Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Word? Well here is a complete list of Word dad jokes:
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?
It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.
I'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke.
...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."
"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.
"Exactly, so where's my present?"
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
Looking at it now, I see why
But to others, it's a whole sentence
Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing.
A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
You have my word
plagiarism.
asked a son to his father.
"It means 'happy,'" replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?"
"No, son, I have a *wife.*"
You have my Word.
Ask them to pronounce the word, "unionized".
Bob had broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick - How you doing?
Bob - Fine. Hey will you do me a favor... go upstairs and get me my slippers. My feet are fuckin freezin.
Mick goes up and sees Bob's hot 21 year old twin sisters lying on the bed.
He tells 'em - Your brother sent me up to have sex with both of you.
They say "Prove it."
Mick shouts "Bob... both of them?"
Bob shouts back "Of course!! Whats the point of fuckin one?"
S: "My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter"
T: "No, no, that's 'Sent to meet her'. Okay, try another one. Use 'contagious' in a sentence please"
S: "I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!"
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class .
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word "penis" again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, and each day the word was larger than the day before.
Finally, one day she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets ! "
..I will find you. You have my Word.
---
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why???
Everyone knows... You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!
Just ask them to read this word: unionized.
You have my word
The doctor looks at him for a minute and asks if he is sure. The man says yes, he's thought about it for some time and thinks its time to get it done. The doctor says alright, it's your body.
After the procedure, the man wakes up and the doctor comes over for a chat. He tells the man that while he was down there, he threw in a free circumcision.
Circumcision! the man exclaims. That's the word I was looking for.
Plagiarism.
...that contains the word "contagious."
Amy stands up and says "Last week my mummy had the flu. It was contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Then Becky stands up and says "a long time ago the Bubonic Plague affected a lot of Europe and because it was very contagious a lot of people died." "Very good," says the teacher. "One more?"
Little Johnny then stands up and says "my next door neighbour recently started painting his house with a two-inch brush. My Daddy says it'll take the contagious."
For those of you who have a hard time understanding what the word "dilemma" means, let me give you an example.
You're lying in the middle of a kingsize bed, with on your left side the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. She's naked, and she really wants to have sex with you. On your right side, however, lies a horny as fuck gay dude. Who are you going to turn your back on? *That*'s a dilemma.
Someone told me this one today. Hopefully, it's not a repost.
A kindergarten teacher asks her class, "who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
A little girl raises her hand and says, "the sky is definitely blue."
The teacher says, "sorry Susie, but the sky can also be red at sunset and black at night."
A little boy says, "trees are definitely green."
The teacher says, "sorry, but trees change colors in the fall."
Johnny stands up suddenly and blurts out, "does a fart have lumps?"
Horrified, the teacher exclaims, "Johnny, of course not!"
Johnny sits back down and says, "ok, then I've definitely shit my pants."
The pope arrives in new york and is getting into his limo when he pauses and asks the driver if he could drive. The driver says of course, you are the pope who am I to tell you no. So the pope is driving around New York with his driver in the back. It's been far too long since since he's been behind the wheel and his driving shows it. His eyes are old and can't see very well, he's swerving in and out of his lane. Inevitably he ends up getting pulled over. The cop comes up to the car sees who's driving and without saying a word slowly turns and walks back to his cruiser. He goes to his partner and says "we've got an extremely important person in the limo." his partner replies "who is it, the mayor?" "Bigger" the cop says. "what like the governor?" "BIGGER" the cop replies again. "It isn't the president, is it?" "I don't know who's in the back, but whoever it is has the fucking pope driving them around!"
Plagiarism.
You go on ahead. I'll give these two a lift.
Strange way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
but its more stupid backwards
Yell "BINGO!"
The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."
The poll was a total failure.
The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Europeans did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of the world".
You have my Word.
she said I was always trying to put words into her mouth.
So it's 2004 and the War in Iraq is raging on.
President Bush calls Sec. Rumsfeld into the Oval Office to discuss the campaign.
Rumsfeld begins by saying, "Sir, there have been no American deaths today. But we do have word that 3 Brazillian soldiers were killed."
Much Rumsfeld's surprise, President Bush begins crying and banging his hands on the desk in the office.
Rumsfeld says, "Sir, what's wrong?"
Bush replies under his heavy sobs, "Exactly how many is a Brazillian?"
A male prisoner promised a female guard that he would marry her if she helped him escape. This is an example of someone using a proposition to end a sentence with.
She replied: Well i like it infrequently.
He said: is that one word or two?
A boy and his dad are walking through the streets
boy: "What does the word drunk mean?"
dad: "Well, for example, do you see those two policemen over there? if you were drunk you would think there are four policemen over there."
boy: "But dad there is only one policeman over there!"
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat
dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
Pharmacist at counter: " just one condom? You sure?"
Guy: "actually, my girlfriend's sister is pretty hot...lets make it two condoms."
Pharmacist: "just two then? That's it?"
Guy: "let's make it three. The mom is really hot too."
That night he goes to dinner and her whole family is there. He sits at the table not saying a word, his face red as a tomato. His girlfriend takes him in the bedroom after they eat.
Girlfriend: "what's wrong with you? You didn't say a word all night. Did something happen?"
Guy: "no, I just didn't know your dad worked at the pharmacy."
"Dad, what's a preposition?"
"A preposition is a word that you never, ever end a sentence with."
They were three and five years old, and had just decided that they wanted to say a swear word for the first time that morning. The older brother hatched out a plan, "When we walk downstairs, I'll say the word 'hell' in a sentence, and you say the word 'ass'." Once the giggling and excitement waned, they descended to the kitchen, where their mother was about to prepare breakfast.
"What would you like for breakfast, sweetheart?" she asked the elder brother.
"Aw hell, mom, I think I'll have some Cheerios."
THWACK "What did you say?!?" she slapped him so hard he fell to the ground, crying hysterically. "Go to your room, young man, you'll get no breakfast!"
Still enraged, she turned toward the three year-old, "And what will YOU have for breakfast??"
"I don't know, mom, but you bet your sweet ass it won't be Cheerios!"
-"Every time I say something, you say the word addicted"
-"ok"
-"Drugs"
-"Addicted"
-"Alcohol"
-"Addicted"
-"What slapped you across the face last night? "
" Addicted"
While they were playing in their fort one of the boys accidentally stepped in the redneck cousin's finger. The redneck cousin said OW MOTHERFUCKER GET OFF MY FINGER!
The two boys had never heard that word before and asked about it. Redneck cousin explained that was the cool adult word that everyone was using. Delighted with their new word they merrily played through the night and went to bed late.
The next morning Dad is making breakfast and the first little boy drifts into the kitchen.
"What do you want for breakfast?" Dad asked.
"I want some motherfucking pancakes!", The first boy exclaimed. Dad smacks the little boy and admonishes him for swearing and sends him back into his room.
The second boy goes into the kitchen and Dad again asks what is wanted for breakfast. "I want some motherfucking pancakes!", the second boy said. He also gets whacked and sent back to his room, crying.
Redneck Cousin comes into the kitchen and Dad once again asks what is desired for breakfast.
Redneck Cousin says "I don't know, but I sure as HELL don't want any motherfucking pancakes!"
So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.
Foreplay
The first one says "I'm the toughest sumbitch in the land! One time a rattlesnake bit me, so grabbed it and bit it straight back!" The next cowboy said "That aint nothin'! Last year I fought twelve men over a rock to use as a pillow!" The third one doesn't say a word. He just sits there, poking the fire with his penis
You've red some of the best word jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about word. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty word gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !
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