Wine Jokes
167 wine jokes and hilarious wine puns to laugh out loud. Read holiday jokes about wine that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud with these hilarious wine jokes! Whether you enjoy Chardonnay, Cabernet, or Scotch, these jokes will bring a smile to your face. Perfect for wine-loving moms and anyone who enjoys a good pun!
Quick Jump To
- Short Wine Jokes
- Wine One Liners
- Drinking Wine Jokes
- Bottles Wine Jokes
- Wine Glass Jokes
- Wine Day Jokes
- More Wine Jokes
Funniest Wine Short Jokes
Short wine jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wine humour may include short beer jokes also.
- I found a wallet what do i do? I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"
So I turned it into wine. - Looked down and saw $80 on the sidewalk. Being the good Christian that I am, I thought, what would Jesus do? So I went to the liquor store and turned it into wine
- An old lady in front of me dropped $20 and I thought, "What would Jesus do?" So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
- I found a bundle of dollar bill in the street. As a devout Christian, I asked myself, What would Jesus do? So I turned it into wine.
- Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done. So I took it and turned it into wine.
- I found $10 on the sidewalk and I was going to keep it, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?" So I turned it into wine.
- I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought "what would Jesus do?" ... so I turned it into wine.
- I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it's good friday I thought to myself, What would Jesus do? . So I turned it into wine...
- A toast Wife at the dinner table: Please toast some bread for me.
The lazy husband raised his wine glass and said, "To bread." - My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine… So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she's sangria then ever…
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Wine One Liners
Which wine one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wine? I can suggest the ones about brew and booze.
- Great wine is like great jazz... It confuses me and I'm pretty sure it's all the same.
- What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common? Jesus can make them both wine.
- What's the most popular red wine?? We want our land back!!
- grape don't cry when they're crushed But they do wine
- What does a grape say when you step on it? Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.
- What's the oldest red wine in America? "Give us back our land!"
- I like my women like I like my wine 12 years old and locked in the basement
- If you were 1 when Red Red Wine was released UB40
- I like my women like I like my wine... Twelve years old and in the cellar.
- Found some money in a church yard. Thought what would Jesus do… So I turned it into wine.
- For a guy that could change water into wine, I'm surprised Jesus only got hammered once.
- What kind of wine do horses drink? Chardonneigh.
- What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
- You know what makes the Antichrist a bad guy? He turns wine into water.
- Jesus turned water into wine I turned a paycheck into whiskey. Your move Jesus.
Drinking Wine Jokes
Here is a list of funny drinking wine jokes and even better drinking wine puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I bought a bottle of wine But I was worried I might drop it on the way home so I decided to drink it.
It's a good thing I did, I fell of my bike 8 times. - What kind of wine do horses drink? Caberneigh
- Why didn't Isaac Newton drink wine? He knew better than to drink and derive.
- I bought my cat a box of wine... The selfish rascal only wanted to play with the box! Also, it turns out I have a serious drinking problem and no cat.
- What kind of wine does a horse drink? A chardo-neigh.
- Jesus turned water into wine Now I drink it to make a 6 look like a 9
- Why do priests always drink the cheapest sacrimental wine? Because it's God swill.
- Three UDP packets walk into a bar The first says "I'll have a beer"
The third says "I'll have a whisky"
The second says "I'll have wine"
The barman asks what they want to drink - So a Cop pulls over a Priest... Cop: Have you had anything to drink today?
Priest: Just water.
Cop: Then why does it smell like wine in here?
Priest: Dear Lord, he's done it again! - What's the difference between a religion and a cult? A religion drinks wine and a cult drinks Kool-Aid.
Bottles Wine Jokes
Here is a list of funny bottles wine jokes and even better bottles wine puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My German friend told me to pick him up dry wine. I brought the bottle to his house and he said, "Thanks, where are the other two?"
- Some young women are like bottles of wine They need to be tended to carefully and given time to mature, which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
- Restaurant patron: Waiter, I'd like a bottle of wine. Waiter: What year, sir?
Patron: Well, I'd like it right now. - How are cats like empty wine bottles? I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both.
- A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine. I said about 30 minutes
- A friend of mine asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine ? I said, "Ooh, about 15 minutes."
- Cop stopped me... Cop stopped me.
Me: A problem, officer?
Cop: what's that bottle?
Me: it's just water, officer
Cop: but this is wine, sir
Me: praise the lord & his miracles. - My mother in law got pulled over Cop asked:whats in the bottle?
She says :water
He says: it looks like wine!
She's: Praise the lord, Jesus did it again! - I bought six wine bottles in the supermarket. The cashier said, 'Do you want a box?'
I said, 'Alright, buddy, but I'm not much of a fighter.' - Me : *sips wine* ooh thats good. I'd like a bottle of that please. Priest : Ma'am, that's not how this works, please go back to your pew.
Wine Glass Jokes
Here is a list of funny wine glass jokes and even better wine glass puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I've finally taught my dog to fetch a glass of red wine. He's a Bordeaux Collie
And yes, he paws it himself... - What do you call a crying glass of wine? Tumblr
- I am banned from my church livestream Apparently dunking a pizza crust into a full glass of wine and then chugging it is not acceptable for holy communion.
- What do you call wine made of broken glass? Shardonnay.
- I've reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed I went to bed 7 times last night
- Why was the man happy when his glass of wine started levitating? Because his spirits were lifted!
- I've been told that red wine compliments a steak. But so far my glass hasn't said anything nice at all.
- It's funny how 8 glasses of water seems like a lot But 8 beers, two shots and a bottle of wine go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
- Jesus on the dating circuit Jesus: *hands woman a wine glass* "May I buy you a drink?"
Woman: *looks at glass then looks at Jesus* "This is just a glass of water."
Jesus: "Look again." - Which Thrill Ride Does A Wine Glass Like To Go On The Most? A Coaster
Wine Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny wine day jokes and even better wine day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I found a wallet the other day... Being the Christian that I am, I said to myself: "What would Jesus do?"
So, I turned it into wine. - I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.
- What kind of alcohol gets stuck in your head for days? Red Red Wine!
- How do alcoholics relax after a long day? They wine down.
- Yesterday i went to the doctor and he said i have some hydratation problem and that i should drink almost 2 liters daily so i started buying a second bottle of wine every day
- It's funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible...
But 8 glasses of wine can be done in one meal. - Red wine is like Hoda Kobt It's drunk every day in New York
- My dad punished me for complaining by making me crush grapes all day.. All I did was wine.
- My local vineyard announced they were now selling 72-gallon wine bottles My small town is full of alcoholics, all 72 of them sold out the first day!
- It's Valentine's Day. I'll have a date with myself. I'll have a bottle of wine and then I'm putting out.
The Funniest Wine Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What funny jokes about wine you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean liquor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wine pranks.
President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road
President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."
How did the v**... Mary know it was time to give birth to Jesus?
Her wine broke.
At this time of the year....
....there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.
And that's why I'm no longer a fireman...
It's a miracle!
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"
A Frenchman, a Mexican, and an American are on a plane...
The pilot informs them that they lost an engine and must drop some weight. The frenchman throws a bottle of wine out the window, "we have way too much of this in my country." The Mexican throws out his drugs, "we have way too many of these in my country." The American quickly tosses the Mexican out.
A man walked into a pub.....
A man walked into a pub, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be ten pence."
"Ten pence?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A pound," the barman replied.
"A pound?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
SEO Expert walks into a bar...
An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, night club, mini bar, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whiskey...
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.
The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"
"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"
"Nah, you're ugly"
Dinner with my wife
I took my (now ex) wife to dinner to "celebrate" yet another anniversary. After drinking quite a bit I raised my glass and said:
"I love you and I can't imagine life without you"
She asked "Is that you or the wine talking?" and I told her
"That's me talking to the wine"
I just got slapped by a girl for asking her, "Do you spit or s**...?"
I thought this was a very reasonable question to ask her, considering we were at a wine tasting session.
Father, what causes arthritis?
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ''Father, what causes arthritis?''
''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,'' the priest replied. ''Imagine that,'' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'' ''I don't have arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.''
Patient asks his doctor...
A patient asks his doctor, "If I gave up women, wine, and song, would I live longer?" The doctor replies, "No, but it will feel longer."
Took a Cab Home
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.
As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several drinks of Scotch followed by some rather nice red wine... a dry Chianti I think it was. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before, I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I'm not sure what to do with it.
A particularly dirty shabby looking woman asks for couple of dollars
A woman was walking down the street when she was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy
some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless
woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?" the woman asked.
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman
said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay
alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of
food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't
had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going t o take you out for dinner
with my husband and myself
tonight.
The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for
him to see what a woman looks like after she has given
up shopping, hair appointments and wine.
What's the difference between a p**... and a bottle of wine?
The older a bottle of wine is, the more you have to pay for it.
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing. It just gave a little wine.
Priest DUI
So a priest is driving along, swerving a bit and gets pulled over, the officer asks him 'have you had anything to drink tonight father' to which the priest replies 'only water' the officer then points out a empty bottle of wine in the passenger seat, the priest then shouts 'Jesus Christ! He's done it again!'
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.
After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Watson awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Holmes, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Holmes replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Sherlock says
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Watson?"
Watson was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Holmes, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!
I like my women like I like my wine...
...locked in a dark basement for several years until they are mature enough to enjoy.
Sunday in church after St. Patrick's Day
It was a sunday after St. Patrick's day in the church of a small village in the west of Ireland. Obviously all the people were more or less hungover, which infuriated the pastor of the village.
"It's a disgrace how we celebrate our most important saint by indulging in binge drinking and other improper activities. If I could have all the wine in the world, I would throw it in the river!"
There was a wave of murmur among the churchgoers.
"If I could have all the beer in the world, I would throw it in the river as well!"
The people put their heads down in guilt, thinking about what they had done.
"If I could have all the SPIRITS in the world, I would throw them in the river with the beer and the wine!"
Now the church was completely silent.
After a short while, the musical conductor of the church spoke up, "Now let us sing hymn number 369, *'Shall We Gather at the River?'*"
---
I heard this story from the ambassador of Ireland in Finland.
A young boy and his father are walking through a park when they see two dogs doing the dirty.
Boy: "Daddy, what are they doing?"
Dad: "Oh...uh...they're just making a puppy."
Later that night daddy and mommy put the boy to sleep and go off to their bedroom. After a couple glasses of wine they get at it. Suddenly the door opens and their son is standing at the foot of the bed.
Boy: "Daddy, what are you and mommy doing?"
Dad: "Oh...We're just making a baby."
Boy: "Well turn mommy over because I want a puppy."
Jesus at Last Supper
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*...
Judas: I'm gonna stop u right there
A lion goes into a restaurant
He sits down, and starts looking through the menu. After a while, the waiter comes over.
"What would you like to drink, sir?" Asked the waiter.
"A glass of the house wine please." The lion responds.
"Excellent choice sir! Might I recommend the Salmon for the starter?"
"Sounds delicious!"
"And what can I get you for your main?"
"Oh, just a comb."
A woman dropped a $10 note next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?'
I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I found a wallet with 300 dollars in it yesterday...
I thought to my self "What would jesus do?" so I turned it into wine.
Sherlock and Watson take a vacation
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
What austrian girls and wine have in common?
Both mature in a cellar.
What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer?
Wine
Jesus holds up the bread...
Jesus holds up the bread and says, "This is my body."
Next, Jesus hold up the wine and says, "This is my blood."
After that, Jesus holds up the mayonnaise and Peter says, "That's enough!"
Studies find if a woman has a glass of wine a day increases the chances of a s**....
If you let her have more she might s**... it too.
I got chatting with a girl in a bar....
"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that!" she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please.
A few drinks later, we kissed and cuddled and headed back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out!"
A taxi driver and a priest go to heaven.
Both appear at roughly the same time at the pearly gates. The priest is given some wine and cheese. The taxi driver is given a yacht, a boat, a mansion and a box of diamonds.
The priest looks at St. Peter and says: "I was a priest for many years but all I get is a little house and some food. This guy gets all this stuff and he drove a taxi."
St. Peter says "Yes, but we go by results. When you gave sermons people slept, when he drove people prayed."
A state trooper pulls over a priest
A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Step 1: Walk on water. Step 2: Turn water into wine.
Step 3: Prophet
Jesus walks into a bar
The barman looks up and asks "We don't serve wine here"
Jesus looks at him quizzically and goes to look for a Spanish translator because he had just immigrated from Mexico and English was not his first language.
I found a wallet today, and as a practicing Christian, I asked myself "what would Jesus do?"
So I turned it into wine.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turned wine into v**....
Your turn Jesus.
My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.
"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.
"No," she replied.
"Then why did you buy so much bread?"
The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows...
It seemed like a perfectly reasonable question, considering we work as wine tasters...
Jesus and the disciples are at the last supper...
Jesus holds up a piece of bread and says, "This is my body."
Then he holds up a cup of wine, saying," This is my blood."
Then he holds up a jar of mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."
If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a s**... by 50%
Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably s**... it as well.
A priest is pulled over for speeding...
Smelling alcohol on the priest breath and noticing a wine bottle in the passenger seat of the car, the highway patrolman asks, "father, have you been drinking?"
"just water," the priest replies.
"Then why do I smell wine on your breath?" quipped the patrolman.
The priest looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "good Lord he's done it again".
Edited for u/littlekiing
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.
He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...
So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"
I saw a guy drop a 100 dollar bill, I picked it up and asked myself: "what would Jesus do?"
......So I turned it into wine
My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size
... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.
I've been feeling really stressed lately, so my doctor advised me that before going to bed, I should drink two glasses of red wine, after a hot bath, but to be honest, it's not really helping at all...
...I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
My wife phoned me in a panic. She said, "How do you get wine out of the carpet?!"
"No idea," I replied. "I usually get mine out of the fridge."
Good ol'e USA
18: can I buy a bottle of wine?
USA: no that's i**... & irresponsible
18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education?
USA: we encourage it
Worms
Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:
1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water
The next day, the teacher shows the results:
The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.
The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?
And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.
A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he's needs a drink so he goes to a local bar
He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks you ain't from around here are you?
No sir, He says, I'm from Minnesota
What the h**... do you do in Minnesota the bartender asks.
Im a taxidermist! The man replies.
What the h**... is that!? The bartender asks.
The guy says nervously I umm, mount dead animals
The bartender smiles and shouts out to the whole bar it's ok fellas, he's one of us!
What do a glass of water and an atheist have in common?
Jesus can make them both wine.
Irish Confession
Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive I think its been a while since I've been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!
A guy walks into a r**... bar.
A guy walks into a r**... bar and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see some flamboyant Yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
"No sir," the guy says, "I'm from North Dakota."
"North Dakota?" the bartender asks. "What the h**... you do in North Dakota?"
"I'm a taxidermist," the guy replies.
"A taxidermist, what the h**... is that?" the bartender asks.
The guy says nervously, "Um, I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay fellas, he's one of us!"
To impress his date, Ron took her to a very chic Italian restaurant.
After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered for the both of them. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.
"That's the manager." said the waiter.
I took a bike-ride to the bottle shop today to get a bottle of red wine then headed home. I thought to myself, 'What if I fell off and my bottle broke?' So I drank it all before I cycled home.
That turned out to be a wise decision because I fell off seven times before I got to our house.
At the last supper, Jesus breaks the bread and says "this is my body", pours the wine and says "this is my blood"...
...and then opens a jar of mayo and Judas says "Okay buddy I'm gonna stop you right there."
I swear Grandma didn't send this to me on Facebook...
Doctor - so, what did you have for dinner last night?
Patient - I had a fruit salad.
D - only fruit salad? Well, that should help with your cholesterol. And strawberries are very high in...
P - well, it was mostly grapes.
D - mostly?
P - well, all grapes.
D - still, fresh grapes are...
P - they weren't overly fresh. Well, a little older, maybe. Fermented?
D - ...
P - Okay, wine. I had wine for dinner.
A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?""Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again
At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me."
Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.
