Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Winter Jokes
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
The chief of a tribe in Mexico dies.
His son is now the chief. Since he never learned the ways of his forefathers to predict winters, when he gets asked what should the tribe do, he just tells them to collect firewood. He then goes to the National Weather Station in Mexico and asks them how bad winter is going to be. They tell him; "It looks like it will be pretty bad". Shocked, he goes back to his tribe and tells them to gather more firewood. He goes back to the weather station and asks them again if winter will be bad. They answer, "It is going to be one of the worst winters in a decade." The Chief goes back to the village and tells them to gather more firewood. Then he goes for a third time to the weather station and asks them again, "will the winter be bad?" They respond, "It will be the worst winter in a century." The chief asks them, "How do you know winter will be bad?" They answer, "Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"
Wrong Email
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's f**.... He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
Snow wife.
One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.
Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
A Latvian Haiku
Where is potatoes?
This winter is very cold.
Family is starve.
she can't open windows.
On a cold winter morning, while her husband is away on business, a wife has a problem at home and sends a text message to her husband:
Windows frozen, it won't open
Husband texts back:
Pour boiling water over it inside and outside
Five minutes later, wife texts back.
Computer's really s**... up now...
Minnesota has 4 seasons
Almost winter, winter, almost summer, and road construction.
What was the slogan for Shakespeare's camping shop?
Now is the winter of our discount tents
What's white, cold, falling in winter and ending with "bass" ?
The snow, d**....
A Russian man lives all alone in a cabin
One day, someone from the government shows up and tells him that due to a map surveyor's error in the 1940s, the cabin he lives in was mistakenly marked as part of Russia, but in fact, it's actually a part of Belarus.
"Oh thank God!" the man exclaims. "I don't think I would have been able to stand another Russian winter here."
Made this up while laying in bed and yes it's bad. I apologize in advance
A 35 year old house painter walks out of his home on a snowy winter day but quickly scurries back inside and says with a grin on his face "It likes like I'M the one that needs another coat today"
You can explore winter solstice reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean winter snowstorm dad jokes. There are also winter puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Lazy vultures
Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."
"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"
"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."
Winter...
The only time of year when 8-12 inches is used to describe something white. (Up North)
I saw The Joker working at a winter apparel store.
He turned to me and said "You wanna know how I got these scarves?"
Winter is like the Justin Bieber of seasons...
It was kind of cute and exciting when it first started out, now its a bit obnoxious and should probably just stay in Canada.
Why was Humpty Dumpty disappointed with winter?
Because he had a great fall.
Two blondes went to a drive-in movie. What movie did they go to see?
"Closed for Winter".
Why does it s**... to work for the NSA during the winter?
Because if it snows, you can't call and say you're snowed in.
Give a man a jacket
He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.
Made the mistake of letting my east coast newspaper freeze on the steps this winter...
I've fallen on some hard Times.
Give a man a jacket
Give a man a jacket and he can leave the house during Winter.
Teach a man to jack it and he'll never leave the house.
Why does the NSA hate the winter?
They got snowed in.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
But his winter wasn't so hot...
[OC] Why does the NSA hate winter?
Because they're not used to getting Snowden.
(I'll see myself out)
The camping shop in Stratford-upon-Avon is having a sale of last season's stock. Their slogan....?
Now.. is the winter of our discount tents.
Q: Why don't women wear dresses in the winter?
A: They could get chapped lips!
We've had a horrible winter this year.
It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.
Animals: Winter is here, we need a plan to survive.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Finally my winter fat is gone
Now I have spring rolls
Winter is like Justin Bieber
It was cute and fun at first, but now it's obnoxious and should probably stay in Canada.
2040's won't get this
Winter
There are only two seasons in Russia:
Winter and nuclear winter.
Why don't women wear skirts in the winter?
Chapped lips
A tree with anxiety.
A tree had been filled with anxiety and decides to see a psychologist.
"I just don't know what to do," the tree said. "Every year I feel very anxious during fall and winter."
"Hmm, interesting," the psychologist said, "And how do you feel when spring comes?"
The tree smiles, "Releaved!""
Told my boss he needs winter tires
Got fired. Apparently that's something offensive to say to people in wheelchairs.
Give a man a jacket, and he'll be warm for all winter
Teach a man to jack it, and he won't need to go outside!
Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?
It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for
Why are so many hipsters sweaty?
They put on their winter coats before it's cool.
What do Wasps wear in the winter?
Yellow Jackets.
How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?
They're both flying information.
The Winter Olympics.
Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.
My favorite winter Olympic sport is women's curling...
Because it's the one time every four years I can yell, sweep harder at a woman, and no one thinks it's because I'm a sexist pig.
Why do programmers love winter?
Because there are no bugs...
How do you harvest crops in the winter?
With an ice sickle
I'm from a future where Trump won re-election and solved Global Warming
Just a heads up though, nuclear winter is a bit chilly.
Why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?
Swarm
My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this....
I've never heard him complain
Two blondes froze to death at the drive-in theater.
They were there to see "Closed for Winter."
Bees like to stay huddled up together in their hives during the winter
Swarm
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
A man's last meal
So a prisoner is about to be executed and the guards ask him,
What do you want your last meal to be?
Strawberries he responds.
But it's winter. We can't get strawberries until spring
Eh. I'll wait
How did the trees feel when winter was finally over
Releafed
Did you know that Spider-Man has a winter jacket made out of Mediterranean flatbread?
It's a pita parka.
A man turns to his wife and says: "Honey, pack your bags because I won the lottery."
She asks: "Do I take summer clothes or winter clothes?"
He replies: "Take it all, go away."
Last winter, I went bobsleighing with my family
Killed 37 Bobs
Christmas c**... joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Because they can't afford the train!
Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.
A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami.
A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami. His first day there, he heads to the nearest beach bar and proceeds to pound down mai tais. After 5 or 6 drinks, he feels a strong urge to pee, and in his drunken state, he swivels his stool around and starts peeing right onto the sand. Just then, a young woman happens to walk by and shrieks "g**...!"
His cheeks blush as he yells back "Danke!"
What do birds and traitors have in common?
They both fly south for the winter.
A man decides to visit Germany with his dog for 2 weeks.
He wishes to experience German culture during the winter. So, he visits an ice rink. As soon as the man steps foot on the ice, the dog darts forward, excited about his new surroundings. The dog proceeds to fall through a thinner patch of ice. The man leaps forward to save his dog, but another man dives in and pulls the dog to safety. The German man explains he is a nearby resident who saw what was about to happen. The other man, realizing his dog will need help as soon as he can get asks,
"Are you a vet?"
The German man replies, "Vet? I am soaking!"
Winter is finally over, Spring is here and the trees are full again!
What a re-leaf!
What do koalas eat after a nuclear winter?
Apocalyptus
What do Winds of Winter, Elder Scrolls 6, and Starfield all have in common?
Bill Cosby was released before they were.
Average joke
3 teachers, Science, Auto shop, and Mathematics, go hunting together over their winter vacation. They come across an enormous 6 point buck. The science teacher who saw it first takes aim. He fires and misses by 3 feet to left. The auto shop teacher shoulders him asside and says, " this is how you do it!". He fires and misses 3 feet to the right. The math teacher jumps up and Screams, "we got him!".
My wife texted me on a cold winter morning...
My wife texted me on a cold winter morning, saying "Windows frozen, won't open. "
I texted her back, "gently pour some hot water along the edges, and tap it with a hammer. "
After a few minutes she texted back, "computer is really messed up now. "
I think snow is still in love with me
It keeps falling for me every winter
My daughter painted her toenails black for winter formal tonight...
I told her "I hope you don't run into anyone who's black-toes intolerant."
Russian man dies
Russian man die, but for him suffer not over. Man very wicked, and go to h**.... There devil make punish: he burn in lake of fire. Is warm. Russian man finally happy.
So devil make lake hotter. But Russian man now is warmer. Now is happier.
Devil get very frustrate. So devil make fire lake into ice lake--lake cold as million Russian winter. But Russia man now happiest of all!
"Devil!" he say, "h**... is freeze! Russia is finally happy country!"
But is not true. Is only story.
Also, man not in h**..., only Russia.
Two scientists were walking around in Russia during winter
Scientist one: It's really cold outside, how many degrees?
Scientist two: it's -40°
Scientist one: Celsius or Fahrenheit?
Scientist two: Yes.
Did everyone hear about the new Beastie Boys documentary coming to Netflix?
The 5-part series will release parts A through D this winter. Upon completion, viewers are required to fight for their right to part E.
I hate this new king, my landlord is ripping me to starvation and i might freeze this winter.
Gildford from 13 th century
Everyone had fun at the new nudist retreat this summer!
Now they're clothed for the winter.
My dad owns 4 tents which he uses for camping
He uses all 4 at different times of the year, and each one is based on 1 of 4 different musical genres.
In spring he uses the jazz tent, in summer he uses the pop tent, in autumn he uses the classical tent….
But now is the winter of our disco tent.
My landlord told me that he would like to have a chat with me soon...
about the house's sky high heating bills this winter.
I told him: "Sure thing, whenever you want. My door is always open".
Why do bees stay in their hives in winter?
Swarm.
What did they bee say to his wife when they were running late for dinner?
Hurry up honey.
