Winning Lottery Jokes
96 winning lottery jokes and hilarious winning lottery puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about winning lottery that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Winning Lottery Short Jokes
Short winning lottery jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The winning lottery humour may include short winning the lottery jokes also.
- My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN, I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!! - My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery... I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.
- A man runs home after winning the lottery "Honey honey! We won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
"Oh my god that's amazing! Where are we going?!"
"I don't care, just get out!" - If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to share it with everyone. Not the money, just going to let you know that I've won.
- If I ever win the lottery I'll give some of the money to charity. .....And if she isn't dancing that night I'll give some Destiny
- A Jewish couple win the lottery... The wife asks Isaac - what are going to do about all the begging letters?
Isaac says We keep sending them! - What's better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.
- Did you hear about the guy who blew his entire lottery winnings on a limousine? He had nothing left to chauffeur it.
- A farmer wins the lottery A reporter asks him: " What are you going to do with the money?"
He says: "I'm just going to keep on farming until it is all gone. - Meeting my wife was like winning the lottery… …because 3 years later I was completely broke
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Winning Lottery One Liners
Which winning lottery one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with winning lottery? I can suggest the ones about lottery win and lottery winnings.
- God finally answer my prayers for winning the $15 million lottery. The answer is no.
- It irritates me that I never win the lottery Maybe I should start buying lottery tickets.
- Eskimo lottery You've got to be Inuit to win it
- I just tried to play the online Eskimo lottery. But you have to be Inuit to win it.
- What are the chances you win the lottery? 1/2 because your either win or you don't.
- What's the chances of winning the Mexican lottery? Juan in a million.
- What do you call an AI that wins the lottery? Jackbot.
- Why did the former fitter turned baker enter the lottery? To win dough.
- Capitalism is like the lottery. Every body believe they will win, but only few do.
- How come you never see a headline like "Psychic Wins Lottery"
- Ever wonder why You never see the headline. Physic wins the lottery.
- A blind man wins the lottery for 10 million dollars... I bet he didn't see that coming
- Why do we call it the lottery? Because you can win a Lottomoney!
- How much money do you get, if you win the lottery in Brazil? A brazillian dollars.
- Why did the Mexican man win the lottery? He was JUAN in a million
Delightful Fun Winning Lottery Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about winning lottery you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lottery winner jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make winning lottery pranks.
15 years of prayer
So a homeless man starts praying to god everyday for 15 years straight asking to win the lottery at least once. He never misses a day and pleads to god. One day he starts praying when he sees a flash of light and hears god yell "ATLEAST BUY A LOTTERY TICKET IF YOU WANT TO WIN!"
1st thing to do when you win the lottery
A man bursts through his front door with a look of excitement on his face. He runs to his wife.
"Honey, pack your bags. I just won the lottery!" he exclaims.
"Oh, that's wonderful!" she claps her hands, "where are we going?"
"I don't care where you go, just make sure you're out of here by tomorrow morning."
Irish lawnmower
p**... was waiting at the bus stop with m**... when a truck went by loaded with rolls of turf.
I gonna do that when I win the lottery, says p**....
What's dat? says m**....
Send me lawn away to be cut, says p**....
edit;typing
A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...
Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.
She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."
A man wins the lottery...
A man wins a substantial amount of money on the lottery and tells his girlfriend "I've just won the lottery! Quickly, pack your things!"
"Oh my god, oh my god!! Where are we going?!" she exclaims.
The man replies, "Who said I was going anywhere?"
Winning the lottery
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
An old married couple wins 10 million dollars from the lottery.
"What shall we do with all these letters begging for money?" the woman asks her husband.
"Keep sending them!"
Two Cajuns were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
Boudreaux said, "I'm a'gonna do dat when I win da lottery!"
"What's dat?" asks Thibodeaux.
"Send da lawn off to be mowed."
If I win this lottery I'd give half to charity
She treated me well at the s**... club
I told the boys at the pub that the first thing I will do if I win the lottery is buy a couple of rounds...
of ammunition to keep all you losers away.
What's the difference between the Denver Broncos and a lottery ticket
One has a better chance of getting struck by lightning than winning, the other is a lottery ticket
Might wake up early and go for a jog.
Might also win the lottery... odds are about the same.
My wife said "If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds. I figured why wait, so surprised her that night.....
... with a shiny new bathroom scale.
A man wins the lottery...
A man wins the lottery, jumps in to his car and goes home in a hurry, screeching in to his driveway. He leaps out and runs in to his house and yells to his wife upstairs "I've won the lottery! I've won the lottery! Quick, pack up your suitcase, I've won the lottery!" His wife is yells down "Woohoo! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?" The husband replies "I don't care, just get out!"
So a holocaust survivor wins the lottery...
So Moishe wins the lottery, reporters start asking this Holocaust survivor about his plans for the money. without hesitation he says he is going to commission a statue of adolf h**...... the reporters are stunned and ask why a survivor of such an atrocity would do such a thing. Moishe rolls up his sleeve - "he gave me the winning numbers"
Guy wins lottery, comes home
"Honey, I won the lottery, I'm a millionaire, come on, start packing!"
"That's awesome dear, where are we going?"
"What do you mean *we?*"
Newfie joke of the day is window
I know lottery tickets are a waste of money, but I just might win-dow
[Offensive] One from the pub again: an old Jewish man wins the lottery...
It's a big old lottery, and he has to go up on stage to accept it.
His speech? He thanks his mum, his dad, his family, and then h**....
Everyone's all riled up. They ask: why h**...?
He rolls up his sleeve, flips his arm over, and tells the crowd: "Well, he gave me the numbers."
A man wins the lottery and is of course extremely excited. He rushes home and tells his wife of 48 years "Honey, pack your bags! I just won the lottery!" The wife says "oh my god! Where are we going??"
The husband replies "I don't know where you're going, just be outta here by 5"
Greg wins £25,000,000.00 in the nationally lottery and runs home
"Margret, I won the lottery, pack your bags", "why Greg, where are we going?". "I don't care, pack your bags and get out" says Greg.
A man comes home to his wife after winning the lottery
The man says to his wife, "Honey, if I were to win the lottery, what would you do?"
The wife becomes started by her husband's inquiry but replies, "Well I would take half of it and then leave you."
With a huge grin on his face, her husband says, "Perfect! I won ten dollars!"
A religious old lady prayed everyday for wealth...
She had lived a life free of sin and had suffered greatly through no fault of her own. Every day she went to her local church and prayed:
"God, i have been all my life, please, let me win the lottery"
Every day for many years she did this, until one day, the church roof split open and a booming voice commanded:
"WELL AT LEAST MEET ME HALFWAY AND BUY A TICKET!"
Having depression is a lot like winning the lottery!
I'm heavily taxed and don't want to tell my family.
If you were to choose between winning the big lottery prize and your wife
what car would you buy?
Whats the difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man arguing with his wife?
The man buying a lottery ticket actually has a chance of winning.
A Man Wins the Lottery
A man wins the lottery and calls his wife.
Honey, I have good news and bad news.
The wife, having no idea of what could be going on says, Combine them.
The man thinks for a second and says, My new wife and I just won the lottery!
A guy prays to god. please let me win the lottery .
Nothing happens and the next week he prays again I really need the money, please let me win the lottery .
Another week passes and still nothing so he goes to the top of a mountain and screams out if I don't win the lottery, I'm going to jump! . And then he hears a booming voice...
Buy a ticket!
Winning the lottery
Wife: Do you think we'll win the lottery this week? Other people win it all the time, so why can't we?
Husband: Sure, we have as good a chance of winning as the winners do.
Harry prays to God:
Dear lord, please make me win the lottery.
The next day Harry begs the lord again: please God, make me win the lottery!
The next day Harry begs the lord yet again: please, please dear lord, make me win the lottery!
Then suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy yourself a lottery ticket?
If a man wins the lotto...
Man- What would you do if I won the lottery?
Woman- Take half and leave!
Man- Well, I won 20 bucks, here's 10, now get out!
Someone told me Im more likely to die from a lightning strike while on the way to buying a lottery ticket than actually winning the lottery.
Either way I hit the jackpot.
Walked into the house, with winning scratch off ticket in hand..
Me: Honey! It finally happened! we won the lottery!
Wife: Great I'll take my half and pack my bags.
Me: Your $8 is on the suitcase.
If you could choose between Enlightenment and winning the lottery, which would you pick?
If you choose the Lottery at least you'll have someone to spend it on..
To my high school teacher who said I'd never amount to anything...
Please use your psychic gift to tell me next week's winning lottery numbers. My mum will kick me out of her basement if I don't pay the rent I owe!
What do you call a man who smokes w**... who's trying win the lottery.
High hopes
You should buy a lottery ticket.
Because you got greater chances of winning than getting laid.
I feel about s**... the same way I feel about winning the lottery
Some thing good that happens to other people
Did you guys know that there's a 50/50 percent to win the lottery?
Either it happens or it doesn't
Both my mother and father had heart attacks and died after winning the lottery...
I was their only child, so I wrote McDonald's a thank-you letter.
If I were ever to win the lottery, first thing I'd do is hire someone to clean my kids room...
and then buy some chicken wings with the $20 I have left over.
A man wins the lottery
He bursts into his bedroom and screams to his wife WOW, I won! I finally won the lottery! Pack your bags quick . The woman all excited replied should I pack for cold or hot weather? To which the man said I don't care as long as you are out of my house by noon
A man who just won £100m on the lottery is being interviewed on TV news.
Interviewer : What are you planning to do with your winnings?
Winner : I'm going to spend half of it on expensive sports cars, women of dubious morals, strong drink, drugs and gambling.
Interviewer : And what will you do with the other half?
Winner : I'll probably just waste it.
If I win the lottery, I'm going to give all the money to charity.
After all, she's my favourite dancer down at the Jiggly Hut.
In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."
I shrugged and said, "h**..., anybody can win the lottery."
My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"
I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."
I keep thinking about doing the lottery...
But I don't think I'd have the b**... to win it.
A man wins big...
*pardon if this is a repost*
A gig worker hits a convenience store on the way home, and buys some juice, a sausage croissant, and a scratcher. Once outside he scratches the card, and wins $400 dollars. The guy collects his winnings and heads home.
When he arrives, he asks his wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?"
She replies "I'd take half the money and leave you."
"Great! I just won $200 tonight, here's $100 -- enjoy your half."
Two girls from Thailand asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said that it would be like winning the Lottery.
To my horror they were right, we had six matching b**....
Two h**... were sipping shine on the front porch
When a truck went passed loaded up with rolls of sod.
I'm a-gonna do that when I win that there lottery announced h**... #1.
Do wuuuut? Asked h**... #2.
Send my lawn out to git mowed.
I don't know why people bad mouth lotteries.
I pay taxes and odds of winning the lottery are way better than the odds of getting good government.
An old rabbi wins the lottery
The man wins $3,000,000.00
A reporter from the local TV station comes to interview him at his house
She asks him, "Congratulations on your winning! What do you plan to do with the money?"
The old rabbi answers, "I'm giving $1,000,000 to a Jewish charity, $1,000,000 to my family, and $1,000,000 to the n**...."
The reporter, stunned beyond belief, asks the old Jewish rabbi, "Why on earth would you give money to the n**...?"
The old rabbi lifts up his sleeve, exposing his arm and says, "They gave me my lucky numbers."
A man prayed to God his entire life to win the lottery.
A man prayed to God every day for 65 years. He prayed in the morning, at lunchtime, in the evening and just before he went to sleep.
The man passed away and went to heaven. The man was rather upset with the Lord and sought him out.
When the man found the Lord, he said "I've been praying 65 years. Every day when I woke up, ate my lunch, had my dinner in the evening and just before I went to sleep. How come I never won??"
And the Lord said, "IT WOULD HAVE HELPED IF YOU BOUGHT A TICKET!"
If I ever win the lottery Im giving all my money to charity
If shes not dancing that night Im giving it all to Destiny
A man keeps praying to God to please let him win the lottery...
He prays every day for years... and years... and years!! He even got his church to pray for him with diligent prayer warriors.
One day he angrily shouts at God, why won't you hear my effing prayer..!!???
God answers, why don't you go buy an effing ticket..??!!
Back Together Again
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.
MAN, I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!
A man goes to pray to a statue of an angel at his church
"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"
Then at least twice a day, if not more often, he goes to church, kneels for the statue and prays:
"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"
Then, after years of this, a miracle! The statue springs to life in an aura of light and heavenly music and then bends over, looks the man in the face and speaks:
"Please, please, PLEASE buy a lottery ticket!"
Winning the lottery.
My friend Bob won a million dollars the other day so I asked him what will he do with his winnings?
Bob said "Probably pay off my credit card debt".
I said what about the rest of it?
Bob says "well I suppose it'll get paid off eventually".
Lottery
Guy is sitting alone in his house watching tv and envious of the latest person who just won the lottery.
" God, I wish I could win the lottery"
Another few weeks goes by and again someone else wins the lottery.
"God, I wish I could win the lottery"
Another month goes by and still another person wins the lottery.
"God, I wish I could win the lottery"
That same minute a loud clap of thunder and the Heavens open up. In this bright angelic light comes a voice....... " Dude, work with me. Buy a d**... ticket"
Winner
Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
Guy prays hard to God asking to win the lottery.
Guy prays hard to God asking to win the lottery. A week goes by but he doesn't win. The next week, he prays again even harder asking God to help him win the lottery. No dice again though. For a third time, he pulls out all the stops and prays SO d**... HAAAARRDD to win the lottery, but again is rebuffed by God's will.
Guy asks God in his next prayer why he wouldn't help him win the lottery, despite his extremely swole supplication.
God responds to him saying, "Maybe help me out a little here and buy a d**... ticket!"
Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning last week's Powerball lottery.