Woman In The Kitchen Jokes

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!" "I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today!"

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.”
She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing.
“That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises.
“Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.”
“You’re absolutely right sweetheart,
”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.
“Now why were you laughing?” she asked.
“You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered.
“True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
“Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter.
“Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”
“Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

An old couple had been married for 30 years...

And every morning for those three decades, at precisely 6:30 am, the man would release a horrendous f**... that would gag a maggot! His wife would be awakened by said f**... and the man would laugh. Oftentimes he would give her the ole' "Dutch Oven". Every time, however, the disgusted wife would exclaim "One day, you're gonna f**... your guts out!". The husband would then laugh harder and perhaps wave a little more foul air in her direction.
One day, it was thanksgiving. The wife gets up much earlier to begin food preparation for the feast. As she is removing the innards of her fleshy killed turkey, she gets an idea. She gathers up the fowl gut and brings them upstairs to her sleeping husband. She then deposited the entrails into the back of his jockeys. She returns to her kitchen and waits for 6:30.
When 6:30 arrives, she hears the earth shattering flatulence all the way downstairs which is followed immediately by a despairing cry. The woman giggles behind her hand.
Several minutes later, her husband comes to her kitchen, white-faced and wide-eyed. He says, "All this time, you were right. I finally f**... my guts out!" The wife says, " My goodness! Really?". He replies, "Yeah, but I got em' all back in."

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.....

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.... "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"
The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses....... The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"
"I remember that, too" she replied softly...
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

How to Tell the s**... of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies," he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband...

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?", she asked.
"Hunting Flies" he responded.
"Oh, Killing any?" she asked.
"Yup. 3 males. 2 females" He responded.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on the beer can, and 2 were on the phone"
*Incredible*

A snail tale

A woman sends her husband out to buy escargot for a a dinner party that night, but instead of going straight to the store, the husband decides to stop at the local bar. He has a few beers, and then some more, and pretty soon he looks at his watch and he's over an hour late for the dinner party. He dashes to the store, picks up the escargot and frantically drives home. When he walks in the door he can hear his wife coming from the kitchen. So he takes the bag of snails and throws them all over the floor. When his wife walks in the room, he says, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

The husband and the horse.

The husband seated, reading his newspaper when his wife, furious, came from the kitchen and hits him in the head with a skillet .
Startled, he gets up and asks:
- Why did you do that? She responds: - I found this is the piece of paper in your pants with Mary's name and number. - Honey, remember the day I went to the horse racing? Yeah ... Mary was the horse I bet on, and the number was how much they were paying for the bet. The woman then left asking for apologies...
Days later, there he was again seated when he receives a new punch, this time with a pressure cooker.
Even more surprised (and dizzy), he asks: - What happened now, my love? She replies: - Your horse just called ...

A woman thinks her husband is going deaf.

A woman thinks her husband is going deaf, so she calls the doctor to ask what to do. He tells her to start far away in the house, ask a question, and come closer and closer, asking the question, until he can hear her. So, one day, while he's watching t.v. in the living room, she goes to th farthest room, the family room, and calls out, "honey, what do you want for dinner?" No answer. She goes to the dining room, one room closer, and asks again, "what do you want for dinner?" No answer. She goes into the kitchen and asks again, and again she gets no answer. Finally, she is in the living room with him, standing behind the couch, and asks, "Honey! What do you want for dinner?" The husband answers, "For the last time, chicken!"

Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, Honey?" the husband inquired, as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'., "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

Pretend You're a Statue...

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked
it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a d**... thing."

Power of Scripture

A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture.
The burglar froze in place and didn't move. The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood.
"What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman.
She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.
The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked.
"Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!"

An Elderly Couple

An elderly couple visit the doctors one day complaining that they are both forgetting things. The doctor advises them to write down the things they need to remember.
Several days after the doctors appointment, the elderly couple are sat down watching television when the man asks, 'Margaret, would you mind making me a cup of tea?'
'Of course not', she replies.
'Don't forget to write it down, Margaret' the old man says 'You wouldn't want to forget it!'
'Don't be ridiculous! I won't forget a simple cup of tea!' she mutters, hobbling into the kitchen.
25 minutes later the elderly woman emerges from the kitchen carrying a full English breakfast.
'Here you go, Dear' the woman says, putting the meal on the mans lap.
'I knew you should have written it down!' the man chuckled 'You forgot the beans!'

Three old women live in a house together...

The first one —a 96 year old, has drawn herself a bath and is about to get in. She suddenly stops and calls to her sisters
"Was I getting into the tub or out of the tub?".
The second sister —a 94 year old, replies

"Hold on, I'll come help you".
She begins walking up the stairs but suddenly stops and asks her sister— a 92 year old,
"Was I going up the stairs or down the stairs?".
The old woman just sits at the kitchen table and muttersto herself
"My sisters are so forgetful. What would they do without me?"
as she knocks on the wooden table.
Her sister calls for help once more and she replies,
"Hold on, I need to answer the door first".

A couple in their 80's

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"
Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?

20 years

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'either you marry my daughter, or will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have gotten out today."

A woman pregnant with triplets catches three stray bullets from a drive-by shooting.

In the emergency room, a doctor tells her she and her unborn children will be fine but they could not remove the bullets. He informs her all is well and the children, two girls and a boy, will pee the bullets out in around 16 years.
So around the 16th year, the mother is in the kitchen making her morning coffee when one her daughters runs in, frantic and concerned.
"Mom! Mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out!"
Her mother tells her there's nothing to worry about and tells her the story.
Then around noon, the mother is in the garden watering some flowers when the other daughter comes outside and says
"Mom! Mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out!" The mother explains everything and goes back to watering.
That night the mother was laying in bed reading when her son burst into her room.
"Mom! Mom! I was-"
"Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"
"No, no!" says the son, "I was jacking off and I shot the dog!"

Cupcakes.

A mother and her little girl were at the park enjoying a beautiful summer day. While they were there a young couple were getting acquainted behind a thin veil of bushes. The little girl took notice of their actions and asked her mother what they were doing. A quick blush appeared on the woman's cheeks as she brushed off the question. "Oh they're just making some cupcakes."
The next morning the little girl rushed into the kitchen where her mother was enjoying a morning coffee.
"Mommy mommy! You and daddy were making cupcakes last night!"
"Uh, yeah... How did you know?!"
"I licked the frosting off of the couch when you were done!"

A little boy answered a knock at the door...

A little boy answered a knock at the door to find a well-dressed woman.
"Is your mother home?" she asked, politely.
"Uh uh," he said.
"Okay," she said, put off by his lack of manners. "Is your father home?"
"Nope. He done gone to work and he ain't gonna be back 'til after dinner."
"Young man," she said sternly. "Where's your grammar?"
"She's in the kitchen... Bakin' cookies."
*

A woman was baking a cake...

When she heard the oven timer go off, she turned to her daughter, and asked her to check to see if the cake was done.
"I don't know how to check," the girl replied.
"Well," said the mother, "you take the cake out of the oven, and stick a knife in the center. If the knife comes out clean, that means the cake is done. Otherwise, put it back in the oven for another five minutes or so."
"Ok," said the girl, who promptly headed to the kitchen.
A few minutes later, the daughter returned. "Did the knife come out clean?" asked the mother.
"Oh, yes!" replied the daughter. "In fact, it came out *so* clean, I stuck all the other dirty silverware in it, too!"

A man and his wife were sitting down for dinner one night...

...When the wife goes "you know, the neighbours have an amazing layout for their kitchen with granite benches and beautiful cupboards, I see it from our kitchen every day, why can't we do something like that?". The Man thinks for a moment before replying "tell you what, I have the day off tomorrow so I'll get something done before you get home". The woman in a fit of excitement tells the man "you are simply amazing, I guess I'll have to make it up for you tonight". So the man and the woman continue their night ending in the most passionate, romantic s**... the man could have ever dreamt of.
The following day the woman goes about her daily business at work, eager to get home and see her newly remodelled kitchen. The woman makes her way home, opens the front door and rushes to the kitchen to find that the kitchen window had been boarded up.

Adoption.

A kid was walking into the kitchen when he notices his parents sitting at the table looking upset. He asks,
"What's wrong?"
Dad: "There is something we need to tell you son."
Son: "What is it?"
Mother: " You're adopted."
Son: "Well duh I knew that, tell me something I don't know."
Mother: " I'm not a woman."

A woman is cleaning her bathroom...

...and slips. She does the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She calls her husband.
"I'm kinda stuck to the floor...".
He tries to lift her, but can't do it. So he calls a plumber.
They both tried to pull her up, to no avail.
So he says "I'm sorry, but I think we'll have to break the tiles to get her free, and the hospital should do the rest.".
Then the husband says "Hey, we could f**... her instead.".
The plumber, flabbergasted, says "Why?".
"If we get her wet enough, we can slide her over to the kitchen. The tiles there were only $30 per square foot.".

A woman and her lover were in bed, when the woman heard her husband getting back.

The woman said Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue. The lover did that.
The husband walked into the room.
Honey, what's this statue doing here? He asked.
I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well. She replied.
The husband got into bed, and the woman fell asleep. A few hours later, after checking his wife was asleep, he quietly got up, walked into kitchen, made a sandwich and got a glass of milk, came back, and went to the statue.
Here, have something to eat and drink. I stood like an idiot for 3 days at the Smiths, and no one offered me anything to eat!

A man and woman in bed

"Give me some", man begs.
"No. You've had too much," wife responds.
"Come on, let me have some," man begs again.
"I'm tired of this. Go ahead, but you know how it always goes", then wife says.
Happily man goes to kitchen, opens refrigerator, grabs a bottle of champagne. He fiddles with the cork and it pops out with a bang.
From the kid's room, an accusing voice comes
"Mom, you shoulda given dad some. See, now he went and shot himself."

A couple was having a party at their house.

An hour before the party the woman found out that she still needed escargots. So she sent her husband out to get it. He was walking to the supermarket and he figured he had lots of time. So he stopped at the bar on the way. An hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had already started. He quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran home. He tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him. But at that moment his wife came out. He quickly threw the snails on the floor and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there."