Winter Cold Jokes
82 winter cold jokes and hilarious winter cold puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about winter cold that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Winter Cold Short Jokes
Short winter cold jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The winter cold humour may include short cold weather jokes also.
- We've had a horrible winter this year. It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.
- What did one snowman say to the other on the winter solstice? "Do you carrot all about the cold?"
- How do you make a winter solstice stew? Carefully add just the right amount of darkness, cold, and a pinch of holiday cheer.
- Why did the winter solstice prefer to stay inside? It was too cold for him to "bear" outside!
- Why did the sun break up with the winter and start dating the spring equinox? Because it was tired of its cold attitude and wanted someone who could really 'light' up its life!
- Why didn't The Black Pearl get cold and drafty on cold winter nights at sea? Because pirate ships have a very high Arrrrrr value.
- I bought a crystal ball but only ever predicted very cold winters. Turns out they sold me a snow globe.
- What did one shepherd say to another shepherd on a cold winter's night? I'm freezing! Let's get the flock out of here!
- Why is the most powerful man in America scowling more since November? He can't help it, winters are cold in Russia.
- What's the difference between depression and drinking hot cocoa on a cold winter night... One's an internal struggle while the other is an internal snuggle.
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Winter Cold One Liners
Which winter cold one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with winter cold? I can suggest the ones about cold outside and bad winter.
- A Latvian Haiku Where is potatoes?
This winter is very cold.
Family is starve. - What's spicy but cold in the winter? Chilly peppers
- Do you know why no one leaves Istanbul in the winter? It's hard to quit cold Turkey!
- I'm usually exited for winter... But then I get cold feet.
- It gets cold in Alaska during the winter. Juneau what I mean?
- Winter in the South.. I had to turn the AC down to 67 to fool myself it's cold outside
- Why don't mountains get cold in the winter? They wear snowcaps.
- Why don't you go fishing in the winter? Because you might catch a cold
- Why did the kid put butter on his winter gloves? because he didnt want to catch a cold.
- Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
- What happened when an icicle landed on the snowman's head? It knocked him out cold.
- Why did the snowman's daughter become a stripper? Because he was so cold to her.
- How do you prevent a Summer cold? Catch it in the Winter!
- What is warm and liquid in the winter, while cold and dry in the summer? My boogers
- Winter in Poland is like my ex... ...it doesn't know whether to be cold or hot
Gather Around for Fun Winter Cold Jokes and Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about winter cold you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean freezing cold jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make winter cold pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny traveled North to visit his friend during winter time.
His friend's mother saw Johnny shivering, so she said, "Come here and put your hands between my thighs to warm them up." Johnny said, "My ears are cold too."
Fishing in a frozen lake
It was a cold winter day.
An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite.
He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him.
The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.
The young boy kept catching fish after fish.
Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer.
"Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble.
You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish!
How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"
My mother has painted a picture with such cold colours that if I want to take a look at it closely, I must have an anorak, the gloves, the winter cap and a scarf on, not to freeze.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Vacation
It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband. The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the f**... of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message: To My Loving Wife: I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Your Devoted Husband. P. S. Sure is hot down here.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cold Cold Canada.
There was an elderly couple who lived in a small house, right s**... dab on the U.S. and Canadian border. For several years the two goverments had argued over which nation the house belonged to. One day the elderly couple recived a letter stating that they were now considered full American citizens and there property was deemed as American soil. After reading this the old woman looks to her husband as says "Thank goodness, No more of those cold Canadian winters.
The Polish farmer
During WW2, a team of German and Soviet surveyors went through Poland to split the country.
One day they found a farm placed directly over the planned border. The surveyors agreed that the border couldn't be drawn through the house, and decided to ask the farmer.
- Do you want to belong to Soviet or Germany?, they asked him.
After some thinking, the farmer answered
- I'd like to belong to Germany.
- Why is that?
- Oh - I've heard the Russian winters are very cold
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year old church member whom he had not seen for many years...
She welcomed him into her home. While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak o**... with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a c**... was floating on top of it. Astonished and shocked, he quickly turned away. But after tea, curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it.
"Oh, yes," she said enthusiastically. "While in town last year I found a package on the sidewalk. The directions on the back said 'keep wet and put on your o**... to prevent disease.' And you know, I think it works. I haven't
had a cold all winter!"
How stock markets work!
It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the weather man responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied,
'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy.'
This is how stock markets work!
How national weather service predicts weather.
It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the weather man responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied,
'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy.'
"Honey,my hands are freezing!"
A young couple go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey,my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing ! "
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing ! "
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold? "
Winter weather emergency
On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in the back woods of Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow plows can get through conveniently".
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." And the power goes off.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"
With all the love and understanding that men who are married to blondes (and those with grey hair) always exhibit, the husband replied, "Honey, why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."
It was a heavy winter during Stalin...
It was a heavy winter during Stalin's reign over the Soviet Russia. A married woman went to the city prison to visit her arrested husband and found out that he had been convicted and transferred to a Siberian Gulag and died during the trip.
"How did he die?" she asked.
"Pneumonia" came the answer.
"How? When? Where?"
"It was during the transit. He attempted to escape, jumped out the train and ran away. We weren't able to catch him alive."
"So, how did he die and how do you know he had pneumonia?"
"Well... He was running and got heated, outside was freezing, the bullet was cold..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's white, cold, falling in winter and ending with "bass" ?
The snow, d**....
My favorite kids joke
One Sunday afternoon Rain Drop, the oldest child, grows curious and asks her mother:
"mother, why did you name me Rain Drop?"
"February 22, it was a winter night when I had you, me and your father took you out of the hospital as soon as you were born. It was raining outside and the first thing that touched your forehead was a clear cold rain drop, so we names you after that."
Rain Drop excited tells his brother and sister. Her sister, Snow Flake, asks her father:
"Father, why did you name me Snow Flake?"
"It was December 21, and you were just born that morning. Your mother and I took you outside from the warm hospital to the cold winter weather. As we let you see the sky a tender snow flake falls and vanishes in your pink lips. And that's why we named you Snow Flake"
Then bowling ball asks the mom
"Wysfodletlkqsquipeso!?"
A Sioux meets a Cowboy cutting some wood
The cowboy asks, "Hey fellow, can you tell me if it's going to be cold this winter?" The indian says "Yes. It will be cold."
The Indian swings by again watching the cowboy cutting wood. The cowboy asks, "really, pal, how cold and how long you think this winter will be?" "It will be very cold and very long!" the Sioux answers.
The following day, the indian comes back and the cowboy is going crazy again preparing for winter. This one goes, "you seem so sure about your forecast. What did you see that gave you the feeling that this winter will be so hard and cold?"
"Sioux have a say," the indian goes, "When white man cuts lot of wood, winter is long and xold."
Two ants meet in the south for the winter to keep warm...
...and one is cold and shivering on when he arrives. "that will be the last time I ride to Florida in the moustache of a man on a motorcycle, I'm freezing!"
The other ant says "Just do what I do, hitch a ride between the legs of a beautiful woman. It's the warmest way to travel."
The shivering ant says "That's what I did, but I dozed off, and woke up in the moustache of a man on a motorcycle."
Winter weather
The Chief of a Native American tribe calls the weather service and asks "How harsh will the winter be this year?" The meteorologist replies "Oh, it should be a bit cold and snowy." The Chief sends the men from his tribe to the forest to gather some wood for the winter.
A couple weeks later, he calls again to double-check, and asks the same thing. He is told "We expect the winter to be quite cold and snowy," so he sends them again to get a lot of wood.
Another week goes by, he calls once again and hears "It will be crazy! The Indians are gathering wood like mad!"
What does Germany have during the winter?
Cold Hanz.
Tbh, Russia isin't that good at fighting in the winter.
They did lose the Cold War.
Two old men sitting on a park bench on a winter's day.
One said to the other, 'Cold out, isn't it?'. 'Yes', the other replied, I think I'll put mine back in now.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the choir boys
They were charged with indecent exposure last winter, the cops found them with there p**... in the snow bank when questioned why they responded with "the priest likes a couple cold ones after the sermon"
An Irish prayer...
On a cold winter night; an older Irishman walks down the street using his prized glass flask of whiskey to keep warm. Just as he returns it to his back pocket he slips on ice and falls with a crunch. As he lay there assessing his injuries, he feels warm liquid running down his leg.
He closed his eyes and said, "Please Lord, let it be blood."
Poor Grandma
I was visiting my poor, penny pinching old grandma over Christmas break. When I tried to shower, I found that there was no hot water.
I shouted, "Grandma? Why does your shower only run cold water in the middle of winter?"
She replied, "I still have some cold medicine from last winter that will expire if I don't use it up!'
What do you call a girl who kills herself in the winter?
Cold cuts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why don't women wear skirts in the winter?
Ever try and peel apart a cold grilled cheese sandwich?
Red Neck Computer Dictionary
* LOG ON: Makin' a woodstove hot.
* LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
* MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
* DOWNLOAD: Gittin' the farwood off the truck.
* MEGA HERTZ: When you're not keerfull gittin' the farwood.
* FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git from trying to tote too much farwood.
* RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
* HARD DRIVE: Gittin' home in the winter time.
* WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside.
* SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season.
* BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
* CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
* MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
* MODEM: Whutcha do to the hay fields.
It was a cold winter night...
...so I sat in the corner. It's 90^o there, so I warmed right back up.
There was a Penobscot chief who predicted a cold winter.
So the local reporter went to see the chief to ask how he did it. "That's easy, white man build big woodpile".
Olie & Lena are driving down the road in their Model T...
Suddenly, a mother skunk enters the roadway with her two young babies. Olie can't stop in time and runs the mother over.
It winter time and Lena jumps out of the car to rescue the two orphans. She gets them back in and they're shivering:
Oh, Olie! They're so cold! What should I do to warm them up?
Why don't you put them between your legs?
Oh, but Olie- what about the terrible smell?
They're skunks, Lena. I don't think they'll mind.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
d**... Sporting Goods stores have all have a summer sports section in their parking lot that is packed up in the winter months, making the stores a bit smaller.
Meaning d**... shrink when it's cold.
Pet Skunk
A fellow always wanted to own a pet skunk, so in the dead of winter, he took his girlfriend with him to go hunting for one.
After a bit of waiting, they bagged a skunk and brought him back to the truck. The skunk was very scared and very cold, so the guy asks his girlfriend if she can keep the skunk between her legs to keep him warm.
"But what about the smell?" asks his girlfriend.
"Oh, he'll get used to it, just like I did."
A couple decided to go skinny dipping in Paris during a cold winter night.
Everyone called them in Seine.
An American is calling his Russian friend in the middle of winter.
"Dude I don't get it how you can stand such cold."
"It's not that bad. And we're used to it."
"Still. I saw on TV it's like -70° where you live? Crazy!"
"What? Nyet. It's maybe -30°. Not bad at all."
"Even that would be way too cold for me!"
"Haha you get used to it. I'm telling you, it's like -30° and that isn't too bad. Your TV lies to you."
"I guess. But they were showing your city, with all the cars under the snow, people in heavy coats, even thermometers showing -70°..."
"Oh! You mean on the outside..."
A plague bearer walks into an auction house during winter.
Everyone nears him now has a chance of catching the cold-bid 19 virus.
The breakdown of what to do in all seasons
Summer:too hot to go outside so you stay in playing video games
Winter:too cold to go outside so you stay in playing video games
Autumn:too much pollen outside so you stay in playing video games
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami.
A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami. His first day there, he heads to the nearest beach bar and proceeds to pound down mai tais. After 5 or 6 drinks, he feels a strong urge to pee, and in his drunken state, he swivels his stool around and starts peeing right onto the sand. Just then, a young woman happens to walk by and shrieks "g**...!"
His cheeks blush as he yells back "Danke!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy and a girl get a flat tire one cold winter's night.
The guy goes out to change the tire, but he has no gloves, and after a while, his hands start to get blue, so he comes back into the car.
Put your hands between my thighs and that'll warm them up, invites the girl. He does, and pretty soon his hands recover, and he goes back outside. After a while longer, his hands get cold again, and once again, she suggests that he warm them between her thighs. He does so and returns to finish putting on the spare. When he comes back into the car triumphant, she looks at him and asks, Aren't your ears cold?
I hate winter…
I hate the snow, the ice, the cold. In these times I think of the 4-man tent I bought on sale sometime around 1995. It's a basic tent, and it was a great value when I got it. It's hardly used now and just sits in my garage. I get such Winter Blues that I think about setting the tent up in the back yard, even though I've never gone through with that.
But alas I wonder, is this the Winter of my discount tent?
A cow is standing out in a field on a miserable winter's day.
There is a fox in the forest on the edge of the field sheltered by the trees, and he starts to feel sorry for the cow as it must be so cold. So he scurries out quickly to the cow and says, "man, you must be so cold out here."
And the cow says, " Cold! I'm Fresian!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Russian man dies
Russian man die, but for him suffer not over. Man very wicked, and go to h**.... There devil make punish: he burn in lake of fire. Is warm. Russian man finally happy.
So devil make lake hotter. But Russian man now is warmer. Now is happier.
Devil get very frustrate. So devil make fire lake into ice lake--lake cold as million Russian winter. But Russia man now happiest of all!
"Devil!" he say, "h**... is freeze! Russia is finally happy country!"
But is not true. Is only story.
Also, man not in h**..., only Russia.
Two scientists were walking around in Russia during winter
Scientist one: It's really cold outside, how many degrees?
Scientist two: it's -40°
Scientist one: Celsius or Fahrenheit?
Scientist two: Yes.
