", which is probably why he lost his job in disaster relief.

Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.

My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn, she asked me to fix her sink 2 hours ago and I'm still fixing her sink.

What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common? They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

Every day after work two blondes would look for their cars together.
Since they could never remember where they parked, they would sit around until all the cars were gone and they could spot their vehicles.
One blonde says "We need to find a faster way to get home."
The next day, they come to work on a donkey.
After work they come out and see a donkey tied to the fence.
"I think we're going to have to wait again, " says the one blonde.
"I'm not convinced that's our donkey."
"Why not?" asks the second blonde.
The first blonde says, "Well, this donkey only has one a**hole, and this morning when we rode in, I distinctly overhead someone say, "Hey look at those two a**holes on that donkey."

I recently heard about a mannequin that lost all of his friends because he was so clothes minded!

When the bank gives my kid a lollipop I take it and eat it because I want him to understand how banks really work.

Q: What do you call a computer expert?
A: A control-alt-elite.

You don't work – you don't have money to live, you work – there's no time to live.

We never knew he was a drunk... until he showed up to work sober.

Employer: "We need someone responsible for the job."
"Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong,everybody said I was responsible."

Why don't men like to drink coffee at work?
It keeps them awake.

Q: How long does it take for a workplace bully to come up with a patentable new invention?
A: It depends: If the designer's desk drawer is locked, about 5 minutes, otherwise, under a minute.

Q: How many white people does it take to clean a toilet?
A: None, that's a nigger's job.

Walk up to a friend at work or school and whisper, "They know." Then quickly walk away. Most people will wrack their brains wondering what they did that people found out about.

So it's the weekend, and I'm on my back patio when I get this idea to call up my coroner friend Bob.
"Bob's not here," his wife says, "he's at work."
"Sheesh!" I think. "Poor guy doing autopsies on a Sunday."
So I call him on his cell.
"What gives, bro,?" I ask.
"Homicide," he says. "The higher-ups need a report ASAP. I'll be starting in just a few minutes."
I Josh Bob a little. "I'll be thinking of you, buddy. Right now, I'm basting barbecue sauce on a rack of baby-backs and I'm getting ready to open a frosty beer."
"Not much different here," he says. "I'm about ready to crack open a cold one myself."

What do you do when you find out Viagra isn't working for you? You go Cialis!

Where does one apply to be a "kept man"?

A poor minister was having trouble managing his church.
The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn't work, and the church didn't have the funds for any repairs.
The minister got a brilliant idea.
He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover.
At the next service, he took out a watch and chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance.
He said, "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate."
They did, and he had the church's roof fixed that week.
This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again.
Taking his watch out, he proclaimed, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate."
They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.
His third Sunday, he got to thinking, "I haven't been paid in a long time. I deserve a little money."
He started swinging his watch again, and he thought, "I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I deserve a lot more."
He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive, that his hands started to sweat and as the watch slipped from his grip, he yelled:
"S**t!"
It took him two weeks to air out the church.

Big inspection on a build site/yard.
The boss tells the workers : what ever happens just act as usual.
The inspection committee were inspecting when a wall just colapses.
-(Worker looking at his watch) : 10:15, just on time

Just got a job as senior director at Old McDonald's Farm. I'm the CIEIO.

It's better to have business with a drunk professional than a sober idiot.

Two croupiers are sitting bored at the roulette of THE CASINO.
Suddenly a very attractive blonde woman enters and bets $20,000 on a roll, saying: "I hope you do not mind, but I feel very lucky when I play naked."
With that, she unbuttons the zipper, takes her dress and underwear off, throw the dice and yells: "Come on baby, mama needs new clothes!"
She looks with agony and as soon as the dice stops, starts jumping up and down screaming: "YES, YES, YES I WON!"
She embraces one to one of the dealers, taking her profits and clothes and disappears.
The guys are looking dumbfounded at each other.
Eventually, one asks: "Did you see what dice she rolled?"
"I do not know, I thought you were watching!"

How do we know that soccer referees are happy? Because they whistle while they work.

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

A man works in the operations department of a large bank.
Employees call him from the field when they have problems with their computers.
One night a blonde woman from a branch bank called him and said, "I've got smoke coming from the back of my computer terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

The artist thought his favourite paint had been stolen, but it was just a pigment of his imagination.

Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be any special problem.
He replied that he paid it back right after his first case.
When asked how he managed that, he said, "Well, my dad sued me for it and won."

How many civil servants does it take to set fire to Guy Fawkes on November 5th?
Twenty, One to strike the match and nineteen to fill in the paper work.

I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.

Gave my co-worker the Heimlich maneuver. Proving once again I'm no good at birthday gifts.

Do not be racist , be like Mario.
He's an italian plumber, made by Japanese people, who speaks english, looks like a mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a jew!

Q: Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them every Monday.

Why do shepherds never learn to count? Because if they did they would always be falling asleep.

A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.

My bed wasn't feeling well this morning, so I had to stay home to take care of it.

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

FRIDAY is my second favorite F word.

What do politicians and porn stars have most in common? They're experts at switching positions in front of camera.

The email server is unable to verify your server connection.
Your message has not been delivered.
Please restart your computer and try sending again.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
Yell at her.

Q: What's the best part about gardening?
A: Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?"
He answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?"
The lawyer answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

How do you know an Asians just robbed your house? Your homework is done and he's still trying to get out with your car.

Most of the people dream of not working and having lots of money. During an economic crisis 50 % of those dreams came true.

Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won't be able to see us.

A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks.
For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect.
It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from Phantom of the opera.
"When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly "we’re going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune."
Finally the day arrived.
Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate.
At the bar, he brought out his trick fly.
On cue, it started moonwalking.
"What about this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender.
In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper The edmonton sun, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe.
"Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere."

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

They call me coffee cause I grind so fine.

Dance Dance Revolution is an intense game but an even more intense to-do list

Every wife should understand one thing: a dinner will taste better if she cooks it less frequently.

A penguin's car breaks down and he has it towed to a repair shop.
The mechanic tells him that he should have some information in about an hour.
The penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street so he wanders over while the mechanic works.
He finds the vanilla is the best ice cream he's ever eaten and he eats it with messy and gluttonous abandon getting it all over his face.
He goes back to the mechanic's to check on his car.
The mechanic informs him, "It looks as though you've blown a seal."
"Oh, no." replies the penguin "It's just some ice cream."

How much did the butcher charge for his venison? A buck!

Stephen Hawking has a great sense of humor. He does One-liners, but not a Stand-up comedy.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber.
"That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic.
The teacher says, “Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?”
The little boy thinks for a moment and says, “NONE!”
The teacher replies, “None, how do you figure that?”
The little boy says, “if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.”
The teacher replies, “Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!”
The little boy then says, “Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?”
The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, “Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.”
To which the little boy replies, “Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!”

A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne.
A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
"Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions."
"What? How could you?"
"Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married.
You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free."
"Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful.
But, tell me, what about the second time?"
"Do you remember that you wanted the position of the, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and the Vice President and they gave you the job."
"Hell, I think I could have done it on my own.
But, then again, I guess I should be grateful.
And so, what about the third time?"
"Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become President of the Baseball Team, and you were missing 53 votes...?"

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.
Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road.
The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box.
It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver,
"but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.

I'm trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot.

If I could meet my brain the first thing I would probably say is: "It was truly and sincerely horrible working with you."

I called in sick this morning on account of diarrhea. My boss told me to get my shit together.

Q: Why are Germans bad cooks?
A: The only good one killed himself.

Alex an Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it.
She was telling him what colour to paint each room.
They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue."
The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" 

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.
The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" 

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan.
The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" 

When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell 'green side up' - what is that for?"
The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Kiwi's laying the turf out front."

Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!

Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Only one, but she has to do it while you're eating dinner.

A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.
The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Food cold!" the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?"
"Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"I quit!" said the man.
"Well," the head monk replied, "I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"

Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.

Q: How many Apple Iphone 6 early adopters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 3001. 1 to do the work and 3000 to go online and bitch about the lack of obscure features!

Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer.
That way, when she goes to get one you'll get a great view of her arse.

At Christmas time, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.
Maybe that's why I'm no longer a fireman.

I always wanted to marry an Archeologist. The older I would get, the more interested she would become!

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

What happens to lacrosse players who go blind? They become referees.

An old man and a young man work together in an office.
The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies.
"Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

Why kill time when you can make it work for you?

What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats? A pimp.

How does a network administrator nerd greet people who come to his house? Welcome to 127.0.0.1

I met the man who invented the windowsill. He's a ledge.

What do I say if a Mexican walks by me and daddy? Say "Here are the tacos."

If something goes wrong at the office, blame the guy who can't speak English...

My resumé is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.

Yo momma is so short, when she went to meet Santa he said, "Go back to work!"

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.
One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like Mr. Plumber?"
A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor.
"Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like Mr. Goodwrench?"
A couple weeks later, the wife found a leak in the roof. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?"
"What do I look like Bob Vila?"
He sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One rainy weekend, the husband realized the leak on the roof was gone.
He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
When his wife returned home, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.
"Wow, did he charge us anything?"
"No, he said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him."
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?"
"Cake? What the hell do I look like Betty Crocker?"

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.
Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?!"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I’m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can’t help practicing my art!"
"That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!" the guy replied.
"I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

Tomorrow is a big day for me at work. They are refilling the snack vending machine.

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.

Hillary Clinton isn't taking the loss very well.
So I said to her, Cheer up!
At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.

Why did the Investigator question the flat iron? To straighten things out.

An old man lived alone in Tasmania.
He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, Jase, who used to help him, was in prison. 
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
 
Dear Jase,
 
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year; I’m just getting to old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad.
 
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
 
Dear Dad,
 
For heaven’s sake, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the BODIES. Love Jase.
 
At 4A.M. the next morning, the Federal Police and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.
 
Dear Dad.
 
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It’s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Jase.

Q: What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet?
A: Lost.

I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.

What do you call a mind reader who can't read minds? A telepathetic.

All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel.
If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites.
Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Heard about the pilot who decided to cook whilst flying? It was a recipe for disaster.

Mother: "Why was the phone busy all night?"
Babysitter: "The fire department put me on hold."

I know an archaeologist who can tell you what period a tampon was from.

I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.

My coworker who believes Jesus Christ was the immaculately conceived son of God who rose from the dead can't believe it's Monday already.

Chuck Norris is so tough, that he doesn't get a workout from the weights,they get a workout from him.

I applied for a job today and they ask for three references. I wrote, "a dictionary, a Thesaurus, and a map."

I was going to be a computer forensics expert, but couldn't hack IT.

Patient: “Doctor, Doctor… I can’t stop stealing things”.
Doctor: “Take these pills for a week. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have a color TV”.

There was a boy and his mother was about to go to work.
She said, "Do not open the door for nobody".
The boy said, "Okay."
So after the mother left a girl came to their house and she said to the boy, "Let me in."
The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow”"
So the girl went to the window and started knocking on it.
Once again she said, "Let me in."
The boy finally gave up and let her in.
So once she got in she said, "Let’s go upstairs."
The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow."
The girl kept asking him so he finally gave up.
When his mama came into his room she said, "Get off that girl."
The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow!"

Sure, I may be slow, but I do lousy work.

There's this blonde.
She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat.
The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets.
She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class.
please move to the back of the plane"
The blonde replies "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job.
I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica"
So the flight attendant, now hot under the collar at the blonde's response, goes to another flight attendant and tells him what happened.
so he goes up to her and asks her to move to the back of the plane.
She then responds "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job.
I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica".
So the two flight attendants are steaming mad and they go to the co-pilot and tells him what is going on.
He comes back to where the blonde is sitting and leans over and whispers something in her ear.
The two flight attendants were astonished when the blonde abruptly got up from her seat and moved to the back of the plane.
They looked at each other and then the co-pilot and asked him what he told her.
The co-pilot, feeling good about himself told them "oh, this happened a while back with someone else.
I just simply told the woman that the front half of the plane wasn't going to Jamaica".

"What are you doing there?"
"I'm making something."
"What are you making?"
"A bomb."
"Can I help?"
"Impossible. It's a nuclear one..."

Hi, I'm a geologist - I was wondering if I could explore your natural resources...

My first job was being a diesel fitter at a pantyhose factory. As they came off the line, I would hold them up and say, "yeah, Deez-el fit her."

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

Glad I'm not a general, because auto-correct just changed "lunch order" to "launch order."

What's the difference between purple and pink? The grip.

When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline.
I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

How did the reporter kill himself? Noosepaper.

All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

In the courtroom where I worked as a court reporter, a dentist was called as a witness.
He took the oath a few feet from my desk, and I noticed his upraised arm was trembling, apparently from nervousness.
After he finished, I couldn't resist saying softly, "Sit down, Doctor. This won't hurt a bit."

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland.
They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.
The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.
When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent."
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly."
"Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."

How do construction workers party? they raise the roof.

What is the difference between a sperm and a lawyer? None, both have one in a million chance to be human beings.

Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?

People always say to do exercise, I do Breathing... Could I be more WORKING!

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

How do rabbits get to work?
By rabbit transit.

This may sound arrogant but I think I could make a better Periodic Table.

My girlfriend always wanted to know the future job of her baby; so the other day when we were making sex suddenly she farted.
I told her: "Your baby will be a bugler."

A camel can work 10 days without drinking, I can drink 10 days without working.

Q: What does a plumber need to know about his job?
A: Sh*t runs downhill and payday is on Friday.

If you think you have shitty job, what if you were toilet paper!

If a fire-fighter's business can go up in smoke, and a plumber's business can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?

My boss just said to me "You've been late five days this week... Do you know what that means?" I certainly do - it's FRIDAY!

I started a company selling landmines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.
He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp.
"This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.
"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now."
He gets his Coke and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."
Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish.
"I wish I'd never have to work again."
Instantly, he was back in his government office.

There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

I'm making a film about emos. I really need to stop saying "cut!" at the end of each scene.

While we were working at a men's clothing store, a customer asked my coworker to help her pick out a tie that would make her husband's blue eyes stand out.
"Ma'am," he explained, "any tie will make blue eyes stand out if you tie it tight enough."

Q: Who makes the best detective - Sherlock Holmes or a tax accountant?
A: The tax accountant - she make's more deductions.

At the age of 17, Chuck Norris was fired from his job in a car factory because he roundhouse-kicked a car in half.

What's the difference between Trump becoming president and a soldier dying in combat? The soldier knew what he signed up for.

A parent's job is basically a daily struggle to help a crazy person stay alive.

The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

YO MAMA IS SO STUPID SHE GOT FIRED FROM A BL*W JOB.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

Swine Flu is the only thing left in Mexico that still does its job.

Why do we laugh at female presidential candidates? Because they're Hillary-ous!

A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, "What do you think is your worst quality?"
The man says "I'm probably too honest."
The boss says, "That's not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality."
The man replies, "I don't give a shttp://unijokes.com/admin/h*t what you think!"

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist? A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.

Black magic...
It doesn't work.

A man walks into his bedroom after work and is surprised to find his wife lying naked on the bed.
After careful examination, he spies a pair of bare feet sticking out from underneath the curtains.
He rips open the blinds to find a naked man standing there.
"Who the hell are you?" he yells.
The naked guy replies, "I'm the moth inspector."
"Oh, yeah? What are you doing naked?"
He looks down and exclaims, "Oh my God, I'm too late!"

There was an employment advertisement in an office.
So a guy went there.
Managrer asked him: "Do you know what is the meaning of Ph.D.?"
The guy answered: "Passed High school with Difficulties."

Signwriters have their work cut out, don't they?

Client: "Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence."
Me: "You mean... the period?"
Client: "I don't care what you designers call it; it is unsightly. Delete it."

When I told my family I wanted to do stand-up comedy all they did was laughing.

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".

My girlfriend asked me for the 7th time in a row for me to smash raw...
She must think I'm made of coat hangers.

Two men were talking about their wives.
First: "I'm a teacher whenever we are in bed my wife says repeat please."
Second: "I'm a driver when we are sexing she thinks I'm in a gas station so she screws my dick and says: 'fill it up super!'"

A road crew supervisor hired a nice-looking blonde woman to assist with painting the yellow line down the middle of the road.
He was skeptical about hiring her, but she appeared enthusiastic and told him that she really needed the job.
He explained to her that her work day would be to complete 2 miles of line on her road, and he set her up with her brushes and paint and got her started.

After the first day, he was pleased to find that she did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in her 8 hour shift.
He told her that she did an excellent job and how pleased he was with her progress.

On the second day, she completed painting 2 miles of road.
Her supervisor was surprised that on day one she had completed twice as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway.
He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure she would pick up her speed again.

On day 3 he was shocked to learn that in her 8 hour shift, she only completed painting 1 mile of road.
He called her into his office and asked her what was the problem, “On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. Can I ask you, what is the problem?”
“Well, she replied, I keep getting farther and farther from the paint can.”

My uncle died in 9-11. He was the greatest pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.

I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

An old seamstress is slowly walking back to her job from lunch, when a flasher jumps out of an alley and opens his coat wide.
The old woman looks him up and down, shakes her head sadly, and says "You call that a lining?"

I discovered that I'd spent an hour walking around a mall with a shoe store's "Feel the Comfort" sticker stuck to my body.
More humiliating?
It was attached to my left breast.

Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you.

If you have worked and didn't get anything, it means someone else got it.

I always give 110%. Oops. Left out the decimal point. I always give 1.10%.

After giving birth, I quit my job.
The exit questionnaire asked, "What steps would have prevented you from leaving?"
My answer: "Birth control."

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture.
"What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed.
"What painter?"
"The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'."
"Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!"
"That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"

I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.

One-seventh of your life is spent on Mondays.

John: "Hey can I borrow some money? I'm broke."
Michael: "Get money from your job."
John: "I got fired."
Michael: "Why?"
John: "My boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside."
Michael: "This is why we are friends."

I'm here for whatever you need me to do from the couch.

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "manager".
The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal doesn't attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting World wide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong.
But many pre-schoolers got several correct answers.
Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most management consultants have the brains of a four-year-old.

Why was the horseman fired from his job of saddle testing?
He was always standing up on the job!

An alcoholic addict just returned home from a rehab and he saw crate of empty bottles sitting at the corner and he goes there grab one and smacknit to the wall and said "you made my wife leave me."
Grab another one and smashes it and said "you made me get fired from work" and grab another one which was full and was about to smash it and he brushes it and said "you were not part of them and open and drink...."

A lawyer has just settled down in his new office.
So now, he is thinking what he can do to have clients.
After a long time thinking, a man comes into the office.
Right away, the lawyer decides to make his new plan take action.
So he picks up the phone and says: "Unfortunately, Ms. Onassis, I cannot undertake your case right now. I am working full time, call me in a month to see if I can help you."
He puts the phone down and says to the waiting man: "How can I help you sir?"
"Nothing really, I am from telephone communications, I just came to connect your phone."

How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they declare darkness to be the new standard.

Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.

What do you call a nigger with a regular job, who doesn’t drive a lowrider, sleeps in the same bed every night, doesn’t collect welfare, and doesn’t rape White women?
An inmate.

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, 
"Some things you just can't explain.
This morning I was outside milking a cow. As soon as the bucket was full the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left foot to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right foot to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milking the cow again he knocked down the bucket with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain."

All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars.
One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray
travel expenses.
In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage.
Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.

I work to buy a car to go to work.

Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils.

Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells.

My son was like "I got a D in my maths" and I was like "That's really bad" and my wife was like "you need to stop doing his homework."

A good rule of thumb is to never hire a magician with a wife with no legs.

I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

My computer's got Miley Virus. It has stopped twerking.

What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? Hand-eye.

There are 2 women getting ready to leave for work.
The brunette gets in the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat.
The brunette says: "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops." As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde:
"So, do you see any cops?"
The blonde replies: "Yes!"
The brunette says: "Are they behind us?"
"Yes!"
"Are they close?"
"Yes!"
"Are they going to stop us?"
"I don't know!"
"Well, are their lights on?"
The blonde replies: "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no...!

I don't think it's possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.

All the people who had candy stolen from them as babies are now the adults buying girl scout cookies outside dispensaries.

If every day is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.

If you get in the mood to do some work, someone will always wake you up.

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. "
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba.
"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

Robert came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', Asked Robert.
'I'm going to Nairobi', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get 4000 a night for what I give you for free!
'Robert said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
Robert said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on 8000 a year!'

At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.

Getting married is like buying a dishwasher.
You'll never have to do it by hand again.

Did you heard about the guy who finally got the job at the tampon factory?
He had to pull a lot of strings to get it.

My annual performance review says I lack "passion & intensity", guess management hasn't seen me alone with a Big Mac.

Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!

I've never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

Today was a terrible day.
My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

Q: How do you kill an emo?
A: You don't you let depression do the work.

Are you a detective? I have some undercover work for you.

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job.

A 21-year-old is hired by a hardware store. He shows up for his first day of work at 8 AM sharp.
The boss welcomes him, then hands him a broom.
"First, sweep out the store. Then I'll show you where the window cleaning equipment is."
"Sir," the young man protests. "You can't be serious. I'm a college graduate."
"Oh, sorry," says the manager, pointing to the broom. "No problem. I can show you how that thing works."

I'm an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.

Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the things only the young can enjoy.

How do you know if a police officer is gay? The smell of his mustache.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here."
Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.
So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him.
So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.
The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!!
I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split."
Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house

What do you call a Russian procrastinator? Putinoff.

After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment.
And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50.

Sometimes late at night in bed, I wonder what life choices do I have to make to be the guy who says 'yeah' in the background of hip-hop songs.

A young lad is sitting at the table doing his homework.
Dad, he says, "What is the difference between 'potentially' & 'realistically'"?
Father scratches his chin, inhales sharply and says,"That's a tough one; it's probably easier to demonstrate.
Go & ask your mother if she would sleep with the milkman for 1 million quid; then ask your sister the same question"
... 2 minutes later, the lad is back. "Dad, they both said for 1 million quid...? Definitely!"
Well son, says the old man, "There is your answer; potentially, we are sitting on 2 million quid; realistically, we are living with a pair of slags..!

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9- Iron".
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked!
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3-wood."
The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom - tons of cash come sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures, Why not? After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay. With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

Chuck Norris wins every political campaign, but politely declines the jobs.

Yo mama so fat that when she works out too long she starts sweating cooking oil.

The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from
boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance.
"Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy."
Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap.
When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again.
Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." "I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening."
So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep.
He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him.
"What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once.
You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?"
"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss.
"Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?"

An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels.
He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn't prove it.
He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin.
Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load.
On every occasion, there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip.
On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath.
Nothing.
He could never find anything amiss.

After a few months of this, the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned.
A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On an impulse, the auditor went up to him and said, "Look, I've left the company, I'm not interested in taking it any further and I won't stop you, but I just have to know. What were you taking?"
And the bloke said "Tarpaulins."

Q: What does a dentist do on a roller coaster?
A: He braces himself.

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants - one of which would get the job.
The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York.
A nice young man, but a bit timid.
Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!"
Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself.
"He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him.
He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know. 
Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education."
Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?" 
"Oh," replied Jim " at Yale."
"That's very good, excellent. You're hired! Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?"
Jim answered "I don't care. Yimi or Mr. Yonson."

I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.

I always wanted to learn to procrastinate... just never got around to it.

A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room.
In walks a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry.
"I am Gina the Great," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!"
With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish.
Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need."
With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next. "I wish I were rich and retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well-groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts."
With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.
"Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady.
The charge nurse said, "I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."

The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.

Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation.
Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

A father went to take his daughter from school.
While waiting, he heard her talking with a classmate of hers "I worry so much-..! My dad works 16 hours a day so he can build a dream house for when I grow up. My mom spends her days cooking for me, making deserts and tiding my room so I can have fun. I worry. I’m so worried!"
"With that kind of parents you have nothing to worry about," her friend told her.
"Yeah, but what if... What if they... What if they... ESCAPE?"

If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.

Chuck Norris does Rachel Marron's work.

How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

A man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house like he used to.
When the examination was complete, he said "Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man.
"Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

I got fired from Yankee candle factory because I refused to work wick ends!

My new girlfriend works at the Zoo. I think she is a keeper.

Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.

I forgot my coffee this morning so I'm gonna drive on the rumble strips along the side of the road all the way to work just to be safe.

I used to build stairs for a living, it's an up and down business.

What do you call a rabbit who works in a bakery?
A yeaster bunny.

My wife hired a fact checker for when we argue.

My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job.
I'm still employed.
I just can't remember where.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

Stress is caused by giving a fuck.

Q: Why did the astronaut retire?
A: He got spaced out!

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says.
They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throats and says, "Bad food."
They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him in for his two words.
"I quit," he says.
"That's not surprising," the elders say.
"You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

A builder was once building a fence to surround a farmer's sheep.
The builder finished, and the farmer was ready to pay.
The builder then came up to the farmer and said: "Sir, I hope this isn't too a-fenc-ive.

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 33, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

The girls in my local strip club are so good with computers they do lap top dancing.

"I thought, Miss Smith, that you wanted yesterday afternoon off because you were seeing your dentist?"
"That's right, Sir."
"So how come I saw you coming out of the movie theatre with a friend?"
"That was my dentist."

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It's a whisk I was willing to take.

what do black people and bicycles have in common?
They only work with a chain on.

A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities.
I called several hotels, with no luck.
Finally, I thought I had found one.
I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room.
"No," she replied, "but we have a lobby and you can wait there."

I have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly...

Q: Famous last words of a bomb disposal expert?
A: "Yes, the red wire."

If The Weekend canceled his tour, would it be next Weekend, the Weekend after next or three Weekends from this Saturday?

A woman asks an agriculturalist: "Please, tell me what shall I do? I have a garden but nothing grows there, like flowers or vegetables."
The agriculturalist says: "You know, it is to dung the garden with a good fertilizer."
The woman says: "And wouldn´t it be better to plant the vegetables directly into the ass?"

I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I'm still employed. I just can't remember where.

Interviewer: "Why do you want this job?"
Me: "I've just always been very passionate about not starving to death."

Where do fish work? The offish.

Q: What did the butcher say when he backed into the meat-grinder?
A: Looks like I'm getting a little behind in my work!

2 girls meet:
"Me & my husband are no longer together..."
"Why?"
"Well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?"
"No, of course I couldn't!"
"Well he couldn't either!"

42 percent of statistics are made up!

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone.
"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".
"It's worse than that", he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"

The next time you have company, serve them a bowl of shelled peanuts. After they've eaten a few handfuls, casually mention that you've never liked peanuts, but you love to suck the chocolate off of them.

God tried to make everyone different. He got bored by the time he got to China.

"Mommy," Little Johnny asked, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"
"No, dear," she replied. "Sometimes they start with 'Darling, I'll be working late at the office tonight...'"

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack.
His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.
At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off.

Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one.
Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive.
At 8:55 Mary walks into the office.
"I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to Lay You or Jack off."
"Oh? jack-off," Mary says, "I've got a headache."

There is no dance without the dancers.

There's a rumor that Steve Jobs, has been a Buddhist, has been reincarnated as a factory worker on a sweatshop assembly line in China.

I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, " ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge.

I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation.
Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

There's no 'I' in team, but there is a 'U' in suck.

Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing.
St. Peter greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”
St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”

Secret to success is to know who to blame for your failures.

Q: How many Accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What sort of answer did you have in mind?
A: None - just assume it's changed.

Just had a date with a woman who welds for a living and oh my, were the sparks flying.

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We've never met before, right?

How did Ben Franklin feel about discovering electricity? He was shocked!

Boss: "This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?"
Me: "That it's only Wednesday."

There is no I in Team, but there's always one big A... if you know what I mean.

There's no wine holder on this vacuum cleaner.
It's like it wasn't even designed for women.
How can I be expected to work under these conditions?

Q: Why did the butcher get fired from his job?
A: He was caught beating his meat.

Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant?
A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.

My dear old grandmother always used to say the way to a man's heart was through his stomach, which is why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach ad say "Congrats!".
But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".

Moral: Hard work is never appreciated, only result matters...

I can't get enough minimalism.

Life is scary; at least the salary is funny.

Q: Why was the blonde late for work?
A: She was stranded on the broken escalator.

I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words… "Were you fired?"

I hated my job at the fireworks factory, I got fired a lot.

What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.

Doctor: "You need to stop masturbating."
Patient: "Why?"
Doctor: "Because I would like to start the exam."

Three guys begin work at a toothbrush company as salesmen.
Each day, two of the guys sell twenty toothbrushes each, and the third guy consistently sells two hundred.
The other two guys are jealous, but they can't figure out his secret.
Then, one day, they run into him at the mall, where he's set up a tobacco dip sample table.
"This is your secret?" says the first guy.
"Try some dip," says the third.
They both take a little bit o' dip.
"Ech!" says the second guy.
"This tastes like s**t!"
"It is s**t. Would you like to buy a toothbrush?"

I came here to do 2 things: work on my math skills.

Your way sounds super safe and rational. Let's do it my way.

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.

A man who is concerned about his wife cheating on him wants to catch her in the act.
He doesn’t have enough money to hire a PI, so he goes to a pet shop.
There he asks the clerk if he has a parrot for sale.
The clerk shows him the last parrot he has: “This is the last parrot I have for sale. He doesn’t have any legs, but he is very smart.”
The man asks, “If he doesn’t have any legs, how does he stay on the perch?”
“He holds on with his dick.” the clerk answered.
The man asks ” How much?”
“Since he doesn’t have any legs, I’ll sell him to you for fifty bucks.”

The suspicious man purchases the talking bird and takes him home.
He sets up the cage in his bedroom where he can see everything; he then instructs the parrot to watch what ever goes on in the room and inform him when he gets home from work.

So the next morning he leaves for work and his wife stays home, as usual.
When the man gets home from work, as his wife is cooking supper, he asks the parrot to tell him what went on during the day.
The parrot begins, “At eight o’clock this morning the mailman came….”
Interrupting the man asks, “Yeah and what happened?”
“he came in the house…”
Furiously, the man asked “And then”
“…and then he came into the bedroom…”
Astounded the man impatiently asks, “What happened next?”
“He began to take off his clothes and she hers…” “What happened after that!”
The parrot then replied, “I don’t know I sprung a boner and fell off!”

Little Johnny was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the called Little Johnny's teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in class?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four."

I got a part in a movie called "Cocaine". I only have one line.

Coworker: Can you help me with this project?
Me: The short answer is no.
Coworker: What's the long answer?
Me: Nooooooo.

My dad used to say "Always fight fire with fire." Probably explains why he was thrown out of the Fire Service.

I have given up on my stand up comedy routines. Everybody just keeps laughing at me.

I always knew that I could never be a lawyer because of my inability to pass a bar.

When plumbers sleep do they have pipe dreams?

I got lost in your eyes. But I also get lost in most department stores, so I wouldn't read too much into it.

Yo' Mama is so poor, her tv only has two channels: on and not working.

I think without doubt the best job in Iraq, would have to be Foreign Ambassador...

Q: What is the difference between a rooster and a whore?
A: The rooster goes cock doodle do and the whore goes any cock do!

A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Warming up your dinner."

Me: "You said dress for the job you want." Boss: "Give me my clothes back."

Gilding the lily is a job seeker's birthright.
Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed:
- to be a former CEO of the company to which he was applying.
- to be fluent in two languages—one of which was pig Latin.
- to be a Nobel Prize winner.
- to have worked in a jail when he was really in there serving time.
- he was fired "on accident."

Q: What deodorant do SEO consultants wear?
A: Lynx

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. 
Dave said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" 

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT!
NO hangover!
NO bad side effects.
Nothing! 
Then the phone rings.
It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Dave says, "I feel great, how about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Dave says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." 
"Yeah, well there's just one thing."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No."
"Well, DON'T! 'Cause I'm in Perth!"

A young man decided after 4 years of working nonstop at a decent paying job and saving the bulk of his earnings that perhaps it was time to settle down.
He called up an old girlfriend from his high school days and she answered on the first ring.
As they spoke and reminisced about old times she said to him "Wow, this has been great, I've really enjoyed speaking with you, but I must ask, where on earth did you find my number?"
To which he replied "Honestly? I'm just as surprised as you are, I have been working as a jani tor in our old high school and just happened to see your number etched into the door of a boys bathroom stall! I'm amazed you still have the same number after all these years!"
And she responded "Well, how else was I supposed to keep in touch with all the boys I used to sleep with?"

Before I buy a leaf blower I want to make sure I understand the rules. We just blow the leaves at each other's houses, right?

How long have I been working for this company? Ever since they threatened to fire me.

I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.

It seemed that the son of a Spanish lawyer graduated from college and was considering the future.
He went to his father, who had a very large office, and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner where he could observe his father's activities.
He could be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk.
This way, he could decide on whether or not to become a lawyer.
His father thought this to be a splendid idea, and this arrangement was set up immediately.
On his son's first day at work, the first client in the morning was a rough-hewn man with calloused hands, in workman's attire, who began the conversation as follows: "Mr. Lawyer, I work for some people named Gonzales who have a ranch on the east side of town.
For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows.
I have raised, the cows, tended them, fed them, and it has always been my understanding and belief that I was the owner of the cows.
Mr. Gonzales died and his son has inherited the farm, and he believes that since the cows were raised on his ranch and fed on his hay, the cows are his.
In short, we have a dispute as to the ownership of the cows." The lawyer said, "I have heard enough.
I will take your case.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" After the tenant farmer left, the next client came in.
A young, well-dressed man, clearly a member of the landed class.
"My name is Gonzales.
I own a farm on the east side of the town," he said.
"For many years, a tenant farmer has worked for my family tending the crops and animals, including some cows.
The cows have been raised on my land and fed on my hay, and I believe that they belong to me, but the tenant farmer believes that since he raised them and cared for them, they are his.
In short, we have a dispute over ownership of the cows."
"I heard enough. I'll take your case.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"
After the client left, the son came over to his father with a look of concern.
"My father, I know nothing of the law, but it seems to me that we have a serious problem regarding these cows."
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" said the lawyer. "The cows will be ours!"

Q: Why did the gay man get fired from his job at the sperm bank?
A: Drinking on the job.

A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She called the police immediately to report the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch.
The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder.
She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.
"What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer.
The blonde replied, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a blind policeman!"

Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane? Because it was overbooked.

What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium then you curium and you barium.

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day.
The first guy says to the second.
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps.
He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding.
Again, the second guy misses him.
The first guy falls again and bounces back up.
This time, he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

What does a mathematician say when something goes wrong? Figures!

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion. I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

I had a job tying sausages together, but I couldn't make ends meet.

On the day of my big job interview I woke up late.
Frantically I threw on a suit.
"OH NO!" I thought. "MY TIE! My Dad was out of town and wasn't there to help me, and for the life of me, I did not know how to tie a tie!"
I grabbed a tie and ran out the door.
"Excuse me sir," I said to the crossing guard, "I have an important job interview, can you please help me make this tie?!"
"Sure," said the guard, "just lie down on this bench."
Well if someone was going to help me I wasn't going to ask any questions.
After he finished and the tie looked good I just had to ask why I had to lie down.
"Well in my previous job I learned how to tie ties on other people when they were lying down." he replied.
"What was your previous job?" I asked incredulously.
"I ran a morgue." was the reply.

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.
The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?" The bird said, "You know."

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.

I think this generation will have to go into separate rooms and text each other to work out their problems.

A tomato walks into work and a potato says:
"Hello, Tomatoe..."
He responds: "My name is not Tomatoe, it's just Tomato. How would you like it if I called you "Potatoe"?
"Well, that would just be weird because my name is Rick!"

Going apple picking would be cool if you don't know grocery stores exist.

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

The young accounting graduate, fresh out of uni and knowing everything, applied for his first job.
The prospective employer asked him what starting salary he was looking for.
"Oh, around $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
"Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 22.5% superannuation, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, home telephone reimbursed and a company car replaced every 20,000 kilometers, say a Mercedes convertible."
The graduate sat up straight and tried not to look excited.
"Wow. Are you kidding?"
"Yeah. But you started it."

I had a job selling security alarms door to door and I was really good at it. If no one was home I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.

Hardest job in the world: police sketch artist in China.

Where is the best place to hide a nigger's food stamps?
Under his work boots.

Two dogs are walking along a street. They are passed by a third dog driving a lorry load of logs. One turns to the other and says: "He started fetching a stick and built up the business from there."

Two guys always catch the train to work together; one is French, the other Italian.
Every morning when the French guy gets on, he passes his fingers underneath his nose while sniffing and says "Aaahhh... Fifi!"
He does this every day, so the Italian guy says to him one morning, "Why do you do that and say 'Aaahhh... Fifi!'?"
The French man explaines that Fifi is his wife, and he fingers her every morning and it reminds him of her all day.
The next morning, the French guy gets on the trains and sniffs his fingers saying, "Fifi!"
Then the Italian guy gets on and runs his whole arm under his nose and says, "Aaahhh... Maria!"

Q: What did the constipated mathematician do?
A: He worked it out with a pencil!

How do you make a fire with two sticks? Make sure one of them is a match!

What have a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery driver got in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it.

How did the chemist who failed the temperature test get? Absolute zero.

Believe it or not, but when you're living alone a clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into a glass. Just wanted to make that clear.

At work, a blonde notices her that cubicle mate has a thermos.
She asks him what it's for, and he responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
The blonde immediately buys one.
The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.
Her cube mate asks, "What do you have in it?"
The blonde says, "Soup and ice cream."

Lawyers really aren't so bad, it's just ninety-nine percent of lawyers that make the rest look bad.

Just finished building the deepest well in England. Got the plans wrong way round, started work on the tallest lighthouse.

Client: "The blue looks OK, but it would be great if it was a little more orange. Like "blorange."

Don't worry laundry, it's Friday night and nobody is doing me either.

You have to be flexible to work here. On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles.

Yo mamma so stupid when she went to the library to get an application for a library card they said: "I need your ID" she gave them an EBT card.

If you were a TSA agent, I would be happy to get a body scan.

Why are niggers like sperm?
Only 1 in a Million actually works .

The sales chief, the HR chief, and the boss are on their way to lunch around the corner.
They detour through an alley and stumble on a beat up but valuable looking brass container.
The sales chief picks it up and starts cleaning it with his handkerchief.
Suddenly, a genie emerges out of a curtain of purple smoke.
The genie is grateful to be set free and offers them each a wish.
The HR chief is wide-eyed and ecstatic.
She says, "I want to be living on a beautiful beach in Jamaica with a sailboat and enough money to make me happy for the rest of my life."
Poof! She disappears.
The sales chief says, "Wow! I want to be happily married to a wealthy supermodel with penthouses in New York, Paris, and Hong Kong."
Presto, he vanishes.
"And how about you?" asks the Genie, looking at the boss.
The boss scowls and says, "I want both those idiots back in the office by 2 PM."

Moral: Always let your boss speak first.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Q:What's the most dangerous job in America?
A: The graveyard shift at a KFC in the projects.

Why are niggers like sperm?
Only 1 in a Million actually works.

There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

Sure boss, I'd love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I'd start lying to my wife.

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops?
A: So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed.
The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain.
They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane.
They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".
The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".
The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

I took a day off from work to play golf. I was on the fourth hole, when I discovered a small frog sitting on the green.
I paid it no attention until I heard, "Ribbit. 9-iron."
That's curious, I thought, but decided to trust the frog.
I pulled out a 9-iron and sunk a hole-in-one.
Amazed, I picked up the frog and asked where we should go next.
"Ribbit. Vegas."
We went to Vegas, and I asked the frog what we should do first.
"Ribbit. Roulette."
We went up to the roulette table, and I won big.
I took my earnings and got the best room in the hotel.
I asked the frog if there was anything I could do to repay it.
"Ribbit. Kiss me."
I figured, what the hell, and I kissed the frog.
It turned into a 15-year-old girl.
That's how she ended up in my room, your Honor, and if I'm lying, my name's not R. Kelly.
Tweet Share

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.
The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?"
So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incredible!," says his friend.
"Medical science is amazing."
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.
Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
"Incredible!," says his friend.
"Medical science is amazing!"
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.
Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him.
He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday."
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

Sometimes, when I'm cruising the city in a $200K vehicle, I lean back and think, "If the bus driver doesn't speed up I'll be late for work."

I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in hello!

Once there was a bartender who claimed he was the strongest man on earth, he could squeeze every drop of juice out of a lemon and he bet $10,000 that no one could squeeze anymore out of a lemon he has squeezed

People came in from all over the country, body builders, weight lifters, wrestlers, or anyone that wanted to try.
But no one could squeeze anymore juice out of the lemons.
Then one day a little nerdy looking guy walks in and everyone laughs at him when they hear he is there to try to squeeze a lemon.
So the bartender squeezes a lemon into a cup an hands him what is left over.
Then the guy squeezes out 6 more drops of juice, and everyone is amazed!
"What do you do for a living?" they would ask, "Are you a weight lifter, a body builder?"
"No", he replied. "I work for the IRS."

3 dads bragging about their children's success gets a surprise when a 4th dad tells them this!
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually, he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for"?
One of the three said: "We were talking abo ut the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!"

Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.

Why are black people & vending machines the same?
Because they both don't work & they both steal your money.

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay. They quickly arrested me.

Work emails are like the gym.
You sign up for it thinking it will be loads of fun.
You get bored of it within hours.
You only keep going to keep up your reputation.
The more you stay away, the harder it is to go back.

Two liars were talking together:
First: "My father built 1550 miles of 101 freeway in west of US lonely in one night."
Second: "That is nothing but I've been born from my mother's ass."
First: "It's impossible. I do'nt believe you."
Second: "Shut up. I've believed your 1550 miles distance but why you don't believe my only 4 inches length?"

Q:Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm the school bell.
A: Take These tablets and if they don't work give me a ring in the morning.

What are a blonde's first words after graduating college? "Would you like fries with that?"

I start every conversation with my employees by saying, "I shouldn't be telling you this" just so I know they will listen.

The Dilbert Principle: The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: Management.

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see."
She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

Morning is the time when everyone is jealous of unemployed.

Los Angeles Homeless...
Homeless people here are different.
You ever notice that?
Our homeless people are serious, man.
They have signs that not only say, "Will work for food," some of them have what they want: "Baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet potato pie, sour chives."

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

Yo mama so ugly when she auditioned for a horror movie they sent her to a professional!

Don't be irreplaceable - if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Yo mamas so ugly when Bob the builder saw her he said "Oh cannot fix that."

While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set.
"If you get your train," I told him, "your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?"
The boy became very quiet.
So, moving the conversation along, I asked, "What else would you like Santa to bring you?"
He promptly replied, "Another train."

When they get you, they have their own little signature, like Gucci or something like that.
When you walk down the street, girls will walk by, and they'll say, "Oh, that's Gladys' work, ain't it?"

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

I'm rubber and you're glue. She's tape. He's a stapler. Those guys are paper clips. All my friends are office supplies.

I like a big, strong, hardworking man, a man who wakes up early in the morning eager to work hard.
I'm talking day-in and day-out just working and sweating and sweating and working, and when it's all over, he showers and goes to his job.

Me (at work): "I think I'm having a heart attack."
My boss: "Do that on your own time!"

A little boy was pushing a heavy cart uphill with a lot of effort.
The work was very tiring, so someone walking nearby felt pity and helped the little boy push the heavy cart until the end of the hill.
He stopped indignant there and told to the child:
"You should say to your boss that it is a shame to make a kid such hard work to do."
"I told them, sir."
"Well, what did they reply?"
"Pull kid and some sucker will be there to help you."

I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning. She said, "How do you know he was on his way to work?"

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

A large construction company sent a party in charge of finding workers all over the world in the very rural areas.
They sucessfully obtained a dozen men and decided to fly them back to the construction site immidately.
The men were very excited and could only speak of doin the job.
Suddenly the piolot flying the plane encountered some difficulties and very safely landed the plane in the desert.
Unknowingly to the men they thought they reached on the site, so they opened the door and all they could see was sand all around.
Then one of the men shouted out in fear, "Let`s get the f**k out of here before the cement comes."

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it- I mean it! As soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
10. Listen to the other side.
11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.
13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile.
16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
25. Lie face down on the floor and scream at the top of your lungs.
26. Leap up and write the paper.
27. Type the paper.
28. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write the paper.

I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that 2017 is the year people will think at least twice before hitting Reply All.

I made voodoo dolls of my dogs just so I could still rub their bellies while I'm at work.

Recently I heard about a vampire that was so mathematically challenged that he couldn't count Dracula!

Nurse: "Doctor why is there a thermometer behind your ear?
Doctor: "Damn! Some asshole must have my pen!"

One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp.
(Oh, c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.)
Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out.
So he rubbed the lamp and - oh, surprise out popped a genie.
The genie asked, as genies will, "What is your first wish?"
The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, "I would like to be rich!"
So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.
Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, "My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!"
And poof, he was there.
Then the government worker or, as I like to call him, civil servant decided on his third wish, "I don't want to do any work ever again!" and poof ubiquitous ironic twist he was back in his office.

I ordered a foot-long sandwich from a take-out restaurant and asked the clerk to cut it into fourths.
"I'm sorry, I can't," she said. "I already cut it in half."

I am a virtuous woman, that's why I cost more!

How many police officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just beat the room for being black.

The reward for a job well done is more work.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.
She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street.
At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load."
He ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."

The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys.
The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished.
The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note.
The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.

The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another £5.00 note.
Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin."
At this stage the priest decides to take action.
"Tommy," he says, "that’s twice you’ve called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?"
"Yes," says the kid, "a tight cunt."

The only qualification for working at an airline is making a confused face at a monitor.

Obama and his generals in the Pentagon discussed, and they could not agree on, what is the best time for the assault on Russia.
Finally, they decide to ask the French: "When is it best to invade Russia?"
The French answered: "We do not know, but certainly not in the winter, it would go wrong for sure."
Therefore, it would probably be better to ask the Germans: "When is it best to invade Russia?"
The Germans answer: "We do not know, but it certainly would not be in the summer. We have tried, already..."
What to do?
Someone proposes to ask China that is progressive and always comes up with a new idea.
So they asked the Chinese, "When is the best time to invade Russia?"
The Chinese replies: "Right now!"
Russia began to build "The Strength of Siberia" pipeline, "Turkish stream", The Spaceport "Vostochny", The Bridge to the Crimea, and in the near future they will modernize the BAM, they are building new sports complexes for the World Cup in football and athletics, they are planning oil extraction in the Arctic...
Right now they do need a lot of POW as work force.

I hate that feeling after surgery when you're not sure if you're awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

Two firemen are butt fucking in a smoked filled room.
The fire chief walks in and says "what are you doing?"
Give this man mouth to mouth then one of the firemen says:
"I did how do you think all this shit got started..."

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.

Old man O'Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.
The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow O'Malley of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell.
When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."
She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"
"Knowing Brian O'Malley as well as I did, I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."

Before starting to stand up comedy I used to think I'll die of hunger. Now, I'm quite sure about it.

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls.
She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results, put on two coats".

I need some band-aids I'm getting cut from all this working out.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a carpenter? A carpenter can cover up the holes he screws.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"
The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.

Laziness is when a person doesn't fake that he's working.

There was this Mexican guy, Black guy, and Asian guy all working for the same construction company.
At the beginning of the day the boss calls a meeting with them about today's work.
They were all pretty new, so they had to be assigned jobs 
He says to the Mexican guy, "You're in charge of the cement." 
He says to the Black guy, "You're in charge of the dirt." 
He says to the Asian guy, "You're in charge of the supplies." 
After delegating out all the responsibilities he says, "I'm gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you're all fired."
The boss was quite serious and had a reputation for being shrewd.
They immediately get to work. 
At the end of the day, the boss comes back and checks on their work.
He looks at the big pile of cement and says, "Nice work," to the Mexican guy.
He looks at the big pile of dirt and says, "Nice work," to the Black guy.
He looks around and can't find the Asian guy anywhere so he asks, "Where the heck is that Asian guy?" 
All of a sudden, the Asian jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

Rita is complaining to her friends about her husband's extreme dedication to his new job.
You see, Rita's husband has been jobless for quite a while.
She tells her friends, "I appreciate the fact that at last he's found a new job, but I don't like him taking his work home and finishing it in our bedroom."
"Why, what's his new job?"
"He's an embalmer."

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest.

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

There are three kinds of accountants in the world.
Those who can count and those who can't.

How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.

We can copy any document for you. We do not require the original.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

The device will work much better, if you turn it on.

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says, "One".
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65 ".
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

At this point in my life, my resume's "special skills" section just says: "pronounces Massachusetts towns" and "can nap on planes."

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way. I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

You must work at subway...cause you're givin' me a foot long.

Q: Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks?
A: Professional courtesy.

I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
Please be prepared for my mood.

Snooki is so short and orange that she works part time as a traffic cone.

Why can't fishermen be generous? Because their business makes them sell fish!

Chuck Norris asked his script writer for more dialogue and the script writer said "Chuck you mean more grunting?"

Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”
The woman replies: “It’s Frank, the midget.”

A guy dials his home phone number from work.
A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don’t have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm…she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming.
He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she’s with."
The maid puts down the phone.
The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What pool?”"
"Uh.. is this 832-4173?"

A manufacturing plant was in full swing one day.
The company's massive machine was humming along, taking in the raw materials at one end and churning out the finished product at the other.
All of a sudden, the machine stopped and ground to a halt.
Workers climbed all over it like ants to get it started again.
The plant's manager stormed out of his office to find out why his multi-million- dollar machine wasn't making him any money.
He listened to his people saying they couldn't figure it out, and he told them to call a technician. 

Soon a tech arrived, and the manager frantically explained to him that he needed his machine back as soon as possible.
The technician listened patiently, took one look at the massive hulk of motionless metal, and immediately walked over to a small panel, opening a tiny door inside to see a screw.
The technician took a screwdriver and turned the screw one-quarter turn to the right, and the machine suddenly came back to life as if nothing was wrong.
The manager hurried over to thank the technician, shook his hand, and asked what he owed him for saving his company. 
The technician answered, "$100,000.00".
The manager looked at him and said, "You were here less than two minutes and just turned one screw. How can you charge so much? Give me an itemised bill." 
The technician calmly wrote out on a piece of paper: 
-Turning of one screw: $1.00. 
-Knowing which screw to turn: $99,999.00.

I just got this sick job at the Calendar factory. Unfortunately, I still can't get a date.

What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks!

The best present is the present made by your own slaves.

My gay friend got fired from the sperm bank because they caught him drinking on the job.

Here is an actual list of aircraft problems reported by pilots at the end of the day for the mechanics to fix before takeoff the next day followed by the notes the mechanics left for the pilots to read the next morning.

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

Q: What's the difference between a working white man and a working black man?
A: The White man is working legally.

Innkeeper: "The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed."
Guest: "I'll make my own bed."
Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."

Chuck Norris once went logging and took down a forest.
Then he came back for his axe.

My boss touched me inappropriately at work today. It's okay though, I'm self-employed.

Why won't women make good Carpenters? Because men have been saying this much is a foot for years.

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

What do a dentist and a tennis coach have in common? They both use drills!

Dear alma mater, please don't send wealth management workshop invites to those of us who majored in creative writing.

I use artificial sweetener at work. I add it to everything I say to my boss.

Q: What do you call a women who does as much work as a man?
A: A lazy b*tch.

The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.

Q: How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hmmm... I'll just do a few numbers and get back to you.

As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer.
He gave the world Stonehenge.

Q: What does an SEO and part-time chiropractor work on?
A: Your bad backlinks.

Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

If the koreans cannot do it, they will tell you that they won do it.

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

A man on a business trip to Las Vegas heard about how good the Las Vegas prostitutes were so on his first night there, he decided he would go out and try his luck.
He walked outside his hotel and looked up and down the street and saw an attractive girl standing on the corner.
He approached her and asked her if she is working tonight and sure enough she said "Meet me in room 804 across the street."
He was in luck.
She was a knockout.
They got to the room and he sat down anxiously on the edge of the bed.
She asked him what he wanted and he thought for a second, then said "How much for a hand job?" She said, "300".
His eyes popped open and he asked "300?"
She said, "Walk over to that window and open the curtains".
He proceeded.
"See that motel down there? I own it, and I didn't inherit it. I'm that good."
He was like, "well go right ahead honey".
So she proceeded to give him the best hand job he ever had.

After a little rest he thought, if that was that good..."How much for a blow job?"
She said "600". OH MY GOD! was his reply.
She told him to walk back over to the window.
"See that 15 story hotel?
I own it and I didnt inherit it. I'm that good."
He said "Well get to work then sweetie."
And sure enough he got the best blow job he ever received.

After a little "rebuilding" time he thought, if that was that good... "How much for sex?"
She chuckled and said, "Honey, I'd own this whole damned town if only I had a pussy."

A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills.

The plumber told me a hole boring story about pipes.

Why did the snowman's daughter become a stripper? Because he was so cold to her.

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower.
"There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I’m in the shower. Send him in."

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That’s nice and all, ma’am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds."

Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.

During a break on a North Dakota office building project, one of the construction workers approached Pyle.
"Ah heard the boys is gonna strike," he said.
"What fer?" asked Pyle.
"Shorter hours."
"Good fer them!" said the redneck.
"Ah always did think sixty minutes was too long fer an hour!"

Working at a Hospital is the worst cause you can't call in sick. You: "Yeah, I can't come in today, I'm sick." Boss: "Come on in, we'll check you out."

Scene: A radio newsroom.
Caller: "I just wanted to let you know you're off the air."
Host: "Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it."
Caller: "It would be nice if you put something on the air that says that."

I once dated a mime. I hope I left her with a good impression.

Did you hear about the depressed plumber? He's been going through some shit.

I'd pat my own back but my ego is too busy shaking my hand.

Chuck Norris can paint himself into a corner and still get the job done.

During a conversation regarding new potential Johny's job:
"Johny, tell us and what is your weak feature?"
Johny: "Openness!"
Interviewer: "But the openness isn't a weak feature!"
Johny: "Ok, but I fuck what you think!"

She just wanted to make her friend jealous and accidentally made a porno.

My boss is in the process of filling an open manager position.
I asked him to please hire a man because women are crazy.
He agreed with me.
I got upset that he agreed.
I'm pretty sure I unintentionally proved my point.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

A man walks into work with two black eyes.
His boss asks what happened.
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services.
He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.
The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off.
The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

Someone going to work sees a crowd of people walking.
Looking at the beginning of course, he sees a coffin behind a gentleman with a little dog followed by the crowd.
Approaching the owner and he asks him:
"What happened here, man?"
"Pff, my mother-in-law died," he said.
"Hush how sad eh… And, if allowed, how?"
"My dog bit her…"
"You don't tell me! Could you lend him to me just for tonight?"
"Get in line!"

There were two security guards who worked on opposite shifts, but looked after the same building.
Over a period of a year, the night shift security guard noticed that his opposite was putting on weight.
So one evening at shift change, the night shift security guard says to the day shift security guard "Hey buddy, you aint half gettin fat".
To which the day shift guard replies "Yeah, that's because every time I shag your wife she gives me a chocolate biscuit".

Jimmy is calling Sergey, who he met at an international conference.
Jimmy: "Hi, I've hear there is minus 54 degrees Celsius."
Sergey: "Nonsense, not even minus 15!"
Jimmy: "But on CNN, they've just shown a thermometer..."
Sergey: "Ohh, ok, maybe outside."

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don't think she'd be a good secret agent.

Dear ladies, if you want to have more free time and have fun on the weekends, teach your men fishing!

The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.

One day a women walks into work in a short skirt.
As she’s walking to her desk she gets stopped by a co-worker, who says,
“Your hair smells really nice today.”
She grimaces and stomps into her manager’s office.
She says,”I want to file a sexual harassment complaint!” and then relates what happened.
The manager says, “What’s wrong with him complimenting how your hair smells?”
Furious, she snarls, “He’s a midget!”

Remember, it's not what you do... it's what you get away with.

God gave man his penis and his brain but blood only enough to work one another at a time.

One day a miserable toothbrush sits down and says, "Sometimes I feel I have the worst job in the world."
Then the toilet paper yells, "Think again buddy!"

A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets; Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings, we're on the trucks. From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make passionate love."
The next night, the fireman comes home from work and yells, "Bell 1!" His wife takes off her clothes.
"Bell 2," and his wife jumps into bed.
"Bell 3," and they began to make love.
After two minutes, his wife yells, "Bell 4!"
"What's Bell 4?" the husband asks.
"More hose," she replies, "you're nowhere near the fire!"

Excuse me? Do you work at Little Ceasars? Cuz Ur Hot And I'm Ready.

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "£100 and it's yours."

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace.
He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet.
Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat.
He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"
She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub.
She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub."
He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

A wife goes on a retreat for work.
When she returns, she finds a pair of panties in her dresser that do not belong to her.
Furious, she questions her husband.
The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry!"
So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her.
Indignant, the maid replies, "Madam, how should I know? These panties don't belong to me. I don't even wear panties just ask your husband!"

Chuck Norris doesn't run for President; the President runs for Vice God Chuck Norris.

What do you call a Mexican without a lawn mower?
Unemployed.

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding together on a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says:
"In Russia, we have the best vodka in the world - nowhere in the world, you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."
Saying this, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it.
All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, unwraps one, lights it, and begins to smoke, saying:
"In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere else in the world produces such a fine cigar, and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..."
Saying that he opens the window and throws the pack of Havanas through it.
Once again, everybody is quite impressed.
At this point, the American stands up silently, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it.

If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.

I'm trying to date a philosophy professor, but she doesn't even know if I exist or not.

I once worked as a salesman and was very independent; I took orders from no one.

Measure twice, cut five times, curse profusely, punch a wall, give up, call a professional.

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work,
“I have great news for you.
Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”

Chuck Norris wanted more dialogue for his next movie.
It was too short for release.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

What's the difference between God and a Doctor? God knows he's not a Doctor!

If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.

Dad: "Who do you think the committee screwed this year?"
Me: "Mom."

A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers.
He rushes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."
"But I don't have the fingers!"
"Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor.
"Doc, I couldn't pick them up."

Well, just told the Starbucks barista my name is "No War in Syria". I know it's not much, but I hope it helps.

One day Mrs. Smith went to have a talk with the minister at thelocal church.
"Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this needle with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Smith is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Smith dozed off.
Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.
"And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the needle.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Smith," said the minister.
Soon, Mr.Smith nodded off again.
Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Smith.
"God!" Mr. Smith cried out as he was stuck again with the needle.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Mr.Smith again winked off.
However, this time the minister did not notice.
As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Smith mistook as signals to prod her husband with the needle again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Smith poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your a***s!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.

A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.
He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!"
The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally, he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Sydney, and sees an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more.
"Can you give me some more details on this job?" he asks the clerk. 
The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the women ready for the gynaecological consult. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the examination. There's an annual salary of $75,000, but you're going to have to go to Perth - other side of the country." 
The man says "Oh is that where the job is?"
The clerk says "No sir. That's where the end of the line is right now."

They called him the king of the dentists because he specialized in crowns.

Two doctors opened an office in a small town.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."
But is was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"
None worked.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."
APPROVED!

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

90% of programmer errors come from data from other programmers.

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.
He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself.
He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.
''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''
''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''

Q: Who was the first accountant?
A: Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.

What's the difference between a mechanic and a doctor? A mechanic fixes his mistakes... A doctor buries his.

I used to work at a fire hydrant factory couldn't park nowhere near the place.

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket.
The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.
The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"
Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"
The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

Q: What's the difference between a cook and a gay?
A: The cook stirs today's lunch, whereas the gay stirs yesterday's dinner.

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? One. They are efficient and don't have humor.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

In my experience there's two ways to get things done, the right way and the drunk way.

Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
To the first, he asked, "What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?"
"I was a nurse in an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children."
"Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter."
And in through the gates she went.

To the next, he asked the same question: "So what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God's love."
"How touching," said St. Peter. "You too may enter." And in she went.

He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you do back on Earth?"
After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO."
St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Okay, you may enter also."
"Whew!" said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren't going to let me in."
"Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three days..."

Success is like pregnancy.
Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

God created earth and heaven, the rest was made in China.

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

Welcome to the accounting department, where everybody counts.

The man who discovered copper died penniless.

A white guy walks into a bar and asked a black guy for a bl*w job.
The black guy beat him up and threw him out of the bar.
The bartender then asked, "What did he say to you?
The black guy responded I don't know all I heard is something about a job!!

Why shouldn't you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.

Do you know why women aren't allowed in space?
To avoid scenarios like: "Houston, we have a problem!"
"What is the problem?"
"Yeah, great, pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about!"

So, after beating the crap out of the nerdy kid in my class who always gets things right, I returned to the front of the classroom and resumed teaching.

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it.
The next day, the Grandfather died.
A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."
The next day the grandmother died.
Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.
One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers.
"God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."
This nearly gave the father a heart attack.
He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic.
He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
Finally after midnight he went home.
He was still alive!
When he got home he appologised to his wife.
"I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
"You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled,
"The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
St. Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.
He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years."
St Peter consults his list.
He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

If Chuck Norris ever opened a restaurant, the only thing on the menu would be knuckle sandwiches and eye of roundhouse steaks.

A man comes home alone from work.
Suddenly he hears this voice saying: "Now its time to quit your job, sell your house, take your money and go to Las Vegas."
He doesn't pay much attention to it but after a week hearing the same voice, he thinks ok!
He quits his job, sells his house, withdraws all his money and goes to Vegas.
The moment he steps out of the plane the voice tells him "Find the nearest casino!"
He enters a casino and the voice says: " Go to the roulette-table and put all your money on 17 black!
He complies and the croupier spins the wheel and says "Rien ne va plus"
21 RED!
And then the voice goes "Damn!"

How has Jesse Jackson lost the vote of most niggers?
He promised to create jobs for them if elected.

Anyone who wanted to sell fish had to get permission from grandpa. He was known as the cod father.

Old librarians never die, they just lose their references.

While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes.
The woman asked, "Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?"

What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!

Q: When do accountants laugh out loud?
A: When somebody asks for a raise.

I was going to be an optometrist, but couldn't see things clearly.

How many retirees to change a light bulb? Only one, but it might take all day.

The was a man named George who got a new job.
His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday.
They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning.
George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00.
He golfed right handed and won the round.
Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again.
He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round.
This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.
They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are.
Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win.
What is up with that?''
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy.
Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife.
If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed.
If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 10 minutes late.''

My girlfriend told me she wanted to be treated like a princess. So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove into a wall.

I'm not trying to boss you around just do what I say.

A skilled nurse died and arrived before St. Peter, who explained, "We have this little policy of allowing you to choose whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell."
"How do I know which to choose?" She asked.
"That's easy," said St. Peter. "you have to spend a day in each place before making a decision."
With that, he put the nurse on an elevator and sent her down to hell.
The elevator doors opened and the nurse found herself in a sunny garden, where many former friends and colleagues warmly greeted her.
She had a great time all day laughing and talking about old times.
That night, she had an excellent supper in a fantastic restaurant.
She even met the devil, who turned out to be a pretty nice guy.
Before she knew it, her day in hell was over and she returned to heaven.
The day in heaven was okay.
She lounged around on clouds, sang, and played the harp.
At the end of the day, St. Peter came and asked for her decision. "Well, heaven was great and all," the nurse said, "but I had abetter time in hell. I know it sounds strange, but I choose hell."
With that, she got in the elevator and went back down.
When the doors opened, she saw a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.
Her friends, dressed in rags, were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks.
When the devil walked over, she said to him, "I don't understand. Yesterday, this place was beautiful. We had a delicious meal and a wonderful time laughing and talking."
The devil smiled and said, "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you're staff."

Yo' Mama is so poor, my jack-o-lantern gets better dental work then she does.

Heard about the drug addict fisherman who accidentally caught a duck? Now he's hooked on the quack.

Thank you for your email.
Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

Chuck Norris had his first job as a paperboy.
"There were no survivors."

I'm not a stalker, I'm just an unpaid private investigator.

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.”
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, “you protect the public.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you serve the justice system.”
The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Q: What do u call a police officer that works in bed?
A: A undercover cop.

It doesn't matter how much you work, there will always be an asshole that works less but gets more.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Cletus Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has a thermos.
He asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
Cletus was amazed and when he got home immediately went out and bought one.
The next day he goes to work and is proud that he has this wonderful object.
The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, "What do you have in it?"
He says, "Soup and ice cream!"

Being an ugly girl is like being a man... you have to work.

Josi frequently attends his church Bingo club, where every week a gag doorprize is given out.
One week, Josi is presented with a toilet brush.
"What the hell is this?" he asks the pastor.
"Why, it's a toilet brush."
"Ooh, I see," says Josi.
A couple weeks later, the pastor jokingly asks Josi how the brush is working.
"Well, it's okay, but I think I'll go back to using paper."

To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!

If you can go to the gym without telling people on the Internet, you are instantly hired by the CIA.

Guy goes every day to the same diner, looks over the menu, and always orders the same thing: ham and eggs.
Every day, the same thing: ham and eggs.
Waitress decides to play a trick on him and scratches it from the menu.
He comes in, she says, "You know that thing you like so much? I scratched it."
"Well, wash off your hand and get me some ham and eggs."

Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.

I opened Outlook Calendar at work today. It looked like a bad game of Tetris.

An old man was accounting manager in a company.
Every day when he was coming to office, at his desk, he was opening the drawer, seeing something in it very carefully, then he was closing the drawer back.
After twenty years of work at the same position, one day he died.
After his funeral, his colleagues came to his office to check out what was in his drawer, they opened the drawer, in a piece of paper very bold it was written "Debit Left, Credit Right"

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out “green side up!”
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled “green side up!”
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled “green side up!”
The lady then asked him, “Why do you keep yelling ‘green side up’?”
“I’m sorry,” came the reply. “But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

If homework goes too easy you are doing it wrong.

Little Johnny asks his mum, "Mum, do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time in a faraway land'?" 
"No darling," says his mother, somewhat distressed, "Sometimes, they can begin with 'I've got too much work in the office tonight, I'll come home later'."

Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled while she was on her menstrual cycle? They say she had a mean flow.

Currently the flower business is blooming.

I got so fed up with trick or treaters at Halloween that in the end I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in.
Forget the ships.
My lighthouse, my rules...

Librarians may be shy, but their patrons aren't.
Look at their oddball requests:
A patron offered me $100 to steal a cactus from somebody's yard.
A patron wanted me to find a book to teach her dog german.
A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck.
A patron once asked me for my home phone number so she could call me with reference questions when I wasn't at work.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard.
The wife finds a leak in the roof.
She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed.
So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

When is a field hockey player like a judge? When she sits on the bench.

Yo mama so stupid, she thought Ewoks were just Homeless Care Bears on drugs.

Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work.
I don't understand, Cindy complained.
When people find out I'm a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me.
Why would they do that?
Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, Maybe it just saves time.

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started Writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a ****-head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care.
We came into town by bus.

Workplaces are like septic tanks: All the biggest lumps eventually rise to the top.

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed.
Some get away.
They are called astronauts.

One day, Hitler decided to test out the skills of several prisoners in Treblinka.
As the first test, he had his soldiers bring him out the three prisoners, then line them up before him.
"How high can you jump?" he asks the first one.
"About 1 meter," answers the prisoner.
Hitler nodded before turning to his soldier.
"Take this one back to work, but give him 1 kilogram of rye bread."
After the soldier did as he was told, Hitler stood before the second prisoner.
"How high can you jump?" he asks again.
After a moment of thinking, the prisoner says.
"Two meters, if I really try."
Hitler nodded before turning to his soldier again.
"Take this one back to work too, but give him two kilograms of rye bread."
Observing this, the third prisoner did the maths and hatched a plan.
Finally, Hitler stood face to face with him.
"How high can you jump?" he asked him at last prisoner.
"My most illustrious Führer, I can jump 5 meters!" said the prisoner as a smug grin bloomed on his face.
Hitler frowned before turning to his soldier.
"Tell me, Walter: how tall are the walls around the camp?"
"Three meters, my Führer!" cried the soldier.
Hitler nodded again before turning to the last prisoner.
"In that case, shoot this one: he may become a problem in the future."

Poor Mac was having a bad time finding work. He was very overweight and it seemed to turn employers away. rnrnFinally, he found a job driving the tour bus on the Sesame Street studio. He was instructed to ask the names of the boarding passengers so he could personally address them as he gave the spoken tour while driving.rnrnIt was his first day. He sat patiently at the stop waiting for his passengers when he watched a huge fat lady waddle up to the bus. He asked her name as she boarded, and she responded Patty. Welcome aboard, Patty. Have a seat and we will be off soon. rnrnHe was startled when and equally large fellow approached. Again, he asked the name and the response was Patty O'Brien with a thick Irish brogue. Welcome aboard, Patty. Have a seat and we will be off soon. rnrnJust after the two Pattys had selected their seats, a shy looking small boy came up and asked if he could go. Sure son, come on in. What's your name? The boy responded Ross. It sounded like Ross might have some special problem but he seemed OK. rnrnThere were not many others around, so Mac was thinking he might not have anyone else join in. He was about to drive off when a creepy fellow came running up and asked to go along. Sure, come on in. We are about to go. What's your name? Lester was the response. Have a seat Lester. We are just about to go.rnrnAs he drove off to begin the tour, he glanced in the mirror to look at the passengers. Lester had removed his shoe and was picking at something on his foot. The vision made Big Mac laugh so hard he had to stop for a minute. rnrnHe was thinking who would believe this? Here I am with two big Pattys, a special Ross, and a creep named Lester picking bunions on a Sesame Street Bus?

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald.
He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant.
"I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first worry."

How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four.
One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.

Q: Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet?
A: Because they can't stop saving their work.

Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?

I used to work at a company called 69, my friend took over my position.

A deer hunter just messed up another hunt.
This happened to him more times than he could count.
He would spot a buck, aim, fire and miss.
He would sneak up close just to get busted and watch the deer run away.
He would sneeze just as the buck came into range.
He would fall asleep on the stand, waking in time to watch a giant buck scamper away.
Frustrated, he complained to his hunting buddies.
"Everything that happens to guys that don't know how to hunt keeps happening to me!" he said.

One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday – eight hours.

How many mexicans does it take to build...
Oh shit, They're done!

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work.

In my village, it is not usual, ordinary, even normal that somebody would go to work.
Even though there is one person in our village who goes to work on a regular basis.
In the morning when he goes to work the whole village accompanies him, men, women, children, grannies and grandpas and in the evening when he goes back from work the whole village welcomes him back.
We all are smiling at him and we are waving at him with the bunches of purple lilac flowers for example during this period of time, April, May.

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.
One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.
His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, um, she got fired, too."

If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled "Beauty and the Beast" you shouldn't ask her which one is which.

I got fired as an estate agent the other day. It was for selling the wrong type of semi.

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

A young job applicant was being interviewed for an entry-level position.
His prospective boss asked, "Are you a smoker?"
"Not even a little," said the young man.
"How about alcoholic beverages?"
"Never touch 'em," he replied.
The boss smiled and asked, "So you spend a lot of time with girls?"
The applicant said, "No, not really."
"So you don't have any vices?"
"Well, I do have one," he admitted.
"And what would that be?" the boss asked.
"I tell lies."

What are the 3 things you cannot give a black guy?
A fat lip, a black eye, or a job.

Q: What is the difference between your cock, and your bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.

A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.

Just gonna have a quick nap because I heard you can sleep your way to the top.

Why do people become butchers? So they can meat people.

The best way to keep a job is to work at it!

Salary is like a period – you wait for it a whole month and it ends in a week.

Why did the prostitute retire? She screwed up!

Neil Armstrong's only regret while he was alive was that he forgot to take a selfie on the moon.

Q: Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A: Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls.

Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.

Go to table of contents

ABOUT

What are Work jokes about? Work is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about work.

Are Work jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring work joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also view work jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with work jokes on YouTube.

Go to table of contents

CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best work jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 668 jokes about work. Most of the jokes are suitable for kids, children or teens boys and girls. You must supervise your chidlren not to read jokes for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty work jokes to your kids.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Find jokes will make you cry in laughter. Some of these work jokes will make her, him laugh. Find and save jokes to tell your friends. Have fun and dig deeper into our jokes archive.

Can I save Work jokes? You can do this from Joko Jokes iOS app. It is available for free download from App Store. Bookmark jokes so we ca rank them by how many bookmarks every joke has. Every bookmark increase its position in Joko Jokes' rankings.

Where to read Work jokes? Save any joke to your bookmarks for futher reference. Read any Work joke from Bookmarks. You can do this from Joko Jokes - funny jokes daily iPhone app.

How to share Work joke? You are free to share every Work joke found on Joko Jokes. Share it on Facebook, Twitter or by email and have fun with friends and family.

Browse a lot of Work books and funny books with jokes about Work on Amazon.

Go to table of contents

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Part 1
Introduction

Part 2
Best Work jokes
Top 10 work jokes

Part 3
Funny Work jokes

Part 4
About

Part 5
Conclusion

Part 6
Jokes
Work jokes

JokoJokes