Woods Jokes
144 woods jokes and hilarious woods puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about woods that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
From the classic musical Into The Woods, to basketball superstar Charlie Woods, these Woods jokes are sure to get you laughing. Whether you like your greens found on a golf course, or on a grove trail, these twig jokes will have you in stitches.
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Funniest Woods Short Jokes
Short woods jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The woods humour may include short forest jokes also.
- Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword" He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.
- I can cut a piece of wood in half by only looking at it It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
- Just got scammed out of $15. Bought tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.
- My Grandfather built me a car entirely out of wood It had wooden seats, wooden doors, wooden steering wheel, wooden floors and a wooden engine. Unfortunately when I tried to start it, it wooden work.
- I phoned the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said ", are they moving?"
I replied "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase." - The room is 15$ a night. Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night.
It's $5 if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood. - A kid and a clown are walking through the woods. The kid looks around and says, "man these woods sure are scary"
The clown replies, "you're telling me I have to walk out of here alone." - Ive been looking all day for a good carpentry pun. Unfortunately, nothing I saw wood work.
- THAT'S NOT FUNNY, THAT'S SICK! A clown and a little boy are walking through the woods. The boy says "it sure is dark and scary here". The clown says "how do you think I feel? I'm coming back alone".
- Two girls play in the park, one takes wood stick and says: "my dad's is this big". The other one says: "My dad's is smaller, but it still hurts..."
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Woods One Liners
Which woods one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with woods? I can suggest the ones about wright and wolf.
- A lion would never drive while drunk. But a tiger wood.
- A lion would never cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood
- What ruined Tiger Woods' golf career? His driving game.
- Why do wood carvings take so long? Because they have to be done whittle by whittle.
- My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish He had a horrible death but a lovely finish
- A cannibal passed his brother in the woods.
- What kind of wood makes the best chairs? Cherry wood.
- My girlfriend is like a good carpenter No wood gets wasted
- My favorite pornstar died last night. I woke up today with mourning wood.
- GUESS WHAT I SAW! Wood.
- When did pinocchio find out he was made of wood? When his hand caught fire.
- A cannibal passed his friend in the woods.
- Boss told me to glue 2 pieces of wood together Totally nailed it
- My favorite tree died earlier. Now I have mourning wood.
- How far can you run into the woods? Half way - after that, you're running out
Tiger Woods Jokes
Here is a list of funny tiger woods jokes and even better tiger woods puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The worst part about Tiger Wood's driving is that it's probably going to add to his handicap.
- What is the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods? One of them has a good driver.
- Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? A: Santa stops after three hos.
- I'm not a professional caddy or anything.... but I think Tiger Woods probably should've used a driver.
- Why did Tiger Woods bring three socks instead of two? In case he got a hole in one.
- What is Tiger Woods' spirit animal? Idk, but his wife said he was a Cheetah
- What is the best thing about Tiger Woods' arrest? A black man in America finally survived a traffic stop. Progress!
- What's the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac? Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 100 yards without hitting a tree.
- Tiger Woods was arrested for DUI... he was three shots over.
- Bought the book: Tiger Woods best 18 holes. I was incredibly disappointed when I found out it was about golf.
Tiger Woods Dui Jokes
Here is a list of funny tiger woods dui jokes and even better tiger woods dui puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm not surprised Tiger Woods to get arrested for a DUI... ...he hasn't been driving straight since 2009.
- Why has it taken so long for the cops to catch Tiger Woods for DUI? He hasn't been able to drive straight for at least five years
- Why did Tiger Woods get a DUI? Because his driver was off.
Into The Woods Jokes
Here is a list of funny into the woods jokes and even better into the woods puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If a tree falls in the woods, and there are no English majors around to hear it... does is lay on the ground, or lie?
- Lost three toes in a wood-chopping accident and my girlfriend dumped me Said she's lack-toes intolerant
- Did you hear Elijah Wood joined the WWE? I heard he destroyed the ring.
- Whats the best way to carve a piece of wood? Whittle by whittle
- A chunk of wood that can make nice beats. Logarithms...
_Here come the down votes._ - I had a dream in which my favorite pornstar died. I woke up with mourning wood.
- Why do they call wood carving "whittling"? Because you start with a bigger piece of wood, and you make it whittler.
- What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood? Logger-rhythms.
- What did Tom hanks do in the woods? He took a forrest dump.
- Hey, I'm walking in the woods and can't talk right now... Bear with me.
Humorous Woods Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
What funny jokes about woods you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wood log jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make woods pranks.
I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:
Nelly
Erika Badu
Vanilla Ice
Eminem
Rhianna
Green Day
Oasis
Nirvana
Nine inch Nails
Aerosmith
George Strait
Ilene Woods
Vince Gill
Enya
Yoko ono
Otis Redding
U2
Uncle Kracker
Pappa Roach
It is okay if you disagree just let me know, but first read the first letter of each line only.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How did the h**... find his sister in the woods?
Pretty Hot
A Jewish girl....
.....flagged down a cab after drunken night out in town. All too late she realised the driver was heading in the wrong direction, & was driving down a dark country lane into the woods.
He stopped the car, then jumped in the back seat, pulling at the girls clothes frantically.
"Stop, stop!" she screamed.
"Don't worry love, I just want a bit of fun, I ain't going to hurt you" he explained.
"No, it's not that, could you turn the meter off first?" she replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men are hunting in the woods.
One of them sees a deer and fires, but accidentally shoots his friend in the back. When he realizes what happened, he immediately calls 911.
"Hello, what is your emergency?"
"I think I just killed my friend while hunting!"
"Ok, we'll send an ambulance immediately. But don't say things like that unless you're certain. Can you make sure he's dead?"
The emergency operator hears him walk a few steps then, *bang!*
"Ok, now I'm sure."
Tiger Woods playing golf.
Sorry if this is a repost, but I found this one quite funny.
Tiger Woods is practicing golf one day, surrounded by fans and media. While he's practicing, an amateur
golfer confidently walks up to him and challenges him to a match. Tiger knew he'd win, so he agrees thinking that it would be a fun break from serious practice. "OK," the amateur says, "Since I'm an amateur and you're a pro, you'll have to allow me two gotchas". Tiger didn't know what a gotchas is, but he didn't ask because he thought he'd win regardless of what handicap is placed on him. The fans and media leave the two alone so they can play in peace.
A few hours later, the two come out of the golf course and it turns out that Tiger Woods lost. The fans and media surrounded him wanting to know what happened. Tiger says, "I was starting the first hole, concentrating to tee off, you know, deep in thought. Right when I was about to drive the ball, he ran up from behind, grabbed my nuts and squeezed them tight while loudly screaming 'GOTCHA!!' can you imagine me trying to play eighteen holes waiting for the next gotcha?"
3 hunters are in the woods.
Ok so 3 hunters are walking through the woods when they see some tracks on the ground.
The first hunter said they were deer tracks.
The second hunter said no they are bear tracks.
The third hunter didn't get to say anything because he got ran over by a train.
An indian and a white man are walking through the woods...
and the white man is trying to learn how to hunt game from the indian. So the indian is moving quickly and quietly through the dense forest and the white man is fumbling loudly behind him. Suddenly, the indian stops short and presses his cheek up against a large tree. He then exclaims,
*"Moose come."*
The white man is baffled by how the indian discovered this and says, *"How do you know that?"*
Indian: *"Cheek sticky."*
Found 4 fox cubs
I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Czech and a Mexican
A Czechoslovakian and a Mexican go camping, while they were in the woods the Czech gets eaten by a bear. So the Mexican runs to find the park ranger and says "park ranger a bear ate my friend"
The park ranger and the Mexican find two bears, a male and a female. The park ranger asked the Mexican which ate his friend he points to the male and the ranger kills him and guts him there are no remains of the Czech man in the bear. Moral of the story never trust a Mexican when he says the Check is in the male
The Rabbit, The bear, and The genie.
A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods. The rabbit trips on a glistening metal object. The bear quickly picks up the object which appears to be a silver oil lamp.
A genie appeared forth.
The genie looked at the bear then the rabbit, then back at the bear.
"Alright, which of you schmucks freed me?"
"Me" the bear and rabbit said simultaneously.
The genie looked at the rabbit, then back at the bear. "Alright, I'm in a good mood, so you both get three wishes. Who's going first?"
The bear volunteered. "I wish all the other bears in this forest were female" He said.
"I wish I had a motorcycle" said the rabbit.
"Done and done" said the genie. Next wish?
The bear got a dumb smile and said "I wish all the other bears in the surrounding forests were female."
The rabbit hopped on the motorcycle. "I wish I was wearing a helmet"
"Alright. easy enough."
The bear a grin across his face yelled "I wish all the other bears in the world were female!"
The rabbit revved the engine, put on some goggles and as he sped away yelled "I wish the bear was gay!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest and a farmer are playing a round of golf.
On the first hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots a hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and the ball ends up in the woods.
The farmer is furious and screams: "g**... I missed".
The priest tells him "If you curse one more time, god will punish you".
On the second hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots another hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and this ball also ends up in the woods.
He screams "g**... I missed"
A loud rumble is heard and lightning strikes the *priest*.
Shortly after, a voice is heard from above the clouds saying "g**... I missed"
A man and a boy are walking through the woods..
The boy turns to the man and says, "these woods sure are scary."
The man turns to him and says, "you're telling me, I have to walk back alone."
Harry is taking a stroll through the woods....
...when he finds a large hole in the ground. The hole seems ridiculously deep, so Harry takes a small rock and throws it down the hole. Then he listens for the sound of the rock hitting the ground below. He doesn't hear anything, so next he tries a larger rock. Still, no sound. He looks around for something larger, and he finds an old railroad tie. He lifts up the railroad tie and chucks it down the hole. Still no sound.
Then out of NOWHERE, Harry sees a goat charging at him full speed from behind. Harry dives out of the way, then watches as the goat charges strait down the hole.
Harry is sitting there, perplexed, when a farmer approaches Harry and asks
Farmer: "Hey son, you haven't seen a goat around here have you?"
Harry: "Actually, Yes I did! It was the strangest thing, a goat just charged me full speed! I was just able to get out of the way. THEN the goat ran strait down that hole over there" as Harry points to the hole.
Farmer: "That's impossible, I tied that goat to a railroad tie"
A woman is walking through the woods at night with a serial killer.
She says to her companion, "Man, this forest is really creepy at night. I wish we weren't out here."
He replies, "You think you have it bad? I have to walk home alone!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[
A man was being chased in the woods by a lion who was going to eat him...
He ran his hardest, but the lion was advancing quickly. Just as it looked like the end for him, he decided on a last ditch effort. Being Catholic, he looked to the sky, dropped to his knees, and desperately prayed. "Lord!" he exclaimed. "Make this lion a Christian!" Instantly the lion pressed his paws together and prayed "For this meal in which I am about to partake..."
A bear is chasing a mouse through the woods..
When suddenly a genie appears. The mouse and bear stop dead in their tracks, perplexed at the genie's appearance. The genie offers to give both the bear and mouse three wishes. The bear, not hesitating, goes first; "I wish all the bears in these woods were female." The genie laughs and moves onto the mouse. "I wish for a motorcycle." The genie nods and moves back to the bear. "I wish all the bears in the world were female." The genie laughs again. The mouse asks for a motorcycle helmet. The genie gives it to the mouse and looks at the bear one last time. "I wish all the female bears wanted me." The genie goes, "My man!" and looks to the mouse for his final wish. The mouse gets on his motorcycle, starts it up, puts his helmet on and says, "I wish the bear was gay." and the mouse zooms off.
A cannibal passed a priest in the woods.
A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Pastor make a bet.
They say, "Whoever goes into the woods and converts the most dangerous animal, wins". So a week goes by and they all return. The Pastor comes back with a rattlesnake and says "He goes to church every week!". The priest comes back with cougar and says "His first he's getting confirmed next month!". The Rabbi comes back in a full body cast and says " You know, I probably shouldn't have tried to circumcise a bear."
Tennessee Joke
Two guys are hunting in the woods one day and they get to arguing about a set of tracks they had spotted, "Them is deer tracks," one says. The other, "No them's bear tracks!" Back and forth for about an hour... Then they get hit by the train.
An Atheist was in the woods and a bear came after him,
He got so scared, he looked up to heaven and yelled "OH MY GOD! Help me!"
And a voice from Heaven came down and asked, "Does that mean you want to be a Christian?"
The Atheist thinks a little bit and says, "No, make the bear a Christian."
The bear, almost ready to attack, then a miracle happened. The bear's paws came together in prayer form, looked up to Heaven and said, "Bless this food which I'm about to eat."
-Frank De Lima
What's the difference between a hippie girl and a can of beans?
You would still eat the beans after a month in the woods
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Yeti
A local married couple came forward today and said that a Yeti was spying on them while they were having s**... in their swimming pool, watching them intently before running off into the woods.
Now, I've been called lots of things in the past but that's just mean.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two hunters are in the woods...
Two hunters were in the woods, when one collapsed. He didn't seem to be breathing. The other called the emergency number and said, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator said, "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." After a second of silence on the hunter's end, the operator heard a gunshot. The hunter came back on the phone and said, ""OK, now what?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How did the r**... find his sister in the woods?
Attractive.
A man is walking through the woods...
when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi...
...decide to have a friendly competition to see who is the best at their job. To make things interesting, they agree to see who is best at converting the bears in the local woods. A week passes, and they get together to compare notes.
The priest says, "I was walking through the woods and came upon a patch of berries where there was a bear, gathering berries. I walked up to the bear and I gave him the Holy Communion, and thus converted the bear".
The minister goes, "I too was walking through the woods, and came across a stream. There was a bear in the stream, catching fish. So I waded out to him, and baptized the bear right there, and so converting him."
The priest and minster look over to the rabbi, and this guy is in rough shape. He is in total traction, with a full body cast, cuts and scrapes on his face and hands.
"Oy," the rabbi says, "In retrospect, I shouldn't have led with the circumcision."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest is walking through the woods at night
He is stopped by a policeman. The priest asks, "What seems to be the problem, officer?" The policeman replies, "A Boy Scout was abducted in the area, and we are looking for a potential child m**...." The priest thinks for a second, and says, "I'll do it."
A 96 year old man...
After marrying a beautiful young woman, a 96 year old man informed his doctor that he and his new wife were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," the doctor said. "An absentminded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he accidentally brought his umbrella on the trip. When he was in the woods, a bear charged him unexpectedly. The man whipped out his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and shot and killed it on the spot."
"That's impossible!" the elderly man exclaimed. "Someone else shot the bear."
"My point exactly," the doctor replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Joe was heading towards the end of a round of golf...
...when hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, p**...! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She yelled, I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.
Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!
Then p**...! she was gone!
After Joe recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, Bill, where are you?
Bill yells back, I'm over here in the pussywillows.
Joe shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, BILL. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING !
A little girl and an older man walk into the woods together, when the girl starts to cry.
The man says to her, 'I don't know why you're the one crying, I'm the one that has to walk out of these woods all alone!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two boys are in the woods...
...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting n**... in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see n**... chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a n**... girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"
How does a Priest find a little boy in the woods?
Very exciting
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses...
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Two hunters are strolling through the woods ...
When suddenly, one of them gasps, grabs hit chest, and collapses on the floor, eyes open and non-responsive.
In a panic, the other hunter dials 911: "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?!"
"Sir, please calm down. First of all, lets make sure he's dead"
There is a silence, and then a gunshot is heard
"Okay, so now what?"
An American, a German, a Jew and a Chinese guy were walking through the woods...
A caterpillar falls on the American. The American throws it to the German, the German throws it to the Jew and the Jew throws it to the Chinese guy, who eats it. They walk a bit more and another caterpillar falls on the American. He throws to it the German, the German throws it to the Jew. The Jew turns the Chinese guy and tells him - "hey man, wanna buy a caterpillar?"
An Engineer, Vice-President, and CEO are on the Golf Course...
The engineer hits the ball into the woods and says "No problem, I'll go get it."
The Vice-President then hits the ball into the woods and says "No problem, I'll have the engineer go get it."
The CEO then hits the ball into the woods and says "Have the engineer go get it, and then fire him. He should have warned us that might happen."
A blind rabbit and a blind slug
A blind rabbit and a blind slug are moving through the woods until the two of them bump into each other.
The slug reaches out, touches the rabbit, and says "You're soft and fluffy. You must be a rabbit."
The rabbit reaches out, touches the slug, and says "You're cold and slimy. You must be a politician."
Camped
Dad: We're going camped tomorrow, and I think we'll go extra deep into the woods.
Son: That sounds really fun, but wouldn't the proper statement be 'we're going camping.'
Dad: Normally, yes, but the verb changes because I'm sure we'll be going past tents.
Cars 3 Prediction.
Mcqueen's driving in the woods. There's no one around and his phone is dead. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots him: Shia LaBus.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three blondes were walking in the woods...
Three blondes were walking in the woods. They found some tracks. The first said "oh its wolf tracks!" The second said, "No, its horse tracks." And the third one said "I think its pig tracks" shortly after they were all hit by a train.
Why can you never find a botanist in the woods?
Because you can't see the florist for the trees!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to catch a bear
First, you dig a big hole in the ground out in the woods and you fill it to the top with ash.
Second, place fresh peas all around the hole.
Then when the bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My son wanted me to buy him GTA
When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"
He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf
They say when confronted by a bear, the best thing to do is play dead, so when I came face to face with one in the woods the other day, I accidentally played dad instead...
Now it can ride a bike without training wheels...
As I was walking through the woods I got hit in the head by some shell fragments.
I tried to ignore it but it happened a second time and then a third.
Looking up in anger I saw two squirrels that looked like they were up to no good, so I screamed up at them, "what are you trying to do start a war?!?!"
The bigger of the two looked down at me and said, "nah man, just trying to bust a nut."
Best Joke in the history of jokes, maybe ever
2 guys are hunting in the woods. The first guy faints and stops breathing. The second guy calls 911 and they say "911, what's your emergency?".
The guy says "My friend and I were hunting in the woods and he fainted. I think he's dead."
The 911 operator responds "First make sure that he is dead before anything"
A loud shot is heard. The guy then says "Ok, what do I do next"
Two men are walking in the woods...
...all of a sudden, one of them collapses. The other man dials 911 and says, "Help! I think my friend is dead!" The operator responds, "Sir, calm down. First of all, we need to make sure he is dead." There is a minute of silence and a loud thud before the man responds, "Okay, now what?"
A Christian man was getting chased by a bear in the woods
The man realized the bear was catching up, so the man got down on his knees and yelled "DEAR GOD, PLEASE LET THIS BEAR BECOME A CHRISTIAN SO THAT HE DOESN'T EAT ME" then the bear got down on his knees and said, "Dear God, thank you for this meal."
Two blondes go deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree...
After hours and hours of sub-zero temperatures, a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turns to the other and says, "Enough is enough! I'm chopping down the next tree I see! I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
Two guys are looking for a christmas tree in the woods...
They've been walking through the thick snow for about an hour and one of the guys says:
"Ah screw it! Lets just take that big one over there. So what if it doesn't have decorations?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There are 2 hunters in the woods
suddenly, one of the hunters has a heart attack and falls over. The other hunter calls 911. "Operator, I think my friend is dead," he says. "Well before we do anything else, we need to make sure he is dead," responds the operator. There is silence. Then there is a loud bang. "Ok, now what do I do"?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do crazy people get across the woods?
They use the psycho-paths
Did you hear about the tree that tried to run away from home?
He's not out of the woods yet.
I was out duck hunting with Olivia Wilde.
After a while, Olivia spotted a massive duck in the distance and insisted that I hunt it down.
I started to follow it, through bushes and brambles, woods and fields, over hills and through valleys, until finally, I caught up with it. The huge duck turned in my direction, honked and started running after me...
It was at that moment I realised, I wasn't pursuing a duck for Olivia, I was on a Wilde goose chase.
If you're ever lost in the woods, just look up at the sky for the North Star.
Its twinkling will comfort you as you die.
A guy and a girl are walking through the woods when the girl says, boy, these woods sure are creepy!!
The guy replies.. tell me about it, I gotta walk out of here alone!
I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it...
And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck.
Hunting gone wrong
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
I think my friend is dead! he yells. What can I do?
The operator says, Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead.
There's a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, OK, now what?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Below is an ad that appeared in The Atalanta Journal.
Single black female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips; cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call this number and ask for Dixie.
(Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How did the crazy people find their way out of the woods?
They followed the psycho path.
The CIA, KGB and MI6 decide to have a contest.
Each is given the task to find a rabbit
realeased in the woods.
The CIA uses spyplanes and satellites and finds the rabbit in 2 hours.
The MI6 deploys recon and search teams and finds it in 3 hours.
The KGB return after 1 hour with a badly beaten bear who cries out "I am the rabbit and I surrender".
Being a taxi driver is boring, nobody ever talks to me. And when they can be bothered to talk, all they say is
"Hang on a minute, I don't live in the woods".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Roaming Zombie
A zombie was roaming through the woods looking for something to eat.
He came across two men - one sitting under a tree and reading a book, & the other typing away on his typewriter.
The zombie quickly pounced on the man reading the book and started to devour him.
Because even a brain dead zombie knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
I played Frisbee golf today...
Or golf-frisbee... Or whatever you call it when you fling a 9 iron into the woods.
A blonde was walking through the woods...
... when she saw a brunette on some train tracks. She watched her for a few minutes, trying to understand what she was doing. The brunette was hopping from one track to the other, saying "38, 38, 38..."
After a little while, the blonde decides to join the brunette, hopping from track to track, saying "38, 38, 38..."
They do this for a few more minutes until there is a train coming. The brunette jumps off the tracks, just in time for the blonde to get smeared.
After the train passes, the brunette hops back onto the tracks, saying, "39, 39, 39..."
What is 8ft tall,lives in the woods and has a curly tail...
Pigfoot
My 7 year old told me this and thought I would share
You're lost in the middle of the woods at night, alone. The sky is cloudy, there are no trails, no map, no cell phone and no GPS. No sign of a city in any direction. How do you get back to civilization?
You tell an old joke out loud, wait a couple of minutes and follow any of the angry redditors shouting "repost!" back to civilization.
