Wished Jokes

99 wished jokes and hilarious wished puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wished that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Short Wished Jokes
Wished One Liners
Wished Marry Jokes
More Wished Jokes

Funniest Wished Short Jokes

Short wished jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wished humour may include short wishes jokes also.

Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes Me: I wish for a world without lawyers
Genie: Done, you have no more wishes
Me: But you said 3
Genie: Sue me.
I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them. You won't catch me doing that today.
Genie: Whats your first wish? Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.
I wish I could see what it was like to be fat for just one day. I'm tired of being fat every day.
Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes Genie: what will be your first wish?
Dave: I want to be rich
Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?
Rich: I want a lot of money
I met a magical genie once. He gave me one wish. I said "I wish I could be you" The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut."
I wish my college was run by EA At least I'd get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money
Sometimes I just wish I was black. That way I wouldn't have to deal with all the dad jokes
One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage I accidentally texted my wife I'm having a wonderful time. I wish you were her.
A Genie once granted me one wish, so I said I just want to be happy . So now I'm living in a little cottage with 6 dwarfs, working in a mine and singing ?'Whistle while you work…….' ?

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Wished One Liners

Which wished one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wished? I can suggest the ones about wishes granted and wish granted.

I'm getting laid tonight. I wish I could have posted this in any other sub.
I finally got someone to be my valentine! I wish I could post this in any other sub.
My girlfriend is like an iPhone 7. I wish I had an iPhone 7.
I wish I hadn't downloaded Reddit. I regreddit.
I kissed a girl today. Wish I could post this in another sub some day.
Someone actually wished me Merry Christmas Merry Christmas to you too, Team snapchat
My grandfather always said, "Be envied, not envious." I wish I'd thought of that quote.
My wife died and I won the lottery. The genie says I have one wish left.
What company is the best at meeting deadlines? The Make a Wish Foundation
What bounces and makes children sad? The checks I write to the Make-A-Wish foundation.
I wish I could date Pokemon GO's servers Because then she'd go down on me 5 times a day.
Baby, I wish I were DNA helicase... ...so I could unzip your genes.
I wish my Dad was the Terminator... ...because then he'd come back.
I really like being a trophy husband. I just wish I wasn't a participation trophy.
I wish I was a helicase enzyme... ...because then I could unzip your genes

Wished Marry Jokes

Here is a list of funny wished marry jokes and even better wished marry puns that will make you laugh with friends.

My wife came out to me after for horrible years of marriage and revealed she was a lesbian and that she wished she'd married another woman Which finally gave us something in common.
She told me she was too classy to sleep with a married man... Something I wish she'd mentioned before our honeymoon.
What is the difference between marriage and death? When you're dead you don't wish that you were married.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
An old man on his death bed ask his wife for one dying wish. She says anything for you.
I would like you to marry John when I die.
The wife says but I thought you hated John.
He replied I DO!!
I wish I was getting a divorce. Because it would mean someone once loved me enough to marry me.
A man goes to his priest... Man: Father, I wish to become immortal.
Priest: Get married.
Man: Will that make my wish come true?
Priest: No, it will disappear.
Girlfriend wishes My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you -- I hope she meets somebody nice.
I wish my last name was Wong Because when I get married and have a kid I can name them Right to say that 2 Wongs do make a Right
I think I married someone else's soulmate. I wish they'd come get him.

Hilarious Wished Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter

What funny jokes about wished you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hoped jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wished pranks.

A Japanese man wished to join the knights of England.

The recruitment official turned him away, however, stating that there can not be any c**... in their knights' armor.

I got a divorce for my birthday.

When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.
We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.
I was sitting on the couch n**....

A woman has twins...

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '

Wished my wife a 'Happy Valentine's ay!'

I'll give her the D later.

Three blondes stuck on a desert island.

When they find a magic lamp, after a quick rub out pops a genie.
"I shall grant you three wishes" he states.
The first blonde wished to be on a giant cruise ship.
With a click, she was gone.
The second blonde wished she was in a casino with millions to play with.
Click! She vanished.
The third blonde looked upset.
"Whats the matter" asked the genie.
"I dont want to be alone on this island, i wish my friends were back"

An Italian, a French and a black man are in the desert

And suddenly they find a bottle. They open it to reveal that it contains a genie!
The genie says "I'am an old and lazy genie so I
I will grant you one and one single wish"
The Italian because wishes
The French is so thirsty that he wished to have water
And finally the black man is fed up to be black and wishes to be white
The genie starts his magi and.... transfer them into.... a white toilet

What do you call an Elf that sings?

A wrapper!
Merry Christmas.
I hope you got what you wished for. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

My girlfriend hired a midget to play the keyboards at my birthday party

I think she misunderstood me. I did not say I wished I had a 12 inch pianist.

Things that we wished were delivered

1. Taco Bell
2. OP
3.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead lost in the desert...

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. p**...! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. p**...! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

Genie Lamp

Why did the anorexic cow take great offense when the farmer wished him Merry Christmas?

...because he was a moo-slim.

My little brother wished for bigger family gatherings

So I listed my single uncles on dating websites. "You want aunts? That's how you get aunts."

A Man from Cape Horn

There once was a man from Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born.
And he wouldn't have been
if his father had seen
that the end of the rubber was torn.

I wished h**... finished what he didn't finish.

He needed to finish art school. He was a really good artist.

Why were the locals dissapointed when an old, decrepit, broken down bus rolled into an Egyptian town?

They wished it was Anubis.

"I'm 29 years old today..."

"I'm 29 years old today," said Ralph, setting a box of donuts on the table in the office. His coworkers all wished him a happy birthday.
Next day, Ralph's secretary answers the phone...
"Hello, my name is Carl. I'm Ralph's brother in law, and I'd like to wish Ralph a happy birthday," says the man on the line.
"Birthday? You're a day late. He just told us yesterday he turned 29."
"No," says Carl. "He *was* 29 yesterday. *Today* he's 30."
(based on a true story)

Did you hear about the Make A Wish Foundation going bankrupt?

Some kid wished for more wishes.

Why did the straight line want to commit s**... by poisoning?

Because he wished to die-agonally.

Today I saw a penny in a u**... and wondered what they wished for.

I'm wishing for a drier pocket.

A swami needed his teeth fixed, but refused Novocaine.

He wished to transcend dental medication.

My 9 year old nephew told me he wished he could be like Batman.

So I killed my brother & his wife & tossed my my nephew into a pit filled with bats.

I once wished I could be done p**....

The wish was grunted.

People keep asking me what my birthday wish was...

I wished for cancer so i can make a real wish

Someone wished me a white Christmas

So I wished them a black Kwanzaa

When I was born, my mom decided to name me after what she wished she was before getting pregnant.

Barron.

My mate wished me a Merry Christmas earlier.

A bit early, yes, but he suffers from p**... congratulation.

I think you are only supposed to wish upon one star, but I wished upon two

Because I couldn't take it completely Sirius.

I wished my friend a bright future...

...so that he has the best of lux.

A Plane Full Of Ugly People Crashes

A plane full of ugly people crashes and everyone on board dies. The peoples' souls then go to heaven, where they are greeted by God at the gate. God tells them that he will grant each person one wish. The first person says, I want to be beautiful . God snapped his fingers and it happened. Then the second person wished for the same thing. This continues as each person in line wishes to be beautiful. God notices the last man in line laughing hysterically. When it came to be the man's turn he laughed and said, I wish all those people were ugly again.

I wish I could go to Maldives again

Wow, you've been to the Maldives?
No, but I wished it before.

My dad got me a cake for my birthday

He told me to make a wish and blow out the candles.
Afterwards, he asked me what I wished for.
I said I wished you wouldn't hit me anymore.
Then you shouldn't have said it out loud.

3 men were stranded on a desert, then a genie appeared and gave them each 2 wishes.

The French man told the genie For my first wish, I'd like a huge crepe. He ate it then wished to go back home.
The Mexican man told the genie For my first wish, I'd like a huge Quesadilla. He ate it then wished to go back home.
The American man told the genie For my first wish, I'd like a huge pizza. He ate it then wished for another one.

Visited my baker today, I did..

"May the froth be with you", I wished..

Somewhere, someone on this earth needs a person just like you in their life, and they've always wished for you to show up

And other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself.

You're so u... that, if you found a lamp, rubbed it, a genie popped out and you wished to not die a v......

He'd make you immortal.

A guy tells his friend "I wish I was a doctor just like my dad."

His friend says "Dude you never told me your dad was a doctor!"
He responds "Nah he isn't, he wished he was though."

A genie magically appered in front of me. He said he could grant me 3 wishes, except for the classic 'wishing for more wishes'

Joke's on him. I wished for more genies.

You ever read a girl's status and wished someone would just treat her right

So she'd just s**...

I just saw a Lilliputian wearing a hijab on the metro.

Someone ticked me on my shoulder and said i could make a wish. 'Please don't blow up' i wished.

The day after Thanksgiving someone wished me Happy Turkey Recovery Day

Sorry to burst your bubble, but those turkeys aren't recovering from yesterday.

A blonde, redhead and a brunette

A blonde, redhead and a brunette are lost and have found a magic lamp, and rubbed it. A genie appears and grants them 3 wishes in total.
The redhead wished to be back home.
p**..., she was back home.
The brunette wished to be back with her family.
p**..., she was back with her family.
The blonde said: Wow! I wish my friends were here.

Why did Selena Gomez dump The Weeknd on a Monday?

She wished The Weeknd was longer.

I wanted to catch up in life to my peers this year...

I guess I got what I wished for.

Two friends are walking together down a road

Guy 1: I wish I was a millionaire like my father
Guy 2: Was your father a millionaire?
Guy 1: No, he just wished he was

A man walks into a bar...

There's only him, the barman and a guy about a foot high playing the piano.
'What you want to drink?' Asks the barman.
' any recommendations?' replies the guy.
' we have genie beer, you get a free wish when you open the bottle'
So the guy gets one, opens the bottle and asks for a million bucks.
Immediately a million ducks appear
' w**..., I wished for a million bucks!' the customer moans.
' tell me about it' says the barman ' you think I wanted a 12 pianist'.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption

One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Twins

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

I said to my friend: "I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad..."

My friend said "Whoa, your dad was a billionaire?"
I said "no, he also wished he was..."

I have achieved immortality

I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.
I wished that I won't die a v**....

I wish I were a millionaire like my father

He too wished he were a millionaire

I wish....

* I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad
* Oh, so your dad was a billionaire?
* No, he also wished he were.

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert.

They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. p**...! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. p**...! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

When he met a genie, he wished to never have to excrete waste again.

His friend: "What? Why don't you wish for something better than that? There's so much you could do!"
Him: "I don't give a s**..."

A man was granted one wish, however his ex wife would get twice of whatever he wished.

He wished to be half dead.

I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad

Oh, so your dad was a billionaire?
No, he also wished he were.

It was going to be a long road trip. I popped on my headphones, pulled up a movie on my phone, and got lost in the action as the car headed down the highway.

The passengers probably wished that I'd waited until I wasn't driving to do that.

Why did the blind orphan cross the road alone?

Because he wished to see his parents on the other side.

I wished everyone a Happy Memorial Day..

None of them responded

I returned to the genie and asked him why he turned me into a 11ft giant who gets his backside wiped every time he farts.

He said, "You wished to live longer and be treated like royalty."

Three wishes

Three friends are stuck on an island. One day, one of the them found a bottle floating near land. It so happen to be a genie bottle! "Thankyou for freeing me! You may have three wishes!", the genie explains. The first person wished to go back home, and just like that, they vanished and went home! Excited, the second person wished to go home as well, and the genie made his wish come true. The third person was sad. They looked at the genie and said, "I'm so alone, I wish that my friends would come back!"

There was once a blind finn, deaf dane and a swede, who was in a wheelchair.

They found a bottle whose spirit promised everyone a wish.
The finn wished first, and soon yelled: I CAN SEE I CAN SEE!
then the dane wished, and soon yelled: I CAN HEAR I CAN HEAR!
Then the swede wished, and soon he yelled: NEW TIRES NEW TIRES!

Made some Indian food for dinner the other night. While telling my wife what was in it, I said I'd used butter in one part, but wished I'd had some ghee instead. She looked at me quizzically, and I continued "Because it's more traditionally Indian."

"Ah," she replied. "Thanks for clarifying."

Note: this actually happened! She's a gem and I'm keeping her.

What's the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

You wished you were an adult.

My wife complained she wished someone other than her would do some dusting.

Crop dusting evidently is not what she had in mind.

A wife is looking in the mirror at her b**......and sighing. The husband asks what's bothering her, and she tells him she wished she had a larger bosom...

He says, "well here's what you should do. Every day, take some toilet paper, ball it up, and rub it between your b**...."
Excited...she asks, "and that'll make them bigger?"
"It might" he replies. "It sure worked for your a**...".

At the dawn of the Stone Age…

Og the caveman noticed that after a long period of darkness the sun would rise, traverse across the sky and then sink below the horizon.
Then darkness… until the sun would again rise once again, travel across the sky and sink below the horizon.
Again and again. Over and over.
Og wished to give a name to this event.
He thought long and hard. He tried all
sorts of words until his brain hurt and his tongue lolled in his mouth.
He tried every variation of sounds he could think of until he was exhausted.
In the end, utterly exhausted, he just gave up and called it a day.

When I was in high school I wished that could be invisible so that I could sneak in the girls locker room.

Now I'm married And a beautiful woman takes her clothes off in front me and pretends I'm invisible every day!

Dragon Ball Z is real.

Messi collected 7 golden b**... and successfully wished for a world cup.

Three children were walking on a mountain when found a magical slide.

Next to it, there was a sign that said, whatever you wish for comes true when you slide down . The first child stepped up, slid down, and wished for a river of chocolate. And voila, he swam in his chocolate river! The second child slid down and wished for a mountain of money. His wish came true too. Then the third child slid down and, forgetting the rules, said weeeeeeeeee!

Chuck Norris went to the doctor for surgery

When the doctor woke up from sedation, Chuck gave him a lolly pop and wished him a good day.

What's the first way to know when you're growing old?

It's your birthday and the only ones who wish you happy birthday are your doctors.
(Not so much a joke. It's my birthday and guess who wished me happy birthday so far.)
Edit: finally, a couple of family members have said it. They're still outnumbered five to one by medical staff. Lol!