Woken Jokes
46 woken jokes and hilarious woken puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about woken that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Woken Short Jokes
Short woken jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The woken humour may include short awakened jokes also.
- Fun idea: Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.
- I was woken up again last night by the bulimic girl next door. I banged on the wall and shouted, "For God's sake, keep it down!"
- Have you ever woken up, kissed the person beside you and thanked the Lord you're alive? I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again.
- Black and white... I've just woken up with black and white squares all over my face.
I'll have to get this checked. - I told my son to believe in his dreams, and my wife got mad. She is probably just cranky though since we both just got woken up by our son who had a nightmare.
- I once had a dream that I was ugly and had no chance of getting a girlfriend, I still haven't woken up!
- I used to put my phone under my pillow so I could feel the alarm Now I just put it in my pants. I've never woken up happier
- I told her she has the most beautiful eyes and she started screaming... Apparently she doesn't like to be woken up by total strangers.
- I was woken up by a phone call telling me I've committed tax fraud They must have had the wrong number cause I don't pay taxes
- The first thing out of my mouth when I was very abruptly and rudely woken up by my neighbor blaring "Trapped in the Closet"... "Ugh, that's the second worse way to be woken up by R-Kelly!"
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Woken One Liners
Which woken one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with woken? I can suggest the ones about awoke and awake.
- I was woken on the plane by a panicky stewardess That's how i lost my job as a pilot.
- I was woken up today by a tap on my door Odd sense of humor my plummer has.
- I was woken up by the mailman trying to deliver a washbasin today. Let that sink in.
- What do you call a tree that has just woken up to it's wife's death? Mourning wood
- Most men like to be woken up with s**... except the ones in jail
- Unexpected s**... is a great way to be woken up... If you're not in prison.
Hilarious Woken Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about woken you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean waking jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make woken pranks.
Last night ...
I was woken out of a deep sleep by pounding on my front door and the neighbor's wife screaming "help!"
So I went downstairs, unlocked the front door, and let her out so she could go home!
I was staying in an Hotel
Last night I was staying in an hotel, trying to get some sleep after a long day of travel, meetings, and work.
I kept getting woken up by a woman screaming at me and beating on the door of the room.
She just wouldn't stop, I tried to ignore her as best I could but I finally came to accept the fact, after a few hours, if I wanted to get any sleep, I would have to let her out.
A barber, a bald guy and a professor go for a night camp in a jungle.
They decide to guard one by one during the night. Barber's turn comes first. Others sleep.
While guarding, he gets bored and amuses himself by shaving the professor's head.
Then professor's turn comes. He touches and feels his bald head and thinks, "Idiot barber has woken up the bald guy by mistake".
A woman is woken up late one night to the sound of her husband coming home.
He crashes into the bedroom reeking of booze, with a duck under his arm.
"What the h**...'s going on, Steve?" asks the woman.
"What do you think of the pig?"
"That's not a pig, it's a duck."
"I wasn't talking to you."
Kevin is woken up for school.
Kevin is woken up by his mother.
"Rise and shine, Kevin! Time to go to school!"
"But mom, I don't want to get up."
"No, you're getting up now, no excuses."
"Name me two good reasons for why I should get up now and go to school.."
"First of all: You're 54. And second of all, you're the principal!"
*Source: Hamburger Abendblatt issue #124*
Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for s**...?
can't wait to get out of prison.
Most women would be happy to be woken up on their birthday with breakfast in bed, flowers and 20 minutes of great o**... s**...!
But Oh no! Not my sister!
The last thing you want on a flight is to be woken by a panicking stewardess.
Particularly if, like me, you're the pilot.
I had a huge home party last night and I was unpleasantly woken up by a surprise b**....
Next time I'll sleep with my mouth closed.
I was woken up at 5am by a crow...
It just wouldn't stop cawing. After an hour I felt like shooting the d**... thing! Then another crow joined it and they started to have a jolly old conversation. I wanted to blow both their heads off! One more crow and there definitely would've been a m**....
I hate it when my neighbor mows the lawn at 7 in the morning
This one Saturday morning I get woken up by my neighbor's mower going at 7 in the morning. I have quite a bad hangover and I just decide screw him he can cut around me. .
Three guys go on a skiing trip together.
When they get to the ski lodge there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, "Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a h**...."
The guy on the left side of the bed has also woken up, and says that he's had the same dream, too.
The guy in the middle says, "Wow that's funny, I dreamed I was skiing."
got woken up to a tap on the door early this morning
i had to call the plumber to remove it
Three guys go on a skiing trip together and are forced to share a room with a single bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, "Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a h**...."
The guy on the left side of the bed has also woken up, and says that he's had the same dream, too.
The guy in the middle says, "Wow that's funny, I dreamed I was skiing."
The Prime Minister was not happy about being woken up
What did the Prime Minister say when he was awoken early to news of an urgent matter that required his immediate attention?
Ugh. I'm the PM, not the AM.
For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep,garden and drive.
I think I'm being stalked.
Have you ever woken up, kissed the person beside you, and just relax?
Well I just did and apparently I won't be allowed on this airline again
"You've woken up on the wrong side of the bed," said my wife.
"Shut up," I replied, "and get this mattress off me."
Just wanted to share an old joke I read a long time back.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson once go camping. In the middle of the night, Watson is woken up violently by Sherlock. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see." "The stars are shining so beautifully tonight." To which Sherlock replies,"No, you idiot! Our tent's been stolen."
I was woken late last night about 3am
By my next door neighbor in a very revealing negligee, bra, thongs and high heel boots, and asking to borrow a cup of sugar.
I said, f**... off dave, I've got work in the morning'.
An patient is heard laughing to himself at night in an asylum
'Why are you laughing?' Asks his neighbour after being woken from his sleep
I just told myself a joke replies the patient, before falling back asleep.
A couple of hours later the patient begins laughing again, even louder than before.
'Why are you laughing now?' Asks the neighbour annoyed after being disturbed from his sleep the second time.
The patient replies I told myself another joke, but I didn't know it this time.
A man gets woken up by intruders in his house.
He phones the police and says "There's people robbing my house, please send help".
They dispatcher says there's no cars or police available.
The man hangs up and phones back 2 minutes later.
"I just shot the guys. They're both here with bullets in them"
2 minutes later, police cars, helicopters, armed forces, counter-t**... police turn up and raid the house, catching the burglars in the act.
The police looked confused and asked "You said you shot them!"
The man replied "You said there were no police available."
So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.
"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.
Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."
The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave us an hour."
s**... is like garlic bread
Sometimes you can't get enough of it but nobody wants to be woken up at 3am for either.
