Women Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

I like my women like I like my whiskey.

12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.

I like my women like I like my coffee

I've never had coffee but it smells really nice

After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

I like my women like I like my slaves

Educated and free.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife

She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines...

They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.

Why do Jews get Circumcised?

Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

XXXTentacion just beat Taylor Swift's Spotify streaming record

Even in the afterlife, XXX is still beating women

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men.

So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers

So if you're a good driver watch out.

Women's ass size study

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses and the results were pretty interesting.

30% of women think their ass is too fat,
10% of women think their ass is too skinny,
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn't trade him for the world

Why are all Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off

If men call short women petite. What do women call short men?

Friends.

I'm starting a support group for women that can't reach orgasm.

If you can't come let me know.

My penis is a gentleman.

It stands up so women have a place to sit down.

Female Scotties

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing I remember.

I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women.

I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?

She replies: Why?

I say: You will see in 20 seconds.

Stranger guy with a sexy women in a hotel lobby.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room no 99.

When I tell women about my 12 donkey dick...

They're like ooh I want to see it


But when I take it out of the freezer, they're all I have to be going.

Why are women and children evacuated first?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

I like my women like I like my mathematical constants.

Round and irrational.

Happy Pi Day everyone!

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body, but I'm so polite...

...I only look at the covered parts.

Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ?

So men may think on a solution in silence

Minorities play the race card. Women play the gender card. Homosexuals play the gay card. What's left for straight white men?

The Trump card.

Women are like Hurricanes

They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH

I like my women how I like my computer.

On my lap.
Turned on.
Virus free.

A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining

And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

Minorities have the race card, women have the gender card, homosexuals have the gay card, but what do discriminatory white men have?

The Trump card.

When my wife left, I was sad and lonely

So I got a dog, a new motorbike, shagged 2 women and blew a grand on drugs and alcohol.
She's going to go fucking nuts when she gets back from work.

Women say their number one fear of online dating is the guy will be a serial killer. Men say their number one fear is the woman will be fat.

Two Romans were in a bar having a conversation..

Roman 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with

Roman 2: mmm?

Roman 1: don't be ridiculous, not that many

Why do Jews get circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.

What does every women in the world want?

Nothing, they're fine.

My girlfriend asked me to name...

My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.

I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

I like my women like I like my microwave

Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

5 advices to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,

2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,

3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,

4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,

5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

A man asks god...

Man:"Why did you make women so beautiful?"
God:"So you would love her."
Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb?"
God:"So she would love you."

Small Head

A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"
He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had sex with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have sex with me. She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, "Would a little head be out of the question?"

So I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the women officer she looked stunning..

Then I fucked up by telling her "and that's not even the drinks talking".

I heard its easy to convince women not to eat tide pods..

but it's a lot harder to **deter gents**.

After my wife died, I haven't been able to look at other women for 10 years...

But now that I'm out of prison I can honestly say that it was worth it.

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

Women have eggs and milk in them...

And they say that they don't belong in the kitchen.

Why can't two women play monopoly together?

There's only one iron.

Most serial killers are men.

That's because women like to kill one man slowly over many many years.

Whats similar between a hurricane and women?

They come in hot and wet and leave with **THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARA YOU BITCH!**

When women wear a bikini, they expose 90% of their bodies.....

Men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands...

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

When a women removes polish with chemicals,no one bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit.

What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?

Wedding cake

A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.

They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"

"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.

"I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"

What are the funniest women jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Women? Well, here are the best Women puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Women pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes