Woken Jokes
44 woken jokes and hilarious woken puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about woken that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Woken Short Jokes
Short woken jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The woken humour may include short awake jokes also.
- Fun idea: Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.
- Black and white... I've just woken up with black and white squares all over my face.
I'll have to get this checked. - I told my son to believe in his dreams, and my wife got mad. She is probably just cranky though since we both just got woken up by our son who had a nightmare.
- I once had a dream that I was ugly and had no chance of getting a girlfriend, I still haven't woken up!
- I used to put my phone under my pillow so I could feel the alarm Now I just put it in my pants. I've never woken up happier
- I told her she has the most beautiful eyes and she started screaming... Apparently she doesn't like to be woken up by total strangers.
- I was woken up by a phone call telling me I've committed tax fraud They must have had the wrong number cause I don't pay taxes
- The first thing out of my mouth when I was very abruptly and rudely woken up by my neighbor blaring "Trapped in the Closet"... "Ugh, that's the second worse way to be woken up by R-Kelly!"
- got woken up to a tap on the door early this morning i had to call the plumber to remove it
- "You've woken up on the wrong side of the bed," said my wife. "Shut up," I replied, "and get this mattress off me."
Share These Woken Jokes With Friends
Woken One Liners
Which woken one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with woken? I can suggest the ones about waking and wake up.
- I was woken on the plane by a panicky stewardess That's how i lost my job as a pilot.
- I was woken up by the mailman trying to deliver a washbasin today. Let that sink in.
- Most men like to be woken up with s**... except the ones in jail
- Unexpected s**... is a great way to be woken up... If you're not in prison.
Hilarious Woken Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about woken you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean stay woke jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make woken pranks.
Last night ...
I was woken out of a deep sleep by pounding on my front door and the neighbor's wife screaming "help!"
So I went downstairs, unlocked the front door, and let her out so she could go home!
I was staying in an Hotel
Last night I was staying in an hotel, trying to get some sleep after a long day of travel, meetings, and work.
I kept getting woken up by a woman screaming at me and beating on the door of the room.
She just wouldn't stop, I tried to ignore her as best I could but I finally came to accept the fact, after a few hours, if I wanted to get any sleep, I would have to let her out.
"Doctor, I need some more sleeping pills for my wife". "What's happened?"
"She's woken up"
A man and wife are in bed one night
when suddenly there's a knock at the door. Bleary eyed, the man staggers down the stairs mumbling profanities and opens the front door to see an old man.
"Im sorry to have woken you up but i was wondering if you can help me by giving me a bit of a push?"
"what??" Replied the man, "you woke me ip at two in the morning for that? Get lost. I have work in the morning"
He slams the door and marches back upstairs. As he gets into bed his wife enquires as to who was at the door.
"Oh, some old fella wanting a push. At this time of night" he snapped.
"And you didn't help him?" His wife asked, "What if it were me and our car broke down. Do you think you'd be happy knowing someone couldn't be bothered to help me? I think you should go out there and help him right now"
"Oh alright" he muttered. He put on his housecoat and the nearest pair of shoes and went back downstairs to see if the man was still there.
Upon getting outside, he couldn't see the man or his car anywhere.
"Hello!? Are you still there?" He shouted.
"Im over here" a voice called out. "on the swings"
A man is woken up in the middle of the night by his son screaming. He quickly goes and wakes him up.
Man: "Son What's the matter?"
Son: "Dad it was the scariest dream! A man dressed in black came and told me my aunt is going to die tomorrow!"
Man: "Son it was just a dream don't worry."
The next day he comes home and his wife is crying.
Man: "Honey what's wrong?"
Wife: "my mother called my sister just dropped dead!"
That night the man is woken again by his son screaming and he wakes him up.
Son: "Dad the man in black came to me again in my dream and said tomorrow my father is going to die!"
Man: "Son your aunt dying was just a coincidence don't worry about me I'll be fine."
The next day the man is freaked he doesn't take any elevators, doesn't walk over any grates and jumps at any noise.
When he get home his wife takes one look at him.
Wife: "Honey you look awful what is going on?"
Man "I have had the worst day ever I feel awful and just want to go to bed."
Wife: "You think you had a bad day? This afternoon the mailman dropped dead on the front porch!"
Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health.
One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A barber, a bald guy and a professor go for a night camp in a jungle.
They decide to guard one by one during the night. Barber's turn comes first. Others sleep.
While guarding, he gets bored and amuses himself by shaving the professor's head.
Then professor's turn comes. He touches and feels his bald head and thinks, "Idiot barber has woken up the bald guy by mistake".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is woken up late one night to the sound of her husband coming home.
He crashes into the bedroom reeking of booze, with a duck under his arm.
"What the h**...'s going on, Steve?" asks the woman.
"What do you think of the pig?"
"That's not a pig, it's a duck."
"I wasn't talking to you."
Anyone who says spiders are more afraid of you than you are of them...
has never woken up with one on their face.
Kevin is woken up for school.
Kevin is woken up by his mother.
"Rise and shine, Kevin! Time to go to school!"
"But mom, I don't want to get up."
"No, you're getting up now, no excuses."
"Name me two good reasons for why I should get up now and go to school.."
"First of all: You're 54. And second of all, you're the principal!"
*Source: Hamburger Abendblatt issue #124*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for s**...?
can't wait to get out of prison.
The last thing you want on a flight is to be woken by a panicking stewardess.
Particularly if, like me, you're the pilot.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had a huge home party last night and I was unpleasantly woken up by a surprise b**....
Next time I'll sleep with my mouth closed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was woken up at 5am by a crow...
It just wouldn't stop cawing. After an hour I felt like shooting the d**... thing! Then another crow joined it and they started to have a jolly old conversation. I wanted to blow both their heads off! One more crow and there definitely would've been a m**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
**Long** A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer...
So, these three are in a hotel. The engineer is woken up in the middle of the night by a fire. He grabs an extinguisher, and puts out the fire, then goes back to sleep.
Later, the physicist is woken up for the same reason. He does some quick calculations, and dumps the precise amount of water onto the flames to extinguish them.
Finally, the mathematician is woken by the smell of smoke. He walks over to where the fire had been, and finds embers. He coaxes a fire out of them, then goes back to sleep, knowing he has reduced it to an already solved problem.
I hate it when my neighbor mows the lawn at 7 in the morning
This one Saturday morning I get woken up by my neighbor's mower going at 7 in the morning. I have quite a bad hangover and I just decide screw him he can cut around me. .
God loves drunks too
A man is woken up at 3am to the sound of loud knocking at his door. He opens the door and finds a completely soaked man standing in the rain.
"Please help give me a push?" he asks with a drunken slur.
"No," replies the man and slams the door in his face.
"Who was that?" asks his wife as he climbs into bed.
"Some drunk guy asking for a push."
"Don't you remember 2 months ago when we needed a push? God loves drunks too. You should help him out."
The man sighs, gets dressed and walks into the pouring rain. "Hello? Are you still there?"
"Yes!"
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes, please!"
"Where are you? I can't see you in the dark."
"I'm over here, on the swing."
A cryogenically frozen man is woken up in the future...
He is greeted by a beautiful nurse.
Nurse: Congratulations, sir, it's the year 2318. I have some good news and some bad news, though.
Man: Please tell me.
Nurse: Well, we had only last year perfected the technology to wake frozen individuals such as yourself with just one side-effect and decided to test it on you, our very first subject.
Man: What side-effect?
Nurse: We can't ever freeze you a second time.
Man: And the bad news?
Nurse: We still haven't been able to cure the disease that killed you the first time.
The Prime Minister was not happy about being woken up
What did the Prime Minister say when he was awoken early to news of an urgent matter that required his immediate attention?
Ugh. I'm the PM, not the AM.
For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep,garden and drive.
I think I'm being stalked.
Just wanted to share an old joke I read a long time back.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson once go camping. In the middle of the night, Watson is woken up violently by Sherlock. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see." "The stars are shining so beautifully tonight." To which Sherlock replies,"No, you idiot! Our tent's been stolen."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was woken late last night about 3am
By my next door neighbor in a very revealing negligee, bra, thongs and high heel boots, and asking to borrow a cup of sugar.
I said, f**... off dave, I've got work in the morning'.
An patient is heard laughing to himself at night in an asylum
'Why are you laughing?' Asks his neighbour after being woken from his sleep
I just told myself a joke replies the patient, before falling back asleep.
A couple of hours later the patient begins laughing again, even louder than before.
'Why are you laughing now?' Asks the neighbour annoyed after being disturbed from his sleep the second time.
The patient replies I told myself another joke, but I didn't know it this time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man gets woken up by intruders in his house.
He phones the police and says "There's people robbing my house, please send help".
They dispatcher says there's no cars or police available.
The man hangs up and phones back 2 minutes later.
"I just shot the guys. They're both here with bullets in them"
2 minutes later, police cars, helicopters, armed forces, counter-t**... police turn up and raid the house, catching the burglars in the act.
The police looked confused and asked "You said you shot them!"
The man replied "You said there were no police available."
So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.
"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.
Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."
The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave us an hour."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... is like garlic bread
Sometimes you can't get enough of it but nobody wants to be woken up at 3am for either.
