The Best 72 Winter Jokes

Following is our collection of Winter jokes which are very funny. There are some winter cold jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these winter siberia puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

The chief of a tribe in Mexico dies.

His son is now the chief. Since he never learned the ways of his forefathers to predict winters, when he gets asked what should the tribe do, he just tells them to collect firewood. He then goes to the National Weather Station in Mexico and asks them how bad winter is going to be. They tell him; "It looks like it will be pretty bad". Shocked, he goes back to his tribe and tells them to gather more firewood. He goes back to the weather station and asks them again if winter will be bad. They answer, "It is going to be one of the worst winters in a decade." The Chief goes back to the village and tells them to gather more firewood. Then he goes for a third time to the weather station and asks them again, "will the winter be bad?" They respond, "It will be the worst winter in a century." The chief asks them, "How do you know winter will be bad?" They answer, "Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"

Wrong Email

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

Snow wife.

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

A Latvian Haiku

Where is potatoes?

This winter is very cold.

Family is starve.


she can't open windows.

On a cold winter morning, while her husband is away on business, a wife has a problem at home and sends a text message to her husband:

Windows frozen, it won't open

Husband texts back:
Pour boiling water over it inside and outside

Five minutes later, wife texts back.

Computer's really screwed up now...

Minnesota has 4 seasons

Almost winter, winter, almost summer, and road construction.

What was the slogan for Shakespeare's camping shop?

Now is the winter of our discount tents

What's white, cold, falling in winter and ending with "bass" ?

The snow, dumbass.

A Russian man lives all alone in a cabin

One day, someone from the government shows up and tells him that due to a map surveyor's error in the 1940s, the cabin he lives in was mistakenly marked as part of Russia, but in fact, it's actually a part of Belarus.

"Oh thank God!" the man exclaims. "I don't think I would have been able to stand another Russian winter here."

Made this up while laying in bed and yes it's bad. I apologize in advance

A 35 year old house painter walks out of his home on a snowy winter day but quickly scurries back inside and says with a grin on his face "It likes like I'M the one that needs another coat today"

Top Winter Puns and Funny Jokes

You can explore winter solstice reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean winter snowstorm dad jokes. There are also winter puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Lazy vultures

Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."

"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"

"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."

Winter...

The only time of year when 8-12 inches is used to describe something white. (Up North)

Why couldn't the NSA agent leave his house this Winter?

He was Snowden.

I saw The Joker working at a winter apparel store.

He turned to me and said "You wanna know how I got these scarves?"

Winter is like the Justin Bieber of seasons...

It was kind of cute and exciting when it first started out, now its a bit obnoxious and should probably just stay in Canada.

Honey, I just won the lottery!

-- Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack some suitcases!
-- That's fantastic! Should I pack summer or winter clothing?
-- I don't care, but I want you gone by tomorrow!

Why was Humpty Dumpty disappointed with winter?

Because he had a great fall.

Two blondes went to a drive-in movie. What movie did they go to see?

"Closed for Winter".


Why does it suck to work for the NSA during the winter?

Because if it snows, you can't call and say you're snowed in.

Give a man a jacket

He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.

Made the mistake of letting my east coast newspaper freeze on the steps this winter...

I've fallen on some hard Times.

Give a man a jacket

Give a man a jacket and he can leave the house during Winter.

Teach a man to jack it and he'll never leave the house.

Why does the NSA hate the winter?

They got snowed in.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

But his winter wasn't so hot...

[OC] Why does the NSA hate winter?

Because they're not used to getting Snowden.

(I'll see myself out)

The camping shop in Stratford-upon-Avon is having a sale of last season's stock. Their slogan....?

Now.. is the winter of our discount tents.

Q: Why don't women wear dresses in the winter?

A: They could get chapped lips!

Winter vacation is over and returning to school is tough for my girl...

...the crying, the kicking, the screaming...but it has to be done, after all, she's the teacher.

We've had a horrible winter this year.

It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.

Animals: Winter is here, we need a plan to survive.

Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

Finally my winter fat is gone

Now I have spring rolls

Winter is like Justin Bieber

It was cute and fun at first, but now it's obnoxious and should probably stay in Canada.

2040's won't get this

Winter

There are only two seasons in Russia:

Winter and nuclear winter.

Why don't women wear skirts in the winter?

Chapped lips

A tree with anxiety.

A tree had been filled with anxiety and decides to see a psychologist.

"I just don't know what to do," the tree said. "Every year I feel very anxious during fall and winter."

"Hmm, interesting," the psychologist said, "And how do you feel when spring comes?"

The tree smiles, "Releaved!""

If Russia is so good at defeating it's enemies in the Winter

Then how come they lost the Cold War?

My parents and I came to the US from Germany when I was a little girl.

They didn't speak much English, but were experienced educators back home. One winter, they decided to open a tutoring/ study session program to help students stay productive and focus over the break. It wasn't until after a flood of angry phone calls and visitors that we realized that "Concentration Camp" was not an ideal program name.

Told my boss he needs winter tires

Got fired. Apparently that's something offensive to say to people in wheelchairs.

Give a man a jacket, and he'll be warm for all winter

Teach a man to jack it, and he won't need to go outside!

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

Why are so many hipsters sweaty?

They put on their winter coats before it's cool.

What do Wasps wear in the winter?

Yellow Jackets.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall...

...His winter though? Absolutely awful.

How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?

They're both flying information.

I read an article on the hibernation of animals.

It's winter resting.

The Winter Olympics.

Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.

My favorite winter Olympic sport is women's curling...

Because it's the one time every four years I can yell, sweep harder at a woman, and no one thinks it's because I'm a sexist pig.

Why do programmers love winter?

Because there are no bugs...

Three cats live at the football stadium

It was lean pickings one winter but eventually they managed to catch a mouse and are discussing how they will divide it up.

The first cat says "as we live at the football stadium let's divide it by team. I support Liverpool so I will eat it's Liver

"Great idea" says the second cat "I support Hartlepool. I will eat the heart

The third cat says "I support Arsenal, I'm not that hungry thanks"

How do you harvest crops in the winter?

With an ice sickle

I'm from a future where Trump won re-election and solved Global Warming

Just a heads up though, nuclear winter is a bit chilly.

Why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?

Swarm

My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this....

I've never heard him complain

Why do bees huddle together all winter?

'Swarm.

Two blondes froze to death at the drive-in theater.

They were there to see "Closed for Winter."

Bees like to stay huddled up together in their hives during the winter

Swarm

My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...

"Swarm."

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that!"

Autumn ~ *-leaves-*

A man's last meal

So a prisoner is about to be executed and the guards ask him,
What do you want your last meal to be?

Strawberries he responds.

But it's winter. We can't get strawberries until spring

Eh. I'll wait

What do you call an explosive cow in the winter?

An a-bomb-in-a-bull snowman!

How did the trees feel when winter was finally over

Releafed

Did you know that Spider-Man has a winter jacket made out of Mediterranean flatbread?

It's a pita parka.

A Man returns home and screams out loudly

- Honey, pack your things, I've won million today!
Wife comes to the wardrobe and asks:
- What kind of clothes to take with me? Summer or winter?
Man:
- All of them and get out of here!

After dealing with dad-jokes all winter...

I'm hoping to get him back this summer with some son-burns.

A man turns to his wife and says: "Honey, pack your bags because I won the lottery."

She asks: "Do I take summer clothes or winter clothes?"
He replies: "Take it all, go away."

Why did the two blondes freeze to death at the drive in cinema?

They went to see Closed for the Winter .

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter ?

Swarm.

Last winter, I went bobsleighing with my family

Killed 37 Bobs

Christmas cracker joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because they can't afford the train!

Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.

What does Trump have in common with winter holiday decorations?

Both can fu k off in January.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the winter summer jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working winter toque piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes