Witch Jokes

What are some Witch jokes?

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

Malnourished.

Dad: What's a lion and a witch doing in your wardrobe

Me: it's Narnia Business....

Why can't a dyslexic be a witch?

You need to be good at spelling.

Why don't witches wear underwear?

... to get a better grip

Hermione's son: Mum, you're a witch!

Hermione: Emma Watson?

Why don't witches wear panties?

Better grip

Why could the witch never get the enchantments right?

She forgot to use Spell Check.

Why do witches not wear panties?

You get better grip on the brooms.

I searched in Google "How do I know if my wife is a witch".

You could've just asked me! - she yelled from the kitchen.

Why don't witches wear undies?

To get a better grip on their broomsticks

What do witches use most on their phone?

Spell check

Why do witches wear name tags?

To know which witch is which.

What do you call an angry witch?

Ribbit.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are captured by a witch

The witch tells them, "If you say something about yourself that is true, I will let you go, if not, you will vanish into thin air"

The brunette says, "I think I'm the prettiest"
*Poof!* the brunette disappears.


The redhead says, "I think I'm the smartest"
*Poof!* the redhead disappears.

The blonde says, "I think..." *Poof!*

A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe enter a bar; the bartender eyes them quizzically and asks, "what're you up to with all that?"

The lion responds gruffly, "Narnia business!"




... I'm sorry.

A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe walk into a bar

The bartender asks what they're having.

The witch replies "Narnia business."

The cursed Prince. This summer's best love story.

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch.

The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year.

However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words (this was before the time of letter writing or sign language).

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love.
With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say, "my darling,"

But, at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But, at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So, he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds.

Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily,


"My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"


And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said,


"Pardon?"

"I'd like a spell to make me famous," he said.

"OK," said the witch.

He burned for a week before he died. It was the talk of the kingdom.

Why did the witch have so many hickies?

She was dating a necromancer.

Why do witches go commando when riding around on their brooms?

Better grip.


Happy Halloween :)

A homless lady pushing a cart at 2 am told my friends and i this. "What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire"

See you the same time next month.

And then she cackled like a witch who'd been smoking for 40 years most of her teeth missing, it was horrifying and hilarious at the same time.

A man was driving across country, when suddenly he saw a hitchhiker.

He picked her up and while they were driving the two of them got talking.
"What do you do?", asked the man.
"I'm a witch", said the hitchhiker.
"One of those, spells, potions and turn people into frogs kind of witches?"
"That's the one".
"Oh yeah? Can you show me?"
She started stroking his inner thigh.
Just like that, the man turned into a hotel.

Did you know that witches don't wear panties?

It's so they can get a better grip on the broomstick.

a farmer interviewed about his two white and black cows

reporter: what do you feed the cows?

farmer: the white or the black one ?

- the white one.

- hay.

-and the black one?

-also hay.

- where do they sleep?

-the white or the black one?

- .....the white one!

- in the barn

-and the black one ???

- also in the barn.

-!!!?? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ASK WITCH ONE IM REFERRING TO IF THE ANSWER IS THE SAME FOR BOTH OF THEM??

-oh please forgive me but the WHITE one is mine.

-and the black one??

-also mine.

What do you call a witch who uses illegal spells?

A hex offender.

Why don't witches ever wear underwear?

Gives 'em a better grip on their brooms...

The Lion, the Witch and a fabulous fashion sense

What did the Lion say to the Witch when she caught him coming out of the wardrobe?

"My sexual preference is Narnia business."

A witch was going to take a friend's broom for a ride

But she couldn't drive a stick

What does a witch say to fly faster?

Broom, broom!

You thought Dad jokes were a thing? How about this Grandma joke:

I woke up this morning to find a lion AND a witch in my wardrobe. When I asked them what they were doing, they shouted, "Narnia business!"

My life is like a fairytale

Everyday, when I come home, there's a witch waiting for me.

Why don't witches have babies?

Because their men have hollow-weenies!

Why don't witches wear panties?

Because they need to grip the broom.

One evening, a man on his way home encounters an old hag saying

she's a beautiful princess of a certain kingdom before, because of her unparalled beauty an envied witch cursed her making her looks like a hundred year old hag and to lift the curse someone must satisfy her sexual desires.
The man being heroic help her to lift the said curse
so he satisfy her sexual desires the whole night.
A morning came and man noticed that old hag still looks like a hundred year old hag,

he blurted "why are you still looked like that? You should've turned to princess right now",

and the old hag replied "How old are you young man?"

"30"

"You're that old and you still believe in fairy tales??"

What do you call a witch in the middle east?

A sandwitch.

Why didn't the witch wear panties....

So she could grip the broom better.

I met a passive aggressive witch.

She didn't curse me she just blessed everyone around me.

Why don't witches wear a flat cap?

There's no point to it

Did you hear about the witch that died while melting down armor?

Her last words were: "I'm smeltinggg"

What's similar between Scarlet Witch and Daredevil? [spoilers]

The both lost their vision

So I heard some rumbling in my wardrobe...

...and so I approached the door with some nerve-wracking caution. To my surprise I saw both a lion and a witch in there, looking startled but out of breath.

I asked the witch, "What are you doing in my wardrobe?"

She replied, "Narnia business."

Why don't witches wear panties?

Because their broom sticks better.

Oooooo Eeeeee Oooooo Ahhh Ahhh Ting Tang...

I was shocked when my adopted daughter told me she was going to marry a Witch Doctor.

Why do you want to do that? I asked.

Pwobabwy for financial secuwity, she replied.

Why did the witch doctor cross the road?

He's got friends on the other side.

Did you hear about the witch who couldn't have children?

her husband had a Holloweenie.

People say the #MeToo movement is starting to resemble a witch hunt, but I don't think that's fair...

For one thing, in a real witch hunt, the accused gets a trial first.

How do you make a witch scratch?

Remove the w

Shot the dog

A mother has three children, two girls and a boy. The boy has a BB gun and when he shot and broke a window the mother took the BB's and put them over the fridge. The children's hard of seeing grandmother lived with them and when she was cooking one day she accidentally baked the BB's into a cake, witch the children ate. Later one of the girls ran up to her mother crying and said "MOM MOM! I peed out a BB!" Then the other girl also came running up crying "MOM MOM! I peed out a BB!" The boy then came running up saying "MOM MOM!" The mother interrupted saying "Let me guess, you peed out a BB?" "NO!" He said "I was out behind the shed jerking off and I shot the dog."

A man meets a witch.

A man goes to a witch and asks her to be liberated from an old spell.

>I can help you, I do however, need to know the exact same words of said spell

I remember, it was: *I now pronounce you, husband and wife.*

Once there was a prince who, through no fault of his own was placed under a curse by a witch.

The curse dictated that he was only allowed to speak one word a year. However, he could build up credits if he had not spoken for a year.

One day, a beautiful princess came to his kingdom, and he decided to refrain from speaking for two years so that he could say "My darling."

However, two years had passed and he realized he was in love with her. Thus, he decided to refrain from speaking for three years so he could say "I love you."

Then, after three years he realized that he wanted to marry her. So he did not speak for four years so he could say "Will you marry me?"

Finally, after nine years had passed, the prince took the princess to the most romantic part of the royal garden, stood on one knee, and said, "My darling, I love you. Will you marry me?"

And the princess said, "Pardon?"

What did the Witch say when the Broom Salesman showed her a Vacuum?

I don't want an automatic

Why couldn't the witch get pregnant?

Because her husband had a hollow weenie

In exchange for eternal youth, Amanda promised a witch her firstborn child.

Amanda's a lesbian.

3 witch fugitives were cornered by police

The redhead yelled "AIR" and a gust of wind carried her to safety.

The brunette yelled "EARTH" and a tunnel to safety appeared underneath her.

The blonde yelled "FIRE" so the police did.

Where do witches and wizards shop?

Voldemart.

Why do witches avoid poker games?

Because they hate seeing the stakes being raised

Once upon a time...

...an evil witch put a curse on a prince, which only allowed him to say and/or write one word per year, and could only be broken through mairrage. Well, shortly after recieving the curse, the prince fell in love with the most beautiful of princesses in all of the land.

So the prince waited *thirteen long years,* saving his words up for one sentence that he said to the princess one fateful morning.

"Madam, I love you and have for many years. Will you marry me?" The prince said after carefully plotting out his words,

The princess turned around and said "Come again?"

Breaking News! Ursula the Sea Witch has taken over and destroyed the local shoe factory. There were no survivors.

Those poor unfortunate soles.

A dyslexic witch cursed me!

Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome

How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?

Her food is potion-controlled.

What does a witch use to see if her spells are going to work?

Spell check!

What do you call a witch who only eats sand?

Anything you like - she's dead.

How do witches fly in the rain?

With a mop.

The Book

A student is doing everything he can in order to put off studying for his test since studying is the last thing he wants to do. After a while he can't think of anything new to do, this is when he encounters a witch. The witch offers a magical book to him for 200$. The student having done everything else decides to buy the book. However the witch tells him that if he reads the last page he will die. The students starts reading the book. He gets bored and decides to read the last page as well. He finds the price label of the book...10$.

Who has been magically making Nintendo money?

Nintendo'S witch

How do you tell two witches apart?

You can't! You don't know which witch is which!

What do you call a witch in the desert?

A sandwitch

A three legged dog from the wild west walks into a bar and looks around

The bar tender looks a him and says "who are you looking for?"

to witch the dog replies "I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw"

Why do witches like candles so much?

Because they're wicked!

When Scarlett Witch was at the Avengers HQ...

you could say she needed...adult super Vision.

TIL Although Hansel and Gretel were able to evade being eaten, they developed 99 illnesses due to the fact that they lived in the candy house for over a month...

They got 99 problems but a witch ain't one.

Why do witches trust black cats?

Because their familiar

A lumberjack has sex with a witch, gets his soul trapped inside a jigsaw, and seeks revenge by ruining her cheese company

*I Came. I Saw. I Con Curd.*

How to make Witch jokes?

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