The Best 35 Witty Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Witty jokes. There are some witty submit jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these witty witty political puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Witty Jokes and Puns

God creates Adam

God creates Adam and it was good. After some time God realizes Adam needs a companion and says to him, "Adam, I have decided to give you a companion. I will give you a woman who will love you and live to please you. She will be intelligent, witty, and above all beautiful. She will cook your meals, wash your clothes, and laugh at all of your jokes."

Adam couldn't believe his luck!

God says, "All this will cost you only and arm and a leg." To which Adam replies, "What can I get for a rib?"

What do you get a first dad for father's day?

Condoms.

Courtesy of my witty ole' uncle mike

Witty Answer from a Four Year Old

Mom just informed me that I said this when I was little. The original punch line is "Make a sound like a carrot".

MOM: "How do you catch a rabbit?"
ME: "Have someone throw one at you."

Witty joke, Witty Answer from a Four Year Old

A linguistics professor is giving a lecture...

She says "Only in few languages, like Russian do two negatives make a positive, but there is not a single language known where two positives make a negative"
A witty student shouts back "yeah right! "

Not a joke, but some witty comment I like to say

Whenever I get my hands on one of my friends phone (who isn't single), or whenever one of them gets a new girlfriend, I ask:

"Do you have any naked photos of you girlfriend on your phone?"

Naturally, the answer is "No", at which I respond:

"Do you want some?"

Works every time :)


A man goes hunting...

He is an Atheist. He is in the woods when he trips and drops his rifle down a cliffs edge, and a Bear corners him. Knowing its his last line of life, but un willing to ask for god, he thinks of a witty idea, he says "If there is a god, please make this bear a christian!".The bear stands up and says "Dear lord, thank you for this meal im about to eat".
Hueh.

On a Scale of 1 to 10, How Obsessed am I with Harry Potter?

9 3/4

*Credit goes to a tee shirt I saw. I'm not that witty.*

Witty joke, On a Scale of 1 to 10, How Obsessed am I with Harry Potter?

A woman passes out while giving birth to her twins leaving her immature, witty brother to name them.

She wakes up and immediately asks her brother what he named her new born girl. He replies,"Denise". Surprised she says,"That's a beautiful name, what about my baby boy"? He responds with a grin from ear to ear, "Denephew".

Need something witty to say after i pee in a cup...

Tomorrow is drug test day... Not sure this is actually the right sub for this but watevs.

Do vegans get paid hourly or celery?

That's it. That was the joke. No witty punchline or anything like that. Sorry.

An Irishman offended everyone in the pub by making witty jokes about their mums. What was his name?

O'Byrne

You can explore witty wit reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean witty witted dad jokes. There are also witty puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


TIFU by trying to be witty at the airport...

The TSA confiscated my protein powder asking "Are you planning on building any bombs with this substance?"

I replied "No, only guns."

What are some very short, witty, funny, punny jokes than you can use to start a conversation with a girl? (no extreme sexual stuff)

But compliments would help

What's clever, witty and makes everyone laugh?

Definitely not me

Imagine it, you're in an action movie, about to kick down a door and burst into the room killing all the baddies and your witty one-liner is...

Oops wrong theater.

I thought my witty comeback was completely original....

Turns out it was a riposte.

Witty joke, I thought my witty comeback was completely original....

Who is witty and runs over obstacles?

Dorothy Parkour

I was born handsome, charming witty and wise

I'm also a compulsive liar, but I think it evens out.

What do you call a witty man in Canada?

A tourist.


What do you call a witty loaf of bread?

Pun

I'm getting really good at talking to girls.

..I thought of something witty within less than a minute after the conversation this time.

My boss gave me a pep talk before my presentation and told me not to worry about being charming, witty, or intelligent.

He told me to just be myself.

There are two types of joke tellers in this world. Those who take the time to craft a witty punchline...

The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won't take any part in it.

So wake me up when it's all over

What do they say about a guy who takes credit for other's witty word play?

He has puns of steal.

What's witty, funny, and makes everyone laugh?

Not me.

If you are looking for a witty guy with abandonment issues

Then look no father

My friend once told me he's so single, he has to go to KFC in order to feel some breast.

I thought he really witty and good with puns until he got arrested.

I would appreciate it if we stopped posting Holocaust Jokes. They're not funny, witty, or humorous. My Grandpa died in the Holocaust

He fell off the Guard Tower

My five-year-old, everyone.

My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen:

 

Step-daughter: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

Me: "Aw why not, sweets?"

Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!"

Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore."

Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore."

 

I had just been out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how hilarious she was with her wit. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a funeral).

An audio technician becomes a comedian

An audio technician is on stage at an open mic night in a comedy club.

He seems to be absolutely crushing the audience with witty and outrageous jokes.

At the end of his time he gets to do a mic drop.

That was the last night he ever did comedy.

The feedback ruined it.

An Arrogant Boss

The secretary saw that her boss' zipper was open when he walked out of the bathroom.

Hey boss, "Your garage door is open."

The arrogant boss walked real close to her and said, "I hope you got a good look at my Ferrari."

The witty secretary quickly said, "No, but I did get a glimpse of a small scooter with two deflated wheels."

Mom and Dad

My mom and dad are fighting again. My mom yelled, Have you been drinking again? You promised me to try to be a different man!!

My dad always has a witty reply. He said, I am trying, but the other man is a drinker too.

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.

The day on which the paper announced the contest winner finally arrived! I scanned, and then carefully read the full-page of submissions, but the truth stared me in the face. Of my submissions that should have won, no pun in ten did.

Why are atoms selfish?

Because they're all that matter!


...Courtesy of my witty wife after my 11 year old asked the "Why should you never trust atoms? - because they make up everything" joke.

I thought surely the joke already existed, but I couldn't find it anywhere. Doesn't entirely work, but it got a laugh out of me!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the witty unfunny jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working witty witty clever piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes