Won Jokes
115 won jokes and hilarious won puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about won that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article will help you to be the life of the party. Learn to make jokes about 'winning' and 'losing' - and make sure to have the last laugh! Discover the best jokes about being the winner, and how to make light-hearted fun of being the loser. Get ready to take your victory in stride with some hilarious jokes!
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Funniest Won Short Jokes
Short won jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The won humour may include short winner jokes also.
- "You're telling me that I'm losing my job because donald trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!" "Mister President, we've been over this..."
- COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.
- Call a girl beautiful 1,000 time and she won't think twice... Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.
Because elephants never forget - If I won 298 million, I'd give a quarter of it to charity. ...I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
- I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them. You won't catch me doing that today.
- At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you. Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.
- How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask? Ask them who won the election.
- I asked my maths teacher, "Will we ever use any of this algebra?" She said, "You won't, but some of the smart kids might."
- My carbon monoxide detector won't stop beeping. It's giving me a headache, and dizziness, and nausea.
- After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids We think the doctor would do a way better job than us
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Won One Liners
Which won one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with won? I can suggest the ones about prize and award.
- Breaking: Donald Trump has just won another state. Denial.
- '90s kids won't get this Social security
- "I won't use stores that gender kids' beds" "Like a boycott?"
"Don't you start" - Who won the presidential debate last night? People who didn't watch
- 90's kids won't get this 😂😂 Affordable housing prices
- Her: Let's exchange numbers Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?
- I won't control what you do on the internet but Theresa May
- You know why Mayweather won't beat Pacquiao? Pacquiao isn't his wife.
- La La Land wins Oscar in Best Picture But Moonlight won the popular vote
- Never try to hi-five Logan Paul You won't be the first person he's left hanging.
- Robin: The batmobile won't start. Batman: Check the battery Robin: What's a tery
- Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball? Because Africa isn't a country.
- If I don't perfect Human Cloning... ...I won't be able to live with myself
- I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup. It was Won Ton.
- I accidentally clicked on a "You've won an iPhone"-popup. Luckliy it was only a virus.
Ive Won Jokes
Here is a list of funny ive won jokes and even better ive won puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The manager of my local Walmart brought me to court today He won by a long shot, I'm not that great at basketball, but Ive challenged him to a rematch in Smash wish me luck!
I Won Jokes
Here is a list of funny i won jokes and even better i won puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else Click bait.
- I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place! My dog came in third.
- My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."
- Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious
- Cheer up Hilary! At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.
- Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage Kid: Why did you do that dad?
Dad: So you won't get bored there. - Give a man a jacket He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.
- Apparently Monica Lewinsky won't be voting for Hillary Clinton this election She says the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth
- I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
- If you ever feel lonely... just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.
Uplifting Won Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about won you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean victory jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make won pranks.
Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race
Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest
Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes
Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes
Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic
Until Bush did 9:11
If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...
Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!
I don't understand why they say hundreds of people lost in Squid Game.
In the end, 45.6 billion won.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
COWBOY TOMBSTONE JOKE
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me
America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against Vietnam
It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.
Astronaut found out he won the lottery while he was in space
Apparently when he found out he was over the moon
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My daughter, 10, won tonight
My wife and I were stepping out to the neighbors for a get together and she is staying home tonight, so I reviewed the ground rules - don't answer the door, let the dog out the back door, call us if you need, etc.
She looked at me and said You know the rules, and so do I
Rickrolled as a dad joke.
Later, called to remind her to let the dog, who is a white goldendoodle, out. Speech to text s**... up and put make sure Ginger isn't at the door into make sure Ginger isn't at the bar
The reply?
Too late, she's white dog wasted
We have a natural here…
My wife accused me of achieving nothing...
So I told her "well I won the Leslie Neilsen award at school."
"What's that?" she said
"It's a big building with kids in it"
Old Soviet joke.
Reagan and Gorbachev run a marathon.
Reagan won.
Next day US newspapers: Reagan won. Gorgachev lost .
Soviet newspapers: Gorbachev finished second. Reagan finished next to last .
The war in Afghanistan ended after 20 years, who won?
Raytheon, General Dynamics, Northrop Grumman, Boeing and Lockheed Martin
British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final
Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k
My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible.
I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!
You know how people were joking about 2021 sounding like 2020 won ?
Well, next year is 2020 too.
Only when that year is over will it finally be 2020 free.
What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?
I've won, but at what cost?
Russia has announced early results from the election
The election isn't until tomorrow, but they've already announced that Putin has won.
And God said to John: "Come forth and receive eternal life".
But he came fifth and won a toaster.
Why wasn't 6 excited that 7 won a prize for her?
Because 711452.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A barbarian s**... in Rome somehow won the attention of Caesar's daughter
They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to o**... s**... only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the crowd, regretted his poor judgment.
Eventually, though, he was gladiator.
24-year old Tai Jinhai came in first during the Beijing Marathon, but they gave the gold medal to the son of a prominent party official instead.
To this day, the Chinese government refuses to acknowledge Tai won.
My girlfriend asked me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"
And I answered: "Of course! I'd miss you, but I still love you"
Who won the first Tour De France?
The 2nd Panzer Division.
I wouldn't be mad.
And the Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life". But John came fifth and won a toaster.
The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....
...General Lee speaking
Two blondes in a helicopter
Two blondes won a joy ride in a helicopter. As they reached maximum altitude one turned to the other and said "I hope nothing goes wrong, have they got enough fuel?" The other responded "I hope so too, imagine if they ran out, we'd be stuck up here forever!"
French Jokes
Who won the first Tour de France?
The 6th Panzer division.
Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
To see the front line.
How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?
No one knows.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon
You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just s**... on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won
I got so drunk last night
I got so drunk last night I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian.
Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.
My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't
The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.
How do Australians know who won the chess game?
They check, mate.
PSA: IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL SAYING, "You've won two free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!" DO NOT OPEN IT.
It contains two tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.
My wife died and I won the lottery.
The genie says I have one wish left.
I've just won the 2013 'Most secretive person' award.
I can't tell you how much it means to me.
I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,
I beat the raining champion.
A man runs home after winning the lottery
"Honey honey! We won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
"Oh my god that's amazing! Where are we going?!"
"I don't care, just get out!"
I was in a long staring contest with the sun.
Everything is dark now, dare I say it, I must have won.
Who won the race between the priest and the nun?
It was the priest, because he "pastor" a while back.
I just came up with this one at the breakfast table for those who are curious.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A beautiful blonde walks up to a craps table...
She bets ten thousand on one roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm n**...."
She strips down and rolls the dice. When she sees the dice she jumps for joy screaming "I won! I won!" She hugs the dealers, takes her winnings and leaves.
Finally, one of the dealers asks, "What did she roll?" The other says, "I thought you were watching!"
It goes to show: Not all blondes are dumb, but men will always be men.
Putin recently won the election with about 77 percent of the vote,
Over the next few weeks Russia will see a 23 percent population decrease.
I was visiting NYC for the first time when a black guy walked up to me and asked if the Yankees won
I said, "yeah man, you're free!"
If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to share it with everyone.
Not the money, just going to let you know that I've won.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
China won bronze in gymnastics at the Sydney 2000 Olympics but were stripped of the medal after it was revealed that d**... Fangxiao was under the minimum age of 16
And they would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those medalling kids.
My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time.
He got a trophy.
And the Lord said to Peter 'Come forth and receive eternal life'
Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"
The five kids answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."
I couldn't afford an Ancestry DNA kit...
So I just announced that I had won the lottery. I soon found out to all my relatives are.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the no-bell prize.
One one was a racehorse
One two was one too
One one won one race
One two won one too
Told to me by a six year old.
Why was the snow yellow?
Because Elsa let it go!
I am a waiter and I have regular family every week on Monday. I exchange jokes with the youngest boy and he always wins free dessert. This week however he won a free meal for the whole family. I laughed til I made yellow snow
Edit. Did not know it was my cake day! I think this is my first joke post. Just wanted to share.
You don't need an Ancestry DNA kit to find out who your relatives are.
Just tell everyone that you've won the lottery.
Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery?
...when he found out, the guy went nut.
In honor of the Powerball
A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"
A man comes home to his wife after winning the lottery
The man says to his wife, "Honey, if I were to win the lottery, what would you do?"
The wife becomes started by her husband's inquiry but replies, "Well I would take half of it and then leave you."
With a huge grin on his face, her husband says, "Perfect! I won ten dollars!"
Three bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...
"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, who had a heart attack while making love to his mistress, hence the smile." says the coroner.
Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won the lottery and spent all his money on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Ah!" says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Sean, the Irishman, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is *he* smiling then?"
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
*My grandfather told me this one as a kid so I hope you enjoyed!*
Donald Trump claims he won the election by a landslide
How else would you describe his campaign other than a 'natural disaster'?
100 years ago, a poor Polish immigrant was begging for money in New York city
Suddenly, a stranger appears and starts to talk with her.
Stranger: What is your name, sad lady
Lady: My name is Edit, I am the daughter of Solomon and Alta. I am asking for help because I have nothing to eat
Stranger: I just won this golden coin in a game of poker. I feel guilty for keeping something earned so dishonestly. Looks like you could have better use for it.
I'm from a future where Trump won re-election and solved Global Warming
Just a heads up though, nuclear winter is a bit chilly.
What small thing screams "I'm rich"?
A dwarf who just won the lottery.
I won a 1v5 fight today
Man we creamed that guy!
The Queen just phoned to say I have won a knighthood!
It was a complete Sir prize
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked if I would divorce her if I won the lottery. I said no, of course.
With that kind of money, I could afford a hit man.
How much does 2000 pounds of Chinese noodles weigh?
Won Ton
George W. Bush challenged Arnold Schwarzenegger to a push-up contest.
George W. Bush challenged Arnold Schwarzenegger to a push-up contest. Schwarzenegger did 910 push-ups. Bush won because he did 911.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face. The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...
"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, 60, who died of heart failure while making love to his mistress, hence the enormous smile." says the coroner.
"Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars in the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Ok, so what about the third body?"
"Ah!" says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the r**... from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is *he* smiling then?"
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
What's the only prize that Gaston won in Beauty and the Beast?
The No Belle prize.
Which knight never won a battle?
Sir Render
Floyd Mayweather won because of an unfair advantage.
He gets to practice in the gym all day and then goes home and practices on his family.
3 farmers.
3 farmers were sitting at the local cafe drinking coffee. The subject of the lottery and what they would do if they won came up.
"I think I would take some time off and go on a cruise. I've always wanted to go on a cruise." Said the first farmer.
"First thing I would do is buy a fancy sports car. I've always wanted a fast car." said the second farmer.
The third farmer was sitting quietly, fidgeting a little. "Come on, what would you do with your millions?" Asked the other two farmers.
Reluctantly the third farmer answered "I reckon I would just go on farming like I have been until the money runs out"
