The Best 66 Women Jokes

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

I like my women like I like my whiskey.

12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.

I like my women like I like my coffee

I've never had coffee but it smells really nice

After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

I like my women like I like my slaves

Educated and free.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

5 advices to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,

2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,

3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,

4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,

5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.

They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"

"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.

"I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"

Small Head

A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"
He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had sex with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have sex with me. She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, "Would a little head be out of the question?"

Women say their number one fear of online dating is the guy will be a serial killer. Men say their number one fear is the woman will be fat.

A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining

And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

Bruce Jenner winning woman of the year just proves that men are better than women at everything, including being a woman

A man asks god...

Man:"Why did you make women so beautiful?"
God:"So you would love her."
Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb?"
God:"So she would love you."

Minorities have the race card, women have the gender card, homosexuals have the gay card, but what do discriminatory white men have?

The Trump card.

I like my women how I like my computer.

On my lap.
Turned on.
Virus free.

I'm really conflicted about abortion.

I support killing babies, but I don't support giving women a choice.

I like my women like I like my microwave

Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.

I met a pretty girl.

Today i asked a pretty young homeless women if i could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when i walked off with her cardboard box.

Women have eggs and milk in them...

And they say that they don't belong in the kitchen.

After my wife died, I haven't been able to look at other women for 10 years...

But now that I'm out of prison I can honestly say that it was worth it.

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?

Wedding cake

When women wear a bikini, they expose 90% of their bodies.....

Men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

Why are women and children evacuated first?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

My girlfriend asked me to name...

My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.

I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

Why are all Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off

Why can't two women play monopoly together?

There's only one iron.

The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines...

They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.

Two Romans were in a bar having a conversation..

Roman 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with

Roman 2: mmm?

Roman 1: don't be ridiculous, not that many

Mayweather is actually 54-0

If you count the women

Why do Jews get Circumcised?

Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off

What does every women in the world want?

Nothing, they're fine.

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers

So if you're a good driver watch out.

I heard its easy to convince women not to eat tide pods..

but it's a lot harder to **deter gents**.

If men call short women petite. What do women call short men?

Friends.

I like my women like I like my mathematical constants.

Round and irrational.

Happy Pi Day everyone!

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body, but I'm so polite...

...I only look at the covered parts.

Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ?

So men may think on a solution in silence

Which is more important to women, length or girth?

Turns out it's consent.

Minorities play the race card. Women play the gender card. Homosexuals play the gay card. What's left for straight white men?

The Trump card.

XXXTentacion just beat Taylor Swift's Spotify streaming record

Even in the afterlife, XXX is still beating women

Most serial killers are men.

That's because women like to kill one man slowly over many many years.

I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women.

I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?

She replies: Why?

I say: You will see in 20 seconds.

Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands...

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, They must be French, they're naked and they're eating fruit.

The Englishman says, Clearly, they're English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.

The Soviet replies, No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.

Why are women so bad at parking cars?

Because for the last 200 years they've been told that three inches are actually six.

The female janitor in my building asked if I would smoke some weed with her.

I said no; I can't deal with high maintenance women.

My hot flight attendant asked how I like my coffee

Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that's when she told me "That's cute honey, but the coffee's free. You don't have to pay for it here!"

I asked my phone "Siri, why am I so bad with women?"

She said "I'm Alexa you moron."

I like my women like I like my passwords

Short and insecure

Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee

He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

The first is a super hero, the other is simply a command.



PS: It's a joke, women are awesome.

I was telling my friend in the pub about how I was having sex with this woman and she farted.

"I imagine that doesn't happen very often," he replied.

"No," I joked, "I didn't even know women did it."

He said, "I wasn't referring to that part."

I like my women like I like my chicken

Boneless

What do you say to a bass player with a beautiful women on his arm?

Nice tattoo!

Gender roles are changing. Nowadays some women get mad when you hold a car door open.

Particularly the ones on bikes.

A racist, a misandrist and a misanthropist kills Thanos

The racist, Tyrone, says: "I need it - so I can remove all the asian people. I really don't like them".

The misandrist, Evelyn, says: "No I need it more - so I can remove all men from existence!"

"Don't be silly! If you remove all the men, women will die out too!" Tyrone shouts out angrily.

While Tyrone and Evelyn argue. Jacob, the misanthropist takes the gauntlet and says: "Don't worry guys today is your lucky day, I got you both covered and then some!"

Guy at the beach was surrounded by beautiful, horny women. They couldn't keep their hands off of him! When he went to the bathroom, I walked up and asked his secret....he told me that he puts a potato in his swim trunks before coming to the beach.

So, the next day at the beach, I put a potato in my swim trunks but EVERYONE started to laugh at me!

The guy who told me his secret saw me and yelled:

No! Put it in the *FRONT* of your trunks!

Jokes about women aren't funny.

Period.

A major difference between men and women

is if a woman says "Sniff this." it usually smells nice.