winter Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious winter puns

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

👍🏼

Why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?

Swarm

👍🏼

Give a man a jacket

He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.

👍🏼

Finally my winter fat is gone

Now I have spring rolls

👍🏼

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

👍🏼

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: Windows frozen, won't open.

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap the edges with a hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

👍🏼

Why don't women wear skirts in the winter?

Chapped lips

👍🏼

There are only two seasons in Russia:

Winter and nuclear winter.

👍🏼

she can't open windows.

On a cold winter morning, while her husband is away on business, a wife has a problem at home and sends a text message to her husband:

Windows frozen, it won't open


Husband texts back:
Pour boiling water over it inside and outside


Five minutes later, wife texts back.


Computer's really screwed up now...

👍🏼

Animals: Winter is here, we need a plan to survive.

Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

👍🏼

Why does it suck to work for the NSA during the winter?

Because if it snows, you can't call and say you're snowed in.

👍🏼

My wife texted me while I was at work this cold winter morning, "Windows frozen."

I texted back, "Pour some lukewarm water over it."

She replied, "Computer completely fucked now."

👍🏼

Told my boss he needs winter tires

Got fired. Apparently that's something offensive to say to people in wheelchairs.

👍🏼

We've had a horrible winter this year.

It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.

👍🏼

Why does the NSA hate the winter?

They got snowed in.

👍🏼

Give a man a jacket

Give a man a jacket and he can leave the house during Winter.

Teach a man to jack it and he'll never leave the house.

👍🏼

I'm from a future where Trump won re-election and solved Global Warming

Just a heads up though, nuclear winter is a bit chilly.

👍🏼

A Russian man lives all alone in a cabin

One day, someone from the government shows up and tells him that due to a map surveyor's error in the 1940s, the cabin he lives in was mistakenly marked as part of Russia, but in fact, it's actually a part of Belarus.

"Oh thank God!" the man exclaims. "I don't think I would have been able to stand another Russian winter here."

👍🏼

Why do programmers love winter?

Because there are no bugs...

👍🏼

What's white, cold, falling in winter and ending with "bass" ?

The snow, dumbass.

👍🏼

How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?

They're both flying information.

👍🏼

Give a man a jacket

And he'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket and he'll never leave the house.

👍🏼

What's the worst part about pissing outside in the winter?

Getting a 2 inch dick out of 3 inches of clothing.

Stay warm out there!

👍🏼

Winter is like the Justin Bieber of seasons...

It was kind of cute and exciting when it first started out, now its a bit obnoxious and should probably just stay in Canada.

👍🏼

The Winter Olympics.

Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.

👍🏼

Wrong Email

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

👍🏼

Keep Your Mouth Shut!!

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story are:

Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

👍🏼

Snow wife.

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"



With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

👍🏼

Lazy vultures

Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."

"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"

"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."

👍🏼

Give a man a jacket, and he'll be warm for all winter

Teach a man to jack it, and he won't need to go outside!

👍🏼

A little blue bird was flying south for the Winter

A little blue bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large hay field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and took a dump on him. As the frozen blue bird lay there in the heap of steaming pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you are in deep shit, it is best to keep your mouth shut!

👍🏼

The chief of a tribe in Mexico dies.

His son is now the chief. Since he never learned the ways of his forefathers to predict winters, when he gets asked what should the tribe do, he just tells them to collect firewood. He then goes to the National Weather Station in Mexico and asks them how bad winter is going to be. They tell him; "It looks like it will be pretty bad". Shocked, he goes back to his tribe and tells them to gather more firewood. He goes back to the weather station and asks them again if winter will be bad. They answer, "It is going to be one of the worst winters in a decade." The Chief goes back to the village and tells them to gather more firewood. Then he goes for a third time to the weather station and asks them again, "will the winter be bad?" They respond, "It will be the worst winter in a century." The chief asks them, "How do you know winter will be bad?" They answer, "Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"

👍🏼

A cowboy rides in to town

A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a deadly calm says, "I'm going to count to three. If I get to three, I'm going to do what I did in the Winter of 76'." The whole bar freezes in terror at the cowboy.

"**ONE**"

No one moves a muscle.

"**TWO**"""

Everyone's extremely nervous at this point.

"**READY OR NOT.... THR--**"

All of a sudden someone in the back stands up and says, "Hold on buddy! It was just a joke! your horse is in the back alley!" The cowboy smiles and starts to leave the canteen. The same guy who stood up calls out, "Hey! I just gotta know, what happened in the Winter of '76???" The cowboy turns around and says to him, "I had to walk home."

👍🏼

Wife calls her husband at work..

"Windows froze. Can't get anything open"

Husband says, "happens sometimes in the winter. Get a bucket of warm water and dump it all over and it should open fine"

Wife calls back ten minutes later and says "computer's fucked."

👍🏼

Two men are sat waiting for a bus in Wales.

The older one turns to the younger one and says "Do you see those old mines down there in the valley? Twenty years I spent down there, man and boy, quarrying the coal out of the rock. Without me none of the houses up there would have had coal for the winter. And do they call me Dewey the Coal Miner? No.

And do you see the railway line going over the hilltop? I used to drive the trains along that line every day for fifteen years. I used to take people all over the place, and bring letters and parcels from friends and family far away. And do they call me Dewey the Train Driver? No.

And do you see that little chapel up there on the hill? I was the organist there. Forty five years I spent, every week leading the faithful in worship there. And do they call me Dewey the Organist? Oh no.

But you shag one bloody sheep..."

👍🏼

What are the most funny Winter jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Winter? Well, here are the best Winter dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Winter pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes