Wishes Jokes
158 wishes jokes and hilarious wishes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wishes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article will provide you with a variety of hilarious wishes jokes to make you and your loved ones smile. Read on to discover how to turn the classic three wishes concept into a joke, to share your desired birthday or anniversary wishes with your friends, and to put an amusing spin on your New Year’s or congratulatory wishes. Find out how to make a request with a bit of humour and inject some fun into every expression of desire.
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Funniest Wishes Short Jokes
Short wishes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wishes humour may include short make a wish jokes also.
- Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes Me: I wish for a world without lawyers
Genie: Done, you have no more wishes
Me: But you said 3
Genie: Sue me. - I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them. You won't catch me doing that today.
- Genie: Whats your first wish? Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money. - I wish I could see what it was like to be fat for just one day. I'm tired of being fat every day.
- I met a magical genie once. He gave me one wish. I said "I wish I could be you" The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut."
- I wish my college was run by EA At least I'd get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money
- One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage I accidentally texted my wife I'm having a wonderful time. I wish you were her.
- A Genie once granted me one wish, so I said I just want to be happy . So now I'm living in a little cottage with 6 dwarfs, working in a mine and singing ?'Whistle while you work…….' ?
- I really wish some of the fantasies in 50 shades of grey were real... like how she got a job right out of college.
- What do you call a little boy made of pasta who comes to life? Pi-gnocchi-o
(I really wish you could hear how hard I'm laughing to myself)
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Wishes One Liners
Which wishes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wishes? I can suggest the ones about wish granted and birthday wish.
- I'm getting laid tonight. I wish I could have posted this in any other sub.
- I finally got someone to be my valentine! I wish I could post this in any other sub.
- My girlfriend is like an iPhone 7. I wish I had an iPhone 7.
- I wish I hadn't downloaded Reddit. I regreddit.
- I kissed a girl today. Wish I could post this in another sub some day.
- Someone actually wished me Merry Christmas Merry Christmas to you too, Team snapchat
- My grandfather always said, "Be envied, not envious." I wish I'd thought of that quote.
- My wife died and I won the lottery. The genie says I have one wish left.
- What company is the best at meeting deadlines? The Make a Wish Foundation
- What bounces and makes children sad? The checks I write to the Make-A-Wish foundation.
- Baby, I wish I were DNA helicase... ...so I could unzip your genes.
- I wish my Dad was the Terminator... ...because then he'd come back.
- I really like being a trophy husband. I just wish I wasn't a participation trophy.
- Trump was taken to Walter Reed tonight I wish him a speedy recovfefe
- My Mother in Law fell down a wishing well I was amazed. I never knew they worked.
Three Wishes Jokes
Here is a list of funny three wishes jokes and even better three wishes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Genie: you have three wishes me: make math go away
Genie: ok, that one's on the house
me: yay, so I still get three wishes?
Genie: huh? - I wish people would stop jumping on James Corden for stealing Ricky Gervais' joke.... This could permanently damage his career, and we need to remember he's got a wife and three chins to support.
- I finally told her those three magical words every woman wish to hear.. I give up!
- A man rubs a lamp A genie appears. You have two wishes, says the genie.
Can you make it three?
Granted, says the genie - I kinda wish Twix came with three fingers instead of two... ...that way, if someone asks me for one, I can give them the middle finger.
- "I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a girl.." "Ok, that's three," interrupted the genie.
- Three teens are granted a wish each.. Nothing special happens, they all just wish you'd leave them alone.
- I was going fishing, and caught a fish that told me I got three wishes Then he said "wish wish wish"
- What do you call three Make-a-Wish Foundation kids? A genie.
- Genie: I will grant you three wishes Oppenheimer : I want world peace; I want my country to be the most powerful in the world; And I want thousands of more wishes.
Happy Birthday Wishes Jokes
Here is a list of funny happy birthday wishes jokes and even better happy birthday wishes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I can see why Paul Walker jokes aren't funny anymore. Poor guy can't catch a "brake".
(P.S. Happy Birthday Paul Walker. I wish u were still here) - Happy birthday Georges Seurat! I wish I could remember why he's famous but my knowledge of his work is a little spotty.
- What did the pillar say when he forgot to wish his friend happy birthday? I'll column later.
- I got my drug dealer arrested the other day Maybe next time you'll wish me happy birthday, mom
- I want to wish you a Happy Birthday in Chinese. yung no mo !
- I overheard it was my co-worker's birthday tomorrow so I wished her a happy birthday eve. She said her name is Claire and her birthday is actually tomorrow.
- I wished Happy Birthday to him but he was crying.
- Happy Birthday Jesus Christ May Allah give what you wish for.
New Year Wishes Jokes
Here is a list of funny new year wishes jokes and even better new year wishes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Testing new mobile phone Hello, i don't know if anyone is going to read this because i am using the internet explorer. But still i wanna wish you a good start in the new year 2010.
- Why does Vincent van Gogh always look forward to thenew year? Because everyone wishes him a new ear.
- New year is about to come. I wish... ... not yet! New year hasn't come yet!
Birthday Wishes Jokes
Here is a list of funny birthday wishes jokes and even better birthday wishes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Man, I wish I had paid for all that music...
- Buddhist birthday wishes Forget the past, you cannot change it.
Forget the future, you cannot know it.
Forget the present, I didn't bring you one. - What did the nihilist wish for on his birthday?
- It's Sigmund Freud's birthday today... I wish him great happenis.
- To celebrate my cake day, I decided to post a joke I got more birthday wishes than my real-life birthday.
[Reddit, thank you for years of facts, hobbies, jokes, and hundreds of unproductive hours] - What's the difference between a birthday cake and a politician? If you blow a politician your wish will come true.
- My 19 year-old son made a wish on his birthday... The doctor told us it doesn't work like that anymore.
- My cousin died just six days before my birthday Which of course made me extremely upset when my birthday came around, because I now had nothing to wish for.
- Birthday wishes Next time I have a birthday party, before I blow out the candles, I will say: "My wish is that my wish does not come true."
Whereupon I will watch the universe implode. - My girlfriend hired a midget to play the keyboards at my birthday party I think she misunderstood me. I did not say I wished I had a 12 inch pianist.
Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Wishes Jokes with Friends.
What funny jokes about wishes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wishing well jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wishes pranks.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You son of a ........
A little girl tells her dad she wishes she had a sister
In an attempt to be clever, her dad explains, "You do, it's just you don't see her. Every time you come in the front door: she leaves out the back door.". The little girl replies, "ohhhh, just like my other daddy!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three blondes want to cross the Nile. A Golden Fish offers each of them a wish to come true
The first one wishes to swim fast. She gets to the middle of the river and the crocodiles eat her. The second one wishes to swim faster. When she gets to the middle the crocodiles eat her. The third blonde wishes to become a man. The Gold Fish turns her into a man and she says: -Thank God there's a bridge here.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Blonde genies
A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it.
Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux k**... outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the k**... are walking away, they remove their hoods.
It's the two blonde genies!
One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure.
He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out.
The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."
The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion."
The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions.
The man said "I would like a million dollars."
The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.
Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."
Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...
and the Judge is asking Baby bear who he wishes to live with. "So, is it Mama or Papa?" the Judge asks.
"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.
"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.
"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.
"Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.
"Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wishes
A woman was walking on the beach when she spotted a lamp almost buried in the sand. She picked it up, dusted it off, and to her surprise a genie popped out.
"Thank you for releasing me from my thousand-year imprisonment! I will grant you the traditional three wishes as a reward. And since you are married, your husband will get double of whatever you wish for."
"But I hate my husband," the woman protested. "He cheated on me and spent all our money -- I've already filed for divorce."
The genie shrugged and told her it was genie law. "OK, whatever," she said, "Give me a hundred million dollars." *p**...!* There were stacks and stacks of newly minted $100 bills piled in front of her. "So, does that mean my husband has *two* hundred million now?"
"Yep," the genie said.
"OK... for my second wish, I want a 100,000 square foot mansion." *p**...!* There was a huge mansion right up on the bluff, and the deed was in her pocket. "So, does that mean my husband gets *two* mansions?"
"Yes indeed. Now, what would you like for your final wish?"
She thought about it for a minute, then snapped her fingers and said, "Genie -- scare me half to death!"
A guy is laying in bed reading a book while his wife is sleeping...
Every so often he reaches over and tickles her funny spot. Eventually she wakes up and yells at him saying, "What are you doing, I told you I wasn't in the mood tonight!"
He responds back with, "I understand and respected your wishes".
Irritated she asks, "Then why do you keep touching me?"
and he retorts, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the page..."
A man was walking along the beach with his mother-in-law...
She was complaining about how much of a good-for-nothing husband he was to her daughter, when he saw a bottle on the ground. He picked it up, wondering what it was, when a genie popped out. The genie told the man he could make 3 wishes, but when he saw the mother-in-law, said whatever the man got, the mother-in-law would get double. The man thought for a while and agreed. "I would like 1 million dollars," the man said. "Your wish is granted," said the genie. 1 million dollars was added to the man's banking account, and 2 million to the mother-in-law's. She starts complaining, "Thanks a lot, now I'll have to manage all this money, why do you have to be so selfish?!" The next wish was for a large house, and that wish was granted. This meant the mother-in-law would have a house twice as big, and started complaining about how she would have to clean such a large house, and the taxes would be expensive.
For the man's final wish, he wished to be beaten half to death.
A genie in a bottle grants a man all his wishes
"But", says the genie, "of all the things you wish, your wife gets double."
"I wish for a hundred million dollars!", orders the man.
"So it shall be. Your wife gets $200 million", replies the genie.
"I wish for a Ferrari!"
"A Ferrari for you, two Ferraris for your wife."
The man is not satisfied, so after a minute of thinking, he wishes:
"Beat me half dead!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two genies in a deserted house..
A guy gets lost in a desert and stumbles upon a house s**... bang in the middle of the desert. After ascertaining that it wasn't a mirage, he enters the house and sees three doors and a lamp at the entrance of the house.
He rubs it and out pop two genies, who are very grateful and decide to grant the man three wishes.
"Before you open each of these doors, wish for what you want most and then open the door."
So he goes upto the first door, closes his eyes for a moment and then enters the room to find all kinds of riches.
He follows the same process and enters the second room and is greeted by the most beautiful women in the world all eager to please him in every possible way.
When he finally makes his third wish and enters the third room, a noose appears from the ceiling and within minutes, the man is dead.
As the two genies leave the house and traverse the desert, one of them turns to the other and says sadly, "I just don't understand. He didn't look suicidal. What was his third wish?"
To which the other genie replies, "Yeah I have no idea why he wished to be hung like a black man."
Obligatory addition: *And then the other genie fainted.*
The Rabbit, The bear, and The genie.
A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods. The rabbit trips on a glistening metal object. The bear quickly picks up the object which appears to be a silver oil lamp.
A genie appeared forth.
The genie looked at the bear then the rabbit, then back at the bear.
"Alright, which of you schmucks freed me?"
"Me" the bear and rabbit said simultaneously.
The genie looked at the rabbit, then back at the bear. "Alright, I'm in a good mood, so you both get three wishes. Who's going first?"
The bear volunteered. "I wish all the other bears in this forest were female" He said.
"I wish I had a motorcycle" said the rabbit.
"Done and done" said the genie. Next wish?
The bear got a dumb smile and said "I wish all the other bears in the surrounding forests were female."
The rabbit hopped on the motorcycle. "I wish I was wearing a helmet"
"Alright. easy enough."
The bear a grin across his face yelled "I wish all the other bears in the world were female!"
The rabbit revved the engine, put on some goggles and as he sped away yelled "I wish the bear was gay!"
A man stumbles across an old lamp.....
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"
The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said "OK, I will try to think of a really good wish". Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing," know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Double Genie
A man comes across a magical lamp with a genie inside who grants him 3 wishes. The only stipulation is that whatever he wishes for, his ex-wife gets double.
The man says, "I wish for a million dollars." The genie replies, "It is done. Your ex-wife gets 2 million."
The man says, "I wish for a mansion." The genie replies, "It is done. your ex-wife now has 2 mansions."
The man says, "For my last wish... I wish you would beat me half to death."
A bear is chasing a mouse through the woods..
When suddenly a genie appears. The mouse and bear stop dead in their tracks, perplexed at the genie's appearance. The genie offers to give both the bear and mouse three wishes. The bear, not hesitating, goes first; "I wish all the bears in these woods were female." The genie laughs and moves onto the mouse. "I wish for a motorcycle." The genie nods and moves back to the bear. "I wish all the bears in the world were female." The genie laughs again. The mouse asks for a motorcycle helmet. The genie gives it to the mouse and looks at the bear one last time. "I wish all the female bears wanted me." The genie goes, "My man!" and looks to the mouse for his final wish. The mouse gets on his motorcycle, starts it up, puts his helmet on and says, "I wish the bear was gay." and the mouse zooms off.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and out comes a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you any three wishes you want, but whatever you wish for I will give your mother-in-law double."
The man agrees to the terms and says, "I wish for a billion dollars." Instantly, he has a billion dollars and his mother-in-law has two billion dollars.
The man then says, "I wish for a 10,000 square foot home on 100 acres." The genie grants his wish and gives his mother-in-law a 20,000 square foot home on 200 acres.
Finally, the man cleverly says, "I wish for you to beat me half to death."
A Man Finds a Magic Lamp While Walking Down the Beach
He rubs the lamp and out pops a genie! The Genie says "I'll grant you three wishes BUT!!!! There is a catch. Whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will receive double."
After thinking long and hard and about his decision the man finally answers. "I'd like a A 1963 Ferrari 250 GTO."
"Done" says the genii and snaps his fingers. The man instantly feels the weight of the keys in his pocket.
"I'd like $500,000 tax free" says the man.
"Done" Says the Genii. And the man reaches into his other pocket to find a Powerball ticket.
Finally the man takes a deep breath and wishes his third and final wish.
"I wish to donate a kidney."
Latvian Jokes
Latvian Olympian win silver medal in skeleton. Wishes silver medal was potato. Still is hungry.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A genie grants a man three wishes ... "Whatever you wish for your ex-wife gets double"
" What is your first wish?" Asked the genie.
"I wish for $10 million." Said the man.
" Okay, your ex-wife gets $20 million. Next?"
" Okay, I wish for a mansion."
"Done, your ex now has 2 mansions. What is your final wish?"
The man pauses to think carefully.
"I wish for you to beat me half to death."
Credit - Russell Peters
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Man and the Genie.
A genie appears to a man and offers him three wishes. However, the genie explains there are a few stipulations. None of these wishes can have anything to do with eternal life, s**..., or money. The man mulls it over for a minute and finally looks up at the genie.
"I think I'm good then."
An Irish man finds a lamp
He rubs it enthusiastically and out pops a genie who states "Thank you for freeing me, I grant you 2 wishes" the Irishman ponders this for a while before making his first wish "I wish I had a pint of Guinness that never goes down" he says excitedly. The pint appears in his hand, he takes a swig and it immediately refills. "This is marvellous!" The Irishman says "I'll have another one of those please!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So there's this new t**......
So there's this new t**... in the store, and he's complaining about how he hates his job and wishes he was something better. His complaining starts to really annoy everyone when an older t**... walks up, slaps him, and looks him sternly in the eyes and says, "s**... it up."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar...
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have s**... with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have s**..., so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Everything you wish for, your wife gets two of
So, I found a magic lamp and the genie said I get 3 wishes but with a catch, everything I wish for, my wife gets double.
My first wish was for a car, my wife gets two cars.
My second wish was for a house, my wife got two houses.
Then for my final wish, I asked to be beaten half to death.
An old rabbi feels his time on earth is coming to an end...
He takes stock of his life and thinks about all the things he's done, and all the things he wishes he'd done. He thinks to himself, "I've always wanted to try pork!"
So the rabbi, being a cautious man, travels a few towns over and looks for a restaurant. Finding a likely place, he reads the menu and sees what he's looking for - a whole suckling pig. He sits down and places the order. Soon the pig arrives, skin crisp and glistening, with a big red apple in its mouth.
The rabbi is just about to tuck in when a member of his synagogue walks in and spots him. "Rabbi!" he exclaims, aghast, "What on Earth are you *doing*?!".
The rabbi looks at his plate, looks at the guy, and says "This restaurant! I order a baked apple, look how they serve it!"
A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.
A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.
"Now I will fullfill your 3 wishes" - he said.
"I wish two lines of the best stuff on the world. Let's take it together, it will be great."
"Ok, that was your first wish. Don't waste all of them on drugs" - genie said and two lines of the best stuff appeared. They both had a great party but suddenly the effect of these drugs ended.
"What is your second wish?" - genie asked
"I want another two lines of the best stuff on the world."
Another two lines appeared and they both were on high again. When the effect ended, Genie asked: "And your third wish?".
"Two lines of the best stuff on the world again."
Two lines appeared again and they were on high. When the effect ended, the genie appeared again:
"So, my friend, what is your fourth wish?"
Criminal on the electric chair. The officer ask: Any last wishes?
The criminal: Please hold my hand...
A genie gives a man three wishes...
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.
Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."
So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lamborghini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house.
Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man meets a Genie and gets three wishes
However any of his wishes that are granted, also come true for all the politicians in the world times two.
**Genie:** What is your first wish?
**Man:** I want a million dollars.
**Genie:** You now have a million dollars and all the worlds politician now receive two million.
**Genie:** What is your second wish?
**Man:** I want a new Mercedes.
**Genie:** You now have a new Mercedes and all the worlds politician now receive two of them.
**Genie:** What is your third and final wish?
**Man:** I want to donate a kidney.
swimming pool wishes
At a swimming pool: Three guys climb a high-dive tower and meet a good fairy who offers to fulfill a wish for each of them. One jumps and says, "Beer!" - and the pool is full of beer. The other one jumps, says, "Money!" and the pool is full of money. The last one starts to jump but slips and, falling, yells, "SHIIIIIIT!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What kind of genie only grants wishes to men?
A misogenie.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jewish Joke
Old Jewish man on his death bed requests a priest. His family not understand why complies and requests a priest who on arrival is told by the old man that he wishes to convert to Christianity. The family is in disbelief and once the father has left asks the old man why? His replies "well if anyone has to die I would rather it be one of them".
This 14 yr old girl in the news that is being frozen cryogenically, her Mother wanted to comply with her wishes, but her Father didn't...
Does he just have to let it go?..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is granted three wishes.
The Genie tells him that whatever he wishes for, his wife will receive 2x of.
The man's first wish is $3B, so his ex-wife gets $6B.
The man's second wish is a mansion, so his ex-wife gets two mansions.
For the man's third and final wish, he tells the Genie "Here's a baseball bat, beat me half to death."
Have you heard that they replaced the wishing well with a scientist?
Instead of granting wishes, he wishes for grants.
Did you hear about the Make A Wish Foundation going bankrupt?
Some kid wished for more wishes.
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie appeared.
The genie looked at the man and said, "And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish, when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."
"Funny," said the genie, "That was your first wish, too."
A man had three wishes
For his first wish, he asked for a room without rent. He then asked for food without having to cook. Finally, he asked for people that always look after him.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He ended up in prison.
Two ambassadors — one Israeli and one Palestinian — are staying in a hotel...
They decide to order lunch, each opting for a porterhouse steak. Unfortunately, the kitchen staff find that there is only one porterhouse left. No one knows what to do, as nobody dares give either ambassador a replacement meal. The cook really wishes for a two-steak solution.
A genie grants a man three wishes...
"Hello sir, I am going to grant you three wishes. What is your first wish?
"I wish I could have three more wishes!"
"You aren't allowed to say that."
"Fine, I wish I could have two more wishes!"
"Ok, you have two more wishes. What is your second wish?"
Everyone keeps wishing a Happy Father's Day to "The Best Dad in the World."
I'm flattered. But I hope everyone wishes their own dad a Happy Fathers Day as well.
A boy frees a genie.
"my first wish is the power to make infinite wishes come true!"
The boy became the genie.
What's the difference between the lost city of Atlantis and Florida?
About 3 days
In all honesty though, my thoughts and good wishes go out to the people of Florida,
A genie grants a Bear and a Squirrel each 3 wishes.
Wish 1: The Bear wishes that every bear in the world would become female.
Wish 1: The Squirrel wishes for a motorcycle he can ride.
Wish 2: The Bear wishes that every female bear in the world would fall in love with him.
Wish 2: The Squirrel wishes for a helmet.
Wish 3: The Bear wishes that none of the female bears ever wanted to get married.
Wish 3: The Squirrel wishes the Bear was gay.
Genie: I will grant you one wish.
Me: I wish for more wishes.
Genie: That wish, I cannot grant.
Me: I wish you'd reconsider.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man finds a genie
The genie says " I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you receive, your ex wife will get twice as much"
"That's alright" says the man. "I want 10 Million Dollars" the man says. "Ok, now your ex wife has 20 million". "I want a mansion." "Ok now your ex wife has two mansions."
"What will be your third wish? Think Carefully!" Says the genie.
The man ponders for a while and finally responds. "I want you to take this crowbar, and beat me half to death with it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Plane Full Of Ugly People Crashes
A plane full of ugly people crashes and everyone on board dies. The peoples' souls then go to heaven, where they are greeted by God at the gate. God tells them that he will grant each person one wish. The first person says, I want to be beautiful . God snapped his fingers and it happened. Then the second person wished for the same thing. This continues as each person in line wishes to be beautiful. God notices the last man in line laughing hysterically. When it came to be the man's turn he laughed and said, I wish all those people were ugly again.
An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp
An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp. The genie pops out and says "I will give you three wishes"
Irishman says "I want to live forever"
Genies nods and says "It is done. You will live forever"
Irishman says "I want a mug of beer that never runs out"
Genie nods and a bottomless beer mug appears in the guy's hand. Genie says "You have one more wish to use"
Irishman says "This is great! Gimme another one of these mugs"
Guy and genie in a bottle
Guy finds a bottle and opens it. Out comes the ghost and says:
"I will grant you 3 wishes but there's a catch...for every wish you make every politician in the world gets double of that."
And the guy says: "I want a Ferrari"
Ghost: "Done, plus 2 for each politician"
Guy: "I want 10 million dollars"
Ghost: "Done, plus 20 million for each politician"
Guy: "I always wanted to donate a kidney"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Hippie was walking along the beach line when he kicked a bottle.
A Hippie was walking along the beach line when he kicked a bottle. Suddenly a genie burst forth and yelled,
"YOU HAVE FREED ME FROM MY 1000 YEAR PRISON, WHAT DO YOU DESIRE? I WILL GIVE YOU THREE WISHES!"
The Hippie looks at the genie and says, "Cool man. I want too be Uptight, Out of sight, and in the groove."
So the genie turns him into a t**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married man man finds a magic lamp...
He rubs the lamp a few times and a genie comes out and says You are my new master and I'm a genie with a twist so whatever you wish your wife gets two of!
The man says I wish for a mansion! The genie says Okay, but your wife gets two!
He wishes for a million dollars, and his wife gets two million.
For his final wish he looks at the genie and says I wish I was beaten half to death.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.
He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful women reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." p**...! He's back in his government office.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old lady was cleaning an ancient lamp in her attic
And then p**... , a genie appeared and asked if he can grant 3 wishes for her .
The old lady said
- I want to be young and beautiful again
- I want to very rich
- my cat should become a handsome prince
p**... the next moment she is young , sitting in her palace and her cat now transformed into a prince started crying ..
She asked what happened ?
Cat : I guess you forgot the time you had me neutered !!
3 men were stranded on a desert, then a genie appeared and gave them each 2 wishes.
The French man told the genie For my first wish, I'd like a huge crepe. He ate it then wished to go back home.
The Mexican man told the genie For my first wish, I'd like a huge Quesadilla. He ate it then wished to go back home.
The American man told the genie For my first wish, I'd like a huge pizza. He ate it then wished for another one.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men meet a genie and are given a single wish.
The first man wishes to be invisible, p**...! he turns invisible but gets run over by a truck and drops down dead.
The second man wishes for 100 million dollars, p**...! he gets the money but is robbed and shot and drops down dead.
The third man sees this and figures out that the other men were selfish and that's what got them killed so he wishes for world peace, p**...! and 7.3 billion people drop down dead.
What do you call a French person who wishes they were Japanese?
ouib
A genie appears in front of a man, and grants him three wishes.
Man: For my first wish, I would like a TV camera to look at during oppurtune moments.
Genie: Granted. Your second wish?
Man: I wish everyone was super gullible.
Genie: Done. And for your final wish?
Man: I wish for updog.
Genie: What's updog?
Man: Not much, how about you? *Looks into camera*
A man decides to open up a business...
Sadly, he is located right between two other shops in the same line of business he wishes to enter. To his left, a large sign reads "Smith and Co.", to his right theres "Winstons Finest". So, after a bit of pondering, he decides to name his shop "Main Entrance"
How many lonely guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. But he wishes it took two. :(
When I was younger, I had an imaginary friend. I'd talk to him and he could hear me and he could grant me wishes and stuff too
Then I grew up and stopped going to church.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Genie grants a man 3 wishes
The genie says the only catch is whatever you wish for your ex wife will get double.
The man says "For my first wish I want a huge mansion."
Sure enough the man is given a huge mansion and his ex wife gets two.
"My second wish, I want a billion dollars!"
The man is given a billion dollars and his ex is given two billion.
The genie says, "and for your final wish?"
The man says "I wish to be beaten half to death."
My dying laptop's last wishes
(Coughing) Marvin im dying and before I die (cough intensifies)
I want you to promise me something...you'll take my hard disk and put it in your next computer
I want my memory to live on
Genie: U have 3 wishes
Me: I wanna be an Idiot
Genie: U got 3 wishes left
I already used my wishes
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Guy finds a magic lamp
He rubs it and out comes a genie granting him 3 wishes!
1st wish: I want a stable job
2nd wish: I want to be driving a costly vehicle
3rd wish: I want to be surrounded by ladies
Genie makes him a bus driver
A zookeeper wishes to buy some new animals from another wildlife park.
She writes:
Dear sir, We are a recently opened zoo and are looking to purchase 2 mooses. "No that doesn't sound right." She thinks.
We are looking to purchase 2 meese. "No that can't be right either."
Dear sir, I wish to inquire about purchasing a moose. Kind Regards.
P.S. Please send another moose along with the first.
A genie is granting my last wish
Me: I wish for more-
Genie: No wishing for more wishes.
Me: I wish for more genies
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A genie appears infront of a man...
And tells him that he can have 3 wishes, but his ex wife will get double anything he asks for.
The man thinks and says "I wish for a trillion dollars"
"It is done. Now your ex also has 2 trillion dollars."
"I wish for the biggest mansion in the world with everything that comes with it, servants, helicopters, the works"
"It is done. Your ex now also has 2 mansions."
The man nods his head and then says "I wish I was beaten half to death"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A black man get lost in a desert and finds a genie's lamp.
The genie tells him he has 3 wishes and can be granted anything but more wishes. The man ponders for a while and says " ok I got it" . " firstly I wish to never run out of water, second I wish to be white, and third of all I wish I got a lot of a**...". The genie tell him " this I can do" and grants all three of the mans wishes at once . he then tells the man "you are now white, will never run out of water, and will get tons of a**... everyday. I've turned you into a toilet"
One day, a lawyer finds a genie's lamp.
The lawyer rubs the lamp, and the genie comes out.
"You have three wishes," the genie says. "The only rule is that you can't wish for more wishes."
After thinking for a while, the lawyer finally says, "I wish the word *splork* were interchangeable with the word *wish*. Next, I wish your initial injunction pertained only to the concept of wishing paired with the particular word *wish* as opposed to the concept itself, which you were merely signifying with that word. Aaaaand I splork for infinite splorks."
The genie sighs and says, "This is why nobody likes lawyers."
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A classic Russian joke...
An American, a Frenchman and a Russian are stranded on an uninhabited island. They build a shelter, catch fish for food and suddenly catch a magical Golden Fish, who promises to fulfill two wishes for each in trade for her own freedom:
The American says: "A million dollars and to go back home!" He vanishes.
The Frenchman says: "Three beautiful women and to go back home!" He vanishes as well.
The Russian look around at the deserted island, and says: "Tsk, and we were getting along so well. Three crates of v**... and the two fellas back!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A recently divorced woman finds a magic lantern. The genie offers her 3 wishes but with one condition.
Every wish that is granted her will be doubled to her Ex-husband.
So to test the genie she makes her first wish for $10 million. Sure enough her Ex received $20 million.
Her 2nd wish is for 2 supermodel consorts. Again her Ex is graced with 4 supermodels to fulfill his every desire.
For her final wish she asks the genie for a MMA fighter to beat her half to death!
A world renowned chemist dies.
A world renowned chemist dies. His will states that he wishes for all of his favorite elements from the periodic table be included with his body. They go to his wife and ask "Are we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket?
To which she replies
"No, just Barium"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A gypsy man was fishing one day when
he caught a beautiful golden trout. This happened to be a magic trout, and it said to the gypsy
"Oh kind fisherman, if you would throw me back I will grant you three wishes!"
So the gypsy didn't think very long, and threw the fish back. Then he said
"For my first wish, I want to be White. For my second wish, I want to be 8 inches long... if you know what I mean. And for my third wish, make is so that all the women in the world will want me!"
So the fish said "Your wishes are granted!"
and turned him into a m**... Pad.
For my 3rd wish, I wish for infinite wishes
"Wish granted," says the Genie.
"Really? I thought it was impossible. I wish for infinite riches now." responds the man.
The man waits for a few minutes as nothing happens.
"I thought you said you granted my wish for infinite wishes!"
The Genie smirks and responds "I said I would only GRANT three wishes. You have infinite wishes as you wanted now, except I just won't grant them. You should have looked at the dictionary definition for wish first."
A man meets a fairy
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" , the fairy asks.
"Another one of those"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man rubs a vase and out comes a genie
The genie says "You got 3 wishes, but the catch is, your wife gets double.
The man says, "I want a new car"
The genie grants the mans wish for a car and gives the wife two cars.
The man says, "I want a new house"
The genie grants the wish and gives the man a new house and gives the wife two houses.
The man now says, "For my final wish, I wish to be beaten half to death"
