Winning Jokes

What are some Winning jokes?

Bruce Jenner winning woman of the year just proves that men are better than women at everything, including being a woman

After winning the game, I threw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV.

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.

I saw a skinny guy getting brutally beat up by 5 huge guys! I'm not the hero type, but still decided to help out.

It felt good being on the winning side for once.

I think winning the war on drugs is impossible.

I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.

God finally answer my prayers for winning the $15 million lottery.

The answer is no.

Trump Advisor: "You should't have called Putin to congratulate him on winning a sham election...."

Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"

What's better than winning a gold medal in the Paralympics?

Walking.

What does Lebron James do after winning the NBA
Championship?

He turns off his Xbox.

A man runs home after winning the lottery

"Honey honey! We won the lottery! Pack your bags!"

"Oh my god that's amazing! Where are we going?!"

"I don't care, just get out!"

My father always taught me that in adultery there are no winners

but participation is more important than winning

So a holocaust survivor wins the lottery...

So Moishe wins the lottery, reporters start asking this Holocaust survivor about his plans for the money. without hesitation he says he is going to commission a statue of adolf Hitler... the reporters are stunned and ask why a survivor of such an atrocity would do such a thing. Moishe rolls up his sleeve - "he gave me the winning numbers"

BLONDE LUCK

A blonde was at a gumball machine. She kept putting quarters in and getting gumballs out. The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball. She said, "Shut up! I'm winning."

A man comes home to his wife after winning the lottery

The man says to his wife, "Honey, if I were to win the lottery, what would you do?"

The wife becomes started by her husband's inquiry but replies, "Well I would take half of it and then leave you."

With a huge grin on his face, her husband says, "Perfect! I won ten dollars!"

Congratulations to Ukraine to winning the Eurovision Song Contest.

Can't wait for Russia to host it next year.

New to Baseball

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

What's better than winning Gold at the Paralympics?

Having both your legs.

Trump called Putin to congratulate him on winning the election.

Putin said, 'Thanks, but why have you waited for over a year?

Winning the lottery

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

A blonde and a brunette

decide to go to the movies together. The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins." The blonde says "OK, you're on!" The scene ends with the black horse barely winning, so the blonde pays up. The brunette decides to confess; "I have to admit that I saw this movie last week." The blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't think that black horse could possibly win a second time!"

What's better than winning the lottery?

Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

What is a misogynist?

A misogynist is anyone winning an argument with a feminist.

Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong. Especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike

Getting laid is a lot like winning a war.

Its way easier in a third world country.

A man sends 10 puns to a pun contest in hopes that at least one of them would be selected as the winning entry

No pun in ten did.

What do you get for winning the "Staying in Bed the Longest" competition?

Atrophy

What's a Racist, Homophobe, Sexist, Bigot, or Hater?

Anyone winning an argument with a liberal.

So, after winning the ball game, I decided to throw a ball into the crowd like I've seen pro baseball players on TV do

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

How do you like your steak

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

Winning Blonde !!!

A beautiful blonde walks into a casino and over to a soda machine and arrives there just before a business man who's come to quench his thirst. She opens her purse and puts in 50 cents , studies the machine , presses the Diet Coke selection , and out comes a Diet coke , which she places on a counter by the machine. Then she reaches in her purse again and pulls out a dollar and inserts it in the machine.Studying the machine carefully, she presses the button for coca cola classic and out came a coke classic and 50 cents change.She takes the 50 cents and puts it in the machine , studies for a moment , and presses the sprite button.Out comes a sprite. As she is reaching into her purse again , the business man who has been waiting patiently for several minutes,speaks up"Excuse me miss , but are you done yet?" She looks at him and indignantly replies,"Well, Duh! I'm like , still winning!"

If you had to choose between your local WNBA team winning the finals and receiving $5.....

What would you spend your $5 on?

I've invented a new game. You use small breath mints as playing pieces in the old-fashioned match-3-in-a-row game. I'd be happy to teach you my strategy for winning this game, but I'll have to charge you a small fee:

Call it a Tic Tac Tic-Tac-Toe Tactics Tax.

A boy calls 911.

911 picks up and the boy yells, "Help, help!

911 asks, "What's the emergency?"

The boy says, "Two girls are fighting over me!"

911 responds, "Is that a problem?"

The boy replies, "No, but it looks like the ugly one is winning!"

So an Olympian walks into a bar...

and is promptly disqualified from her final attempt at the high jump and has all her hopes and dreams of winning gold for her country destroyed.

So a bunch of lesbians are running in a race...

So a bunch of lesbians are running in a race, and a bunch of gay guys are running in a race, Who's winning?

The lesbians; they're all running lickity split, and the gay guys are poking behind.

A blonde...

...is at a soda machine outside a gas station. A man walks up to her because he sees she has her arms full of soda cans. She put in another quarter, and yet another soda pops out. Another quarter, another can. He finally asked her, "Why do you keep putting money into the machine? I think you have enough." She replied, "I can't help it. I keep winning!"

A guy calls 911

Guy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Guy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Guy: The ugly one is winning.

Why was 6 mad at 7 for winning him a stuffed animal at the fair?

Because 711492

What's better than winning gold at the special Olympics?

Walking

Police, Police, there is a fight going on

A kid goes up to a police officer:
"Police, Police, there is a fight going on for half hour!"
The police officer asks the kid: If its been going on for half hour, why didn't you call me earlier?
The kid answers: "Because my dad was winning at that time!"

College Assignment: Short Story

So, the assignment in a college writing class was to compose a short story using as FEW words as possible, but in order to be accepted, the story had to include discussion of three things:


1) Religion

2) Sexuality

3) Mystery



The winning entry:

"God God! I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it."

Whats the difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man arguing with his wife?

The man buying a lottery ticket actually has a chance of winning.

Imagine winning the 100m butterfly...

What would you do with such a big insect?

What's better than winning gold at the Paralympics?

Not being handicapped

as i get to the soda machine...

... I find a blonde already there. She puts in some change, makes a selection, and the soda pops out at the bottom of the machine. She then puts in more change, makes a selection, and again, another soda appears.

This goes on for several minutes and I finally ask if I could step in and get a soda really quickly.

The blonde looks up and glares at me. "Are you kidding? Not while I'm winning!"

As a reward for winning a race, a young stallion was put in a compound with a beautiful female zebra.

As the next day dawned, the keeper ran to see how the stallion had made out and was chagrined to see him leaning up against a tree. His mane was disheveled, his body covered in welts from angry hooves, and he had two giant black eyes. Astounded, the keeper asked what had happened.


The stallion said, "I spent the whole night trying to take off her pajamas."

What did the monkey say when he was on a winning streak?

I've banana roll lately.

911, what is your emergency?

Help, two girls are fighting over me.

Operator: Sir, why is that a problem!

The ugly one is winning!

What's better than winning the Paralympics wheelchair race?

walking.

Men are the best..

Caitlyn Jenner winning woman of the year is proof that men are the best at everything. Including being women.

Guy runs to a police officer: Help! there are two girls fighting over me!

Officer: So...what's the problem..?
Guy: The ugly one is winning...

I wasn't sure about doing a charity marathon but...

I realised it was for disabled people so I thought I had a good chance of winning

What does Jerry Jones do after winning the Super Bowl?

Gives the X Box back to grandkids

Did you guys hear about the award winning farmer?

Apparently he was outstanding in his field. [modified repost]

My girlfriend and I play this game...

where I try to steal her underwear and take them home without her catching me. I'm definitely winning because I've never gotten caught. In her defense, though, I don't think she knows that we're playing.

A waiter ask a gentleman how he likes his steak cooked.

Gentleman: like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is then.

I hope the Orioles keep up their winning streak,

Baltimore has been on fire lately.

To my high school teacher who said I'd never amount to anything...

Please use your psychic gift to tell me next week's winning lottery numbers. My mum will kick me out of her basement if I don't pay the rent I owe!

After winning the election, Donald Trump has already started with his racist agenda...

He's already kicking a black family out of their own home.

Many years ago, there was a very lazy fencing duellist

In one of his most notable bouts, against the Marquis of Mod, his opponent noticed a very glaring pattern.

Upon exploiting this weakness and winning the duel, the Marquis approached the lazy duellist and questioned his methods-

"Why, may I ask, do you always seem to attack upon completing your parries?", he asked in a rather bemused fashion.

The lethargic duellist admitted, "It is because I know that riposting requires the least effort"

My 6-Year-old came up to me While I was paying thetaxes on my laptop

6yr: What game are you playing?
Me: Paying the taxes.
6yr: Are you winning?
Me: No, In fact I lost 6 Years ago.

Programmers today...

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots.

So far, the Universe is winning.

I don't enjoy winning against The God of Thunder...

He is always a Thor loser.

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech.
After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limousine driver commented that he'd heard the speech enough times, and that even though he didn't understand it, he felt as if he could deliver it word-for-word. So the physicist agreed to trade places and let him give the speech, and the physicist would sit in the back and wear the limousine driver's uniform.
After giving the speech flawlessly, the limousine driver opened the floor for questions from the students (typically there were none). However, at this particular University there was a rather egotistical student who thought he was smart enough to compete mentally with the Nobel physicist. The question took 5 minutes to get out and would require a rather lengthy explanation and some complex calculus to answer.
Without batting an eye, the limousine driver responded to the young student by saying, "The answer to that question is so easy, I'll let my limousine driver, seated in the back, respond."

Buddy of mine just told this to me

A lion and a cheetah set off on a foot race too see who was the faster animal.The cheetah ended up winning and the lion complained. "Hey you a cheetah". The cheetah says back "Nah you a lion".

Why would Donald Trump want to lose the election?

Winning means he'd need to live in a smaller house in a black neighborhood

A group of chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel..

lobby for discussing their winning games.

The manager can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

How to make Winning jokes?

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