Witness Jokes
161 witness jokes and hilarious witness puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about witness that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Find out why the courtroom is the ideal place to tell a joke! Whether you're in witness protection, a Jehovah Witness, or the attorney, these witness jokes are sure to make you chuckle. See for yourself why everyone in the courtroom is cracking up, and learn the truth about being a witness.
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Funniest Witness Short Jokes
Short witness jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The witness humour may include short testimony jokes also.
- Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.
- Ever wonder how a Jehovah's Witness spreads their word during Covid? Now that you're here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
- What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's Witness? Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
- How do you stop Jehovah Witnesses from coming to your door? Going into jehovah witness Protection.
- My nephew is in the 'why' phase of his life as a 6 year old... and I told him 'Because it feels nice and you're an unreliable witness!'
- I let a Jehova's Witness inside the other day and asked him, "what now?"... He replied, "I'm not sure, I've never gotten this far before"
- LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man. WITNESS: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.
- sometimes i feel like the smartest person in the room but usually there aren't people around to witness it
- Just had a Jehovah's Witness come to the door and ask if I had found Jesus yet. I said no, isn't he under the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program?
- My drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness as a disguise... He eventually got arrested after the police saw that people actually let him in
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Witness One Liners
Which witness one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with witness? I can suggest the ones about testament and evidence.
- Why don't Italians like Jehovah's witnesses? Italians don't like ANY witnesses.
- I witnessed the break up of an obese couple I guess they didn't work out.
- Why are there no jehovah's witnesses in Italy? The mafia doesn't like witnesses.
- Why did the hitman have such a hard time getting married? No witnesses.
- What is the Jenovah Witnesses' favourite band? The doors.
- You know, not all Italians are in the mafia. Some are in the Witness Protection Program.
- I witnessed my shoelaces fight today... It was a tie...
- What is the difference between intentionally and by mistake? The presence of a witness.
- I witnessed a Mexican Standoff the other day. It was Juan v Juan.
- Did anyone else witness that jet crashing into the ocean? It was plane to sea.
- Is it mean to tell a knock knock joke to a Jehovah's Witness?
- What's a Jahovah's witness' favorite treat? Ding Dongs
- I witnessed a crime in a parking garage It was wrong on so many levels!
- A Jehovah's Witness tried to tell me a knock-knock joke once... But I ignored him.
- A very jolly father named his son Jehovah so as to laugh at his witness at a wedding
Jehovah Witness Jokes
Here is a list of funny jehovah witness jokes and even better jehovah witness puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Jehovah's Witness
I was just wondering………..if a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven and knocks on heaven's door….. does Saint Peter answer the door or does he hide like the rest of us???
- You know the only good thing about quarantine? I haven't seen a jehovah's witness in awhile.
- A Jehovah's Witness knocked at my door this morning. Could you spare a few moments to talk about the Judgement Day? he asked.
Well, I replied, I'm not a big fan of the Terminator series. I Said - Knock, Knock. Warning. Warning.
If you receive a knock knock email. Do not open it.
It will be Jehovah Witnesses working from home. - I'm in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program. I have to go door-to-door and tell people I'm somebody else.
- I once knew a Jehovah's Witness who became a stand-up comedian. But all he knew was knock knock jokes.
- You Know It's Hot When ... Cows are giving evaporated milk ...
Chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs ...
Catfish are already fried when caught ...
Jehovah Witnesses start telemarketing ... - Did you hear that Judas turned state's evidence against the lord? He had to go into the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.
- What do a Jehovah's Witness and my boyfriend have in common? I never let them come inside, no matter how much they beg
- A lawyer was asked if he likes to become a Jehovah's Witness.
He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but replied that he would still be interested in taking the case.
Jehova Witness Jokes
Here is a list of funny jehova witness jokes and even better jehova witness puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Do you know why jehovas witnesses buildings don't have windows? Its so God can't see what they're doing in there.
- Of all the holidays that jehova witnesses should celebrate... ... You'd think halloween would be it. Knocking on strangers doors, how could they pass that up?!
- What's a Jehova's Witness' favourite kind of joke? Knock knock jokes.
- What is the maximum of loneliness? When even Jehova's Witnesses won't come and talk to you
- Knock Knock Who's there? Jehovas Witnesses
- What happens when an atheist and a Jehova's witness have a son? He knocks door to door for no reason at all.
- It's so rough where I live ... We don't have Jehova's witnesses, we have Jehova's bystanders (who are like "We didn't see nothing")
- We used to live between two Jehova's Witnesses Some might say we were a JeHovis sandwich.
- Reverse Social Engineering Pro Tip Use Halloween to visit a random Jehova's Witness at home.
- What is a Jehova's Witness' favourite song? Knockin' in the Free World
Witness Protection Jokes
Here is a list of funny witness protection jokes and even better witness protection puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If the Simpsons entered a witness protection program, what would Homer's alias be? John D'oh!
- Shoutout to the ex-mobster who, through witness protection, was relocated in a house under the sea. Rest easy, you're sleeping with the fishes now.
- What was Poppin Fresh's new name after he was put into the witness protection program? John Dough
- I had to have my name changed now that I'm in the witness protection program... I'm Joe King
- "New year, new me!" Said the guy entering witness protection today.
- Remember sharin' is carin' But don't tell anybody because she's in witness protection.
- How are getting married and going into witness protection similar? With both you get a new name and a dress
- First rule of witnesses protection program Don't talk about witnesses protection program
Hilarious Witness Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about witness you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean reporter jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make witness pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jehovah's Witness Came By Yesterday
A Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, "Yeah, okay."
I said I've put on a p**... of coffee, do you want some? He said, "Yeah, sure."
I said I've just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, "Yeah, why not."
I then motioned toward the kitchen table and we both sat down. We sat and looked at each other awkwardly for a moment. Then I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know I've never got this far before..."
I witnessed a huge accident on the highway today involving a semi truck packed full of toupees that overturned.
police are still there combing the scene.
Jehova
This morning someone was ringing the doorbell, so I opened the door and there was a young man standing there. "Hello sir" he said, "I'm a Jehova's Witness". I invited him in, offered him something to drink and we sat down in the living room. "So, what would you like to talk about?" I asked. He looked up from his cup of tea and said "To be honest sir, I havn't got the faintest idea, I never made it this far..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Black man walks up to an Indian man...
After a moment, the Black man punches the Indian man in the face and walks away. A witness runs over to the man to see if he was ok, and asks what happened. In a thick heavy accent, he said, "He ask for Main St., I say, you a block pastit!"
Why do Jehovah's Witnesses use Macs?
They prefer to not have windows.
[For those that don't get it, their churches, called "Kingdom Halls", frequently are built without windows. The official reason given is to avoid vandalism but the real reason is usually secrecy. Generally if the group builds a church it won't have windows. Source: my ex-wife was a former member]
A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door.
Jew: "Can I help you?"
Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"
Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."
Witness: "No way?!"
Jew: "Yahweh."
Two medical students are about to witness an autopsy for the first time...
One asks the other, "What do you think it'll be like?"
The other student shrugs and says, "Remains to be seen".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Witnessed a woman get her n**... pierced at the pub last night.
I'm not allowed to play darts there anymore.
What do you call a Christian who comes to your door to sell you vacuum cleaners?
A Jehoover's Witness
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I witnessed a m**... today...
Though it may have just been a flock of jackdaws, I'm not a biologist.
If you ever happen to witness the second coming of Christ...
Tell him that he still has to clean up the first one
Guy comes to my door and asks if I want to be a Jehovah's Witness
I said, "Hey man I didn't even see the accident"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I witnessed an attempted m**... earlier...
Luckily only one crow showed up...
I opened a window to let a fly out...
and three more flew in, along with five mosquitoes, three ladybugs, a bird, and a Jehovah's Witness.
An armed criminal disrupted the origami convention...
... an eye witness claims he saw the whole thing unfold.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Atheist, a Vegan, and a Jehovah's Witness walk into a bar..
I know because they told everyone in less than a minute.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a chinese Jehovah's witness?
Ding d**...
Just witnessed the shortest ever dispute in court about a guy who supposedly stole a woman's bag.
It was a briefcase.
What does a War Boy from Mad Max say when he goes to court to sign an affidavit?
"WITNESS ME!"
What does a tweaker and a Jehovah's Witness have in common?
Both ride bicycles and are on a mission.
A lawyer sneered at a witness on the stand...
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background."
The witness replied, "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
What do you call a witness to an event in the Middle East?
A Dubaistander.
Yeah I thought of it myself.
Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on someone's door
The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" The Jehovah's Witnesses look at each other and says to the houseowner, "We don't know what to say, we've never made it this far."
What happens when you witness a shipwreck?
You let it sink in.
What do jehovah's witnesses believe in?
That I will open the door
Two turtles had a collision at an intersection. .
The only witness was a snail. When interviewed by police the snail explained he didnt see anything as it all happened so fast.
Jehova's Witnesses: [Knock Knock]
Resident: Who's There?
JW: We're Jehova's Witnesses.
R: That's not funny. What's the punchline?
JW: Um. We're here to tell you to accept our Lord and Savior into your heart.
R: There it is.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Witnessed the birth of my cousin's first child...
She said we should've used a c**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I may have witnessed the exact moment my high school became racist.
It's when they changed all the blackboards into whiteboards. There's no way they could just chalk it up.
After being hit by an airstrike from the Turkish air force, a Syrian leader was quoted as saying...
"As God is my witness, I thought the Turkish couldn't fly..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jehovah's Witness came to my door today.
That prosecutor is insane when it comes to getting that guilty verdict.
If a religious person testifies in court...
...does that mean they're a Jehovah Witness?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jehovah's witnesses are always b**... on my door everyday
Joke's on them, I'm never letting them out of my basement.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 lawyers, a judge, and a witness all walked into a bar
What idiot designed it into the center of the courthouse floor anyway?
Lawyer: "Are you married?" Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."
Just witnessed this classic on the bus
Passenger: Which bus are you?
Driver: I'm not a bus, I'm the driver.
The difference between watching a three ring circus, and going to New York to watch a performance by the Rockettes.
Well, when you watch a three ring circus, you witness a cunning array of stunts...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just witnessed a m**......
They just flew over my house
Lawyer : She had 3 children, yes?
Witness : Yes
Lawyer : How many were boys?
Witness : None
Lawyer : Were there girls?
*This was a real conversation in court*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a Skoda and a Jehovah's Witness?
You can close the door on a Jehovah's Witness.
I saw justice in action today for the first time ever.
I went out for breakfast this morning with my girlfriend, saw a Jehovah's Witness lock himself out of his own house. Kept ringing the bell.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do Jehovah's Witnesses hate Halloween?
They have to compete with other strangers going door-to-door.
I witnessed a kidnapping today, could have intervened... but I didn't.
I'm sure his mother would have slapped me for waking him.
Jehovah's Witnesses
Jehovahs Witnesses: Do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: Of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks, lights dim, PowerPoint presentation begins]]
Me: But first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Police say their investigation into the shooting at the YouTube headquarters has been hampered...
...by having to sit through a 5 second advert before interviewing each witness...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah witness and a m**...?
I have no idea but I can't get him off my porch
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fighting Against Real Truths
I thought I knew what you really were
I thought you could ease my pain
Put an end to all this aching
And make me laugh again
I've known your kind before
I thought you weren't the same
Just trying to get in my pants
And fill my head with shame
I've held onto you for too long
So now I'll let you free
Nobody to witness
It's only you and me
Sure doesn't come out easy
But it's coming from the heart
Luckily no one can see
That it wasn't just a f**...
The judge asked the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"
"I do."
"And do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure. My side will win."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I witnessed a m**... yesterday
Those dam crows just wouldnt leave my garden
I just witnessed record breaking sprinter collapse out of breath...
He was inspiring
I've just joined the Jehovah's Observers.
It's like being a Jehovah's Witness but we don't like to get involved.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An office hired a m**... and a Jehovah's Witness.
Soon after, there was an open door policy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They found a guy in hobby lobby dipping his t**... in the glitter bins
One eye witness was quoted as saying "It was pretty nuts!"
My friend, Ath, had his mom kidnapped.
The man, while running away was seen coughing severely.
A Witness at the scene said: he's got Ath's ma!
A jehovah's witness knocks on a door
An old jew opens it. The jehovah's witness asks excuse me, sir, but have you had a chance to read the bible?
Oh, my dear, replies the jew, we wrote it.
I witnessed a great treachery yesterday.
It must have been at least 20 ravens.
I witnessed a motorcyclist hit a tree today.
The driver walked away without injury though.
I guess the tree was all bark and no bite.
Bear witness
Like Smokey watching a forest fire.
We are only a few weeks into self-isolation and it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.It breaks my heart to see her like this. I have thought very hard about how I can cheer her up.
I have even considered letting her in - but rules are rules.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many jehovah's witnesses do you need to change a lightbulb?
Idon´t know... haven´t let them in neither.
I just witnessed my friend fall on the staircase, he was badly hurt so i came running and asked:
Are the stairs ok?
Why did the Astronomer bring a slab of ribs into the bathroom?
He wanted to witness a meatier shower.
