word Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious word puns

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

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A man in an interrogation room says I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present.

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?

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The word asparagus is funny.

It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.

I'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke.

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When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

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A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room

He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

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Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

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I've often heard that "icy" is the easiest word to spell

Looking at it now, I see why

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Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence

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I just discovered that the word 'nothing' is a palindrome...

Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing.

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TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP

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At a funeral

Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: *clears throat* "Plethora."
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

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I don't understand why white people can't say the N word

We invented it after all

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People often say "icy" is the easiest word to spell.

Looking at it now, i see why.

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A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...

A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
No, not at all, she replies.
The man stands and clears his throat.
Bargain", he says, and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."

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Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

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The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton'

which also means nothing

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Why do The Brit's still use 'u' in words like colour and armour ?

Because Rick Astley is British.

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Wordplay is fun.

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.

"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.

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I invented a new word.

Plagiarism.

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EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you.

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The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers)

Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"

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The only "b" word a girl should be called is beautiful

Bitches love being called beautiful

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An etymologist, an entomologist, and an etiologist walk into a bar.

"What'll it be?" The bartender asks.

"I'll have a beer," the etymologist says. "A word which comes from Latin *bibere*, meaning "to drink".

"I'll have an Americano," the entomologist says. "It was originally dyed with crushed beetles!"

The bartender gets them their drinks. "And for you, sir?" he asks the third man.

"I'm just wondering how I got here," the etiologist replies.

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I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray painted on his front window.

"What's been going on John?"' I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

Dirty bastard.

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Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him?

Poetry!

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A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.

Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains...

"If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she ain't good enough for me!!"

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To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you..

You have my Word.

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This girl said she would go out with me if I knew a six letter word that's a synonym for "calm".

I said, "It's sedate."

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Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you...

You have my word

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Guys, I think my girlfriend might be a psychic.

Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her.
And she answered, "What's up, sexy?" Before I even said a word!

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All of my friends told me that 'icy' is the easiest word to spell. And after looking at it...

**I see why.**

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I just invented a new word:

plagiarism.

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I've just made up a word...

Plagiarism.

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What does the word 'gay' mean?

asked a son to his father.

"It means 'happy,'" replied the father.

"Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?"

"No, son, I have a *wife.*"

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Who ever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in trouble.