Wise Man Jokes
125 wise man jokes and hilarious wise man puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wise man that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Wise Man Short Jokes
Short wise man jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wise man humour may include short wisdom man jokes also.
- Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?" "I am not Master Akira."
- Go away bee, don't bother me. A wise man once told me, if a bee is bothering you, don't swat or run away, just stand still and look right at it, because seeing is believing.
- A wise man once said... "If you make a woman laugh, you've half-undressed her."
However, if you half-undress and she laughs, that's a different thing altogether. - A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man: "Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?" "I am not Master Ayumu."
- A man who recogizes his mistakes when wrong is wise. A man that recognizes his mistake when he is right is... Married.
- A wise saying Build a fire for a man, and he will be warm for a day.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his liffe. - A man asked a wise Guru: "What is the secret to eternal happiness?" The wise Guru answered: "To not argue with fools."
The man says: "I disagree."
The wise Guru replied: "Yes, you are right." - Mistaken Identity A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man: - "Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?" - "I am not Master Ayumu."
- A wise man once said, "Nothing worth doing is without risk..." Well, he almost did, but he was worried someone might laugh.
- The wise Master Akira Up the mountain a japanese asked a wise man, "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we Japanese, all look alike?"
"I am not Master Akira"
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Wise Man One Liners
Which wise man one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wise man? I can suggest the ones about wise guy and rich man.
- As a wise man once said, "Don't quote me on this."
- A wise man once told his wife… Absolutely nothing! Because he was a wise man…
- A wise man once told his wife... ..nothing.
I told you he was a wise man. - A wise man once said to his wife Nothing.
Because he was a wise man - A wise man once said... ..."mom, I want some candies"
- A wise man one said to me Love is Grand but divorce is 100 Grand
- A wise man once told me to never give up on my dreams. That is why I keep sleeping.
- "Don't give me the chicken, instead teach me how to lay eggs." Once a wise man said.
- A wise man once said... Nothing, he only listened.
- What did the wise man say to the fat guy? You should probably go on a diet.
- What did the wise man say to the science class? Many photons make light work.
- A wise man buys his wife fine china, so she won't trust him to wash it.
- A wise man said to his wife
- A wise chinese man once said to me: "A day without sunshine is just a cloudy day."
- A wise man once told me, "Screw Perfect." 40 years later and I still haven't found her.
A Wise Man Once Said Jokes
Here is a list of funny a wise man once said jokes and even better a wise man once said puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- On old wise Chinese man once said: Better to have a hole in your hand than a hand in your hole.
- A wise man once said Life becomes much more peaceful when you realize you are not responsible for the projections of others. …the movie theater manager then proceeded to reconsider his career.
- My wife asked me if these pants make her look fat. Being a wise man, I said Yes!
It's all the pants' fault. - When is the only time a woman says something smart? When her sentence starts with "A wise man once said"
- This just in. Words said by the very first old wise man have been discovered. Quote: What's going on here?
- A wise man once said, "There is safety in numbers". Yeah?! Well, tell that one to six million Jews!
- A wise man once said that He doesn't want to be anonymous
- As a wise man once said: "As a wise man once said"
- a wise man once said
- Wise Chinese saying A wise Chinese man once said: "If the dog is still barking, it is under cooked."
Wise Man Once Said Jokes
Here is a list of funny wise man once said jokes and even better wise man once said puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A Wise Man Once Said Something I don't know what he said, just that he said something.
- A wise man once said that nothing really dies, it just comes back in a new form Then he died.
- A wise man once said that ice on the ground is great. He fell
- Words of wisdom A wise man once said "I give you the gift of frankincense."
- A wise man once said nothing. He let her vent, and then they had s**....
- A wise man once said... Man who fish in other mans well catch many c**....
Wise Man Say Jokes
Here is a list of funny wise man say jokes and even better wise man say puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Belated holiday joke Q: What did the 3 Wise Men say to the crazy man?
A: "You make no Frankincense!!" - How do you tell if a homeless man has a girlfriend? It's easy, he's got 2 clean fingers.
You can say mechanic, plumber, welder etc. This joke has versatility, use it wisely. - Wise man say... Man who passes gas in church sits in own pew.
- A wise man told me that the mobile network carrier you choose says a lot about your life No wonder I use v**... Mobile.
- The wise man say That violence is not the answer, when mosquito lands on t**....
Uproarious Wise Man Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about wise man you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean strong man jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wise man pranks.
While vacationing in a remote area of Alaska, I met an old mountain man, wise in the ways one need be to live in an extreme wilderness area like he did.
I asked him about the weater, did it rain a lot? He said;
"See those mountains over there" and he pointed to them."
I replied, "Yes."
"Well," he replied, ".. if you can't see those mountains, that means it's raining. If you can see them, that means it's going to rain."
Wise Master Akira
A Japanese man asked his master:
"Master Akira, why does everybody think that we all look the same?"
And he answered:
"I am not Master Akira."
So god asked 3 guys...
Three men die and end up meeting god.
God greets each of them personally and says their hellos. God then asks each one of them an important question.
"Each of you must choose one thing to have in a room for a thousand years. Choose wisely."
God asks the first man..."I want all the booze I can have god!" His wish is granted.
God asks the second man..."I want all the women in the world god!" His wish is granted.
God asks the third man..."I want all the w**... in the world!" His wish is granted.
1000 years go by.
The first man stumbles out falling left and right with a giant bottle of beer in his hand.
The second man comes out looking exhausted yet satisfied.
The third man is curled in the fetal position in the corner of the room, rocking back and forth. God comes over to him and asks him what's wrong.
"Can I have a light."
Choose Wisely...
A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."
So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.
Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.
Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in e**... and sipping coffee.
"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.
A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"
s**... Appetite
The banker saw his old friend Harry, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town one day. Harry had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying again.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Harry if the rumor was true. Harry assured him that it was.
The banker then asked Harry the age of his new bride to be.
Harry proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in this December."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the s**... appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's later years to be happy ones, the banker tactfully suggested that Harry should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Harry thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Harry in town again.
"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Harry proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advise had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Harry said, "She's pregnant too!"
Two Dogs (From the movie Silkwood)
A young brave visits the chief of the tribe with a question. "Wise one, is it true you name all the members of the tribe, and if so, how is it done?"
The venerable old man replies "Yes, for over 20 years I have named each person who is born to the tribe. I sit outside the lodge, and when I hear the infants' first cry, I open my eyes and the first thing I see becomes the name. So it was with your brother Big Bear, your sister Singing Bird, your cousin Blue Cloud, and so on."
"But tell me, Two Dogs F**king...... why do you ask?"
A black man gets lost on an indian reservation
So he stops at an old general store for directions. Upon pulling up to the store he is met by an old, wise Najavo man sitting in a rocking chair on the porch. He approaches the man and asks "excuse me, but how do I get back onto the interstate?"
The old sage thinks for a moment, and in traditional Najavo style he points with his lips instead of his hands. "Go down that road, take a left, past the barn. Ya can't miss it"
The black man smiles and decides to play along. "I get it. Down that road, left, past the barn", he says proudly, pointing with his lips.
"No", replies the indian. "Not that far".
In a theater
A man is stretched out on his back across four seats in a theater. The usher comes down and says, Mister, you will have to get out of those four seats. You are only entitled to one.
The man only grunts and does not move. The manager comes down and says to the man, Mister, you will have to get up. All you are entitled to is one seat. The man grunts and does not move.
Finally a policeman is called in. He walks down the aisle and says to the man who is still on the four seats, Get out of those seats!
The man grunts, and policeman says, Okay, wise guy, where are you from? The man moans and says, The balcony.
a famous p**...
*A famous p**... died. People were confused as to what should be written on her grave. Finally, on the advice of a wise man, they wrote: AT LAST SHE SLEPT ALONE!!!
Variations of a nail joke. (Heard at a Ren Faire, modified)
The Goldman Nails company is trying to bolster business. They start a contest to create an advertisement for the business. The first submission is from an older lady.
It starts with a man with a beard in a white robe hammering away at wood. The shot pulls back to reveal an massive wooden ship and the figure turns and says "I'm Noah and I use Goldman Nails."
The second submission is from an elderly gentleman. It opens with a king sitting surrounded by men working on a great temple. The king says "I am king Solomon and all of my men wisely use Goldman Nails."
The last submission was by little Johnny. It opens on a desert. A man runs across the screen. He has a crown of thorns on this head and blood is coming out of his side. It is clearly Jesus. He runs off and two Roman Centurions run into focus. They look at each other; winded, one says to the other "We should have used Goldman's nails"
Two Engineers were walking to class..
When one asks the other..
Engineer 1: "Hey man that is a nice bike, where did you get it?
Engineer 2: "The strangest thing happened to me yesterday. A girl rode over to me on this bike and suddenly dropped it in front of me. She then took off all her clothes and said, "You can have it all!" So I took the bike."
Engineer 1: "That was a wise choice, her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyways."
why do women enjoy s**... more than men
why do women enjoy s**... more than men
A wise man said : "When you have an itchy ears , and then you put your finger in your ear and scartch
which one feel better your finger or your ear ?"
So 3 wise men go to see baby Jesus
and the first wise man shows up and gives baby Jesus some Gold.
The second wise man shows up and gives him some Frakensense.
The third wise man shows up and says "But wait, theres myrrh!"
An old man walks into a dollar store.
He walks up to the cashier empty handed.
"Aren't you going to buy anything?" asks the cashier?
"No, I'm only here to preach the need for change," says the old man smugly.
Exasperated, the cashier asks, "what are you, a wise guy?"
The old man responds, "no, I'm a pundit"."
I asked a wise man about the secrets to success..
He explained "There are two things in the world that you need to know to be successful. The first is never tell anyone everything you know"
A wise old man once told me...
...to bend over.
Wise Men
Sea man came across a woman, there was a lot of cleaning up
A wise man once told me that you should love with your heart and use your head for everything else
He died of a concussion
Wise words from a Gravestone
In life... a man needs a woman he can laugh with,
a woman who will cook for him,
a woman who he can enjoys life's adventures with,
and it's super important that these women never meet,
Otherwise you will end up in the ground like me.
A man had 3 problems...
A man had 3 problems:
1: He was very poor
2: He had no children with his wife
3: His mother was blind
An angel appeared to him and asked him to make a wish. Just one. Now his wife wants a child, his mother wants to see and he wants to be rich...
Ah, what embarrassment!
After reflecting a bit, he said wisely to the angel:
"I just want my mother to see my children eating in golden plates."
Why wasn't Jesus born in X Country?
He couldnt find 3 wise man and a virigin
My granddad was a wise man...
...he told me that you can't find happiness all by yourself. To live a truly happy life you need to be in a fulfilling relationship. You need to find a wife that loves you unconditionally, a wife that challenges you on a daily basis, a wife that you always want to make love to and most importantly you must make sure that they'll never meet.
A foolish man gives his wife a grand piano...
... A wise man gives his wife an upright o**....
A wise man once told me
"Don't quote me on this"
Walking home drunk
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.
A fool does last what a wise man does first. -unknown
Looks like my chances of getting laid improve dramatically the older I get. Sweet!
Why was the American mailman singing...
Why was the American mailman singing "never made it as a wise man, I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing"?
Because the USPS wants it's Nickleback.
Posted a casting call for our nativity online
Still looking for wise men but we have plenty of women who don't need no man to bear a child
A lecturer had reached one of his most important points
"He who gives in when he is wrong is wise: but the man who gives in when he is right is..."
"Married," someone shouted from the audience.
George W. Bush found a magic lamp.
What do you want from me, mr. Bush? asks the genie.
I regret a lot of stuff. I just want people to see me as wise, rightful man.
And that was the moment when Trump won the election.
A foolish man complains about his torn pockets
A wise man uses them to scratch his b**....
An angel appears to a man in a dream...
The angel offers him a choice - He can have the Wisdom of Solomon, or $50,000,000. Believing that this was a test from God, the man choses Wisdom.
The next morning, the man is having breakfast with his friends and he recants the story to them. When he's finished, one friend says, If you're so wise now, then tell us some words of wisdom.
The man says, I should have taken the money.
A young man turns 21 and decides to change his name.
He goes to the village wise man and explains what he wants.
"You do realize that, in our village, it is a tradition for the father to name a child after the first thing he sees after the child is born, don't you?" The young man nods.
"That is why your older sister is named 'Flying Dove.'" The young man nods.
"And that is also why your younger brother is named 'Running Deer.'" The young man nods.
"So, I don't understand why you would want to change your name, 'Two Dogs f**...'!"
Did you know one of the 3 wise men came from the ocean?
It wasn't the gold-man.
Not the frankincense-man.
It was the myrrh-man.
A wise man is walking through a market with a bag of gold.
As he passes the various sellers, a merchant quickly lights some incense and a beautiful aroma fills the air. It's frankincense, the merchant says. The best in the land.
The wise man gets some and is about to leave when the merchant calls out, But wait ... there's myrrh!
A wise man once told me, Martinis are like b**......
One is not enough, but three are WAY too many.
The secret to a good marriage
It was grandparents day at school.
"Steven, please come up here and tell the class your story about your grandparent", the teacher said.
"Goodmorning everyone", Steven begins. " My grandpa is a very wise man. He has the answer to everything. He has been married for almost 50 years now. So I asked him , what was his secret. He looked at me, thought a bit and began. son there only one single thing to a good marriage...."
The whole class seemed to hold their breath. Everything seemed to stand still.
" And when I find out what that is, I will get married again".
A young Chinese man is asking a wise monk:
"Master Chong-Li, why does everyone think we Asian people all look the same?"
and he responds: "Who the h**... is master Chong-Li?"
A man once challenged everyone that he can answer all questions with just two sentences.
The man claimed that all questions can be answered by either "None of your business" or "None of my business".
Then a wise man came to him, and asked, "Don't you think answering questions like that make people unhappy?"
The man replied with "None of my business."
The wise man then asked again, "Do you think you are the most clever person on the Earth?"
The man simply told him "None of your business."
And the wise man smiled, asked politely, "Do you know I slept with your wife?"
I hear that Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, absolutely loves to take part in Nativity plays. He's played a shepherd, the inn keeper and one year, he even played the rear end of the donkey...
But he never made it as a wise man
The lesser-known fourth Wise Man brought baby Jesus the gift of protein powder.
It was a whey in a manger.
A Submarine Captain is walking down the street...
... when he sees a Buddhist monk fixing a fence.
"Hey mister, I'm having some trouble running my submarine. None of my crew like me. You're a wise man, what would you suggest?" asked the Captain.
"Make sure to switch everybody's positions very often" said the monk.
"Why?" said the Captain.
The monk replied "You'd be surprised at the amount of karma you get from reposting."
