Winner Jokes

Tonight, two candidates squared off in a head to head clash for supremacy. One of these candidates has to come out on top. The loser will go home, defeated.

The winner will face Detroit in the World Series

My friend Todd, who is a midget was asked to be a judge at a local art show...

While going over the entries with the other judges, they came across a particularly terrible painting.
"Oh my god, this is amazing," said Todd, "I think we've found our winner."
"Are you being sarcastic?" one of the other judges asked.
Todd replied, "No, I'm just a little art official."

Didn't realize how bad it had gotten...

The officiating in the NBA is so bad that at the end of last night's Knicks/Heat game the Lakers were declared the winner by 20 points.

What do you call a skeleton with blonde hair in a closet?

Last year's winner of the blonde "hide and go seek" contest

Wet T-shirt contestant asks former contest winner:

Any pointers?

Traffic

Two civil engineers were competing for a bid to do the road layout for a city. The engineer that lost accused the other of cheating, to which the winner said "Roundabouts are fair play".

Did you hear about the winner of the "understood" pageant?

she didn't have many friends on high school.

Ahh Mexico...

The silver metal winner of the Mexican-American War.

I challenged a guy to a game of Pool.

"The winner gets to sleep with my girlfriend," I declared.
Boy, did he look smug when he won.
Jokes on him though, I don't have a girlfriend.

Why is it that the winner of the Miss Universe contest always comes from earth?

Winner of the coin flip at Superbowl 50 announced earlier today.

Hilary Clinton has decided to receive.

What do you call a second-place winner at a pun competition?

a punner-up.

NBC: And the winner of the Gold medal is...

NBC: Find out right after 4 hour delay and several commercial breaks.

Can of sardines in Soviet Union

A man in the 80s in Soviet Union buys a can of sardines. He opens it and it's empty, but there is a little note in it:
"Not a winner"

Did you hear about the contest that awarded the winner with a cat?

It was a catastrophe.

Congratulations to the winner of the 2016 Presidential Election.

The Curiosity rover currently 140 million miles away on Mars.

You know, I predicted every Super Bowl winner since 1996...

the predictions may not have been *correct* but still they were predictions.

Did you hear about the spelling bee winner that also won a Tony?

Audiences loved the play on words.

I won $100 on a radio competition this morning.

The DJ called me and said, We are going live in a few seconds, I'm going to ask you what you're going to spend your money on and I want you to tell the listeners on air.
Okay I replied.
He said, 3…2….1….. Congratulations to Lefty, our competition winner, what are you going to spend the money on?
I said, I'm going to spend it on air.

I met the winner of the Annual Girls' Eidetic Memory Contest ...

...Though I'm skeptic 'bout it, as when I asked for her number, she said, "I can't remember it right now."

I'm producing a condensed, Cliffnotes-style, version of the 1994 Best Picture winner from the Academy Awards

I'm calling it Schindler's Gist.

Did you hear about the winner of the Alabama state beauty contest?

Me neither.

My friend Todd is a midget and was asked to judge paintings at an art show...

While reviewing the entries, they came across a particularly terrible painting.
"Oh my god, this is amazing," said Todd, "I think we've found our winner."
"Are you for real?" one of the other judges asked.
"No, I'm just a little art official."

Who is the only person over 60kg to ride a Melbourne Cup winner?

Chris Munce's cellmate.

News from the Zimbabwean Lotto

and for a magical 100,000th time the winner is...
Robert Mugabe

Miss Universe is rigged and I always know who's going to win before it even starts

The winner has always been a contestant from planet Earth

There was a material election, and glass, wood, and plastic were the candidates.

Glass was becoming the clear winner.

Two postman compete to see who can deliver more letters, what do you call the winner?

The alpha mail

I couldn't figure out why the season of The Apprentice I was watching was going on for so long. Each week someone gets fired, but we never seem to get down to the final winner!

Then I realized, I was just watching CNN.

Winner of the National Championship for Poems - Category: "Timbuktu"

Tim and I off hunting went.
Found three girls in a pop up tent.
They were three and we were two.
So I bucked one and,
Tim bucked two.

He looked like a winner

Until the crowd started to chant his name
"Kim Yu Suk"

When asked if he will accept Trump's invitation to the White House, Triple Crown winner Justify said

Neigh.

There was a competition and the winner got the worlds best cuts of meat

All you had to do was jump up and grab one of the ribeyes they had dangling ten feet off the ground. If you missed you had to be a vegetarian for the rest of your life.
I didn't do it though I couldn't handle the pressure,
The steaks were too high.

To celebrate the launch of the new website we are offering one lucky winner $50 in cash or a meal for 2 at an Elvis Presley tribute.

Just comment '1' for the money or '2' for the show.

My wife is really good when it comes to bread baking competitions

She's the real bread winner in our household

Cruel march madness Odds

If you want a sure thing in your men's NCAA tournament pool, you'll need to fill out the 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 brackets necessary to guarantee a winner. Just leave yourself *plenty* of time to finish them all*:* if you filled out one bracket every second it would take you 292 billion years to cover all the possibilities.

A man who just won £100m on the lottery is being interviewed on TV news.

Interviewer : What are you planning to do with your winnings?
Winner : I'm going to spend half of it on expensive sports cars, women of dubious morals, strong drink, drugs and gambling.
Interviewer : And what will you do with the other half?
Winner : I'll probably just waste it.

A Christian,Muslim and Hindu had a fight on a plane

It was decided they would all try to make other passenger stand by chanting their spiritual words. The person who made most people stand up is the winner.
There were 40 passengers on board
Christian : Bless us Jesus Christ
5 passengers stand up
Hindu : Jai Mata Di
3 passengers stand up
Muslim : Allah hu Akbar
37 passengers Stand Up.
.
.
.
.
.
And jumped out of the plane.

Big news today in the World Reverse-Parking Championship....

Last years winner just backed out!

Three cars are in a drag race at night on a highly lit up track.

When the race starts two of the cars take off at full speed towards the finish a quarter mile away.
The third simply turns on his headlights and declares himself the winner.
He says as he takes the trophy, Nothing beats the speed of light.

Jesus and Satan are having a contest

They want to see who is the best programmer.
So the first challenge is screens. It's a tie.
Then Assembly. Tie again.
Web Design. Tie again.
Challenge after challenge nobody is winning. So after like five days the power fails. So they wait for it to come back on. Then when the power come back on Jesus is the clear winner.
Because Jesus saves.

One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.
 
And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicious of anything Foreign "

As a gamer I find it strange that Biden was declared the winner...

Trump had way more kills

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.
After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile: "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots in the wall."
"I'm sorry, too," replied the other, "because I put all of mine into your target."

So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner.

However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.

I played hide seek as a kid and the ultimate winner hid so good we never found him. Years later they found him under a pile of dirt

Turns out He won by a landslide

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.
The day on which the paper announced the contest winner finally arrived! I scanned, and then carefully read the full-page of submissions, but the truth stared me in the face. Of my submissions that should have won, no pun in ten did.

A man wins a horse race

A man won a horse race after the other horse dropped dead before reaching the finish line.
However, the winner had a hard time enjoying his victory, because it's no fun beating a dead horse!

A small church was raising funds for a new piano. On Sunday the pastor said Whoever gives the most money today for the offering can pick out 3 hymns.

So they passed the offering plate around and the pastor sees a $100 bill in the plate.
He said Looks like we have a winner! Whoever gave the $100 bill can come to the front and select 3 hymns.
An 80 year old lady slowly got up, walked to the front, and pointed her finger into the pews…
I'll take him, him, and him!