Woman Driving Jokes
103 woman driving jokes and hilarious woman driving puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about woman driving that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Woman Driving Short Jokes
Short woman driving jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The woman driving humour may include short woman driver jokes also.
- I saw a woman driving with her hazards on. And I thought to myself, "At least she's honest."
- Smoking I saw a woman smoking with her baby in the car and it made me feel disgusted with the world we live in.
Who lets a woman drive? - So I was driving home from work tonight, I saw a woman texting whilst driving. It infuriated me so much I threw my beer bottle at her car.
- It's disgraceful that in 2020 the train-driving profession is overwhelmingly male-dominated. Surely it's... a woman's right to choo-choos.
- Whats the difference between a woman and a dog? Put them both in the trunk of your car, drive around the block, and see which ones happy to see you afterwards.
- Whenever I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we as a society have come in Equality And then I wait for the next bus.
- A man runs over a woman in his car. Who's fault is it? The man's, he shouldn't drive in the kitchen.
- With women being able to drive in Saudi Arabia, they will open a woman-only taxi service. It'll be called NiCab.
- "He drives a 300k vehicle. He must be rich." Woman: So what do you do for a living?
Man: I drive a bus. - Do you guys remember Helen Keller jokes? What's your favorite one? I'll go. Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?
She's a woman.
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Woman Driving One Liners
Which woman driving one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with woman driving? I can suggest the ones about women driving and women drivers.
- Why can't Helen Keller drive.... Because she's a woman.
- How does a blind woman drive? Just like any other woman
- Why did the woman drive her car into a tree? To see how her Mercedes Benz!
- How fast can a woman drive? 68 mph, because at 69 they flip over and blow a rod
- A woman has a child while driving to the hospital... They named him Carson.
- Why can't Saudi woman drive? There's no road from the kitchen to the bedroom.
- How do you make a woman drive in a circle? Take away her rights.
- Why was Hellen Keller so bad at driving? She was a woman.
- Why is a beer like a woman? After you drink one you can't shut up or drive.
- Why did the Amish woman file for divorce? Her husband was driving her buggy
- Traffic shut down in many US cities today Have you ever seen a angry woman drive?
- It seems Caitlyn Jenner has made her final transition into a woman..By driving like one.
- What is six inches long has a bald head and drives every woman crazy? 100$ bill
- I can drive a woman wild with my tongue. It's simple.
I say "Have you put weight on?" - Why are woman bad at driving? Because they are woman..
Cheerful Fun Woman Driving Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about woman driving you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean women car jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make woman driving pranks.
Three nuns
Sisters Anne, Mary, and Teresa are driving across the country when they are in a car c**... and all die tragically.
In heaven, the three of them are standing in front of the pearly gates and St. Peter is standing before them. He says to them, "Sisters, I understand that you are all women of faith, and I would be more than happy to let you into heaven without hesitation, but as it is the rules, I must ask you each one question that you must answer correctly before I can let you enter"
The nuns all agree and Sister Anne steps forward first.
"Sister Anne, what was the name of the first man?"
She barely misses a beat before announcing happily "Adam!"
*Gong!*
The gates open and she enters.
Sister Mary then steps forward and St. Peter asks her, "Sister Mary, what is the name of the first woman?"
"Eve!"
*Gong!*
The gates open and Sister Mary enters heaven.
St. Peter then addresses Sister Teresa, "Teresa, what is the first thing that Eve said when she saw Adam?"
Sister Teresa thinks for a minute... two minutes... three minutes.. then mutters to herself "That's a hard one..."
*Gong!*
A woman hears a traffic report on the radio and calls her husband, who's on his way to work.
"Be careful, dear, I heard on the radio that there's some idiot driving the wrong way on the freeway."
"There isn't o**... driving the wrong way, they all are!"
An elderly woman is watching the local news
An elderly woman is watching the local news and hears about a madman driving the wrong direction on the highway that her husband takes home. Worrying, she calls her husband and tells him about the insane driver. The man replies, it's worse than you think! It's not just 1, there's hundreds of them!
Indian On The Road
I'm driving from Santa Fe to Albuquerque when I see an American Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground. Curious, I pull over, walk up to him and ask, "Excuse me, what are you doing?" He says, "Silver 1991 Chevy station wagon, one man, one woman, two children". I say, "Wow, you can tell all that just by listening to the road?" He says, "Heck no, they just ran me over".
A trucker and a blonde.
A trucker is driving down a busy highway when he is abruptly cut off by a blonde woman in her car. Tired and grumpy from driving all day, he quickly pulls along side of the woman's car and forces her to stop on the shoulder of the highway. The trucker and the woman get out of their vehicles. The trucker takes a rock and draws a circle around the blonde.
"Don't you dare set foot outside this circle," the trucker orders.
He walks over to the blondes car and keys the side of it. When he returns, the woman is standing in her circle giggling. This angers the trucker even more. He proceeds to grab a bat out of his semi and smash the mirrors off the woman's car. When the trucker returns to the woman, she is still standing in her circle laughing. Enraged, the trucker takes a gas tank out of his semi, douses the woman's car in gas, and sets it on fire. The woman bursts into hysteria.
"I just totaled your car!! What is so funny?!" The trucker shouts.
The blonde replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
Tribal Wisdom
So a cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving" The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?" The Indian replies "No. Wagon pass half hour ago, run me over."
An old Chinese lady goes to see the eye doctor...
The optometrist gives her the regular eye exam then proceeds to do a few more tests because of her advanced age. After peering through one of his instruments into her eyes, he says "Well ma'am, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you've got cataracts." To which the Chinese woman replied, "No cataracts, I drive a Rincoln."
As she watches the news, an elderly woman calls her husband in concern.
She knows he is driving home, so she calls his cell phone.
"Dear, please be careful on the road today! I just heard on the radio that there is a driver going the wrong way down the highway."
Her husband replies, "Oh, it's not just one. There are hundreds of them!"
What one food reduces a woman's s**... drive by 90%?
wedding cake.
Tom Jones' Disease
A Man goes to the Doctor and lays out his problems. He says whenever he sees a cat he yells "What's New, p**...?"
If he sees a woman while on the street, he exclaims "She's A Lady!" which is really driving his wife crazy.
And speaking of his wife he keeps calling her Delilah, when her name is Susan!
The doctor says "Considering your symptoms, it sounds like you have Tom Jones' Disease"
"Tom Jones' Disease? I've never heard of that! Is it rare?"
"It's not unusual"
An older woman is watching the news
When a newscaster cuts in.
"Breaking news! We have reports of a car going the wrong way through heavy traffic on I-85."
The woman knows her husband is travelling, so she calls him up.
"Honey, some idiot's driving the wrong way on I-85. Be careful, please!"
Her husband practically yells back into the phone, "Thanks sweetie, but it's not just one; there's hundreds of them!"
A blonde woman waves a cab
She asks the cab driver
"How much do you charge to drive me to the nearest airport?"
The cab driver answers
"Around 20 bucks"
The woman then says "I'm carrying luggage, do these get charged?"
Driver: "No, i don't charge for luggage"
The woman smiles, leaves her luggage in the cab and then says
"see you at the airport then, ill take the bus"
The woman's bumper sticker claimed she was pro-life...
...but her reckless driving suggested otherwise.
A couple is driving up to the mountains...
.. and they are in a huge fight. The man and woman are arguing loudly for so long they are tired out. The woman then feels that she should get the last word in, and so as they pass a pasture of cows she turns to her husband and asks "Relatives of yours?" The man replies "Yes, in-laws."
An elderly woman rang her husband while he was driving...
He heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Darling, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way down the freeway, please be careful!"
He replied, "There's not just one car, there's hundreds of them!"
Praying for a parking space..
A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I'll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.
Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.
What kind of food kills a woman's s**... drive?
Wedding cake
Ruffled feathers ahead.
What do you call a woman that is never late, can actually drive a car and doesn't need help killing spiders? Bruce Jenner.
Scientists just discovered a food that diminishes a woman's s**... drive by 90%...
it's called 'wedding cake'
He Takes His Golf Seriously.
An elderly golfer is about to putt when a f**... procession drives by.
He removes his hat, and waits for the cars to pass by.
His golfing buddy turns to him and says, "That was very thoughtful of you to do that."
He responds, "Well, it seemed appropriate. I was married to the woman for 55 years."
A woman adopted a foul-mouthed bird because he was so beautiful and she thought he could be retrained.
The shelter told her the bird lived in a w**... for the last decade. When her husband's car pulled in the drive, she dreaded what the bird would say to him. The bird looked at the husband and said, "Hi Phil, welcome back."
Q: What food diminishes a woman's s**... drive by 90%?
A: Her wedding cake.
2 blondes
A blonde was driving home when she was pulled over by a female cop, also blonde.
"Can I see your ID?" says the cop.
The blonde starts rummaging through her purse and is getting flustered. "What's it look like again?"
"It's small, rectangular and looks just like you"
The woman hands the cop a small mirror. "Like this?"
"Oh," said the cop. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were a cop too."
A truck driver runs over a woman. Whose fault is it?
The truck driver's, he was driving through her kitchen.
I was chatting up this woman.
I said, "You're the sort of woman I could introduce to my mum."
"Aww," she smiled, "Can you?"
I said, "Of course, I'll drive us to the cemetery tomorrow."
Whats the difference between a woman and a floppy drive?
A Floppy Drive can only take 3.5" Inches.
A couple finds a wounded skunk on the road. 'Where do I put it?' the lady asks...
A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, Look, it's shivering … it must be cold. What should I do?
He says, Put it between your legs.
She says, What about the smell?
He says, Hold its nose.
A woman was being interviewed during a driving test
Officer: You are driving a car down the road, you see your husband and your brother crossing the road from opposite lanes.
What will you hit first?
Woman: Husband! My husband!
Officer: This is the third time I'm telling you madam, you hit the brakes first!
woman driver
I was on my way to work today, when I saw a woman driving with her hazard lights on.
I thought to myself, "At least she's honest."
A man parks in a handicapped spot
One day a man parks in a handicapped spot. An elderly woman woman drives up from behind, beeps the man and says "young man your not disabled, you should not be parking here".
The man replies "did you just assume my gender".
"Oh my mistake" says the woman
[My first ever submission!] A man is driving through a shady part of town...
...When he pulls up at a stop sign.
A woman of the night, about 3 inches tall, approaches his car and shouts to him in a voice that betrays any femininity; "Hey darl, you looking for a good time? I'm only 10 cents per hour."
The driver replies "Sorry, I don't want any micro-transactions."
A woman called her husband about what she had seen on the news.
She says, "Watch out honey! There's a madman driving on the wrong side of the highway."
The husband replies, "One? There are hundreds of them!"
Did you know there's a food that's scientifically proven to kill a woman's s**... drive?
Wedding Cake.
A woman has to go to a conference in Italy, so her husband drives her.
"Thanks honey" she says, "what would you like me to bring you back?"
"Oh, um, an Italian girl!" The husband jokingly says.
"I'll see what I can do" the woman says as she walks into the airport waving goodbye.
3 days later the woman returns and her husband greets her at the airport.
"How was your trip? Did you remember to bring my gift?"
"What gift?"
"The Italian girl!"
"Oh, we'll have to wait 9 months to see if it's a boy or girl"
I was driving the other day
I was driving the other day when I saw this beautiful woman standing on the side of the road. I slowed down a little bit to get a better look at her when the guy behind me rear ended me.
As soon as we both got out of our vehicles, I noticed he was a midget. As he was walking over to me I could tell he was mad. He approached me and yelled, "I'm not happy!"
I replied, "Well, which one are you?"
What food makes a woman's s**... drive fall to almost nothing?
Wedding cake.
Horrible joke
So a guy is in a bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye flies out. The man catches it and hands it back to the woman. The woman says "thanks" and then offers to buy him a drink.
The woman then offers to drive him home. On the way to his house, the man asks "Are you always this nice to men that you meet?" and she says "No, you just happened to catch my eye"
A woman is driving for the first time on a highway.
Her husband calls her while she is driving. "Be careful honey, it was just broadcasted that someone's driving the wrong way on the highway."
"Someone?" the wife replies. "These idiots are in hundreds!"
A woman tells her husband she was diagnosed with cancer.
Her husband tells he's very sad and sorry for her. Once they get to bed, the wife asks:
'Honey, when I'll be... dead, will you marry someone else?' The husband thinks for a while. 'No.'
'Why not? Don't you like being married?' 'If you want me to, then yes.' 'Will she sleep in my part of the bed?' she asks mournfully. 'I guess she will.' answers the husband. 'Will you replace all my photos?' 'Of course not, I'll keep the ones I love most.' 'Will she drive my car?' 'No, she doesn't have a driver's licence.'
A man driving a truck hits a woman who's fault is it?
The mans, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen
I was waiting at a pedestrian crossing, when a woman asked me, "What's that beep, beep sound?"
I said, "It's so blind people know when to go."
"Oh right." she replied. "Where I'm from, we don't let them drive."
A man hits a woman with his car. Who is at fault?
The man, because he should never be driving in the kitchen.
A blonde gets pulled over by a blonde cop
Blonde cop: May I see your driving license?
Blonde driver: Driving license? What's that?
Blonde cop: The thing with your face on it
Blonde driver: Alright
Blonde driver: Reaches in her handbag and hands over her makeup mirror to the cop
Blonde Cop: Sorry, we didn't know you were a police woman as well. Carry on!
Blonde in a field.
A blonde woman is driving down a road when she sees another blonde in the middle of a field and she appears to be swimming. Angry at the site, the blonde driver slams on the brakes, hops out of the car and screams "YOU KNOW, IT IS BLONDES LIKE YOU THAT GIVE BLONDES LIKE ME A BAD NAME!!" The blonde in the field replies "Yeah, well why don't you come out here and do something about it?" The blonde driver replies "I WOULD BUT I CAN'T SWIM!"
Cop pulls over an 80 year old woman
A cop pulls over an 80 year old woman for speeding and says "Hi there, why are you driving so fast?"
Woman says "Come on sir, let me go while I still know where I'm going"
What's the one food guaranteed to kill a woman's s**... drive?
Wedding cake.
A man driving a car crashed into a woman. Who's fault was it?
The mans, why was he driving in the kitchen?
Scientists discover a food proven to lower a woman's s**... drive by at least 95%
This discovery has been named "Wedding Cake"
An old Russian anecdote
I was driving to work one morning when I saw a woman in a neighboring car doing her makeup at the wheel. I was so surprised that I nearly dropped my razor into my coffee!
A young man is taking a driving test
The instructor describes a situation: "You're driving along and suddenly there are two people in front of you. A bit to the left there's an old hag and a bit to the right there's a beautiful young woman. Your car can't make it between them. What do you do?"
The young man says: "Well I'll go for the old hag."
The instructor shakes his head and says: "Really? You won't hit the brakes?"
A woman sees the news, and anxiously calls her husband.
He picks it up,
Matthew, are you driving home from work?
Yes! At least I'm trying!
Well be careful out there. There's some idiot on the interstate going in the wrong direction.
Honey... everyone's going in the wrong direction!"
A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on
He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it.
Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!"
Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much..."
Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"
This joke has to be told to someone in person
This joke has three parts. A man is driving and his wife asks him to slow down, he slaps her an says I'm the one driving not you .
The second part is, the woman is cooking food for her and her husband and the husband asks her not to put so much salt in, she slaps him and says I'm the one cooking not you
The fourth part is...
person listening: what you said there were three parts.
*slaps*
I'm the one telling the joke not you
A woman is watching the news, and it says that there is a car driving down the wrong side on the road her husband takes to work.
Worried, she calls her husband and says: 'be careful on the road, there's a car driving the wrong way where you are'
The husband replies, 'I know...
But there's not just one car, there's hundreds of them!'
Sorry if this has been posted before, couldn't find it from searching.
I need a woman who is beautiful... I need a woman who is a wildcat in bed with a high s**... drive... I need a woman who is wealthy...
...and I need these women to never meet.
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
Two blondes were driving down a road
After a while they see a blond woman in a field trying to row a boat. Disgusted, one of the blondes said: "It's women like her that make us look dumb." "Agreed", says the other blonde, "she's just lucky that I cannot swim, otherwise I'd swim over to her and punch her in the face..."
A blonde woman is driving through the countryside when she spots another blonde woman sitting in a canoe in the middle of a field, trying to row through the grass.
Feeling very angry she pulls over her car, stomps over to the fence, and calls out to the woman in the canoe. It's women like you who make blondes look s**.... If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your a**...!
Drunk driver
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn't her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "mam, he could do that in his own backyard.
3 women meet for brunch after a wild night...
1st woman says "girls I got so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks".
2nd woman says "you think that's bad? After I dropped you two off, I drove home. I was so hammered I ended up driving through my garage door and kept going. Destroyed my garage, my husband says it's going to cost 5 grand to fix".
3rd woman goes "When I got home I decided to take a bath and light some candles. I was so drunk, I passed out, knocked over the candles and ended up burning down my whole house".
1st woman exclaims "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"
Just In Time
A cop was on night patrol driving up near lover's lookout when he noticed a parked car with a young man reading on the front seat and a young woman knitting on the back seat. He pulled over and walked up to their car. "What are you doing, Son?" the cop asked. "Reading," the young man answered. The cop shone his flashlight on the back seat. "And what is she doing?" "She's knitting," the young man answered. "How old are you?" the cop asked suspiciously. "I'm twenty one," the man answered. "And how old is she?" the cop asked. The young man looked at his watch, "In forty five minutes she'll be eighteen."
Scientists have discovered a food that reduces a woman's s**... drive:
Wedding cake
A woman and her 10 year old son are driving in a taxi at night in Detroit…
It's raining hard and and all the prostitutes are huddled under an awning. The young boy asks his mom, what are those ladies doing? The mom responds, they're all waiting for their husbands to get off work.
The taxi driver is annoyed and responds, Lady, just tell your son the truth! They are prostitutes and they have s**... with random men for money! The boy asks, mom, is this true? She responds, yes son, it's true.
The boy then asks, what happens to their babies? Mom responds, they grow up to be taxi drivers!
A woman drives a car
A blonde woman drives a car and hits a cop. She stops and checks if he's still alive, no vital signs. Panicked, she calls the emergency service.
W: *Hello, is this 911?*
D: *Yes, this is 911, what's your emergency?*
W: *You're now 910.*
Driving home, a man sees a car stuck in a ditch
Driving home, a man sees a car stuck in a ditch.
As he approaches a beautiful brunette steps out.
Man: "Wow! Your the second pregnant woman I've pulled out of this ditch today!"
Woman: "I'm not pregnant!"
Man: "Well you're not out of the ditch yet either!"
Source: overheard on my wife's phone while she was browsing some app and it made me chuckle
RIP Barry Cryer - a true comedy great
From his obituary:
> Cryer, the master of the comedy sketch and the instant one-liner, was once asked by the Yorkshire Post for his favourite joke. He recalled one he had told in a student r**... in 1955.
>"A man drives down a country lane and runs over a cockerel. He knocks at a nearby farmhouse door and a woman answers.
>"'I appear to have killed your cockerel,' he says. 'I'd like to replace it.' The woman replies: 'Please yourself - the hens are round the back.'"
I saw this one reposted here earlier this week..
