Words To Ponder Jokes

There's a poem contest in South Carolina.

It's down to two contestants...one Harvard grad and one old r**... from the Low Country. They each have 5 minutes to come up with a poem, but they have to use the word "Timbuktu" in the poem to win. The Harvard grad goes first.
"Swiftly cross the desert sands,
Strode a lonely caravan.
One by one on camels drew,
Destination: Timbuktu."
The crowd goes crazy, thinking there's no way the r**... can top that. He walks to the mic, spits out his w**... of tabacco, ponders a second and says:
"Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three w**... in a pop-up tent.
They was three and we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."

Custody Battle

Husband and wife are fighting in divorce court for the custody of their child.
The judge asked the mother to make her case as to why she deserves to have custody.
The mother puts on a passionate plea and shocks everyone in the court room. When she is done the judge turns to the father and says "she makes a compelling case and doesn't look like your getting the child but I must give you a chance to speak"
Father knows he is s**... as he is standing up to make his statement, being nervous by putting his hand in his pocket. All of a sudden he feels a coin in his pocket knowing that he is s**... out of child custody as well as the family equity... pondering over and finally speaking the words "Your honor, if i put this coin in a pop machine and a pop comes out does the pop belong to me or the vending machine?".
Judge says to the father "you get custody"

Anything you want.

Bob is to the point where he's feeling good, but still a beer or so away from drunk. As he's contemplating his navel, a young woman sidles up next to him and starts blowing into his ear. At first he's taken aback, and tries to brush her away. But then he takes a good look at her and realizes she is the most beautiful women he's seen in quite a long while. "What'cha blowin' in my ear for, young miss?" "Just trying to get your attention, good sir" she whispers. "What'cha want?" "I want to do something for you" she says, in a VERY s**... voice. "Oh really?" he replies. "Oh yes" she says. "Anything at all?" he asks. "Anything at all, any fantasy you can think of" she replies. "And it'll only cost you $100". And then she quickly goes on to add "But you have to tell me in three words or less". "$100 you say. And anything at all?" "That's right, anything at all.". So he ponders a minute or so, and then three distinct words issue forth from his mouth "Paint... my... house."

There was this man who had a dog.
Every Sunday morning at 4:30 AM the man and the dog would go fishing.
One day, the man fell in love and got married.
After the wedding, when the man and the woman got in bed together, the man turned to the woman.
"Tomorrow is Sunday and every Sunday morning, me and my dog go fishing at 4:30 AM. We'd like you to come along."
"And what if I don't want to come along?" the woman asked impatiently.
"Well then, sweetie, we'll just have to have buttsex."
With that, the man rolled over and fell asleep, and left the woman pondering.
"God, I hate having the buttsex, but I also hate getting up so early. I'll have to think about this more."
In the morning, the woman could hear the man going downstairs to get the dog.
It was much too early for the woman to get up so she decided to wait for the inevitable buttsex.
She waited for about half an hour and fell back asleep, thinking her husband had left already.
She awoke to the man, pulling on her arm.
"Have you made your decision?" he asked
"Yes," she replied. "I do not want to go fishing."
True to his word, the man pulled down his pants.
"By the way, what took you so long to come upstairs? It usually doesn't take that long to get Sparky up."
"I know," the man said. "He didn't want to go either."