The Best 49 Witnesses Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Witnesses jokes. There are some witnesses robbery jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these witnesses bystanders puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Witnesses Jokes and Puns

Why don't the Clintons like Jehovah's Witnesses?

The Clintons don't like ANY witn

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

A Jehovah's Witness Came By Yesterday

A Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, "Yeah, okay."
I said I've put on a pot of coffee, do you want some? He said, "Yeah, sure."
I said I've just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, "Yeah, why not."
I then motioned toward the kitchen table and we both sat down. We sat and looked at each other awkwardly for a moment. Then I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know I've never got this far before..."

there was a shooting at the westboro Baptist church recently...

the police report over a dozen witnesses, yet for some reason, nobody saw anything.

jokes about witnesses

God is in an argument with Jehovah...

about which one of their faiths is the true one.

"That's it, I've had it with this! I am taking the matter to the supreme court." he said

"I'd like to see you try." said Jehovah. "I have witnesses."


Two Jews are walking in Odessa at night...

Suddenly, in a dark alley, they are surrounded by muggers with knives.

-- Money, watches, wallets - quick!

One Jew turns to the other:
-- Abram, remember, I owe you $300? Here they are, returned to you in front of witnesses.

A toast to Dad jokes...

Two women knocked at my door and asked what bread I ate.

I said white and they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.


I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

Witnesses joke, A toast to Dad jokes...

A marijuana plantation was set on fire

witnesses claim a dragon is responsible.

Why do Jehovah's Witnesses use Macs?

They prefer to not have windows.

[For those that don't get it, their churches, called "Kingdom Halls", frequently are built without windows. The official reason given is to avoid vandalism but the real reason is usually secrecy. Generally if the group builds a church it won't have windows. Source: my ex-wife was a former member]

Came out of the store and saw a huge scrape down the side of my car. A couple of witnesses said it was a person in an electric wheelchair. They ran into my car and just kept on going. I just wanted to tell that person I will find you...

You can hide, but you can't run.

Two turtles collide in an intersection.

When the police come, they look around to see if there are any witnesses, they only see a snail on the sidewalk. The police approach the snail and ask him if he could tell them what he saw. To which the snail replied, "well, it happened so fast..."

You can explore witnesses jehovas reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean witnesses jehovah witness dad jokes. There are also witnesses puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Why are there no jehovah's witnesses in Italy?

The mafia doesn't like witnesses.

Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?

Because Italians hate any witnesses.

Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on someone's door

The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" The Jehovah's Witnesses look at each other and says to the houseowner, "We don't know what to say, we've never made it this far."

What do jehovah's witnesses believe in?

That I will open the door

What are Jehovah witnesses called in Chinese?

Dind Dong

Witnesses joke, What are Jehovah witnesses called in Chinese?

What do you call Jehova's Witnesses in Chinese

Ding Dong

Jehovah's witnesses are always banging on my door everyday

Joke's on them, I'm never letting them out of my basement.

Why did the hitman have such a hard time getting married?

No witnesses.


2 Original depressed baker jokes

Did you hear about the depressed baker who threw himself into his own oven?
Colleagues said it was a final act of self-loafing.

Did you hear about the depressed baker who went on a killing spree?
Witnesses said he came out all buns glazing.

A bus full of Elvis enthusiasts has crashed on their way to an Elvis convention.

Witnesses say no one was injured but they're all shook up.

Parallel Parking

They say that the worst problem with parallel parking is the witnesses.

But if you are really bad at it, you can eliminate that problem.

A couple of Jehovah witnesses!

A couple of Jehovah witnesses knocked on my door. When I answered, they asked "If they could come in and talk to me about Jesus."

I said sure and walked them to my living room. After sitting down on the sectional, I said ok what do you want to talk about?

They replied, " we're not really sure sir, we haven't ever made it this far before."

Why do Jehovah's Witnesses hate Halloween?

They have to compete with other strangers going door-to-door.

A man died in an accident when working at the brewery.

When the police arrived at his home to inform his wife, she asked how it happened. "Well, madam, I'm sorry to say he fell into one of the beer cauldrons and drowned," said the officer. In tears, the wife asked the officer, "Please, at least tell me it was a quick death". "Unfortunately not," the officer explains, "witnesses say he climbed out at least twice to go to the bathroom".

What is a jehovah witnesses favorite band?

The Doors.

Witnesses joke, What is a jehovah witnesses favorite band?

Jehovah's Witnesses

Jehovahs Witnesses: Do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?

Me: Of course! please come in!

[door slams shut and locks, lights dim, PowerPoint presentation begins]]

Me: But first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed as it left a New York publishing house last Thursday.

According to the Associated Press,
witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied,
confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered,
mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted,
astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled, 
overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, and perplexed.

A man witnesses a murder

The police bring him in to a sketch artist, the sketch artist asks him questions about the murderer until he finishes his drawing. The sketch artist then asks the man "does this look like the murderer?" the man replies with "it's an awful good drawing and all, but it looks nothing like the picture I took".


Today I opened the door to some Jambalaya's Witnesses

They asked if I would like to take a moment to buy some Cajun sauce to increase my chances of salivation.

Judge: Well, we have 10 witnesses who saw you steal.

Prisoner: Maybe, your Honour, but I can give u 20 witnesses who did not see me steal.

Why don't Italians like Jehovah's witnesses?

Italians don't like ANY witnesses.

Somebody attacked Bill Clinton's vice president with a chainsaw.

Witnesses described a mess of blood and Gore.

What's the worst part of parallel parking?

The witnesses.


What's a quick way to get rid of Jehovah's Witnesses?

Ask them if they're here for the orgy.

A bus carrying a jazz band has broke down on the highway

Witnesses are reporting a massive jam

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.

"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags in my hands"

Did you hear Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were attacked by a giant magpie?

Witnesses say one bird was trying to kill two Stones

I got a call from the doctor saying my buddy nearly overdosed on his homeopathic medicine.

Turns out he had forgotten to take it.

*Alternate punchline:* His family and several witnesses later disputed this, arguing the actual problem was him nearly drowning.

I get a lot of solicitors at my house, salespeople, charity seekers, Jehovah's Witnesses, I've seen them all. But today I got someone at my door asking if I eat enough vegetables

I wasn't expecting some sort of spinach inquisition!

A photographer was killed in a freak accident today.

When trying to take a group photo, a giant wheel of cheddar rolled over and crushed him.

Witnesses said people did try to warn him.

Do you know why jehovas witnesses buildings don't have windows?

Its so God can't see what they're doing in there.

Knock, Knock. Warning.

Warning.

If you receive a knock knock email. Do not open it.

It will be Jehovah Witnesses working from home.

8:45 PM, Arrive at the crime scene

- 8:45 PM, Assess victim. Cause of death: strangulation, victim's phone and wallet are missing
- 8:45 PM, Gather evidence. No visible fingerprints, rope used to strangle the victim was found in a nearby trashcan
- 8:45 PM, Question witnesses. One witness states the murderer was driving away in a blue Ford Mondeo
- 8:45 PM, Realise watch is broken. Amazon estimates a 2-3 day wait for a new watch

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyses, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

Did you hear about the plane that crashed into the trampoline factory?

Witnesses heard a loud Boeing!

TodayI discovered that Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween...

I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors

I've been told by people I light up a room

According to police it's called arson and those people are "witnesses"

You Know It's Hot When ...

Cows are giving evaporated milk ...
Chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs ...
Catfish are already fried when caught ...
Jehovah Witnesses start telemarketing ...

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the witnesses incident jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working witnesses nypd piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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