Woke Jokes
153 woke jokes and hilarious woke puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about woke that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for some woke jokes? We've got you covered! Check out our roundup of the best woke jokes, from the clever to the LOL-worthy.
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Funniest Woke Short Jokes
Short woke jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The woke humour may include short awake jokes also.
- My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the lord of the rings trilogy. She's Tolkien in her sleep.
- John Cena woke up from a coma John Cena: Where am I?
Nurse: ICU
John Cena: No you don't. - Bill Cosby enters in a bar ... ... i don't know what happens next because I suddenly woke up in a motel's room.
- I was tickling my brothers feet last night... ...and my mum woke up and had a right go at me. It was something about waiting until he's born first.
- A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_
His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_
He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_ - I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda. When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.
- Last night I woke up, startled, to a female's voice coming from my desktop. Hello, it said, It's me. Upon further inspection,
I realized it was just
a Dell. - So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound.. Turns out she was just vacuuming.
- Last night I had a dream that I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up my giant marshmallow was gone.
- I joined a religion where flatbread tells us about god. Its a naan prophet organization.
I have no idea why this was the first thing my brain did when I woke up this morning.
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Woke One Liners
Which woke one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with woke? I can suggest the ones about wake up and waking.
- Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex? My ex.
- Prison may be just one word But to others, it's a whole sentence
- A robber broke into my house last night looking for money So I woke up to look with him.
- Bill and Melinda Gates woke up today and said... May divorce be with you.
- Just woke up from a dream about Roman numerals 5, 4, 1, and 500. It was VIVID.
- Son, was there a kidnapping at school today? Yeah Dad, but he woke up.
- Slept like a baby last night Woke up every hour and just cried about my life.
- Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.
- My favorite pornstar died last night. I woke up today with mourning wood.
- My wife woke up with a smile on her face this morning. God I love sharpies.
- Ya know, I've never taken an ugly girl to bed... Woke up with a few though.
- All last night I dreamed I was a muffler... I woke up exhausted
- I once woke up mid surgery. Thankfully the patient was still asleep.
- I think Putin woke up late today I saw him Russian to work
- I had a dream in which my favorite pornstar died. I woke up with mourning wood.
Woke Morning Jokes
Here is a list of funny woke morning jokes and even better woke morning puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning. I'm not allowed to have Sharpies in the house anymore.
- I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy... then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.
- My therapist told me to listen to classical music before work to help with my anger management issues. This morning I woke up and chose violins.
- I woke up in the police station this morning with no memory of the previous night. I really need to stop drinking on duty.
- I woke up this morning and my bedside light had turned into a moth... That's the last time I ever buy a larva lamp…
- This morning my wife walked in and started hitting me with a bouquet of purple flowers… She woke up and chose violets.
- I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.
- I woke up grumpy this morning That was a mistake, I should've just let her sleep
- I woke up this morning determined to take care of myself by smoking & drinking less, eating better and exercising more... But that was 4 hours ago... when I was younger, dumber and full of hope.
- What time does a social justice warrior get up in the morning? It's hard to say, she's already woke.
Stay Woke Jokes
Here is a list of funny stay woke jokes and even better stay woke puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a progressive coffee shop? Stay Woke
Non Woke Jokes
Here is a list of funny non woke jokes and even better non woke puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I think my computer has become woke It's just come out as non binary
- I saw Comedy Central launch a funny non-political TV show... Then I woke up
Howlingly Hilarious Woke Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about woke you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wake morning jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make woke pranks.
My daughter learned to count!
My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses. "How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
last year, I asked Santa for the sexiest person ever for Christmas....
I woke up in a box.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson....
...were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
Semantics really
I woke up this morning and found a bunch of missing person posters around town that said "Offering reward for any information".
I promptly ran to a phone, called them up and told them my favourite colour was blue.
I woke up hung-over to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn.
He'll have to mow around me. I'm not moving.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Accidentally fell asleep at my grandmas f**...
Wouldn't you know, I woke up with mourningwood.
A hobo got robbed
A hobo had been robbed and beaten into unconciousnes.
When he woke up he checked about his person for damages and missing items, and found that all injuries were superficial but he had lost all his belongings.
He stormed into the nearest police station.
"I want to report a robbery! all my 53 belongings have been stolen from me!"
"How can you be so sure about the number of the stolen items?" the officer asks sceptically with a raised eyebrow.
"It was a deck of cards and a bottle opener!"
I woke up to the crack of Dawn the other day...
I said "Dawn! Get off my face!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got a divorce for my birthday.
When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.
We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.
I was sitting on the couch n**....
Baseball in Heaven
Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:
"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there."
Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name.
"Who's there?" he called out.
"Moe! It's me Sam!"
"Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?" Moe asked.
"It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad" Sam told him.
"Well tell me the good news first" Moe replied.
"Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven."
"That's great." Moe exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"
"Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."
Baseball
A man, Tom was with his friend, Larry, Larry was about to die. "Let me know if there's baseball in heaven". said Tom. The next day as Tom was sleeping he woke up to Larry's voice.
"Tom, I have good news and bad news." "What's the good news"?
asked Tom. "There is baseball in heaven". explained Larry. "What's the bad news"? asked Tom "You're pitching Tuesday". said Larry
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..
*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.
Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?
She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Today I found out my roommate was pansexual...
Needless to say I was pretty shocked when I woke up and found him in bed with all of our kitchenware.
A strange woman was pounding at my door at 4am and woke me up.
I had to let her out.
Today I woke up an optimist...
He thanked me for waking him up
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So.. I woke my gf up with o**... s**... this morning
-Oh wicked, what'd she say?
-Thtoph, thtoph!
Why do you need patience at the gym?
Because there is a lot of weighting.
*sorry. i woke up at 2 am with this in my head.
I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work...
I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.
I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.
As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.
When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.
I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)
Great success.
A French Girl gets her Period
My friend's family is French.
His sister had this huge French flag for a bed sheet.
Then one night she got her period.
Imagine her shock when she woke up on the Japanese Flag.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to bed with a 7 and woke up with a 10.
Forced upgrades should be i**..., Microsoft.
A mother of twins went into labour and passed out.
A mother of twins went into labour and passed out. She woke up hours later to find her (not so bright) sister carrying her twins. Nervously the new mother asked her sister whether the children has been named. To which the sister replied yes. The new mother shocked and scared then asked the sister what she named the children to which she replied she named the niece Denise. The mother feeling a little better then asked what she had name the boy to which she replied Denephew.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night
To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "j**...".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.
I just woke up from a 13month coma
Just in time to see my wife give birth
I was woken on the plane by a panicky stewardess
That's how i lost my job as a pilot.
I woke up this morning and saw that all my girlfriend's stuff was gone.
I walked into the kitchen, where I saw a note on the table. It read, "When you find out what you want, let me know."
I phoned her up and said, "I want pizza."
A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....
He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.
Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."
Boss: " So what are you saying....?"
Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Woke up to a b**... earlier.
That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..
I woke up at 4:04 last night...
I was completely lost.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got hammered last night and woke up next to some fat old lady that was snoring.
So I guess I made it home okay...
Bob had forgotten his wedding anniversary and was in trouble.
His wife was really angry.
She told him, Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday
I woke up in the middle of an operation once.
The nurse said Don't worry, you just drifted off for a minute doctor.
I slept like a baby last night
I drank a bottle before bed and woke up crying
I woke up to find my wife lying unconscious on the kitchen floor..
At first I panicked, then remembered that McDonalds does all day breakfast.
Self service in the OR
Near the end of my operation, I suddenly woke up and demanded the right to close my incision.
Reluctantly, the surgeon handed me the needle and said, "Suture self.
Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot.
Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot.
He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave.
As he stepped out of the shower he complained to his wife saying, it's just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn with no clothes.
That I married you only for your money.
Please stop hating on Trump, he saved my friend's life!
Earlier last year my friend had been in a coma for years. The doctors tried everything and told us to pray for a miracle.
And then one day his nurse came and switched the TV to Trump's campaign, he woke up and turned it off.
Had a dream that I was playing as Darth Vader in Battlefront 2
Woke up and couldn't find my wallet.
Last night I dreamt that I was a wedding cake.
I woke up in tiers.
Harry Potter woke up in a hospital.
A little confused he asked "where am I?"
Doctor: "why you were in a coma and just awoke in this fine hospital"
"Why am I in a muggle Hospital?" he mumbled to himself
slightly hearing him the doctor spoke " Son, Take it easy, you ran face first into a wall and have been in a coma for 8 years"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... died.
When he woke up, he looked around. Only to see fire and t**.... In an attempt to question surroundings and to regain his lost memory, he asked the nearest figure.
"Where am I and who am I?"
The figure replied,"h**... h**...".
When I was a kid living with my parents, I remember when my dad gave me money to pay the utilities one day
On impulse, I decided to buy scratch-offs. When I got home I explained *'but we could get a new car when we win!'*, he ended up beating me.
The next day, we woke up to a new truck outside our house and everyone was crying. Myself in particular, because the new truck was from the Utilities company, coming to shutoff the water. So my dad beat me again.
It still Hertz to this day.
A man was in a horrific car accident and rushed to the hospital. A few days later, he woke up startled and yelled, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!
The doctor replied, I'm sorry, but we had to amputate your arms.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest has a w**... dog which he loves.
One day when he woke up to feed him, the priest didn't find him. So he asked the local residents to come so he can ask about his dog.
He asked them:
"Does anybody have a w**...?"
So all the men stood up,
"No no that's not what I meant, has anyone seen a w**...?"
So all the women stood up
"Oh my god that's not what I meant.... Has anyone seen someone else's w**..."
Half of the women stood up
"For god's sake has someone seen my w**...?"
All the children stood up.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
These long quarantines have been so difficult for many marriages.
Luckily for me I have an amazing wife. Just last night I woke up to her firmly pressing a pillow against my face to protect me from Covid-19.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After a horrible accident, I woke up in the hospital with a s**... nurse standing over me. She explained to me sympatheticly, You may not feel anything from the waist down. I nodded and groaned, "I understand."
So I felt her b**...…
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman woke up in the middle of the night and found that her husband wasn't there beside her.
She went downstairs and found him sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee and looking thoughtful.
"Honey, what's wrong?, she asked.
He replied, "Well do you remember when we were dating?"
"Yes"
"And do you remember the first time we had s**...?"
She smiled and answered, "Of course."
"And you remember how your Dad caught us."
She laughed and replied, "Oh god, yeah!"
"And since I was 18 and you were 17 how he threatened to send me to jail for twenty years if I didn't marry you?"
"Uh huh. What of it?", she asked.
He let out a sad sigh, "I would have gotten out today..."
Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
"Why"? Putin asks
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep, - I woke you up at 4AM in the morning, but I thought it was only evening, - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday, - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor, remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet !!"
Three men are discussing what they think is the fastest thing in the world
The first man says The fastest thing in the world is a thought... I think something and pops into my head
The second man says The fastest thing in the world is light... I turn on the light switch and the room lights up instantly
The third man thinks for a second and says you are both wrong... it's actually Diarrhoea
Confused, The two friends as him how could diarrhoea be the fastest thing in the world?
The third man replies well, the other day when I woke up, before I could even think or turn on the light, it was already too late!
My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.
"Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses.
"How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours.
She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
A nun is walking to church.
As she passes her local store, the shopkeeper says, "Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?"
She finds it odd, but keeps walking. On her walk, three more people pass her and say, "Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?"
Still baffled as she gets to the church, she walks to another nun at the pulpit and asks, "Why does everyone keep asking me if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today?!"
The other nun looks down and says, "You're wearing the priest's shoes"
I tried an At Home Covid Test
Instructions:
1. Open a can of beer and try to smell it.
2. If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.
3. If you can smell it and taste it, this confirms that you don't have the Covid.
Last night, I did the test 19 times and all were negative. Tonight, I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and I feel like I'm coming down with something.
My wife made up this joke in a dream and woke herself up laughing...
Q: How do you tell the difference between a Golder Retriever and a Dalmatian?
A: You get down on the floor and spin them around real fast. One of them is yellow and the other one is gray.
When I woke up on January 1st, I was surprised to see that my wife looked very pixelated.
She saw the expression of confusion on my face and said, "oh, don't worry honey, this is just my new year's resolution"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was woken late last night about 3am
By my next door neighbor in a very revealing negligee, bra, thongs and high heel boots, and asking to borrow a cup of sugar.
I said, f**... off dave, I've got work in the morning'.
