Winning Jokes

183 winning jokes and hilarious winning puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about winning that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Find out the best jokes to tell that will guarantee you a winning reaction! From award winning Edinburgh Fringe performances to winning the lottery, this article will have you in stitches. Read on to discover jokes guaranteed to win over the toughest crowds, learn the difference between a trophy, paralympic and atrophy, and understand the importance of being part of a winning team.

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Funniest Winning Short Jokes

Short winning jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The winning humour may include short victory jokes also.

  1. If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States
    This is not a political post, I just want to travel
  2. The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, papers? I said, Scissors, I win and drove off.
    I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.
  3. I got pulled over by the police ... He came to the window and said papers ...
    I said - scissors, I win - and drove off
    He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!
  4. 2 blind guys were about to fight I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
    Both started running away.
  5. My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN, I sure am LUCKY!
    I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!
  6. My girlfriend just dumped me because of my gambling addiction. But I know I can win her back.
  7. Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election? Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
  8. If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country Not a political post, I just love to travel
  9. How to win the war on drugs 1) legalize all drugs.
    2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.
  10. The police just pulled me over, and the officer came up to my window and said papers? I said scissors, I win! and drove off. He's been chasing me for 45 minutes now, I think he wants a rematch.

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Winning One Liners

Which winning one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with winning? I can suggest the ones about wins and winner.

  1. What do you get for winning a muscle loss competition? Atrophy.
  2. My wife left me because of my gambling addiction But I know I can win her back
  3. Did Johnny Depp just win the defamation case or was it… misheard?
  4. La La Land wins Oscar in Best Picture But Moonlight won the popular vote
  5. Why do people with foot fetishes never win? Because they like the taste of defeat
  6. Who would win in a street fight between joe Biden and Donald Trump? Everyone watching
  7. Hey, you wanna win? Nah, we'll pass.
  8. What do cubs fans do after they win the world series? They turn off their Xbox.
  9. Why do Paedophiles never win races? They like to come in a little behind...
  10. My wife has left me because I'm a gambler. How can I win her back?
  11. America is a free country. Free to Play, but Pay to Win.
  12. If Hillary wins, I'm moving to... Benghazi. At least I know there, she'll leave me alone
  13. Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un jump off a cliff. Who wins? Mankind
  14. God finally answer my prayers for winning the $15 million lottery. The answer is no.
  15. There are only two outcomes in a knot-tying competition. Win or loose.

Winning The Lottery Jokes

Here is a list of funny winning the lottery jokes and even better winning the lottery puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery... I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.
  • A man runs home after winning the lottery "Honey honey! We won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
    "Oh my god that's amazing! Where are we going?!"
    "I don't care, just get out!"
  • If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to share it with everyone. Not the money, just going to let you know that I've won.
  • If I ever win the lottery I'll give some of the money to charity. .....And if she isn't dancing that night I'll give some Destiny
  • A Jewish couple win the lottery... The wife asks Isaac - what are going to do about all the begging letters?
    Isaac says We keep sending them!
  • What's better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.
  • Did you hear about the guy who blew his entire lottery winnings on a limousine? He had nothing left to chauffeur it.
  • A farmer wins the lottery A reporter asks him: " What are you going to do with the money?"
    He says: "I'm just going to keep on farming until it is all gone.
  • Meeting my wife was like winning the lottery… …because 3 years later I was completely broke
  • If I win the lottery, I'm going to give all the money to charity. After all, she's my favourite dancer down at the Jiggly Hut.

Winning Lottery Jokes

Here is a list of funny winning lottery jokes and even better winning lottery puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Greg wins £25,000,000.00 in the nationally lottery and runs home "Margret, I won the lottery, pack your bags", "why Greg, where are we going?". "I don't care, pack your bags and get out" says Greg.
  • If a man wins the lotto... Man- What would you do if I won the lottery?
    Woman- Take half and leave!
    Man- Well, I won 20 bucks, here's 10, now get out!
  • Whats the difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man arguing with his wife? The man buying a lottery ticket actually has a chance of winning.
  • It irritates me that I never win the lottery Maybe I should start buying lottery tickets.
  • If I ever win the lottery Im giving all my money to charity If shes not dancing that night Im giving it all to Destiny
  • An old married couple wins 10 million dollars from the lottery. "What shall we do with all these letters begging for money?" the woman asks her husband.
    "Keep sending them!"
  • Eskimo lottery You've got to be Inuit to win it
  • Back Together Again My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.
    MAN, I sure am LUCKY!
    I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!
  • I just tried to play the online Eskimo lottery. But you have to be Inuit to win it.
  • I don't know why people bad mouth lotteries. I pay taxes and odds of winning the lottery are way better than the odds of getting good government.
Winning joke, I don't know why people bad mouth lotteries.

Contest Winning Jokes

Here is a list of funny contest winning jokes and even better contest winning puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I once submitted 10 puns to a contest to see which one would win. No pun in 10 did.
  • Congratulations to Ukraine to winning the Eurovision Song Contest. Can't wait for Russia to host it next year.
  • A man sends 10 puns to a pun contest in hopes that at least one of them would be selected as the winning entry No pun in ten did.
  • I sent 10 puns to the world best pun contest... ...hoping at least one of them would win.
    Well,no pun in-ten-did.
  • A man submits 10 puns to a contest, hoping to win... but no pun-in-ten-did.
  • A man entered a pun contest in the newspaper He entered ten of his best puns hoping that at least one of them would win. Unfortunately no pun in ten did.
  • I entered a contest where the grand prize was a shopping center, but I lost Can't win the mall
  • My local newspaper ran a pun writing contest I entered my ten best puns hoping one would win, sadly no pun in ten did
  • My dad called in and told this joke to win a corny joke contest in the 70's What has two knees and swims in the ocean?
    A Two-knee fish!.....
  • So there's this humor contest... and a guy enters ten puns hoping to win with at least one. Unfortunately no pun in ten did.

Winning Money Jokes

Here is a list of funny winning money jokes and even better winning money puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Poker is like dating a women You never really win until you have a lot of money
  • Newfie joke of the day is window I know lottery tickets are a waste of money, but I just might win-dow
  • I wanted win some money playing Craps at the casino But no dice.
  • Hillary raised $380 million more than Trump and still lost. It's the first time in a long time that the big money candidate didn't win...
  • Someone asked me if you could never lie ever again, but you will win a massive lottery tomorrow, would you? I said Yes, that's the most honest money I'm ever make.
  • A teacher at a law school made a bet with a student that the student would pay him money once he wins his first case. The teacher then immediately sued him for failure to pay.
  • These darn new guys are making so much money, and don't have to leave there home! They truly learned The House Always Wins.
  • Great opportunity to make money online! Make your registration now and start winning today !!
  • If a chicken and a penguin were in a flying competition My money is on Peng-win
  • How much money do you get, if you win the lottery in Brazil? A brazillian dollars.
Winning joke, How much money do you get, if you win the lottery in Brazil?

Heartwarming Winning Jokes that Make You Laugh

What funny jokes about winning you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean gaining jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make winning pranks.

A blonde... at a soda machine outside a gas station. A man walks up to her because he sees she has her arms full of soda cans. She put in another quarter, and yet another soda pops out. Another quarter, another can. He finally asked her, "Why do you keep putting money into the machine? I think you have enough." She replied, "I can't help it. I keep winning!"

What does Lebron James do after winning the nba

He turns off his Xbox.

So an Olympian walks into a bar...

and is promptly disqualified from her final attempt at the high jump and has all her hopes and dreams of winning gold for her country destroyed.

Did you guys hear about the award winning farmer?

Apparently he was outstanding in his field. [modified repost]

So a bunch of l**... are running in a race...

So a bunch of l**... are running in a race, and a bunch of gay guys are running in a race, Who's winning?
The l**...; they're all running lickity split, and the gay guys are poking behind.

Police, Police, there is a fight going on

A kid goes up to a police officer:
"Police, Police, there is a fight going on for half hour!"
The police officer asks the kid: If its been going on for half hour, why didn't you call me earlier?
The kid answers: "Because my dad was winning at that time!"

What does j**... Jones do after winning the Super Bowl?

Gives the X Box back to grandkids

What's better than winning gold at the special Olympics?


New to Baseball

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."

My father always taught me that in adultery there are no winners

but participation is more important than winning

Buddy of mine just told this to me

A lion and a cheetah set off on a foot race too see who was the faster animal.The cheetah ended up winning and the lion complained. "Hey you a cheetah". The cheetah says back "Nah you a lion".

Imagine winning the 100m butterfly...

What would you do with such a big insect?

A boy calls 911.

911 picks up and the boy yells, "Help, help!
911 asks, "What's the emergency?"
The boy says, "Two girls are fighting over me!"
911 responds, "Is that a problem?"
The boy replies, "No, but it looks like the ugly one is winning!"

I don't enjoy winning against The God of Thunder...

He is always a Thor loser.

What's the difference between the Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Charlie Sheen?

Charlie Sheen's winning.

I saw a skinny guy getting brutally beat up by 5 huge guys! I'm not the hero type, but still decided to help out.

It felt good being on the winning side for once.

I think winning the war on drugs is impossible.

I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.

A guy calls 911

Guy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Guy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Guy: The ugly one is winning.

Why was 6 mad at 7 for winning him a stuffed animal at the fair?

Because 711492

as i get to the soda machine...

... I find a blonde already there. She puts in some change, makes a selection, and the soda pops out at the bottom of the machine. She then puts in more change, makes a selection, and again, another soda appears.
This goes on for several minutes and I finally ask if I could step in and get a soda really quickly.
The blonde looks up and glares at me. "Are you kidding? Not while I'm winning!"

Winning the lottery

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

Cat Race

So, England and France have a friendly contest to see which country is superior. They do this by having a cat race, in which the French cat, 'Un Duex t**..., and English cat 'One Two Three' will race across the channel.
The race starts and One Two Three cat speeds across the water, easily winning.
Unfortunately, Un Deux t**... cat sank.

I hope the Orioles keep up their winning streak,

Baltimore has been on fire lately.

What's a Racist, Homophobe, Sexist, Bigot, or Hater?

Anyone winning an argument with a liberal.

What did the man get for winning the muscle relaxing contest?


If you had to choose between your local WNBA team winning the finals and receiving $5.....

What would you spend your $5 on?

Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.


A blonde was at a gumball machine. She kept putting quarters in and getting gumballs out. The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball. She said, "Shut up! I'm winning."

Bruce Jenner winning woman of the year just proves that men are better than women at everything, including being a woman

Men are the best..

Caitlyn Jenner winning woman of the year is proof that men are the best at everything. Including being women.

What is a misogynist?

A misogynist is anyone winning an argument with a feminist.

College Assignment: Short Story

So, the assignment in a college writing class was to compose a short story using as FEW words as possible, but in order to be accepted, the story had to include discussion of three things:
1) Religion
2) Sexuality
3) Mystery
The winning entry:
"God God! I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it."

Breaking Celebrity News! Academy Award winning Actor, Simmons, and children's book Author, Rowling, eloped earlier today.


What did the monkey say when he was on a winning streak?

I've banana roll lately.

What's better than winning a silver medal at the Paralympics?

Being able to walk.

Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong. Especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike

So a holocaust survivor wins the lottery...

So Moishe wins the lottery, reporters start asking this Holocaust survivor about his plans for the money. without hesitation he says he is going to commission a statue of adolf h**...... the reporters are stunned and ask why a survivor of such an atrocity would do such a thing. Moishe rolls up his sleeve - "he gave me the winning numbers"

I've decided to run a marathon for charity.

I've decided to run a marathon for charity. I didn't want to do it at first, but apparently it's for blind and disabled kids so I think I've got a good chance of winning.

Why would Donald Trump want to lose the election?

Winning means he'd need to live in a smaller house in a black neighborhood

As a reward for winning a race, a young stallion was put in a compound with a beautiful female zebra.

As the next day dawned, the keeper ran to see how the stallion had made out and was chagrined to see him leaning up against a tree. His mane was disheveled, his body covered in welts from angry hooves, and he had two giant black eyes. Astounded, the keeper asked what had happened.
The stallion said, "I spent the whole night trying to take off her pajamas."

Programmers today...

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots.
So far, the Universe is winning.

To silence her critics who hail her as Satan, Hillary is set to launch a new post-apocalyptical video game after winning the election!

It's called President Evil.

A man comes home to his wife after winning the lottery

The man says to his wife, "Honey, if I were to win the lottery, what would you do?"
The wife becomes started by her husband's inquiry but replies, "Well I would take half of it and then leave you."
With a huge grin on his face, her husband says, "Perfect! I won ten dollars!"

What's better than winning Gold at the Paralympics?

Having both your legs.

A pun contest...

A man's newsletter tells him about a pun contest they are holding. The person who submits the best pun will win $10000. The man thinks,
*I could really use that money!*
So he decides he will submit some puns. In the hopes of winning the $10000, he submits 10 puns in one letter. He hoped and prayed that at least one pun would win it for him.
But no pun in ten did.

Getting laid is a lot like winning a war.

Its way easier in a third world country.

Guy runs to a police officer: Help! there are two girls fighting over me!

Officer: So...what's the problem..?
Guy: The ugly one is winning...

Why does Conor McGregor want to get a knockout within 4 rounds in the big fight?

Because as the rounds go by, his chances of winning Mayweather away

I've had a good couple of days,

I've just got back from winning the World Domestic Violence Championship.
I knocked my daughter out in the semis and beat my wife in the final.
Yesterday I entered the world blindfolded w**... championship.
I have no idea where I came though.

I've invented a new game. You use small breath mints as playing pieces in the old-fashioned match-3-in-a-row game. I'd be happy to teach you my strategy for winning this game, but I'll have to charge you a small fee:

Call it a Tic Tac Tic-Tac-Toe Tactics Tax.

What's better than winning gold at the Paralympics?

Not being handicapped

What do you get for winning the "Staying in Bed the Longest" competition?


What's better than winning a gold medal in the Paralympics?


Trump called Putin to congratulate him on winning the election.

Putin said, 'Thanks, but why have you waited for over a year?

Trump Advisor: "You should't have called Putin to congratulate him on winning a sham election...."

Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"

After winning the game, I threw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV.

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

Everyones talking about how well Kylie Jenner did to hide her baby for so long.

I personally think Gerry and Kate mcCann are winning that one.

Someone told me Im more likely to die from a lightning strike while on the way to buying a lottery ticket than actually winning the lottery.

Either way I hit the jackpot.

My 6-Year-old came up to me While I was paying thetaxes on my laptop

6yr: What game are you playing?
Me: Paying the taxes.
6yr: Are you winning?
Me: No, In fact I lost 6 Years ago.

The Germans are good at almost everything they do

Except winning in Russia

A group of chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel..

lobby for discussing their winning games.
The manager can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

What's better than winning the Paralympics wheelchair race?


To my high school teacher who said I'd never amount to anything...

Please use your psychic gift to tell me next week's winning lottery numbers. My mum will kick me out of her basement if I don't pay the rent I owe!

I wasn't sure about doing a charity marathon but...

I realised it was for disabled people so I thought I had a good chance of winning

A waiter ask a gentleman how he likes his steak cooked.

Gentleman: like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is then.

My girlfriend and I play this game...

where I try to steal her underwear and take them home without her catching me. I'm definitely winning because I've never gotten caught. In her defense, though, I don't think she knows that we're playing.

So, after winning the ball game, I decided to throw a ball into the crowd like I've seen pro baseball players on TV do

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

Many years ago, there was a very lazy fencing duellist

In one of his most notable bouts, against the Marquis of Mod, his opponent noticed a very glaring pattern.
Upon exploiting this weakness and winning the duel, the Marquis approached the lazy duellist and questioned his methods-
"Why, may I ask, do you always seem to attack upon completing your parries?", he asked in a rather bemused fashion.
The lethargic duellist admitted, "It is because I know that riposting requires the least effort"

911, what is your emergency?

Help, two girls are fighting over me.
Operator: Sir, why is that a problem!
The ugly one is winning!

How do you like your steak

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.

A blonde and a brunette

decide to go to the movies together. The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins." The blonde says "OK, you're on!" The scene ends with the black horse barely winning, so the blonde pays up. The brunette decides to confess; "I have to admit that I saw this movie last week." The blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't think that black horse could possibly win a second time!"

Waiter: How do you like your steak cooked?

Me: Like winning an argument with
my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.

In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."

I shrugged and said, "h**..., anybody can win the lottery."
My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"
I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."

After winning the game, I decided to throw the ball to the spectators...

Apparently that's frowned upon in bowling.

My wife took off her shirt and bra right when I was winning an argument.....

It was a booby trap.

Winning joke, My wife took off her shirt and bra right when I was winning an argument.....

jokes about winning