Woman Hating Jokes
55 woman hating jokes and hilarious woman hating puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about woman hating that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Woman Hating Short Jokes
Short woman hating jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The woman hating humour may include short hating jokes also.
- A man goes to the movies and sees a large dog sitting next to a woman watching the film He says to her "I am surprised your dog is enjoying this movie"
The woman replies "Me too, he hated the book" - What's one thing that women hate more than being stared at? When you stare at the woman standing next to them.
That's my original for the year! - As a guy who is a feminist I hate man-splaining, I wish woman could understand things on their own instead.
- A woman lost so much menstrual blood she ended up unconscious for several weeks in a hospital. I hate it when I intend a period but end up with a coma.
- I found a woman that was just like my mother. She talked the same, laughed the same, dressed the same. So I took her home My dad absolutely hated her!
- Why did Anakin Skywalker hate bed time? Because that's when the sandman came.
And not just the sand man but the sand woman and and children too - Two cannibals are having dinner together The man says I really hate my mother in law The woman says Then try the patatoes
- Liposuction surgeons hate her! Learn how this woman lost 250 pounds in just one day with ONE easy trick! She became widowed
- A woman gave her puppy his first shot And quickly realized that the little guy hates fireball.
- I hate restaurants that have quirky and confusing ways of displaying men and woman bathroom signs. I mean, what am I?!? Am I a kitchen or an exit?
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Woman Hating One Liners
Which woman hating one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with woman hating? I can suggest the ones about angry woman and hatred.
- Never treat a woman like an object... It hates that.
- If there existed a masseuse who hated woman Would he be called a Massogynist
- I hate online dating websites. The men never look like the woman in the picture.
- A woman called me sexist the other day. Silly women, I hate ALL black people equally.
- What do you call a woman who hates other women? Ms. Ogynist.
- What do you call a woman-hating masseuse? A massage-onist.
Ridiculous Woman Hating Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What funny jokes about woman hating you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean misogynistic jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make woman hating pranks.
There was this man who had a dog.
Every Sunday morning at 4:30 AM the man and the dog would go fishing.
One day, the man fell in love and got married.
After the wedding, when the man and the woman got in bed together, the man turned to the woman.
"Tomorrow is Sunday and every Sunday morning, me and my dog go fishing at 4:30 AM. We'd like you to come along."
"And what if I don't want to come along?" the woman asked impatiently.
"Well then, sweetie, we'll just have to have buttsex."
With that, the man rolled over and fell asleep, and left the woman pondering.
"God, I hate having the buttsex, but I also hate getting up so early. I'll have to think about this more."
In the morning, the woman could hear the man going downstairs to get the dog.
It was much too early for the woman to get up so she decided to wait for the inevitable buttsex.
She waited for about half an hour and fell back asleep, thinking her husband had left already.
She awoke to the man, pulling on her arm.
"Have you made your decision?" he asked
"Yes," she replied. "I do not want to go fishing."
True to his word, the man pulled down his pants.
"By the way, what took you so long to come upstairs? It usually doesn't take that long to get Sparky up."
"I know," the man said. "He didn't want to go either."
Wishes
A woman was walking on the beach when she spotted a lamp almost buried in the sand. She picked it up, dusted it off, and to her surprise a genie popped out.
"Thank you for releasing me from my thousand-year imprisonment! I will grant you the traditional three wishes as a reward. And since you are married, your husband will get double of whatever you wish for."
"But I hate my husband," the woman protested. "He cheated on me and spent all our money -- I've already filed for divorce."
The genie shrugged and told her it was genie law. "OK, whatever," she said, "Give me a hundred million dollars." *p**...!* There were stacks and stacks of newly minted $100 bills piled in front of her. "So, does that mean my husband has *two* hundred million now?"
"Yep," the genie said.
"OK... for my second wish, I want a 100,000 square foot mansion." *p**...!* There was a huge mansion right up on the bluff, and the deed was in her pocket. "So, does that mean my husband gets *two* mansions?"
"Yes indeed. Now, what would you like for your final wish?"
She thought about it for a minute, then snapped her fingers and said, "Genie -- scare me half to death!"
Manual labour
My mate pointed out the window and said, "Is that your wife mowing the lawn out there?"
"Yeah, she never stops," I replied
"Call me old fashioned if you want, but I hate to see a woman doing manual labour."
"Me too," I replied, as I closed the curtains
A beautiful young woman marries a wealthy elderly man...
thinking that he'll die very soon. "Probably the first time we have s**...." she thinks to herself. After the wedding, they arrive at the hotel and it's s**... time. The old man says he needs to get ready, and goes into the bathroom. When he emerges, he is wearing nothing but a c**..., nose plugs, and ear plugs. Shocked, the young woman says, "I understand the c**..., but what are the ear and nose plugs for?" The old man replies, "If there's two things I hate, it's the sound of a screaming woman, and the smell of burning rubber."
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.
The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"
"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"
"Nah, you're ugly"
The intelligent dog
Roxy, a large black Labrador, was sitting up in his seat at the movies, wagging his tail, growling at the villain and barking excitedly at the hero's escapades. The woman in the seat behind him was intrigued.
Excuse me, she said, tapping Roxy's owner on the shoulder, that dog is extraordinary. I've never seen anything like it!
Yes, he's surprised me, too, said the owner. He hated the book.
An American, Mexican, and Arab are in a plane...
They fly over America and the American drops a ball out of the plane. The others ask why and he replies, "This will make someone in my country very happy and I love my country."
They fly over Mexico and the the Mexican drops a flower out of the plane. The others ask why and he replies, "I love my country and wish to make it more beautiful."
When they fly over Iran, the Arab drops a bomb out of the plane. Seeing the shocked looks on the other's faces he says, "I hate this country."
When the American gets home he sees a boy crying on the street. He goes to see whats wrong and the boy says, "I was walking my dog and a ball fell from the sky and killed him!"
When the Mexican gets home he sees a woman crying holding her face. He goes to help and asks what the problem is. She cries out, "I heard a wooshing sound, looked up, and a flower stabbed me in the eye!"
When the Arab gets home he sees a man rolling on the ground laughing. He asks the man whats so funny and the man chokes out the worlds, "I f**... and the building behind me blew up!"
A hundred year-old man and his 98 year-old woman contact a lawyer to arrange a divorce...
...and lawyer asks them "how long have you been married?"
"80 years" the man replies.
"Why do you want a divorce after all this time?" the lawyer asks.
"We hate each other. I hate everything about her. I hate how she talks, how she walks, how she sleeps, how she chews her food, even how she breathes" the man replies. "And she's ugly."
The lawyer looks at the woman, eyebrows raised.
"Yes, " she says, "and I hate him too. I hate his hobbies, his attitudes, the way he treats people, his politics, I cannot stand to be in his presence for more than five minutes. The man is a pig. And he smells."
The lawyer asks "how long have you felt this way?"
"50 years" the mans replies.
"More like 60" says the woman.
"Well then tell me, " asks the lawyer, "why have you waited until now to get a divorce, if you've hated each other for so long."
"We were waiting for the children to die."
Joke from Les Bonnes Femmes
Man: Whats the difference between a frying pan and a chamber p**...?
Woman: I don't know
Man: Then I would hate to eat your place!
Man laughs uncontrollably in a creepy way, perhaps foreshadowing the upcoming r**... scene.
I hate it when people bother me...
I'm tired of people ringing my doorbell at all hours of the day and night, asking for donations. This morning it was some woman from the s**... bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful!
Mean Old Man
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down."
Don't you hate it when people keep talking about their kids
Ugh, the rest of us are not interested in your little brat. It's the worst when people want to show you pictures of their kids. So annoying!
Just this morning there was a woman going around with a picture and telling everyone "here's my kid, this is my little boy".
I'm like, listen lady give it up already. He's been missing for six months. You're *not* going to find him.
A woman stole some food from a store...
...and she was caught shoplifting. When she went to court, the judge asked her, "What exactly did you steal?" The woman admitted that she took a can of pears. "How many pears were in the can?" asked the judge. "There were six pears, Your Honor." she replied. "To be fair, then, you must go to jail for six days."
The woman's husband, who hated her, piped up and said, "Your Honor! She stole a can of peas too!"
What do you call a guy that hates Christmas and steals the woman you love?
Ebenezer Scrooge-yagirl
Annoying Husband
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could heard deep into the night the old man would shout,"When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and comeback and haunt you for the rest of your life."
Neighbours feared him.They believed he practised black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, be died of a heart attack when he was 68.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbours, concerned for her safety asked. "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come hack to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down."
Don't you just hate it when people keep talking about their kids?
It's the worst! Some of us are just not interested.
Just this morning my co-worker was going around waving a picture saying "This is my boy! See my son!"
I'm like, "listen woman, quit it. He's been missing for two months now. You're NOT going to find him!"
Awful Neighbors
"There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leashes.
Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
To the best of my knowledge, she has never worked in her life. Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for his racist comments.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs.
They are both out of control.
God, I hate living near Buckingham Palace! "
Man Periods
I'd hate to meet the girl of my dreams right now, because I, am on my man-period! No, let me explain: a woman would HATE to meet a s**... guy while on her period, because she knows it would mess up the part of her act where she pretends NOT to be berserk.
A man-period, is that special 2 to 3 days a month, when your unstoppable Juggernaut farts register on a seismograph. My last f**... sounded like a tornado went through a bassoon factory. I passed so much gas – Exxon called me up with an extraction lease, and the Department of Defense charted up a contingency plan.
A woman entered her daughter's room and found a letter
Dear mom
I hate to tell you this, but I escaped with my new boyfriend. He's sweet guy although people judge him because the rings on his ears and nose, and his many tattoos and his big bike.
I'm also pregnant. He tells me that we'll live happy in the forest and have many kids.
He also tells me that w**... is fine, and we'll grow it for our friends who will give us c**....
Don't worry, mom. We pray to god that scientist will find a cure for aids, because my darling deserves it.
I'm 15 now, mom, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'll visit you and introduce you to your grandchildren.
Love you. Daughter .
.
.
.
P.S.
Mom, I'm joking. I'm at our neighbor's house. By the way, the test grades report is on my table .
A father and her disappointing daughter
So there's a girl, who just graduated from High School as an honors student but just a few A's away from making Valedictorian. After her graduation, her father walks up to her and says "you've let me down."
The girl goes to medical school. Once again, she graduates near the top of her class but isn't the top of her class. The father walks up to her and says "you've let me down."
The girl was nominated for a big promotion in her hospital but was just a few marks away from securing it. Her father walks up to her and says "you've let me down."
Years pass. The woman has grown to hate her father. One day, she receives a letter saying her father had passed away. Forgetting all of her hate, she gets on the next flight to her mother's home.
As soon as she arrives, her mother hands her a letter detailing one final request from her father.
"At my f**..., I would like to have my daughter lower my body into my grave so she can let me down one more time."
Filipino, a Chinese, a Japanese and a bar
Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink. When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can have me for tonight. So the Chinese guy says I love liver and cheese. She says That's not good enough The Japanese man says I hate liver and cheese She says That's not creative Finally, the Filipino says Liver alone, cheese mine!
What is something a woman hates about a man but a man would love about a woman?
p**... ejactulation.
A woman gets home from the hospital.
She is walking slowly into the house so her husband asks if she is okay. " NO! my knees hurt and my jaw is sore." Her husband looks at her and says " I hate to say I told you so, but I told you not to take the job as Head nurse."
Laughing Dog
A man walks into the cinema with a dog. They start watching the movie (a comedy) and laugh and laugh all the way through it.
When the lights go up, a woman who was sitting in the row behind tapped the man on the shoulder and said:
" I must say I was really surprised to hear your dog laughing all through the film.
"So was I" replied the man, " He hated the book!"
A liquor salesman, a food salesman and a mattress salesman were sitting in hotel lobby chatting
The liquor salesman spoke first,"Y'know, I hate to see a woman drink alone."
The food salesman countered with,"I hate to see a woman eat alone."
The mattress salesman said,"Say, what do you fellows think of the cold weather we've been having?"
A worried blond woman asks her mum a question
A worried blond woman asks her mum a question:
> Mum, I know you went to France. Didn't you?
Yes, dear. How did you find out?
> And dad? Did he go to France?
No dear. You know you're dad as a proud Englishman hates France. You can be sure he never went to France.
...
Still I want to know how you found out that I went to France.
…
> Mum, I know you cheated on dead!
Holy burning tea! DEAR, I never would cheat on your dad! What in the world makes you come to that conclusion?
…
With tears in her eyes the blond replies:
> Mum. If dad never went to France, how come that on my brand new UK passport it's written in white on blue that I was Made in France
My Vietnamese neighbor brought me some pho
A Vietnamese woman recently moved in next door. I guess she wanted to make friends so she brought me a bowl of pho. She didn't say anything and smiled, so I assumed she didn't speak English.
That night, I devoured the Vietnamese delicacy but quickly realized it gave me a cold, as I was coughing my heart out.
The next day, she comes back to collect the bowl. She says English, Bowl please. I thought this was broken English so I tried to speak back and tell her how I caught a cold from the pho. I said pho cough . I wonder why she hates me so much.
An old man is sitting on a park bench
Next to him is a large salt shaker and a bag filled with a bunch of bananas. Periodically the old man takes out a banana, carefully peals it, salts it with the shaker, grimaces, then throws it away in a nearby trashcan.
A woman observes him do this with several bananas and after a while finally can't hold back her curiosity. She asks:
"Old man, why are you peeling and salting these bananas and then throwing them out?"
The old man looks at her, scowling, and responds:
"I g**... hate bananas and I hate salty bananas even more!"
Social justice warriors love Captain Marvel because she's a powerful woman...
...but hate her because she's Binary.
A woman was complaining bitterly about getting flowers
She says to her co-worker "Last night my husband brought me a dozen roses. I hate it when he does that!"
He responds "why? What's the matter with that?"
"Every time he brings me flowers I'm expected to spread my legs all night!"
"What, you don't have a vase?"
What's the definition of a misogynist?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's body except his.
One day my friend saw a gorgeous woman trying to jump off a cliff...
He approached her and asked what she was doing.
I don't want to live. I want to end my life.
Well, if you have decided that you will end your life, give me atleast one kiss?
Okay.
And they kissed! It was the best kiss of his life and he was europhic.
But why a pretty woman like you wants to die?
My parents don't allow me to wear make up and dress up in frocks. They say it's girlish.
And that's when my friend killed himself :(
(no hate for anyone)
A Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink.
When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can have me for tonight. So the Chinese guy says I love liver and cheese. She says That's not good enough The Japanese man says I hate liver and cheese She says That's not creative Finally, the Filipino says Liver alone, cheese mine!
