Howlingly Hilarious Wizard Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
How do you call a wizard that works with political marketing?
Propagandalf.
A wizard is driving down a road
and he turns in to a driveway.
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.
It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'
'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for.
He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. 'Merlin, you are a genius!' cried the grateful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.'
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
'Sir Galahad' exclaimed King Arthur, 'the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless..
What do you call a dark wizard that loves to give hickeys?
a necromancer
What do you call a wizard with a good outlook on life?
An Opti-Mystic.
The other day, a wizard offered to turn me into a cat.
The suggestion gave me pause.
What did the drunken hobbit say when he bumped into a wizard?
sauromon, didnt see you there.
Pinocchio is walking down the street...
...and he runs into a wizard, who says, "Hey, Pinocchio, give me five bucks and I'll turn you into a real boy."
"What's the catch?" Pinocchio asks suspiciously.
"No catch," the wizard replies, "Just give me five bucks and I'll turn you into a real boy, no strings attached."
A wizard walked into a gay bar
and disappeared with a p**....
What does a Mexican wizard use to cast magic?
A Juand
What did the neckbeard wizard use to find his way around Hogwarts?
M'rauders Map
You can explore wizard magician reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean wizard conjurer dad jokes. There are also wizard puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Man goes to a wizard
A man goes to see a wizard and says:
"Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"
"Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"
The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."
What do you call a vegan wizard?
A soyceror.
Why did the dyslexic wizard fail Hogwarts?
Cause he couldn't spell.
I think my boyfriend is a member of the k**...
Because he is a wizard under the sheets.
How is working in I.T. like being a wizard?
You command vast powers beyond the scope of smaller minds, but to them all you do is wiggle your fingers and stuff just happens.
Why is Bill Cosby like the The Wizard of Oz?
Cosby Cosby Cosby Cosby cos, because of the wonderful things he drugs
Why did the wizards wife have hickeys on her neck?
Because he was a neck-romancer....
What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys?
A neck romancer.
When I first met my boyfriend, he told me he shared something in common with the k**......
He was right, that man is a wizard under the sheets.
How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six.
One Slytherin to break it.
One Gryffindor to volunteer to change it.
Three Hufflepuffs to hold the ladder to ensure the safety of the Gryffindor student.
And one Ravenclaw to point out that they could have just used magic in the first place.
The Imperial Wizard of the k**... was just found dead near a river in Missouri...
Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping w**... in our water.
What do you call a wizard from Uganda?
a uGandalf
As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.
Just wanted to make that clear.
What kind of magic does a vegan wizard use?
Soycery
What do you call a black wizard?
A negromancer.
What do you have when you have 16 copies of the Wizard of Oz?
The Wizard of Lb.
Why does the k**... wear those pointy hats?
White Wizard Hat: +10 to racist spells, -15 to black magic. It's all about the stats, man.
Why did the wizard lose his job?
He got outsorced.
What was a dog wizard called?
Labracadabrador.
What do you call a wizard that can only control lizards?
Salamancer.
Ha.
Did you hear about the illiterate wizard?
He couldn't even spellbook.
Why was the albino, glasses-wearing man okay with a wizard turning him into a cool looking bug?
He was a pretty fly, four eyed, white guy.
There once was a wizard who never hesitated to try new spells. But then he turned himself into a dog...
That gave him pause.
What do you call a wizard that keeps falling over?
Stumbledore
What do wizards use to read PDFs?
A Dobby.
What's the difference between a wizard and a spelling bee contestant?
One can conjure spells, the other can spell conjure
I'm a bit of a wizard when it comes to talking to animals.
I have a dog called woof. I asked him it's name, and it said woof. I have a cat called meow, because it said meow when I asked her name. And I have a parrot called Whatsyourname.
Have you heard about the barefoot frail wizard with bad breath?
Well it's the first confirmed case of a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis
What's the difference between a fire wizard and someone who flirts with pastries?
One is a Pyromancer, the other is a pie-romancer.
What do you call a wizard who enjoys eating people?
A Vorelock
What do wizards in Harry Potter use instead of laxatives?
Expellianus.
What do you get when you give a wizard wireless earbuds?
Airy Podder
Why couldn't the wizard go on his quest?
He had a staff infection
Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz is by far the greatest character of all time.
No one could hold a candle to him.
Don't anger a programming wizard.
They'll curse you, and every time you remove it, they'll just recurse.
Daniel Radcliffe has joined the criticism of J K Rowling over her remarks about transgender issues.
I'd call it a witch-hunt, but he identifies as a wizard.
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do! Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he's really a big lyre.
A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"
Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"
The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."
What do you call a wizard who is good at calculus?
A mathemagician
Why did the wizards show up to battle empty handed?
Their weapons were at a staff meeting.
Yes, yes. Groan, downvote, and move on. It popped into my head and I shouldn't have to suffer alone.
The wizard materialized on the hill above the outdoor festival and proclaimed, All shall be vanquished.... except those in temporary shelters supported by a pole, and fully aquatic animals with s**...-shaped teeth!
The area was safe for all in tents and porpoises.
So, a man goes to see a Wizard...
and asks "Can you lift a curse a Priest put on me years ago?"
Maybe, says the wizard. Can you remember the Priests exact words ?
Yes replied the man, they were "I now pronounce you Man and Wife"
What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
What the worst thing about being an illiterate wizard?
You can't spell.
Wizard: A fox prophesied doom!
King: Foxes lie. Why'd you listen to a Fox for news?
James Potter and Sirius Black passed by each other in heaven.
James exclaimed, "Sirius, why are you here? Are you visiting?"
Sirius hung his head. "No, I actually died. Bellatrix killed me in the Department of Mysteries."
Potter just laughed. "What do you mean? You were a much better wizard than her. You can't fool me."
"I'm not kidding!" Black protested. "She killed me!"
**"Oh," James said, looking at his friend. "You're dead Sirius."** (dead serious)
What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a s**... vampire?
One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.
A dentist graduated from Hogwarts...
He's now known as the Wizard of Aahhhs
I saw a magician who could make anything weigh exactly 28.3 grams.
His stage name is "The Wizard of Oz."
What do you call a magician that's taking a p**...?
A wizard
What do you call a software wizard that installs applications?
The Wizard of OS
Three men are walking in the desert.
Three men are walking in the desert, all dehydrated.
They approach a slide with an empty paddling pool beneath it with a wizard standing nearby.
Wizard: This slide is magical. When you slide down it, you can say a drink of your choosing and the paddling pool will fill up with that drink.
The first guy slides down and says "Water!" and the pool is full of water.
The second guy slides down and says "Apple Juice!" and the pool is full of apple juice.
The third guy slides down and says "Wee!"
What do you call a buff wizard?
Dumbbell dore
What do you call a dyselxic, amateur wizard?
Dude who can barely spell.
What do you call a wizard who fell down the stairs?
Tumbledore
My favorite character in the Wizard of Oz is the scarecrow.
I mean, c'mon, its a no-brainer.
Why is the barbarian carrying a skillet?
Wizard: Why is the barbarian carrying a skillet?
Bard: He thinks it's his spellcasting focus.
Wizard: He has spells?
Bard: Just one. Every time he hits someone with it, he shouts "Cast iron!"
I met a frail old wizard. He had bad breath and loads of blisters.
He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
What do you call a wizard falling down a staircase?
Tumbledore
Two snakes are slithering through the desert
Suddenly, they see a camel. One snake says: Yo, follow me, let's pull a prank on that camel over there!
The other says: Oh for f**...'s sake, pranking the wizard wasn't enough for ya?
When i have my first child I'm going to make him read all the Harry Potter books and convince him he is also a wizard.
On his 11th birthday he will receive his hogwarts letter (written by me) and i will then take him to kings cross station and say nothing as he runs at the wall between platform 9 and 10.
Only an American could have written The Wizard of Oz.
Anywhere else, he'd be The Wizard of 28g.
What do you get if you cross a non-violent Indian with an anti-Semitic art school reject and a wizard?
Gandolf
What do you call a wizard who specializes in dairy based magic?
A lactomancer.
