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Witness Jokes

174 witness jokes and hilarious witness puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about witness that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Find out why the courtroom is the ideal place to tell a joke! Whether you're in witness protection, a Jehovah Witness, or the attorney, these witness jokes are sure to make you chuckle. See for yourself why everyone in the courtroom is cracking up, and learn the truth about being a witness.

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Popular Witness Short Jokes

Short witness jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The witness humour may include short testimony jokes also.

  1. Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.
  2. My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
  3. Ever wonder how a Jehovah's Witness spreads their word during Covid? Now that you're here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
  4. Today, a psychic told me I'd witness an unbelievable pain in 12 years. To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!
  5. I just found out that Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like random strangers showing up at their door.
  6. What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's Witness? Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
  7. How do you stop Jehovah Witnesses from coming to your door? Going into jehovah witness Protection.
  8. TodayI discovered that Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween... I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors
  9. My nephew is in the 'why' phase of his life as a 6 year old... and I told him 'Because it feels nice and you're an unreliable witness!'
  10. I let a Jehova's Witness inside the other day and asked him, "what now?"... He replied, "I'm not sure, I've never gotten this far before"

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Witness One Liners

Which witness one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with witness? I can suggest the ones about testament and evidence.

  1. Why don't Italians like Jehovah's witnesses? Italians don't like ANY witnesses.
  2. I witnessed the break up of an obese couple I guess they didn't work out.
  3. Why are there no jehovah's witnesses in Italy? The mafia doesn't like witnesses.
  4. Why did the hitman have such a hard time getting married? No witnesses.
  5. What is the Jenovah Witnesses' favourite band? The doors.
  6. You know, not all Italians are in the mafia. Some are in the Witness Protection Program.
  7. I witnessed my shoelaces fight today... It was a tie...
  8. I witnessed a kidnapping today. I let him sleep.
  9. Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses? Because Italians hate any witnesses.
  10. What is the difference between intentionally and by mistake? The presence of a witness.
  11. I witnessed a Mexican Standoff the other day. It was Juan v Juan.
  12. Did anyone else witness that jet crashing into the ocean? It was plane to sea.
  13. What is a jehovah witnesses favorite band? The Doors.
  14. Is it mean to tell a knock knock joke to a Jehovah's Witness?
  15. What's a Jahovah's witness' favorite treat? Ding Dongs

Jehovahs Witness Jokes

Here is a list of funny jehovahs witness jokes and even better jehovahs witness puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Just had a Jehovah's Witness come to the door and ask if I had found Jesus yet. I said no, isn't he under the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program?
  • My drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness as a disguise... He eventually got arrested after the police saw that people actually let him in
  • Jehovah's Witness
    I was just wondering………..if a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven and knocks on heaven's door….. does Saint Peter answer the door or does he hide like the rest of us???
  • You know the only good thing about quarantine? I haven't seen a jehovah's witness in awhile.
  • The Jehovah's Witness don't seem to get the hint with my Koran, so... Islam the door in their face
  • A Jehovah's Witness knocked at my door this morning. Could you spare a few moments to talk about the Judgement Day? he asked.
    Well, I replied, I'm not a big fan of the Terminator series. I Said
  • Knock, Knock. Warning. Warning.
    If you receive a knock knock email. Do not open it.
    It will be Jehovah Witnesses working from home.
  • I'm in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program. I have to go door-to-door and tell people I'm somebody else.
  • I once knew a Jehovah's Witness who became a stand-up comedian. But all he knew was knock knock jokes.
  • Which part of Italy has no Jehovah's Witnesses? Sicily. It's a really dangerous place for witnesses.

Jehovah Witness Jokes

Here is a list of funny jehovah witness jokes and even better jehovah witness puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • You Know It's Hot When ... Cows are giving evaporated milk ...
    Chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs ...
    Catfish are already fried when caught ...
    Jehovah Witnesses start telemarketing ...
  • Did you hear that Judas turned state's evidence against the lord? He had to go into the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.
  • What do a Jehovah's Witness and my boyfriend have in common? I never let them come inside, no matter how much they beg
  • Why don't Jehovah Witness' get killed during an earthquake... Because they are always in your doorway.
  • A Jehovah's Witness tried to tell me a knock-knock joke once... But I ignored him.
  • A very jolly father named his son Jehovah so as to laugh at his witness at a wedding
  • Why do Jehovah's Witnesses hate Halloween? They have to compete with other strangers going door-to-door.
  • A lawyer was asked if he likes to become a Jehovah's Witness.
    He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but replied that he would still be interested in taking the case.
  • Sicily isn't a safe place for Jehovah's Witnesses. I've heard that Sicilians really don't like witnesses.
  • What's a Jehovah's Witnesses' favourite part of middle earth? More door.
Witness joke, What's a Jehovah's Witnesses' favourite part of <a href="/middle-earth-jokes.html" title="Middle Ear

Jehova Witness Jokes

Here is a list of funny jehova witness jokes and even better jehova witness puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A Jehovas Witness knocked on my door the other day... I said "Come in. Sit down. What would you like to talk about?"
    He said "I don't know. I've never gotten this far before."
  • Do you know why jehovas witnesses buildings don't have windows? Its so God can't see what they're doing in there.
  • Of all the holidays that jehova witnesses should celebrate... ... You'd think halloween would be it. Knocking on strangers doors, how could they pass that up?!
  • Do you know why there are not windows in Jehovas Witnesses' buildings? It's so God can't see what they're doing in there.
  • If you get an e-mail that says knock knock don't open it! It's jehova's witness working from home
  • What's a Jehova's Witness' favourite kind of joke? Knock knock jokes.
  • What is the maximum of loneliness? When even Jehova's Witnesses won't come and talk to you
  • Knock Knock Who's there? Jehovas Witnesses
  • What happens when an atheist and a Jehova's witness have a son? He knocks door to door for no reason at all.
  • It's so rough where I live ... We don't have Jehova's witnesses, we have Jehova's bystanders (who are like "We didn't see nothing")

Witness Protection Jokes

Here is a list of funny witness protection jokes and even better witness protection puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • If the Simpsons entered a witness protection program, what would Homer's alias be? John D'oh!
  • Shoutout to the ex-mobster who, through witness protection, was relocated in a house under the sea. Rest easy, you're sleeping with the fishes now.
  • What was Poppin Fresh's new name after he was put into the witness protection program? John Dough
  • I had to have my name changed now that I'm in the witness protection program... I'm Joe King
  • "New year, new me!" Said the guy entering witness protection today.
  • Remember sharin' is carin' But don't tell anybody because she's in witness protection.
  • How are getting married and going into witness protection similar? With both you get a new name and a dress
  • First rule of witnesses protection program Don't talk about witnesses protection program
  • Yo' Mama is so fat, her shadow is used for the witness protection program.
  • Where did the fish go after witnessing a m**...? The wetness protection program.

Witness Protection Program Jokes

Here is a list of funny witness protection program jokes and even better witness protection program puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I had to testify against a religious m**... I can't talk much about it, but I'm now in the Jehova witness protection program
Witness joke, I had to testify against a religious m**...

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about witness can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of witness puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Hilarious Witness Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about witness you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean reporter jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make witness prank.

What do you get when you mix a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist?

Someone who shows up to your door for no reason.

A Jehovah's Witness Came By Yesterday

A Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, "Yeah, okay."
I said I've put on a p**... of coffee, do you want some? He said, "Yeah, sure."
I said I've just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, "Yeah, why not."
I then motioned toward the kitchen table and we both sat down. We sat and looked at each other awkwardly for a moment. Then I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know I've never got this far before..."

I witnessed a huge accident on the highway today involving a semi truck packed full of toupees that overturned.

police are still there combing the scene.

Jehova

This morning someone was ringing the doorbell, so I opened the door and there was a young man standing there. "Hello sir" he said, "I'm a Jehova's Witness". I invited him in, offered him something to drink and we sat down in the living room. "So, what would you like to talk about?" I asked. He looked up from his cup of tea and said "To be honest sir, I havn't got the faintest idea, I never made it this far..."

Why do Jehovah's Witnesses use Macs?

They prefer to not have windows.
[For those that don't get it, their churches, called "Kingdom Halls", frequently are built without windows. The official reason given is to avoid vandalism but the real reason is usually secrecy. Generally if the group builds a church it won't have windows. Source: my ex-wife was a former member]

A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door.

Jew: "Can I help you?"
Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"
Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."
Witness: "No way?!"
Jew: "Yahweh."

Two medical students are about to witness an autopsy for the first time...

One asks the other, "What do you think it'll be like?"
The other student shrugs and says, "Remains to be seen".

Witnessed a woman get her n**... pierced at the pub last night.

I'm not allowed to play darts there anymore.

I witnessed a m**... today...

Though it may have just been a flock of jackdaws, I'm not a biologist.

If you ever happen to witness the second coming of Christ...

Tell him that he still has to clean up the first one

Was walking by a mental hospital when.....

I was walking down the street in front of a mental hospital when I heard a large group of people chanting 6, 6, 6, 6. My curiosity got the better of me thinking I was about to witness some sort of satanic ritual, so I peered through a small hole in the fence at which point a finger immediately poked me in the eye. After a short round of celebration and applause from inside, I then heard the people start chanting 7, 7, 7, 7.

I witnessed an attempted m**... earlier...

Luckily only one crow showed up...

An armed criminal disrupted the origami convention...

... an eye witness claims he saw the whole thing unfold.

An Atheist, a Vegan, and a Jehovah's Witness walk into a bar..

I know because they told everyone in less than a minute.

What do you call a chinese Jehovah's witness?

Ding d**...

Just witnessed the shortest ever dispute in court about a guy who supposedly stole a woman's bag.

It was a briefcase.

What does a tweaker and a Jehovah's Witness have in common?

Both ride bicycles and are on a mission.

A lawyer sneered at a witness on the stand...

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background."
The witness replied, "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

I witnessed a m**... in the park last night and called 911

They told me to stop calling and leave the crows alone.

What do you call a witness to an event in the Middle East?

A Dubaistander.
Yeah I thought of it myself.

Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on someone's door

The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" The Jehovah's Witnesses look at each other and says to the houseowner, "We don't know what to say, we've never made it this far."

What do jehovah's witnesses believe in?

That I will open the door

Two turtles had a collision at an intersection. .

The only witness was a snail. When interviewed by police the snail explained he didnt see anything as it all happened so fast.

Jehova's Witnesses: [Knock Knock]

Resident: Who's There?
JW: We're Jehova's Witnesses.
R: That's not funny. What's the punchline?
JW: Um. We're here to tell you to accept our Lord and Savior into your heart.
R: There it is.

Witnessed the birth of my cousin's first child...

She said we should've used a c**...

I may have witnessed the exact moment my high school became racist.

It's when they changed all the blackboards into whiteboards. There's no way they could just chalk it up.

After being hit by an airstrike from the Turkish air force, a Syrian leader was quoted as saying...

"As God is my witness, I thought the Turkish couldn't fly..."

During a bank robbery

The robber asks the first person in line if they just saw how he robbed the bank.
"Well, obviously I did, I mean it's not that I'm blind or anything" the man says and BOOM the robber shoots him dead.
"And you, did you just witness this robbery?" he asks another man in the line.
"No, I didn't, but my wife here did!"

Jehovah's witnesses are always b**... on my door everyday

Joke's on them, I'm never letting them out of my basement.

Lawyer: "Are you married?" Witness: "No, I'm divorced."

Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

Just witnessed this classic on the bus

Passenger: Which bus are you?
Driver: I'm not a bus, I'm the driver.

Just witnessed an attempted m**......

Luckily, one of the crows flew off.

I just witnessed a m**......

They just flew over my house

LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man.

WITNESS: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.

Lawyer : She had 3 children, yes?

Witness : Yes
Lawyer : How many were boys?
Witness : None
Lawyer : Were there girls?
*This was a real conversation in court*

I almost witnessed a m**...

Luckily, only one crow showed up.

What's the difference between a Skoda and a Jehovah's Witness?

You can close the door on a Jehovah's Witness.

I saw justice in action today for the first time ever.

I went out for breakfast this morning with my girlfriend, saw a Jehovah's Witness lock himself out of his own house. Kept ringing the bell.

I witnessed a kidnapping today, could have intervened... but I didn't.

I'm sure his mother would have slapped me for waking him.

Jehovah's Witnesses

Jehovahs Witnesses: Do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: Of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks, lights dim, PowerPoint presentation begins]]
Me: But first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

Police say their investigation into the shooting at the YouTube headquarters has been hampered...

...by having to sit through a 5 second advert before interviewing each witness...

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah witness and a m**...?

I have no idea but I can't get him off my porch

Fighting Against Real Truths

I thought I knew what you really were
I thought you could ease my pain
Put an end to all this aching
And make me laugh again
I've known your kind before
I thought you weren't the same
Just trying to get in my pants
And fill my head with shame
I've held onto you for too long
So now I'll let you free
Nobody to witness
It's only you and me
Sure doesn't come out easy
But it's coming from the heart
Luckily no one can see
That it wasn't just a f**...

I witnessed a crime in a parking garage

It was wrong on so many levels!

The judge asked the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"

"I do."
"And do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure. My side will win."

I witnessed a m**... yesterday

Those dam crows just wouldnt leave my garden

A cannibal is on trial for m**... and cannibalism...

He's called up to the witness stand and the prosecutor asks him if he pleads guilty or innocent.
"Innocent!" he says.
The prosecutor asks him to prove it.
The cannibal answers, "Well, you are what you eat, right? So I am an innocent man!"

sometimes i feel like the smartest person in the room

but usually there aren't people around to witness it

I just witnessed record breaking sprinter collapse out of breath...

He was inspiring

I've just joined the Jehovah's Observers.

It's like being a Jehovah's Witness but we don't like to get involved.

An office hired a m**... and a Jehovah's Witness.

Soon after, there was an open door policy.

They found a guy in hobby lobby dipping his t**... in the glitter bins

One eye witness was quoted as saying "It was pretty nuts!"

My friend, Ath, had his mom kidnapped.

The man, while running away was seen coughing severely.
A Witness at the scene said: he's got Ath's ma!

A jehovah's witness knocks on a door

An old jew opens it. The jehovah's witness asks excuse me, sir, but have you had a chance to read the bible?
Oh, my dear, replies the jew, we wrote it.

I witnessed a great treachery yesterday.

It must have been at least 20 ravens.

I witnessed a motorcyclist hit a tree today.

The driver walked away without injury though.
I guess the tree was all bark and no bite.

Bear witness

Like Smokey watching a forest fire.

We are only a few weeks into self-isolation and it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.It breaks my heart to see her like this. I have thought very hard about how I can cheer her up.

I have even considered letting her in - but rules are rules.

How many jehovah's witnesses do you need to change a lightbulb?

Idon´t know... haven´t let them in neither.

I just witnessed my friend fall on the staircase, he was badly hurt so i came running and asked:

Are the stairs ok?

Why did the Astronomer bring a slab of ribs into the bathroom?

He wanted to witness a meatier shower.

A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a m**... trial.

The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him:
"Is it true you were working at night?  How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?"
The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."

Today I saw a man use a knot that had the statement "Love both men and women"

I didn't think I would witness an actual s**... bi-words

The lawyer and the witness

The lawyer paced before the witness in the stand.
Would you tell the court at what time the m**... occurred?
The witness tapped her chin, I think -
We aren't interested in what you think, said the attorney. We only want the *facts*.
The witness frowned. I'll give them to you but I can't talk without thinking. I'm not a lawyer, you know!

What is the first thing you take care of when you c**... into somebody else's car?

The witness.

Witness joke, What is the first thing you take care of when you c**... into somebody else's car?

jokes about witness

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these witness jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.