Wooden Jokes
146 wooden jokes and hilarious wooden puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wooden that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
From wooden legs to wooden eyes and even a wooden post, this article is full of hilarious wooden jokes that will have you laughing all the way to the ornate wooden floor! Read on to discover some of the funniest jokes involving wood and wooden items, from a wooden shoe to a wooden car, a wooden horse to a wooden dog, and more.
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Funniest Wooden Short Jokes
Short wooden jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wooden humour may include short hardwood jokes also.
- What happened with the wooden car with wooden wheel, wooden seats, and a wooden engine? It wooden go.
- My Grandfather built me a car entirely out of wood It had wooden seats, wooden doors, wooden steering wheel, wooden floors and a wooden engine. Unfortunately when I tried to start it, it wooden work.
- There was a man with a wooden leg called Steve. I wonder what was his other leg was called.
- I just got a wooden motorcycle. It has a wooden frame, wooden handle bars, wooden wheels, and a wooden seat. Guess what? It wooden start.
- My friend hasn't spoken to me since I accused him of stealing some wooden panels. I think he took a fence.
- I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler
- What kind of shoes do they wear in Holland? Wooden shoe like me to tell you.
[Props to my 8-year-old daughter for this one] - Why did pinocchio prefer wooden girls over the real thing? Because the wooden girls are knotty!
- I don't think a wooden structure is capable of holding up my books. I have low shelf-confidence.
- I once met a woman with wooden breast implants This joke would be funny with a punchline, wouldn't it?
Share These Wooden Jokes With Friends
Wooden One Liners
Which wooden one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wooden? I can suggest the ones about hard wood and wood log.
- You can't hang a man with a wooden leg, You need a rope.
- Why does a surfing tree not drown? Because it wears Wooden Trunks!
- If you had a wooden car with a wooden engine and wooden tires It woodent work
- Did you hear about the girl who was dating the guy with the wooden leg? She broke it off
- I bought a wooden whistle BUT IT WOODEN WHISTLE
- What do you call a female Pirate with wooden legs? Peggy
- What happened to the man with two wooden legs whose house burnt down? He fell on his ash.
- I would look great withan eye made of wood... wooden eye?
- What did the wooden ship say? All a board.
- What do yo call someone who has pictures of little wooden boys? A Gepetto-phile.
- I would hate to have to wear dutch clogs, wooden shoe?
- Do you know you can't hang a man with a wooden leg in Maine? You have to use a rope.
- My mom thought she could beat me at Scrabble But I wooden letter
- What secret organization does Pinnochio work for? Wooden you like to know?
- Why was the car theif not able to steal the wooden car Because he couldn't drive stick!
Wooden Leg Jokes
Here is a list of funny wooden leg jokes and even better wooden leg puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I went on a few dates with this girl with one wooden leg.... But it wasn't going well. So I broke it off.
- I met a man in the park with a wooden leg named Smith. I asked him what his other leg was called.
- In Wisconsin, you can't take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not? You can't take pictures with a wooden leg, in Wisconsin or anywhere else!
You need a camera to take pictures! - What did the wooden boar say when he fell and scraped his leg? Mahogany!
- I just found out my on-line girlfriend has a wooden leg. should I break it off?
- A man with a wooden leg walks into a bar The bartender says " I was once engaged to a girl with a wooden leg"
The man replied " Oh yeah, What happened? "
The bartender says " I had to break it off" - What goes 99 clonk, 99 clonk, 99 clonk? A centipede with a wooden leg!
*^^Joke ^^I ^^found ^^in ^^the ^^Tokyo ^^Ghoul ^^tag ^^on ^^Tumblr, ^^my ^^brother ^^loves ^^this ^^one!* - Bert is walking with Albert through the park and says, "I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith." Albert says, "What's the name of his other leg?"
- There once was a man with a wooden leg named Steve Why Steve carried a wooden leg with him everywhere he went will remain a mystery, creep.
- I dated a girl with a wooden leg once. But I had to brake it off.
Wooden Car Jokes
Here is a list of funny wooden car jokes and even better wooden car puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about that new car made entirely from wood? It's crazy! Wooden wheels, wooden windows, wooden engine... Wooden move.
- I made a wooden car But it wooden go
Then I made a steel car
But it steel wooden go
Then I made a lead car
But it steel wooden lead me go - What would happen if you have a wooden car, with a wooden engine, and with a wooden key? That car wooden start.
- Did you hear about the wooden car? It wooden start.
Did you hear about the steel car?
It steel wouldn't start.
Did you hear about the blue car?
It blue up. - I used to have a full size wooden car. Wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden seats. BUT, when I tried to drive it, it wooden go.
Credit : u/johnnycrosshatch - What's the difference between someone who makes wooden furniture and someone who does paint jobs? One is a carpenter and one is a car painter
- A carpenter tries his hand at building a car It was a work of wood that wooden work.
- Yo guys hear about that wooden car IT WOODEN GO LOL XDDDDD
- Why aren't cars made out of wood? Because they wooden go.
Wooden Shoe Jokes
Here is a list of funny wooden shoe jokes and even better wooden shoe puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I got so mad at these uncomfortable wooden shoes that I tried to flush them down the toilet. Worst clog ever.
- I'd like to travel to Holland Wooden shoe?
- Found a wooden shoe in my toilet it was clogged
saw on last comic standing - What did the lumberjack cobbler make? Wooden shoe like to know?
- Someone asked me the other day, "What's with those clogs you keep wearing?" I replied, "Wooden shoe like to know."
- I tried to flush a wooden shoe down my toilet. It got clogged.
- My toilet got completely clogged... Wooden shoe know it!
- I was telling my friend about my ex-girlfriend. "She was Dutch" I told him.
"Oh, like wooden shoe?"
"No, more like wouldn't listen." - I bet you'd like a pair of clogs Wooden shoe?
- What did one klog say to the other? Oh, wooden shoe like to know...
Laughable Wooden Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about wooden you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean timber jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wooden pranks.
Read the punchline out loud. I first heard this in high school, not sure how well it translates to print.
Poor Tom.
When he was seven, he lost his left eye in a tragic accident. Being from a poor family, the only replacement they could afford was a wooden eye.
When he was seventeen, three weeks before the prom, he was still dateless. He decided to work up the courage to ask someone, but he knew he has limits. He set his eye of Amy, a girl in his class, who spoke with a lisp.
He walked up to her at lunch, while she was surrounded by her friends, and he managed to stammer out a quiet "willyougotothepromwithme?"
"Whath that? I can't hear what you're thaying."
"Will you go to the prom? With me?" he answered, a little louder.
Amy smiled. She never thought anyone would ask her!
"Go with you? Would I? Would I?"
"LISP LISP LISP!"
Kara and Jim are two high school misfits...
...Kara has a wooden eye, while Jim has a peg leg. The big dance was coming up, so Kara goes up to Jim and asks him if he would like to accompany her to the dance.
Very excited, Jim exclaims, "OH WOULD I!!!"
Kara then runs away screaming, "PEG LEG!!!!!!"
A pig that can speak French
A circus advertises a new act: a pig that can speak French. A trainer walks onto the stage carrying a small pig with a blue ribbon and a wooden mallet. The trainer asks, "Parlez-vous français?" and hits the pig with the mallet. The pig: "Ouiiii..."
A guy with a wooden eye goes to a dance.
He searches the room for a lady ugly enough to dance with someone like himself. He spots one with jutting buck-teeth. He asks, "Will you dance with me?" She replies excitedly, "Would I!?" He angrily yells back at her, "BUCK TEETH!"
A man with a wooden eye is at a dance..
During a slow dance, he can't find a partner to dance with him. He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a large nose. Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move.
He approaches her and is frank with her, asking "Would you dance with me?"
Filled with excitement, she yells "Would I?!"
Without missing a beat, the man retorts: "BIG NOSE BIG NOSE BIG NOSE!!!"
A mailman walks up to a house...
He sees a pig with a wooden leg. When the owner answers the door, the mailman asks why the pig has a wooden leg.
"Well, you see, that pig is a life-saver."
"That doesn't explain why he has a wooden leg."
"A couple nights ago, our house caught on fire. That pig dragged every one out of the house- even the dog."
"Okay, but that still doesn't explain the leg."
"Well, with a pig that great, you can't eat him all at once!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the police drop the charges against the man accused of being an olive branch?
Because the charges wooden stick.
My humblest apologies.
* The case! Drop the case! Ah f**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I killed a vampire last Halloween
...or a kid. Either way, the wooden stake worked.
An old man went to get a shave...
And the barber handed him a wooden ball to put in his mouth against his cheek to make his wrinkled skin smooth. After it was over with the man said "let me ask you something, what would've happened if I swallowed the ball?" And the barber says "just bring it back in two to three days like everyone else"
An old russian joke I heard a long time ago
In the middle his night patrol, a police officer notices a guy walking around a wooden barrel. He steps out of his vehicle, approaches, and asks, "hey, comrade, are you drunk?"
The man responds: "No, God forbid, I am perfectly sober, comrade officer! Besides I am almost home, my house is right after this fence!"
man with a wooden leg
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
(Try this one with your students the next time you are teaching a lesson that includes this type of grammer.)
A doctor checks on two roommates in an insane asylum...
He walks into their room to find one man hanging upside down from the ceiling fan by his feet. The other man sits below him, putting together wooden blocks.
The doctor asks, "How are you two doing?"
The man on the floor says, "Oh, I'm building a castle. Don't mind that guy up there, he's okay but a little crazy, thinks he's a lightbulb."
"Well, let's get him down before he hurts himself."
The sitting man stares back in shock. "And work in the *dark*?!"
Inmates Running the Asylum
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
Clean Shave
An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Pirate's Life
A pirate goes into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says:
"Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?"
" Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading a canon it blew me hand clean off".
"What about the eye-patch?".
"I happened to look up when a gull flying overhead crapped on me eye".
"Well, that doesn't qualify an eye patch, now does it?"
"Arrrgh, it was the first day I got me hook".
A man buys a house
The guy he buys it from says
"we printed out the deed but didn't have paper so we printed it on this plank of wood, will that be okay?"
"That wooden deed"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I s**... it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Jesus returned to earth...
And stayed anonymous for a while, but eventually a priest discovered who he was. He was discreet, but insisted that he take a solid gold cross. Before he took it, he prayed to his father and said,
"Father, should I accept this gift?"
God replies, "The solid gold cross?"
"Yes."
"What would you do with a solid gold cross? You could hardly carry a wooden one!"
I made a Wooden Engine..
Everyone was shocked to see that it wood work.
A girl with a peg leg goes to her high school dance...
And she is slowly walking around, sad that nobody wanted to dance with her. Right before she was about to leave a boy with a wooden eye walks up and asks her to dance. To which she replies
"Would I! Would I!"
The boy is angered anD snaps back at her.
"Peg Leg! Peg Leg!
A boy with a wooden eye asked a girl with a hairy lip to the prom...
Seeing how nobody else would likely go with them, the boy with the wooden eye asks the girl with the hairy lip, "Would you like to go to Prom with me?".
The girl with the hairy lip, surprised and excited says, "Would I!?".
"HAIRY LIP", replied the boy.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing...
They're watching a street performer do some juggling. The juggler then sees that the 4 men have a bad view so he stands up on a big wooden box and says "can you see me now?" The 4 men respond:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"
I bought a wooden whistle
but it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle,
but it steel wooden whistle.
So I bought a lead whistle,
but it steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a copper whistle,
but the copper steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a tin whistle,
now I can whistle.
I saw a gay magician
He climbed into a wooden box
And then came out from the closet
What do Princess Diana and Champagne have in common?
Both come from France in a wooden box.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There is this old wooden pillar in my town where all of the homeless people d**.... We call it...
shitpost
The Old Cowboy's Shave
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does .
My friend got mad at me after I kept hitting him with a wooden board.
I told him, It's just a plank, bro.
It's just a plank.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do humans and vampires have in common?
Both die when you stick a wooden stake in their hearts
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife says I'm like Pinnochio in the bedroom.
"Because every time I see you my thing gets bigger and bigger?" I asked
"No. You're a liar and your performances are wooden."
For hundreds of years they were forced to work for us across our nation, tirelessly and without monetary compensation. They were whipped, and tied to wooden posts. Even today, they are exploited for sports and entertainment.
Man, horses must really hate us.
I was going to put a joke on here about carpentry.
But i didn't think it wood work........
so i decided to add some metal work instead,
but i realised it steel wooden work.....
An arm amputee bought a wooden cupboard from IKEA which was sent to his home for his self assembly.
Needless to say, he was stumped.
A man walks the streets of London
He sees a begar with wooden leg and thinks: a criple, classic... But then he sees that he has a tag: Falkland veteran. The men remembers what was that about and tells himself: This man fought for me, when i was lying at home. So he gives the begar ten pounds.
And the begar answers: Gracias senor, gracias.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call strippers in a wooden horse?
t**... w**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two pirates were aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge discussing the upcoming pirate captain's election
One says to the other: "Arrr matey, I'll give ye my clear glass eye if ye give me yer vote for captain tomorrow."
The other considers the proposal for a moment, then squeezes his fake wooden eye out of its socket, throws it overboard, spits on his hand and offers it to the first pirate.
"Arrr, an Aye for an eye it is, then."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It would be so nice if Pinocchio was a girl with b**....
Wooden t**...?
ANOTHER WOODEN BALL..!!!!!
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm afraid my wife might be a vampire.
She like to stay out all night, all of her guy friends invite her over before she can visit them and she always seems genuinely concerned when I try to stab her with a wooden stake.
Upon my fathers death bed he handed me...
A wooden pirates peg filled with water. He told me that it was owned by his father and his fathers father and his fathers fathers father and now it was mine.
I asked him what it was and he told me....
It was our families leg o' sea.
My uncle's favorite joke.
A man with a wooden eye was always nervous asking girls to dance. He was always scared they would find his wooden eye too scary and say no. But he saw a pretty girl with a harelip across the dance floor and mustered up the courage to ask her to dance. Once he asked, she was ecstatic and couldn't believe someone asked her. She said, "Would I?! Would I?!". The man gets angry and says, "Harelip! Harelip!"
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut
He asks the barber, "do you think you can get all my whiskers off? My cheeks are so wrinkled from age".
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife didn't like the wooden shoes I made for her, tried to flush them down the toilet.
Now the d**... thing's clogged.
Just came up with this, as far as I know
A man walks into a gastroenterologist's office and stops to stand just at the edge of the seating area. The receptionist waits for him to approach but he fidgets uncomfortably, staring at the wooden seats between himself and the counter. Sir, why don't you come over here so we can get you checked in? says the receptionist.
That's why I'm here, he says, I have difficulty passing stools.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man with a wooden eye watches people at the dance...
After always being the b**... of jokes or bullying, he was scared to ask any girl to dance with him. He always had a fancy for Betsy, who was born with a hairlip. He always figured since they shared a similar fate, she might sympathize with him. He finally mustered up enough courage and asked Betsy, "Would you dance with me?" She sprang up excited and said "Would I? Would I?!". The man angrily says, "Well, hairlip! Hairlip!"
I was trying to milk a goat once...
One evening, I was going to milk a goat in the barn. As I started, the goat tried to kick me by her back leg. So I took a rope and tied her leg to one of the wooden poles in the barn.
I tried to continue, but she tried to kick me by the other back leg, so I took another rope and tied it to the other pole.
Then, as I was bending to start milking her again, my belt buckle cracked, the belt came loose and my pants fell down...
And my wife came to the barn...
There are some situations, you are just not able to explain.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Imagine having s**... with a genuine tree n**....
That'd be strange. Wooden t**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Imagine a pirate with a prosthetic breast.
That'd be funny, wooden t**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wood b**...
I once saw a carpenter making b**... from a wooden log. Decided not to insult him by making a joke of it. It would have been silly.
Wooden-t**... !!!
Why are wooden chairs good for back pain?
They have lumber support!
(I'm sorry for this my brother came up with it)
