winner Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious winner puns

Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.


Donald Trump is the next President but...

The biggest winner is Melania Trump. She can now call herself The First Lady instead of The Third Wife.


In breaking news, Triple Crown winner Justify has turned down an invitation to White House.

.When asked why he answered, If I wanted to see a horse's ass, I would have finished second.


I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him.

Judge gave me 30 years.

So I mean who's the real winner here?


It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M-

A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.

Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.


Three fourth grade boys get into a dick measuring contest...

The boys are white, black and Asian. They all three pull out their dongs and measure up. The winner ends up being the black dude by a long shot.

When the black boy goes home he goes up to his mom and says "mom! today I got into a contest with the boys where we measured our dicks and I won! Is it because I'm black??

She said "no Tyrone its because you're 18"


There was a writing competition for a story that had: religion, sex and mystery.

The winner was "Oh god I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it".


What did the winner of the not moving contest get?



The Lotto Winner

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife

What would you do if I won the Lotto?

I'd take my half and leave you she says.

"Great he says.

I won $12 yesterday! Here's $6. Stay in touch!


Just another cock joke

Farmer buys young cock. Young cock enters the farm and says to the old cock :
- You had your time, now you have to retire and give all hens to me.
Old cock :
- Ok, but give me last chance, let's race few laps around the farm, the winner takes it all. And you know, I'm much older than you, could you give me few extra seconds at start ?
Young cook agreed. The race beagan. Old coock started to run earlier, but the young one was very fast, he started to chase the old one, and with every second was closer and closer to him. All of the sudden the farmer grabs the young cock, takes a cleaver, chops off his head and says - Fuck me, third time in a row I bought a gay cock.


What do you call the winner of the beauty pageant for teenagers who've had an abortion?

Little miss conception


I got second place in a star gazing competition once.

The winner got a telescope, but all I got was a constellation prize.


I try not to comment about what is in the news but...

I have seen a lot of hate spewed in recent days about a man who is a constant winner and overachiever, and that's what the people who support him like about him. Yes, he's been caught in some lies and maybe twisted the truth a little but he's still out there proving his haters wrong time after time! Some people are just jealous of someone who is successful and has money. Throw in a hot foreign model at his side and they hate even more. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there's nothing you can do about it. I know its just going to get worse over the next several days, but like it or not, Tom Brady is in the Super Bowl.


Sex contest (mildly NSFW)

An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englisman challenges the Spaniard to a contest.

"We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can shag a girl between now and dawn. Winner gets 100 euros."

So they go down to a brothel and each of them gets a girl and a room. The Englishman screws his girl, makes a tally mark on the headboard, then dozes off. He wakes up a bit later, screws her again, makes another tally mark, and dozes off again. An hour later he wakes up, pounds the girl a third time, and passes out, dead to the world.

At dawn the Englisman is awoken by the Spaniard bursting into the room. He sees at the headboard and says, "One hundred and eleven? Damn it, you beat me by three!"


Ping pong balls

This joke is so old it collects medicare, but there are probably some people who haven't heard it.

A rich old dude is dying and tells his 3 sons to go out in the world and come back in one week with as many ping pong balls as they can, any way they can, using all their skills. The winner gets the entire inheritance.

The first son returns in a week and says, "I spent my life savings, ransacked every toy and sporting goods store for 30 miles, and collected over 10,000 ping pong balls."

The second son returns and says, "I waited outside the factory and hijacked a truck loaded with more than 50,000 ping pong balls."

The third son crawls into the room all beaten up and battered, barely alive, his clothes torn to shreds. In his hand he holds up two bloody objects. The father says, "What the hell is this? I told you to go out and get ping pong balls." The son says, "Ping pong balls??? I thought you said King Kong's balls!"


I couldn't figure out why the season of The Apprentice I was watching was going on for so long. Each week someone gets fired, but we never seem to get down to the final winner!

Then I realized, I was just watching CNN.


Saul, the Jewish Lottery Winner

So Saul, a 90-year-old Jew, wins the $300 million lottery. He's at the news conference to accept the check, and the reporters ask him if there's anyone he'd like to thank.

"Yes," he says solemnly. "I'd like to thank my brother Eli for lending me the $5 to buy the ticket, and my brother David for driving me to the Circle-K to buy the ticket.

"Lastly, I'd like to thank Adolph Hitler."

The silence was sudden and complete; you could hear a pin drop.

Finally a reporter raises a shaky hand and asks, "D-did you j-just say you w-wanted to thank H-hitler?"

"Yes, of course," Saul replies.

"Whatever for?"

Rolling his sleeve up, Saul points to the inside of his forearm. "For the NUMBERS!"


Finest Bat

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner!

So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood.

Dracula says, "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family."

"Very good" said Dracula.

The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Astonished Dracula says, "How did you do that?"

The bat replies, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children."

"Impressive" said Dracula.

Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned.

"How on earth did you do that????" he asked.

And the bat replies, "Do you see this tower?"

Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says, "Well, I didn't."


This joke works best told to a guy, let's call him Steve Smith..

Three midgets go to a contest for the smallest body parts in the world, in which the first place winner gets $5000. They each go to a different event and meet back up after the contest is over. The first midget says to the other 2, "I went to the worlds smallest hands contest, and I won 1st place!", and he showed them his $5000 check. He said to the second midget, "What contest did you try?". The second midget said, "I went to the smallest feet contest, and guess what? I also came on 1st and here is my $5000." The two then turned to the third midgets and asked, "So where did you go?". The third midget said, "I went to the smallest pecker contest." The other two asked, "So how did you do?" The third midget looked at them and said, "Well, I came in second and who the hell is Steve Smith."


This Texan walks a bar and taps an Irishman on the

This Texan walks a bar and taps an Irishman on the shoulder. He says, "I hear tell you Irishmen are hard drinkers. Well, I'll bet you ten bucks ya'll can't do this."

The guy orders ten beers, then gulps them all down, one after the other. When he's finished, he turns to the Irishman and says, "Try that."

Instead, the Irishman gets up and runs out of the bar. The Texan laughs and considers himself the winner.

Fifteen minutes later, the Irishman walks back into the bar, taps the Texan on the shoulder, and asks, "Hey, pal, that bet o' yours still stand?"

The Texan shrugs and says, "Sure."

So the Irishman orders ten beers and immediately slams them all down.

While the Texan forks over the money, he says, "You know, I thought ya'll were runnin' out on the bet. How come you left?"

The Irishman says, "Oh, I wasn't sure I could do it, so I went to another pub to practice first."


Did you hear about the competition for the world's best Tie?

There was no clear winner.


What's a skeleton in a closet?

A hide and seek winner.


What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

Last year's winner of hide and seek


I won $100 on a radio competition this morning.

The DJ called me and said, We are going live in a few seconds, I'm going to ask you what you're going to spend your money on and I want you to tell the listeners on air.
Okay I replied.
He said, 3…2….1….. Congratulations to Lefty, our competition winner, what are you going to spend the money on?
I said, I'm going to spend it on air.


The Kleptomania Championships are tonight

Winner takes all



The chief poet of the town dies, so they have to elect a new one. The voting whittles the candidates down to two. The town holds a feast to choose the winner. The mayor stands up and declares that the winner shall be decided by voting on the poem the candidates can come up with on the spot based on a subject of his choosing. The mayor announces the subject will be "Timbuktu."

The first candidate stands up, thinks for a moment, and recites:

It came across a stormy gale

Broad of beam and wide of sail

Its keel was white, its hull was blue

Its destination: Timbuktu

The crowd erupts, they're cheering for the first candidate. The mayor calms the crowd, chiding them to remember they still must hear the other candidate's poem. The second candidate stands up, considers the crowd with utter solemnity, and says:

A-hiking Tim and I went,

When we came upon three girls in a tent

Since they were three and we but two,

I bucked one and Tim bucked two


The winner of tonight's election is...

the Voyager space probe which is currently traveling at 62,137 km per hour away from the Earth into interstellar space.


Two postman compete to see who can deliver more letters, what do you call the winner?

The alpha mail


A man shoots a duck from the sky...

but the duck lands in his neighbor's backyard with whom he's always been on bad terms. When he walks over to pick up the duck, his neighbor comes out and says: "This duck is in my backyard, therefore it is my duck."

But the man who shot the duck replies: "That may be true, but I shot the duck. Thus, the duck is mine."

The neighbor then says: "I'll offer you a deal: We play a game where we kick each other in the balls until one of us gives up. The winner gets the duck. Sounds fair?"

The shooter thinks to himself that this is probably his best chance of getting the duck, so he agrees. The neighbor then says: "Alright, since the duck landed in my backyard, I'll start."

So the neighbor kicks the shooter as hard as he can in balls, leaving the shooter crawling on the ground for a good ten minutes. Once he gets up, still shaking from the pain, he says: "Alright, now it's my turn."

But then the neighbor just says: "Nah, I give up, I'm a vegetarian" and walks away.


The New Rooster

A farmer brought home a new rooster, and the first thing the newcomer did was track down the old rooster and let him know what was up.
"You're all washed up," he told the old-timer. "I'm the head rooster now, so you're just gonna have to clear off. All these hens belong to me now!"
"I'll make you a deal," said the old rooster. "We'll race from here to the barn, and the winner gets to be the head rooster. Surely a young guy like you can beat me in a race."
"Hah! That's easy! I'll even give you a head start!"
Without another word, the old rooster took off running. He was much faster than he looked, and not long after the young rooster sprinted after him. The gap between them was closing as they passed in front of the farmhouse, where the farmer sat on the porch. Suddenly, the farmer jumped up, shotgun in hand and BLAM!!! --- nothing but a cloud of feathers remained where the young rooster had been.
"Goddamn it," said the farmer. "That's the third gay rooster I've bought this week."


3 5th graders compare penis sizes

There are 3 fith graders; an irish boy, an asian boy and a black boy, and they want to see who has the biggest penis. So the Asian boy goes first, and its just tiny, they wave him aside. So then the Irish boy goes, its an average size. Then the black boy goes, and he is clearly the winner just huge. so he goes home and he says "mom! mom! we had a penis competition today at school and i won!" and the mom says "well Leroy, you did'nt win that competition cause your black. you won cause your 18"


My friend Todd is a midget and was asked to judge paintings at an art show...

While reviewing the entries, they came across a particularly terrible painting.

"Oh my god, this is amazing," said Todd, "I think we've found our winner."

"Are you for real?" one of the other judges asked.

"No, I'm just a little art official."


I challenged a guy to a game of Pool.

"The winner gets to sleep with my girlfriend," I declared.

Boy, did he look smug when he won.

Jokes on him though, I don't have a girlfriend.


This is shit

Said the winner of world anagram championship


And the winner for the best neck wear is...

Oh look it's a tie


What are the most funny Winner jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Winner? Well, here are the best Winner dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Winner pick up lines to share with friends.

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