Wood Jokes

What are some Wood jokes?

A lion would never drive while drunk.

But a tiger wood.

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

I can cut a piece of wood in half by only looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

A lion would never cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood

What did Woody say to Buzz?

A lot. There were 3 movies.

It's true, I can cut a piece of wood just by staring at it

I saw it with my own eyes

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish

I can cut wood using just my eyes

It is true, I saw it with my own eyes

The room is 15$ a night.

Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night.
It's $5 if you make your own bed.



Guest: I'll make my own bed.



Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.

The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down."
"The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back."
"The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."

What kind of wood makes the best chairs?

Cherry wood.

My girlfriend is like a good carpenter

No wood gets wasted

GUESS WHAT I SAW!

Wood.

My favorite pornstar died last night.

I woke up today with mourning wood.

What does a necrophiliac get at a funeral?

Mourning wood

Girl, are you a termite?

Because you're gonna get a mouthful of wood tonight

My friend decided to take up wood working and he heard this joke at his new work place

A joiner makes sure that what he makes fits with the rest down to the tenth of a millimeter.

A carpenter makes sure it fits down to a millimeter.

A mason makes sure it fits down to the centimeter.

If the painter makes it to the right address, it's a good thing.

When did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

When his hand caught fire.

What do you call an erection at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

How do you trap an elephant?

Well first you dig a really big hole. Then put dry leaves and wood in the hole and light them on fire. Wait for the fire to go out. Then cover the hole with leaves and wait for the elephant to walk by it.
Then, sneak up behind the elephant, and when it least expects it, kick it in the ash hole

Boss told me to glue 2 pieces of wood together

Totally nailed it

A Woody Joke

What wood happen if you had a Wooden Car


With Wooden Seats


Wooden Tires


And A Wooden Engine?


It Wooden't Start

Good one from my dad: "I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Came up during a conversation about having a bonfire

Dad "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Me, fully expecting a dad joke: "I don't believe you but would you care to elaborate"

Dad: "It's true! I saw it with my own eyes"

He giggled to himself for about 10 minutes after that one.

Roses are red, Rum is good...

Too much rum..Now no wood :(

What does a necrophiliac get when he wakes up at the morgue? NSFW

Mourning wood.

I'm sorry.

My evening wouldn't normally start out with an erection...

..but my morning wood.

My favorite tree died earlier.

Now I have mourning wood.

My boss asked me to put two pieces of wood together.

I totally nailed it.

A lion wouldn't cheat on its mate

But a Tiger Wood

If you had a wooden car with a wooden engine and wooden tires

It woodent work

Whats the best way to carve a piece of wood?

Whittle by whittle

A chunk of wood that can make nice beats.

Logarithms...

_Here come the down votes._

I had a dream in which my favorite pornstar died.

I woke up with mourning wood.

What does a Necrophiliac have when he is turned on?

Mourning Wood

Why do they call wood carving "whittling"?

Because you start with a bigger piece of wood, and you make it whittler.

What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood?

Logger-rhythms.

I always wanted a skateboard.

So one day I asked my mom for a skateboard. She said no as it was too expensive. So I came up with an idea to resolve my problem - I grabbed a plank of wood and some nails.

And beat her to death.

There once was a man who made dead houses.

There once was a man who made dead houses; Stored them under his home with the bugs and the mouses; The coffins he made were of rich sleek wood; He built them as big, yet as fast as he could; For his caskets were haunted and were said to walk; one night he went to his basement, and one started to rock; It moved towards him, his insides began to soften; So he pulled out some Halls, cause Halls stops the coffin.

The Indian Chief thought that it was going to be a bad winter

so he sent all the braves out to collect wood. As he watched them return laden with timber from the forest he suddenly felt that he ought to check his forecast so he phoned the local met office.

"Tell me, is it going to be a bad winter?"

"Yes" said the forecaster " it will be a bad one"

So the Chief told the braves that they didn't have enough wood and sent them back into the forest again. They returned with more wood but once again the Chief had doubts and he called the forecaster to confirm.

"It is going to be a really severe winter" replied the forecaster.

The Chief look at the wood store, decided that more was required and the braves were dispatched back in to forest. The Chief called the forecaster.

"Are you sure it's going to be a really severe winter"

"Look" said the forecaster "its definitely going to be the worst winter on record - the Indians are gathering wood like crazy!""

I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player,

I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, "three wood." I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard "three wood." I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three
wood. I thought it was stupid but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me. At the next whole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog.

That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said, "kiss me." Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said it again. So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room

I want to make a funeral home in the forest

I'll call it "Mourning Wood"

One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet

During winter war soviet general hears someone shouting from wood - "One finnish soldier is better than ten soviet". Angry general sends ten man to deal with annoying Fin. After short period of shots and dying soviets screams, comes another shout - "One finnish soldier is better than hundred soviet". General sends hundred soldier and again none of them comes back. Then general hears third shout - "One finnish soldier is better than thousand soviets". Furious general sends thousand man to deal with him. This time one of his soldiers manage to survive and reports to general - "Sir, please don't send more our troops, it's a trap, there's two of them".

I had a wooden whistle...

And it wooden whistle. So, I got a steel whistle and it steel wooden whistle. Finally I got a tin whistle, now I tin whistle.

Oh, Floyd!

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?''
''Yes, what can I do for you?''
''I'm calling to report my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.''
''Thank you very much for the call, sir.''
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood... only to find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly the phone rings at Virgil's house.
''Hey, Virgil, This here's Floyd... Did the Sheriff come by?''
''Yeah!''
'' Did they chop your firewood for the winter?'' ''Yep!''
Merry Christmas, buddy!''

Three Woodcutters & The Whorehouse

Three woodcutters were finishing up a hard, four-month stint in the forest. They had not seen or heard anything other than the trees and the sound of their axes that entire time. They packed up, and headed to the nearest town.

After getting sufficiently drunk, they decided to visit the town brothel. Upon entering, the madam became nervous at the sight of the three men because she had only two girls working that night. She thought on her feet, and decided to bed the drunkest looking woodcutter with a blow-up doll.

After all was done they met downstairs to compare notes. The drunkest woodcutter said: "She was okay at first, but a little too quiet. So I bit her nipple, then she let out a huge fart and flew out the window."

A man smashed his car into a tollgate.

He really totaled the booth, there was bits of wood everywhere. As he was wondering what on earth to do his friend happens to drive up and has a look at the damage.

"I've got some glue in my car that will fix this in no time" says the friend.

"No way" says the first man, "this booth is smashed into a thousand bits, you can't just glue something like that together."

"Just you watch me" says his friend and sets to work. After about 15 minutes he stands back and the tollgate is all fixed up, good as new!

"Wow, that sure is amazing, what type of glue is that?"

The friend shows him the tube of glue, it is Tollgate Booth Paste.

I got a hard on at my wifes funeral

Guess you could say I had mourning wood.

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor

and says "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he says, "there is a $20 bill lodged up here". Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, only to see another $10 bill appear. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the ten and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on...Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den? The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "$1990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit." says Paddy "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

What do you call a 2x4 that lost its family to a fire?

mourning wood

Three blondes in a wood

Three Blondes are walking through a wood.
They come across some tracks on the ground.
The first blonde says "these are deer tracks."
The second blonde says "no, these are bear tracks."
The third blonde says "no, these are fox tracks."
*smack* and that's when the train hit them.

Three old ladies were sitting at the kitchen table........

.....discussing their problems with getting old. One said,
"Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady says: "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one says: " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have those problems. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said:
"That must be the door, I'll get it!"

Plank goes to a ball game

A small plank of wood goes to Watch a baseball game. For the first few innings, the plank is super into it. But by the seventh inning, its interest starts to fade.

A man nearby notices the fading enjoyment and starts up a conversation.

"Hey man, how you liking the game?" He asks.

"I really like it. I think it's pretty cool" the small plank replies.

"Really," says the man, "cuz it seems to me like you're a little board."

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbour Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house.

"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yeah they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."ο»Ώ

"Honey,my hands are freezing!"

A young couple go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey,my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing ! "
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing ! "
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold? "

(Dr Who joke) Why can't a sonic screwdriver cure erectile dysfunction?

It doesn't do wood.

I was walking by a mental institution on my way to work

And in the yard behind the fence, I heard people shouting "four, four, four...". I was curious so I peeked through the wood planks to see what was happening. Someone jabbed a stick in my eye and then everyone started shouting "five, five, five...".

I don't think a wooden structure is capable of holding up my books.

I have low shelf-confidence.

How stock markets work!

It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the weather man responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied,
'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy.'

This is how stock markets work!

I tried to build a computer out of wood, but it wouldn't turn on.

All bark and no byte.

Did you hear about that new car made entirely from wood? It's crazy! Wooden wheels, wooden windows, wooden engine...

Wooden move.

For my cake day, my favorite joke of all time: 87

There was a well-to-do businessman walking down a city sidewalk to get to his office, when he came across a construction site; he saw piles of tools and stacks of wood and concrete slabs, but no workers. The only person he saw was a lone worker, jumping up and down on top of a manhole. As the businessman walked closer, he could hear the worker shouting "87! 87! 87!" at the top of his lungs.

The businessman was intrigued. He went up to the worker and asked "why are you doing that?" The worker replied "oh man, it's so much fun, you gotta try it!" The businessman was skeptical, but he decided to humor the strange worker.

He stepped onto the manhole, and did a small hop, and mumbled "87." He jumped a little higher, saying "87. Hey, this is kinda fun!" He started jumping as high as he could, shouting "87! 87! 87! at the top of his lungs, when, at the top of his highest jump, the worker pulled the manhole cover out from under him, and he plummeted all the way down to the sewer.

The construction worker looked down the sewer, looked around, put the manhole cover back on, stood on top of it again, and began to jump.

"88! 88! 88!"

How to make Wood jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Wood to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Wood? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Wood pick up lines to share with friends.

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