The Best 83 Woke Jokes
Looking for some woke jokes? We've got you covered! Check out our roundup of the best woke jokes, from the clever to the LOL-worthy.
Top 10 Funniest Woke Jokes and Puns
Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?
My ex.
Prison may be just one word
But to others, it's a whole sentence
My favorite pornstar died last night.
I woke up today with mourning wood.
So a guy walks into the doctors office...
...and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I woke up this morning and my left eye was blind!"
"Alright," says the Doctor, "have a seat and I'll check you out."
The doctor looks him in the eye, and after a second says "Well, you're going to have to stop masturbating for a little while."
"Why?" asks the man.
"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."
Semantics really
I woke up this morning and found a bunch of missing person posters around town that said "Offering reward for any information".
I promptly ran to a phone, called them up and told them my favourite colour was blue.
I woke up hung-over to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn.
He'll have to mow around me. I'm not moving.
The Meaning of dreams
One morning, after she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "Maybe you'll find out tonightβ¦," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled:"The Meaning of Dreams."
Ya know, I've never taken an ugly girl to bed...
Woke up with a few though.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..
*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.
Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?
She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
A thief
A thief broke in to my house last night........He started searching my house for money so I woke up and searched with him.
You can explore woke . racism reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean woke . opp dad jokes. There are also woke puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
All last night I dreamed I was a muffler...
I woke up exhausted
So.. I woke my gf up with oral sex this morning
-Oh wicked, what'd she say?
-Thtoph, thtoph!
I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy...
then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.
Why do you need patience at the gym?
Because there is a lot of weighting.
*sorry. i woke up at 2 am with this in my head.
I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work...
I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.
John Cena woke up from a coma
John Cena: Where am I?
Nurse: ICU
John Cena: No you don't.
I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.
As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.
When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.
I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)
Great success.
A French Girl gets her Period
My friend's family is French.
His sister had this huge French flag for a bed sheet.
Then one night she got her period.
Imagine her shock when she woke up on the Japanese Flag.
I went to bed with a 7 and woke up with a 10.
Forced upgrades should be illegal, Microsoft.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound..
Turns out she was just vacuuming.
Today I woke up to a blow job..
..never falling asleep with my mouth open again.
Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night
To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "Jack off".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.
I was tickling my brothers feet last night...
...and my mum woke up and had a right go at me. It was something about waiting until he's born first.
Slept like a baby last night
Woke up every hour and just cried about my life.
A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....
He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.
Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."
Boss: " So what are you saying....?"
Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."
Woke up to a blow job earlier.
That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..
I got hammered last night and woke up next to some fat old lady that was snoring.
So I guess I made it home okay...
I was woken up again last night by the bulimic girl next door.
I banged on the wall and shouted, "For God's sake, keep it down!"
I think Putin woke up late today
I saw him Russian to work
I woke up to find my wife lying unconscious on the kitchen floor..
At first I panicked, then remembered that McDonalds does all day breakfast.
I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda.
When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.
My wife woke up with a smile on her face this morning.
God I love sharpies.
A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning
He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_
His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_
He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_
Please stop hating on Trump, he saved my friend's life!
Earlier last year my friend had been in a coma for years. The doctors tried everything and told us to pray for a miracle.
And then one day his nurse came and switched the TV to Trump's campaign, he woke up and turned it off.
A robber broke into my house last night looking for money
So I woke up to look with him.
Harry Potter woke up in a hospital.
A little confused he asked "where am I?"
Doctor: "why you were in a coma and just awoke in this fine hospital"
"Why am I in a muggle Hospital?" he mumbled to himself
slightly hearing him the doctor spoke " Son, Take it easy, you ran face first into a wall and have been in a coma for 8 years"
Last night I woke up, startled, to a female's voice coming from my desktop. Hello, it said, It's me.
Upon further inspection,
I realized it was just
a Dell.
An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.
The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."ο»Ώ
A priest has a weiner dog which he loves.
One day when he woke up to feed him, the priest didn't find him. So he asked the local residents to come so he can ask about his dog.
He asked them:
"Does anybody have a weiner?"
So all the men stood up,
"No no that's not what I meant, has anyone seen a weiner?"
So all the women stood up
"Oh my god that's not what I meant.... Has anyone seen someone else's weiner"
Half of the women stood up
"For god's sake has someone seen my weiner?"
All the children stood up.
I had this horrible nightmare last night!
It was just horrifying, I was on a boat in a lake, when suddenly my boat tipped over! As I fell into the lake I realized it was orange, orange crush infact! Tasted delicious, but after a minute I started sinking, I was going to drown in a lake of orange crush!
That's when I woke up and realized, it was just a fanta-sea
A man woke up in the hospital...
Doctor: I'm really sorry, but we've had to remove your colon.
Me why?
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
A woman woke up in the middle of the night and found that her husband wasn't there beside her.
She went downstairs and found him sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee and looking thoughtful.
"Honey, what's wrong?, she asked.
He replied, "Well do you remember when we were dating?"
"Yes"
"And do you remember the first time we had sex?"
She smiled and answered, "Of course."
"And you remember how your Dad caught us."
She laughed and replied, "Oh god, yeah!"
"And since I was 18 and you were 17 how he threatened to send me to jail for twenty years if I didn't marry you?"
"Uh huh. What of it?", she asked.
He let out a sad sigh, "I would have gotten out today..."
Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
"Why"? Putin asks
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep, - I woke you up at 4AM in the morning, but I thought it was only evening, - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday, - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor, remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet !!"
Three men are discussing what they think is the fastest thing in the world
The first man says The fastest thing in the world is a thought... I think something and pops into my head
The second man says The fastest thing in the world is light... I turn on the light switch and the room lights up instantly
The third man thinks for a second and says you are both wrong... it's actually Diarrhoea
Confused, The two friends as him how could diarrhoea be the fastest thing in the world?
The third man replies well, the other day when I woke up, before I could even think or turn on the light, it was already too late!
Guess who woke up to 23 missed calls from their Ex ?
My Ex.
My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.
"Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses.
"How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours.
She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
A nun is walking to church.
As she passes her local store, the shopkeeper says, "Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?"
She finds it odd, but keeps walking. On her walk, three more people pass her and say, "Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?"
Still baffled as she gets to the church, she walks to another nun at the pulpit and asks, "Why does everyone keep asking me if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today?!"
The other nun looks down and says, "You're wearing the priest's shoes"
I joined a religion where flatbread tells us about god.
Its a naan prophet organization.
I have no idea why this was the first thing my brain did when I woke up this morning.
I tried an At Home Covid Test
Instructions:
1. Open a can of beer and try to smell it.
2. If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.
3. If you can smell it and taste it, this confirms that you don't have the Covid.
Last night, I did the test 19 times and all were negative. Tonight, I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and I feel like I'm coming down with something.
My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy.
She's Tolkien in her sleep.
When I woke up on January 1st, I was surprised to see that my wife looked very pixelated.
She saw the expression of confusion on my face and said, "oh, don't worry honey, this is just my new year's resolution"
I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning.
I'm not allowed to have Sharpies in the house anymore.
I once woke up mid surgery.
Thankfully the patient was still asleep.
Should've been more specific
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Bill and Melinda Gates woke up today and said...
May divorce be with you.
What do you call a wolf that is woke?
Awarewolf
(credit goes to my GF, who's apparently practicing her dad humor. *sigh* please, don't wreck my karma)
My kids asked me what it's like to be a mother.
So i woke them up at 5am to tell them my sock fell off.
Bill Cosby enters in a bar ...
... i don't know what happens next because I suddenly woke up in a motel's room.
Bob was in trouble
He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
I woke up late one morning so I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water
I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
A thief broke into my house last night
He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him
A husband was sleeping next to his blind wifeβ¦
He woke up feeling his wife's hands touching all over his face. Annoyed he asked, What are you doing?
In a sweet voice she said, I just love watching you sleep.
If There's Hell Below β¦
As a lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery he asked, Why are all the blinds drawn in here? The nurse answered, There's a fire across the street and we didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure.
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, your brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
Son, was there a kidnapping at school today?
Yeah Dad, but he woke up.
I dreamed that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda
But then I woke up. It was just a fanta sea.
An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.
He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.
He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"
The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."
There was a guy in a hospital, and finally woke up.
The guy said, damn i cant feel my legs. The doctor said to him, well thats because we amputated your arms.
For years, my wife and I had sex as soon as we woke up. Sadly, she passed away.
Now I wake up every day with mourning wood.
Just woke up from a dream about Roman numerals 5, 4, 1, and 500.
It was VIVID.
Last night I had a dream that I was eating a giant marshmallow
and when I woke up my giant marshmallow was gone.
My therapist told me to listen to classical music before work to help with my anger management issues.
This morning I woke up and chose violins.
Cars are getting very expensive now a days. I was finally able to afford to buy the new Kia that I always wanted.
Brought it home last night and parked it out front. It looked so nice and beautiful. Woke up this morning and the car is gone. Sadly, It was stolen at some point last night, but the suspect dropped a phone as an evidence. It was a very old looking phone that I had never seen before.
I did a lot of research on it and finally found the make of the phone. It was a >!NOKIA!<
When I woke up, I couldn't see the Sun
Then it dawned on me
This morning my wife woke me telling me she had a terrible dream.
She shook me a little and I was still in that half asleep response mode. She says, "I had a terrible dream. I dreamed that we broke up and you left me for some hot 20 year old."
Eyes still closed, I mumbled, "20 years old. That's terrible. Where did I find her?"
Three soldiers are talking about how they would solve different problems...
When asked what would they do if they woke up in the middle of the night with a hole in their tent, the Army private says "I would dig through my pack to find something to repair it until morning"; the Marine says "I'd roll over and go back to sleep, a Marine can handle getting a little wet"; the Air Force airman says "I'd call the front desk and ask why the hell there's a tent in my room".
Woke Disney has gone too far! First it's hehim and sheher, then it's theythem...
Now they have an entire TV show called Andor!!!
I'm not saying woke culture is killing comedy...
..., but when I made a joke about my obesity, the crowd booed me and told me "How dare you!? You're handsome!"
In Self Defense
Tenant - "I simply won't stay here any longer. Those people above me banged on the floor early this morning, slammed doors, and jumped up and down as hard as they could. I won't stand it, I tell you!"
Landlady - "They woke you up, I suppose?"
Tenant - "No, I hadn't gone to bed yet. I was practicing on my saxophone."
Source: 1933 Newspaper
My wife woke me up around Dawn, screaming her head off
I should mention Dawn was our babysitter.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the woke asleep puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working woke awake piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.