Wives Jokes

175 wives jokes and hilarious wives puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wives that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover the best wives jokes around! From cheating wives to 4 wives, military wives to pastors, explore the fun and humor in all types of relationships. With jokes about anniversaries, monotony, and all the excesses of marriage, this collection is sure to make you and your spouse laugh.

Funniest Wives Short Jokes

Short wives jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wives humour may include short mates jokes also.

  1. Please becareful on the road Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive
  2. 75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house. 90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.
  3. Trump's wives were immigrants, proving the adage true... Immigrants do the jobs Americans don't want to do.
  4. How did the Polygamist Hippie count his wives? 1 Mrs. hippie, 2 Mrs. Hippie, 3 Mrs. Hippie......
  5. How does a polygamist hippie count his wives? One Mrs. Hippie, two Mrs. Hippie, three Mrs. Hippie......
  6. Really awkward pick-up line. Me: You look like my first wife.
    Her: (surprised) How many wives have you had?
    Me: None
    *wedding music starts playing*
  7. Two of Trump's wives have been immigrants. Which just goes to show you that those people will take jobs that no American wants.
  8. September was the first calendar month no nfl players were arrested in six years. Kudos to their wives for being so well behaved last month.
  9. Two little boys are at a wedding when one leans over to other and asks: "How many wives are we allowed to have?"
    His friend answered "Sixteen. Four better, four worse, four richer and four poorer!"
  10. Two men were talking about their wives The first guy says My wife is an angel!
    The other says You're lucky, mine's still alive.

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Wives One Liners

Which wives one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wives? I can suggest the ones about female and maid.

  1. Wives are like grenades... Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!
  2. Amish men can't motorboat their wives. They can only row boat them.
  3. Four men are waiting for their wives in a marital ward.
  4. A toast to wives, girlfriends, and lovers. May they never meet.
  5. Why were the wives of a polygamist awarded a degree in physics? For splitting an Adam.
  6. My ex wives were all good housekeepers.. ..When they left, they kept the house.
  7. Wives are amazing magicians... They can turn anything into an argument.
  8. Why don't men install urinals in their houses? Their wives just wouldn't stand for it :)
  9. What is the punishment for bigamy? Two wives.
  10. Why do most car accidents happen when men are drunk? Because their wives are driving.
  11. Why do men usually die before their wives? Because they want to.
  12. The only people who get more concussions than NFL players.. are their wives
  13. Yo Mama so fat... When a Muslim man marries her he fills up his 4 wives quota
  14. What do you call a dad joke with no kids or wives around? Funny
  15. What's the one thing snipers can't tell their wives? I missed you this morning.

Two Wives Jokes

Here is a list of funny two wives jokes and even better two wives puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • King henry viii had six wives. He beheaded two of them. Those were his axe wives.
    (this joke is courtesy of my father)
  • What is the penalty for polygamy? Two wives.
  • What's the punishment for bigamy? Two wives.

    (Joke courtesy of my Wife!)
  • What's the difference between an IT professional and a polygamist? The IT guy has two computers in case one goes down, the polygamist has two wives in case one doesn't.
  • Why are two of Trump's three wives immigrants? Why are two of Trump's three wives immigrants?
    Because there are some jobs Americans just won't do.
  • Two guys are talking in a bar... About their wives. The first man proudly tells the other '"My wife's an angel!" to which the other man replies, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
  • My first two wives died from eating poisonous mushrooms, the third one died from a blow to the head. She didn't want to eat the mushrooms.
  • After my most recent divorce, I'm now paying alimony to BOTH of my ex-wives... Owe for two.
  • Did you know King Henry VIII had an insatiable sweet tooth and was particularly fond of honey? It's why two of his wives were bee-headed
  • Doctor: You Look Exactly LIke My Third Wife. Lady: How Many Wives Do You Have?
    Doc : Two.

Husbands And Wives Jokes

Here is a list of funny husbands and wives jokes and even better husbands and wives puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why do husbands typically die before their wives? They want to.
  • joke 4 joke Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
  • Why do wives cook for their husbands? Because according to the law, all prisoners need to be fed.
  • Wives always complain that their husbands don't listen to them. My wife has never complained about this. Or maybe she has. I don't know.
  • Why do Husbands die before their Wives? Because they want to.
  • Why do husbands always die before their wives? Have you ever seen a women that was ready to go before a man?
  • What do you call a group of musicians with wives? A hus-band.
  • Wives live longer than their husbands.. because they are not married to a woman
    (Courtesy "Whose Line It is Anyway")
  • How many confederate flag bearing husbands does it take to beat up their wives? None, she fell down the stairs.
  • Why do pagans make the best husbands and wives? Because they'll worship the ground you walk on.
Wives joke, Why do pagans make the best husbands and wives?

Old Wives Jokes

Here is a list of funny old wives jokes and even better old wives puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I heard married women sometimes grow an appendage out of their back side as they age. Maybe it's just an old wives tail.
  • Saudi men are still not letting their wives drive I mean, that's ridiculous. You can't let an 8 year old drive!
  • Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed'... many men still sleep with their wives!!
  • What do wives and horses have in common? They all turn into old nags eventually.
  • Apparently, married women over sixty are "more likely to become furries". I think it's an old wive's tale
  • What do you call a geriatric gynecologist? A spreader of old wives tails
  • I like my wives like my alcohol... Five years old and locked in my basement.
  • What does a toothless, homeless, widower old man ask for? 2000 Wives.
  • Why don't old men eat their wives out? Ever pull apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
  • I am 63 years old and have had 8 wives. Only 2 of them were mine.
Wives joke, I am 63 years old and have had 8 wives.

Delightful Fun Wives Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about wives you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean men women jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wives pranks.

A Baptist a Catholic and a m**... were talking about their families. . .

The Baptist says I have 4 kids, just one more and I'll have a basketball team. The Catholic says That's nice but I have 10 kids, one more and I'll have a football team. The m**... says Well, I have 17 wives, one more, and I'll have a golf course.

Memory Lane...

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

A Jew, a Catholic, and a m**... all walk into a bar...

The Jewish man boasts, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic man says, "That's nothing! I have ten sons. One more and I'll have a soccer team!" The m**... stands up and proclaims, "Big deal! I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

Three men are in a waiting room while their wives are giving birth...

The nurse comes out and says to the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins!" "That's funny," he said," I work for Double Tree. Later on the nurse came out again and said to the second father, saying, "Congratulations, you're the father of triplets!" The man responded, "That's funny, I work for 3M. The third man started b**... his head against the wall, yelling. When they asked him what was wrong, he responded, "I work for 7 Up!"

A Catholic priest, a Baptist priest, and a m**... priest are sitting in a bar

So a m**... priest, a baptist priest, and a catholic priest are sitting in a bar. The catholic priest says "I have six kids now, I have a basketball team". The baptist priest says "I have eleven kids now, I have a football team". The m**... priest says "I have 18 wives now, I have a golf course"

Please settle an argument regarding this joke: why is it funny?

>What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
>30 pounds.
This joke has been the source of debate among my peers. I know I'm right, but I need evidence/validation. Why is this joke funny? What is the punch line implying?

Two wives go out for girls night.

Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.
They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.
One used her p**... the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.
The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no p**...."
The other husband said, "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her crack that read "from all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you"!!

Wife's Duties

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties at home.
The first man had married a woman from Georgia and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Arkansas. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was cleaned and the dishes were done, and food was on the table.
The third man had married a girl from Texas. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.


An American, an Englishman and an Irishman were having breakfast together with their wives.
The American suddenly smiled and turned to his wife saying: "Would you please pass me the honey, Honey."
The Englishman, not to be outdone, turned to his wife and said: "Please pass me the sugar, Sugar."
The Irishman paused a while, then turned to his wife and said: "Pass me the tea, Bag."

Three men were discussing the presents they gave their wives...

Guy 1: I gave my wife something that goes from 0-60 in 4 seconds
Guy 2: What?
Guy 1: A brand new Porsche 911
Guy 2: Well I gave my wife something that goes from 0-60 in 3.2 seconds
Guy 1: What?
Guy 2: A brand new Ferrari
Guy 3: That's nothing I gave my wife a present that goes from 0-250 in 2 seconds
Guy 2: Wow what?
Guy 3: A weight scale

A Jew, A Catholic, and a m**... are in a bar discussing their families...

...The Jew says "I have 8 kids, one more and I'll have enough for a baseball team!" The Catholic says "I have 10 kids, one more and I'll have enough for a football team!" The m**... says "That's nothing, I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have enough for a golf course!"

Two old men are sitting on the porch,

their wives in the kitchen. One says to the other, "Bob you should try that restaurant we went to last night. Best food I've had in a long time."
"Yeah Joe? What was it called?" asked Bob.
"Well, I can't seem to remember...What is the name of that red flower, you know with the thorns on the stem?
"A Rose, I think you are thinking of."

Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post)

Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is m**....
Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."
Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team."
David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Girlfriends, wives, and h**..., and the differences between them.

h**... say "Are you done yet?"
Girlfriends say "Are you done already?"
Wives say "Tan, we should paint the ceiling tan."

How did the hippie remember the number of wives he had?

He counted 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi...

Three men compare how they control their wives...

Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all night."
The second guy says, "I just keep repeating my point until she sees the light. Then she always makes my favourite dinner and gives me a back rub."
The third guy says, "Every time we argue, my wife is always on her hands and knees by the end of it."
The other two look at him, impressed. "Then what happens?" The second one asks.
"Well," the third says, " then she says 'Get out from under the bed and fight me you p**...!' "

What do Romans say when their wives run away?


My wife is an angel.

All my friends are jealous because their wives are still alive.

Romantic men

3 men talk about their wives. The first one says: "My wife is like a butterfly, so delicate and pretty". The second one: "Mine is like a baby deer, beautiful and gracious". After a moment of silence the third one goes: "Now that I think about it mine doesn't look much human either".

A Jew, a Catholic, and a m**... are drinking together.

The Jew boasts about his fertility
"I have 4 sons; one more and I'll have a basketball team!"
"That's nothing," says the Catholic, "I have 10 sons! I almost have a football team!"
The Jew and Catholic looked expectantly at the m**.... "Well?"
"I have 17 wives. I almost have a golf course!"

All Men Go to Heaven...

...and upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells the recently departed to form two lines: one for the 'man of the house'; and a second for those obedient and dutiful to their wives. The first line had only 1 man standing in it, while the second line was miles long.
St. Peter turns to the one man standing in the first line and asks, "Man, how did you end up in this line?!"
To which the man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

c**... origins

Did you know the c**... was invented in a small village in wales in the 12th century. They thought it would be a good idea to use the lower intestine of a sheep to stop their wives becoming pregnant.
Of course, in the 1350's, the English improved on the idea. They took the lower intestine out of the sheep before they used it.

A man comes home with a sheep under his arm

He walks up to his to his wife and says: "this is the pig I have s**... with when you're tired." "That's not a pig" his wives responds. "Hey, I'm not talking to you.."

I work in retail, a married man made me laugh

Me: Hi sir, can I help you?
Him: Nah I'm just looking for my wife
Me: Oh sorry, we don't sell wives here
Him: Good! Else you'd get a lot of returns!

A Jewish guy, a Catholic guy and a m**... are having dinner together...

...and they are bragging about their families.
"My wife and I have 4 strapping young boys" says the Jewish man. "If we have one more, we would have our own basketball team."
"Well, good for you" says the Catholic. "But we have 10 healthy sons. If we would have one more we would have our own football team."
"That's nothing" says the m**.... "I have 17 wives. If I have one more I would have my own golf course."

What do wives and shingles have in common?

if you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's.

How are wives like cholesterol?

If you ignore them for too long they'll probably end up killing you

So a Muslim man walks into an elementary school...

To pick up his wives

A Jew, a Catholic and a m**... were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting...

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
To which the m**... replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Discount Air Rides

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'

There are 5 white guys waiting in the waiting room while their wives are delivering babies

The nurse comes out with a black baby and asks, "Whose baby does this belong to?"
The men just look at each other dumbfounded until one man puts his hand up and says, "It's probably mine, my wife burns everything."

Why do Welshmen like to embarrass their wives?

It makes them rather sheepish.

My first three wives...

"The first two ate poisonous mushrooms.
The third one took a shot to the head."
"Oh my lord" my friend says, "that is awful, who shot her?"
"I did," I say,
"She wasn't eating the poisonous mushrooms"

Why should polygamy be legal?

Any guy willing to take multiple wives is punishment enough!

An old man dies and goes up to heaven

He arrives at the Pearly Gates and he sees two signs. The first sign reads, "MEN WHO CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". The old man looks and sees that this line is about 10 miles long. So the old man looks at the second sign. It reads "MEN WHO WERE NOT CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". There's only o**... in this line. Slowly the old man walks over to him, "Tell me, why are you standing over here?". The guy looks at him and says "I don't know, my wife told me to."

A five year old read a story about a king

5yo: mom, i also want 3 wives, one to feed me, one to bathe me, one to sing for me.
mom: and which one will put you to sleep?
5yo: none, i'd still sleep with you.
mom: you're the best son ever. but where will your wives sleep then?
5yo: they can sleep with dad.
dad: you really are the best son ever.

Best son ever

5 year old son after reading a story of a king
Son : mom, I also want 3 wives, one will bathe , one will cook and one will sing
Mom : which one will put you to sleep?
Son: no mom, I will still sleep with you. Mom's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son
Mom : who will the 3 wives sleep with?
Son : let them sleep with daddy
Daddy's eyes filled with tears... God bless you son

A man is meeting with his boss and his boss's boss for brunch.

All three of their wives are joining them to eat. Among the conversation, the man's boss's boss asks his wife to pass him the sugar.
"Pass the sugar, sugar."
Then his boss looks at his wife to pass him the honey.
"Pass the honey, honey." He says.
The man thinks he should match his boss's and boss's boss's humor.
He looks to his wife and says, "Pass the tea, bag."

A bus full of wives going on a picnic

fall into a river and all die.
The husbands saddened cry for a week while one husband continued to cry for more than two weeks.
When asked why he misses his wife so much he replied miserably...
"My wife missed the bus!!"

Wives and grenades have one thing in common...

When you take off the ring, your house is gone.


Two buddies were drinking while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it d**...?" Asked the one.
"Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, k**..., huh?"
"Well, not exactly..."
"I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

Wives are s**... objects

Every time you ask for s**..., she objects

An Englishman, a Welshman and an Arab met over coffee.. a convention.
''I am happily married,'' said the Englishman, ''and have 10 children. One more and I shall have my own football team."
''I am happily married,'' said the Welshman ''and have 14 children. One more and I shall have my own Rugby team."
''I am also happily married,'' said the Arab ''and have 17 wives. One more and I shall have my own Golf course.''

Breaking news : ISIS has surrendered

As soon as they read that Hugh Hefner has died , they realized there won't be any more virgins left for them in heaven, and have laid down their arms and will lead peaceful lives with their current wives .

How come pioneers always had ugly wives?

Because they settled.

Hey everyone be careful on the road this holiday because there are a lot of people drinking

And their wives are driving

The average person has s**... 90 times a year.

Man this going to be an epic new years eve!

Be carfeful on the streets tonight. A lot of people are having too many drinks

and let their wives drive.

Be careful on the roads tonight

Lots of people will be drinking excessively and letting their wives drive. Recipe for disaster.

There's an international multi-event competition for military spouses, but the same team wins every year.

The Swiss Army Wives.


A man is talking to his friend "I think my wife is being
unfaithful to me. And I think she's going out with a tennis
The friend asks "Tennis player? Why?"
"Because", answers the other, "I found a racquet under our bed".
The friend thinks for some seconds and says "Gee, I think then
my wife is being unfaithful to me with a horse".
"A horse?? How come? Why??"
"Because I found a jockey under our bed."

Gender Equality

Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent from CNN noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front.
The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.
"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."

Grenades are like wives

take off the ring and you have no house.

Happy father's day!

5 year old son after reading story of a king says to his mom:
Son: Mom, I also want 3 wives... one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me
Mom: And which one will put you to sleep
Son: No mom, i will still sleep with you
Mom's eyes filled up with tears.
Mom: God bless you son. But who will sleep with your 3 wives?
Son: Let them sleep with daddy.
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears. God bless you son !
Happy Father's day!

Wives are not like computers

When you're not expecting it, a computer will go down on you.

Why were the wives of World War 2 soldiers happy to see them?

Because the wives wanted to have their own D-day.

How many wives

Two little boys were at a wedding when one leaned over to the other and asked, "How many wives can a man have?"
His friend answered, "Sixteen... four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer."

Wives joke, How many wives

jokes about wives