Woman And Her Dog Jokes
92 woman and her dog jokes and hilarious woman and her dog puns to laugh out loud. Read bar jokes about woman and her dog that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Woman And Her Dog Short Jokes
Short woman and her dog jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The woman and her dog humour may include short dog sitting jokes also.
- A man goes to the movies and sees a large dog sitting next to a woman watching the film He says to her "I am surprised your dog is enjoying this movie"
The woman replies "Me too, he hated the book" - Dogs are truly woman's best friend If you don't believe it, lock your dog and husband in your trunk.
Wait an hour, open it and see who is happier to see you again! - A guy sees a woman walking her dog... Guy : Wow I didn't know you could walk a cow !
Woman : I'm sorry but this is a dog.
Guy : Yes I know, I was talking to the dog. - An overweight woman decided to start walking her dog to get exercise... She stopped after realizing the effort it took to steer her scooter.
- Taking your dog walkin is great way to find women. But what if you want to find a woman who's alive?
- What is it a man does standing, a woman does sitting and a dog does with one leg lifted? Shake hands
- After being on tinder for a year I finally got swiped right~! But I swiped left because the profile said, "Must love dogs" and I was actually looking for a woman.
- If your woman is screaming outside the front door and dog is barking outside the back door who do you let in? The dog. At least it with shut up when it gets in
- A Man's Guide to Fine Dining A man invited a woman over to his home for a seven-course meal.
That's lovely, she said. What are we going to have?
He said, A hot dog and a six-pack of beer. - When a woman was asked why she had two seeing-eye dogs, she said The second one's for reading
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Woman And Her Dog One Liners
Which woman and her dog one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with woman and her dog? I can suggest the ones about dog owner and woman driving.
- A woman and a dog once fell in love. He buried his bone in her backyard.
- What do you call a woman with a cat, a dog and a budgie on her head? Yvette
- A woman named Paula magically became a dog. Her name is now... Pawla
- A Chinese woman takes her dog to the vet. Something is Wong with him.
- Have you ever been to the sister city of Kathmandu? It's called Dog-Woman-Don't
Gather Around for Fun Woman And Her Dog Jokes and Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about woman and her dog you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kids dog jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make woman and her dog pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was very proud of his guard dog, he would leave it to roam free in the garden to sow the world his house was guarded.
One day a woman knocked at his door.
“Is that your big dog outside?”
Wondering how she had got past him he said: “Yes why?”
She said "I’m sorry but my dog just killed him!”
“What?” Roared the man “What kind of dog have you got?”
“A Peke” Replied the woman.
“A Peke? How could that little thing kill my big fine guard dog?”
“I think it got stuck in his t**...!” replied the woman.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar and notices a large pile of $10 bills ....
He asks the bartender what the pile of money is about, and the bartender tells him, "We have a long-running contest here. You put in $10, and if you can complete three tasks, you get to walk away with the whole pile."
"What are the three tasks?" asks the man.
"Well, first you have to go over there in the corner, grab that large bottle of tequila, and c**...-a-lug the whole thing in one go without making a face.
"Second, you have to go out back where we keep Killer, our crazy mongrel wild dog, and extract one of his teeth using only your bare hands.
"If you get this far, you're going up to the fourth floor. There's an 80-year-old woman living there. She's a v**..., and you have to deflower her."
"Fine," says the man, "I can do this." He throws down his $10, goes over to the corner, grabs the tequila, and downs the whole thing without making a face. The bar patrons give him a light round of applause.
Already feeling tipsy, he stumbles to the back door. For the next three minutes, horrible, guttural animal sounds emanate. He stumbles back in, hair wild, clothes torn to shreds, covered in cuts, bruises, and blood, and growls, "Alright, now where's that old lady who needs her tooth pulled?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man walks into Bar with a Dog ...
Man walks into Bar with a Dog and orders 2 Glasses of Whiskey.
He & his Dog empty the Glasses.
Girl behind the Bar is surprised and asks - Can your Dog perform any other tricks?
Man-Yes, He can fully satisfy a Woman.
Girl is too curious.. Deciding that she'll test the dog, she undresses and lies in full expectation.
Dog looks at her and does nothing....
Man to Dog: It's always the same with you, now this is the last time I am showing you how to do it..
an elderly woman's dog jumps off a retaining wall
a German tourist passes by and see the elderly woman and decides to jump in after the the dog. He swims the dog back to shore and the woman comes up to him and asks him if hes a vet and the tourist replys "Vet? im vucking soaked".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Dutch connection
Two people are in a restaurant in Amsterdam sitting at the bar. Both are drinking and both look depressed. After a while the man turns to the woman and says:
"Excuse me, I'm looking across and you're a very beautiful woman, you look incredible, but you look so depressed, why?"
"Well, you see the problem is my husband, he's left me, he says I'm too k**... in bed."
"My god, that's incredible, my girlfriend left me, she says I'm too k**... in bed."
After a while the woman turns to the guy and says: "Hang on, I've got a fantashtic idea, let's go back to my place for some fantashtic k**... s**...."
"I like where you're coming from, let's go.
So they get back to her place and are making out in the hallway, she puts a finger to his lips and says: "Hang on, let me go and change into something a little more **uncomfortable**."
She goes to her bedroom and comes back 10 minutes later in a full on PVC gimpsuit, gimp mask and gimp ball in her mouth, 12" strap-on, whip in the right hand, tapioca pudding in the left, but he's getting his coat on ready to leave.
She takes the gimp ball out of her mouth and says in surprise: "Hang on, I thought you wanted some fantashtic k**... s**...?"
He says "Yeah, I shagged your dog and s**... in your purse, I'm done."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many sheep?
A blonde woman is tired of people assuming she's s**... and dyes her hair red. Feeling empowered, she goes for a car ride down a country road. Soon she sees a farm with hundreds of sheep. She walks up to the owner of the farm and makes this proposal: "These sheep are adorable, if I guess how many there are, can I keep one?" The farmer agrees, surely out of all the sheep this woman can't guess the number exactly. She looks around and replies "There are 593 sheep" The farmer is awe-struck, the number was exactly right. So the woman picks her sheep and is getting back in the car when the farmer runs up to her and yells "WAIT! If I can guess your natural color can I have him back?" The woman smiles and agrees, she already proved she's too smart to be called a blonde. The farmer replies "you're a blonde, now can I have my dog back?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot
with three bullets to her w**.... Miraculously she and all her children survived. However, a bullet had embedded in each of the three children. The doctor decided it would be best to leave the bullets. A few months later she gives birth to two beautiful daughters and a son, with no health complication.
~~~13 years later ~~~
The mother had decided that it would be best for the children if she never told them about the shooting. One day when one of her daughters was using the washroom she peed out the bullet. She freaked out and ran to her mother, "Mom, mom I was just using the washroom and I peed out a bullet, what is going on?!" And the mom decided it was time to come clean. "I was shot 13 years ago, and a bullet has embedded in you and your brother and sister..." A few days later her other daughter comes running "Mom, mom I was just using the washroom and I peed out a bullet, what is going on?!" and the mother responded "I was shot 13 years ago, and a bullet has embedded in you and your brother and sister..." A few days, not to the mothers surprise her son came running "Mom, mom..." "Wait, let me guess , interrupted the mother, you were using the washroom and you peed out a bullet?" "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats the difference between a woman and a dog?
Put them both in the trunk of your car, drive around the block, and see which ones happy to see you afterwards.
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Be careful of your aim
A woman was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" So she goes, "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A ship went down on a reef...
There were only three survivors; a 25 year old man, a dog, and a cat.
They were washed up on a deserted tropical island. Food and water were no problem, but after a month the man started to get the urge to have s**.... As there were no other people, he was forced to choose between the dog and the cat. Naturally, he chose the dog - man`s best friend. But the cat had a jealous streak, and would always interrupt the man when he tried to have his way with the dog. The man tried all kinds of strategies, but it was no use. The cat never allowed him a chance to get it on with the dog.
Then one day, another ship went down on the reef. From this ship there was only one survivor; a beautiful 22 year old woman. She almost drowned in the surf as she made her way to the island, but the man rescued her - effectively saving her life.
The woman was so grateful that she offered to do anything for the man.
"Anything?" asked the man, already thinking about his carnal desires.
"Yes. Absolutely anything. I`ll do anything to show you my appreciation. For you are my savior," she replied.
"Well then", said the man, "I`d be delighted if you could take the cat for a walk for half an hour."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pint, a dog and an old lady
A guy goes into a bar and as he orders a drink he notices a jar at the end of the bar full of money. He says to the barman "what's that about?" to which the barman replies "you pay a tenner and have to complete 3 challenges, if you are successful you win all the money in the jar. Would you like to try it?" The man says he'll think about it and sits down with his drink. After about 8 pints the man staggers up to the bar and slams a tenner on down in front of the barman, "Okay pal, I'll have a go".
So the barman says "ok, challenge number 1, here's a pint of tequila, you have to drink all of that without coughing it up or being sick". It takes the man a couple of minutes but he finishes the drink.
"well done" says the barman. "The next challenge, there's a guard dog outside with a bad tooth, you need to go out there and remove it. After that, there's a woman upstairs, she's 83, never had s**... in her life. I want you go up there and show her a real good time".
So the man goes outside and for about 15 minutes there is a lot of barking, shouting and screaming. Then after a while it goes quiet. The barman walks outside to find out what's happened... The dogs dead. The man who's out of breath turns to the barman and says "Right... Where's this old lady with the bad tooth?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was an old woman walking her dog
A man came up to her and said that's an ugly pig.
The woman replied "Sir, that's not a pig."
The man said "I was talking to the dog!"
Does your dog bite?
Man walking in a park, sees a woman sitting on a bench with a dog at her feet. He walks up to her...
Man: *Does your dog bite?*
Woman: *No*
Man goes and pets the dog, then...
*OUCH!!! I thought you said your dog didn't bite!!!*
Woman: *That's not my dog.*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men are in a balloon...
an Australian, an American and a t**.... The balloon is being weighed down so the Australian says, "My country has to much Vegemite" and threw a jar of Vegemite over the side. The American says, "My country has to many Hot Dogs" and threw a Hot dog over the side. Still the hot air balloon is to heavy so the t**... says, "My country has to many bombs" and threw a bomb over the side. Later when the men are walking they came across a woman in tears, they stopped to ask what the matter was, "I was taking my cat to the Vet for a check up and a jar of Vegemite fell on its head and it died". After consoling her the three men went on. Not to long after they came across a homeless man looking very happy, they asked him what he was so happy about and he answered, "God answered my prayer, he dropped a Hot Dog into my hands". Later on the men were walking and they came across a man laughing his head off. The three men asked him "Whats so funny?" and he answered "I was watching TV, and i f**... so hard that my whole house blew up"
The intelligent dog
Roxy, a large black Labrador, was sitting up in his seat at the movies, wagging his tail, growling at the villain and barking excitedly at the hero's escapades. The woman in the seat behind him was intrigued.
Excuse me, she said, tapping Roxy's owner on the shoulder, that dog is extraordinary. I've never seen anything like it!
Yes, he's surprised me, too, said the owner. He hated the book.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman pregnant with triplets......
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily, the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a t**... and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a t**... and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened....you were taking a t**... and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American, Mexican, and Arab are in a plane...
They fly over America and the American drops a ball out of the plane. The others ask why and he replies, "This will make someone in my country very happy and I love my country."
They fly over Mexico and the the Mexican drops a flower out of the plane. The others ask why and he replies, "I love my country and wish to make it more beautiful."
When they fly over Iran, the Arab drops a bomb out of the plane. Seeing the shocked looks on the other's faces he says, "I hate this country."
When the American gets home he sees a boy crying on the street. He goes to see whats wrong and the boy says, "I was walking my dog and a ball fell from the sky and killed him!"
When the Mexican gets home he sees a woman crying holding her face. He goes to help and asks what the problem is. She cries out, "I heard a wooshing sound, looked up, and a flower stabbed me in the eye!"
When the Arab gets home he sees a man rolling on the ground laughing. He asks the man whats so funny and the man chokes out the worlds, "I f**... and the building behind me blew up!"
Dog at the bar
A man's sitting next to a dog at the bar
Woman walks in, "Is your dog friendly? I'm a dog lover, can I pet him?"
Man replies "sure"
Dog proceeds to bite woman
Irate woman to the man, "I thought you said your dog was friendly! "
Man replies, "That aint my dog"
Broccoli joke
So a woman walks into a grocery store and asks "do you have any broccoli" no says the guy stocking shelves. So the woman leaves. So the woman came back the next day and asked the same question, again the guy said no. So again the woman came back and asked again, so the guy finally said can you spell cat as in catostophe so she spells c-a-t. And can you spell dog as in dogborne? So she says d-o-g. Now can you spell freak as in broccoli? Then the woman says " there is no freak in broccoli, THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!!
A woman looks to move to a new neighborhood in a diffrent city
As the woman drives around the neighborhood she thinks it is perfect for her. she starts to notice there are no churches around the area she wants to move to. Being a woman of the church she continues to drive around the neighborhood to try and ask someone where she can find the closest church.
She drives by a black woman walking her dog and asks the woman.
"Excuse me mam but i would really love to move here. But there are no churches!"
The lady responds
"Church's? I dont know mam i goes to popeyes."
How to make a hard-nosed woman laugh and then cry?
It's a Chinese joke. very long time ago, there was a couple, the wife was a hard-nosed woman, who never laughed and was emotionless. One day the husband said to his bosom friend: if you can make my wife laugh and then cry, I give five bucks. The guy accept it, and went out. The woman was standing on the doorway, a dog by her side. This guy went straight to the dog, kneeled and said: "Dad" The woman laugh madly, then the guy kneeled down before the woman and said, "mom". She then was furious and cried also madly.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Topical Jokes for 6/1
A video has surfaced of Justin Bieber saying the n-word. People are calling it the least offensive Justin Bieber video ever.
In Illinois, a 115-pound-woman won a hot dog eating contest, after she ate 28 hot dogs. The judges then congratulated the 138-pound-woman.
The NSA is reportedly collecting millions of images per day to build a f**...-recognition database. The NSA is cataloguing the photos in a massive online database -- it's called Instagram.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pregnant woman goes to the doctor
... and she is worried about all the tasks she won't be able to do. She asks the doctor if she is still able to wash dishes. He tells her yes. She asks if she can still walk the dog. The doctor again tells her yes. Then she pauses for a moment. The doctor thinks he knows what she is about to ask. The woman starts to speak and says, "Doctor, my husband was wondering---" the doctor interrupted her and told her that yes, s**... was still permissible and would not harm the baby. The woman looks at him and says, "No doc, my husband was wondering if I could still mow the grass."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What happened to the dog?
A woman pregnant with triplets was a victim in a robbery, and was shot 3 times in the belly. She went to the doctor and he said although the bullets reached the triplets, it wasn't in a critical zone, and eventually the bullets would come out their bodies. 2 healthy girls and a boy were born.
After 12 years, one of the girls was peeing, when she peed the bullet.
- "Mommy, some metal thing just came out of me" - she said.
So, mom explained to her what had happened when she was pregnant.
A week after that, the other girl was peeing, the same thing happened, and the mom explained it again.
After another week, the boy was in the bathroom and calls his mom.
- "Mom, you won't believe what just happened!" - he screamed.
- "It's OK son, you just peed some metal thing, wasn't it?" - she replied.
- "What? No! I was m**... here in the bathroom when suddenly our dog died".
A man, a dog and a pig are in a boat...
Lost at sea, they wreck the boat and swim to a deserted island. Stranded there for months with little to do, the man begins to get urges and becomes oddly attracted to the pig. The man tries to mount the pig one day and out of no where the dog runs up and bites the man. Two days later, the man tries again. Again, the dog bites the man. The dog is not letting this happen. This continues to happen and suddenly, the man hears a cry from the water and sees a woman struggling as her boat is also wrecked and sinking. He quickly swims out to save the woman and brings her ashore. As she collects herself, she says to the man, "Thank you so much for saving my life! If there is anything I can do for you, and I mean anything, it will be done!" The man replies, "Can you take that dog for a walk?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
PIGS
A woman is walking her dog, when suddenly a man walks up to her.
Man: "Where'd you get the pig"?
Woman: "How DARE you call my dog that!"
Man: "I was talking to the dog!"
There once was a woman who had 100 children....
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety.
Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation.
One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
I shot the dog...
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a
masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother.
"I was having a pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears.
"Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears.
"It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So this guy is stranded on an island with a goat and a dog.
Days pass.. then weeks... then months... and years pass with no human contact. He starts to crave the urge to have s**....
So he looks around and sees the goat. Comes up with the idea to have s**... with it. He positions her right and is ready for some action. But just as he is about to pull his pants down, he sees the dog just staring at him. Uncomfortable, he decides to try again the next day.
Next day comes and he guides the goat to a hill side where he would like to do his deed. Just as he's about to pull his pants down, out of nowhere, he sees the dog staring at him. He gives up again.
A few days go by and he sees a boat sinking offshore. He hears this women screaming for help. He swims to her rescue and the woman is grateful to him.
Thanking him she says, "Can I do anything to repay you."
He replies, "Anything?"
"Yes, anything." she answers.
So then he asks, "Okay. Can you take the dog out for a walk?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pregnant woman goes to the bank.
A Pregnant Woman goes to the Bank and she gets shot 3 times in the stomach by a Robber.
Miraculously though her 3 triplets somehow managed to absorb the bullets in the w**....
The doctors cannot explain it and after a lot of research they still couldn't explain how it happened.
16 years later her oldest triplet came running down the stairs.
"Mum! Mum! I had a p**... and a bullet came out!" her daughter yelled.
"The doctor said this might happen" the mother said as she reassured her.
The next day her second daughter came down the stairs.
"Mum! Mum! I had a p**... and a bullet came out!"
And again the mother reassured her.
The third day her son came running the down the stairs yelling "Mum! Mum!"
"Let me guess you had a p**... and a bullet came out" the mother said.
"No! I was m**... and shot the dog!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy gets shipwrecked onto an island with a dog and a pig
So a guy gets shipwrecked onto an island with a dog and a pig. After years, he gets s**... urges and his mind visualizes the pig as a super hot woman. Everytime he tries to get the pig alone and put his arm around it, the dog starts barking loudly and scaring the pig to run away. One day a super beautiful lady gets washed ashore. He nurses her back to health and takes care of her. One day he's sitting right next to her staring at the beautiful sunset then leans into her ear and whispers " hey, can you go take the dog for a walk".
snake joke
A guy wearing a snake walks up to a hot dog stand and asks for a hot dog for his snake.The woman running the stand says they don't have any buns so it just would be the meat.He says that sorry My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun.
A woman pregnant with triplets is shot three times...
by a mugger in the stomach while she's walking home one night. The doctors save her and the babies but tell her that eventually the kids will have to have the bullets removed.
Well, they're born healthy, three strapping sons, and they grow normally and she forgets all about the bullets until one day one comes down, crying his eyes out. She asks him what's wrong and he says, "I was peeing and I peed out a bullet." She tells him the story and, satisfied, he goes on his way. Then another son comes down crying his eyes out. She asks him what's wrong and he also says, "I was peeing and I peed out a bullet." She tells him the story too and, satisfied, he goes on his way.
Then the third son comes down, crying his eyes out, and she says, "Let me guess, you were peeing and you peed out a bullet?" He shakes his head and replies, "No, I was jacking off and I shot the dog."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A reporter is doing an article on the russian rural life-style...
...and she ends up in a small village.
The first person she interviews is an old man.
Reporter: Can you tell me anything interesting about your village?
Old man: Well there was this one time when a dog from a neighbouring village got lost in our woods... so we found it and took turns having s**... with it.
The reporter now slightly scared replies: I'm afraid that's not something I can very well use, maybe something more...cheerful?
The old man replies: Very well, back in the day this very attractive woman from a neighbouring village got lost in our woods... so we found her and took turns having s**... with her.
The reporter now visibly disturbed replies: That's not going to work either... maybe something sad that happened then.
The old man replies: Well there was this one time when I got lost in the neighbouring forrest...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the woman who had 100 kids?
Well she s**... at naming children, so she decided to just number them in birth order. One, Two, Three, etc. Well, one day, her and all of her children were in a tragic plane accident and the only one who survived was 90. After years of grief and growing, 90 got married and had some kids of her own. One day, they found a stray dog and decided to keep it. But, just like her mom, she s**... at naming things. So they decided to call the dog, "That". After years, and years of a happy life, 90 and her husband became old and ill, eventually losing their memory. They didn't know who their children were or what their dogs name was. Only 90's kids will remember that.
A blonde woman dyes her hair red....
A blonde woman dyes her hair red because she's tired of the blonde jokes. One day she stops by a farm and asks the farmer, "If I can count how many sheep you have, can I keep one?" The farmer reluctantly agrees. After some counting, the blonde woman says, "there is 124 sheep in your farm." Shocked, the farmer counts them. Sure enough, there are 124 sheep. The woman picks one up and takes it to her car. Right when she's about to leave, the farmer knocks on her window and asks,"Ma'am, if I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Q: What do Muslim dogs wear to French beaches?
A: Anything they want! It's not like they're a *woman!*
The smartest dog
One day, two women were arguing about whose dog is smarter.
The first woman says, "My dog's so smart, every morning he waits for the paper-boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me."
The second woman replies, "I know.."
The first woman, surprisingly ask, "How do YOU know?"
The second woman says, "My dog told me."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When a woman snapchats herself with the "Dog" effect
is it alright then to call her a Bit.... you know what, never mind.
A young woman accidentally summons a genie.
"What is your wish?" asked the genie.
"World peace!" blurted the idealistic but naive young woman.
"People give me that all the time. I am not that powerful. Sorry. Wish something less powerful." replied the genie.
"This dog is very loyal and loves me. Turn him into a man so he will also be loyal and loves me." the woman asks the genie.
The genie snaps his fingers. The dog turns into a handsome young man and the genie disappears.
The young man sadly looks at the woman and says "I really wish you didn't have me neutered."
________________
with inputs from /u/KJBenson
A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot 3 times in the gut.
They rush her to the hospital and everything turns out ok. The babies are all fine.
12 years later one of her daughters comes to her worried "mom mom mom i was peeing and a bullet came out!"
"Thats strange." Says the mom.
A few days after that her other daughter rushes up "MOM MOM MOM i was peeing and a bullet came out!"
"Thats really strange" says the mom.
A few more weeks pass without issue, then her son comes up to her "MOM MOM MOM" she cuts him off "let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out."
"NO! I WAS JACKING OFF AND I SHOT THE DOG!"
Ninety
There was once a woman who had 100 children. She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out. In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
A woman brings her duck to the vet...
The vet lays it on the table and says, "Ma'am, I'm afraid your duck is dead."
"No it's not! He was fine in the car, I swear! I want proof!" So the vet leaves, and then walks back in with a black lab. The dog walks up to the duck, sniffs it and turns his head. Then the vet brings in a kitten, and it runs up to the duck, pawing at its wings.
"Hmm.." the vet says, "Looks like it really is dead. That'll be $550."
"What?! You're going to make me pay $550 just to tell me my duck is dead??" The woman screams.
"Well, ma'am, it was $5 for the check up and $545 for the lab results and the cat scan."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Blonde that wanted to prove she wasn't dumb.
A blonde woman kept getting told she was dumb because she was blonde.
She decided to dye her hair black and show people how smart she was.
She approached a farmer with a herd of sheep and asked him.
-"Sir, if i can guess how many sheep you have there, will you give me one?"
-"Well ma'am, i suppose, if you guess the exact number i'll let you have one".
-"Alright, you have 134 sheep".
-"I'll be d**..., that's exactly right, well, pick the one you like".
-"THIS ONE!"
-"If i guess the natural color of your hair, can i have my dog back?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A r**... is selling sausages.
A r**... is selling sausages. A woman walks up to him and places an order.
The woman asks, "Can I have one hot dog please?"
"How would you like your *meat*?"
The r**... gives the woman a wink
The woman replies, "In bread."
She shoots a wink back at him
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Woman can't get mating dogs apart
A woman had two dogs that she hadn't had fixed, but always kept them from mating. One night she wakes up at 2 AM to this terrible howling.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and is unable to separate them.
She called her vet ,who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his e**... and he will be able to withdraw.
Do you think that will work? she asked.
Just worked for me, he replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As i walk in the local shopping mall, a woman comes walking towards me
She asks me: "sir, do you have a moment for animal a**...?" As the good man I am, I say: "of course, madam." So i walked to the nearest dog and kicked it like a football. Apparently that was not what she meant...
A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.
A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.
The man asked "Would you mind if I throw him a bit?"
"Not at all," the woman replied.
The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.
Laughing Dog
A man walks into the cinema with a dog. They start watching the movie (a comedy) and laugh and laugh all the way through it.
When the lights go up, a woman who was sitting in the row behind tapped the man on the shoulder and said:
" I must say I was really surprised to hear your dog laughing all through the film.
"So was I" replied the man, " He hated the book!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Does h**... a woman's leg count as s**... harassment?
If so, my dog is gonna be facing a lot of allegations on Twitter.
Purebred Police Dog
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: "Purebred police dog $25."
Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen. In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad.
"How dare you call that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?" she yelled.
"Don't let his looks deceive you, ma'am," the man replied, "He works undercover."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Dog Pound
Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her t**.... Now they are going to put me to sleep."
The German Shepherd said "I chewed up my master' shoes yesterday and now they are going to put me to sleep."
The Great Dane said "My master is a beautiful twenty two year old woman. The other day she came out of the shower and bent over in front of me, so I mounted her and did my thing."
"So are you in here to be put to sleep too?" asked the others.
"No, I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
A woman is pregnant with triplets and is shot in the stomach 3 times...
The babies seem unharmed and she gives birth a few weeks later, 2 girls and a boy.
8 years later one of the girls comes to her crying and says she just peed out a bullet, so her mother explains what happened.
A year after that the second daughter comes to her crying, the mom asks why and she has also peed out a bullet, the mom explains what happened.
5 years later the boy comes to her crying and the mother asks "let me guess, you peed out a bullet?" To which the son responds "No, I was jacking off and shot the dog"
There was a Woman with 100 children...
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
Another of my favorite childhood jokes: taking the dog to the vet
A woman became concerned about her dog after he started showing little interest in things he used to love. She also noticed him spending most of the day sleeping and lagging behind on walks, so she decided to take him to the vet.
The vet picked up the dog and checked him all over, intensely studying the dog's condition. After a couple minutes, the vet said, "I'm going to have to put him down."
The woman teared up at the thought of losing her best friend and asked why.
The vet said, "Because my arms are getting tired."
A man was walking along the street with a brick on a leash, when ...
A man was walking along the street with a brick on a leash, when a lady came up to him and said: "What's your dog's name?". The man replied: "It's not a dog lady, it's a brick on a leash!". The woman walked away shaking her head. When she was gone, the man turned to the brick and said: "We sure fooled her, didn't we rover?"
A drunk old Irish man told me this one...
A man, a pig and his dog are marooned on a deserted island. After a couple of months in isolation the man becomes lonely and begins getting ideas about the pig. But every time he tries it on with the pig, the dog would start biting his leg and barking at him.
One day the man spots a beautiful woman floating on a raft out in the sea. He swims out as fast as he can and rescues her, and brings her onshore. The woman is overwhelmed with gratitude for him and says
Thank you for saving me, I will do anything you want .
With a cheeky glint in his eye, delighted with this offer, the man eagerly says
Brilliant! You see that dog? Go take him for a feckin walk
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,
She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.
15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"
The son replied, "No, what? I was m**... and I shot the dog."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My best joke in 40 year of joke telling
A woman goes to her doctor for a check up. During the post check up consult the doctor says
Mrs. Jones you are in very good health but, I couldn't help but notice the abrasions on your elbows and knees. Can you tell me what is causing them?
Sheepishly she responds Maybe it is because I like to make love d**...
Well,, perhaps if you do it in the m**... for a few weeks it will alive the abrasion
She says I tried that but I can't stand the dog's breath .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An inmate asked his cell mate what he was in for.
The man said he was in for murdering a man. He asked what he was in for.
Honestly I shouldn't be in here. They said it was because I had s**... with a woman.
The man raised an eyebrow and asked did she consent?
Yes. She consented.
How old was she?
23.
Then why did they put you in here?
The man scoffed and replied, they said dog years don't count.
A woman's dog falls into a river
She screamed for help and a strong Russian man jumped into the river and rescued the dog. After the dog was out, he told the lady to wrap him in towels to keep him warm. The lady asked "are you a vet?" And the Russian man replied "are you insane of course I'm wet."
A guy walks into a liquor store and ask for a case of Heineken.
The gal behind the counter replies, "Sorry. We're out of Heineken."
The guy shrugs his shoulders and says, "Fine. Make it Rolling Rock."
The woman replies, "Sorry, but the only cold beer we have in stock is Budweiser."
The man says, "Nope. No way. Last time I drank a case of Bud, I ended up getting sick and blowing chunks."
The cashier replies, "You drink a case of any beer you're gonna get sick!"
The man retorts, "No, you don't understand. My dog's name is Chunks."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman gets on to a bus, holding her unfortunately ugly baby.
The driver laughs and says "what an ugly kid!"
Fuming, the woman sits down and turns to the man next to her. "That driver was so rude to me. I should really give him a piece of my mind."
The man nods sympathetically. "You go tell him, I'll hold your dog."
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a dog!
Unless it's a repressed memory, I made this puppy up myself...
A woman walked into Dr Smith's office and introduced herself.
Hi, I'm Dr Yvette Tan, I've just become an accredited psychiatrist and would love to work as part of your medical practice .
Despite some misgivings, Dr Tan assured him she'd be needed eventually, and once he'd checked all her papers, he set her up in an empty office down the hall.
The next morning a man came in to see him and yelled out Doctor! I feel like I'm a dog!
Ah yes, the doctor replies, I think you'll need to see Yvette
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman drags her husband to the doctor,
He's been complaining for weeks about a sore stomach. The doc gives the man a full workover and deduces he is missing a vital enzyme mainly found in dog food. Reluctantly they agree to put him on the pet food diet to save his life.
A week later the doc sees her walking the street and asks how he's doing. "He's dead" She replies. The doc is understandably upset "How, dog food is not toxic?" She wipes a tear and says "He was hit by a car in the middle of the road l**... his g**..."
3 women meet for brunch after a wild night...
1st woman says "girls I got so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks".
2nd woman says "you think that's bad? After I dropped you two off, I drove home. I was so hammered I ended up driving through my garage door and kept going. Destroyed my garage, my husband says it's going to cost 5 grand to fix".
3rd woman goes "When I got home I decided to take a bath and light some candles. I was so drunk, I passed out, knocked over the candles and ended up burning down my whole house".
1st woman exclaims "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was dancing with a woman in a bar and things were getting heated.
"Want to go back to my place?" I asked.
"Of course," she grinned.
"Nice," I replied, handing her my keys. "Just let the dog out for a s**..., please."
I saw a woman taking her pet for a walk
But I couldn't tell if it was a dog or a rooster.
I walked up to her and said "excuse me, can I ask what kind of pet that is?"
The woman replied "he's a cocker spaniel"
So I guess she didn't know either.
