Wins Jokes

Why does Mexico never wins any medals at the Olympic Games?

Because everyone who runs, swims, or jump really well is already across the border.

Tom and Larry go to the movies

Tom and Larry go see a movie that features a horse race. Tom turns to Larry and says, "I'll bet you $20 that the white horse wins." Larry responds, "No way. I'll take that bet any day." Unfortunately for Larry, the white horse won. After the movie, Tom says, "you don't have to pay me. I'd already seen this movie, and now I feel bad about making the bet." Larry, looking very confused, replies, "well, so had I, but I didn't think he could do it again."

so a cheetah and a lion decide to have a race

The cheetah wins and the lion says "you're a Cheetah"
the Cheetah says 'nah you're Lion'

Winston Churchill was dining in fine company, and when asked what piece of chicken he wanted, he requested a breast. A lady upbraided him, saying, "Mr. Churchill, in polite society we ask for white meat or dark."

The next day Churchill sent her a corsage, instructing the lady to affix it to her "white meat."

What does a Bears fan do when his team wins the Superbowl?

He turns off his Xbox, and goes to bed.

Who always wins at musical chairs?

rosa Parks

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Pastor make a bet.

They say, "Whoever goes into the woods and converts the most dangerous animal, wins". So a week goes by and they all return. The Pastor comes back with a rattlesnake and says "He goes to church every week!". The priest comes back with cougar and says "His first he's getting confirmed next month!". The Rabbi comes back in a full body cast and says " You know, I probably shouldn't have tried to circumcise a bear."

Communist Russia wins the space race

Teacher: Ivan, tell us, who was the first country to land people on the Moon?
Ivan: It was our mother Russia, Comrade!
Teacher: Very good, Ivan! And what did the first Russian cosmonauts find on the Moon?
Ivan: The American flag, Comrade!

This husband wins the fight every time.

A newlywed couple are having their first big fight since being married. Things start getting heated when the husband angrily says "You know I'm right, I'm twice as smart as you!" Furious, the wife asks incredulously "What the heck, how could you say that!" The husband responds, "Well, just look at who I married compared to who you married, and tell me who is smarter!"
Use this one with caution in your own marriage :-)

If England wins to Costa Rica, it could face Spain...

...at the airport.

A man wins the lottery...

A man wins a substantial amount of money on the lottery and tells his girlfriend "I've just won the lottery! Quickly, pack your things!"
"Oh my god, oh my god!! Where are we going?!" she exclaims.
The man replies, "Who said I was going anywhere?"

An old married couple wins 10 million dollars from the lottery.

"What shall we do with all these letters begging for money?" the woman asks her husband.
"Keep sending them!"

A lawyer, a tax-man and a m**... jump off a cliff in a race to the bottom. who wins?

society

Gameshow idea

11 gay men and 1 straight man are locked in a house. The object for the gay men is to find out who isn't gay. Once a week someone gets outvoted, until 2 are left or the straight man is out. If the g**... manage to outvote him, they win 1 million dollars. If the straight man is among the last 2 people in the house in the end, he wins 1 million dollars.
Now here's the twist: None of the men are actually gay, they just think they are the one straight man.

I saw a weird competition yesterday - The first person to successfully have i**... with them self wins.

So I entered myself.

So a man wins an argument with his wife...

How about a game? You provide a random set up and we provide the punchline (PTP?). Most upvoted wins imaginary internet points.

A liberal wins the powerball!

Millionaires and Billionaires aren't so bad now after all!

Donald Trump, hillary clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins?

Society

I may not have as many Oscars as Leo anymore but...

I've still got as many Tour De France wins as Lance Armstrong.

If A Democrat Wins, I'm Leaving,

If a Republican wins, I'm also leaving.
This has nothing to do with politics.
I just really want to travel.

No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first canadian president, or the last president.

Just ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon

I'll be sure to let you know which one wins so we can settle this once and for all.

Bob Ross and Mr. Rogers fight for nicest person ever. Who wins?

They both share the trophy

I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook

where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.

If Hillary Clinton wins in 2016,

It will be the first time that two presidents have had s**... with each other

This year's presidential election shares the same tagline as the 2004 movie "Alien versus Predator".

"Whoever wins... We lose."

A man wins the lottery...

A man wins the lottery, jumps in to his car and goes home in a hurry, screeching in to his driveway. He leaps out and runs in to his house and yells to his wife upstairs "I've won the lottery! I've won the lottery! Quick, pack up your suitcase, I've won the lottery!" His wife is yells down "Woohoo! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?" The husband replies "I don't care, just get out!"

Its not surprising that Republicans lost two presidental races to Obama

In long races usually the guy from kenya wins.

What would Winston Churchhill be doing if he were alive today?

Clawing and screaming in his coffin:)

Big vote today in England. If Leave wins I predict :

Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium

So a holocaust survivor wins the lottery...

So Moishe wins the lottery, reporters start asking this Holocaust survivor about his plans for the money. without hesitation he says he is going to commission a statue of adolf h**...... the reporters are stunned and ask why a survivor of such an atrocity would do such a thing. Moishe rolls up his sleeve - "he gave me the winning numbers"

If Hillary wins I'm leaving the country if trump wins I'm leaving the country.

Not a political repost I'm just getting deported

No matter who wins the election they are going to have a build a wall on the southern border

of Canada.

A cheetah and a lion are racing in Africa

After the cheetah easily wins, the lion complains: "Man, you're a cheetah" and the cheetah says: "Naw man you're a lion".

Guy wins lottery, comes home

"Honey, I won the lottery, I'm a millionaire, come on, start packing!"
"That's awesome dear, where are we going?"
"What do you mean *we?*"

A couple have a lot of s**...

They challenge each other to see who can have the most s**... in a month. The woman wins.
Some say she cheated.

So a lion and a cheetah set out for a foot race...

So a lion and a cheetah set out for a foot race to see who's the fastest in the animal kingdom. The cheetah wins. The lion say "Hey, you a cheetah!" The cheetah says "Nah, you lion."

If Hillary wins, I'm leaving the country. If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country.

It's not like I don't like either one. I just love to travel.

My friends keep saying, "If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country!"

But I think Carlos, José, and Alejandro are all talk.

If Trump wins the election, I'm leaving the country.

If Clinton wins the election, I'm leaving the country.
This isn't a political post; I just want to travel.

A college teacher said this about the finals tomorrow.

She said "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tommorow. I might consider something like a car c**..., or trump wins, but that's all. A student in the back of the room asked "What if i was suffering from complete s**... exhaustion?" The whole class laughed, but was silenced when the teacher said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand"

If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country. If Hillary wins, I'm leaving the country.

This isn't a political joke, I just really wanna travel.

The Trump Years in a Nutshell

2016: Trump doesn't stand a chance.
2017: Trump's still trying?
2018: "Hey, are you guys going to watch the hunger games tonight? I hope my district wins"

France and Italy are in a battle against each other. Who wins?

Neither. France surrenders and Italy switches sides.

What Should You Do After Ireland Wins The World Cup

Turn off Fifa and go to bed

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are playing a card game. Who wins?

The dumb blonde does. The other two don't exist.

Greg wins £25,000,000.00 in the nationally lottery and runs home

"Margret, I won the lottery, pack your bags", "why Greg, where are we going?". "I don't care, pack your bags and get out" says Greg.

Any Irishman and a Scott have a duel at a bar...

The irishman exclaims, "You Scottish can't drink! We Irish are the best drinkers!"
Scott exclaims, "Ye don no wha ye takin boot! Any scott can drink any irishman under ye table!"
The two drink to the early morning. Who wins?
The bartender.

*A joke my son told me* - What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show?

A Cat-Has-Trophey!

Humans are being tested against the new AI program

The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because
ROBOTS CANT RECAPTCHA

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..

What time is it when your fighting rooster wins its first match?

1-0'**...

Eurovision must confuse alot of Americans

Because the one with the most votes wins

To settle their differences, Jesus and Muhammed agree to pistols at dawn, Jesus wins...

...because drawing Muhammed is forbidden.

Kanye West, Donald Trump, Justin Bieber and Martin Skreli are put in a coliseum, given gladiator weapons and made to fight to the death. Who wins?

Society.

Winston goes to church

Winston goes to church and the vicar says "What's wrong my son?"
Winston says "I want you to pray for my hearing".
The vicar puts his hands on Winston's ears and prays hard for ten minutes.
"So how is your hearing?" asks the vicar.
"I don't know", says Winston, "it isn't until next Wednesday".

Congress has finally made a decision and just announced that if Roy Moore wins the senate...

They will be ending their 'take your daughter to work' program.

ISIS and Al-Qaeda go to war with each other. Who wins?

Everyone else

I sure hope Roy Moore wins today

Alabama needs a congressman who isn't afraid to get his hands on the issues before they get too big.

Gambling is like drugs

The dealer always wins

A Man Wins the Lottery

A man wins the lottery and calls his wife.
Honey, I have good news and bad news.
The wife, having no idea of what could be going on says, Combine them.
The man thinks for a second and says, My new wife and I just won the lottery!

There's an international multi-event competition for military spouses, but the same team wins every year.

The Swiss Army Wives.

I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag.

Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery

If a man wins the lotto...

Man- What would you do if I won the lottery?
Woman- Take half and leave!
Man- Well, I won 20 bucks, here's 10, now get out!

Two cats have a swimming race aross the English Channel

One cat is English, the other cat is French.
The English cat is called "One two three", the French cat is called "Un deux t**...".
Which cat wins?
The English cat, because the Un deux t**... cat sank.

There is a game show where the person who pees the farthest wins. Guess the name of the game show.

" u**... It To Win It "

A young girl accepts a dare, and wins a dollar

she tells her mom about it, saying how the boys dared her to climb a post.
"Silly girl, that's so they could look up your skirt."
So the next day, the girl comes back and says "They tried to make me climb that post again, but I outsmarted them this time!"
"Really? What did you do?"
"I told them 'I'm not going to be fooled into reposting!"

Why did the apartment lose the bet?

Because the house always wins.

France and Italy are at war. Who wins?

No one. France surrenders and Italy changes sides

A blonde and a brunette

decide to go to the movies together. The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins." The blonde says "OK, you're on!" The scene ends with the black horse barely winning, so the blonde pays up. The brunette decides to confess; "I have to admit that I saw this movie last week." The blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't think that black horse could possibly win a second time!"

A man wins the lottery

He bursts into his bedroom and screams to his wife WOW, I won! I finally won the lottery! Pack your bags quick . The woman all excited replied should I pack for cold or hot weather? To which the man said I don't care as long as you are out of my house by noon

A farmer wins the lottery

A reporter asks him: " What are you going to do with the money?"
He says: "I'm just going to keep on farming until it is all gone.

In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."

I shrugged and said, "h**..., anybody can win the lottery."
My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"
I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."