woken Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious woken puns

A teenage girl was having sex with her boyfriend...

at her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

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A girl is having sex with her boyfriend [NSFW]

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "... I'm sorry"

The dad being a dad replies "Hi Sorry! I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking Sorry?"

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A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

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was once woken with a blowjob

almost choked to death

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Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for sex?

can't wait to get out of prison.

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I had never woken up to a blowjob before

That is the last time I sleep with my mouth open on the subway!

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Today i was woken up with a blowjob..

i will never fall asleep with my mouth open anymore.

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My wife's doctor prescribed her a new pill

It's great, now we fuck every night, all sorts of positions, some she'd never tried before. Introduced toys and bondage, spanking and 3 ways….. and she hasn't woken up once.

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Fun idea:

Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.

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Most men like to be woken up with sex

except the ones in jail

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I was woken up again last night by the bulimic girl next door.

I banged on the wall and shouted, "For God's sake, keep it down!"

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I had a huge home party last night and I was unpleasantly woken up by a surprise blow job.

Next time I'll sleep with my mouth closed.

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Today I was woken up by a blowjob.

I hope I'll never fall asleep in the train with my mouth open again.

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A woman is woken up late one night to the sound of her husband coming home.

He crashes into the bedroom reeking of booze, with a duck under his arm.

"What the hell's going on, Steve?" asks the woman.

"What do you think of the pig?"

"That's not a pig, it's a duck."

"I wasn't talking to you."

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I was woken on the plane by a panicky stewardess

That's how i lost my job as a pilot.

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Two men are in a car.

They are driving along a road in the middle of the night. One guy is sleeping, and the other is driving.

They drive for a while, and the man is woken up by a thud. "What was that?" He asks his friend. "Nothing, I just hit a deer. Go back to sleep." So the man goes back to sleep.

They drive for a bit longer, and the man is woken up again, this time by two thuds. "What was that?" He asks.
"Nothing, I hit two deer this time." So the man goes back to sleep.

The drive for a little while longer, and the man is woken up a third time. "Let me guess. You hit three deer?"
The friend replies, "Nah, I hit one, but I had to go through two fences to get 'em.

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A teenage girl was getting frisky with her boyfriend...

At her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you *fucking* sorry?"

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Surprise blowjob is the best way to get woken up.

Unless you're in prison.

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A man is woken up in the middle of the night by his son screaming. He quickly goes and wakes him up.

Man: "Son What's the matter?"
Son: "Dad it was the scariest dream! A man dressed in black came and told me my aunt is going to die tomorrow!"
Man: "Son it was just a dream don't worry."
The next day he comes home and his wife is crying.
Man: "Honey what's wrong?"
Wife: "my mother called my sister just dropped dead!"
That night the man is woken again by his son screaming and he wakes him up.
Son: "Dad the man in black came to me again in my dream and said tomorrow my father is going to die!"
Man: "Son your aunt dying was just a coincidence don't worry about me I'll be fine."
The next day the man is freaked he doesn't take any elevators, doesn't walk over any grates and jumps at any noise.
When he get home his wife takes one look at him.
Wife: "Honey you look awful what is going on?"
Man "I have had the worst day ever I feel awful and just want to go to bed."
Wife: "You think you had a bad day? This afternoon the mailman dropped dead on the front porch!"

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A businessman goes to the doctor about an intimate problem... NSFW

"Well, it's a bit embarrassing," he says.
"That's OK," says the doctor. "Take your time and start at the beginning."
The businessman takes a deep breath, and begins.
"I think it's my lifestyle " he says. "You see, every morning I get woken up by my maid. She's a gorgeous blonde, and we have passionate sex. Then I get chauffeured to the office. My driver is a stunning brunette and we always park up on the way to make love on the back seat. Then I get to the office, and I have sex with my secretary, who's a beautiful redhead. During the day I often have my way with a couple of the female staff members. Then I have my secretary again before I leave, my driver in the car on the way back and make love to my maid before bed time."
"Blimey!" Exclaims the doctor. "You must be the luckiest man alive. What could possibly be the problem?"
"Well," says the businessman. "It hurts when I wank."

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A barber, a bald man and an absent-minded professor take a journey together...

They have to camp overnight, and so decide to take turns watching the luggage. When it's the barber's turn, he gets bored, so amuses himself by shaving the head of the professor. When the professor is woken up for his shift, he feels his head, and says "How stupid is that barber? He's woken up the bald man instead of me.


I saw this joke on the Wikipedia article for "joke." It's interesting how, even though this joke is from the third or fourth century, it's still humorous today.

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I was woken up at 5am by a crow...

It just wouldn't stop cawing. After an hour I felt like shooting the damned thing! Then another crow joined it and they started to have a jolly old conversation. I wanted to blow both their heads off! One more crow and there definitely would've been a murder.

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Last night ...

I was woken out of a deep sleep by pounding on my front door and the neighbor's wife screaming "help!"

So I went downstairs, unlocked the front door, and let her out so she could go home!

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God loves drunks too

A man is woken up at 3am to the sound of loud knocking at his door. He opens the door and finds a completely soaked man standing in the rain.

"Please help give me a push?" he asks with a drunken slur.

"No," replies the man and slams the door in his face.

"Who was that?" asks his wife as he climbs into bed.

"Some drunk guy asking for a push."

"Don't you remember 2 months ago when we needed a push? God loves drunks too. You should help him out."

The man sighs, gets dressed and walks into the pouring rain. "Hello? Are you still there?"

"Yes!"

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes, please!"

"Where are you? I can't see you in the dark."

"I'm over here, on the swing."

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Three guys go on a skiing trip together.

When they get to the ski lodge there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, "Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a hand job."

The guy on the left side of the bed has also woken up, and says that he's had the same dream, too.

The guy in the middle says, "Wow that's funny, I dreamed I was skiing."

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I was woken up today by a tap on my door

Odd sense of humor my plummer has.

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Black and white...

I've just woken up with black and white squares all over my face.

I'll have to get this checked.

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I hate it when my neighbor mows the lawn at 7 in the morning

This one Saturday morning I get woken up by my neighbor's mower going at 7 in the morning. I have quite a bad hangover and I just decide screw him he can cut around me. .

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Most women would be happy to be woken up on their birthday with breakfast in bed, flowers and 20 minutes of great oral sex!

But Oh no! Not my sister!

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Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

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Drunk Husband

In the wee hours of the morning a wife is woken up by the sound of the door, signaling the return home of her husband. She lays in bed listening to the thuds of his feet slowly make their way up the stairs. They get to the doorway and stop. The wife looks up and sees her husband carrying a sheep. Angry at him for waking her up she yells "Do you have any idea what time it is? And what is that thing doing here?!"

The husband, wobbly, leans against the door frame and says "this is the pig I've been screwing for the past 5 years!"

His wife shakes her head in part anger, part disgust and says "you drunk idiot, that's a sheep!"

The husband, looking slightly annoyed, repsonds "I wasn't talking to you!"

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I once had a dream that I was ugly and had no chance of getting a girlfriend,

I still haven't woken up!

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I was staying in an Hotel

Last night I was staying in an hotel, trying to get some sleep after a long day of travel, meetings, and work.



I kept getting woken up by a woman screaming at me and beating on the door of the room.



She just wouldn't stop, I tried to ignore her as best I could but I finally came to accept the fact, after a few hours, if I wanted to get any sleep, I would have to let her out.


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A girl is fucking her boyfriend.

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.
"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"
The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

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A cryogenically frozen man is woken up in the future...

He is greeted by a beautiful nurse.

Nurse: Congratulations, sir, it's the year 2318. I have some good news and some bad news, though.

Man: Please tell me.

Nurse: Well, we had only last year perfected the technology to wake frozen individuals such as yourself with just one side-effect and decided to test it on you, our very first subject.

Man: What side-effect?

Nurse: We can't ever freeze you a second time.

Man: And the bad news?

Nurse: We still haven't been able to cure the disease that killed you the first time.

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What are the most funny Woken jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Woken? Well, here are the best Woken dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Woken pick up lines to share with friends.

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