winter Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious winter puns

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

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Why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?

Swarm

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Give a man a jacket

He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.

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Finally my winter fat is gone

Now I have spring rolls

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A cowboy rides in to town

A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a deadly calm says, "I'm going to count to three. If I get to three, I'm going to do what I did in the Winter of 76'." The whole bar freezes in terror at the cowboy.

"**ONE**"

No one moves a muscle.

"**TWO**"""

Everyone's extremely nervous at this point.

"**READY OR NOT.... THR--**"

All of a sudden someone in the back stands up and says, "Hold on buddy! It was just a joke! your horse is in the back alley!" The cowboy smiles and starts to leave the canteen. The same guy who stood up calls out, "Hey! I just gotta know, what happened in the Winter of '76???" The cowboy turns around and says to him, "I had to walk home."

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Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: Windows frozen, won't open.

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap the edges with a hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

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Latvian man die and go to hell

Latvian man die and go to hell.

Once there, devil punish. He say: Man, go burn in lake of fire.

But man is warm. Man is happy.

So devil make lake even hotter. But man now warmer. Now he is even more happy.

Devil get angry. So freeze fire lake into ice lake. Now lake is colder than coldest Latvian winter. But Latvia man now most happy!
He say, "Devil! Hell is freeze over! Latvia is finally happiest country!"

But is not true. Is only story. Also, man not in hell, only Latvia.

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Snow wife.

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"



With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

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The chief of a tribe in Mexico dies.

His son is now the chief. Since he never learned the ways of his forefathers to predict winters, when he gets asked what should the tribe do, he just tells them to collect firewood. He then goes to the National Weather Station in Mexico and asks them how bad winter is going to be. They tell him; "It looks like it will be pretty bad". Shocked, he goes back to his tribe and tells them to gather more firewood. He goes back to the weather station and asks them again if winter will be bad. They answer, "It is going to be one of the worst winters in a decade." The Chief goes back to the village and tells them to gather more firewood. Then he goes for a third time to the weather station and asks them again, "will the winter be bad?" They respond, "It will be the worst winter in a century." The chief asks them, "How do you know winter will be bad?" They answer, "Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"

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Why don't women wear skirts in the winter?

Chapped lips

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There are only two seasons in Russia:

Winter and nuclear winter.

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One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet

During winter war soviet general hears someone shouting from wood - "One finnish soldier is better than ten soviet". Angry general sends ten man to deal with annoying Fin. After short period of shots and dying soviets screams, comes another shout - "One finnish soldier is better than hundred soviet". General sends hundred soldier and again none of them comes back. Then general hears third shout - "One finnish soldier is better than thousand soviets". Furious general sends thousand man to deal with him. This time one of his soldiers manage to survive and reports to general - "Sir, please don't send more our troops, it's a trap, there's two of them".

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The Frozen Bird

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and shit on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

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she can't open windows.

On a cold winter morning, while her husband is away on business, a wife has a problem at home and sends a text message to her husband:

Windows frozen, it won't open


Husband texts back:
Pour boiling water over it inside and outside


Five minutes later, wife texts back.


Computer's really screwed up now...

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Animals: Winter is here, we need a plan to survive.

Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

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A man is charged with a felony...

The man and his family are too poor to post bail. The man gets a letter from his father that reads:

"It is so unfortunate that you are in jail right now, every year at this time we used to turn the soil before winter so that we could plant and grow tomatoes next year. I don't think I'll be able to do it by myself but I will try my best.

Much love,

Father"

The man reads the message and immediately writes a response from jail:

"DON'T TURN THE SOIL IN OUR TOMATO PATCH!!!! It's where I buried the evidence!!!"

Two hours later a team of government investigators show up at the father's house stating that based on evidence scanned through the man's letter, there are reasonable ground to search the tomato patch for evidence. The investigators dig up the entire patch... But find nothing. They apologize to the father and leave. The man sees the investigation come back and writes to his father:

"Looks like we'll be having tomatoes next year after all!"

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Why does it suck to work for the NSA during the winter?

Because if it snows, you can't call and say you're snowed in.

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My wife texted me while I was at work this cold winter morning, "Windows frozen."

I texted back, "Pour some lukewarm water over it."

She replied, "Computer completely fucked now."

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Told my boss he needs winter tires

Got fired. Apparently that's something offensive to say to people in wheelchairs.

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We've had a horrible winter this year.

It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.

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A Norwegian Love Story

Max and Arlene lived by a lake in Norway. It was early winter and the lake had frozen over.

Max asked Arlene if she would walk across the frozen lake to the general store to get him some beer. She asked him for some money but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab."

So Arlene walked across, got the beer at the general store, and walked back home across the lake. When she got home and gave Max his beer, she asked him, "Max, you always tell me not to run up the tab at the store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"

Max replied, "I wasn't sure how thick the ice was yet."

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Why does the NSA hate the winter?

They got snowed in.

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Give a man a jacket

Give a man a jacket and he can leave the house during Winter.

Teach a man to jack it and he'll never leave the house.

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I'm from a future where Trump won re-election and solved Global Warming

Just a heads up though, nuclear winter is a bit chilly.

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A Russian man lives all alone in a cabin

One day, someone from the government shows up and tells him that due to a map surveyor's error in the 1940s, the cabin he lives in was mistakenly marked as part of Russia, but in fact, it's actually a part of Belarus.

"Oh thank God!" the man exclaims. "I don't think I would have been able to stand another Russian winter here."

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A little blue bird was flying south for the Winter

A little blue bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large hay field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and took a dump on him. As the frozen blue bird lay there in the heap of steaming pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you are in deep shit, it is best to keep your mouth shut!

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Why do programmers love winter?

Because there are no bugs...

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What's white, cold, falling in winter and ending with "bass" ?

The snow, dumbass.

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How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?

They're both flying information.

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Morals from a Pile of Shit

Once upon a time, there was a stubborn sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south.

In a short time ice began to form on his wings. He tried to fly quicker to warmer air, but his wings kept freezing until he finally fell to the earth in a small barnyard. Almost frozen, unaware of where he was, a cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was surely the end.

But, the manure began to warm him. Soon, his wings were completely defrosted. Warm and happy, able to breathe and able to move again, he started to sing out loud in joy. Just then, a large cat came by to investigate where these familiar sounds were coming from. Soon enough, the cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and ate him.

~The Morals to this story?

*Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.

*Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.

*And the most important thing? Well, if you're warm and happy in your nice steaming pile of shit, keep your fucking mouth shut!!!

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Finally my winter fat is gone...

Now I have spring rolls.

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Winter weather emergency

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in the back woods of Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow plows can get through conveniently".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." And the power goes off.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

With all the love and understanding that men who are married to blondes (and those with grey hair) always exhibit, the husband replied, "Honey, why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

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Give a man a jacket

And he'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket and he'll never leave the house.

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What's the worst part about pissing outside in the winter?

Getting a 2 inch dick out of 3 inches of clothing.

Stay warm out there!

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Winter is like the Justin Bieber of seasons...

It was kind of cute and exciting when it first started out, now its a bit obnoxious and should probably just stay in Canada.

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Vacation

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband. The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message: To My Loving Wife: I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Your Devoted Husband. P. S. Sure is hot down here.

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How national weather service predicts weather.

It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the weather man responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied,
'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy.'

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The Winter Olympics.

Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.

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Snowy week.

One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

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Wrong Email

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

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Keep Your Mouth Shut!!

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story are:

Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

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Lazy vultures

Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."

"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"

"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."

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Give a man a jacket, and he'll be warm for all winter

Teach a man to jack it, and he won't need to go outside!

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Why do black people get hit by cars more during winter time?

Because they're easier to spot

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Trump is trying to solve global warming

That's why he's trying to create a nuclear winter

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Wife calls her husband at work..

"Windows froze. Can't get anything open"

Husband says, "happens sometimes in the winter. Get a bucket of warm water and dump it all over and it should open fine"

Wife calls back ten minutes later and says "computer's fucked."

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Two men are sat waiting for a bus in Wales.

The older one turns to the younger one and says "Do you see those old mines down there in the valley? Twenty years I spent down there, man and boy, quarrying the coal out of the rock. Without me none of the houses up there would have had coal for the winter. And do they call me Dewey the Coal Miner? No.

And do you see the railway line going over the hilltop? I used to drive the trains along that line every day for fifteen years. I used to take people all over the place, and bring letters and parcels from friends and family far away. And do they call me Dewey the Train Driver? No.

And do you see that little chapel up there on the hill? I was the organist there. Forty five years I spent, every week leading the faithful in worship there. And do they call me Dewey the Organist? Oh no.

But you shag one bloody sheep..."

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My favorite winter Olympic sport is women's curling...

Because it's the one time every four years I can yell, sweep harder at a woman, and no one thinks it's because I'm a sexist pig.

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A Finnish Soldier...

In the winter war in 1945 is getting in line for a rifle. The man behind the counter says "sorry, the guy in front of you got the last one. Here, take this hockey stick, and if you see a Russian, point it at him and yell BANG!" The Finn finds this ridiculous but takes it, thinking he'll just fix a bayonet on the thing and fight like that.
As he gets to the bayonet counter, the guy in front of him gets the last one. Instead, he is given a piece of wood about six inches long with the instructions to yell STAB! every time someone is within arms length.
Feeling horribly unprepared, he heads out to battle with his platoon. Shortly, they become separated by snow and wind, and he is left alone with no weapon. A Russian comes over a snowdrift. Desperately, the man throws up his hockey stick and yells BANG! The Russian drops.
So he fights all through the day, yelling BANG and STAB at his will and dropping the enemy like flies. Late in the day, a huge Russian soldier comes plodding toward the man slowly. Feeling confident, the man fires his hockey stick to no effect. He tries a couple more times. Nothing.
Desperately, he throws his small piece of wood at the man, but it just bounces off. Suddenly, the earth around him explodes and he goes flying. Just as he is about to die, the Russian plods on by him saying under his breath "tank, tank, tank, BOOM!"

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The Indian Chief thought that it was going to be a bad winter

so he sent all the braves out to collect wood. As he watched them return laden with timber from the forest he suddenly felt that he ought to check his forecast so he phoned the local met office.

"Tell me, is it going to be a bad winter?"

"Yes" said the forecaster " it will be a bad one"

So the Chief told the braves that they didn't have enough wood and sent them back into the forest again. They returned with more wood but once again the Chief had doubts and he called the forecaster to confirm.

"It is going to be a really severe winter" replied the forecaster.

The Chief look at the wood store, decided that more was required and the braves were dispatched back in to forest. The Chief called the forecaster.

"Are you sure it's going to be a really severe winter"

"Look" said the forecaster "its definitely going to be the worst winter on record - the Indians are gathering wood like crazy!""

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Give a man a jacket

He will be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket, he will never leave the house.

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Be careful this Winter!!!!

Snow is like a cock, its measured in inches, soft to the touch, cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it. Driving in the snow is like eating pussy. If you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you! BE CAREFUL THIS WINTER!

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Donald Trump is out one winter day...

walking around and enjoying the snow when he sees that someone had peed 'Donald sucks' in the snow. Furious, he called his Secret Service agents and yells "I want to know who did this!!".

A few days later his lead agent comes back and says "We solved it sir, but there's bad news and worse news. The bad news is that it's Mike Pence's urine".

Donal gasps "what the hell could be worse than that?"

"It's Melania's handwriting."

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After a long winter, a mountain lion, a wolf, and a fox...

After a long winter, a mountain lion, a wolf, and a fox get together and each tells how they spent the winter.

The mountain lion says, "I spent my winter in a pigpen, and each day I ate a pig. The owner counted the pigs, saw that some were missing, and set a trap from which I barely escaped."

The wolf says, "I spent my winter in a henhouse. Each day I ate two hens. The owner counted the hens, brought out his shotgun, and I almost got shot."

The fox says, "I spent my winter at a construction site where there were lots of Mexicans. Nobody counts those bastards."

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Three women started boasting about their sons...

"What a birthday I had last year!" exclaimed the first. " My son, that wonderful boy, threw me a big party in a fancy restaurant. He even paid for plane tickets for my friends."
"That's very nice, but listen to this," said the second. "Last winter, my son gave me an all-expense-paid cruise to the Greek islands. First class."
"That's nothing!" interrupted the third. "For five years now my son has been paying a psychiatrist $150 an hour, three times a week. And the whole time he talks about nothing but me."

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A Greek and a Scotsman


A Greek and an Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.


The Scotsman then replies, 'Well... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'


The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'


The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Scots were the ones who
built the first timepieces and calendars.


And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'


The Scotsman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women.'

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Did you hear Donald Trump's plan for combatting global warming?

Nuclear winter

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[OC] Why does the NSA hate winter?

Because they're not used to getting Snowden.

(I'll see myself out)

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"Honey,my hands are freezing!"

A young couple go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey,my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing ! "
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing ! "
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold? "

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A Latvian Haiku

Where is potatoes?

This winter is very cold.

Family is starve.

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Puppet Theater

It's almost winter, and a family of bears is getting ready to hibernate in their den. The father and mother bears are almost ready for bed, but the baby bear just won't fall asleep.

**Baby Bear**: Daddy! Daddy! Do the puppet theater!
**Father Bear**: No, it's past your bedtime. Go to sleep. Besides, you've seen it a million times already.
**Baby Bear**: Please daddy, just one more time and I'll go right to sleep. I promise.

Father bear sighs and reaches up on a shelf, where two skulls are sitting. He puts them on his paws and moves the jaws so it looks like they're talking:
- "Dude, do you think there's any bears here?"
- "What are you? Retarded? Why would there be any fucking bea-"

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A farmer fixes his fence

A farmer comes home after having to repair a fence in the middle of a North Dakota winter.

"It's as cold as a gravedigger's ass out there!" he tells his wife.

A bit grumpy due to the poor weather, his wife replies: "How the fuck would you know how cold a gravedigger's ass is? You turning gay on me?"

The man considers her remark for a long moment.

"You're right honey, I should only talk about things I actually know about."

"It's as cold as a witch's tit out there."

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A tree with anxiety.

A tree had been filled with anxiety and decides to see a psychologist.

"I just don't know what to do," the tree said. "Every year I feel very anxious during fall and winter."

"Hmm, interesting," the psychologist said, "And how do you feel when spring comes?"

The tree smiles, "Releaved!""

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How stock markets work!

It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the weather man responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied,
'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy.'

This is how stock markets work!

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Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

But his winter wasn't so hot...

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My favorite kids joke

One Sunday afternoon Rain Drop, the oldest child, grows curious and asks her mother:

"mother, why did you name me Rain Drop?"

"February 22, it was a winter night when I had you, me and your father took you out of the hospital as soon as you were born. It was raining outside and the first thing that touched your forehead was a clear cold rain drop, so we names you after that."

Rain Drop excited tells his brother and sister. Her sister, Snow Flake, asks her father:

"Father, why did you name me Snow Flake?"

"It was December 21, and you were just born that morning. Your mother and I took you outside from the warm hospital to the cold winter weather. As we let you see the sky a tender snow flake falls and vanishes in your pink lips. And that's why we named you Snow Flake"

Then bowling ball asks the mom

"Wysfodletlkqsquipeso!?"

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Made this up while laying in bed and yes it's bad. I apologize in advance

A 35 year old house painter walks out of his home on a snowy winter day but quickly scurries back inside and says with a grin on his face "It likes like I'M the one that needs another coat today"

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Why are so many hipsters sweaty?

They put on their winter coats before it's cool.

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Why was Humpty Dumpty disappointed with winter?

Because he had a great fall.

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Made the mistake of letting my east coast newspaper freeze on the steps this winter...

I've fallen on some hard Times.

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Corporate Lesson #3

A bird is late to fly south for the winter, and when his wings start to freeze, he lands in a barnyard. The bird is pretty irritated (an angry bird, perhaps) with his situation - when all of a sudden a cow shows up and takes a huge crap on him.

At first, the bird becomes even more upset, but he then realizes that despite the smell, the cow dung is warming him up and melting the ice on his wings. After a while, he becomes happy, and starts to chirp.

The farmer's cat, hearing chirping, tracks down the bird and eats him.


Morals of the story:

#1 - People who crap on you are not necessarily your enemies

#2 - People who pull you out of crap are not necessarily your friends

#3 - If you are warm and happy whilst in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.

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2040's won't get this

Winter

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Singles Ad

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work! Call and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.

Man.... what a bitch.

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My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this....

I've never heard him complain

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Two blondes went to a drive-in movie. What movie did they go to see?

"Closed for Winter".

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Minnesota has 4 seasons

Almost winter, winter, almost summer, and road construction.

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What was the slogan for Shakespeare's camping shop?

Now is the winter of our discount tents

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Winter is like Justin Bieber

It was cute and fun at first, but now it's obnoxious and should probably stay in Canada.

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Why do bees stay in their hive during Winter?

Swarm.

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Reasons to allow drinking at work



1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

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Why don't women wear skirts during winter?

They'll get chapped lips!

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How do you harvest crops in the winter?

With an ice sickle

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I saw The Joker working at a winter apparel store.

He turned to me and said "You wanna know how I got these scarves?"

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Q: Why don't women wear dresses in the winter?

A: They could get chapped lips!

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Winter...

The only time of year when 8-12 inches is used to describe something white. (Up North)

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The camping shop in Stratford-upon-Avon is having a sale of last season's stock. Their slogan....?

Now.. is the winter of our discount tents.

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What do Wasps wear in the winter?

Yellow Jackets.

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Why do programmers love winter?

Because there are no bugs.

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Humpty Dumpty had a great fall...

...His winter though? Absolutely awful.

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If Russia is so good at defeating it's enemies in the Winter

Then how come they lost the Cold War?

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One winter day, Donald Trump looks out his window...

and notices a large yellow scribble imprinted on the snow that has covered the White House lawn. He was horrified to see that it was in fact a message that read, "Trump is an arse".

Trump immediately ordered his Secret Service agents to investigate this; within a few hours, they reported to him that the message had been written in urine. Furious, Trump demanded to know more information, especially whose urine it was. The lab tests return the next day.

"The DNA detected in the urine belongs to Mike Pence," the Secret Service agents inform Trump. "But there's worse news."

"What could possibly be worse?" Trump asks.

"The handwriting is Melania's."

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Why do bees huddle together all winter?

'Swarm.

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Winter vacation is over and returning to school is tough for my girl...

...the crying, the kicking, the screaming...but it has to be done, after all, she's the teacher.

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Three cats live at the football stadium

It was lean pickings one winter but eventually they managed to catch a mouse and are discussing how they will divide it up.

The first cat says "as we live at the football stadium let's divide it by team. I support Liverpool so I will eat it's Liver

"Great idea" says the second cat "I support Hartlepool. I will eat the heart

The third cat says "I support Arsenal, I'm not that hungry thanks"

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I read an article on the hibernation of animals.

It's winter resting.

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Olie & Lena are driving down the road in their Model T...

Suddenly, a mother skunk enters the roadway with her two young babies. Olie can't stop in time and runs the mother over.

It winter time and Lena jumps out of the car to rescue the two orphans. She gets them back in and they're shivering:

Oh, Olie! They're so cold! What should I do to warm them up?

Why don't you put them between your legs?

Oh, but Olie- what about the terrible smell?

They're skunks, Lena. I don't think they'll mind.

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Fella told the dentist he did not need anesthesia for his root canal.

Said he had only felt pain twice in his life. So the dentist finished the root canal and said I have never seen anyone like this before. May I ask about the two times you felt pain?
Fella explained he was out hunting one winter day. Felt the call of nature, so he dropped his pants and squatted next to a tree. Unfortunately, the falling poop landed on a bear trap covered by the snow which snapped shut on the parts of his anatomy which hanging low.
Dentist said, I can understand that being a moment of pain. What was the second time?
When I ran out of chain, said the fella.

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My parents and I came to the US from Germany when I was a little girl.

They didn't speak much English, but were experienced educators back home. One winter, they decided to open a tutoring/ study session program to help students stay productive and focus over the break. It wasn't until after a flood of angry phone calls and visitors that we realized that "Concentration Camp" was not an ideal program name.

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Isn't that some shit!?

One day all the sparrows got together to fly south for the winter, the one little sparrow tells his buddies he's not ready to fly quite yet and to go on without him. About a week later it starts to get cold out, so the sparrow figures he better start his journey.
As he is flying south it starts to rain, it is so chilly that the rain turns to ice and the sparrow falls down into a barn. A horse comes along and shits right on the sparrow. This actually starts warming the little bird up so he starts to sing.
A cat hears the sparrow and comes to see if the little bird needs help out, so the cat digs him out and eats him.
The moral of the story is, not everyone who shits on you is your enemy, and not everyone who digs you out of shit is your friend, and if you're warm, safe, and happy... Shut the fuck up!

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Yellow Snow on the White House lawn

One winter morning, Bill Clinton woke up and looked out the window of his bedroom in the White House. He was shocked to see the words "Bill Sucks" peed in the snow. He called the Secret Service to investigate the matter.

After a few days, the head of the Secret Service reported back to Bill, "I have bad news and I have worse news."

"Ok, let's hear the bad news."

"We did an analysis on the urine and it belongs to Al Gore."

"And the worse news?"

"We did a handwriting analysis as well. It belongs to Hillary."

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Which country brought the most competitors to the 2018 Winter Olympics?

Brazil. They brought 8 Brazilian athletes.

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Safety in Snowplows

A blond gets into her car while an incredibly powerful winter storm surrounds her. She starts the car and puts it in drive when suddenly her anxiety sets in. The horrible weather begins to worry her; she fears that she won't ever get home in it.

It's at this time (and through a stroke of luck) she notices a snowplow in the distance up ahead. After a huge sigh of relief she keeps pace with the plow feeling it's safety as it clears the snow in front of her.

Multiple hours pass by when eventually the plow truck pulls over. The driver gets out and approaches her car window. When she rolls it down, he asks: "Why have you been following me for so long? Are you okay?" She replies: "My dad had always told me to follow a snowplow in a blizzard when the roads feel unsafe."
The snowplow driver shrugs his shoulders and replies: "Okay... well I'm finished with this parking lot, I'm heading over to doΒ the one across the street next."

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Did you know? There is a species of frog in Alaska

There is a species of frog in Alaska that freezes during the winter and while frozen, the frog stops breathing, its heart stops beating, its palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on its sweater already, mom's spaghetti.

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Why couldn't the NSA agent leave his house this Winter?

He was Snowden.

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Honey, I just won the lottery!

-- Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack some suitcases!
-- That's fantastic! Should I pack summer or winter clothing?
-- I don't care, but I want you gone by tomorrow!

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Yo mama is so fat

She stays really warm in the cold. So she usually lends me her jackets in the winter.
What a nice person :)

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Why was Nazi Germany's army so devastated in the Russian Winter when it was snowing?

Because they were only trained for heiling

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Did you hear about the blonde who froze to death at the drive in theater?

She went to see Closed for the winter.

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Smokers go out in the cold for 10+ minutes a day and freeze their asses off in the winter and what do they do they get in return?

Cancer.

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Winter is a lot like Justin Bieber.

It was cute and exciting in the begining, but now its a bit annoying and it should probably just stay in Canada.

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The first rule of winter sex

The one who has a running nose has to be under the other.

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Ducks....

When ducks are flying south for the winter they fly in a V formation.If you ever notice one side of the "V" is always longer than the other side,do you know why that is?


There are more ducks on that side.

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The best part of winter

Is watching it on TV from California

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Ddi Humpty Dumpty have a good winter?

No, but he had a great Fall.

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Winter storms

I don't like the naming system for winter storms that was recently devised. I'm going with my own system of naming the storms after characters in Greek tragedies. So today I rename Winter Storm Athena to Winter Storm Antigone.

Can't wait for Winter Storm Oedipus. It will be a real mother fucker!

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Why don't illegal immigrants like to drive in the winter?

They see the signs that say, "Watch for ICE on bridges".

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What do you call a person swimming in Paris' waters in winter?

In *Seine*.

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Why can't Edward leave Russia this winter?

He'll be Snowden.

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My Jewish Grandmother's favorite Holocaust joke

It's Winter of 1942 and the German SS is in full extermination mode when a new train of Jews comes into the camp. Immediately the Train Conductor goes to the general and tells the general.

"These are the toughest Jews I have ever seen, General."

The general nods. "Then we will take no chances and immediately send them to the crematorium."

The Jews from the train are herded into the crematorium rooms and locked in for three days while the fires rage on. The general comes back to see the fruits of their labor, the toughest Jews burned to ashes. But when he opens the door...

"What are you doing?! You're going to let all the warm air out?!"

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Give a man a jacket and he'll stay warm all winter

Teach a man to jacket and he'll stay warm his whole life

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Why is the Kremlin so much warmer this winter?

It had new windows Putin

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Why do geese fly south in the winter?

Walking takes too long.

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How do you find Will Smith in the winter?

You look for The Fresh Prince.

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Why is Humpty Dumpty so optimistic about the upcoming Winter?

Because he had a great Fall!

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Why do Canadians do well in the Winter Olympics?

Because they always bring their eh Game.

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What are the four seasons called in New England?

Almost winter, Winter, Still winter, and 3 months of bad sledding.

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How do you stay warm outside in the winter?

You just stand in a corner, they are usually around 90 degrees.

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Burly gentleman.

There was a dad who was worried about his son's behavior. He was worried about his son becoming "one of those queers."

The dad found an ad for a winter camp logging up north, so thinking he would make his son a right burly gentleman, he sent his son off to winter camp.

8 weeks of winter camp came and went, and when the son came home he wasn't queer, but he sure was a husky fucker.

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Winter is like your boyfriend...

you know it's coming soon but you want it to hold off for as long as possible

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What do you get when you let 25,000 Syrian refugees into Canada during the winter?

Isisicles

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Why do bees stay in their hive during the winter?

Swarm.

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2 fortune tellers are talking about the weather.

The first one says it's going to be a hot winter. The second one replies "Yes, reminds me of the summer of 2093."

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Which actress stays consistent, especially in the winter time?

Eva Green

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A nun is leaving church one evening.....

A nun is leaving church one winter evening after mass. As she exits she sees two alter boys laying in the snow completely naked. The nun approaches the boys and says "Dear lord! What are u boys doing out here naked in the snow?" One of the boys looks up at her and says,

"Father John likes to have a couple cold ones after mass"

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Why doesn't Boston like whistleblowers during the winter?

Because they always seem to get Snowden

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Why do birds fly south for the winter?

Because it's too far to walk

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Winter- Pros: Chestnuts roasting.

Cons: Deez nuts freezing.

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An old couple was found dead in a drive in theater

… they came to see the movie "Closed for Winter".

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A man went out a cold winter day

on the ice and started drilling a hole.

Theres no fish under the ice! a voice said. But the man just ignored it and continued to drill

Theres no fish under the ice! The voice said again. The man got nervous

Is it God speaking? He asked

No the is hockey coach. Now get out of the ice hockey hall!

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An Irish prayer...

On a cold winter night; an older Irishman walks down the street using his prized glass flask of whiskey to keep warm. Just as he returns it to his back pocket he slips on ice and falls with a crunch. As he lay there assessing his injuries, he feels warm liquid running down his leg.

He closed his eyes and said, "Please Lord, let it be blood."

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Do you know why no one leaves Istanbul in the winter?

It's hard to quit cold Turkey!

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What will Trump's favorite sport be this year in the Winter Olympics?

It's gonna be LUGE.

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How do you find Will Smith in winter?

You follow the Fresh Prince

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Did you hear about the choir boys

They were charged with indecent exposure last winter, the cops found them with there penises in the snow bank when questioned why they responded with "the priest likes a couple cold ones after the sermon"

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What do planets say in winter?

We're freezing our axis of.

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Wife messaged to her husband

During a cold winter day a wife messaged to her husband that the Windows frozen .

Husband replied to pour some warm water on them.
After a while husband received a message again No way, the computer is completely spoilt now !

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What is a snowman's least favorite yoga position? Downward-facing dog pee.

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Poor Grandma

I was visiting my poor, penny pinching old grandma over Christmas break. When I tried to shower, I found that there was no hot water.

I shouted, "Grandma? Why does your shower only run cold water in the middle of winter?"

She replied, "I still have some cold medicine from last winter that will expire if I don't use it up!'

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Why don't girls wear skirts in the winter time?

Cuz they'll get chapped lips. Brr.

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What are the best Winter puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Winter? Well, here are the best jokes about Winter to have fun with.

Joko Jokes