woah Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious woah puns

So the CEO of EA walks into a bar..

"I'll have a beer" he says, exasperated from the recent PR firestorm.

"That'll be $1" answers the barman.

"Woah" replies the CEO, "That's great value!"

"Sure is." the barman replies. "Would you like a glass with that?"


A husband died.

A few years later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!" The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."


A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders finest scotch.

Bartender: (giving him the drink) that would be $2 Sir.

Guy: woah, this is cheap. You are good people. I want to thank your manager. Where is he?

Bartender: in the hotel room Sir, with my wife.

Guy: What's he doing with your wife?

Bartender: The same thing I'm doing with his business.


A travelling salesman knocks on a door...

And a ten year old boy answers the door wearing high heels, and a brown bra, smoking a cigar, and drinking scotch.

The salesman says, "woah. Hey, little fella'. Are you parents home?"

The boy answers, "what the fuck do you think?"


An alien walks into a human brain shop

Vendor: Welcome, unfortunately we are very limited on brains right now and there are only 2 available.

Alien: I'll take a look.

Vendor: Well, here's the brain of Albert Einstein. He was very intelligent and was the reason behind much of human science. This is priced at $2. Here is the brain of someone who has watched every single "Keeping up with the Kardashians" episodes ever. It's listed at $200.

Alien: Woah, you're trying to rip me off. Why is the brain of someone that dumb worth so much?

Vendor: Simple, because this brain hasn't been used before.


10-inch BIC

Two guys are out fishing on a boat when one of them wants to have a smoke.

1: You got a lighter?

2: Yes. *pulls out a 10 inch long BIC lighter*

1: Woah, where'd you get that!?

2: I have a personal genie.

1: Cool! Can I make a wish?

2: Sure, just be very clear, he's a bit hard of hearing. *Summons genie*

1: I wish for a million bucks!

*The genie snaps his fingers and a million ducks fly overhead.*

1: Wow, your genie really sucks at hearing.

2: I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?


So a blonde died and went to Heaven.

God was at the gate and said to her, "Before entering, you will see 10 angels, and each one of them will tell you a joke. If you manage to not laugh at all, you may enter."

The blonde walked up to the first angel, listened to the joke and did not laugh.

She then went to the second and again did not laugh.

This happened every time and she finally reached to the last angel.

When the last angel was at the middle of the joke, the blonde started laughing REALLY HARD.

The angel then asked, "Woah, is my joke really that funny?"

The Blonde, laughing non-stop, said, "No... I JUST GOT THE FIRST JOKE!"


Magic Apples

So, a guy walks in to a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "I'll have a Rum and Coke."
The bartender puts an apple on the bar, and the man says, "No, I said a Rum and Coke, not an apple."
The bartender says, "Just try it." So the guy does, and says, "Woah! This tastes exactly like Coke!"
Bartender says, "Turn it around." The man does, takes another bite and says, "Woah! It tastes like rum!"

A second guy walks in and says, "I'll have a tonic and gin."
Bartender puts another apple on the bar.
The guy says, "I want a tonic and gin, not an apple."
The first man says, "No, just try it, I promise it'll taste exactly like a tonic and gin."
So, the guy takes a bite and says, "Woah, that tastes exactly like gin!"
Bartender says, "Turn it around."
The guy takes another bite and says, "Woah! Tastes exactly like tonic, this is awesome!"

So then a third man walks in. Bartender says, "What'll you have?"
He says, "Give me a minute, I haven't quite decided yet."
The first guy goes, "Whatever you get, this bartender will give you an apple that tastes exactly like your drink."
The second one says, "Yeah, he's got an apple for every flavor."
The third guy thinks and says, "Hmm... Well, do you have an apple that tastes like pussy?"
Bartender picks up an apple and puts it on the bar. The third guy takes a bite, immediately spits it out and goes, "Ah, what the hell?! That tastes like shit!"
Bartender says, "Turn it around..."


I don't understand women...

I woke up this morning and asked my wife, "what's wrong", and she said, "nothing".

At breakfast I asked her "what's wrong" and she said, "nothing". I asked her again on the way out of the house, phoned her on the way to work, called her every half hour at work, met her for lunch and asked her again, phoned her in the afternoon and pulled her out of an important meeting, and all she could say was, "nothing".

We arrived home from work and I asked her what's wrong, and she said, "NOTHING!"

I was like, "WOAH, fucking hell, calm down... What's wrong?"


Two men are walking through the forest when they stumble upon a large sinkhole.

Guy says, "Woah! This thing looks deep; how deep down do you think it goes?" The two men search around for a long stick or branch to assess the depth, but find nothing of use. They continue their search and they stumble across an old, rusty anvil; and naturally, they haul the anvil over and toss it into the hole. They wait and wait, but they don't hear anything happen. Suddenly, a donkey comes running full speed ahead and just leaps into the sinkhole. The two men are shocked, "Did you see that donkey!? I've never seen an animal sprint like that!" Minutes later, a farmer comes sprinting into the scene and says, "Guys! Have you seen my donkey? He was just on the farm and completely took off!" One of the men answers back, "He was just here! He came sprinting through the woods and took a leap into this sink hole!" The farmer answers back, "No, that's absolutely impossible. He was tied to an anvil."


A guy auditions for a gig at a piano bar...

He plays a beautiful, original piece and gets hired on the spot. The club owner asks, "By the way, what's the name of that song?" The guy responds, "You Got a Beautiful Set of Tits."

"Woah, woah," says the club owner, "You're a great player but you gotta keep titles like that to yourself."

The next night the guy is playing and everybody is loving his music. He takes a break and quickly runs to the restroom. On his way out a guy stops him and says, "You know your fly's open and your dick's hanging out?"

"Know it? I wrote it!"


Nsfw A boy was in the car with his mom

Suddenly a dildo slams the windshield startling them.
- WHAT WAS THAT MOM?? The boy screams.
- Ehrm, it was just a fly honey, The mother explained nervously.


So I'm on my way to work this morning...

So I'm on my way to work this morning when I realize that I need to take a leak. I find a spot to do my business, pull out my dick and start peeing. Right as I'm about to finish, the guy standing next to me leans over, looks down and says "Woah! Nice dick, man! You should do porn!"

I just stood there, shocked and thought to myself "Wow... There are some real creeps on the bus this morning..."


The Hunter and the Priest

A hunter and a priest are talking after church and the hunter brings up that he is going to go duck hunting next weekend. So the priest asks if he can tag along since he has never been before and wants to see what it is like.
The hunter says, "I don't know, you will just get in the way".
To which the priest replies, "you won't even know I'm there, I won't use a gun I will just stand behind you and watch".
Reluctantly the hunter agrees.

Sure enough the next weekend they go hunting together.
The first duck the hunter sees he lines up and fires but misses.
"FUCK i missed", he yells.
The priest stops him and says, "Woah, you should not use that language it upsets god. If you swear a black cloud will form above you and lightning will strikes you".
The hunter looks up. It is perfect day. Sunny, not a cloud in sight. Unworried he continues.

He sees another duck and misses again.
"OH, FUCKING HELL I missed again", the hunter yells.
"Watch your language you don't want to get struck. I'm am being serious this is not a joke", the priest warned him.
The hunter looks up but still no clouds anywhere.

Little time later they see flock of ducks flying past them.
The hunter lines up and he misses.
"DAMMIT, FUCKING HELL I missed again. I cannot believe my luck"
All of a sudden from nowhere a black cloud forms above them.
Lighting strikes the priest.
A booming voice comes from the cloud
"Dammit, Fucking hell I missed again"


A girl tied to rails

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "Aw man you won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. So I untied her, then we had sex over and over again in every position!!"

His friend replies, "Woah thats f*ckin awesome! Did you get a blowjob?"

"Nah, ^I ^couldn't ^find ^her ^head."


A man goes to a bar

A man goes to a bar and asks for 5 shots of Whiskey and the bartender asks "Woah buddy, what's the matter?" the man responds with "Today I found out my son is gay". The bartender hands his 5 shots. The next day the man comes back and asks the bartender for 10 shots of Whiskey, the bartender asks "What's wrong today?" the man responds with "Today I found out my father is gay" the bartender gave him 10 shots. The man is back the next day yet again and asks for 15 shots of Whiskey. The bartender says "Is there anyone in your family that doesn't like men?". The man responds "My wife."

Sorry if this joke was told already, I heard it many years ago and thought you nice folks would like it.


"I'd like to prescribe you a topical ointment for that skin condition," my doctor said.

"Woah, woah, woah, doc," I replied. "Let's not make any rash decisions."


A man walks into a bar with a crocodile on a leash..

...and the bar tender says "woah, you can't bring that in here!" And the man says "its ok, my crocodile is tame, look..." and he unzips his pants and proceeds to put his dick in the crocodiles mouth. The crocodile doesn't react. The man then says "anyone else want to try?" and a drunken man at the bar replies "I'll give it a go but I don't think I can open my mouth that wide."


I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic`.

"Woah I said, "I don't know if I could keep up the pace with you now.. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!

"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute.

"Anyway" she said giggling "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to fuck off.


Engineering student

Engineering Student: "Professor, we've made something which allows you to see through a wall"

Professor in excitement asks "Woah and what is that?"

Student: "A hole"


I told my friend, "My dad just passed away. I think it's only right for me to now say...that he molested me when I was three-years-old."

"Woah, man," he said. "Too soon."

I said, "Well, yes. But that's not how a paedophile's mind works."


Woah, is Aquaman running after your gardener?

No, he's Jason Mamoa


So Boudreaux decides to take Thibodeaux hunting...

the night before the big hunt Boudreaux warns Thibodeaux "Say T! We gonna be up dark and early, yea. Don't you go an stay up late now." And of course, Thibodeaux does just that. He stays up until about 3 A.M. Well Boudreaux wakes him up at 4, ready to go. While they're walking around, Thibodeaux says "Woah now man. I gotta shit." Boudreaux says "Ight T, imma scout ahead. If i see a deer, you're gonna hear one shot. Come and help me bring it back to camp so we can clean it." And Boudreaux goes. He finds him a deer and kills it. He waits about 30 minutes for Thibodeaux, but Thib never shows up. "well God damn it", Boudreaux thinks. "Guess imma just have to bring it to camp by my self."
On the way back, Boudreaux sees Thibodeaux leanin against a tree, pants around his ankles, sleeping. Rather than wake him up, Boudreaux comes up with a plan. He guts the deer, and puts all the bowels under Thibodeaux.
Back at camp, Boudreaux sees Thibodeaux come walking back kind of funny. Before Boudreaux can say a word, Thibodeaux says "T! I done shit out all my guts! But don't worry! I put them all back in before I came here!"

**tl:dr Thibodeaux shoves deer guts up his ass**


A man walks into a bar with a pet Aligator

So a man walks into a bar with his pet alligator and the bartender says "woah there buddy we don't allow dangerous murdering animals in here" and the guy responds "no, no it's totally tame I'll prove it" and then tells it "open", it opens it mouth and he sets his package in it. After a few minutes he puts it back in his pants and says "see, perfectly tame. Now would anyone else like to try?
Guy at the end of the bar says "yeah, but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long"


Two men are talking about their new year's resolutions

Man #1: My new year's resolution was to get my wife pregnant.

Man #2: Woah, that was my resolution too!!

Man #1: Really? I didn't know you were married...

Man #2: I'm not.

Man #1: Then how was your new year's resolution to get your wife pregnant?

Man #2: I was talking about your wife


A Kiwi and an Aussie are walking ...

...Along a footpath when the Kiwi suddenly stops the Aussie.
What's wrong?! says the Aussie. Pointing down to the ground right in front of them , the Kiwi asks what's that?!

Aussie:Dunno mate, looks like shit.
Kiwi: Touch it
A: Feels like shit

K: Smell it
A: Smells like shit

K: Taste it
A: Tastes like shit

Aussie: Feels like shit, smells like shit , tastes like shit. It must be shit!!

Kiwi: Woah!! Lucky we didn't step on it.


Going to a church potluck...

A man calls his friend to remind him about a church potluck tomorrow.

"Ok," he says, "My wife and I will bring the cheese, and you and your wife need to bring the bread."

His friend, who is kind of an anxious mess says, "Oh man, that's a lot to remember. I'm kind of freaking out. I don't know how I'm going to keep all of this information straight!"

"Woah woah woah," the first man says to his friend. "Take it easy, man! Just remember: cheese us loaves you."


A husband dies and goes to heaven.

A husband died. A few years later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to his with tears in her eyes.
"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"
The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says,
"Woah there woman. The contract was until death."


So I took this girl back to my place. While making
out, things started getting hot and heavy....

I take my pants off and give her a look. Offended, she says, "Woah, woah... don't you think that's being a little presumptuous?" So I replied, "Presumptuous? That's a pretty big word for a 12 year old."


A Microsoft Dev walks into a room....

Bethesda is working on Skyrim remastered 4k edition for the new xbox.

Microsoft Dev "Woah that screenshot looks cool"

Bethesda Worker: "That's not a screenshot, it's...it's the game"


An Australian man is walking across Sydney Harbour Bridge when he sees his ex-girlfriend standing on the railings ...

An Australian man is walking across Sydney Harbour Bridge when he sees his ex\-girlfriend standing on the railings, about to commit suicide. He apporaches her and asks:
\- Hey Sheila, what's the matter?
Tears in here eyes, she says:
\- I'm pregnant Bruce, and it's your baby!
To which Bruce replies:
\- Woah Sheila, not only are you brilliant in bed \- you're also a great sport!


How many tough guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to hold the bulb, and the woah, wait... hold on a second. You looking at my girl? You looking at my girl, bro? I'll seriously knock you out.


A cowboy was riding his horse through the desert...

He rides over a ridge and sees a native american Indian brave laying on the ground with an erection pointing straight up in the air. The stunned cowboy asked "Woah there chief, what in the hell are you doin' just layin' there with your boner sticking up"? The brave relied "Me tellum time". The cowboy, still unsure of the situation asked the brave the time too see how accurate he was. To his astonishment, the brave was within a minute of his trusty pocket watch.

The cowboy moved on and over the next several hours he saw several more braves all doing the same thing. Until he rode up on one old Indian furiously masturbating. " What in the wide wide world a sports is a goin on here?!? "

Without missing a beat the old chief replied "Me winding watch"


A man walks into a sculptors studio and says...

"I would like a bust in my image so how much would that cost?"

The sculptor says " woah you only just walked in the door and you are already talking prices, let's back up a bit"

The man replied " I'm sorry I'm getting a head of myself"


An Aussie favourite.

So there was a lizard who was walking through the rainforest, he looked up in the tree and saw a koala smoking a few joints. So the lizard goes up the tree and smokes a few more joints with the koala. After a little while, the lizard decides to go down to the pond to get a drink for his dry mouth, so he scurries down the tree and over to the pond where there was a crocodile waiting.

The crocodile says "woah man, what are you doing drinking from the pond?" "Well I smoked a few joints with this koala and I have really bad dry mouth," the lizard responded.

In shock, the crocodile says, "fuck me, there's a weed smoking koala? I have to see this!"

So the crocodile climbs out of the pond and walks over to the tree where the koala has smoked 4 or 5 more joints since the lizard left.

The crocodile says, "Hey mate, what are you doing up there?"

The koala looks down in shock and says, "Bloody hell mate, how much fuckin water did you drink?"


What are the most funny Woah jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Woah? Well, here are the best Woah dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Woah pick up lines to share with friends.

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