Uplifting Women Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some w**... with her
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
I like my women like I like my whiskey.
12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
I like my women like I like my coffee
I've never had coffee but it smells really nice
After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years
But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it
A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'
'Mmm?'
'Not that many!'
I like my women like I like my slaves
Educated and free.
My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...
She couldn't do either!
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...
Their knees.
(Not sure if this one translates well to english)
5 advices to men for a happy life
1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,
2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,
3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,
4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,
5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.
Small Head
A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"
He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had s**... with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have s**... with me. She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, "Would a little head be out of the question?"
You can explore women people reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean women feminism dad jokes. There are also women puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Women say their number one fear of online dating is the guy will be a serial killer. Men say their number one fear is the woman will be fat.
A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining
And says "ladies, is anything ok?"
A man asks god...
Man:"Why did you make women so beautiful?"
God:"So you would love her."
Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb?"
God:"So she would love you."
Minorities have the race card, women have the gender card, homosexuals have the gay card, but what do discriminatory white men have?
The Trump card.
I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap.
Turned on.
Virus free.
I like my women like I like my microwave
Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.
Women have eggs and milk in them...
And they say that they don't belong in the kitchen.
After my wife died, I haven't been able to look at other women for 10 years...
But now that I'm out of prison I can honestly say that it was worth it.
Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and o**...
But not my Sister.
My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"
I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."
When women wear a bikini, they expose 90% of their bodies.....
Men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
Why are women and children evacuated first?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
My girlfriend asked me to name...
My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.
I probably should've stopped when I got to her.
Why are all Jewish men circumcised?
Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off
Why can't two women play monopoly together?
There's only one iron.
The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines...
They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.
Two Romans were in a bar having a conversation..
Roman 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don't be ridiculous, not that many
Why do Jews get Circumcised?
Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off
What does every women in the world want?
Nothing, they're fine.
A lot of women actually turn into good drivers
So if you're a good driver watch out.
I heard its easy to convince women not to eat tide pods..
but it's a lot harder to **deter gents**.
If men call short women petite. What do women call short men?
Friends.
I like my women like I like my mathematical constants.
Round and irrational.
Happy Pi Day everyone!
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body, but I'm so polite...
...I only look at the covered parts.
Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ?
So men may think on a solution in silence
Minorities play the race card. Women play the gender card. Homosexuals play the gay card. What's left for straight white men?
The Trump card.
XXXTentacion just beat Taylor Swift's Spotify streaming record
Even in the afterlife, x**... is still beating women
Most serial killers are men.
That's because women like to kill one man slowly over many many years.
I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women.
I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?
She replies: Why?
I say: You will see in 20 seconds.
Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands...
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific so I said
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
Why are women so bad at parking cars?
Because for the last 200 years they've been told that three inches are actually six.
The female janitor in my building asked if I would smoke some w**... with her.
I said no; I can't deal with high maintenance women.
My hot flight attendant asked how I like my coffee
Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that's when she told me "That's cute honey, but the coffee's free. You don't have to pay for it here!"
I like my women like I like my passwords
Short and insecure
Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee
He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
The first is a super hero, the other is simply a command.
PS: It's a joke, women are awesome.
What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
What's the difference between the Taliban and Texas?
The Taliban requires women to wear masks
To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"
Have you ever considered being more interesting?
Guide for Russian troops: How to identify Ukrainians
Sometimes Ukrainian saboteurs try to pass off as Russian troops. The easiest way to identify them is to remove their pants and examine their genitalia. All Ukrainians have b**... of steel. Even women.
The wage gap isn't real.
Men simply focus on getting the higher paying jobs like scientist, doctor, engineer. Meanwhile, women tend to go towards the lower paying jobs, like female scientist, female doctor and female engineer.
How many trans women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, and you don't even need the lightbulb. Just tell her she's a lovely girl, and she'll brighten up the room instantly.
A s**... bomber went to heaven.
The Angel at the front desk greeted him.
"Hi, welcome. There are 72 very h**... virgins waiting for you!"
"I knew it! said the bomber. "Bring me the women!"
The Angel smiled.
"Who mentioned women?"
Why do trans women go by she/her?
Because if they went by her/she they'd be chocolate
I like my women how I like my coffee
I'm not fussy, I'll have whatever's available. Thanks.
I like my women how I like my COVID
19, breathtaking, and easy to spread
Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga …
And 100% of men don't care.
I asked the gym trainer what type of machine i should use to get the best looking women
He said the ATM outside
I like my women like I like my snow
Heavy & wet
Did you know that William Shatner once tried to start up his own line of l**... for women?
Unfortunately for him, Shatner p**... was a terrible brand name.
If women were great at multitasking..
Sitting down and being quiet would be easy.
This Super Bowl featured the first all women fly-over.
But it still looked like all airplanes to me.
Go to health
A recent study shows that women who carry a few extra pounds tend to live longer than men who mention it.
Women are like taxes.
I don't do them.
One difference between men and women is
If a woman says Smell This then it usually smells good.
How many robed Catholic women does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nun
I like my women like I like my laptop.
Sitting in my lap, turned on, with no viruses.
