The Best 62 Witness Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Witness jokes. There are some witness jehovas jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these witness jehovahs witness puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Witness Jokes and Puns
Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
A Jehovah's Witness Came By Yesterday
A Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, "Yeah, okay."
I said I've put on a pot of coffee, do you want some? He said, "Yeah, sure."
I said I've just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, "Yeah, why not."
I then motioned toward the kitchen table and we both sat down. We sat and looked at each other awkwardly for a moment. Then I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know I've never got this far before..."
I witnessed a huge accident on the highway today involving a semi truck packed full of toupees that overturned.
police are still there combing the scene.
Did anyone else witness that jet crashing into the ocean?
It was plane to sea.
Jehova
This morning someone was ringing the doorbell, so I opened the door and there was a young man standing there. "Hello sir" he said, "I'm a Jehova's Witness". I invited him in, offered him something to drink and we sat down in the living room. "So, what would you like to talk about?" I asked. He looked up from his cup of tea and said "To be honest sir, I havn't got the faintest idea, I never made it this far..."
Jehovah's Witness
I was just wondering………..if a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven and knocks on heaven's door….. does Saint Peter answer the door or does he hide like the rest of us???
Why do Jehovah's Witnesses use Macs?
They prefer to not have windows.
[For those that don't get it, their churches, called "Kingdom Halls", frequently are built without windows. The official reason given is to avoid vandalism but the real reason is usually secrecy. Generally if the group builds a church it won't have windows. Source: my ex-wife was a former member]
A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door.
Jew: "Can I help you?"
Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"
Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."
Witness: "No way?!"
Jew: "Yahweh."
Witnessed a woman get her nipple pierced at the pub last night.
I'm not allowed to play darts there anymore.
I witnessed a murder today...
Though it may have just been a flock of jackdaws, I'm not a biologist.
You can explore witness truthful reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean witness jehovah witness dad jokes. There are also witness puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Was walking by a mental hospital when.....
I was walking down the street in front of a mental hospital when I heard a large group of people chanting 6, 6, 6, 6. My curiosity got the better of me thinking I was about to witness some sort of satanic ritual, so I peered through a small hole in the fence at which point a finger immediately poked me in the eye. After a short round of celebration and applause from inside, I then heard the people start chanting 7, 7, 7, 7.
You know, not all Italians are in the mafia.
Some are in the Witness Protection Program.
I let a Jehova's Witness inside the other day and asked him, "what now?"...
He replied, "I'm not sure, I've never gotten this far before"
I witnessed an attempted murder earlier...
Luckily only one crow showed up...
What do you call a chinese Jehovah's witness?
Ding Dong
Just witnessed the shortest ever dispute in court about a guy who supposedly stole a woman's bag.
It was a briefcase.
Why are there no jehovah's witnesses in Italy?
The mafia doesn't like witnesses.
Just had a Jehovah's Witness come to the door and ask if I had found Jesus yet.
I said no, isn't he under the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program?
A lawyer sneered at a witness on the stand...
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background."
The witness replied, "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on someone's door
The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" The Jehovah's Witnesses look at each other and says to the houseowner, "We don't know what to say, we've never made it this far."
Two turtles had a collision at an intersection. .
The only witness was a snail. When interviewed by police the snail explained he didnt see anything as it all happened so fast.
I may have witnessed the exact moment my high school became racist.
It's when they changed all the blackboards into whiteboards. There's no way they could just chalk it up.
After being hit by an airstrike from the Turkish air force, a Syrian leader was quoted as saying...
"As God is my witness, I thought the Turkish couldn't fly..."
During a bank robbery
The robber asks the first person in line if they just saw how he robbed the bank.
"Well, obviously I did, I mean it's not that I'm blind or anything" the man says and BOOM the robber shoots him dead.
"And you, did you just witness this robbery?" he asks another man in the line.
"No, I didn't, but my wife here did!"
Jehovah's witnesses are always banging on my door everyday
Joke's on them, I'm never letting them out of my basement.
Just witnessed this classic on the bus
Passenger: Which bus are you?
Driver: I'm not a bus, I'm the driver.
LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man.
WITNESS: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.
Lawyer : She had 3 children, yes?
Witness : Yes
Lawyer : How many were boys?
Witness : None
Lawyer : Were there girls?
*This was a real conversation in court*
I witnessed a Mexican Standoff the other day.
It was Juan v Juan.
I almost witnessed a murder
Luckily, only one crow showed up.
I witnessed the break up of an obese couple
I guess they didn't work out.
I witnessed a kidnapping today, could have intervened... but I didn't.
I'm sure his mother would have slapped me for waking him.
My drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness as a disguise...
He eventually got arrested after the police saw that people actually let him in
Police say their investigation into the shooting at the YouTube headquarters has been hampered...
...by having to sit through a 5 second advert before interviewing each witness...
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah witness and a Mormon?
I have no idea but I can't get him off my porch
I witnessed my shoelaces fight today...
It was a tie...
A cannibal is on trial for murder and cannibalism...
He's called up to the witness stand and the prosecutor asks him if he pleads guilty or innocent.
"Innocent!" he says.
The prosecutor asks him to prove it.
The cannibal answers, "Well, you are what you eat, right? So I am an innocent man!"
sometimes i feel like the smartest person in the room
but usually there aren't people around to witness it
What is the difference between intentionally and by mistake?
The presence of a witness.
I witnessed a motorcyclist hit a tree today.
The driver walked away without injury though.
I guess the tree was all bark and no bite.
A Jehovas Witness knocked on my door the other day...
I said "Come in. Sit down. What would you like to talk about?"
He said "I don't know. I've never gotten this far before."
A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial.
The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him:
"Is it true you were working at night? How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?"
The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."
Ever wonder how a Jehovah's Witness spreads their word during Covid?
Now that you're here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
A lady of the house lost three pairs of expensive panties and blamed the maid, in front of her husband.
The maid looked at the husband and said "Sir, you're my witness. You know I never wear panties."
I witnessed a kidnapping today.
I let him sleep.
As a former high schooler I'm glad online classes are becoming the norm. I remember having to witness teachers having sex with kids, meth being done in the bathrooms, and living with the fear of school shootings.
Being home schooled in Mississippi was rough.
A Frenchman is arrested for murder
He is convicted by an eye-witness acount. He then breaks out of jail and stabs his witness with a baguette. The witness' son sees this and stabs the killer with another baguette.
Vengeance baguettes more vengeance.
A Jehovah's Witness knocked at my door this morning.
Could you spare a few moments to talk about the Judgement Day? he asked.
Well, I replied, I'm not a big fan of the Terminator series. I Said
The Jehovah's Witness don't seem to get the hint with my Koran, so...
Islam the door in their face
Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of
The Quaranteens.
A Jehovah witness was going from house to house looking to talk to people
He approached a house and saw a man. "Good day" he said "do you have time to discuss, I'm Jehovah witness?"
"Sure" said the man. He let him in the house and they just kept staring at each other until the man asked "so what do you want to talk about?"
Then confused Jehovah witness just said " I don't know, no one has let me in before"
Two priests and a rabbi are playing poker in a basement
The cops bust in and seeing they are all men of God decide to give them the chance to explain. They turn to the first priest:
Father, were you gambling?
As God is my witness, the priest replies, I was not .
They let the first priest go. They turn to the second priest:
Father, were you gambling?
As Jesus is my witness, the priest replies, I was not .
The let the second priest go. They finally turn to the rabbi:
Rabbi, were you gambling?
The rabbi looks around and says, With whom?
Did you hear that Judas turned state's evidence against the lord?
He had to go into the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.
You know the only good thing about quarantine?
I haven't seen a jehovah's witness in awhile.
What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's Witness?
Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
Today, a psychic told me I'd witness an unbelievable pain in 12 years.
To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!
There was a fire at my local model village today
Eye witness reports claim that flames could be seen from up to 3 feet away
What do a Jehovah's Witness and my boyfriend have in common?
I never let them come inside, no matter how much they beg
8:45 PM, Arrive at the crime scene
- 8:45 PM, Assess victim. Cause of death: strangulation, victim's phone and wallet are missing
- 8:45 PM, Gather evidence. No visible fingerprints, rope used to strangle the victim was found in a nearby trashcan
- 8:45 PM, Question witnesses. One witness states the murderer was driving away in a blue Ford Mondeo
- 8:45 PM, Realise watch is broken. Amazon estimates a 2-3 day wait for a new watch
Little Johnny is at the zoo with his mom when they end up at the primate exhibit and witness two monkeys having sex
Johnny asks, "Mommy, what are those monkeys doing?"
His mom awkwardly responds "They're making a new baby monkey." and quickly rushes him off to another exhibit.
That night after they come home from the zoo, he hears noises from his parents room and opens the door to find them having sex. He starts cheering unexpectedly. His parents, bewildered, ask him what he's celebrating about. Little Johnny says, "We're getting a baby monkey!"
I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.
Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the witness suspect jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working witness jehova witness piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.