Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Woman? Well here is a complete list of the top woman jokes:
Whoops, wrong sub
👍🏼The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:
"Your chest is fucking epic."
"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"
"Yesterday?" I replied.
I bet it's the snooty bitch at number twenty three, she replied.
👍🏼Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
👍🏼The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"
The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."
The woman. They always lie about their weight.
👍🏼"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".
👍🏼The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."
👍🏼as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."
To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."
...he is gay. Definitely gay.
👍🏼Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
The officer laughs, saying:
"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"
"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
👍🏼"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded
"Come on, what day was I born?"
Yesterday." I replied.
A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills
👍🏼I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
and tells him she's moving to Las Vegas. The husband asks, "Why Las Vegas?"
She says from what she understands, she can get $100 for every blowjob she gives. Upon telling her husband this he starts packing as well. The wife asks, "Where are you going?"
The husband says, "I'm going to Las Vegas too! I want to see how you can live off $200 a year!"
about sex. She suggests some 69 and has him lay down with her on top. As she starts sucking him, she lowers her pussy to his face and accidentally farts. Embarrassed, she jumps up and says they should try again. As soon as she squats on his face, she farts again. The guy then says: Can we try something else? I don't think I can take 67 more of these.
👍🏼A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question,
"Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have sex with me?"
The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."
Put a windshield in front of her.
👍🏼On the Breast of a woman named Gale
was tattooed the price of her tail
and on her behind
for the sake of the blind
was the same information in braile.
... when she gets stung by a bee. She goes into the clubhouse and tells an employee what has happened:
Woman: "Hello, I was stung by a bee."
Man: "Where were you stung?"
Woman: "Between the first hole and the second hole."
Man: "Your stance is too wide."
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yogurt."
"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt."
two engineers were biking across a university campus when one said,"where did you get such a great bike?" the second engineer replied, "well, i was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "take what you want."" the first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
👍🏼"Let me be Frank with you."
👍🏼A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.
"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."
"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"
"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.
Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"
"Danephew."
Two men are having a drink in a bar. One says: "You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..."
"Let me tell you a story," says the other man, "Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have sex with you, and to your right is a very horny gay man."
"So where's the dilemma?" replies the first man.
"To whom do you turn your back?"
He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the funeral."
👍🏼I was in the elevator when this busty lady got in. I was staring at her boobs, when she said, "Would you please press one." So I did.
…this joke would probably be better if it had a punchline, wooden tit.
👍🏼...when she finds several BDSM porn magazines stashed under his bed. Concerned, she takes her find to her husband and asks "What do we do about this?"
"Well," says the dad "We obviously can't spank him."
one is a superhero and the other is a command.
A blonde is driving down the highway when she looks out the window to see another blonde in a rowboat, in the middle of a field, rowing as hard as she can.
She pulls over, gets out of her car, runs to the edge of the field and yells as loud as she can, 'It's bitches like you that give blondes a bad name and if I could swim, I'd come out there and beat your ass!'
W: Houston, we have a problem
H: What is it?
W: Nevermind its nothing
H: What is the problem?
W: Nothing...
H: Tell us what the problem is!
W: NO!
Unlike computers a woman will reject a 3 1/2 inch floppy.
👍🏼It's the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid getting pregnant.
👍🏼He responds, Sure is. Then he punched her in the face and stole her purse.
👍🏼Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.'
She was tired of raisin' kids.
👍🏼She hears a knock on the door. Behind the door a man says "it's the blind man, can I come in?". She decides to answer the door without getting dressed because what the hell. She opens the door, the man says "nice tits, where do you want these blinds?".
👍🏼It hates that.
👍🏼she asks the bartender for a double entendre,
so he gives it to her.
A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers.
After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you."
A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really! Why? Are my eyes bulging?"
👍🏼and says "I've got another dress for you"
The man behind the counter, whose a little hard of hearing, reply "come again?"
The woman responds with "No this time its mustard"
A 3 month pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 6 months later she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: Don't worry. You had twins, a boy and a girl and your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name them?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: That's not too bad. What about the boy?
Doctor: Denephew
You get another 80-year-old woman right next to her to yell, "Bingo!"
For those of you who have a hard time understanding what the word "dilemma" means, let me give you an example.
You're lying in the middle of a kingsize bed, with on your left side the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. She's naked, and she really wants to have sex with you. On your right side, however, lies a horny as fuck gay dude. Who are you going to turn your back on? *That*'s a dilemma.
You've red some of the best woman jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about woman. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty woman gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !
How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these woman jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.
Can I save Woman jokes? You can do this from the Joko Jokes iPhone app. It is available for free download from the Apple App Store. Thumbs up your favorite jokes so we can rank them by how many likes every joke has. Every thumb matters for Joko Jokes' rankings.
How to share a Woman joke? You are free to share every Woman joke found on JokoJokes.com, share it on Facebook, Twitter or by email and have fun with friends and family.