Winner Jokes

118 winner jokes and hilarious winner puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about winner that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for the best winner jokes? We've got you covered! Check out our collection of funny winner jokes that will have you laughing out loud.

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Funniest Winner Short Jokes

Short winner jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The winner humour may include short wins jokes also.

  1. Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate! The Voyager probe, flying away from earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.
  2. Donald Trump is the next President but... The biggest winner is Melania Trump. She can now call herself The First Lady instead of The Third Wife.
  3. Why did Trump play golf after the election ? Because that's where the winner has the lowest score.
  4. I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him. Judge gave me 30 years.
    So I mean who's the real winner here?
  5. My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery... I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.
  6. It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M- A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.
    Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.
  7. My father always taught me that in adultery there are no winners but participation is more important than winning
  8. If laziness was an Olympic sport I would've placed 4th so I wouldn't have to climb the winners' stairs
  9. Gambling addiction hotlines would be so much better if... Every fifth caller was a winner.
  10. With Biden declared the winner, regardless of what side of the political spectrum you're on, I think we can all safely say... Thanks, Obama.

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Winner One Liners

Which winner one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with winner? I can suggest the ones about loser and contest winning.

  1. QAnon has announced a beauty pageant The winner will be crowned Miss Information
  2. What did the winner of the muscle loss contest receive as a prize? Atrophy
  3. What did the winner of the not moving contest get? Atrophy
  4. Did you hear about the competition for the world's best Tie? There was no clear winner.
  5. What's a skeleton in a closet? A hide and seek winner.
  6. What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? Last year's winner of hide and seek
  7. The Kleptomania Championships are tonight Winner takes all
  8. People with bad teeth are the real winners They even have the plaque to prove it
  9. Be a winner. Never, ever take drugs. Sell them.
  10. Jane: I miss England. Tarzan: Me no idea you a beauty pageant winner.
  11. And the winner for the best neck wear is... Oh look it's a tie
  12. I'd love to lose some weight... but I never lose cause I'm a winner!
  13. I would love to lose a few pounds. But I never lose. I'm a winner!
  14. why did russia execute its jeopardy winner? he knew too much
  15. Did you see the winner of the Ms Saudi Arabia beauty contest? Neither did I.

Lottery Winner Jokes

Here is a list of funny lottery winner jokes and even better lottery winner puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • whenever i think about buying a lottery ticket i think about my ex and remember i don't know how to pick winners.
  • Did you hear about the recent lottery winner? It was the Old Woman In A Shoe, seriously! Guess where she lives now? Beverly Heels.
  • Why do lottery winners always go bankrupt? Because if they knew anything about managing money, they wouldn't be playing the lotto in the first place!
    - Anthony Jeselneck
  • "Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Maryland State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years."
  • Why did the lottery winner want to stay homeless? He was home-a phobic.
  • Did you hear about the new $5 million dollar Kentucky State Lottery? The winner gets $5 for a million years.
  • A lottery winner realizes years later that her life is ruined from having too much money In a desperate attempt to get her old life back, she's suing the lottery company for millions in damages.
  • Why did the lottery winner begrudgingly give his prize car to his parents? Because they told him it was his-folks'-wagon.
  • Winning the lottery Wife: Do you think we'll win the lottery this week? Other people win it all the time, so why can't we?
    Husband: Sure, we have as good a chance of winning as the winners do.

Prize Winner Jokes

Here is a list of funny prize winner jokes and even better prize winner puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I got second place in a star gazing competition once. The winner got a telescope, but all I got was a constellation prize.
  • Nobel Prize winners are a lot like farmers Oftentimes they are outstanding in their field.
  • Why did one Nobel Prize winner kill the other? Because Obama and Doctors Without Borders
  • Yo momma's so s**..., she makes Homer Simpson look like a Nobel Prize winner.
Winner joke

Loser Winner Jokes

Here is a list of funny loser winner jokes and even better loser winner puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • They say history is written by the winners... But actually, history is written by historians and most of them are losers.
  • There are no winners or losers in Thailand... just ties.
  • In a knife fight, the loser dies in the street. But the winner dies in the ambulance
  • There are no winners or losers in Fortnite. Except the losers.
  • When does a poll ever show the LOSER on TOP and the WINNER on the bottom? When Ron Paul wins!
  • What did the sore winner say to the sore loser? "So're you!"
Winner joke, What did the sore winner say to the sore loser?

Uproarious Winner Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time

What funny jokes about winner you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean winning jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make winner pranks.

Tonight, two candidates squared off in a head to head clash for supremacy. One of these candidates has to come out on top. The loser will go home, defeated.

The winner will face Detroit in the World Series

My friend Todd, who is a midget was asked to be a judge at a local art show...

While going over the entries with the other judges, they came across a particularly terrible painting.
"Oh my god, this is amazing," said Todd, "I think we've found our winner."
"Are you being sarcastic?" one of the other judges asked.
Todd replied, "No, I'm just a little art official."

What do you call a skeleton with blonde hair in a closet?

Last year's winner of the blonde "hide and go seek" contest

What did the winner of the weak muscles competition get?


Who was the winner of the first Tour De France?

The Wehrmacht Tank division.

And the winner of Pacquiao vs Mayweather is....


Ahh Mexico...

The silver metal winner of the Mexican-American War.

I challenged a guy to a game of Pool.

"The winner gets to sleep with my girlfriend," I declared.
Boy, did he look smug when he won.
Jokes on him though, I don't have a girlfriend.

Why is it that the winner of the Miss Universe contest always comes from earth?

So a man enters a pun competition...

A man enters a pun competition determined to win. He submits ten puns, figuring that way one of them will certainly get the prize. But when they announced the winner, no pun intended.

NBC: And the winner of the Gold medal is...

NBC: Find out right after 4 hour delay and several commercial breaks.

Can of sardines in Soviet Union

A man in the 80s in Soviet Union buys a can of sardines. He opens it and it's empty, but there is a little note in it:
"Not a winner"

Did you hear about the contest that awarded the winner with a cat?

It was a catastrophe.

The winner of tonight's election is...

the Voyager space probe which is currently traveling at 62,137 km per hour away from the Earth into interstellar space.

You know, I predicted every Super Bowl winner since 1996...

the predictions may not have been *correct* but still they were predictions.

What's the difference between Chuck Schumer and Tom Brady

Tom Brady is a Patriot and a winner.
(Thank you Dennis Miller)

What do you call the winner of the beauty pageant for teenagers who've had an abortion?

Little miss conception

I won $100 on a radio competition this morning.

The DJ called me and said, We are going live in a few seconds, I'm going to ask you what you're going to spend your money on and I want you to tell the listeners on air.
Okay I replied.
He said, 3…2….1….. Congratulations to Lefty, our competition winner, what are you going to spend the money on?
I said, I'm going to spend it on air.

What did the winner of the Special Olympics get?


My friend Todd is a midget and was asked to judge paintings at an art show...

While reviewing the entries, they came across a particularly terrible painting.
"Oh my god, this is amazing," said Todd, "I think we've found our winner."
"Are you for real?" one of the other judges asked.
"No, I'm just a little art official."

Beware of a new scam message going around

I just got a text message saying "Congratulations you are the winner of the Elvis tribute competition.
You have a choice of two prizes you can take,
Option 1 is £50.00
Option 2 is for 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute concert
To make your choice
1 for the money or 2 for the show
(disclaimer: stolen from my Facebook feed. Never seen this joke before and wanted to share)

There was a material election, and glass, wood, and plastic were the candidates.

Glass was becoming the clear winner.

You know what would make gambling hotlines better?

Make every 5th call a winner

Two postman compete to see who can deliver more letters, what do you call the winner?

The alpha mail

I couldn't figure out why the season of The Apprentice I was watching was going on for so long. Each week someone gets fired, but we never seem to get down to the final winner!

Then I realized, I was just watching CNN.

Winner of the National Championship for Poems - Category: "Timbuktu"

Tim and I off hunting went.
Found three girls in a pop up tent.
They were three and we were two.
So I bucked one and,
Tim bucked two.

He looked like a winner

Until the crowd started to chant his name
"Kim Yu Suk"

When asked if he will accept Trump's invitation to the White House, Triple Crown winner Justify said


There was a writing competition for a story that had: religion, s**... and mystery.

The winner was "Oh god I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it".

There was a competition and the winner got the worlds best cuts of meat

All you had to do was jump up and grab one of the ribeyes they had dangling ten feet off the ground. If you missed you had to be a vegetarian for the rest of your life.
I didn't do it though I couldn't handle the pressure,
The steaks were too high.

To celebrate the launch of the new website we are offering one lucky winner $50 in cash or a meal for 2 at an Elvis Presley tribute.

Just comment '1' for the money or '2' for the show.

What does the winner of the Boston Marathon lose?

His breath.

A first place winner at the International Pun Contest

A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins!
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

I'm a winner

That's why I haven't lost my virginity.

Cruel march madness Odds

If you want a sure thing in your men's NCAA tournament pool, you'll need to fill out the 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 brackets necessary to guarantee a winner. Just leave yourself *plenty* of time to finish them all*:* if you filled out one bracket every second it would take you 292 billion years to cover all the possibilities.

A man who just won £100m on the lottery is being interviewed on TV news.

Interviewer : What are you planning to do with your winnings?
Winner : I'm going to spend half of it on expensive sports cars, women of dubious morals, strong drink, drugs and gambling.
Interviewer : And what will you do with the other half?
Winner : I'll probably just waste it.

A Christian,Muslim and Hindu had a fight on a plane

It was decided they would all try to make other passenger stand by chanting their spiritual words. The person who made most people stand up is the winner.
There were 40 passengers on board
Christian : Bless us Jesus Christ
5 passengers stand up
Hindu : Jai Mata Di
3 passengers stand up
Muslim : Allah hu Akbar
37 passengers Stand Up.
And jumped out of the plane.

Big news today in the World Reverse-Parking Championship....

Last years winner just backed out!

Jesus and Satan are having a contest

They want to see who is the best programmer.
So the first challenge is screens. It's a tie.
Then Assembly. Tie again.
Web Design. Tie again.
Challenge after challenge nobody is winning. So after like five days the power fails. So they wait for it to come back on. Then when the power come back on Jesus is the clear winner.
Because Jesus saves.

Congratulations to the obvious winner of last night's debate...

The voyager space probe hurtling away from our solar system at over 35k mph!

One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.
And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicious of anything Foreign "

As a gamer I find it strange that Biden was declared the winner...

Trump had way more kills

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.
After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile: "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots in the wall."
"I'm sorry, too," replied the other, "because I put all of mine into your target."

So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner.

However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.

I played hide seek as a kid and the ultimate winner hid so good we never found him. Years later they found him under a pile of dirt

Turns out He won by a landslide

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.
The day on which the paper announced the contest winner finally arrived! I scanned, and then carefully read the full-page of submissions, but the truth stared me in the face. Of my submissions that should have won, no pun in ten did.

Derby winner Medina Spirit turned down an invite to Mira Lago...

...saying if he wanted to see a horse's a**... he would have come in second.

I entered a competition to see whose muscles could whither away the fastest.

The winner got atrophy.

A man wins a horse race

A man won a horse race after the other horse dropped dead before reaching the finish line.
However, the winner had a hard time enjoying his victory, because it's no fun beating a dead horse!

2 guys sitting in a bar watching the news.

A news story comes on about someone threatening to jump off a building. o**... turns to the other and says, " I'll bet you $500.00 he will jump". The other guy says, "You're on"!
A few minutes pass and the guy on TV jumps.
The loser of the bet says, " Well, here is your $500.00. I lost fair and square". The winner says, " Thanks, but I can't take your money. I saw this on the news earlier today".
The loser says, " I saw it too. But I didn't think he'd be dumb enough to do it again".

A small church was raising funds for a new piano. On Sunday the pastor said Whoever gives the most money today for the offering can pick out 3 hymns.

So they passed the offering plate around and the pastor sees a $100 bill in the plate.
He said Looks like we have a winner! Whoever gave the $100 bill can come to the front and select 3 hymns.
An 80 year old lady slowly got up, walked to the front, and pointed her finger into the pews…
I'll take him, him, and him!

They held a beauty pageant for all those Fox News blondes...

And named the winner "Miss Information".

Lottery winner

Man comes home from work yelling honey honey I just won the lottery pack your bags.
Wife yells down what am I packing for the beach, the mountains, a cruise.
He yells back up. I don't care just get the h**... out


Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

I'm thinking of starting a beauty pageant for women with Alzheimer's.

The winner will be crowned Miss Remember.

Winner joke, I'm thinking of starting a beauty pageant for women with Alzheimer's.

jokes about winner