Woman Driver Jokes
90 woman driver jokes and hilarious woman driver puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about woman driver that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Woman Driver Short Jokes
Short woman driver jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The woman driver humour may include short woman driving jokes also.
- Did you know woman turn into good drivers. So be careful while they turn, because they might hit you.
- A truck driver runs over a woman. Whose fault is it? The truck driver's, he was driving through her kitchen.
- A guy called British Airways before his flight from London to Paris: Hi, I have a question. Can I fly to France using my drivers license? No , said the woman. You need a plane
- What did the inpatient woman tell the Uber driver? Hurry up. I'm in desperate need of a Lyft.
- I'm a truck driver, and today I saw a homeless woman holding up a sign that said please help, I am deaf . My air horn disagreed
- I nearly got run over by a woman driver today. Luckily I managed to jump into the road just in time.
- Trafic policeman: "Didn't you hear my whistle, madam?"
Woman driver: "Yes, but I don't like flirting while I'm driving."
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Woman Driver One Liners
Which woman driver one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with woman driver? I can suggest the ones about women drivers and women driving.
- I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way. Through the driver's door.
- My mom always used to say "50 is the new 20!" Lovely woman, lost her driver's license...
- Woman driver is like a star on the sky You see her, she doesn't see you.
- A dating ad Ex rally driver is looking to meet a curvy woman.
- Why was Hellen Keller such a bad driver? She was a woman.
- How does a woman know she's had s**... with a race car driver? Rubber's Burnt.
- Why was Helen Keller such a terrible driver? She was a woman
- What do you call a really bad driver in France? A woman.
Cheerful Woman Driver Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
What funny jokes about woman driver you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lady driver jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make woman driver pranks.
A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
A Pontiac takes examinations for the driver’s licence for the fourth year in a row.
The examiner asks him "So, you’re running on the street. You have a mountain on your right and there’s a cliff on your left. There are two women in your way; the one young and the other an old woman. Which one are you going to hit?"
"Of course the old woman!"
The examinet frustrated "I told you last year! You hit the brakes!"
A police officer stopped a driver for speeding.
"Can I see your driving license?"
"I don’t have it, I had it removed because of point system."
"Can I see your license for the vehicle?"
"But it is not my car, I stole it."
"Stole it?"
"Right, let me think, I think I saw the permition before in the glove box when I put my gun in there."
"There is a gun in the car?"
"Yes sir, I put it right there, when I shot and killed the woman driving this car and then put the body back to the trunk."
"There is a corpse in a car?"
"Right, sir."
After all these he calls the police chief.
And soon the car gets surrounded by police.
The captain approaches the driver to handle the situation.
"Sir, can I see your qualification?"
"Of course, ultimately, there it is."
"In fact, it’s OK, and to whom does the car belong to?"
"It is mine, there is my license as well."
"uld you open the glove box, is there a gun inside?"
"Of course, take a look, there is nothing."
"Do you mind opening the trunk too? They told me that you put a body in there."
"No problem, take a look."
"Empty too! But I do not understand, the officer who stopped you told us that you said that you did not have a driving license, that you stole the car, that you had a gun in the glove box and that there was a dead body in the trunk."
"Oh right! I bet he told you that I was running and speeding!"
This woman was driving home in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
She stopped the car and asked the woman if she'd like a ride.
The woman thanked her and got in the car.
After a few minutes, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the back seat and asked the driver what was in the bag.
The driver said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman thought for a moment, then said, "Good trade."
In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
Bus Stop Blonde
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again,
and much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip
a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be good samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body?!
I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped
my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."
Typical dumb blonde...
Billy-Bob and Jimmy are standing at the base of a flag-pole, looking up and scratching their heads, when a beautiful blonde woman walks by and inquires about their purpose.
"We've been hired to find out the height of this here flag-pole, such that we might fit it properly with the flag of this great nation." Billy-Bob replied, "But we just don't have a ladder!"
The blonde looks up, turns around and walks off, only to return moments later with a screw-driver and measuring tape. The blonde proceeds to unscrew the flagpole from the base, lay it on its side, measure it, and return the pole back to its upright position. The blonde smiles at Billy-Bob and Jimmy, exclaiming happily:
"That flagpole is exactly 15 feet long!" She turns and continues on her way, happy with her effort and goodwill.
Billy-Bob turns to Jimmy, shaking his head at their wasted time. "Isn't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
In a crowded city…
at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"
Benefits of hairspray, who knew?
A young guy was driving down the road. He had been fired earlier that day, and his girlfriend had broken up with him just the day prior. While thinking of his predicament the young driver doesn't see the young rabbit in the road, and sadly hits the poor animal.
The young driver pulls over rushes to check on the animal. When the young guy finds the poor dead thing on the side of the road he finally breaks down, and starts to bawl.
A female driver sees this scene, and pulls over to help this hysterical man. She approaches and asks if she can help, but the only thing the man can do is just cry. The woman stops, thinks, and then goes back to her car.
She comes back with a can, and sprays the dead rabbit. Suddenly the rabbit springs to life! It hops away about ten feet then turns and waves. The rabbit keeps on doing this. Hopping about ten feet, then it would turn, and wave.
The male driver can't believe it. He looks over and reads the can. HAIRSPRAY: Revitalize dead hair and add wave!
Cop pulls over a car for driving too slow
Cop walks up to the car & sees an elderly woman behind the wheel.
Cop: *Excuse me ma'am, can you tell me why you were driving so slow on the highway?*
Driver: *Officer, I was only going the speed limit. There was a sign back a half mile that said the it was 14mph.*
Cop: *Ma'am, the speed limit is 55mph, the sign you saw was for this road, Highway 14.*
Driver: *Oh my, that makes a lot of sense now. I apologize & I'll make sure I look closer at the signs.*
The cop then looks around the car & notices that all of the passengers look like they've seen a ghost.
Cop: *Is everyone alright?*
Driver: *Oh yes. They'll be fine. They always have that look on their face after I drive on memorial highway.*
Cop: *You mean highway 151?*
------
(Edit spelling / punch line. re: comments)
The mini skirt.
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman gets on a bus...
with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
Five old ladies in a car . . .
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A driver walks into a bar with a pet...
A driver walks into a bar with A pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his Mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, Each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth As the crowd gasped. After a minute, The man grabbed a beer Bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of Its head.
The croc opened his mouth And the man removed his g**... unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, And the first of his free Drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........
'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard With The Beer Bottle:)
Natalie
A guy hails a cab at the airport and tells the driver to go to a certain address. When he gets there he sees a beautiful three story townhouse in a upper-class part of town. He knocks and an attractive woman opens the door.
"I wanna see Natalie"
The lady looks the man up and down, he clearly doesn't have a lot of money.
"Sir, to see Natalie you will have to pay $1,000 for half an hour"
"No problem, I have money"
Just then a gorgeous brunette in a black evening gown comes down the stairs and the guy looks at her
"Natalie?"
"Yes?"
"I want to spend a little time with you"
She smirks at the man's appearance
"It will cost you $1,000"
The guy takes out a roll of cash and hands it to her, they go upstairs, do the dirty and he leaves half an hour later. The next day the guy is back, he knocks, the madame opens and is quite surprised that the guy is back
"I wanna see Natalie"
"Well it's still $1,000"
"O.K., I have the money"
He shows her the money, he goes upstairs, hands the money to Natalie, spend half an hour poking her clam and leaves.
So it continues for three more days, after the fifth day Natalie turns to him while he's dressing and says
"You know it's the first time that somebody came back so many times; where are you from?"
"I am from Michigan"
Natalie sits up. "Really? I have a sister in Michigan"
The guy grins and replies "I know, she gave me $5,000 to give you"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman driving through the desert runs over a Jack rabbit...
Distraught, she pulls over and begins to s**.... Another driver pulls up, gets out of their vehicle, and asks what is wrong.
"Oh! I've killed that poor rabbit!" The woman exclaims.
"Don't worry about something so silly, I can fix this!" The other driver exclaims, then walls over and opens her trunk. She pulls out an aerosol spray can, walks over, and sprays the dead rabbit from head to toe.
After a moment, the rabbit twitches, gets up, hops a few feet, stops, then waves its paw at them. Over and over, as the recently forlorn woman watches in amazement, the rabbit hips a few feet further away, stops, waves, etc, etc.
"That's incredible!" The first woman says, "let me see that can!"
The second woman hands her the can. The label reads:
Aqua net adds new life and a permanent wave to damaged hair.
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?
These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
22 mph speed limit
Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"
The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before you go, ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 136."
Speeding Drivers
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."
A blonde woman in a sports car is cruising down the highway...
...when she gets pulled over by a police car.
Who should step out of the police car but a female, blonde cop.
The cop walks up to the blonde in the sports car and says Hi. I noticed you were going a little fast back there. Can I see your driver's license?
The blonde grabs her purse and rummages around for a minute and then looks at the cop and says um, what does it look like?
The cop says It's a little square thing and it has your picture on it.
The blonde looks back in her purse and spots a little square compact mirror. She pulls it out and looks at it. Sure enough, right there in the middle is her face.
She hands it to the police officer. The cop takes a look at it and immediately hands it back.
Oh, I'm sorry, you're free to go. I didn't know you were a cop.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Want a screwdriver?
Rich woman and her driver are out in the country. They get a flat tire, and of course the driver can't get the hubcap off. The woman searches the tool bag, and spies a tool that will help. "You want a screwdriver?" she asks.
"Might as well, I can't get this d**... hubcap off."
A blonde woman locks her keys inside her car...
And so she calls a locksmith to open it. When the locksmith (who is also blonde) gets there she pulls out her Slim Jim tool to open the door when she notices a problem, the driver side window to the car is wide open.
The locksmith looks to the driver and says, "Ma'am I can't use this tool on a door when the window is open, you're going to have to close it first."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman and her baby get on a bus...
and the bus driver looks over and says, "Good God! That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
The woman is fuming as she takes her seat next to a man. She looks over and says, "That bus driver just insulted me!"
The man replies, "Then you go let him have it! Go on! I'll hold your monkey."
Just another blonde joke
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" the driver asked.
"It's square and has your picture on it." The policewoman replied.
The driver finally found a square mirror and handed to the policewoman.
"Here it is." she said
The blonde officer and looked at the mirror and said,
"Sorry, I didn't realize you were a cop. You can go."
A blonde woman waves a cab
She asks the cab driver
"How much do you charge to drive me to the nearest airport?"
The cab driver answers
"Around 20 bucks"
The woman then says "I'm carrying luggage, do these get charged?"
Driver: "No, i don't charge for luggage"
The woman smiles, leaves her luggage in the cab and then says
"see you at the airport then, ill take the bus"
Ugly Child Joke
A woman had an ugly child. One fine afternoon she was travelling on a bus, when suddenly the driver sees her child. The driver goes " Oh that is one ugly looking child."
Mother obviously was angry. She cursed at the driver and changed her seat. The whole time she sat on a different seat she kept mumbling.
A guy gets in the bus at the next bus stop. He noticed the lady was obviously angry at something but couldnt figure what. He went to the lady and asked why she was so angry and if he could help. The lady told her the driver was rude to her.
The guy said "Well, if I were you I would go punch him in the face."
The woman said, " you are right, maybe I should do that too."
The guy then says,"why dont you go punch that driver in the face and in the time being let me hold that monkey for you."
Cop Joke
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A n**... lady ran into Akpos' taxi
A n**... lady ran into Akpos' taxi. She told the driver where she was going.
Akpos didn't start the car but he was just staring at the woman over and over again.
The lady looked at him and said, what's your problem, man? Haven't you seen a n**... lady before? Akpos replied, I am not looking at your nakedness, I was just wondering where you kept the money you are going to pay me.
One woman stops a taxi....
"To the airport, please." After a few minutes, the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says, "You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today." She says, "Are you kidding me? I am not pregnant." "Well, you haven't arrived at the airport yet, either.
Just say "thank you" and drive away
A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...
... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous s**... they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a p**... and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Woman got her expensive car crashed by a hasty driver
She get outside and yell: "Do you have any idea how much b**... I've made for this car!?"
A blonde woman was speeding
down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."
[My first ever submission!] A man is driving through a shady part of town...
...When he pulls up at a stop sign.
A woman of the night, about 3 inches tall, approaches his car and shouts to him in a voice that betrays any femininity; "Hey darl, you looking for a good time? I'm only 10 cents per hour."
The driver replies "Sorry, I don't want any micro-transactions."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Professionalism
Fully n**... Lady gets into taxi, Driver looks at her top to bottom repeatedly..
Lady asks, "Haven't u ever seen a n**... woman before?"
Driver: It's not that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..
A woman tells her husband she was diagnosed with cancer.
Her husband tells he's very sad and sorry for her. Once they get to bed, the wife asks:
'Honey, when I'll be... dead, will you marry someone else?' The husband thinks for a while. 'No.'
'Why not? Don't you like being married?' 'If you want me to, then yes.' 'Will she sleep in my part of the bed?' she asks mournfully. 'I guess she will.' answers the husband. 'Will you replace all my photos?' 'Of course not, I'll keep the ones I love most.' 'Will she drive my car?' 'No, she doesn't have a driver's licence.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Haven't u seen a n**... woman before?
Fully n**... British Lady gets into taxi. Chinese Driver looks at her top to bottom repeatedly..
British Lady asks,
"Haven't u seen a n**... woman before?"
Chinese Driver: I no look you n**.... I plenty frightened. I look look. Where you keep money pay me?
Old Soviet joke. A woman runs to catch a bus.
She just makes it in time. "Thank God!" She exclaims as she gets on.
The bus driver shakes his head disapprovingly. "You know you cannot give thanks to God," he says. "You must instead give thanks to Comrade Stalin."
"And what if Comrade Stalin dies?" Asks the woman. "What should I do then?"
"Well if Comrade Stalin dies, then you can give thanks to God."
A woman cried out that her son had just been hit by a moped!
The driver, nearly at the edge of town, screeched to a stop, returned to the scene of the crime, and said, "Actually its a Vespa." Before fleeing the scene again.
A woman kept berating her maid that she was good for nothing all the time
One day the maid couldnt take it anymore .She shouted "Atleast I'm better than you in bed "
The woman was shocked,then she recovered and asked "Did my husband tell you that?"
Maid "No,your driver did "
A taxi driver picks up a woman from the airport who sits in the back as a passenger
The woman wanted to ask a question so she leans forward and taps the driver's shoulder to get his attention.
The driver gets startled so bad that he loses control of the cab, nearly hits a bus, swerves to barely dodge a light pole and finally halts near a glass bus stand.
The woman and driver both horrified stay paused for a few seconds then regain their mentality. The woman quietly says Oh my god, I'm so sorry I didn't think you would be startled like that , the driver looks back and says it's okay, I'm actually the one who is sorry, today is my first day driving a cab. For the past 25 years I've been driving a hearse
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman and her baby get on a bus to head out for some errands. The bus driver mumbles: 'Wow, that's one *ugly* baby!' The woman was absolutely livid and storms to the rear of the bus to sit. The man next to her asked if she was OK. She replied: 'No, the driver just insulted us!'
The man replied: 'You should go back and tell him off! Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'
A woman gets on a double decker bus.
She steps onto the bus and begins her ascent to the upper deck and a hefty gust of wind comes in and blows her dress up.
The bus driver, looking up the steps at her says but airy up there ma'am
To which she replies, what'd you expect, feathers?
A blonde gets pulled over for speeding
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.
The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The officer replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the officer. "Here it is," she said.
The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman walks into a bar with a gun and snarls "who had s**... with my husband!?"
In the back a lone nun raises their hand.
"My husband had s**... with a nun!?!" the woman exclaims.
The nun replies, "Actually I'm just a bus driver."
Driver instructor teaching a woman how to drive
Instructor : you're driving on the road and suddenly your husband, son and daughter cross the street, what do you step on?
Woman : i step on my husband
Instructor : no, this is third time i tell you "step on the brakes!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Here is a joke I heard from watching Jake and Amir.
A woman is boarding a bus with her newborn baby in her hand. The bus driver takes one look at the baby and says" ma'am that is the ugliest baby that I have laid my eyes on"
The woman appalled at the statement as she should be sits next to a man
The man says that the lady should not have to take that c**... from anyone so he says
" ma'am you go ahead and tell the driver off, here I'll hold your monkey" .
Uber driver came to return woman's lost purse
Woman : Thanks but..it is so weird because I remember it containing only a single 100$ note, but now there are ten 10$ notes inside it. How's that possible?
Man: Yeah because everytime I had gone to return someone's wallet or purse, they said they don't have any change to reward me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The ugliest baby
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, Ugh! That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.
The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, The driver just insulted me!
The man says, You go and give him a telling off. I'll hold your monkey for you.
A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop…
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman gets on to a bus, holding her unfortunately ugly baby.
The driver laughs and says "what an ugly kid!"
Fuming, the woman sits down and turns to the man next to her. "That driver was so rude to me. I should really give him a piece of my mind."
The man nods sympathetically. "You go tell him, I'll hold your dog."
Drunk driver
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn't her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "mam, he could do that in his own backyard.
How to one lady got out of a speeding ticket.
The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.
She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Tallahassee."
The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."
Irate woman to bus driver as she enters. 'what bus is this' driver 'its number 15 just like it says on the front'. irate woman 'but on the front it says 15, on the side 15a, and on the back 155' . Bus driver
'well I'm not driving backwards or sideways am i?'
A blonde driver and a blonde cop....
A blonde woman is speeding down the highway and gets pulled over by a blonde cop, the cop goes up to the blonde's window and says "I need to see your license ma'am." The driver says she doesn't know what that is and the lady officer says "It's that little thing in your purse with your face in it." The driver pulls out her compact mirror and holds it up to the cop, "You mean this?" The blonde cop looks at the mirror and says, "I'm so sorry ma'am, I didn't know you were a cop, have a nice day."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman and her 10 year old son are driving in a taxi at night in Detroit…
It's raining hard and and all the prostitutes are huddled under an awning. The young boy asks his mom, what are those ladies doing? The mom responds, they're all waiting for their husbands to get off work.
The taxi driver is annoyed and responds, Lady, just tell your son the truth! They are prostitutes and they have s**... with random men for money! The boy asks, mom, is this true? She responds, yes son, it's true.
The boy then asks, what happens to their babies? Mom responds, they grow up to be taxi drivers!
A POLICEMAN pulls over a speeding car and takes out his little book.
The driver lowers her window.
policeman: Name, please?
Woman: Freda.
Policeman: Surname?
Woman: Gonow.
Policeman: So you are Freda Gonow.
Woman: Thanks very much , and she takes off!
A blonde woman is speeding down an empty road when she's pulled over by a blonde cop. The cop walks up to her window and asks for her driver's license.
Driver's license? the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.
You know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse, the blonde cop explains patiently.
Oh, that! the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectangular mirror, which she hands to the blonde cop.
The blonde cop looks at the mirror and exclaims, Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, you're free to go…I didn't realize you were a cop!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman gets on a bus carrying her baby. The driver says 'Oh my, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen' The woman goes to her seat with an angry rage building. The man sat next her asks 'What's the matter?' To which the woman says the driver was so rude to her she might lose it...
'That's outrageous' says the man 'You should go and tell him off for whatever he said. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you whilst you do'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman with a baby and she decides to take the bus...
When she enters the bus, the bus driver says "thats an ugly baby." The now furious woman goes to sit in the back of the bus, the man beside her notices that she is mad and he askes what the problem was. The woman said "the bus driver insulted me" so the man responded with "really... you should go confront the driver, i'll hold your monkey for you."
Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone
It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.
She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"
Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"
Then he notices 3 other older ladies in the back seat whose faces were white as a sheet.
He asks the driver whats wrong.
Her - "Oh, we just came off I-215"
A policeman stops a car that is going very slowly on the I40 highway, and says to the driver "Why are you going so slow? You're holding up traffic!"
"Well," says the man, "the signs say I40."
"That's the road number," says the policeman, "not the speed limit."
Then he notices a woman in the back seat, trembling all over. "Is your passenger all right, sir?" he asks.
"Don't worry officer," says the man, "my wife is always like that when we come off Hwy I170."
I finally caught her.
I jumped into a cab and asked the driver to follow my wife's car. From a safe distance, I saw her turn into the motel parking lot. I told the cabbie, "I'll pay you an extra $100 if you go in there and bring her out."
Without hesitating, he jumped out of the car and trotted to the motel. After a few minutes, during which I could hear a lot of commotion, he came back to the car, dragging a woman by the arm. "Hey, what gives?", I protested. "This isn't my wife!" "I know, she's mine. I'll be right back with yours."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman boards a bus with her baby.
The bus driver looks at her baby and exclaims, "Yikes! That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
The woman, now obviously upset, walks to the back of the bus and finds a seat next to another man. She says, "I'm upset, the driver just insulted me!"
The man responds, "You shouldn't let anyone insult you. Go up there and tell him off. I'll hold your monkey for you until you're back."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman accidentally crashed her car into a van because she was using a v**... while driving. The hospital said she is in stable and extremely relaxed condition.
The driver of the van said he never saw her coming.
A blind woman got on a bus. Sadly, all the seats were taken.
A man noticed that no one else on the bus was willing to give up their seat for the blind woman, so he kindly guided her to his seat and took a standing spot. As the bus started up, the man frowned at the others for their selfishness.
Later that day, the man came home in tears, covered in bruises.
"What's the matter?" asked the man's wife.
"I lost my job as a bus driver."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why banks fail
Why banks failed?
A n**... & drunk woman boards a cab in America.
Driver of the cab, keeps staring at her and does not start the cab
Woman: Haven't you seen a n**... woman before?
Cabbie: calm down. I am not staring at you. I am just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me?
Moral:
This is what most of the banks failed to do. Assessing the repayment capacity before enjoying exposure…
A group of passengers are riding the bus to work…
Suddenly, the engine splutters and the bus grinds to a halt at the side of the road. The driver gets out, opens the engine compartment, and peers inside, cursing and swearing.
After a while the passengers get restless. A woman pulls a small toolkit out of her purse, gets up and goes outside, and sees the driver frantically trying to reattach a loose electrical cable with his fingers.
Would you like a screwdriver, she asks.
I'd love one, he replies, but we're ten minutes late already !
