Wood Jokes

174 wood jokes and hilarious wood puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wood that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Brighten up your morning with some wood jokes! Enjoy whimsical jokes about morning wood, hard wood, ornate lumber, and even lumberjacks. Get ready to giggle and guffaw at these amusing jokes that will bring a smile to your face.

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Short Wood Jokes
Wood One Liners
Morning Wood Jokes
Cutting Wood Jokes
Hard Wood Jokes
Chopping Wood Jokes
More Wood Jokes

Funniest Wood Short Jokes

Short wood jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wood humour may include short forest jokes also.

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword" He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.
I can cut a piece of wood in half by only looking at it It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
I can cut a piece of wood in two pieces just by looking at it. It may seem impossible, but I saw it with my own two eyes
Just got scammed out of $15. Bought tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.
My Grandfather built me a car entirely out of wood It had wooden seats, wooden doors, wooden steering wheel, wooden floors and a wooden engine. Unfortunately when I tried to start it, it wooden work.
I phoned the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said ", are they moving?"
I replied "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase."
The room is 15$ a night. Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night.
It's $5 if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
I was just scammed out of 25 dollars. I purchased a dvd titled "Tiger Woods' favorite 18 holes." It turned out to be about golf. Tell others so that they can avoid this scam too!!
A kid and a clown are walking through the woods. The kid looks around and says, "man these woods sure are scary"
The clown replies, "you're telling me I have to walk out of here alone."
A clown is walking through the woods with a kid The kid looks up at the clown, "It's getting late, and I'm getting scared."
Clown says, "YOU'RE scared? I have to walk out of here alone."

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Wood One Liners

Which wood one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wood? I can suggest the ones about trees and timber.

A lion would never drive while drunk. But a tiger wood.
A lion would never cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood
I can cut wood by staring at it. I saw it with my own eyes.
What ruined Tiger Woods' golf career? His driving game.
Why do wood carvings take so long? Because they have to be done whittle by whittle.
It's true, I can cut a piece of wood just by staring at it I saw it with my own eyes
My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish He had a horrible death but a lovely finish
I can cut wood using just my eyes It is true, I saw it with my own eyes
I can cut this piece of wood just by looking at it. It's true. I saw it with my own eyes!
A cannibal passed his brother in the woods.
What kind of wood makes the best chairs? Cherry wood.
My girlfriend is like a good carpenter No wood gets wasted
My favorite pornstar died last night. I woke up today with mourning wood.
GUESS WHAT I SAW! Wood.
I tried cutting wood by just looking at it, and it worked! I saw it with my own two eyes

Morning Wood Jokes

Here is a list of funny morning wood jokes and even better morning wood puns that will make you laugh with friends.

A Jew wakes up with morning wood and runs right into a wall. What does he say? Ouch, my nose!
If guys get morning wood....... Do girls get morning dew?
morning wood is like my childhood... wasted potential
I hope y'all have a beautiful morning wood
Sometimes in the mornings I have dirty thoughts about a dead girlfriend Mourning wood
I woke up with my back stiff as a board It's morning wood
Did Jesus ever have morning wood? He was a carpenter right?
(This is courtesy of my SO)
What's worse than morning wood? Mourning wood
What do you call a tree that only grows at sunrise? Morning wood.
Feral people don't experience morning wood... They experience morning bark

Cutting Wood Jokes

Here is a list of funny cutting wood jokes and even better cutting wood puns that will make you laugh with friends.

What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood? Logger-rhythms.
I recently took up wood carving, and accidentally cut my finger. It's nothing serious. It's just a whittle cut.
I can cut wood just by looking at it! I know it is hard to believe but I saw it with my own two eyes!
I can cut wood in half by looking at it intensely. I saw it with my own eyes.
What do you call a knife made out of wood? A cutting board.
^(I just made that up)
You know how you can cut wood just by looking at it? You saw it. You saw it with your own two eyes.
Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn had a huge argument over whether to circumcise their son Lindsey went downhill from there, but Tiger made the cut.
My wife asked me if I will cut a tree for her if she asked me to "I wood" was my answer
Whenever I get stressed out I cut shapes out of wood with my jigsaw... A jigsaw is a great coping mechanism.
A lumberjack lost his arm cutting wood. It was an axe-ident.

Wood joke, A lumberjack lost his arm cutting wood.

Hard Wood Jokes

Here is a list of funny hard wood jokes and even better hard wood puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Next time someone complains about millennials Remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hard-wood floors.
I have just finished making a hard-drive out of wood, but it doesn't work… It's all bark and no byte
What did the carpet enthusiast say to his mistress? I haven't had hard wood in 15 years.
Yesterday I went into the woods to looks for sasquatchs but my Jean's were too tight You have no idea how hard it is to sasquatch with you sack squashed
I just peed with morning wood It was hard
If I gather my material, wood you like to hear a joke? I sure wood, but it's steel hard to come up with one.
I hate peeing with morning wood... It's just so hard!
Met a cute girl with purple hair. Jokingly asked her "Does the carpet match the drapes?"
She replies "No carpet, hard wood".
If Hillary brought a carpet bag to New York, what did Bill bring? Hard wood.
What do kids and japanese getas have in common? You can only make 'em with hard wood!

Chopping Wood Jokes

Here is a list of funny chopping wood jokes and even better chopping wood puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Lost three toes in a wood-chopping accident and my girlfriend dumped me Said she's lack-toes intolerant
My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he's had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood. Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him? Axeing for a friend.
A man hurt himself while trying to chop wood I guess you could say he had an axe-ident.
"How long have you been chopping wood for?" "I'm not sure, I'll check the logs"
Does anyone want to hang out with me while I chop some wood? I'm axing for a friend.
Why did the Math Teacher chop wood? So he could do Logarithms.
Joe was chopping wood with his Dad Joe: Dad, I think I want to be a pilot!
Dad: That's great, start over there. You can grab that wood and pile it.
What did storm say when she saw wolverine chopping wood? That's a huge axe man!
A buddy of mine called and asked what I was up to, I told him "Chopping wood and milking my cows..." "...then later I'm gonna chop the cows and milk my wood."
Why did he lumberjack quit his job chopping wood? Because he couldn't hack it

Wood joke, Why did he lumberjack quit his job chopping wood?

Amusing Wood Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends

What funny jokes about wood you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tree bark jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wood pranks.

I can build things out of wood.

Canoe?

What do you get when you cross a Jew with two planks of wood?

Christianity

What does a necrophiliac get at a f**...?

Mourning wood

What do you get when you scare a tree?

Petrified wood.

There once was a man who made dead houses.

There once was a man who made dead houses; Stored them under his home with the bugs and the mouses; The coffins he made were of rich sleek wood; He built them as big, yet as fast as he could; For his caskets were haunted and were said to walk; one night he went to his basement, and one started to rock; It moved towards him, his insides began to soften; So he pulled out some Halls, cause Halls stops the coffin.

My friend decided to take up wood working and he heard this joke at his new work place

A joiner makes sure that what he makes fits with the rest down to the tenth of a millimeter.
A carpenter makes sure it fits down to a millimeter.
A mason makes sure it fits down to the centimeter.
If the painter makes it to the right address, it's a good thing.

(Dr Who joke) Why can't a sonic screwdriver cure erectile dysfunction?

It doesn't do wood.

Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.

The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down."
"The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back."
"The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."

What do you call a 2x4 that lost its family to a fire?

mourning wood

My boss asked me to put two pieces of wood together.

I totally nailed it.

What is a neckbeard's favorite type of wood?

m'hogany

Plank goes to a ball game

A small plank of wood goes to Watch a baseball game. For the first few innings, the plank is super into it. But by the seventh inning, its interest starts to fade.
A man nearby notices the fading enjoyment and starts up a conversation.
"Hey man, how you liking the game?" He asks.
"I really like it. I think it's pretty cool" the small plank replies.
"Really," says the man, "cuz it seems to me like you're a little board."

What does a Necrophiliac have when he is turned on?

Mourning Wood

What do you call a necrophiliacs e**...?

Mourning wood.

I had a wooden whistle...

And it wooden whistle. So, I got a steel whistle and it steel wooden whistle. Finally I got a tin whistle, now I tin whistle.

I had a suspicion that a robot might be stealing my wood

So I checked its log files.

I don't think a wooden structure is capable of holding up my books.

I have low shelf-confidence.

How much wood does a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck chuck could chuck wood?

None because only beavers give a dam.

Boss told me to glue 2 pieces of wood together

Totally nailed it

My favorite tree died earlier.

Now I have mourning wood.

What would happen if The Styx and The Stones got a band together?

It wood rock.

Why do they call wood carving "whittling"?

Because you start with a bigger piece of wood, and you make it whittler.

what do you call a sad tree?

Mourning wood

Did you hear about that new car made entirely from wood? It's crazy! Wooden wheels, wooden windows, wooden engine...

Wooden move.

Girl, are you a termite?

Because you're gonna get a mouthful of wood tonight

What did w**... say to Buzz?

A lot. There were 3 movies.

I always wanted a skateboard.

So one day I asked my mom for a skateboard. She said no as it was too expensive. So I came up with an idea to resolve my problem - I grabbed a plank of wood and some nails.
And beat her to death.

I was gonna tell you all a joke about how I had to replace the wood holding up my fence...

But I was afraid it is only a repost.

A w**... Joke

What wood happen if you had a Wooden Car
With Wooden Seats
Wooden Tires
And A Wooden Engine?
It Wooden't Start

Roses are red, r**... is good...

Too much r**.....Now no wood :(

I got a hard on at my wifes f**...

Guess you could say I had mourning wood.

I was walking by a mental institution on my way to work

And in the yard behind the fence, I heard people shouting "four, four, four...". I was curious so I peeked through the wood planks to see what was happening. Someone jabbed a stick in my eye and then everyone started shouting "five, five, five...".

If you had a wooden car with a wooden engine and wooden tires

It woodent work

How do you trap an elephant?

Well first you dig a really big hole. Then put dry leaves and wood in the hole and light them on fire. Wait for the fire to go out. Then cover the hole with leaves and wait for the elephant to walk by it.
Then, sneak up behind the elephant, and when it least expects it, kick it in the ash hole

w... caught Buzz and Bo Peep having toy s...

w**...: "What's the meaning of this???!!"
Bo Peep: "You got a friend in me..."

Two girls play in the park, one takes wood stick and says:

"my dad's is this big". The other one says: "My dad's is smaller, but it still hurts..."

What do you call an e... at a f...?

Mourning wood.

Woman are like sandpaper

Only useful when rubbed on my wood

I want to make a f**... home in the forest

I'll call it "Mourning Wood"

What do you call a drunk piece of wood?

Hammered.

When did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

When his hand caught fire.

A farmer's wire fence was broken, so he put new wood into the ground and ran wire across it.

This is a repost.

I had a dream in which my favorite pornstar died.

I woke up with mourning wood.

Three blondes in a wood

Three Blondes are walking through a wood.
They come across some tracks on the ground.
The first blonde says "these are deer tracks."
The second blonde says "no, these are bear tracks."
The third blonde says "no, these are fox tracks."
*s**...* and that's when the train hit them.

I hurt myself chopping wood

It was a s**... axeident

A chunk of wood that can make nice beats.

Logarithms...
_Here come the down votes._

I tried to build a computer out of wood, but it wouldn't turn on.

All bark and no byte.

A joke a coworker told me today: What do you get when you combine a cow, a duck, a piece of wood, and a rhino?

Cow the duck wood rhino?

I was going to put a joke on here about carpentry.

But i didn't think it wood work........
so i decided to add some metal work instead,
but i realised it steel wooden work.....

Once upon a time

...there was a Chieftain who presided over a community that lived in the steppe, where everything was grassland as far as the eye could see, and almost no trees grew. Because of its rarity, wood was prized, and this Chieftain happened to own a large, ornate chair made of wood that was his most priceless possession.
Now in this community it was c

Whats the best way to carve a piece of wood?

Whittle by whittle

A lion wouldn't cheat on its mate

But a Tiger Wood

My evening wouldn't normally start out with an e**......

..but my morning wood.

A sailor comes back one morning after a long time at sea

His best buddy died on the ship, so he goes announcing the news, first thing, to his widow. One thing led to another and they are starting to undress, but she suddenly stares at him and stops, asking:

-Why are you only half mast?
-It's mourning wood

Good one from my dad: "I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Came up during a conversation about having a bonfire
Dad "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it"
Me, fully expecting a dad joke: "I don't believe you but would you care to elaborate"
Dad: "It's true! I saw it with my own eyes"
He giggled to himself for about 10 minutes after that one.

Why can't you cook wood in a pan?

Its a non stick pan

A Canadian visits a small church while on holiday in Scotland.

The Canadian is intrigued by the intricately carved pulpit and, being something of a history buff, would like to know more about it so approaches the little old vicar.
"Excuse me sir, would you be so kind as to tell me what the pulpit is made of?"
"Aye. Wood."
"You would?"
"Nay yew, is oak."
"Oak? Eh?"
"Glad to have helped."

A lion would never cheat on his wife

A lion would never cheat on his wife but tiger wood.

What's the best way to carve wood?

Whittle by whittle.

what did the plank of wood say as it lay abandoned and immobile in a field for 50 years?

I'm board.

I get erections at funerals. "Mourning wood," if you will.

It's hard to come up with an original e**... joke. The competition is stiff.

I would look great withan eye made of wood...

wooden eye?

I hate putting holes in and flattening wood

It's so plane and boring.

What is the scientific name of a Weeping Willow?