Woke Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence


A robber broke into my house last night looking for money

So I woke up to look with him.

John Cena woke up from a coma

John Cena: Where am I?

Nurse: ICU

John Cena: No you don't.

Burglars are getting very clever these days..

Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.

Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

I was tickling my brothers feet last night...

...and my mum woke up and had a right go at me. It was something about waiting until he's born first.

A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning

He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_

His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_

He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_

Woke up to a blow job earlier.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..

Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night

To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "Jack off".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.

I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda.

When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.

A thief

A thief broke in to my house last night........He started searching my house for money so I woke up and searched with him.

Last night I woke up, startled, to a female's voice coming from my desktop. Hello, it said, It's me.

Upon further inspection,
I realized it was just
a Dell.

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.

I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)

Great success.

So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound..

Turns out she was just vacuuming.

I was woken up again last night by the bulimic girl next door.

I banged on the wall and shouted, "For God's sake, keep it down!"

An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.

The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."ο»Ώ

Please stop hating on Trump, he saved my friend's life!

Earlier last year my friend had been in a coma for years. The doctors tried everything and told us to pray for a miracle.

And then one day his nurse came and switched the TV to Trump's campaign, he woke up and turned it off.

Slept like a baby last night

Woke up every hour and just cried about my life.

Today I woke up to a blow job..

..never falling asleep with my mouth open again.

A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....

He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.

Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."

Boss: " So what are you saying....?"

Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."

Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?

She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

I went to bed with a 7 and woke up with a 10.

Forced upgrades should be illegal, Microsoft.

I got hammered last night and woke up next to some fat old lady that was snoring.

So I guess I made it home okay...

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.

I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy...

then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.

My favorite pornstar died last night.

I woke up today with mourning wood.

So a guy walks into the doctors office...

...and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I woke up this morning and my left eye was blind!"

"Alright," says the Doctor, "have a seat and I'll check you out."

The doctor looks him in the eye, and after a second says "Well, you're going to have to stop masturbating for a little while."

"Why?" asks the man.

"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."

Harry Potter woke up in a hospital.

A little confused he asked "where am I?"

Doctor: "why you were in a coma and just awoke in this fine hospital"

"Why am I in a muggle Hospital?" he mumbled to himself

slightly hearing him the doctor spoke " Son, Take it easy, you ran face first into a wall and have been in a coma for 8 years"

A priest has a weiner dog which he loves.

One day when he woke up to feed him, the priest didn't find him. So he asked the local residents to come so he can ask about his dog.
He asked them:

"Does anybody have a weiner?"

So all the men stood up,

"No no that's not what I meant, has anyone seen a weiner?"

So all the women stood up

"Oh my god that's not what I meant.... Has anyone seen someone else's weiner"

Half of the women stood up

"For god's sake has someone seen my weiner?"

All the children stood up.

I woke up to find my wife lying unconscious on the kitchen floor..

At first I panicked, then remembered that McDonalds does all day breakfast.

I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work...

I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.

The Meaning of dreams

One morning, after she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "Maybe you'll find out tonight…," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled:"The Meaning of Dreams."

My wife woke up with a smile on her face this morning.

God I love sharpies.

Ya know, I've never taken an ugly girl to bed...

Woke up with a few though.

All last night I dreamed I was a muffler...

I woke up exhausted

A French Girl gets her Period

My friend's family is French.


His sister had this huge French flag for a bed sheet.


Then one night she got her period.


Imagine her shock when she woke up on the Japanese Flag.

Love

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

Why do you need patience at the gym?

Because there is a lot of weighting.

*sorry. i woke up at 2 am with this in my head.

I had this horrible nightmare last night!

It was just horrifying, I was on a boat in a lake, when suddenly my boat tipped over! As I fell into the lake I realized it was orange, orange crush infact! Tasted delicious, but after a minute I started sinking, I was going to drown in a lake of orange crush!

That's when I woke up and realized, it was just a fanta-sea

So.. I woke my gf up with oral sex this morning

-Oh wicked, what'd she say?

-Thtoph, thtoph!

I woke up hung-over to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn.

He'll have to mow around me. I'm not moving.

Semantics really

I woke up this morning and found a bunch of missing person posters around town that said "Offering reward for any information".

I promptly ran to a phone, called them up and told them my favourite colour was blue.

I think Putin woke up late today

I saw him Russian to work

One night I dreamt that I was a muffler...

I woke up exhausted.

Bob had forgotten his wedding anniversary and was in trouble.

His wife was really angry.

She told him, Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday

I was woken on the plane by a panicky stewardess

That's how i lost my job as a pilot.

Last night I dreamt I was a muffler

I woke up exhausted

Accidentally fell asleep at my grandmas funeral

Wouldn't you know, I woke up with mourningwood.

Baseball in Heaven

Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:

"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there."

Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name.

"Who's there?" he called out.

"Moe! It's me Sam!"

"Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?" Moe asked.

"It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad" Sam told him.

"Well tell me the good news first" Moe replied.

"Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven."

"That's great." Moe exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"

"Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson....

...were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

Hitler died.

When he woke up, he looked around. Only to see fire and torture. In an attempt to question surroundings and to regain his lost memory, he asked the nearest figure.

"Where am I and who am I?"

The figure replied,"Hell Hitler".

This morning I woke up to a tap on my front door.

My plumber has a weird sense of humour.

A hobo got robbed

A hobo had been robbed and beaten into unconciousnes.
When he woke up he checked about his person for damages and missing items, and found that all injuries were superficial but he had lost all his belongings.
He stormed into the nearest police station.

"I want to report a robbery! all my 53 belongings have been stolen from me!"

"How can you be so sure about the number of the stolen items?" the officer asks sceptically with a raised eyebrow.

"It was a deck of cards and a bottle opener!"

A mother of twins went into labour and passed out.

A mother of twins went into labour and passed out. She woke up hours later to find her (not so bright) sister carrying her twins. Nervously the new mother asked her sister whether the children has been named. To which the sister replied yes. The new mother shocked and scared then asked the sister what she named the children to which she replied she named the niece Denise. The mother feeling a little better then asked what she had name the boy to which she replied Denephew.

I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night.

I really need to stop drinking on duty.

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month."

"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses. "How old?"

She smiled and held up four fingers.

It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

I had a dream in which my favorite pornstar died.

I woke up with mourning wood.

Today I woke up an optimist...

He thanked me for waking him up

A robber broke into my house the other day looking for money

So I woke up and looked with him

I woke up at 4:04 last night...

I was completely lost.

Dying Wish

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight, doc. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer."

When his lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes.

When the man remained silent for several minutes, the lawyer asked the man what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."

I got a divorce for my birthday.

When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.

We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.

I was sitting on the couch naked.

Three guys went out camping together

One morning, when they woke up, the man sleeping on the left told his friends "I just had the best dream. I got the most amazing handjob"

The man on the right, quite surprised, told him "No way! I also got a great handjob in my dream!"

"You guys have such great dreams, it's not fair!" complained the man in the middle, "All I dreamt of was skiiing!"

I woke up to a surprise BJ this morning...

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.

Had a dream that I was playing as Darth Vader in Battlefront 2

Woke up and couldn't find my wallet.

Sherlock Holmes & Dr Watson's Camping Trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

Give me two good reasons

Today, all schools reopened after a long summer vacation.

In one home in our neighbourhood, early this morning, a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up, Wake up, son. It's time to go to school.

SON : Awww Mom! I don't want to go to school.
MOM : Give me two good reasons why you don't want to go to school??
SON : "One, all the children hate me.
Two, all the teachers hate me!!
MOM : Oh! that's not a reason darling. Come on, you have to go to school.
SON : OK. You give me two good reasons, WHY I should go to school?
MOM : One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old, and should understand your responsibilities!
Two You are the 'PRINCIPAL' of the school "πŸ˜‚

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping...

They pitched their tents under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the night Holmes woke Watson up and said "Watson, look up at the sky. Tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars" replied Watson; to which Holmes said "And what do you deduce from that?"

"Well, if there are millions of stars and systems, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely that there are some planets out there like Earth. And if there are even a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.

And Holmes replied "Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole your tent!"

**

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are camping

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.

Watson replied: I see millions and millions of stars.

Holmes said: and what do you deduce from that?

Watson replied: Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.

And Holmes said: Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer shared a hotel room

Midnight, the waste basket caught on fire. The mathematician woke up first, looked at the fire and the water bottle next to it. He then wrote on a piece of paper "between the fire and the bottle, a solution exists", signed, and went back to sleep.

The physicist wake up second, saw the fire and the mathematician's paper, then went to the basket and measure the paper in the basket and the water in the bottle, then went back and wrote "half the bottle is sufficient", signed, and went back to sleep.

The engineer woke up last, saw the fire and the paper, processed to dump the whole bottle into the fire, and went back to sleep without signing anything.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot.

Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot.
He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave.
As he stepped out of the shower he complained to his wife saying, it's just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn with no clothes.
That I married you only for your money.

Wife woke up this morning with a huge smile on her face..

Man I love sharpies

What did the Seven Dwarfs say when the prince woke up Snow White?

Welp.... I guess it's back to jerking off!

I dreamt that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda...

But I woke up and realized it was just a fanta sea.

What are the funniest woke jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Woke? Well, here are the best Woke puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Woke pick up lines to share with friends.

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