The Best 64 Wine Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Wine jokes. There are some wine cellar jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these wine wine and cheese puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Wine Jokes and Puns

It's a miracle!

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Dinner with my wife

I took my (now ex) wife to dinner to "celebrate" yet another anniversary. After drinking quite a bit I raised my glass and said:

"I love you and I can't imagine life without you"

She asked "Is that you or the wine talking?" and I told her

"That's me talking to the wine"

A toast

Wife at the dinner table: Please toast some bread for me.
The lazy husband raised his wine glass and said, "To bread."

Wine joke, A toast

A particularly dirty shabby looking woman asks for couple of dollars

A woman was walking down the street when she was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy
some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless
woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?" the woman asked.

"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman
said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay
alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of
food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't
had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going t o take you out for dinner
with my husband and myself
tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for
him to see what a woman looks like after she has given
up shopping, hair appointments and wine.

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

Nothing. It just gave a little wine.


Some young women are like bottles of wine

They need to be tended to carefully and given time to mature, which is why I keep a few in my cellar.

For a guy that could change water into wine, I'm surprised Jesus only got hammered once.

Wine joke, For a guy that could change water into wine, I'm surprised Jesus only got hammered once.

Jesus at Last Supper

*breaks bread* This is my body

*pours wine* This is my blood

*opens jar of mayo*...

Judas: I'm gonna stop u right there

I found a wallet the other day...

Being the Christian that I am, I said to myself: "What would Jesus do?"

So, I turned it into wine.

An old lady in front of me dropped $20 and I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

What kind of wine do horses drink?

Chardonneigh.

You can explore wine cabernet reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean wine communion dad jokes. There are also wine puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A lion goes into a restaurant

He sits down, and starts looking through the menu. After a while, the waiter comes over.
"What would you like to drink, sir?" Asked the waiter.
"A glass of the house wine please." The lion responds.
"Excellent choice sir! Might I recommend the Salmon for the starter?"
"Sounds delicious!"
"And what can I get you for your main?"
"Oh, just a comb."

What's the oldest red wine in America?

"Give us back our land!"

A woman dropped a $10 note next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?'

I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

I found a wallet with 300 dollars in it yesterday...

I thought to my self "What would jesus do?" so I turned it into wine.

Great wine is like great jazz...

It confuses me and I'm pretty sure it's all the same.

Wine joke, Great wine is like great jazz...

What did the grape say when it got crushed?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

I like my women like I like my wine...

Twelve years old and in the cellar.

Jesus holds up the bread...

Jesus holds up the bread and says, "This is my body."

Next, Jesus hold up the wine and says, "This is my blood."

After that, Jesus holds up the mayonnaise and Peter says, "That's enough!"


Jesus turned water into wine

I turned a paycheck into whiskey. Your move Jesus.

Studies find if a woman has a glass of wine a day increases the chances of a stroke.

If you let her have more she might suck it too.

My German friend told me to pick him up dry wine.

I brought the bottle to his house and he said, "Thanks, where are the other two?"

What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common?

Jesus can make them both wine.

I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought "what would Jesus do?"

... so I turned it into wine.

A taxi driver and a priest go to heaven.

Both appear at roughly the same time at the pearly gates. The priest is given some wine and cheese. The taxi driver is given a yacht, a boat, a mansion and a box of diamonds.

The priest looks at St. Peter and says: "I was a priest for many years but all I get is a little house and some food. This guy gets all this stuff and he drove a taxi."

St. Peter says "Yes, but we go by results. When you gave sermons people slept, when he drove people prayed."

A state trooper pulls over a priest

A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

I like my women like I like my wine

12 years old and locked in the basement

Jesus walks into a bar

The barman looks up and asks "We don't serve wine here"
Jesus looks at him quizzically and goes to look for a Spanish translator because he had just immigrated from Mexico and English was not his first language.

I found a wallet today, and as a practicing Christian, I asked myself "what would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

What's the most popular red wine??

We want our land back!!

What does a grape say when you step on it?

Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.

Jesus turned water into wine.

I turned wine into vomit.
Your turn Jesus.

My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.

"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.

"No," she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much bread?"

The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows...

It seemed like a perfectly reasonable question, considering we work as wine tasters...

Jesus and the disciples are at the last supper...

Jesus holds up a piece of bread and says, "This is my body."

Then he holds up a cup of wine, saying," This is my blood."

Then he holds up a jar of mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."

You know what makes the Antichrist a bad guy?

He turns wine into water.

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%

Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.

A priest is pulled over for speeding...

Smelling alcohol on the priest breath and noticing a wine bottle in the passenger seat of the car, the highway patrolman asks, "father, have you been drinking?"

"just water," the priest replies.

"Then why do I smell wine on your breath?" quipped​ the patrolman.

The priest looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "good Lord he's done it again".

Edited for u/littlekiing

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.

He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

He says: "Have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...

So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"

I saw a guy drop a 100 dollar bill, I picked it up and asked myself: "what would Jesus do?"

......So I turned it into wine

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size

... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.

So I took it and turned it into wine.

Good ol'e USA

18: can I buy a bottle of wine?

USA: no that's illegal & irresponsible

18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education?

USA: we encourage it

Worms

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:

1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water

The next day, the teacher shows the results:

The 1st worm in beer, dead.

The 2nd in wine, dead.

The 3rd in whiskey, dead.

The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:

- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:

- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.

I found a wallet what do i do?

I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he's needs a drink so he goes to a local bar

He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks you ain't from around here are you?

No sir, He says, I'm from Minnesota

What the hell do you do in Minnesota the bartender asks.

Im a taxidermist! The man replies.

What the hell is that!? The bartender asks.

The guy says nervously I umm, mount dead animals

The bartender smiles and shouts out to the whole bar it's ok fellas, he's one of us!

Whaβ€Œβ€Œt dβ€Œβ€Œo β€Œβ€Œa glasβ€Œβ€Œs oβ€Œβ€Œf wateβ€Œβ€Œr anβ€Œβ€Œd aβ€Œβ€Œn atheisβ€Œβ€Œt havβ€Œβ€Œe iβ€Œβ€Œn common?

Jesuβ€Œβ€Œs caβ€Œβ€Œn makβ€Œβ€Œe theβ€Œβ€Œm botβ€Œβ€Œh wine.

Irish Confession

Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive I think its been a while since I've been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!

To impress his date, Ron took her to a very chic Italian restaurant.

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered for the both of them. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.



"That's the manager." said the waiter.

Grapes don't cry when they're crushed

But they do wine

A Macaroni, a Penne and a Spaghetti were drinking wine in a bar one evening. They saw a noodle sitting by himself and discussed inviting him to join them.

They all agreed he looked Cannelloni.

EDIT; Thank you for all the awards, I guess I pasta test!

What happens when you step on a grape?

It let's out a little wine

I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it's Good Friday I thought to myself, What would Jesus do? .

So I turned it into wine...

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

**waiter:** white or red?

**me, trying to impress my date:** whichever onion the chef prefers

I bought a bottle of wine

But I was worried I might drop it on the way home so I decided to drink it.

It's a good thing I did, I fell of my bike 8 times.

What kind of wine does a horse drink?

A chardo-neigh.

A worker was stopped by a cop at the gates of a winery

Cop: "Sorry the winery is closed today due to an ongoing investigation. Please go home."

Worker: "What happened?"

Cop: "One of your colleagues fell into a wine tank and ended up drowning."

Worker: "Oh my God. That is terrible."

Cop: "It appears he died doing what he loved doing."

Worker: "How can you say that! Everyone hates working here!"

Cop: "Well, the CCTV footage showed him getting out of the tank five times to take a piss."

If batman didn't fight crime, he would have opened a vineyard...

... Because he brews wine.

(Sorry)

A priest and a police officer walk into a bar.

A priest and a police officer walk into a bar. They each spend some time drinking, before both leaving.

The priest goes to his car, and the officer sees he is having difficulty to walk.

As he goes to enter, the officer stops him. He says "are you in a fit state to drive, reverend?"

He replied "yes, I have only had water."

The officer says "that's a lie, I can smell wine on your breath"

The priest looks to the sky and says "You did it again, lord!"

Did you hear about the priest who went mad and poisoned the wine at church?

He was tried for mass murder

Found some money in a church yard. Thought what would Jesus do…

So I turned it into wine.

What happens to grapes when you step on them?

They wine!

did you hear about the wine they made from a tire?

appearantly it was a goodyear

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the wine christmas wine jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working wine wine snob piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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