Wipe Jokes
105 wipe jokes and hilarious wipe puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wipe that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Wipe jokes are a hilarious way to make light of the most mundane household tasks. Find out which of your friends gets the jokes, and who's left perplexed, as we explore the wild world of wipe puns, one-liners, and pop-culture references. Learn the lingo and discover why everyone loves to make fun of the wet wipe, baby wipe, wipe out, ply, bidet, and wiper.
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Funniest Wipe Short Jokes
Short wipe jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wipe humour may include short erase jokes also.
- Wife: Do men wipe after they pee? Aging husband: Yes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wall…..
- The population of the countryside were almost wiped out entirely by a rare breed of ticks that live and breed inside the mouths of Alpacas. The survivors now live in a post Alpaca lip tick wasteland.
- They told him: your girlfriend is cheating on you.. He wiped away his tears & asked : Which one ?
- My friend is in jail for something he didn't do. He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.
- Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn't tried wiping their but with an IPad.
- I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today! I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
- 5yr old: Daddy I'm mad at you! Me : Why?
5: You know why!
Wife: [wipes tear] They grow up so fast. - The average person has s**... 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
- Wiping with only one square of toilet paper is a meditative experience.... You really get in touch with your inner self.
- I don't know what you do when you come across a bear, But I just wipe it off and apologize.
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Wipe One Liners
Which wipe one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wipe? I can suggest the ones about wash and clean.
- What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologise.
- I got into a one-sided fight with a mop Wiped the floor with it.
- What do you do when you come across an elephant? Wipe it off and apologize.
- How does a blind man tell if he's done wiping? Taste test
- How did Captain Hook die? He wiped with the wrong hand
- What do you do if you come across a lion in the jungle? Wipe it off and say you're sorry.
- "Where would I be without my mom?" Probably, wiped off on a tissue and thrown away
- What did the ancient Egyptians wipe their butts with? Poopyrus.
- Dinosaurs really got wiped out by a rock Shoulda picked paper
- How is Thanos and a feminist similar? They both wanna wipe out half the world
- I came upon a woman in the park So she wiped it off and called the police.
- I just came across a tiger in a jungle. I immediately wiped it off and apologised.
- What do you call it when a girl wipes back to front? A Choco-Taco
- I came, I saw, I wiped it off and I apologised.
- What did Van Gogh's mother say to him when he was sad? Wipe away those ears.
Wipe Tears Jokes
Here is a list of funny wipe tears jokes and even better wipe tears puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My girlfriend started crying because I called her fake So I wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too
- Dad here: Why did the psychic get fired? Because she didn't see it coming.
Hahahahahahahahahaha *pause* hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
*wipes tears from eyes*
Where'd everybody go? - Nobody is above the LaHAHAHAHAHAhahahaha! Oh god. I almost got through it without laughing. *wipes tear*
Wet Wipe Jokes
Here is a list of funny wet wipe jokes and even better wet wipe puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Who brings Purell and wet wipes to all the good little OCD girls and boys? Sani Claus.
- I am attracted to houses. When I came into my friends' house, she looked at me, absolutely disgusted and gave me an acidic wet wipe to clean up with.
- Make-up... The awkward moment when you can wipe out 95% of her beauty with a wet napkin
Wipe Out Jokes
Here is a list of funny wipe out jokes and even better wipe out puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Good news! I read that people aren't hoarding toilet paper anymore, Guess we wiped out that tissue, I mean, issue.
- Dinosaur Fact Towards the end of the Jurassic period, the Thesaurus was the first Dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.
- If I had a dollar for every time I stepped on the cat when I arrived home... I could afford to wipe my shoes on a proper door mat
- I returned to the genie and asked him why he turned me into a 11ft giant who gets his backside wiped every time he farts. He said, "You wished to live longer and be treated like royalty."
- LPT: If you ever find that your hard drive has been wiped, don't worry! Just call the NSA, they'll have have all your information backed up
- I came across an old family photo this morning. Then I had to wipe it up before anyone got home.
- What do the bad parts of American history and common sense have in common? They are being wiped from existence.
- I hate when I'm wiping and my finger goes through the paper. Happens every time! That aside, my new job at the old people's home is going well.
- My mom told me to wipe all surfaces in the bathroom. When it came to the windows, I was a surface pro.
- What do you do when you come across a bear in the woods? Wipe him off and say you're sorry.
Hilarious Fun Wipe Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
What funny jokes about wipe you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean scratch jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wipe pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girls night out
Two young married women were having a girls night out on the town. Walking home from the bar they both realized they needed to pee. They saw a cemetary across the street and decided to go behind the headstones. Having nothing to wipe with, the first girl takes off her p**..., wipes, then tosses them. The second girl doesn't want to toss her expensive p**... so she grabs a card out of some flowers and uses that. Giggling, they continue home.
The next morning the husband of the first girl calls the husband of the second and says "these girls nights out have to stop! My wife came home without her underwear last night!" The second husband says "you think that's bad, my wife came home with a card between her butcheeks that said We'll all miss you! Lots of love, the guys at firestation #19!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There are 2 kinds in n**... models...
...those who wipe properly, and those who don't.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This joke is offensive to feminists.
What do you do when you come across a feminist in the back hallway of a club?
Whatever you do, definitely do not wipe it off for her.
President Putin say's he is doing everything he can to wipe out Aids
Researchers.
(What too soon?)
Do Indians wipe or wash after no.2?
Neither. Because it doesn't show.
What do you use to wipe off a table after breakfast?
A ragamuffin.
Knew it was a dadjoke as soon as I saw my 9 year old roll his eyes.
Why do Indian people use water to wipe
Because they can't put out a fire with paper
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A nun joke.
A young nun has a man sneak into her room and r**... her. When the man leaves the young nun runs to the mother superior and tells her what happened.
"Quick, s**... on this lemon" The mother superior tells her, handing her half a lemon.
"Will that stop me getting pregnant?" Says the young nun.
"No" says the mother superior "but it will wipe that smile off your face."
How does a bear wipe in the woods?
With his bear hands.
A marine returns from Afghanistan without arms, walks into a bar...
The bartender, who's a former Marine, sees the guy's SemperFi tattoo and shoves the foaming glass in front of him. "This one is on the house bro", he says.
"Thanks man," said the customer.
"Look, I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure," said the bartender, and he did.
"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind ad to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."
"Certainly. Anything for a fellow Marine" And it was done.
"If," said the armless man, "You'd reach in my right-hand pants pocket, you'll find my smokes, could you please..."
The bartender gets his pack out and lights one up for him.
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"
"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner."
Just made this up!
An egg walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender gives him a drink and the egg downs it, seeming unimpressed and says, "bartender, how about another twice as strong! "
the bartender mixes another, stronger drink and gives it to the egg. The egg downs that one just the same, and again asks for a third drink, twice as strong as the last one.
The bartender, now feeling offended pours a tall stiff drink that was certain to wipe the smug look off the egg's mouth.
The egg drank this one in the same confident manner, but then his look soured.
The bartender was glad to see the change in mood, but just then, the egg throws up everything inside of it, all over the bartender.
Now, furious, the bartender starts to jump over the bar and handle business, but the egg stops him and says, "calm down, it's just a yolk! "
How do you clean a seat for a woman?
Wipe your face
So if Jewish and born via Cesarian,
For passover do you wipe lamb's blood over the windows?
Two neighbors get into a heated argument.
It culminates into one of them yelling: "You know what I'll do? I'll get up really early and write 'IDIOT' on your door!".
To which the other replies: "Go ahead, I'll get up even earlier and wipe it off!".
What do you call using Tinder while you are in the bathroom?
A swipe and wipe.
They should make Star Trek toilet paper...
...so you can help wipe Klingons off Uranus.
(been a while since this one's been around. Just heard it again today from my 5 year old niece)
I told my mom I was going to go work the polls.
She replied, "don't forget to wipe it down before you start your set."
So, my wife installed Windows 10 on my desktop.
That's it. That's the joke. Now I have to wipe the hard drive and reload everything.
!&÷$#*choice_words♡*!@#
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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I came across an old photo of my mother today...
but she caught me doing it and screamed at me to wipe it off.
I ran out of toilet paper at Hartsfield/ATL. Then I remembered my mom had told me I could use pages from a book in a pinch.
I gotta say...it's really hard to wipe with an e-book.
If you don't have the strength to stand up, remember that
wipe begins at the end of your comfort zone.
What do you do when you're...
...walking in The Congo and you come across a 500lb Silverback Gorrilla?
wipe it off. Very, very, carefully.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did h**... do when he spilt his drink?
Grabbed a cloth to wipe out the Juice.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 Woman go drinking...
after a lot of drinks they decide to head home but on the way realise they have to use a bathroom but as its late there is no one to be found.
So both decided to head for the local cementary...as they had nothing to wipe, the first woman decides to sacrifice her p**....
The second one had really expensive p**... so she just grabbed a ribbon from a nearby grave and both head home.
The next morning both husbands meet:
"This has to stop, my wife came home without p**...!"
"You think THAT is bad? Mine had a pice of ribbon in hers that reads "from all of us at the police station - we will never forget you.""
Memory wipe
"We've divided the population as you requested, Mr. President" announced the assistant "we just need your approval for the memory wipe".
"Wipe the memories from the groups 1 to 8" replied the president, "leave group 9 alone but wipe group 10 too"
"Sir, you want us to wipe groups 1 through 8 and then 10, but not 9? Group 9 refers to... children born between 1990 and 1999, why should they be left with their memories?"
The president looked out at the world from the window.
"Only 90's kids will remember this"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's s**... when people say God hates homosexuals
If he did, wouldn't he devise some plague to wipe them out?
You can't put a load of rockstars up on a stage and expect to wipe out global poverty.
Thats ludicrous
Justin Timberlake came on my radio the other day
I politely asked him to wipe it off.
Don't you hate it when there's no toilet paper in your stall . .
and you have to ask the person in the next stall to come over and wipe you.
Technology...
Two guys... Hey do you think that someday technology will replace paper?... Well I think it will be quite hard to wipe with a tablet...
I used to be a stand up guy
Now I just stay seated when I wipe.
Do you ever go to wipe and your fingers rip through the toilet paper?
Sometimes I hate my job in the nursing home.
If you're in the jungle and you come across a poacher, what should you do?
Wipe it off and apologize
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the best thing about p**... before a shower?
.
.
You don't have to wipe!
Thanos once tried to wipe out half of the DC universe.
Access denied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why couldn't the poor black man afford toilet paper?
Wipe privilege...
When going to the toilet, would you rather use the left or right hand to wipe your buthole
I would personally rather use the toilet paper.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught m**... on the first day,
luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean.
To wipe a comupter's memory, you press
ALT+zeimers
"We divided the population as you requested Mr. President", announced the assistant at the door,"so we're just waiting for your approval on the memory wipe"
"Wipe the memories of groups 1-8, leave 9 and wipe 10 too." "Why leave 9 sir? 9 refers to children born between 1990 and 1999, why should they be left with their memories?"
The president looked out of the window
"Only 90s kids will remember this."
call me old fashioned but in my day gender fluid was something you could wipe off your girlfriends chest
Somebody want to tell me who I stole this off?
I was caught doing it with a student.
I'm trying to wipe the slate clean.
I came across my friend who was working as a mall santa
I had to help him wipe it off before his shift started.
An avalanche has started on Mount Everest that threatens to wipe out 20% of its surrounding area.
This is snow joke.
What do you do if come across a camel?
Wipe it off and say sorry
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Walking home after a girls' night out, two rather drunk women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.
The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her p**...!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her b**... cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee...
The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.
Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her p**...!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her b**... cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a donkey cleaning your windows
An a**... wipe
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two tipsy women sneak into a graveyard to pee one night.
Once done, one uses her p**... to wipe with and throws them away, the other uses a ribbon from a nearby wreath.
The next day one husband called the other: "My wife came home last night without any p**...!"
"That's nothing!" The other replied, "My wife had a card stuck between her b**... cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I try to learn from my mistakes,
but it's hard when they can't even wipe their own a**....
A man walks into a church confessional
He says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night."
The priest is silent for a moment and then says, "Go home, cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it all down in one gulp."
"And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man.
"No" replies the priest, "but it will wipe that smirk off your face."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men are deep in the woods, hunting, when one of them realizes he has to p**....
He turns to the other man, and says "What do I use to wipe myself?" "Use a dollar, then toss it in the bush" the other man replies. So after about twenty minutes, man number one comes back, covered in s**.... His hunting partner, filled with surprise and disgust, said "What happened?! I thought I told you to use a dollar!" To which the man replied "I did! Three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 wives go on a girls night out
On the way home they both need the toilet, so decide to stop at a graveyard, but they have nothing to wipe with.
The first takes off her p**... and uses them, while the other takes a wreath and uses that.
The next day, one of their husbands calls the other and says:
"No more girls nights out. My wife came home with no p**.... "
The other husband says:
"Thats nothing. Mine came home with a card in her crack that said 'from all of us at the fire station, we will never forget you. "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A prison inmate is talking to his new cell mate
A prison inmate is talking to his new cell mate.
Inmate #1: so, why are you here?
Inmate #2: I'm in prison for something I didn't do.
Inmate #1: yeah?
Inmate #2: yea, I didn't wipe off the fingerprints from the m**... weapon.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lawyer, an environmentalist and a teacher were going the bathroom.
The lawyer gets done, washes his hands and uses the entire roll of tissue paper to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be thorough.", he said.
The environmentalist washes his hands and uses his own kerchief to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be environment friendly.", he said.
The teacher walks out without washing his hands. "I was taught not to p**... on my hands.", he says.
What should you do when you come across a bear in the woods?
>!Back slowly away while apologizing to the bear. Offer him a towel to wipe off.!<
