Woken Jokes

What are some Woken jokes?

Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for sex?

can't wait to get out of prison.

Fun idea:

Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.

Most men like to be woken up with sex

except the ones in jail

I was woken up again last night by the bulimic girl next door.

I banged on the wall and shouted, "For God's sake, keep it down!"

I had a huge home party last night and I was unpleasantly woken up by a surprise blow job.

Next time I'll sleep with my mouth closed.

A woman is woken up late one night to the sound of her husband coming home.

He crashes into the bedroom reeking of booze, with a duck under his arm.

"What the hell's going on, Steve?" asks the woman.

"What do you think of the pig?"

"That's not a pig, it's a duck."

"I wasn't talking to you."

I was woken on the plane by a panicky stewardess

That's how i lost my job as a pilot.

Two men are in a car.

They are driving along a road in the middle of the night. One guy is sleeping, and the other is driving.

They drive for a while, and the man is woken up by a thud. "What was that?" He asks his friend. "Nothing, I just hit a deer. Go back to sleep." So the man goes back to sleep.

They drive for a bit longer, and the man is woken up again, this time by two thuds. "What was that?" He asks.
"Nothing, I hit two deer this time." So the man goes back to sleep.

The drive for a little while longer, and the man is woken up a third time. "Let me guess. You hit three deer?"
The friend replies, "Nah, I hit one, but I had to go through two fences to get 'em.

A man is woken up in the middle of the night by his son screaming. He quickly goes and wakes him up.

Man: "Son What's the matter?"
Son: "Dad it was the scariest dream! A man dressed in black came and told me my aunt is going to die tomorrow!"
Man: "Son it was just a dream don't worry."
The next day he comes home and his wife is crying.
Man: "Honey what's wrong?"
Wife: "my mother called my sister just dropped dead!"
That night the man is woken again by his son screaming and he wakes him up.
Son: "Dad the man in black came to me again in my dream and said tomorrow my father is going to die!"
Man: "Son your aunt dying was just a coincidence don't worry about me I'll be fine."
The next day the man is freaked he doesn't take any elevators, doesn't walk over any grates and jumps at any noise.
When he get home his wife takes one look at him.
Wife: "Honey you look awful what is going on?"
Man "I have had the worst day ever I feel awful and just want to go to bed."
Wife: "You think you had a bad day? This afternoon the mailman dropped dead on the front porch!"

A barber, a bald man and an absent-minded professor take a journey together...

They have to camp overnight, and so decide to take turns watching the luggage. When it's the barber's turn, he gets bored, so amuses himself by shaving the head of the professor. When the professor is woken up for his shift, he feels his head, and says "How stupid is that barber? He's woken up the bald man instead of me.

I saw this joke on the Wikipedia article for "joke." It's interesting how, even though this joke is from the third or fourth century, it's still humorous today.

I was woken up at 5am by a crow...

It just wouldn't stop cawing. After an hour I felt like shooting the damned thing! Then another crow joined it and they started to have a jolly old conversation. I wanted to blow both their heads off! One more crow and there definitely would've been a murder.

Last night ...

I was woken out of a deep sleep by pounding on my front door and the neighbor's wife screaming "help!"

So I went downstairs, unlocked the front door, and let her out so she could go home!

God loves drunks too

A man is woken up at 3am to the sound of loud knocking at his door. He opens the door and finds a completely soaked man standing in the rain.

"Please help give me a push?" he asks with a drunken slur.

"No," replies the man and slams the door in his face.

"Who was that?" asks his wife as he climbs into bed.

"Some drunk guy asking for a push."

"Don't you remember 2 months ago when we needed a push? God loves drunks too. You should help him out."

The man sighs, gets dressed and walks into the pouring rain. "Hello? Are you still there?"


"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes, please!"

"Where are you? I can't see you in the dark."

"I'm over here, on the swing."

Three guys go on a skiing trip together.

When they get to the ski lodge there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, "Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a hand job."

The guy on the left side of the bed has also woken up, and says that he's had the same dream, too.

The guy in the middle says, "Wow that's funny, I dreamed I was skiing."

I was woken up today by a tap on my door

Odd sense of humor my plummer has.

Black and white...

I've just woken up with black and white squares all over my face.

I'll have to get this checked.

I hate it when my neighbor mows the lawn at 7 in the morning

This one Saturday morning I get woken up by my neighbor's mower going at 7 in the morning. I have quite a bad hangover and I just decide screw him he can cut around me. .

Most women would be happy to be woken up on their birthday with breakfast in bed, flowers and 20 minutes of great oral sex!

But Oh no! Not my sister!

Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

I once had a dream that I was ugly and had no chance of getting a girlfriend,

I still haven't woken up!

I was staying in an Hotel

Last night I was staying in an hotel, trying to get some sleep after a long day of travel, meetings, and work.

I kept getting woken up by a woman screaming at me and beating on the door of the room.

She just wouldn't stop, I tried to ignore her as best I could but I finally came to accept the fact, after a few hours, if I wanted to get any sleep, I would have to let her out.

A cryogenically frozen man is woken up in the future...

He is greeted by a beautiful nurse.

Nurse: Congratulations, sir, it's the year 2318. I have some good news and some bad news, though.

Man: Please tell me.

Nurse: Well, we had only last year perfected the technology to wake frozen individuals such as yourself with just one side-effect and decided to test it on you, our very first subject.

Man: What side-effect?

Nurse: We can't ever freeze you a second time.

Man: And the bad news?

Nurse: We still haven't been able to cure the disease that killed you the first time.

A man and wife are in bed one night

when suddenly there's a knock at the door. Bleary eyed, the man staggers down the stairs mumbling profanities and opens the front door to see an old man.

"Im sorry to have woken you up but i was wondering if you can help me by giving me a bit of a push?"
"what??" Replied the man, "you woke me ip at two in the morning for that? Get lost. I have work in the morning"
He slams the door and marches back upstairs. As he gets into bed his wife enquires as to who was at the door.

"Oh, some old fella wanting a push. At this time of night" he snapped.

"And you didn't help him?" His wife asked, "What if it were me and our car broke down. Do you think you'd be happy knowing someone couldn't be bothered to help me? I think you should go out there and help him right now"

"Oh alright" he muttered. He put on his housecoat and the nearest pair of shoes and went back downstairs to see if the man was still there.

Upon getting outside, he couldn't see the man or his car anywhere.
"Hello!? Are you still there?" He shouted.

"Im over here" a voice called out. "on the swings"

I was woken up by the mailman trying to deliver a washbasin today.

Let that sink in.

Three guys go on a skiing trip together and are forced to share a room with a single bed.

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, "Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a hand job."

The guy on the left side of the bed has also woken up, and says that he's had the same dream, too.

The guy in the middle says, "Wow that's funny, I dreamed I was skiing."

The Prime Minister was not happy about being woken up

What did the Prime Minister say when he was awoken early to news of an urgent matter that required his immediate attention?

Ugh. I'm the PM, not the AM.

What do you call a tree that has just woken up to it's wife's death?

Mourning wood

I told her she has the most beautiful eyes and she started screaming...

Apparently she doesn't like to be woken up by total strangers.

**Long** A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer...

So, these three are in a hotel. The engineer is woken up in the middle of the night by a fire. He grabs an extinguisher, and puts out the fire, then goes back to sleep.

Later, the physicist is woken up for the same reason. He does some quick calculations, and dumps the precise amount of water onto the flames to extinguish them.

Finally, the mathematician is woken by the smell of smoke. He walks over to where the fire had been, and finds embers. He coaxes a fire out of them, then goes back to sleep, knowing he has reduced it to an already solved problem.

Unexpected sex is a great way to be woken up...

If you're not in prison.

Kevin is woken up for school.

Kevin is woken up by his mother.
"Rise and shine, Kevin! Time to go to school!"

"But mom, I don't want to get up."

"No, you're getting up now, no excuses."

"Name me two good reasons for why I should get up now and go to school.."

"First of all: You're 54. And second of all, you're the principal!"

*Source: Hamburger Abendblatt issue #124*

The first thing out of my mouth when I was very abruptly and rudely woken up by my neighbor blaring "Trapped in the Closet"...

"Ugh, that's the second worse way to be woken up by R-Kelly!"

got woken up to a tap on the door early this morning

i had to call the plumber to remove it

A barber, a bald guy and a professor go for a night camp in a jungle.

They decide to guard one by one during the night. Barber's turn comes first. Others sleep.
While guarding, he gets bored and amuses himself by shaving the professor's head.
Then professor's turn comes. He touches and feels his bald head and thinks, "Idiot barber has woken up the bald guy by mistake".

A tourist in Africa is tired and looking for a ride

While going down the street a truck driver stops and tells him he can take him where he is going. The tourist, eager to get off his feet, eagerly accepts. Shortly after getting in the truck the tourist falls asleep. Suddenly he is woken up by three bumps in the road, but he thinks nothing of it and goes back to sleep. Finally he is woken up by the driver, having reached his destination.
"Sorry for the bumpy ride," the driver says, "I hit a black person on the way here."
"But I felt three bumps," the tourist inquires.
"Yea," the driver continues, "I had to go through two fences to get him."

How to make Woken jokes?

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