Silly Woah Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
So I took this girl back to my place. While making
out, things started getting hot and heavy....
I take my pants off and give her a look. Offended, she says, "Woah, woah... don't you think that's being a little presumptuous?" So I replied, "Presumptuous? That's a pretty big word for a 12 year old."
So a blonde died and went to Heaven.
God was at the gate and said to her, "Before entering, you will see 10 angels, and each one of them will tell you a joke. If you manage to not laugh at all, you may enter."
The blonde walked up to the first angel, listened to the joke and did not laugh.
She then went to the second and again did not laugh.
This happened every time and she finally reached to the last angel.
When the last angel was at the middle of the joke, the blonde started laughing REALLY HARD.
The angel then asked, "Woah, is my joke really that funny?"
The Blonde, laughing non-stop, said, "No... I JUST GOT THE FIRST JOKE!"
Going to a church potluck...
A man calls his friend to remind him about a church potluck tomorrow.
"Ok," he says, "My wife and I will bring the cheese, and you and your wife need to bring the bread."
His friend, who is kind of an anxious mess says, "Oh man, that's a lot to remember. I'm kind of freaking out. I don't know how I'm going to keep all of this information straight!"
"Woah woah woah," the first man says to his friend. "Take it easy, man! Just remember: cheese us loaves you."
Keanu Reeves Joke
Keanu: No, I don't think I've seen that before.
Me: Of course you have man: it's the show where David Carradine plays a Shaolin monk in the Old West.
Keanu: Woah. I guess I do know Kung Fu.
Woah! Brian Williams' fly is wide open!
Newsflash.
I was having the same dreams every night, so I went to see the doctor...
The doctor asked me to describe the dreams.
So I said, "Well, one night I'll have a dream that I'm a teepee... the next night I'll have a dream that I'm a wigwam. The next I'll be a teepee. Then a wigwam. Teepee, wigwam, TEEPEE, WIGWAM!"
The doctor said, "Woah, calm down! You're two tents!"
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders finest scotch.
Bartender: (giving him the drink) that would be $2 Sir.
Guy: woah, this is cheap. You are good people. I want to thank your manager. Where is he?
Bartender: in the hotel room Sir, with my wife.
Guy: What's he doing with your wife?
Bartender: The same thing I'm doing with his business.
There are two muffins in an oven.
The one muffin says to the other one, "Woah, a silent muffin!"
"I'd like to prescribe you a topical ointment for that skin condition," my doctor said.
"Woah, woah, woah, doc," I replied. "Let's not make any rash decisions."
I recently found my Journal from my trip to Europe. Allow me to share an entry.
August 30, 1997, 11:49pm - [Paris]
Woah! Princess Diana just waved and smiled at me from her car! What are the odds!
A Microsoft Dev walks into a room....
Bethesda is working on Skyrim remastered 4k edition for the new xbox.
Microsoft Dev "Woah that screenshot looks cool"
Bethesda Worker: "That's not a screenshot, it's...it's the game"
You can explore woah presumptuous reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean woah phew dad jokes. There are also woah puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub
Woah! Slow down there are kids present.
Stoners at a warehouse packed with crates.
"Behind every crate man, there's a crate."
"Woah man."
How many tough guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to hold the bulb, and the woah, wait... hold on a second. You looking at my girl? You looking at my girl, bro? I'll seriously knock you out.
Woah, is Aquaman running after your gardener?
No, he's Jason Mamoa
The bartender says, "We don't serve puns here."
"Woah," the puns says, "this place is no joke"
10-inch BIC
Two guys are out fishing on a boat when one of them wants to have a smoke.
1: You got a lighter?
2: Yes. *pulls out a 10 inch long BIC lighter*
1: Woah, where'd you get that!?
2: I have a personal genie.
1: Cool! Can I make a wish?
2: Sure, just be very clear, he's a bit hard of hearing. *Summons genie*
1: I wish for a million bucks!
*The genie snaps his fingers and a million ducks fly overhead.*
1: Wow, your genie really s**... at hearing.
2: I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?
So the CEO of EA walks into a bar..
"I'll have a beer" he says, exasperated from the recent PR firestorm.
"That'll be $1" answers the barman.
"Woah" replies the CEO, "That's great value!"
"Sure is." the barman replies. "Would you like a glass with that?"
Two men are talking about their new year's resolutions
Man #1: My new year's resolution was to get my wife pregnant.
Man #2: Woah, that was my resolution too!!
Man #1: Really? I didn't know you were married...
Man #2: I'm not.
Man #1: Then how was your new year's resolution to get your wife pregnant?
Man #2: I was talking about your wife
A man walks into a sculptors studio and says...
"I would like a bust in my image so how much would that cost?"
The sculptor says " woah you only just walked in the door and you are already talking prices, let's back up a bit"
The man replied " I'm sorry I'm getting a head of myself"
Engineering student
Engineering Student: "Professor, we've made something which allows you to see through a wall"
Professor in excitement asks "Woah and what is that?"
Student: "A hole"
An Australian man is walking across Sydney Harbour Bridge when he sees his ex-girlfriend standing on the railings ...
An Australian man is walking across Sydney Harbour Bridge when he sees his ex\-girlfriend standing on the railings, about to commit s**.... He apporaches her and asks:
\- Hey Sheila, what's the matter?
Tears in here eyes, she says:
\- I'm pregnant Bruce, and it's your baby!
To which Bruce replies:
\- Woah Sheila, not only are you brilliant in bed \- you're also a great sport!
Woah, this net neutrality thing really is becoming an issue...
REMOVED
My friend grabbed my by the shoulders and shook me
My friend grabbed me by the shoulders, and shook my while exclaiming, "I'm a pecan! I'm a cashew!"
I said "What?"
My friend continued shaking me back and forth and yelling, "I'm a macadamia! I'm an almond!"
I said "Woah dude! You're nuts!"
A black work colleague of mine accused me of making subtle racist comments to him.
I had to defend myself and said woah, now hold on a cotton picking minute
I told my friend, "My dad just passed away. I think it's only right for me to now say...that he molested me when I was three-years-old."
"Woah, man," he said. "Too soon."
I said, "Well, yes. But that's not how a p**...'s mind works."
An alien walks into a human brain shop
Vendor: Welcome, unfortunately we are very limited on brains right now and there are only 2 available.
Alien: I'll take a look.
Vendor: Well, here's the brain of Albert Einstein. He was very intelligent and was the reason behind much of human science. This is priced at $2. Here is the brain of someone who has watched every single "Keeping up with the Kardashians" episodes ever. It's listed at $200.
Alien: Woah, you're trying to rip me off. Why is the brain of someone that dumb worth so much?
Vendor: Simple, because this brain hasn't been used before.
I was smoking and..
*Hits blunt*
*Blunt hits back*
Me: Woah
Blunt: Yeah, be careful next time
Just written a depressing story about surprises
It's a tale of WOAH!
The Last Supper
*Jesus raises cup of wine*
Jesus: This is my blood
*Jesus raises plate of bread*
Jesus: This is my body
*Jesus raises tub of mayonnaise*
Jesus: This is m-
Judas: WOAH WOAH STOP RIGHT THERE
Two men walk up to a hole
One says to the other, "I wonder how deep this hole is" then picks up an anvil near them and throws it down the hole.
After about 20 seconds, the men hear a goat running behind them and it jumps in the hole. "Woah!" they both thought.
Then, a farmer walks up to them and asks them if they saw his goat. The first man says that it just jumped in the hole. Then the farmer said "Impossible! I tied him to my anvil!"
A husband died
A husband died.
A few years later, his wife died.
As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"
The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,
"Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
Jon Bon Jovi was inducted into the Rock hall of fame
I asked him, "aren't you disappointed and ashamed you aren't in the more prestigious Rock & ***Roll*** hall of fame?"
He said "Woah, we're halfway there".
I walked in on my son making out with his girlfriend. "Oh, woah, what's this?" I asked. He's been avoiding me ever since...
... and keeps mumbling something about me being a "furry"
2 of my friends were arguing about who's house was the most expensive....
"Well, my house is worth 8 million dollars!" One of them said "Ha! Mine is worth 11 million!" The other said so I chimed in "You guys must be poor, my roof in itself is worth 200 million!"
Puzzled, they both asked me "Woah! Where do you even live? How can you afford all that?!" When I told them where I lived they were left dumbfounded. They just couldn't believe I lived under an overpass!
Two whales are swimming along in the ocean...
When one whale spots a fishing boat. So he says to the other whale "Hey, that is the boat that harpooned Frank, we should get back at them"
The other whale says "Oh yeah? What should we do?"
"I say we both go under their boat, and blow our blowholes as hard as we can, that will knock over their boat!" And so both whales went under the boat, and with a powerful blast they were able to capsize the boat and send all the sailors into the water.
The first whale then says "Now that they are all in the water, I say we eat them!"
And the second whale replies "Woah, woah, woah. I was all for the b**... but I won't s**... any s**...".
Father: Hey son, guess what, you're ADOPTED.
Son: WOAH! I wonder who my real father is?
Father: It's me, your new father is on his way
I hate when I turn on my computer at work
And it says loading your personal settings.
I'm like "Woah, this is strictly a professional relationship".
Bruce Lee walks into a bar...
And the bartender goes: "Woah! You're Bruce Lee! What can I get for you?"
"WAH-TAH!"
A husband died
A few years later the wife died.
As she got to heaven, she sees her husband and runs up to him with tears in her eyes "Oh darling, how I've missed you."
The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
A college engineering student shows up with a new bike
"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.
"I was walking down the street last night and this g**... her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.
His friend replied "Good choice bro the clothes probably didn't even fit you"
What did Adam say after Eve was created?
Woah man!
The Man Who Needed Help.
So, a man walks into a Physiatrist office, he is wearing no clothing, but he is wrapped from head to toe in Saran wrap...
He asks the Shrink if in his profession opinion the man is okay.
The Physiatrist say; "Well I can clearly see your nuts!".
The man in Cling wrap turns around too walk about before sarcastically blurting out; "Woah, Thanks Doc...", then walked out of the Physiatrist office.
The Physiatrist looks at his receptionist and say's; "Did you see that a**...!".
A woman brought her husband to a doctor to try to cure his snoring problem.
Dr.: "it is possible to treat, but it will cost you a lot of money."
Woman: "that's fine, how much will it cost?"
Dr.: "$20,000 down payment, and $250 in monthly intervals for a year."
Woman: "woah, its almost like im buying a sports car!!"
Dr.: "hmm... too obvious, huh?"
What did the Redditor say when the bombs he placed in the bank finally exploded?
Woah, this blew up! Thanks for the gold!
A nun tried to kiss me...
and I said, "Woah, woah, woah, sister. I don't want to get into a habit."
What day is today
Friend :what day is today?
Me:Tuesday
Friend: woah, even Einstein can't answer that .
Me:why?
Friend: because he's dead
Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.
Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.
Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.
Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.
(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee and when Death fell asleep, Jack erased his name and placed it at the end of the list)
Death: Woah! My friend, I slept well. You're a good person Jack, you treated me very well. Because of that, I'll just start with the last one on the list.
This p**... off guy bursts into a bar full of people with a rifle.
Who the h**...'s the a**... who slept with my wife?!
Some guy answers:
Woah! Woah dude! You're gonna need more bullets.
