Won Jokes

Following is our collection of prize puns and award one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Won jokes for adults, dirty victory jokes and clean pulitzer dad gags for kids.

The Best Won Puns

"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!"

"Mister President, we've been over this..."

Breaking: Donald Trump has just won another state.

Denial.

two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud? .

God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232 .

After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, This goes higher up than we thought .

If I won 298 million, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.

...I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.

At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you.

Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.


Who won the presidential debate last night?

People who didn't watch

I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place!

My dog came in third.

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $2,999,999.75.

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest


Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes

Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes


Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic

Until Bush did 9:11

If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...

Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!


La La Land wins Oscar in Best Picture

But Moonlight won the popular vote

If Hillary Clinton won she would've been the first F president.

I didn't say female because someone deleted the emale.

COWBOY TOMBSTONE JOKE

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me

Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball?

Because Africa isn't a country.

Old Soviet joke.

Reagan and Gorbachev run a marathon.

Reagan won.

Next day US newspapers: Reagan won. Gorgachev lost .

Soviet newspapers: Gorbachev finished second. Reagan finished next to last .

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.

It was Won Ton.

I accidentally clicked on a "You've won an iPhone"-popup.

Luckliy it was only a virus.

My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible.

I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!


What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?

I've won, but at what cost?

Why wasn't 6 excited that 7 won a prize for her?

Because 711452.

My girlfriend asked me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

And I answered: "Of course! I'd miss you, but I still love you"

Who won the first Tour De France?

The 2nd Panzer Division.

I wouldn't be mad.

And the Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life". But John came fifth and won a toaster.

The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....

...General Lee speaking

I used to own a racing snail...

It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish

Two blondes in a helicopter

Two blondes won a joy ride in a helicopter. As they reached maximum altitude one turned to the other and said "I hope nothing goes wrong, have they got enough fuel?" The other responded "I hope so too, imagine if they ran out, we'd be stuck up here forever!"

French Jokes

Who won the first Tour de France?
The 6th Panzer division.

Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
To see the front line.

How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?
No one knows.

I got so drunk last night

I got so drunk last night I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.

My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't

The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.

How do Australians know who won the chess game?

They check, mate.

PSA: IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL SAYING, "You've won two free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!" DO NOT OPEN IT.

It contains two tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.

My wife died and I won the lottery.

The genie says I have one wish left.

I've just won the 2013 'Most secretive person' award.

I can't tell you how much it means to me.

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

A man runs home after winning the lottery

"Honey honey! We won the lottery! Pack your bags!"

"Oh my god that's amazing! Where are we going?!"

"I don't care, just get out!"

I was in a long staring contest with the sun.

Everything is dark now, dare I say it, I must have won.

A beautiful blonde walks up to a craps table...

She bets ten thousand on one roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm nude."

She strips down and rolls the dice. When she sees the dice she jumps for joy screaming "I won! I won!" She hugs the dealers, takes her winnings and leaves.

Finally, one of the dealers asks, "What did she roll?" The other says, "I thought you were watching!"

It goes to show: Not all blondes are dumb, but men will always be men.

I just won $1,000,000, and I've decided to give a quarter to charity.

Now I have $999,999.75.

I was visiting NYC for the first time when a black guy walked up to me and asked if the Yankees won

I said, "yeah man, you're free!"

If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to share it with everyone.

Not the money, just going to let you know that I've won.

Putin recently won the election with about 77 percent of the vote,

Over the next few weeks Russia will see a 23 percent population decrease.

China won bronze in gymnastics at the Sydney 2000 Olympics but were stripped of the medal after it was revealed that Dong Fangxiao was under the minimum age of 16

And they would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those medalling kids.

My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time.

He got a trophy.

And the Lord said to Peter 'Come forth and receive eternal life'

Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

The five kids answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."

Snail Racing

My friend owned a racing snail. It never won any races so he removed the shell to make it go faster. Sadly it didn't work, if anything it made it more sluggish

A dad joke with which we can all sympathize

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should get the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in union, "Okay, dad. You get the toy."

One one was a racehorse

One two was one too
One one won one race
One two won one too

What does a Dallas Cowboys fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl?

He turns off the PlayStation.

And Jesus said unto Peter, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal glory"

But Peter came fifth, and won only a toaster.

If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.

Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75

In honor of the Powerball

A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

There is an abundance of win jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 53 funniest jokes and won puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any trophy witze you can hear about won.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes