The Best 68 Wood Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Wood jokes. There are some wood logs jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these wood natalie wood puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Wood Jokes and Puns
A lion would never drive while drunk.
But a tiger wood.
My favorite pornstar died last night.
I woke up today with mourning wood.
What does a necrophiliac get at a funeral?
Mourning wood
GUESS WHAT I SAW!
Wood.
There once was a man who made dead houses.
There once was a man who made dead houses; Stored them under his home with the bugs and the mouses; The coffins he made were of rich sleek wood; He built them as big, yet as fast as he could; For his caskets were haunted and were said to walk; one night he went to his basement, and one started to rock; It moved towards him, his insides began to soften; So he pulled out some Halls, cause Halls stops the coffin.
My friend decided to take up wood working and he heard this joke at his new work place
A joiner makes sure that what he makes fits with the rest down to the tenth of a millimeter.
A carpenter makes sure it fits down to a millimeter.
A mason makes sure it fits down to the centimeter.
If the painter makes it to the right address, it's a good thing.
(Dr Who joke) Why can't a sonic screwdriver cure erectile dysfunction?
It doesn't do wood.
Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.
The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down."
"The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back."
"The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."
What do you call a 2x4 that lost its family to a fire?
mourning wood
My boss asked me to put two pieces of wood together.
I totally nailed it.
A lion would never cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood
You can explore wood lumberjacks reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean wood wooden dad jokes. There are also wood puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Plank goes to a ball game
A small plank of wood goes to Watch a baseball game. For the first few innings, the plank is super into it. But by the seventh inning, its interest starts to fade.
A man nearby notices the fading enjoyment and starts up a conversation.
"Hey man, how you liking the game?" He asks.
"I really like it. I think it's pretty cool" the small plank replies.
"Really," says the man, "cuz it seems to me like you're a little board."
What does a Necrophiliac have when he is turned on?
Mourning Wood
I had a wooden whistle...
And it wooden whistle. So, I got a steel whistle and it steel wooden whistle. Finally I got a tin whistle, now I tin whistle.
I don't think a wooden structure is capable of holding up my books.
I have low shelf-confidence.
What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood?
Logger-rhythms.
Boss told me to glue 2 pieces of wood together
Totally nailed it
My favorite tree died earlier.
Now I have mourning wood.
Why do they call wood carving "whittling"?
Because you start with a bigger piece of wood, and you make it whittler.
Girl, are you a termite?
Because you're gonna get a mouthful of wood tonight
Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"
He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.
The room is 15$ a night.
Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night.
It's $5 if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
What did Woody say to Buzz?
A lot. There were 3 movies.
I always wanted a skateboard.
So one day I asked my mom for a skateboard. She said no as it was too expensive. So I came up with an idea to resolve my problem - I grabbed a plank of wood and some nails.
And beat her to death.
A Woody Joke
What wood happen if you had a Wooden Car
With Wooden Seats
Wooden Tires
And A Wooden Engine?
It Wooden't Start
Roses are red, Rum is good...
Too much rum..Now no wood :(
I got a hard on at my wifes funeral
Guess you could say I had mourning wood.
I was walking by a mental institution on my way to work
And in the yard behind the fence, I heard people shouting "four, four, four...". I was curious so I peeked through the wood planks to see what was happening. Someone jabbed a stick in my eye and then everyone started shouting "five, five, five...".
If you had a wooden car with a wooden engine and wooden tires
It woodent work
It's true, I can cut a piece of wood just by staring at it
I saw it with my own eyes
How do you trap an elephant?
Well first you dig a really big hole. Then put dry leaves and wood in the hole and light them on fire. Wait for the fire to go out. Then cover the hole with leaves and wait for the elephant to walk by it.
Then, sneak up behind the elephant, and when it least expects it, kick it in the ash hole
My girlfriend is like a good carpenter
No wood gets wasted
Two girls play in the park, one takes wood stick and says:
"my dad's is this big". The other one says: "My dad's is smaller, but it still hurts..."
What do you call an erection at a funeral?
Mourning wood.
What does a necrophiliac get when he wakes up at the morgue? NSFW
Mourning wood.
I'm sorry.
I want to make a funeral home in the forest
I'll call it "Mourning Wood"
When did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
When his hand caught fire.
I can cut wood using just my eyes
It is true, I saw it with my own eyes
I had a dream in which my favorite pornstar died.
I woke up with mourning wood.
What kind of wood makes the best chairs?
Cherry wood.
Three blondes in a wood
Three Blondes are walking through a wood.
They come across some tracks on the ground.
The first blonde says "these are deer tracks."
The second blonde says "no, these are bear tracks."
The third blonde says "no, these are fox tracks."
*smack* and that's when the train hit them.
A chunk of wood that can make nice beats.
Logarithms...
_Here come the down votes._
I can cut a piece of wood in half by only looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
Whats the best way to carve a piece of wood?
Whittle by whittle
My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish
He had a horrible death but a lovely finish
A lion wouldn't cheat on its mate
But a Tiger Wood
My evening wouldn't normally start out with an erection...
..but my morning wood.
Good one from my dad: "I can cut wood by just looking at it"
Came up during a conversation about having a bonfire
Dad "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it"
Me, fully expecting a dad joke: "I don't believe you but would you care to elaborate"
Dad: "It's true! I saw it with my own eyes"
He giggled to himself for about 10 minutes after that one.
I can cut a piece of wood in two pieces just by looking at it.
It may seem impossible, but I saw it with my own two eyes
I get erections at funerals. "Mourning wood," if you will.
It's hard to come up with an original erection joke. The competition is stiff.
What is the scientific name of a Weeping Willow?
Mourning Wood
My carpenter friend brought me a single plank of wood by 5 o'clock today. I was livid!
"Whats wrong?" he asked.
"You told me you'd bring me 2 by 4!"
I just got a wooden motorcycle. It has a wooden frame, wooden handle bars, wooden wheels, and a wooden seat. Guess what?
It wooden start.
Why are Male Prostitutes' more expensive than Female Prostitutes'?
The Price of wood is so damn high.....
Two blonde builders were working on a house.
One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.
The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second blonde explained, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"
Two lumberjacks are having a conversation.
One of them says "You know, I can cut wood just by looking at it!"
The other replies "That's not possible! I don't believe you!"
The first says "I know, that it's hard to believe, but I'm telling you! I saw it with my two eyes!"
I can cut wood by staring at it.
I saw it with my own eyes.
You know, I can't think of many guys who would walk all the way to a volcano to get rid of a ring.
But Elijah Wood.
What does a necrophiliac get whenever he goes to a funeral?
Mourning wood.
Why do wood carvings take so long?
Because they have to be done whittle by whittle.
Does anyone want to hang out with me while I chop some wood?
I'm axing for a friend.
I can cut this piece of wood just by looking at it.
It's true. I saw it with my own eyes!
What do you call a tree that only grows at sunrise?
Morning wood.
I have just finished making a hard-drive out of wood, but it doesn't work…
It's all bark and no byte
A Pirate was offered a prosthetic in place of his eye patch...
The doctor asked, "I made this prosthetic eye out of oak wood to replace your eye patch. Would you like to try it?"
The pirate replied, "Would I?!"
An American, a Saudi Arabian, and a Chinese person were asked what their opinion on the global wood shortage was.
Unfortunately, none of them understood the question.
The American asked, what's a shortage?
The Saudi asked, what is wood?
The Chinese asked, what's an opinion?
A joke for carpenters with kids: Guess what I saw?
Wood!
Did you know Rocky Mountain wood ticks hunt in packs? They from a queue and move back and forth before they swoop in to bite you.
They call this behaviour Lyme dancing.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the wood firewood jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working wood morning wood piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.