Wise Man Jokes
108 wise man jokes and hilarious wise man puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wise man that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Wise Man Short Jokes
Short wise man jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wise man humour may include short wisdom man jokes also.
- Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?" "I am not Master Akira."
- Go away bee, don't bother me. A wise man once told me, if a bee is bothering you, don't swat or run away, just stand still and look right at it, because seeing is believing.
- A wise man once said... "If you make a woman laugh, you've half-undressed her."
However, if you half-undress and she laughs, that's a different thing altogether. - A man who recogizes his mistakes when wrong is wise. A man that recognizes his mistake when he is right is... Married.
- A man asked a wise Guru: "What is the secret to eternal happiness?" The wise Guru answered: "To not argue with fools."
The man says: "I disagree."
The wise Guru replied: "Yes, you are right." - A wise man once said, "Nothing worth doing is without risk..." Well, he almost did, but he was worried someone might laugh.
- A lecturer had reached one of his most important points "He who gives in when he is wrong is wise: but the man who gives in when he is right is..."
"Married," someone shouted from the audience. - A wise man once said Life becomes much more peaceful when you realize you are not responsible for the projections of others. …the movie theater manager then proceeded to reconsider his career.
- The lesser-known fourth Wise Man brought baby Jesus the gift of protein powder. It was a whey in a manger.
- A wise man once told me that you should love with your heart and use your head for everything else He died of a concussion
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Wise Man One Liners
Which wise man one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wise man? I can suggest the ones about wise guy and rich man.
- As a wise man once said, "Don't quote me on this."
- A wise man once told his wife… Absolutely nothing! Because he was a wise man…
- A wise man once said... ..."mom, I want some candies"
- A wise man once told me to never give up on my dreams. That is why I keep sleeping.
- "Don't give me the chicken, instead teach me how to lay eggs." Once a wise man said.
- A wise man once said... Nothing, he only listened.
- What did the wise man say to the science class? Many photons make light work.
- A wise man buys his wife fine china, so she won't trust him to wash it.
- A wise man said to his wife
- A wise chinese man once said to me: "A day without sunshine is just a cloudy day."
- A wise man once told me, "Screw Perfect." 40 years later and I still haven't found her.
- A wise man once said that He doesn't want to be anonymous
- As a wise man once said: "As a wise man once said"
- a wise man once said
- A Wise Man Once Said Something I don't know what he said, just that he said something.
A Wise Man Once Said Jokes
Here is a list of funny a wise man once said jokes and even better a wise man once said puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife asked me if these pants make her look fat. Being a wise man, I said Yes!
It's all the pants' fault. - When is the only time a woman says something smart? When her sentence starts with "A wise man once said"
- This just in. Words said by the very first old wise man have been discovered. Quote: What's going on here?
- A wise man once said that nothing really dies, it just comes back in a new form Then he died.
- A wise man once said that ice on the ground is great. He fell
- Words of wisdom A wise man once said "I give you the gift of frankincense."
Wise Man Say Jokes
Here is a list of funny wise man say jokes and even better wise man say puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Belated holiday joke Q: What did the 3 Wise Men say to the crazy man?
A: "You make no Frankincense!!"
Uproarious Wise Man Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about wise man you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean strong man jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wise man pranks.
A film crew was filming in the highlands in Scotland when an old Gaelic seer came hobbling by and said, "Tomorrow rain," and hobbled on. Sure enough it rained the very next day. Again he hobbled past and said, "Tomorrow sunshine." It was indeed a fine sunny day the next day. The director was mighty impressed and got the crew to hire him and every day the wise old sage predicted accurately what the weather would be. But after a couple of weeks the old man didn't show up and eventually the director found him in a bothy and said, "Hey, we need your predictions, why aren't you showing up?" "Radio broken," the old man replied.
While vacationing in a remote area of Alaska, I met an old mountain man, wise in the ways one need be to live in an extreme wilderness area like he did.
I asked him about the weater, did it rain a lot? He said;
"See those mountains over there" and he pointed to them."
I replied, "Yes."
"Well," he replied, ".. if you can't see those mountains, that means it's raining. If you can see them, that means it's going to rain."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wise man once said, "There is safety in numbers". Yeah?! Well, tell that one to six million Jews!
Wise Golfer
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."
An old man an his grandson are taking a walk one crisp fall afternoon...
When the old man asks his grandson what he wanted to be when he grrw up.
"I wanna be rich like you granpa!" , responded the boy
Now the old man had worked hard all his life. Started off as an employee at a small company and ended up owning it. He almost never spent his hard earned money on luxuries. He was a smart consumer, invested wisely, yadda, yadda, yadda.
The old man smiled quitely at his grandson's remark.
"Now how do you plan on doing that, sport?"
"Well," said the little boy, "It's gonna take a lot of hard work and patience."
"Oh really?" ,the old man questioned
"Uh-huh! It's going to be a while before I get my inheritance!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So god asked 3 guys...
Three men die and end up meeting god.
God greets each of them personally and says their hellos. God then asks each one of them an important question.
"Each of you must choose one thing to have in a room for a thousand years. Choose wisely."
God asks the first man..."I want all the booze I can have god!" His wish is granted.
God asks the second man..."I want all the women in the world god!" His wish is granted.
God asks the third man..."I want all the w**... in the world!" His wish is granted.
1000 years go by.
The first man stumbles out falling left and right with a giant bottle of beer in his hand.
The second man comes out looking exhausted yet satisfied.
The third man is curled in the fetal position in the corner of the room, rocking back and forth. God comes over to him and asks him what's wrong.
"Can I have a light."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Choose Wisely...
A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."
So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.
Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.
Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in e**... and sipping coffee.
"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.
A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wise Italian Grandfather.
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, g**..., I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... Appetite
The banker saw his old friend Harry, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town one day. Harry had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying again.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Harry if the rumor was true. Harry assured him that it was.
The banker then asked Harry the age of his new bride to be.
Harry proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in this December."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the s**... appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's later years to be happy ones, the banker tactfully suggested that Harry should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Harry thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Harry in town again.
"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Harry proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advise had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Harry said, "She's pregnant too!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Dogs (From the movie Silkwood)
A young brave visits the chief of the tribe with a question. "Wise one, is it true you name all the members of the tribe, and if so, how is it done?"
The venerable old man replies "Yes, for over 20 years I have named each person who is born to the tribe. I sit outside the lodge, and when I hear the infants' first cry, I open my eyes and the first thing I see becomes the name. So it was with your brother Big Bear, your sister Singing Bird, your cousin Blue Cloud, and so on."
"But tell me, Two Dogs F**king...... why do you ask?"
A black man gets lost on an indian reservation
So he stops at an old general store for directions. Upon pulling up to the store he is met by an old, wise Najavo man sitting in a rocking chair on the porch. He approaches the man and asks "excuse me, but how do I get back onto the interstate?"
The old sage thinks for a moment, and in traditional Najavo style he points with his lips instead of his hands. "Go down that road, take a left, past the barn. Ya can't miss it"
The black man smiles and decides to play along. "I get it. Down that road, left, past the barn", he says proudly, pointing with his lips.
"No", replies the indian. "Not that far".
In a theater
A man is stretched out on his back across four seats in a theater. The usher comes down and says, Mister, you will have to get out of those four seats. You are only entitled to one.
The man only grunts and does not move. The manager comes down and says to the man, Mister, you will have to get up. All you are entitled to is one seat. The man grunts and does not move.
Finally a policeman is called in. He walks down the aisle and says to the man who is still on the four seats, Get out of those seats!
The man grunts, and policeman says, Okay, wise guy, where are you from? The man moans and says, The balcony.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a famous p**...
*A famous p**... died. People were confused as to what should be written on her grave. Finally, on the advice of a wise man, they wrote: AT LAST SHE SLEPT ALONE!!!
Variations of a nail joke. (Heard at a Ren Faire, modified)
The Goldman Nails company is trying to bolster business. They start a contest to create an advertisement for the business. The first submission is from an older lady.
It starts with a man with a beard in a white robe hammering away at wood. The shot pulls back to reveal an massive wooden ship and the figure turns and says "I'm Noah and I use Goldman Nails."
The second submission is from an elderly gentleman. It opens with a king sitting surrounded by men working on a great temple. The king says "I am king Solomon and all of my men wisely use Goldman Nails."
The last submission was by little Johnny. It opens on a desert. A man runs across the screen. He has a crown of thorns on this head and blood is coming out of his side. It is clearly Jesus. He runs off and two Roman Centurions run into focus. They look at each other; winded, one says to the other "We should have used Goldman's nails"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the wise man say to the fat guy?
You should probably go on a diet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An alcoholic man is walking along the beach...
until he stumbles across a lamp. He decided to pick it up and give it a rub, just to see if anything would happen. All of a sudden, a magic genie pops out and tells the man he has three wishes. The man thinks for a moment and then tells the genie that he would like a bottle of whiskey. The genie extends his arms and p**..., the bottle of whiskey appears in the man's hands. The man takes a few sips, and then has an idea. He tells the genie that he wishes that his bottle of whiskey would never run out, and every time he got to the end the bottle would refill itself. The genie extends his arms again, and p**... the bottle became magic. The genie reminds the man that he only has one more wish, and he should use it wisely. So the man takes a few more sips from his bottle, and then looks up to the genie and says "I'll take another."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
why do women enjoy s**... more than men
why do women enjoy s**... more than men
A wise man said : "When you have an itchy ears , and then you put your finger in your ear and scartch
which one feel better your finger or your ear ?"
So 3 wise men go to see baby Jesus
and the first wise man shows up and gives baby Jesus some Gold.
The second wise man shows up and gives him some Frakensense.
The third wise man shows up and says "But wait, theres myrrh!"
An old man walks into a dollar store.
He walks up to the cashier empty handed.
"Aren't you going to buy anything?" asks the cashier?
"No, I'm only here to preach the need for change," says the old man smugly.
Exasperated, the cashier asks, "what are you, a wise guy?"
The old man responds, "no, I'm a pundit"."
Email Joke
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
I asked a wise man about the secrets to success..
He explained "There are two things in the world that you need to know to be successful. The first is never tell anyone everything you know"
A wise old man once told me...
...to bend over.
Wise Men
Sea man came across a woman, there was a lot of cleaning up
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wise man say...
Man who passes gas in church sits in own pew.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wise Italian Grandfather
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "g**..., I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's up!' "?
Jesus writes a letter to the three wise men years later, and thanks them for the gifts they gave him.
"Hello Wise Men,
Thanks for the Frankincense, first wise man, I will make great use of it, perhaps not now, but far later in life. As for you, second wise man, I am very pleased with the Myrrh, it smells lovely and I have been scenting my house with it. However, third wise man, I am travel weary and cannot remember the gift that you sent. I may correspond in the future with you further."
Days later in the wise men's house, another letter arrives.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wise man once said nothing.
He let her vent, and then they had s**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On old wise Chinese man once said:
Better to have a hole in your hand than a hand in your hole.
Wise words from a Gravestone
In life... a man needs a woman he can laugh with,
a woman who will cook for him,
a woman who he can enjoys life's adventures with,
and it's super important that these women never meet,
Otherwise you will end up in the ground like me.
A man had 3 problems...
A man had 3 problems:
1: He was very poor
2: He had no children with his wife
3: His mother was blind
An angel appeared to him and asked him to make a wish. Just one. Now his wife wants a child, his mother wants to see and he wants to be rich...
Ah, what embarrassment!
After reflecting a bit, he said wisely to the angel:
"I just want my mother to see my children eating in golden plates."
Why wasn't Jesus born in X Country?
He couldnt find 3 wise man and a virigin
My granddad was a wise man...
...he told me that you can't find happiness all by yourself. To live a truly happy life you need to be in a fulfilling relationship. You need to find a wife that loves you unconditionally, a wife that challenges you on a daily basis, a wife that you always want to make love to and most importantly you must make sure that they'll never meet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A foolish man gives his wife a grand piano...
... A wise man gives his wife an upright o**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The wise man say
That violence is not the answer, when mosquito lands on t**....
A fool does last what a wise man does first. -unknown
Looks like my chances of getting laid improve dramatically the older I get. Sweet!
Why was the American mailman singing...
Why was the American mailman singing "never made it as a wise man, I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing"?
Because the USPS wants it's Nickleback.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Posted a casting call for our nativity online
Still looking for wise men but we have plenty of women who don't need no man to bear a child
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wise man told me that the mobile network carrier you choose says a lot about your life
No wonder I use v**... Mobile.
George W. Bush found a magic lamp.
What do you want from me, mr. Bush? asks the genie.
I regret a lot of stuff. I just want people to see me as wise, rightful man.
And that was the moment when Trump won the election.
My psychic is a wise woman. She believes that all things happen for a reason. I asked her to show me.
She said,
"In the year 3055, a time traveler will be vomiting uncontrollably in a dark room. At some point before his episode, unbeknownst to him, his time machine will have malfunctioned... This he'll only realize once it's too late."
All of a sudden, a man in a space-suit walked in. He grabbed a brown paper bag off of her desk and walked away. My psychic looked at me, smiled, and said, "that lunch has been sitting on my desk for 365 days. He thinks the year is 2019; he's late."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A foolish man complains about his torn pockets
A wise man uses them to scratch his b**....
Two engineering nerds were walking across their college campus.
One of them had a bike:
Nerd 1: Where did you get that bike, man; it looks pretty well made.
Nerd 2: Yesterday I saw a beautiful woman riding this bike in the park, and I winked at her. She came over, threw the bike down, took off her clothes, and said to me 'take what you want'.
Nerd 1: Wow, that's great! Wise choice too! I'm proud of you, dude.
Nerd 2: Why? It was a simple choice.
Nerd 1: Well, I thought it might have been pretty tempting.
Nerd 2: Not at all; I bet the clothes wouldn't have even fit me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young man turns 21 and decides to change his name.
He goes to the village wise man and explains what he wants.
"You do realize that, in our village, it is a tradition for the father to name a child after the first thing he sees after the child is born, don't you?" The young man nods.
"That is why your older sister is named 'Flying Dove.'" The young man nods.
"And that is also why your younger brother is named 'Running Deer.'" The young man nods.
"So, I don't understand why you would want to change your name, 'Two Dogs f**...'!"
Did you know one of the 3 wise men came from the ocean?
It wasn't the gold-man.
Not the frankincense-man.
It was the myrrh-man.
A wise man is walking through a market with a bag of gold.
As he passes the various sellers, a merchant quickly lights some incense and a beautiful aroma fills the air. It's frankincense, the merchant says. The best in the land.
The wise man gets some and is about to leave when the merchant calls out, But wait ... there's myrrh!
The secret to a good marriage
It was grandparents day at school.
"Steven, please come up here and tell the class your story about your grandparent", the teacher said.
"Goodmorning everyone", Steven begins. " My grandpa is a very wise man. He has the answer to everything. He has been married for almost 50 years now. So I asked him , what was his secret. He looked at me, thought a bit and began. son there only one single thing to a good marriage...."
The whole class seemed to hold their breath. Everything seemed to stand still.
" And when I find out what that is, I will get married again".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young Chinese man is asking a wise monk:
"Master Chong-Li, why does everyone think we Asian people all look the same?"
and he responds: "Who the h**... is master Chong-Li?"
A man once challenged everyone that he can answer all questions with just two sentences.
The man claimed that all questions can be answered by either "None of your business" or "None of my business".
Then a wise man came to him, and asked, "Don't you think answering questions like that make people unhappy?"
The man replied with "None of my business."
The wise man then asked again, "Do you think you are the most clever person on the Earth?"
The man simply told him "None of your business."
And the wise man smiled, asked politely, "Do you know I slept with your wife?"
I hear that Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, absolutely loves to take part in Nativity plays. He's played a shepherd, the inn keeper and one year, he even played the rear end of the donkey...
But he never made it as a wise man
A Submarine Captain is walking down the street...
... when he sees a Buddhist monk fixing a fence.
"Hey mister, I'm having some trouble running my submarine. None of my crew like me. You're a wise man, what would you suggest?" asked the Captain.
"Make sure to switch everybody's positions very often" said the monk.
"Why?" said the Captain.
The monk replied "You'd be surprised at the amount of karma you get from reposting."
A boy looks longingly to the distant islands
He wants to run away to the islands but the only problem is he's got no money. He walks over to his wise old neighbor and asks him for advice on how to get to there.
The old man says, well these woods here have magical pixies that have a special dust. If you get their dust you could just fly there! The only problem is they don't just give it out for free. You're gonna want to sneak up on 'em.
The boy nods his head in disbelief.
The old man says, So, I guess your options are you hire a boat, or catch a fairy!
A wise man telling a young man
A wise man once told his son, 'Never marry a beautiful woman.'
The son asked, 'Why?'
The wise man answered, 'Because she can leave you whenever she wants to find someone else.'
The son said, 'Well can't an ugly woman do that too.'
'Yes', said the wise man, 'but then you won't care.'
