winter Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious winter stories

What are the best winter puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Winter? Well here is a complete list of the top winter jokes:

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

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she can't open windows.

On a cold winter morning, while her husband is away on business, a wife has a problem at home and sends a text message to her husband:

Windows frozen, it won't open


Husband texts back:
Pour boiling water over it inside and outside


Five minutes later, wife texts back.


Computer's really screwed up now...

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Be careful this Winter!!!!

Snow is like a cock, its measured in inches, soft to the touch, cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it. Driving in the snow is like eating pussy. If you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you! BE CAREFUL THIS WINTER!

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A Latvian Haiku

Where is potatoes?

This winter is very cold.

Family is starve.

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Minnesota has 4 seasons

Almost winter, winter, almost summer, and road construction.

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Winter storms

I don't like the naming system for winter storms that was recently devised. I'm going with my own system of naming the storms after characters in Greek tragedies. So today I rename Winter Storm Athena to Winter Storm Antigone.

Can't wait for Winter Storm Oedipus. It will be a real mother fucker!

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An old couple was found dead in a drive in theater

… they came to see the movie "Closed for Winter".

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What is a snowman's least favorite yoga position? Downward-facing dog pee.

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Game of Thrones Themed: "Knock knock. Who's there? Arya"

"Knock knock. Who's there? Arya"

"Arya who?"

"Arya gonna let me in? Winter is comin'!"

I'm a new dad ...I think this whole dad joke thing is inevitable.

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The Winter Olympics.
Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.

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I bought a winter jacket at Urban Outfitters last August

I got a really good deal because I bought it before it was cool.

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What cheese do hunters use to goad a bear out from its cave in the winter?

Camenbert

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A Zen Buddhist and a Christian got in a fight over a neighborhood nativity scene last winter. The Buddhist trashed the 3 Wisemen display right before he went to temple.


They charged him with premeditated myrrhder.

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It gets cold in Alaska during the winter.

Juneau what I mean?

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Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter?
A: Because it's too far to walk!

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Why did the lady snowman divorce her husband? She found out he was going to a snow blower.

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What do you call a snowman in July? A puddle.

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Teacher: "Who knows what is a difference between a snowman and snowwoman?"
Little Johnny: "Three snowballs!"

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Q: Why do more niggers get hit by cars in the winter?
A: They're easier to spot.

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Snowmen don't need scarves, idiots.

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Winter is natures way of telling you to polish.

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When I go outside in the winter...

I like to put my codon

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What do you call a snowman orgy? A snowball fight.

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Why did the female snowman delete Tinder? She was getting too many snow cone pics.

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What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes!

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Did you hear about the two dumb blonds who went two the drive in theater and froze two death they went two see closed for the winter?

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What do you get when you cross a snoman and a vampire? Frost bite.

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I don't support no nut November

I mean, what else will squirrels store for the winter?

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Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started to snow.

If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.

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Winter's coming so I'm knitting you a muffler. What size is your mouth?

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How do you prevent a Summer cold? Catch it in the Winter!

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Why did the snowman take his pants off? Because he saw the snowblower coming.

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Where do snowmen go to donate their sperm? The snowbank.

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How did the snowman lose his head? Someone sat on his face.

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Why did the downhill skier take off all his clothes? Because he wanted to get windblown.

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Why did the snowman's daughter become a stripper? Because he was so cold to her.

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The winner of the costume contest was the invisible man.

He was invisible, and his wife wasn't much to look at either.

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What is a snowman's favorite sex position? Sled doggy-style.

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How does a snowman get around? He rides an icicle!

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Why did the farmer only wear one boot to town? He heard there would be a 50% chance of snow!

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What happened when an icicle landed on the snowman's head? It knocked him out cold.

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What does a drug addict dream about on Christmas Eve? Building a snowman using only cocaine.

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Fishing in a frozen lake
It was a cold winter day.


An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite.
He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him.
The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.
The young boy kept catching fish after fish.
Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer.
"Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble.
You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish!
How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"

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A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."

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Jimmy is calling Sergey, who he met at an international conference.


Jimmy: "Hi, I've hear there is minus 54 degrees Celsius."
Sergey: "Nonsense, not even minus 15!"
Jimmy: "But on CNN, they've just shown a thermometer..."
Sergey: "Ohh, ok, maybe outside."

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On a cold day of January, I went to visit one of my friends in his house;

it was snowing and my friend urged me to stay the night with him.
They had only 2 rooms one for themselves and other for their baby; so I suggested to rest in baby' room.
In middle of the night, I need WC which was in the garden and was so difficult for me to go there.
I thought some moments then decided to change my place with the baby.
I did so.
And pissed in the place of baby; when I returned to change again I saw that the baby had shitted in my bed!

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Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.

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To the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland":

Dog tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening.
It's yellow, not white I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's my property.
Marked up as my winter wonderland."
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go, man,
So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine!
Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast,
"Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland."

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It's so cold that I have to take half a Viagra so I won't pee on my shoes.

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A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "

Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "The computer is completely fucked now".

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best winter jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about winter. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty winter gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these winter jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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