woke Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious woke puns

After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.

She said, You may not feel anything from the waist down.

Fair enough, I replied, and felt her breasts.

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Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

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Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence


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I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

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A robber broke into my house last night looking for money

So I woke up to look with him.

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I woke up to a blowjob this morning.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the subway with my mouth open

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was once woken with a blowjob

almost choked to death

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John Cena woke up from a coma

John Cena: Where am I?

Nurse: ICU

John Cena: No you don't.

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Burglars are getting very clever these days..

Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.

Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

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I had never woken up to a blowjob before

That is the last time I sleep with my mouth open on the subway!

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I was tickling my brothers feet last night...

...and my mum woke up and had a right go at me. It was something about waiting until he's born first.

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I remember when my dad once gave me money to pay the electricity bill.

Instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.

But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the house door, parked outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried; especially me, because the car was from the electricity company and they were there to cut off the electricity, so my dad beat the crap out of me again.

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I'd been in a serious accident.

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.


It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.


She looked deep & steady and I heard her slowly say,

'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'


I managed to mumble in reply,

'Can I feel your tits, then?'

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A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning

He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_

His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_

He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_

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Woke up to a blow job earlier.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..

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Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night

To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "Jack off".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.

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I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda.

When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.

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A thief

A thief broke in to my house last night........He started searching my house for money so I woke up and searched with him.

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Last night I woke up, startled, to a female's voice coming from my desktop. Hello, it said, It's me.

Upon further inspection,
I realized it was just
a Dell.

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I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.

I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)

Great success.

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on the eve of our anniversary....

On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.

Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...

... and stuck my cock in her mouth.

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So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound..

Turns out she was just vacuuming.

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I walked in on my son trying to suck his own penis.

He jumped up, "Dad! It's not what it looks like!"

"Don't worry, son." I replied. "I've tried too."

He said, "Really?"

I said, "Yeah. But you woke up before I had the chance."

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I was woken up again last night by the bulimic girl next door.

I banged on the wall and shouted, "For God's sake, keep it down!"

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An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.

The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."

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Please stop hating on Trump, he saved my friend's life!

Earlier last year my friend had been in a coma for years. The doctors tried everything and told us to pray for a miracle.

And then one day his nurse came and switched the TV to Trump's campaign, he woke up and turned it off.

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A thief broke into my house last night...

He was searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.

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Slept like a baby last night

Woke up every hour and just cried about my life.

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I woke up to a warm, luscious blowjob today...

That's the last time I fall asleep on a train with my mouth open...

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Today I woke up to a blow job..

..never falling asleep with my mouth open again.

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Woke up to a surprise blowjob this morning

Guess I better learn to sleep with my mouth closed

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A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....

He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.

Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."

Boss: " So what are you saying....?"

Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."

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Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?

She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

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I went to bed with a 7 and woke up with a 10.

Forced upgrades should be illegal, Microsoft.

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I got hammered last night and woke up next to some fat old lady that was snoring.

So I guess I made it home okay...

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What are the most funny Woke jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Woke? Well, here are the best Woke dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Woke pick up lines to share with friends.

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