woman Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious woman puns

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask

Whoops, wrong sub

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A feminist told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule."

The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.

I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:

"Your chest is fucking epic."

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

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I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

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A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...

The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, Its dark in here.

The man says, Yes, it is.

Boy ~ I have a baseball.

Man ~ That's nice.

Boy ~ Want to buy it?

Man ~ No, thanks.

Boy ~ My dad's outside.

Man ~ OK, how much?

Boy ~ $250?

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy ~ Its dark in here.

Man ~ Yes, it is.

Boy ~ I have a baseball glove.

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, How much?

Boy ~ $750?

Man ~ Fine.

A few days later, the father says to the boy, Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.

The boy says, I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.

The father asks, How much did you sell them for?

Boy ~ $1,000?

The father says, That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, Dark in here.

The priest says, Don't start that crap again.

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I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!

I bet it's the snooty bitch at number twenty three, she replied.

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A man knocks on the door and asks the woman " Do you have a vagina? "

A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this.

Man: Do you have a vagina?

Woman slams the door in disgust

The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question
Man: do you have a vagina?

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband comes home from work she tells him what's happened the past 2 days. The husband says in a concerned voice "Honey I'm going to take the day off work tomorrow and stay with you incase that creep shows again".

The next day there is a knock at the door again, both the husband and wife rush to the door, the husband whispers " I'm going to hide behind the door, if he asks the question again say yes because I want to know where he's going with this"

The man asks again " do you have a vagina?"
Woman answers " yes actually I have a vagina, why? "

The man replies " oh wow good! That means you can tell your husband to start using it and leave my wife's alone!".

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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."

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Panda and a Prostitute

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"

The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'

The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. '

The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up 'panda.'

The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves'

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A wife yells at her husband

Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"

Husband : "what did I do?"

Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!"

Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"

Wife: "The fucking autopsy."

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A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman…

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!

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Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

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Father, do you have anything to declare?

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, Father, may I ask a favor?

Of course you may. What can I do for you?

Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?

I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.

With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, Father, do you have anything to declare?

From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?

I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, God bless you, Father, go ahead.

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In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...



As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

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I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass.

He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex with my wife." He said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife." and I said "Neither did I till you shined a light on her."

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A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.


"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.


"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.


"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"


"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".


The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.


Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.


"What are you doing?" he asked.


"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.


"Needs ironing"...

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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

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Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sharing a sleeper cab on an overnight train

At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman:

"Excuse me ma'am, but it's really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?"

The woman answers:

"I'll tell you what, I'm also feeling really cold, for one night, why don't pretend we are married?"

The man, taken aback but enthusiastic replies:

"Yeah of course!"

And so the woman says:

"Good. Then fucking get it yourself you lazy ass."

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed."

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A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."

"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.

Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

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A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?" So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?" She thinks a bit "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go to the alley and she takes off... her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says,

"Are you gonna bite them or what?"

"Nah," he replies. "Costs too much!"

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A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

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What weighs more? 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman?

The woman. They always lie about their weight.

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A mormon was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,

"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".

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On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?"

The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."

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A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turns to her and says,

"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replies.

"What a coincidence," she said.

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A man accidentally elbows a woman's boob

as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

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There was a woman with 100 children…

There was a woman with 100 children. She lacked the creativity to name all of them so she just names them 1-100. 99 of the kids die. The only survivor is the kid named 90. 90 grows up and has kids of her own. One day, the kids find a stray dog. 90 did not want them to keep it. The kids decide to keep the dog secretly. They name the dog this so that they can say things like Let's take this outside without 90 finding out. One day, this suddenly dies in a car accident.

Only 90's kids remember this.

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If a woman has sex with 10 different men, she's considered a slut, but if a man does the same thing...

...he is gay. Definitely gay.

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A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.



The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.

The waitress asks, **"Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?"**

"Yup," says the woman. "Makes it easier than trying to remember who's who every damn time."

"But what if you only want to talk to one of them for some reason?" the waitress asks.

**"Well, then I just call them by their last names."**

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A woman visits her husband in prison

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:

"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"

The officer laughs, saying:

"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

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A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...

"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."

The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"

The father replies, "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

The wife and daughter are really annoyed by what their father has said, so the daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?"

The mother smiles and says, "Well honey, a man also goes through three phases in life too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty, strong and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it becomes more like a birch, flexible but reliable. But after 50, it's like a Christmas tree."

The daughter laughs and asks, "A Christmas tree?"

The mother replies, "Yes, dear. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

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Putting it in.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,

'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

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A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?"

The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate.

The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."

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A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's nothing"

The dad replies "Yeah, i spoil that woman"

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A woman and her lover were in bed, when the woman heard her husband getting back.

The woman said Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue. The lover did that.

The husband walked into the room.
Honey, what's this statue doing here? He asked.
I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well. She replied.
The husband got into bed, and the woman fell asleep. A few hours later, after checking his wife was asleep, he quietly got up, walked into kitchen, made a sandwich and got a glass of milk, came back, and went to the statue.

Here, have something to eat and drink. I stood like an idiot for 3 days at the Smiths, and no one offered me anything to eat!

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Making love to a woman is like playing a violin…

I don't know how to do it…

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A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse."

But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out her blouse.

When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said, "Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" the woman asked.

"Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse."

The woman quickly looked down and screamed, "Oh my God! I left my baby on the bus!"

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My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I looked.

"I guess you're right! Man I must look like and idiot!" I said.

She laughed.

I laughed.

The toaster laughed.

I shot the toaster.

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A beautiful women is standing on a bridge!!

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.

A homeless man walks up to her.

She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"

He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it."

"Absolutely not! You're disgusting!", she replies.

The man turns and starts walking away.

"Is that all you're going to say? You're not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?"

"I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm!", he says.

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TO THE ADMIN OF THIS GROUP

CAN YOU PLEASE TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE MORE CONTROL OVER WHO YOU LET IN. THERE IS A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE HAS BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEN. SHE SENDS NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN GROTESQUE POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER LADY GARDEN. SHE IS OFFERING A SAMSUNG GALAXY S8 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS.
I AM ESPECIALLY UPSET BECAUSE AS IT TURNS OUT, THE PHONE WASN'T EVEN A GALAXY S8... IT WAS A GALAXY S5 AND IT OBVIOUSLY HAS A VIRUS BECAUSE IT'S REALLY SLOW. IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH... THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON STICKS

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A woman asks her husband

A woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?" The husband replies, "I wanted to shag your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" To which the husband replies, "I think I did a pretty good job."

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A woman's on vacation and calls home

She asks her husband, "How's my cat doing?"

The husband says, "The cat's dead."

The woman's upset and says, "Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can't enjoy my vacation now. You could've just said a little white lie, like the cat's on the roof and you can't get her down."

"Okay, I'm sorry," says the husband, "I'll remember that."

The woman says, "Anyway, how's my mother doing?"

The husband says, "Your mother's on the roof and we can't get her down."

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Why did God make man before He made woman?

Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.

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A woman asked me what a creampie was

I made sure to fill her in

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It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...

Because then the man is left with only $0.22...

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A pregnant woman is hit by a car....

She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"

The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."

She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?"

"I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them."

"What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?"

"He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor.

"Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?"

To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "

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A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday.

This joke would be funny if it had a punchline

Wooden tit

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What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice just right

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An old man is at passport control in Paris

He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'

'Yes' replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last time'

'Impossible!!' she bellowed.

The old man looks her straight in the eye and says 'Last time, when I landed on D Day in 1944, I couldn't find a fucking Frenchman to give it to'

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How about an Indian joke?

A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"

A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"

She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

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A lot of woman actually turn into good drivers

So if you're a good driver watch out.

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Not Horny.....

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

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A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.

His friends see him and say, Hey man, what are you supposed to be?
He replies, Oh, I'm dressed as a turtle.
His friends respond, A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who's that woman on your back?
The man replies, Oh that's just Michelle.

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One day, Usain Bolt goes into a country club.

When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow blacks in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."

Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"

"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it's only 5 minutes down the road."

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I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?" Yesterday." I replied.

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Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length."

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Stranger guy with a sexy women in a hotel lobby.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room no 99.

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I can tell just by the shoes a woman wears if I'm going to fuck her or not.

If she's wearing 3" heels or higher, I'm definitely going to be fucking her.

If she's wearing nice comfy running shoes, I'm probably not going to be able to catch her.

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What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time?

A widow.

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A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...

A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
No, not at all, she replies.
The man stands and clears his throat.
Bargain", he says, and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."

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A woman walks in on her husband performing anal sex on his secretary. The wife screams, "You can't do this to me!" The husband says...

"I know. That's why I'm doing it to her."

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Two engineer students were biking across campus.

One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

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I was watching a movie with my son the other day. He got scared and asked me, "Daddy, is that woman really gonna die?"

I said, "Judging by the size of that horse's cock, yes."

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Arrested for being too good in bed!

My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"


After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

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Prostitutes

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She replies, "Well, most of them become taxi drivers."

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Ninety

There was once a woman who had 100 children. She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out. In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

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On a bus one day.....

.....a man was sitting next to a woman who was trying to breast-feed her child. The child however refuses to suck on the breast.

Being frustrated, the mother threatens the child, "If you don't suck on, I will give it to the man next to us!" The child still refuses to oblige. After about 10 minutes of failed effort to get her child to breastfeed, the woman threatens her child again.

Finally the man clears his throat and says, "Look here woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off 6 stops ago!"

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An odd joke

Once there was a guy whose parents named him Odd. All through school, Odd was made fun of for his odd name. Eventually, as an grown man, he found a beautiful woman to marry and raise a family with. During a summer day in their 70s, Odd told his wife as they sat in the living room that he had never liked his odd name. He told her that, when he died, she should just put his birthday and date of death on the grave, without his name. Sure enough, several years later, Odd passed away. His wife did as he had requested, and buried him, putting only his birthday and date of death on the gravestone. But it was futile. To this day, people still walk by the grave and say:




"Isn't that Odd?"

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Shouldn't Iron man be a woman?

After all he is a Fe-Male.

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A man wasn't sure which of three women he wanted to marry, so he gave each $10,000 to see how they used it.

The first woman went to the store, bought the man new clothes, new furniture, and new electronics for his man cave. The man was impressed.

The second woman put the money in the bank, to show how responsible and thrifty she was. Again, the man was impressed.

The third woman invested the money and turned the $10,000 into $20,000. Again, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a moment about how each woman had handled the money, and then he married the one with the largest boobs.

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A woman was having a shower

when the door-bell rang.

"It's the blind man" he called.

That's ok, she thought so she quickly ran downstairs naked to open the door.

"Nice tits" he said. "Now, where do you want those blinds?"

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I hope Death is a woman

That way it will never come for me

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Temper cure...

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he
calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

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An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...

... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."

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A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.

She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.

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A woman just asked me if I like thighs or breasts

I told her I like shaved vagina and anal. Apparently this is not an appropriate answer at KFC

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"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.


"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"


The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.


Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.


"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"


Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

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A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"

The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.
They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out.
They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.

When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question.
We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire.
Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"

The woman replies,
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and
expect it to be there when I return?"

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A woman must walk 5 paces behind...

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

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Pretty woman sneezes

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.

The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

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I was having sex with a woman when her husband came home early.

She told me to use the back door and I'd have to be quick.

In retrospect I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.

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A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"

Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"

"Our wedding video"

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To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:

I'm not letting you out.

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Easy way to search your wife.

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,
"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket."
"Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled.
"Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!"

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The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!

On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.

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My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

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A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What the hell are you supposed to be, then?" the host asks.

"I'm a turtle," the man replies.

"What a pile of shite!" the host replies. "How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"

"Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"

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I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

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A women married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,"What do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

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Women say their number one fear of online dating is the guy will be a serial killer. Men say their number one fear is the woman will be fat.

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A man walks past a sign reading, "Tits - Β£10 each, Swallows for Β£30, Β£50 for a Shag", so the man walks in and asks, "how much for anal?"

The woman slaps him and shouts, "SIR! This is an aviary!!"

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You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles.

If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

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I like my woman like I like my Laptop

On my lap , turned on ,Virus free

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I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or go see Wonder Woman.

She said "I'm on my period and Wonder Woman is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.

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A woman goes into a pharmacy

She says to the pharmacist, "I'd like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."
The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I'm going to call the police and report you."
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It's a picture of her husband having sex with the Pharmacist's wife.
"Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription."

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I'd give you $1M if you let me bite your nipple

Woman: Sure!

*licked and sucked the nipple*

Woman: Why didn't you bite my nipple?

Man: Well, I don't have $1M.

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So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer...

The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer.

Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused expression, until the woman says:

-- What, have you never seen a naked woman before?

-- That I have, miss. I'm wondering where you're keeping the money to pay for the beers.

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My seatmate on a flight was a woman.

Ever the charmer, I asked, Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?

Yes, she said, but I wasn't willing to pay.

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Newfie Hooker

A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and spots a woman in the Shadows.

"Twenty dollars" she whispers.

Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I's makin' love to me wife!", the Newfoundlander answers, annoyed.

"Oh! I'm sorry", says the cop. "I didn't know."

"Well, neidder did I, 'til ya shined that light in 'er face!"

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I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded
"Come on, what day was I born?"

Yesterday." I replied.

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Sex after Surgery

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"

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A man came home to his wife who had the BDSM equipment out [NSFW]

Wife: "Come and play with me"
Man: "Okay..."

He tied her down, and one of the things the woman was into was using objects that aren't meant for sexual use for her pleasure.

So, the man went into the backyard and got a wooden post from the fence.

He walked back in and slid the post up the woman's ass, but it slid out. He tried again and again, but every time it fell out. The man asked himself what could be wrong.

And then he realized, there was just simply too much reposting on this sub.

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An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.

She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.

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A Couple is Walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve...

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive...

....they would start to find me attractive.ο»Ώ

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A homeless man knocks on a woman's door, looking for help...

"Think you could spare a few bucks? maybe some food?"

The woman thinks to herself for a few seconds, then says,

"You could do some handy work around here, I'd be glad to give you $30 if you paint my porch. There's some green paint and a brush right around the corner there, have at it."

He thanks her, and heads towards the bucket. She returns inside and resumes her knitting. After about an hour, she gets up to check on his progress, and sees no man, or a freshly painted porch. Just then, she hears a knocking again at her door, and goes to open it.

She is greeted by the same man, green paint splattered on his clothes and in his beard, a wide grin on his face.

"All done ma'am. and by the way, it's a Cadillac, not a Porche."

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If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it..........

He's gay, definitely gay.

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I saw a homeless dude and gave him 1$

I saw a homeless woman and gave her 0.77$

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You must be single...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly."

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Woman in a coma

Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first, but he agrees to do it. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What happened?" asks one of the nurses. The man replies, "I dont know...I think she choked."

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A guy walks into a bar...

...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

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A woman is in the hospital in a coma...

and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.

The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."

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So God creates Adam...

...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.

God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."

God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."

Adam hesitates..

"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.

God responds "An arm and a leg."

Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"

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5 advices to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,

2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,

3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,

4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,

5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

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A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed today

"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.

"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"

"I remember," she says.

"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"

"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"

"I would have gotten out today."

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I don't care if Caitlin Jenner identifies as a woman,

but April identifying as January is crossing the line.

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A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..'

Neighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared..

To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58. Her husband had a closed casket at the wake..

After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. His neighbours, concerned for his safety, asked - 'Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??'

The husband put down his drink and said - 'Let her dig. I had her buried upside down..'

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A bear goes into a bar

he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer

bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

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During a funeral...

The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

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If a woman sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a slut. But if a guy does the same thing, then he's gay.

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Bet on a bullet (slightly NSFW)

A man walks into a gun shop.

"I want to buy a new scope and bullets for my rifle"

"sure" said the owner handing over a scope "if you look out the window, this scope is so powerful you can see into my house"

The man looks, then turns to the shopkeeper and says "sorry mate there is a man in there and a woman who i can only assume is your wife?"

"cheating, bitch!" the shopkeeper said, putting two bullets on the counter he said "Shoot that guys prick off and you can have the scope for free, shoot that bitches' head off and I'll give you free bullets for the rest of your life"

The guy looks through the scope again and says "what do I get if I only use one shot?"

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So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."

I looked her over once again, disgusted, then said, "Do you have a pen?"

She replied "Of course!"

"Well you'd better get back in it before the farmer realizes that you're gone."

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I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"
Yesterday." I replied.

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Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you.

Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

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A naked woman robbed a bank..

No one could remember her face.

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"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably just yogurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt"

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I think you are the father of one of my kids

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. He walks over to her and she greets him warmly. He's rather taken aback because he can't figure out where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' His mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

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A man arrives at the gates of heaven...

...St. Peter looks through his book and tells him "I don't see any reason why we should let you in. You don't seem to have done anything worthy in your life."

The guy replies: "what about the time I was driving and saw a woman with a flat tire beside the road? A bunch of bikers had surrounded her and were giving her a hard time. I stopped and got out; they turned on me so I grabbed a tire iron and told them to back off."

St. Peter: "You really did that? When did this happen?"

The guy: "About 5 minutes ago!"

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Money or Sex

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."

"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."

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a man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a trans-continental train.

though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

at 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"i have a better idea," she replied. "just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"wow! that's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"good," she replied. "get your own fucking blanket."

after a moment of silence, he farted.

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A woman gets home from work and hears her husband call out from the bedroom...

Husband: can you come here and help me with this clock?

The woman walks in the room and sees her husband sitting at the edge of their bed with a raging hard-on

Wife: thats not a clock

Husband: it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.

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A woman screams as she gives birth...

"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. *What is* wrong?"

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I met an older woman in a bar last night...

She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

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A cowboy appears before St. Peter...

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.

"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you"
Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago."

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There once was a woman who had 100 children....

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety.
Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation.
One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.













Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

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I was at a local bar, when a woman a few feet away from me sneezed.

Her glass eye came out, bounced once on the bar, and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you.

She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and an amazing smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me.

As she's getting ready to leave she comes up to me and asks for my number. I looked at the chair behind me... Surely she must've been mistaken.

I said, Who me?

She said Yes, of course you. I don't usually do this kind of thing but, you just sort of caught my eye.

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Why did the blind woman fall down the well?

Because she couldn't see that well.

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A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating.

"Hi!" says the woman cheerfully, "Just so you know, I'm deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I'll let you know if I didn't catch something. So, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a ventriloquist," says the man.

"What?" says the woman.

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I walked in to a supermarket today and noticed an attractive woman waving at me...

She said hello and I was rather taken aback because I couldn't place where I knew her from.

So I asked, "Do you know me?"

To which she replied, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now. my mind traveled back to the only time I have ever been unfaithful to my wife and I said, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into my eyes and said calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

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My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.

She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"

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A man doing market research for Vaseline knocked on a door...

...and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline." Have you ever used the product?'

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time,"
The researcher then asks, "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke.

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How about an Indian joke?

A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"


A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"


She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

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A guy wakes up from a coma.

His doctor asks him what he remembers.
- All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".

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A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog,
tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his
place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

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What are the best Woman puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Woman? Well, here are the best jokes about Woman to have fun with.

Joko Jokes