wizard Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious wizard puns

As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

Just wanted to make that clear.

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What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys?

A neck romancer.

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Why did the wizards wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer....

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A wizard walked into a gay bar

and disappeared with a poof.

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Man goes to a wizard

A man goes to see a wizard and says:

"Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"

"Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"

The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

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The Imperial Wizard of the KKK was just found dead near a river in Missouri...

Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping white trash in our water.

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What do you have when you have 16 copies of the Wizard of Oz?

The Wizard of Lb.

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I said, "Gandalf once said 'A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.'"

My boss replied, "You're still fucking fired!"

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A muggle walks up to a wizard

And says "Holy crap, you're Harry Potter!!"

The wizard replies, "No, but you're close. I'm Harry Potter's godfather"

"Haha, nice try Harry Potter. I know it's you." Says the muggle.

"No, I'm Sirius"

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What does a Mexican wizard use to cast magic?

A Juand

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ME: The Wizard told me to choose between a good memory and a big dick

GIRL : Wow.. Which did you pick?
ME: I can't remember.

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Did you hear about the illiterate wizard?

He couldn't even spellbook.

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How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six.

One Slytherin to break it.

One Gryffindor to volunteer to change it.

Three Hufflepuffs to hold the ladder to ensure the safety of the Gryffindor student.

And one Ravenclaw to point out that they could have just used magic in the first place.

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King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for.

He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. 'Merlin, you are a genius!' cried the grateful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.'

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

'Sir Galahad' exclaimed King Arthur, 'the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless..

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Yet Another Bar Joke

Three friends walk into a bar. After a round, the first of the group speaks up. "I would like to reveal to you that I am actually a wizard!" The second friend said, "Good gravy, I am a sorceror too!" The third wasn't anyone magical, but felt pressured to say that he was. The first man said, "Let's have a contest, let's try to make this bar rise into the air!" The first magician caused the bar to rise to the height of a tall mountain. The second said, "Pft, that's nothing," and the bar shot to the edge of space. Now the first two were waiting for the third. The third then cleverly said, "I can't do it. You've set the bar too high."

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What do you call a wizard with a good outlook on life?

An Opti-Mystic.

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Why is Bill Cosby like the The Wizard of Oz?

Cosby Cosby Cosby Cosby cos, because of the wonderful things he drugs

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Three men and a Wizard are on a plane.

Three men and a Wizard are on a plane, and the engines start to fail.

The men begin to panic and the Wizard tells them, "If you jump out of the plane, and yell something, you'll turn into it." The men, a little sketched out, decide to try it.

The first man jumps out, and yells, "EAGLE!"
The man turned into an eagle.

The second man jumps out, and yells, "PIGEON!"
The man turned into a pigeon.

The third man gets a running start and trips out of the plane yelling "OH SHIT!"

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Pinocchio is walking down the street...

...and he runs into a wizard, who says, "Hey, Pinocchio, give me five bucks and I'll turn you into a real boy."

"What's the catch?" Pinocchio asks suspiciously.

"No catch," the wizard replies, "Just give me five bucks and I'll turn you into a real boy, no strings attached."

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Learned in church camp when I was 10 or 11. The only joke I know.

So there was this yellow toad, he wants to be green like his buddies. He goes to the Dr. and gets a blood transfusion to turn himself green. A while later he returns to the Dr. "Hey doc, you did a good job. But I have one problem...my dick is still yellow". The Dr. tells the toad that he can't do anything, but can refer him to the wizard of Oz who should be able to help. So the toad goes on his way.
While this is going on there is a pink elephant who is having the same problem and just wants to be gray like all the other elephants. He gets his blood transfusion, but also has to return to the Dr. later with a problem. 'My dick is still pink doc, I need your help.'. The Dr. let's him know that he can't do anything but refer him to the great wizard of Oz for his dilemma. The elephant responds with " well that's great, but I don't know how to get there." To which the Dr. replies, "Oh it's easy, just follow the yellow dicked toad."

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What do you call a wizard from Uganda?

a uGandalf

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years. One day, a wizard feeling sorry for them, brought them to life for 30 minutes...

Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there.

After a while they came back out, giggling.

The wizard told them, "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go..."

The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered, "Fine, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll shit on it!"

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking each other for hundreds of years out in a park.

One day, a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered "Fine, but this time you hold the pidgeon and i'll shit on it."

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A male and female statue stare at each other for hundreds of years.

One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and giggled. The male statue said "Fine, but this time you hold the pidgeon and I'll shit on it."

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The Three Paddies Meet a Wizard

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman are walking in the woods when they stumble across an old sex wizard down on his luck. "Wishes for a tenner!" shouts the wizard. "I'll give you anything you like, but I'm sick and tired of making knobs bigger, so don't ask!"

Without wasting a second, Paddy Englishman hands the wizard a ten pound note. "I want my wife to be ten times more adventurous in bed."

The sex wizard nods. "Uxor non inhibitoris! An easy one! It is done!"

Paddy Scotsman counts out nine pound coins and two 50 pence pieces. "My wife and I are happy enough, but I'm terrified of becoming a grandfather before I'm 50. I'd be obliged if you could fix it so my teenage daughters can't get pregnant before they're 25."

The sex wizard nods. "Filiae non fertilismus! Very wise! It is done!"

The sex wizard turns to Paddy Irishman, who has his hands planted firmly in his pockets and looks ready to move on. "No wish for you?"

"I'll save my tenner," says Paddy Irishman, with a grin. "These boys have me covered!"

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Lancelot!

Lancelot, the chief knight of King Arthur, wanted to spend some time with Queen Guinevere. He couldn't, however, get her away from Arthur, so he calls Merlin the wizard to help him.

"I want to be with the Queen, help me"

So Merlin pours some itchy powder in her underwear. Soon, the Queen starts to feel the effect. Arthur, desperate, calls Merlin to advise him on what to do.

"Your majesty, this is an enchantment which only the saliva of noble knight Lancelot can cure. He must apply it to the Queen for three hours"

The King concedes, and Lancelot has his wish granted. The next day, Merlin goes to Lancelot:

"I've kept my part. Pay me"

"What? I won't pay you for only three hours!"

This angers Merlin, who leaves, then puts itchy powder on the King's boxers. Arthur, in pain, calls out:

"Lancelot!"

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What did the neckbeard wizard use to find his way around Hogwarts?

M'rauders Map

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Why did the wizard lose his job?

He got outsorced.

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How is working in I.T. like being a wizard?

You command vast powers beyond the scope of smaller minds, but to them all you do is wiggle your fingers and stuff just happens.

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What do you call a dark wizard that loves to give hickeys?

a necromancer

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A statue of a women and a man stood looking at each other for hundreds or years

One day a wizard, feeling bad for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes.
Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all types of weird sounds and moans from there.

After a while they came back out, giggling.
The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and the male statue said "Ok, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll shit on it."

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The other day, a wizard offered to turn me into a cat.

The suggestion gave me pause.

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Four former U.S. presidents...

Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they're all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.

What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: I've come for some courage.

No problem! says the Wizard. Who is next?

Ronald Reagan steps forward, Wellโ€ฆIโ€ฆI think I need a heart.

Done, says the Wizard.

Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?

Up steps George W. Bush, who says, I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.

Not a problem! says the Wizard. Consider it done.

There is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, What do you want?

Ummm, he says quietly, is Dorothy around?

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Have you heard about the barefoot frail wizard with bad breath?

Well it's the first confirmed case of a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis

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What do you call a wizard that can only control lizards?

Salamancer.

Ha.

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What are the most funny Wizard jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Wizard? Well, here are the best Wizard dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Wizard pick up lines to share with friends.

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