The Best 66 Women Jokes

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

I like my women like I like my whiskey.

12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.

I like my women like I like my coffee

I've never had coffee but it smells really nice

After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

I like my women like I like my slaves

Educated and free.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

5 advices to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,

2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,

3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,

4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,

5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

Small Head

A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"
He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had sex with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have sex with me. She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, "Would a little head be out of the question?"

Women say their number one fear of online dating is the guy will be a serial killer. Men say their number one fear is the woman will be fat.

A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining

And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

A man asks god...

Man:"Why did you make women so beautiful?"
God:"So you would love her."
Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb?"
God:"So she would love you."

Minorities have the race card, women have the gender card, homosexuals have the gay card, but what do discriminatory white men have?

The Trump card.

I like my women how I like my computer.

On my lap.
Turned on.
Virus free.

I like my women like I like my microwave

Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.

Women have eggs and milk in them...

And they say that they don't belong in the kitchen.

After my wife died, I haven't been able to look at other women for 10 years...

But now that I'm out of prison I can honestly say that it was worth it.

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

Why are women and children evacuated first?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

My girlfriend asked me to name...

My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.

I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

Why are all Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off

Why can't two women play monopoly together?

There's only one iron.

The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines...

They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.

Two Romans were in a bar having a conversation..

Roman 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with

Roman 2: mmm?

Roman 1: don't be ridiculous, not that many

Why do Jews get Circumcised?

Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off

What does every women in the world want?

Nothing, they're fine.

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers

So if you're a good driver watch out.

I heard its easy to convince women not to eat tide pods..

but it's a lot harder to **deter gents**.

If men call short women petite. What do women call short men?

Friends.

I like my women like I like my mathematical constants.

Round and irrational.

Happy Pi Day everyone!

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body, but I'm so polite...

...I only look at the covered parts.

Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ?

So men may think on a solution in silence

Minorities play the race card. Women play the gender card. Homosexuals play the gay card. What's left for straight white men?

The Trump card.

XXXTentacion just beat Taylor Swift's Spotify streaming record

Even in the afterlife, XXX is still beating women

Most serial killers are men.

That's because women like to kill one man slowly over many many years.

I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women.

I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?

She replies: Why?

I say: You will see in 20 seconds.

Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands...

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

Why are women so bad at parking cars?

Because for the last 200 years they've been told that three inches are actually six.

The female janitor in my building asked if I would smoke some weed with her.

I said no; I can't deal with high maintenance women.

My hot flight attendant asked how I like my coffee

Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that's when she told me "That's cute honey, but the coffee's free. You don't have to pay for it here!"

I like my women like I like my passwords

Short and insecure

Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee

He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

The first is a super hero, the other is simply a command.



PS: It's a joke, women are awesome.

What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you?

Bi-yourself.

What's the difference between the Taliban and Texas?

The Taliban requires women to wear masks

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"

Have you ever considered being more interesting?

Guide for Russian troops: How to identify Ukrainians

Sometimes Ukrainian saboteurs try to pass off as Russian troops. The easiest way to identify them is to remove their pants and examine their genitalia. All Ukrainians have balls of steel. Even women.

The wage gap isn't real.

Men simply focus on getting the higher paying jobs like scientist, doctor, engineer. Meanwhile, women tend to go towards the lower paying jobs, like female scientist, female doctor and female engineer.

How many trans women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, and you don't even need the lightbulb. Just tell her she's a lovely girl, and she'll brighten up the room instantly.

A suicide bomber went to heaven.

The Angel at the front desk greeted him.

"Hi, welcome. There are 72 very horny virgins waiting for you!"

"I knew it! said the bomber. "Bring me the women!"

The Angel smiled.

"Who mentioned women?"

Why do trans women go by she/her?

Because if they went by her/she they'd be chocolate

I like my women how I like my coffee

I'm not fussy, I'll have whatever's available. Thanks.

I like my women how I like my COVID

19, breathtaking, and easy to spread

Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga …

And 100% of men don't care.

I feel terrible for women who work for the USPS or other postal services....

It's such a mail-dominated industry

If I had a $ for every time a woman thought of me as unattractive

women would think I'm attractive

When do women in prison get their period?

At the end of their sentence.

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and thinks he's hit the jackpot. He's the only man in a bar full of women. He sits down next to two good looking ladies and tries to start a conversation. They look at him and say Don't you realize where you are? We're lesbians. He quickly responds Really? What's it like to live in Beirut?

Why don't Canadian women wear sleevless dresses?

Because they aren't allowed to bare arms.

A single guy walks into a bar

A single guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've been trying that online dating thing. Almost every single girl has the same old line in their profile," he tells the bartender. "Oh yeah, what line is that?" the bartender asks. "They all say, 'If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote,'" the guy says. "Well the joke's on them. I've been turning women off without a remote for years."

Why do women play with their hair?

Because they don't have balls

I'm thinking of starting a beauty pageant for women with Alzheimer's.

The winner will be crowned Miss Remember.