wood Jokes

A lion would never drive while drunk.

But a tiger wood.

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

I can cut a piece of wood in half by only looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

A lion would never cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood

What did Woody say to Buzz?

A lot. There were 3 movies.

It's true, I can cut a piece of wood just by staring at it

I saw it with my own eyes

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish

I can cut wood using just my eyes

It is true, I saw it with my own eyes

Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.

The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down."
"The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back."
"The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."

What kind of wood makes the best chairs?

Cherry wood.

My girlfriend is like a good carpenter

No wood gets wasted

GUESS WHAT I SAW!

Wood.

My favorite pornstar died last night.

I woke up today with mourning wood.

What does a necrophiliac get at a funeral?

Mourning wood

Girl, are you a termite?

Because you're gonna get a mouthful of wood tonight

My friend decided to take up wood working and he heard this joke at his new work place

A joiner makes sure that what he makes fits with the rest down to the tenth of a millimeter.

A carpenter makes sure it fits down to a millimeter.

A mason makes sure it fits down to the centimeter.

If the painter makes it to the right address, it's a good thing.

When did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

When his hand caught fire.

What do you call an erection at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

How do you trap an elephant?

Well first you dig a really big hole. Then put dry leaves and wood in the hole and light them on fire. Wait for the fire to go out. Then cover the hole with leaves and wait for the elephant to walk by it.
Then, sneak up behind the elephant, and when it least expects it, kick it in the ash hole

Boss told me to glue 2 pieces of wood together

Totally nailed it

Roses are red, Rum is good...

Too much rum..Now no wood :(

I have the ability to cut a piece of wood in half just by staring at it. It's true...

I saw it with my own eyes.

What does a necrophiliac get when he wakes up at the morgue? NSFW

Mourning wood.

I'm sorry.

My favorite tree died earlier.

Now I have mourning wood.

My boss asked me to put two pieces of wood together.

I totally nailed it.

A lion wouldn't cheat on its mate

But a Tiger Wood

If you had a wooden car with a wooden engine and wooden tires

It woodent work