Winter Cold Jokes

82 winter cold jokes and hilarious winter cold puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about winter cold that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Winter Cold Short Jokes

Short winter cold jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The winter cold humour may include short cold weather jokes also.

  1. We've had a horrible winter this year. It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.
  2. What did one snowman say to the other on the winter solstice? "Do you carrot all about the cold?"
  3. How do you make a winter solstice stew? Carefully add just the right amount of darkness, cold, and a pinch of holiday cheer.
  4. Why did the winter solstice prefer to stay inside? It was too cold for him to "bear" outside!
  5. Why did the sun break up with the winter and start dating the spring equinox? Because it was tired of its cold attitude and wanted someone who could really 'light' up its life!
  6. Why didn't The Black Pearl get cold and drafty on cold winter nights at sea? Because pirate ships have a very high Arrrrrr value.
  7. If Russia is so good at defeating it's enemies in the Winter Then how come they lost the Cold War?
  8. I bought a crystal ball but only ever predicted very cold winters. Turns out they sold me a snow globe.
  9. I used to be a fortune teller but all I could predict was really cold winters. Then I found out the crystal ball shop had sold me a snow globe..
  10. Yo mama is so fat She stays really warm in the cold. So she usually lends me her jackets in the winter.
    What a nice person :)

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Winter Cold One Liners

Which winter cold one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with winter cold? I can suggest the ones about cold outside and bad winter.

  1. A Latvian Haiku Where is potatoes?
    This winter is very cold.
    Family is starve.
  2. What's spicy but cold in the winter? Chilly peppers
  3. Do you know why no one leaves Istanbul in the winter? It's hard to quit cold Turkey!
  4. I'm usually exited for winter... But then I get cold feet.
  5. It gets cold in Alaska during the winter. Juneau what I mean?
  6. Winter in the South.. I had to turn the AC down to 67 to fool myself it's cold outside
  7. Why don't mountains get cold in the winter? They wear snowcaps.
  8. Why don't you go fishing in the winter? Because you might catch a cold
  9. Why did the kid put butter on his winter gloves? because he didnt want to catch a cold.
  10. Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
  11. What happened when an icicle landed on the snowman's head? It knocked him out cold.
  12. Why did the snowman's daughter become a stripper? Because he was so cold to her.
  13. How do you prevent a Summer cold? Catch it in the Winter!
  14. What is warm and liquid in the winter, while cold and dry in the summer? My boogers
  15. Winter in Poland is like my ex... doesn't know whether to be cold or hot

Gather Around for Fun Winter Cold Jokes and Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about winter cold you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean freezing cold jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make winter cold pranks.

Little Johnny traveled North to visit his friend during winter time.

His friend's mother saw Johnny shivering, so she said, "Come here and put your hands between my thighs to warm them up." Johnny said, "My ears are cold too."

My mother has painted a picture with such cold colours that if I want to take a look at it closely, I must have an anorak, the gloves, the winter cap and a scarf on, not to freeze.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Cold Cold Canada.

There was an elderly couple who lived in a small house, right s**... dab on the U.S. and Canadian border. For several years the two goverments had argued over which nation the house belonged to. One day the elderly couple recived a letter stating that they were now considered full American citizens and there property was deemed as American soil. After reading this the old woman looks to her husband as says "Thank goodness, No more of those cold Canadian winters.

she can't open windows.

On a cold winter morning, while her husband is away on business, a wife has a problem at home and sends a text message to her husband:
Windows frozen, it won't open
Husband texts back:
Pour boiling water over it inside and outside
Five minutes later, wife texts back.
Computer's really s**... up now...

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day.

Wife: Windows frozen.
Husband: Pour some warm water over them.
Wife: Computer completely s**... up now.

The Polish farmer

During WW2, a team of German and Soviet surveyors went through Poland to split the country.
One day they found a farm placed directly over the planned border. The surveyors agreed that the border couldn't be drawn through the house, and decided to ask the farmer.
- Do you want to belong to Soviet or Germany?, they asked him.
After some thinking, the farmer answered
- I'd like to belong to Germany.
- Why is that?
- Oh - I've heard the Russian winters are very cold

A priest went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year old church member whom he had not seen for many years...

She welcomed him into her home. While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak o**... with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a c**... was floating on top of it. Astonished and shocked, he quickly turned away. But after tea, curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it.
"Oh, yes," she said enthusiastically. "While in town last year I found a package on the sidewalk. The directions on the back said 'keep wet and put on your o**... to prevent disease.' And you know, I think it works. I haven't
had a cold all winter!"

It was a heavy winter during Stalin...

It was a heavy winter during Stalin's reign over the Soviet Russia. A married woman went to the city prison to visit her arrested husband and found out that he had been convicted and transferred to a Siberian Gulag and died during the trip.
"How did he die?" she asked.
"Pneumonia" came the answer.
"How? When? Where?"
"It was during the transit. He attempted to escape, jumped out the train and ran away. We weren't able to catch him alive."
"So, how did he die and how do you know he had pneumonia?"
"Well... He was running and got heated, outside was freezing, the bullet was cold..."

What's white, cold, falling in winter and ending with "bass" ?

The snow, d**....

Two ants meet in the south for the winter to keep warm...

...and one is cold and shivering on when he arrives. "that will be the last time I ride to Florida in the moustache of a man on a motorcycle, I'm freezing!"
The other ant says "Just do what I do, hitch a ride between the legs of a beautiful woman. It's the warmest way to travel."
The shivering ant says "That's what I did, but I dozed off, and woke up in the moustache of a man on a motorcycle."

What does Germany have during the winter?

Cold Hanz.

Tbh, Russia isin't that good at fighting in the winter.

They did lose the Cold War.

Two old men sitting on a park bench on a winter's day.

One said to the other, 'Cold out, isn't it?'. 'Yes', the other replied, I think I'll put mine back in now.'

Did you hear about the choir boys

They were charged with indecent exposure last winter, the cops found them with there p**... in the snow bank when questioned why they responded with "the priest likes a couple cold ones after the sermon"

Wife messaged to her husband

During a cold winter day a wife messaged to her husband that the Windows frozen .
Husband replied to pour some warm water on them.
After a while husband received a message again No way, the computer is completely spoilt now !

An Irish prayer...

On a cold winter night; an older Irishman walks down the street using his prized glass flask of whiskey to keep warm. Just as he returns it to his back pocket he slips on ice and falls with a crunch. As he lay there assessing his injuries, he feels warm liquid running down his leg.
He closed his eyes and said, "Please Lord, let it be blood."

A Bitter Cold Day

Q: What does a bull do on a bitter cold winter day? ...
A: He goes into the barn and slips inside a warm Jersey

On a frosty winter's morning

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
wife writings back 5 minutes after the fact:
"PC is truly spoiled at this point.

Poor Grandma

I was visiting my poor, penny pinching old grandma over Christmas break. When I tried to shower, I found that there was no hot water.
I shouted, "Grandma? Why does your shower only run cold water in the middle of winter?"
She replied, "I still have some cold medicine from last winter that will expire if I don't use it up!'

A wife texts her husband on a cold winters morning...

Windows frozen ……
Husband texts back, Pour some luke warm water over it"……
Wife replies, Computer completely stuffed now

Why don't women wear skirts in the winter?

Ever try and peel apart a cold grilled cheese sandwich?

It was a cold winter night... I sat in the corner. It's 90^o there, so I warmed right back up.

There was a Penobscot chief who predicted a cold winter.

So the local reporter went to see the chief to ask how he did it. "That's easy, white man build big woodpile".

A man went out a cold winter day

on the ice and started drilling a hole.
Theres no fish under the ice! a voice said. But the man just ignored it and continued to drill
Theres no fish under the ice! The voice said again. The man got nervous
Is it God speaking? He asked
No the is hockey coach. Now get out of the ice hockey hall!

Olie & Lena are driving down the road in their Model T...

Suddenly, a mother skunk enters the roadway with her two young babies. Olie can't stop in time and runs the mother over.
It winter time and Lena jumps out of the car to rescue the two orphans. She gets them back in and they're shivering:

Oh, Olie! They're so cold! What should I do to warm them up?
Why don't you put them between your legs?
Oh, but Olie- what about the terrible smell?
They're skunks, Lena. I don't think they'll mind.

A nun is leaving church one evening.....

A nun is leaving church one winter evening after mass. As she exits she sees two alter boys laying in the snow completely n**.... The nun approaches the boys and says "Dear lord! What are u boys doing out here n**... in the snow?" One of the boys looks up at her and says,
"Father John likes to have a couple cold ones after mass"

d**... Sporting Goods stores have all have a summer sports section in their parking lot that is packed up in the winter months, making the stores a bit smaller.

Meaning d**... shrink when it's cold.

What's the difference between depression and drinking hot cocoa on a cold winter night...

One's an internal struggle while the other is an internal snuggle.

Pet Skunk

A fellow always wanted to own a pet skunk, so in the dead of winter, he took his girlfriend with him to go hunting for one.
After a bit of waiting, they bagged a skunk and brought him back to the truck. The skunk was very scared and very cold, so the guy asks his girlfriend if she can keep the skunk between her legs to keep him warm.
"But what about the smell?" asks his girlfriend.
"Oh, he'll get used to it, just like I did."

A couple decided to go skinny dipping in Paris during a cold winter night.

Everyone called them in Seine.

Why is the most powerful man in America scowling more since November?

He can't help it, winters are cold in Russia.

A plague bearer walks into an auction house during winter.

Everyone nears him now has a chance of catching the cold-bid 19 virus.

The breakdown of what to do in all seasons

Summer:too hot to go outside so you stay in playing video games
Winter:too cold to go outside so you stay in playing video games
Autumn:too much pollen outside so you stay in playing video games

On a cold winter's morning

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer is really s**... up now.

A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami.

A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami. His first day there, he heads to the nearest beach bar and proceeds to pound down mai tais. After 5 or 6 drinks, he feels a strong urge to pee, and in his drunken state, he swivels his stool around and starts peeing right onto the sand. Just then, a young woman happens to walk by and shrieks "g**...!"
His cheeks blush as he yells back "Danke!"

What did one shepherd say to another shepherd on a cold winter's night?

I'm freezing! Let's get the flock out of here!

My wife texted me on a cold winter morning...

My wife texted me on a cold winter morning, saying "Windows frozen, won't open. "
I texted her back, "gently pour some hot water along the edges, and tap it with a hammer. "
After a few minutes she texted back, "computer is really messed up now. "

Windows & winter !!!!

During a cold winter day a wife messaged to her husband that the Windows frozen . Husband replied to pour some warm water on them. After a while husband received a message again No way, the computer is completely spoilt now !

A guy and a girl get a flat tire one cold winter's night.

The guy goes out to change the tire, but he has no gloves, and after a while, his hands start to get blue, so he comes back into the car.
Put your hands between my thighs and that'll warm them up, invites the girl. He does, and pretty soon his hands recover, and he goes back outside. After a while longer, his hands get cold again, and once again, she suggests that he warm them between her thighs. He does so and returns to finish putting on the spare. When he comes back into the car triumphant, she looks at him and asks, Aren't your ears cold?

I hate winter…

I hate the snow, the ice, the cold. In these times I think of the 4-man tent I bought on sale sometime around 1995. It's a basic tent, and it was a great value when I got it. It's hardly used now and just sits in my garage. I get such Winter Blues that I think about setting the tent up in the back yard, even though I've never gone through with that.
But alas I wonder, is this the Winter of my discount tent?

A cow is standing out in a field on a miserable winter's day.

There is a fox in the forest on the edge of the field sheltered by the trees, and he starts to feel sorry for the cow as it must be so cold. So he scurries out quickly to the cow and says, "man, you must be so cold out here."
And the cow says, " Cold! I'm Fresian!"

Russian man dies

Russian man die, but for him suffer not over. Man very wicked, and go to h**.... There devil make punish: he burn in lake of fire. Is warm. Russian man finally happy.
So devil make lake hotter. But Russian man now is warmer. Now is happier.
Devil get very frustrate. So devil make fire lake into ice lake--lake cold as million Russian winter. But Russia man now happiest of all!
"Devil!" he say, "h**... is freeze! Russia is finally happy country!"
But is not true. Is only story.
Also, man not in h**..., only Russia.

Two scientists were walking around in Russia during winter

Scientist one: It's really cold outside, how many degrees?
Scientist two: it's -40°
Scientist one: Celsius or Fahrenheit?
Scientist two: Yes.

jokes about winter cold