Women Age Jokes
79 women age jokes and hilarious women age puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about women age that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Women Age Short Jokes
Short women age jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The women age humour may include short women of age jokes also.
- I heard married women sometimes grow an appendage out of their back side as they age. Maybe it's just an old wives tail.
- As a middle aged man I love going up to pretty young women who are staring at their cellphone screens and asking Are you my tinder date?
- My friend told he was always chasing girls in the 90's... Nowadays he dates women that are closer to his own age.
- Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!" - Two middle aged women are in Boston's fish market on Friday. "I come here every Friday to get scrod!"
"I do too, but I didn't know it has a past tense." - When it comes to age, women are a lot like wine. I mean, who doesn't love 16 year-old wine.
- Doctor: "Tell your wife not to worry about the slight deafness. It is only an indication of old age."
Husband: "Doctor, would you yourself please tell this to her?" - What do you call it when a woman quits her job at the age of 45 to help women deliver babies? A Midwife Cwisis
- Roy Moore Was Popular With White Women Voters I guess that's because once they reach voting age, they no longer feel threatened by him.
- Two guys looking at a pretty 40 year old woman -- Women...Don't they age like a fine wine on a summer time
-- I don't know dude, mine ages like milk
Share These Women Age Jokes With Friends
Women Age One Liners
Which women age one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with women age? I can suggest the ones about older woman and men women.
- When women reach a certain age they start accumulating cats This is known as many paws
- Women age like fine wines... The older they get, the harder they are to come by.
- I like my women how I like my wine. Aged 10 and locked in the celler.
- I like my wine how I like my women Perfectly aged with a full body.
- Women age like fine wine... In my basement
- I like my women like I like my puzzles. Ages 3-5
- Women are like grapes. Some age like fine wine.
Some age like raisins. - I like my women like I like my board games... Ages 7-99.
- I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it.
- When we were young, we would compare liquor and women. Now we compare statins.
- Me: Yay! No more periods! Menopause: Wait, here's a beard.
- When you're wondering whether she's his daughter or his girlfriend, she's his girlfriend.
- I like my women the same as I like my whiskey. 20 years old and mixed up with coke!
- In 34 years I've said I love you to two women and every dog I've ever seen.
- A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
Giggle-Inducing Women Age Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends
What funny jokes about women age you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean age difference jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make women age pranks.
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
A young woman for whom a marriage with an old man was being arranged by her parents refused to go through with the ceremony because as she put it, " I don't want to feel old age creeping on me!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A beautiful woman in her thirties was passing through customs in London, when the customs official asks her what the reason for her trip to London was.
Business or pleasure, he asks?
Sadness and pleasure!
She says to the officer!
Why?
Well, my 75 years old husband has just died and I came to his f**...!
My condolences, says the officer!
It must be a very difficult and painful time you're going through!
Not really, this is my pleasure!
I'm so sad because only now I found out that he was dead broke and did not leave a dime, a penny, not even a will for me!
What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?
At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 – You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 – If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!
The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
"Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
A few actually smirked.
But the patient’s daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women’s brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."
This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent."
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly."
"Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator.
On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."
On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."
The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Andrew went to Medical Insurance to apply for his pension.
The woman behind the bench asked for his driving license to verify his age, but he had left his wallet home.
He said to her that he had to go home and return later.
The woman said: "Unbuckle your shirt."
And so he did, revealing his curly, gray hair of his chest.
"These gray hair is quite a nice proof for me," she said and continued with his application form.
When Andrew went home, he said to his wife what had happened.
"You should have taken your pants off," she said, "Maybe you would have taken disability pension too!"
A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her embarrassment she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
The went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!"
The guy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we were friends."
A Pontiac takes examinations for the driver’s licence for the fourth year in a row.
The examiner asks him "So, you’re running on the street. You have a mountain on your right and there’s a cliff on your left. There are two women in your way; the one young and the other an old woman. Which one are you going to hit?"
"Of course the old woman!"
The examinet frustrated "I told you last year! You hit the brakes!"
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas.
She’s down to her last $50.
Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?"
He walks away.
Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table.
Thinking maybe she’d won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Imagine, there are on the bus only 5 persons:
A busman, an old woman, two younger women and one man.
The old woman comes to the busman and tells him: "Dear busman, would you like to eat a few hazelnuts?"
The busman says: "Yes, why not?"
He takes the hazelnuts from her hand and eats them.
This repeats even two times, but when the old woman offers other hazelnuts to the busman for the fourth time, the busman asks this old woman:
"Madame, where do you take all these hazelnuts from? It is a real amount and I am already full."
The old woman only says: "You know, dear busman, I have bought the chocolate with hazelnuts, the hazelnuts are very hard for my dental plate, so I have s**... them all out, brought it to you and you have already eaten them all."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
I'd like to say the best moment of a woman's life is giving birth, but it's actually seeing an old nemesis and realizing she got really fat.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Son, when I was your age there was no social media.
You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the card dealer say to the table of 16 year old girls? Blackjack is just like my s**.
.. life, I always hit on 16.
Marriage through the ages creates new reflexive responses, for example it was only the other night the wife panted that she was so very hot, so I turned on the airconditioner.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
c**... are like cow pats - the older they are, the easier they are to pick up.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman's age is harder to get than the President's phone number.
A 70 Year Old Women Decides To Get Married
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
...
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray- haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A german, a frenchman, and a greek c**... in the amazon
A german, a frenchman, and a greek are on a plane. The plane crashes in the amazon. They meet the natives and they say "don't kill us" and the amazonians say "We will not kill you, but you have to do something. You have to spend 10 years in a cave. We will fill the cave up with all the provisions you need and whatever you want."
They ask the german what he wants. He says "I want bratwurst. I want sausages everywhere. I wanna eat'em all the time, and I wanna eat a lot." So they fill the cave up with sausages.
They ask the frenchman what he wants. He says "I want women. I want women everywhere. I don't what kind of women; what age, what color, what size. I just want women." So they fill the cave up with women.
They ask the greek guy. He says "I want cigarettes. I wanna chain smoke all the time. I wanna smoke my way through the 10 years." So they fill the cave up with cigarettes.
10 years pass and it is time to open the caves. They open the german's cave. Out comes one huge beast of a man, so gelatinous, they can barely get him through the door.
They open the frenchman's cave. And they see little kids playing around, women talking to each other, and the frenchman h**... away at another woman in bed.
they open the greek guy's cave. He is sitting on top of a pile of unopened cigarettes. He says "A lighter...........give me a lighter!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does that heaven joke go?
Ages ago, I read this joke about a man dying, and as he ascends the pearly staircase, increasingly attractive women with increasingly large amounts of gold urge him a level higher for some really promising reward. Eventually, he reaches the top, and there's a man who makes Jabba the Hutt look like a s**... god, and his name is some kind of s**... pun on the earlier promise.
I just can't for the life of me remember the specifics of the joke. Has anyone else heard it?
I agree
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.
The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another soda, and some heavy deductive thinking,
I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two women meet over a coffee.
"Ah, Marie, I haven't seen you in years, what's going on in your life?"
"I have met a charming and well-off young man half my age."
"Majestic."
"Indeed. He took me to Paris, we dined in the finest restaurant, bought paintings from the vernissage!"
"Majestic!"
"Once we marry, he insists that I retire to our moderately sized European house, free to pursue my leisure activities."
"Definitely majestic!"
"But enough about me. Tell me about yourself, Annette. What are you up to lately?"
"I signed for an etiquette class. We've already learned to say 'majestic' instead of 'fucking h**...'"
I took my grandfather to the mall the other day
While circling the lot trying to find a place to park, he said out of nowhere "These spots are like the women my age"
I looked at him blankly.
"They're all taken or handicapped!"
I like my women like I like my cheese
Aged.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Which hurts worse: a kick in the nuts, or having a baby?
This has been a debate over the ages: which hurts worse, getting a swift kick to the nuts or birthing a child. It's kind of hard to say since men and women are quite different creatures, but I have noticed something. If a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes a year or so later, she'll ask to have another baby. However, a man who has taken a kick to the jewels...
A man and his wife were watching Family Feud...
When this question came up:
"What age do women stop looking for Mr.Perfect and settle for Mr.Okay?"
"25!" his wife shouted.
"What, that's crazy!" the man argued.
"Well that's when I married you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my whisky like I like my women
Aged 12 years in a cellar.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Roy Moore likes his women like he likes his Scotch
Aged twelve years, mixed up with coke, and stored in the basement
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
More and more married women are being diagnosed with aged vacuum disease
They start making strange noises all the time and don't s**... any more
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Consequences of asking women age
broken head
breakups
a guy running n**... on the streets
in some serious cases Death also
From former prime minister of Italy : Have you heard about the survey? They asked women aged between 20 and 30 whether they'd make love to Berlusconi."
"....33 percent of them said 'yes' and 67 percent said 'again?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I am starting a club for middle aged women to gather and find younger men to take home and make love to in front of their husbands.
I'll call it, the Coug Cucks Clan.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Stone age productivity
Productivity was low during stone age because women roamed around n**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my women like I like my cheese...
Aged, White, and Covered in holes.
George Burns
In his later years, the comedian George Burns was being interviewed by a shapely female journalist.
FJ: Mr. Burns, is it true that at your age, you still smoke six cigars every day?
GB: (eyes downcast) Yes, it's true.
FJ: And is it true you drink 3 or 4 martinis every day?
GB: Yes, that's true.
FJ: And is it true that you still chase after women half your age?
GB: Yes, I do.
FJ: What does your doctor have to say about all this?
GB: He's dead.
90 year old couple was in a hospital
Husband was gently calling wife as darling or cutie pie or honey every time he addresses her. There was a young couple sitting near them and observing them.
The old couple was leaving and the young guy was curious about the old man's romance being alive at that age so he stopped the old man and asked the secret behind it.
The old man replied: son, I have been married with that women for about 65 years now. About 7 years ago, I forgot her name, and I don't want to get divorce at this age so didn't dare to ask her name, so I have been calling her either darling, cutie pie or honey since than.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ageism joke
A son asks his father: How do women age?
The father answers:" Women age just like onions, son. They bloat with each year, until they start to stink like a spoiled, rotten, onion."
The wife hears and tells the son:" That's nothing! Men age like Christmas trees. First they loose the leafs, then the b**... fall off."
