Wont Jokes

I went to dnate blood today...

Turns out it has to be your own. Now they wont return my mason jars.

A conversation between my mother and my wife.

Wife: Hi mom, I am so happy to see you. How long will you be staying?
Mother-in-Law: As long as you want me to...
Wife: What! you wont even stay for coffee?

So the speed of light, e, and the square root of (-1) walk into a bar...

So the speed of light, *e*, and (-1)^1/2 walk into a bar. The speed of light heads over to the bartender and gets his drink pretty quickly, as he's wont to do. Then (-1)^1/2 goes and orders his drink, and *e* just flips out on him. The square root of -1 asks *e* what's wrong, and he says, "I came in here first, and you just went in front of me!" (-1)^1/2 just says, "Hey, man, I'm just following the rules here!"
Finally, the bartender gets fed up and says, "No, no, no, you idiot, it's *i* before *e* **except** after c!

Jewish woman

why do jewish women only sleep with jewish men? they wont touch anything that isn't 5 percent off.

Life is like a box of chocolates...

It's expensive, you don't like half of it, and sometimes you can give the whole thing to a woman and she still wont have s**... with you.

A skydiver jumps out of a plane...

He is flying through the air and is having a lot of fun.
Then he pulls the chord ... but nothing happens! The parachute wont open!
panicing he pulls the safety chord ... nothing happens again!
He is falling ever so fast, when suddenly a guy comes flying up from beneath him!
The skydiver yells "hey! Do you repair parachutes!?"
The guy yells back! "Nope, gas ovens..."
(english is not my first language, excuse my spelling please)

Whats the Difference between Acne and A priest?

Whats the Difference between acne and a priest? Acne wont come on your face unil youre 13.

Tim Cook just came out as gay...

I wont be surprised if the Samsung CEO suddenly becomes gay too.

Need a dessert s**... joke to say to my girlfriend and I feel like id miss a hugely funny opportunity if I didnt nailed this joke.

Your help will make 2 people's lives very funny for a moment and what could be better than that? Its your civic duty to help out. And i promise she wont be made uncomfortable we are currently in the middle of a dirty exchange so I would definitely know by now naw meen?

Why did the squirrel swim on its back?

so it wont get its nuts wet

You call it stalking, I call it stalking.

See how much we have in common! Why wont you let me love you!

Marshawn, what makes you so good at hide and seek?

I'm just here so i wont get find

19th Century kids wont get this.

Ever read the book "A Race To The Bathroom"?

by w**... Makeit and Betty Wont.

A panda walks into a restaurant

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders one of everything. The panda finishes up his meal and his bill comes the panda stands up and shoots the waiter. The manager comes out of the back and goes you've eaten all my food and shot my staff and wont even pay your bill what's wrong with you? The panda reply's "I'm a panda look me up in the dictionary" The manager goes and gets a dictionary he looks up panda and the definition is "Eats shoots and leaves"

A blond is walking down the beach...

and see's a man flailing his arms wildly in the water. He's yelling Help, Shark, Help!
The blond yells back, no you idiot, you have to swim, that shark wont help you!"

My girlfriend has a weird f**....

She likes to dress up and pretend like she's thirteen. Totally weird right! I keep telling her she wont be thirteen for four years.

Five emos in a room

A study has shown that if you put five emos in a room, one of them will eventually kill himself because he wont have a corner to cry in.

You know you're getting old...

when you walk past two priests and they wont even glance at you.

I made just one mistake last night and my wife wont stop giving me the death stare.

Excessive choking.

Tell a girl shes pretty 100 times she wont believe you Tell a girl shes fat once and she'll remember it forever

cause elephants never forget

Great Britain announced that they wont partipicate in Eurovision

Because everyone is taking their points

New guy at work is getting all the attention because of his third n**......

He wont stop milking it!

Apple just announced new plans for the iPhone 8...

It wont be a physical device, it will be iMaginary!

My girlfriend just emailed me a photo of us on our first date together. It's a very treasured memory for me. Problem is, the file wont open on my computer.

I guess I have emotional attachment issues.

With both Trump and m**... winning, we wont have worry about living in 1984

We can settle with a Brave New World.

I got my vegan girlfriend a Venus Fly Trap, and she converted it.

Now it wont blow me either :(

I love self depricating humor

Its another thing that wont love me back

My programmer friend keeps telling me I'm using too many brackets.

I keep telling him that two wont hold all those books he never reads.

The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed

"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.
"It's an inside joke."

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A group of them, but it doesn't matter they wont change anything.

College Degree

Forget everything you've learned in college, you wont need it here.
I didn't go to college.
Oh sorry you're not qualified for the job

The pregnant woman sitting across from me on the train laughed.

I asked her
"What's so funny?"
She smiled and replied.
"My baby just told me something."
I was shocked!
"Really? What did he say!"
She grins.
"Oh you wont get it, it's an inside joke."

Millennials wont get this

vaccines

A Jewish boy got a new German girlfriend

One night, after insane and wild s**..., she goes into the shower, and whisper seductively "come join me in the shower, babe".
He frowns "Oh I wont fall for that one again".

I should write a book about procrastination..

But I'm a terrible writer, so I probably wont.

So we wont see season 8 of Game of Thrones until 2019

They're really dragon it out

I went to my in-laws for dinner

An argument inevitably broke out and my wife told me not to take sides.
I told her "they wont notice", as I slid the roast potatoes into my pocket "they are to distracted"

My wife asked me to pass the lip balm....

...by mistake I gave her the super glue and now she wont talk to me.

My son says that Detroit: Become Human wont run on his console

That's weird, everyone usually run so fast in Detroit...

Whats the difference between a chick pea and a lentil?

I wont pay 200$ for a lentil on my face 😀

My son asked me why midgets were like that

I told him that they did not eat enough vegetables, now he is saying that he wants to become a midget and wont eat vegetables smh.

Gaming s**... Robot

I brought a s**... robot from EA and it's so realistic. It wont have s**... with me until I buy Cosmetic Item add-ons.

Robin: Batman, the batmobile wont work...

Batman: did you check the battery?
Robin: what's a tery

Why wont America ever switch to using coins like in the EU?

Because conservatives don't like change.

Das ist lang...

and other things my German girlfriend wont be saying tonight

My mom wont let me go see the new pirate movie...

Because its rated NC-17 for all of the b**... it shows the pirates fighting over.

The Patriots had to re-sod their field.

Even the grass wont root for them.

I wanna write a mystery novel

Or do i?
I have actually written one
Or have i?
I am sorry i wont do this again
Or wil i?

What do you call a Russian bee that wont talk?

KGB

What do you call a deaf priest ?

What ever you want, he wont hear you .

Alone

if y'all dont want to be alone, watch a scary movie at night and you wont feel alone.

Man comes home furious from work

And the wife asks what has happened
Angrily the man replies - I wont ever work there if my boss doesn't take his words back!
The wife asks - What so terrible did he say?

Reluctantly the man answers - YOU'RE FIRED!

2 morticians are standing by the coffee machine

"Man, you wont believe what I experienced today. I had a woman with a c**... like a pickle" says one of them.
"What?!" says the other one "That big?!"
"No," says the man "That sour"

I guess there wont be many flowers this May

because of how few showers I took this April.

I searched Reddit and this joke hasn't been posted.

USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were Yugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.
This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and JINA and the lame-stream media.
​
After months of testing, costing $2.65 billion in congressional spending and firing of 25+ people, the special prosecutor appointed by Trump presented the following findings.
* The stamps have no manufacturing defects.
* There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
* People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

A BOY TELLS HIS DAD CORONA WONT LAST LONG

The dad asks why and the boy replies it's made in china.

You wont hear a pterodactyl urinate

..because its pee is silent

A young girl walks into a library and asks for a book about s**...

Get lost you wont return it anyway

My friend was testing his mic for discord, I told him to get a Scope

So he wont have Troubleshooting

Got a Covid 19 joke for ya'll

But 99.26 of yall wont get it

A couple of good covid jokes I've heard

1. I dont know anything about Coronavirus other than if you have it; you get an undeniable urge to go the airport.
2. By the point most of the world has been exposed to covid 19, but the people in Wuhan got it right of the bat.
3. You know why I think coronavirus wont last for more than a year.
WHY?
coz it's made in China.
4. I dont think anyone saw a worldwide pandemic happening this year. I guess most people don't have 2020 vision.

I have a cyberpunk 2077 joke

but i wont release it