Wooden Jokes
148 wooden jokes and hilarious wooden puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wooden that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
From wooden legs to wooden eyes and even a wooden post, this article is full of hilarious wooden jokes that will have you laughing all the way to the ornate wooden floor! Read on to discover some of the funniest jokes involving wood and wooden items, from a wooden shoe to a wooden car, a wooden horse to a wooden dog, and more.
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Funniest Wooden Short Jokes
Short wooden jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wooden humour may include short hardwood jokes also.
- What happened with the wooden car with wooden wheel, wooden seats, and a wooden engine? It wooden go.
- My Grandfather built me a car entirely out of wood It had wooden seats, wooden doors, wooden steering wheel, wooden floors and a wooden engine. Unfortunately when I tried to start it, it wooden work.
- There was a man with a wooden leg called Steve. I wonder what was his other leg was called.
- I want a gun that shoots wooden benches. I'd walk into a church with no seating and be like: *pew pew pew. pew pew. pew pew pew*
- I just got a wooden motorcycle. It has a wooden frame, wooden handle bars, wooden wheels, and a wooden seat. Guess what? It wooden start.
- My friend hasn't spoken to me since I accused him of stealing some wooden panels. I think he took a fence.
- Whistles I bought a wooden whistle...
But it wooden whistle
So I bought a steel whistle...
But it steel wooden whistle
Then I bought a lead whistle...
But it steel wooden lead me whistle! - Did you hear about the wooden car with the wooden engine, the wooden doors and the wooden chassis? It wooden go.
- Did you hear the one about the wooden car? With the wooden wheels? And the wooden engine? .... it wooden work
- I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler
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Wooden One Liners
Which wooden one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wooden? I can suggest the ones about hard wood and wood log.
- You can't hang a man with a wooden leg, You need a rope.
- I think my friend is a vampire I stabbed him in the heart with a wooden stake and he died
- I killed a vampire last Halloween ...or a kid. Either way, the wooden stake worked.
- Why does a surfing tree not drown? Because it wears Wooden Trunks!
- If you had a wooden car with a wooden engine and wooden tires It woodent work
- Did you hear about the girl who was dating the guy with the wooden leg? She broke it off
- What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in the freezer? Shiver me timbers!
- I bought a wooden whistle BUT IT WOODEN WHISTLE
- What do you call a female Pirate with wooden legs? Peggy
- I was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg once... ...but I had to break it off.
- What happened to the man with two wooden legs whose house burnt down? He fell on his ash.
- I would look great withan eye made of wood... wooden eye?
- What did the wooden ship say? All a board.
- What do yo call someone who has pictures of little wooden boys? A Gepetto-phile.
- I would hate to have to wear dutch clogs, wooden shoe?
Wooden Leg Jokes
Here is a list of funny wooden leg jokes and even better wooden leg puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I went on a few dates with this girl with one wooden leg.... But it wasn't going well. So I broke it off.
- I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas........ It wasn't her main present, just a stocking filler.
- I met a man in the park with a wooden leg named Smith. I asked him what his other leg was called.
- Do you know you can't hang a man with a wooden leg in Maine? You have to use a rope.
- I was dating this girl who had a wooden leg But it just wasn't going well. So I broke it off.
- In Wisconsin, you can't take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not? You can't take pictures with a wooden leg, in Wisconsin or anywhere else!
You need a camera to take pictures! - Did you hear the one about the guy with two wooden legs? They caught fire and he burnt to the ground.
- What did the wooden boar say when he fell and scraped his leg? Mahogany!
- I used to be married to a girl with a wooden leg. But then I broke it off.
- I just found out my on-line girlfriend has a wooden leg. should I break it off?
Wooden Car Jokes
Here is a list of funny wooden car jokes and even better wooden car puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the man who carved a wooden car, with wooden seats and wooden wheels, and a wooden engine? It wooden go.
- Did you hear about that new car made entirely from wood? It's crazy! Wooden wheels, wooden windows, wooden engine... Wooden move.
- I made a wooden car But it wooden go
Then I made a steel car
But it steel wooden go
Then I made a lead car
But it steel wooden lead me go - What would happen if you have a wooden car, with a wooden engine, and with a wooden key? That car wooden start.
- Did you hear about the car with a wooden engine, wooden wheels, and wooden gas tank? It wooden go!
- Did you hear about the wooden car? It wooden start.
Did you hear about the steel car?
It steel wouldn't start.
Did you hear about the blue car?
It blue up. - I used to have a full size wooden car. Wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden seats. BUT, when I tried to drive it, it wooden go.
Credit : u/johnnycrosshatch - A man made a car. Unlike other cars, the entire thing was made of wood. The wheels, the steering wheel, the seats, etc.
One day, he decided to try it out. But for some reason,
it wooden work. - Why was the car theif not able to steal the wooden car Because he couldn't drive stick!
- (Possibly OC) There once was a car with a wooden body, wooden tyre and even a wooden engine. It just wooden go.
Wooden Shoe Jokes
Here is a list of funny wooden shoe jokes and even better wooden shoe puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What kind of shoes do they wear in Holland? Wooden shoe like me to tell you.
[Props to my 8-year-old daughter for this one] - I got so mad at these uncomfortable wooden shoes that I tried to flush them down the toilet. Worst clog ever.
- I'd like to travel to Holland Wooden shoe?
- I'd like to go to Holland some day... Wooden shoe?
- Found a wooden shoe in my toilet it was clogged
saw on last comic standing - What did the lumberjack cobbler make? Wooden shoe like to know?
- I would like to go to Holland one day Wooden shoe?
- Someone asked me the other day, "What's with those clogs you keep wearing?" I replied, "Wooden shoe like to know."
- I tried to flush a wooden shoe down my toilet. It got clogged.
- My toilet got completely clogged... Wooden shoe know it!
Laughable Wooden Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about wooden you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean timber jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wooden pranks.
Street Performance
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."
Kara and Jim are two high school misfits...
...Kara has a wooden eye, while Jim has a peg leg. The big dance was coming up, so Kara goes up to Jim and asks him if he would like to accompany her to the dance.
Very excited, Jim exclaims, "OH WOULD I!!!"
Kara then runs away screaming, "PEG LEG!!!!!!"
A pig that can speak French
A circus advertises a new act: a pig that can speak French. A trainer walks onto the stage carrying a small pig with a blue ribbon and a wooden mallet. The trainer asks, "Parlez-vous français?" and hits the pig with the mallet. The pig: "Ouiiii..."
A guy with a wooden eye goes to a dance.
He searches the room for a lady ugly enough to dance with someone like himself. He spots one with jutting buck-teeth. He asks, "Will you dance with me?" She replies excitedly, "Would I!?" He angrily yells back at her, "BUCK TEETH!"
A man with a wooden eye is at a dance..
During a slow dance, he can't find a partner to dance with him. He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a large nose. Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move.
He approaches her and is frank with her, asking "Would you dance with me?"
Filled with excitement, she yells "Would I?!"
Without missing a beat, the man retorts: "BIG NOSE BIG NOSE BIG NOSE!!!"
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German...
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer juggling. The juggler notices the four men have a very poor view, so he stands upon a large wooden box and calls out to them, "Can you see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."
(If you don't get it, read it out loud)
Why did the police drop the charges against the man accused of being an olive branch?
Because the charges wooden stick.
My humblest apologies.
* The case! Drop the case! Ah f**....
An old man went to get a shave...
And the barber handed him a wooden ball to put in his mouth against his cheek to make his wrinkled skin smooth. After it was over with the man said "let me ask you something, what would've happened if I swallowed the ball?" And the barber says "just bring it back in two to three days like everyone else"
An old russian joke I heard a long time ago
In the middle his night patrol, a police officer notices a guy walking around a wooden barrel. He steps out of his vehicle, approaches, and asks, "hey, comrade, are you drunk?"
The man responds: "No, God forbid, I am perfectly sober, comrade officer! Besides I am almost home, my house is right after this fence!"
My favorite pirate joke
A pirate walks into a bar with a huge wooden ships wheel stuck down the front of his pants, as he waddles up to the bar the bartender asks, "Hey, doesn't that thing bother you?"
To which the pirate replies, "Gaarrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
A drunk enters...
...a confessional booth. The priest is waiting for the sinner to speak up, but the drunk doesn't say a word. After a while the priest coughs... nothing... he coughs again... nothing. The priest was patient until now, but enough is enough: he starts b**... on the wooden grid. The drunk finally speaks up:
"You're knocking to no avail, buddy... there ain't any toilet paper here either..."
A doctor checks on two roommates in an insane asylum...
He walks into their room to find one man hanging upside down from the ceiling fan by his feet. The other man sits below him, putting together wooden blocks.
The doctor asks, "How are you two doing?"
The man on the floor says, "Oh, I'm building a castle. Don't mind that guy up there, he's okay but a little crazy, thinks he's a lightbulb."
"Well, let's get him down before he hurts himself."
The sitting man stares back in shock. "And work in the *dark*?!"
Inmates Running the Asylum
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
I had a wooden whistle...
And it wooden whistle. So, I got a steel whistle and it steel wooden whistle. Finally I got a tin whistle, now I tin whistle.
I don't think a wooden structure is capable of holding up my books.
I have low shelf-confidence.
Clean Shave
An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
The Dying Man and the Cookies
An old man was on his death bed and had less than a day to live. As he lay there reflecting on his life, he smelled his favorite cookies in the kitchen. So using his last bit of will and effort, he dragged himself out of bed and crawled to the kitchen for a cookie. He sat down at the table and reached for one when his wife popped his hand with a wooden spoon: "Don't touch it! Those are for your f**...!"
A Pirate's Life
A pirate goes into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says:
"Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?"
" Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading a canon it blew me hand clean off".
"What about the eye-patch?".
"I happened to look up when a gull flying overhead crapped on me eye".
"Well, that doesn't qualify an eye patch, now does it?"
"Arrrgh, it was the first day I got me hook".
I once met a woman with wooden breast implants
This joke would be funny with a punchline, wouldn't it?
A man walks into a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I s**... it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
A Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer juggle.
The juggler notices the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands on a large wooden box and calls out can you see me now?
Yes
Oui
Si
Ja
A girl with a peg leg goes to her high school dance...
And she is slowly walking around, sad that nobody wanted to dance with her. Right before she was about to leave a boy with a wooden eye walks up and asks her to dance. To which she replies
"Would I! Would I!"
The boy is angered anD snaps back at her.
"Peg Leg! Peg Leg!
A w**... Joke
What wood happen if you had a Wooden Car
With Wooden Seats
Wooden Tires
And A Wooden Engine?
It Wooden't Start
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing...
They're watching a street performer do some juggling. The juggler then sees that the 4 men have a bad view so he stands up on a big wooden box and says "can you see me now?" The 4 men respond:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"
I bought a wooden whistle
but it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle,
but it steel wooden whistle.
So I bought a lead whistle,
but it steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a copper whistle,
but the copper steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a tin whistle,
now I can whistle.
What do Princess Diana and Champagne have in common?
Both come from France in a wooden box.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German...
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a juggler doing some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four men are towards the back of the crowd and can't see him very well, so he stands on a large wooden crate and calls to them "Can you see me now?"
They answer:
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."
Curiosity
I walk past a mental Asylum every day and yesterday as I neared I could hear them chanting "Seven..Seven..Seven." This continued as I walked along the wooden fence and I found myself looking for a gap to see what was going on. About 100m down the fence i spotted a hole where the knot had fallen out and hurried towards it. I jammed my eye up to the hole, rather excited to see the ruckus and a finger sprung out and jabbed me in th eye. "Eight..eight..eight."
The Old Cowboy's Shave
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does .
Whistle Puns
One day, I went to the store, and I bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.
So I went to the store again, and I bought a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.
After a lot of frustration, I went to the store again and I bought a lead whistle.
I was really mad at this point. It steel wooden lead me whistle!
An englishman, a Frenchman, a spaniard, and a German
Are all watching a really great street performer who was juggling.
The juggler realized that from where they were standing they couldn't see him very well. So the juggler stood on top of a wooden box. He asks if they can see him now.
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"
My friend got mad at me after I kept hitting him with a wooden board.
I told him, It's just a plank, bro.
It's just a plank.
One day, I went to a store and bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.
So I went to that store again and got a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.
Frustrated, I went to that store one last time and bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle!
What do humans and vampires have in common?
Both die when you stick a wooden stake in their hearts
For hundreds of years they were forced to work for us across our nation, tirelessly and without monetary compensation. They were whipped, and tied to wooden posts. Even today, they are exploited for sports and entertainment.
Man, horses must really hate us.
I bought a wooden whistle
...but it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle. And it steel wooden whistle.
Then I bought a lead whistle. It steel wooden lead me whistle.
Finally, I bought a tin whistle. Now I can whistle.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing in a group watching a street performer juggle.
The performer notices that the four gentleman have a very bad view of the show and gets up on a wooden box, and shouts into the crowd can you guys see me better now? He asks.
Yes
Oui
Si
Ja
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are watching a street artist perform.
The act is spectacular, but the four gentlemen are having a tough time getting a good view.
The performer, by some coincidence, notices this and stands up on a large wooden box to give them a better view. He then calls out to them "Can all of you see me now?"
They each reply:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German were in the side of a street...
On the street was a performer who was juggling. The juggler noticed the four men had poor eyesight so the juggler stood on a wooden box and exclaimed "Can you see me now?!" The three men responded
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"
I was going to put a joke on here about carpentry.
But i didn't think it wood work........
so i decided to add some metal work instead,
but i realised it steel wooden work.....
A pig with a wooden leg and his owner walk into a bar.
His owner orders a beer and begins bragging to the bartender about his pig. "See that scar on his head? He got that rescuing me from a fire," says the guy. "And see that he's only got one eye? He lost the other one saving 17 people from dying in a bus c**...." "So what heroic act was he doing when he lost his hind leg?" the bartender asks. "Dang it man," the guy says. "With a pig this good, you don't eat it all at once!"
It would be so nice if Pinocchio was a girl with b**....
Wooden t**...?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are watching a street performer do juggling
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are watching a street performer do juggling. The juggler notices the 4 gentlemen have a poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out " Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."
I'm afraid my wife might be a vampire.
She like to stay out all night, all of her guy friends invite her over before she can visit them and she always seems genuinely concerned when I try to stab her with a wooden stake.
Why did Pinocchio prefer wooden girls over the real thing?
Because the wooden girls are knotty!
My uncle's favorite joke.
A man with a wooden eye was always nervous asking girls to dance. He was always scared they would find his wooden eye too scary and say no. But he saw a pretty girl with a harelip across the dance floor and mustered up the courage to ask her to dance. Once he asked, she was ecstatic and couldn't believe someone asked her. She said, "Would I?! Would I?!". The man gets angry and says, "Harelip! Harelip!"
An englishman, a frenchman, a spaniard, and a german were all standing watching a street performer do some exciting juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden box and asks them, 'Can you all see me now?'
'Yes'
'Oui'
'Sí'
'Ja'
a bilingual joke (hope you like it)
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching an American street performer do some juggling. The juggler notices the four gentleman have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"Ja"
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut
He asks the barber, "do you think you can get all my whiskers off? My cheeks are so wrinkled from age".
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does".
A man made a motorcycle completely out of wood
It had a wooden engine, a wooden frame, wooden tires, wooden gas tank, everything was wood.
But did he ride it?
No, wooden start....
Just came up with this, as far as I know
A man walks into a gastroenterologist's office and stops to stand just at the edge of the seating area. The receptionist waits for him to approach but he fidgets uncomfortably, staring at the wooden seats between himself and the counter. Sir, why don't you come over here so we can get you checked in? says the receptionist.
That's why I'm here, he says, I have difficulty passing stools.
Imagine having s**... with a genuine tree n**....
That'd be strange. Wooden t**....
A guy is waiting for the bus in front of a mental institution
There is a tall wooden fence surrounding it. The man starts hearing a group of people on the other side of the fence yelling "14, 14, 14!" So he walks over and finds a small hole. When he ducks down to peek through, all of a sudden he gets poked in the eye.
The people on the other side of the fence start yelling "15, 15, 15!"
Imagine a pirate with a prosthetic breast.
That'd be funny, wooden t**...
