The Best 67 Wives Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Wives jokes. There are some wives daughters jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these wives husbands and wives puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Wives Jokes and Puns

What is the punishment for bigamy?

Two wives.

Memory Lane...

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon all walk into a bar...

The Jewish man boasts, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic man says, "That's nothing! I have ten sons. One more and I'll have a soccer team!" The Mormon stands up and proclaims, "Big deal! I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

Wives joke, A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon all walk into a bar...

Three men are in a waiting room while their wives are giving birth...

The nurse comes out and says to the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins!" "That's funny," he said," I work for Double Tree. Later on the nurse came out again and said to the second father, saying, "Congratulations, you're the father of triplets!" The man responded, "That's funny, I work for 3M. The third man started banging his head against the wall, yelling. When they asked him what was wrong, he responded, "I work for 7 Up!"

Two wives go out for girls night.

Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.

They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.

One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.

The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no panties."

The other husband said, "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her crack that read "from all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you"!!


Wife's Duties

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties at home.

The first man had married a woman from Georgia and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Arkansas. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was cleaned and the dishes were done, and food was on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Texas. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

Tea?


An American, an Englishman and an Irishman were having breakfast together with their wives.

The American suddenly smiled and turned to his wife saying: "Would you please pass me the honey, Honey."

The Englishman, not to be outdone, turned to his wife and said: "Please pass me the sugar, Sugar."

The Irishman paused a while, then turned to his wife and said: "Pass me the tea, Bag."

Wives joke, Tea?

A Jew, A Catholic, and a Mormon are in a bar discussing their families...

...The Jew says "I have 8 kids, one more and I'll have enough for a baseball team!" The Catholic says "I have 10 kids, one more and I'll have enough for a football team!" The Mormon says "That's nothing, I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have enough for a golf course!"

Two old men are sitting on the porch,

their wives in the kitchen. One says to the other, "Bob you should try that restaurant we went to last night. Best food I've had in a long time."

"Yeah Joe? What was it called?" asked Bob.

"Well, I can't seem to remember...What is the name of that red flower, you know with the thorns on the stem?

"A Rose, I think you are thinking of."

"Your right, thanks....**HEY ROSE, WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT RESTAURANT WE WENT TO LAST NIGHT?"**

Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post)

Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is Mormon.

Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."

Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team."

David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Girlfriends, wives, and hookers, and the differences between them.

Hookers say "Are you done yet?"
Girlfriends say "Are you done already?"
Wives say "Tan, we should paint the ceiling tan."

You can explore wives excessively reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean wives wifey dad jokes. There are also wives puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


How did the hippie remember the number of wives he had?

He counted 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi...

Three men compare how they control their wives...

Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all night."

The second guy says, "I just keep repeating my point until she sees the light. Then she always makes my favourite dinner and gives me a back rub."

The third guy says, "Every time we argue, my wife is always on her hands and knees by the end of it."

The other two look at him, impressed. "Then what happens?" The second one asks.

"Well," the third says, " then she says 'Get out from under the bed and fight me you pussy!' "

Four men are waiting for their wives in a marital ward.

Why don't men install urinals in their houses?

Their wives just wouldn't stand for it :)

A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon are drinking together.

The Jew boasts about his fertility

"I have 4 sons; one more and I'll have a basketball team!"

"That's nothing," says the Catholic, "I have 10 sons! I almost have a football team!"

The Jew and Catholic looked expectantly at the Mormon. "Well?"

"I have 17 wives. I almost have a golf course!"

Wives joke, A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon are drinking together.

All Men Go to Heaven...

...and upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells the recently departed to form two lines: one for the 'man of the house'; and a second for those obedient and dutiful to their wives. The first line had only 1 man standing in it, while the second line was miles long.

St. Peter turns to the one man standing in the first line and asks, "Man, how did you end up in this line?!"

To which the man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

September was the first calendar month no NFL players were arrested in six years.

Kudos to their wives for being so well behaved last month.

Condom origins

Did you know the condom was invented in a small village in wales in the 12th century. They thought it would be a good idea to use the lower intestine of a sheep to stop their wives becoming pregnant.

Of course, in the 1350's, the English improved on the idea. They took the lower intestine out of the sheep before they used it.


Trump's wives were immigrants, proving the adage true...

Immigrants do the jobs Americans don't want to do.

I work in retail, a married man made me laugh

Me: Hi sir, can I help you?
Him: Nah I'm just looking for my wife
Me: Oh sorry, we don't sell wives here
Him: Good! Else you'd get a lot of returns!

A Jewish guy, a Catholic guy and a Mormon are having dinner together...

...and they are bragging about their families.

"My wife and I have 4 strapping young boys" says the Jewish man. "If we have one more, we would have our own basketball team."

"Well, good for you" says the Catholic. "But we have 10 healthy sons. If we would have one more we would have our own football team."

"That's nothing" says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. If I have one more I would have my own golf course."

Wives are like grenades...

Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

Two of Trump's wives have been immigrants.

Which just goes to show you that those people will take jobs that no American wants.

What do wives and shingles have in common?

if you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's.

Why do most car accidents happen when men are drunk?

Because their wives are driving.

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting...

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

The only people who get more concussions than NFL players..

are their wives

My ex wives were all good housekeepers..

..When they left, they kept the house.

A toast to wives, girlfriends, and lovers.

May they never meet.

My first three wives...

"The first two ate poisonous mushrooms.
The third one took a shot to the head."

"Oh my lord" my friend says, "that is awful, who shot her?"

"I did," I say,

"She wasn't eating the poisonous mushrooms"

Yo Mama so fat...

When a Muslim man marries her he fills up his 4 wives quota

An old man dies and goes up to heaven

He arrives at the Pearly Gates and he sees two signs. The first sign reads, "MEN WHO CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". The old man looks and sees that this line is about 10 miles long. So the old man looks at the second sign. It reads "MEN WHO WERE NOT CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". There's only one guy in this line. Slowly the old man walks over to him, "Tell me, why are you standing over here?". The guy looks at him and says "I don't know, my wife told me to."

Best son ever

5 year old son after reading a story of a king

Son : mom, I also want 3 wives, one will bathe , one will cook and one will sing

Mom : which one will put you to sleep?

Son: no mom, I will still sleep with you. Mom's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son

Mom : who will the 3 wives sleep with?

Son : let them sleep with daddy

Daddy's eyes filled with tears... God bless you son

Wives are amazing magicians...

They can turn anything into an argument.

75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house.

90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.

A bus full of wives going on a picnic

fall into a river and all die.

The husbands saddened cry for a week while one husband continued to cry for more than two weeks.

When asked why he misses his wife so much he replied miserably...

"My wife missed the bus!!"

Doggie Style

Two buddies were drinking while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" Asked the one.
"Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well, not exactly..."
"I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

Wives are sex objects

Every time you ask for sex, she objects

An Englishman, a Welshman and an Arab met over coffee..

...at a convention.

''I am happily married,'' said the Englishman, ''and have 10 children. One more and I shall have my own football team."

''I am happily married,'' said the Welshman ''and have 14 children. One more and I shall have my own Rugby team."

''I am also happily married,'' said the Arab ''and have 17 wives. One more and I shall have my own Golf course.''

I heard married women sometimes grow an appendage out of their back side as they age.

Maybe it's just an old wives tail.

Hey everyone be careful on the road this holiday because there are a lot of people drinking

And their wives are driving

Please becareful on the roads

Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive

Two men were talking about their wives

The first guy says My wife is an angel!

The other says You're lucky, mine's still alive.

Gender Equality

Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent from CNN noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front.

The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.

"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."

Why do men usually die before their wives?

Because they want to.

Happy father's day!

5 year old son after reading story of a king says to his mom:

Son: Mom, I also want 3 wives... one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me

Mom: And which one will put you to sleep

Son: No mom, i will still sleep with you

Mom's eyes filled up with tears.

Mom: God bless you son. But who will sleep with your 3 wives?

Son: Let them sleep with daddy.

Daddy's eyes filled up with tears. God bless you son !

Happy Father's day!

What's the one thing snipers can't tell their wives?

I missed you this morning.

Two little boys are at a wedding when one leans over to other and asks:

"How many wives are we allowed to have?"

His friend answered "Sixteen. Four better, four worse, four richer and four poorer!"

What's the one thing snipers can't tell their wives?

I missed you yesterday while at work.

A man on a stage giving speech 'all men who are afraid of their wives come here"

All the men except for one person went to the stage. He said to the only man sitting in his seat "wow, so you aren't afraid of your wife, respect".

The man said "my wife told me not to move from this seat till she comes back"

after 3 weeks of lockdon

I was thinking a bit about Bin Laden. He stayed at home with 3 wives for 5 years. I'm beginning to suspect he called the Navy Seals himself

Two young boys are seated at the back of the congregation at a Mormon temple wedding...

Two young boys are seated at the back of the congregation at a Mormon temple wedding when one of them leans over and asks the other:

I'm confused, how many wives are we allowed to have?

His companion mulls it over, Sixteen… I think. *Four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer.*

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly grabs the darkest baby and sprints towards the door.

The doctor shouts: "Sir! What are you doing!!!?"

The Englishman as he's getting farther: "I'm not raising no bloody Frenchman!"

Really awkward pick-up line.

Me: You look like my first wife.

Her: (surprised) How many wives have you had?

Me: None

*wedding music starts playing*

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,

"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

"I hear you just got married again."

Jim: "Joe, I hear you just got married again."

Joe: "Yes, for the fourth time."

Jim: "What happened to your first three wives?"

Joe: "They all died, Jim."

Jim: "How did that happen?"

Joe: "My first wife ate poison mushrooms."

Jim: "How terrible! And your second?"

Joe: "She ate poison mushrooms."

Jim: "And your third ate poison mushrooms too?"

Joe: "Oh, no. She died of blunt head trauma."

Jim: "I see, an accident."

Joe: "Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are talking about their families.

The Scientologist jokes, "I've got 4 kids. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic joins in and says, "Well I've got 10 kids, and one more I'll have a football team!". The Mormon speaks up and deadpans. "I've got 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

How does a polygamist hippie count his wives?

One Mrs. Hippie, two Mrs. Hippie, three Mrs. Hippie......

What do Polish men give their wives on their wedding day that's long and hard?

Their last name.

Pedro reaches the doctor's clinic

Pedro reaches the doctor's clinic looking very despondent.

Doc: What're you here for?

Pedro: The vasectomy camp.

Dr: Oh ok. How many kids do you have?

Pedro: None. I am not even married !!

Dr (shocked): Then why do you want a vasectomy?

Pedro: Every man in the village got it done over the last few years. Now whenever their wives conceive, they come and beat me up !!!

What's an effective way to get Texas Lawmakers to change their view on abortion law?

Get their wives pregnant, if they have any.

A man in rural Arkansas is brought before a judge for his prelimnary hearing.

"What is the charge, counsel?" The judge asks.

"Bigotry, your honor," the prosecutor replies. "This man has three wives."

"You idiot," the judge says. "That ain't bigotry, it's trigonometry."

6 Year old son , after reading story of a king

Son: Mom I also want 4 wives, one will sing ,one bathe me, one will cook

Mom: And one will put you to sleep

Son:No, Mom I will still sleep with you
Mom's eyes filled up with tears.God Bless you dear

Mom: Then who will sleep with your 4 wives?

Son: Let them sleep with dad

Dad's eyes filled up with tears.God Bless you dear

I've had 7 wives...

2 of them were mine.

Six Months

"I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his friend, Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken with me for six months." Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find."

My first two wives died from eating poisonous mushrooms, the third one died from a blow to the head.

She didn't want to eat the mushrooms.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the wives graveyard wives jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working wives husband wives piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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