She said, You may not feel anything from the waist down.
Fair enough, I replied, and felt her breasts.
My ex.
But to others, it's a whole sentence
Anyone know a good facial recognition software?
So I woke up to look with him.
That's the last time I fall asleep on the subway with my mouth open
almost choked to death
John Cena: Where am I?
Nurse: ICU
John Cena: No you don't.
Last night, my wife woke me up..
*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.
Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
That is the last time I sleep with my mouth open on the subway!
...and my mum woke up and had a right go at me. It was something about waiting until he's born first.
Instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.
But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the house door, parked outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried; especially me, because the car was from the electricity company and they were there to cut off the electricity, so my dad beat the crap out of me again.
Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.
It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
She looked deep & steady and I heard her slowly say,
'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'
I managed to mumble in reply,
'Can I feel your tits, then?'
He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_
His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_
He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_
That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..
To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "Jack off".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.
When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.
A thief broke in to my house last night........He started searching my house for money so I woke up and searched with him.
Upon further inspection,
I realized it was just
a Dell.
As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.
When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.
I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)
Great success.
On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.
Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...
... and stuck my cock in her mouth.
Turns out she was just vacuuming.
He jumped up, "Dad! It's not what it looks like!"
"Don't worry, son." I replied. "I've tried too."
He said, "Really?"
I said, "Yeah. But you woke up before I had the chance."
I banged on the wall and shouted, "For God's sake, keep it down!"
The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."
Earlier last year my friend had been in a coma for years. The doctors tried everything and told us to pray for a miracle.
And then one day his nurse came and switched the TV to Trump's campaign, he woke up and turned it off.
He was searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.
Woke up every hour and just cried about my life.
That's the last time I fall asleep on a train with my mouth open...
..never falling asleep with my mouth open again.
Guess I better learn to sleep with my mouth closed
He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.
Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."
Boss: " So what are you saying....?"
Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."
She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Forced upgrades should be illegal, Microsoft.
So I guess I made it home okay...
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Woke? Well, here are the best Woke dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Woke pick up lines to share with friends.