Wine Glass Jokes
84 wine glass jokes and hilarious wine glass puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about wine glass that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Wine Glass Short Jokes
Short wine glass jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The wine glass humour may include short pint glass jokes also.
- A toast Wife at the dinner table: Please toast some bread for me.
The lazy husband raised his wine glass and said, "To bread." - I've finally taught my dog to fetch a glass of red wine. He's a Bordeaux Collie
And yes, he paws it himself... - I am banned from my church livestream Apparently dunking a pizza crust into a full glass of wine and then chugging it is not acceptable for holy communion.
- I've reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed I went to bed 7 times last night
- Why was the man happy when his glass of wine started levitating? Because his spirits were lifted!
- I've been told that red wine compliments a steak. But so far my glass hasn't said anything nice at all.
- It's funny how 8 glasses of water seems like a lot But 8 beers, two shots and a bottle of wine go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
- Jesus on the dating circuit Jesus: *hands woman a wine glass* "May I buy you a drink?"
Woman: *looks at glass then looks at Jesus* "This is just a glass of water."
Jesus: "Look again." - Hilary Clinton and Seth Rich walk into a bar... The bartender says "What'll you have?"
Hilary says "I'll have a glass of wine, and he'll have 2 shots in the back" - Two cashews walk into a bar... The Bartender says "How about a glass of our most expensive wine?"
The Cashews reply, "Do you think we're Nuts?!"
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Wine Glass One Liners
Which wine glass one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with wine glass? I can suggest the ones about empty glass and broken glass.
- What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common? Jesus can make them both wine.
- What do you call a crying glass of wine? Tumblr
- What do you call wine made of broken glass? Shardonnay.
- Which Thrill Ride Does A Wine Glass Like To Go On The Most? A Coaster
- What did the wine glass say to the beer mug turning 1 years old? Have a hoppy birthday!
- I don't need a reason to enjoy a little wine. I just need a glass.
- I have joy in my heart and a glass of wine in my hand.
Coincidence? - Always remember:
There is not problem that 6 glasses of wine can't solve.
Wine Glass Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about wine glass you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean float glass jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make wine glass pranks.
A salesmen rang a house doorbell and it was answered by a kid wearing a top hat, a purple cape, smoking a cigar and drinking a glass of white wine.
The salesmen asked: "Are your parents home?"
The kid replied: "What does it look like?"
I was sat with my wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, when she said, "I love you so much, you know. I don't know how I could ever live without you."
I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She said, "It's me talking to the wine.
It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full.
There's clearly room for more wine.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.
It's funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible...
But 8 glasses of wine can be done in one meal.
a man walks into a bar & orders nine glasses of wine...
the bartender starts to pour them but can't keep up with how fast the man is drinking them! he says "sir, if I may ask, why are you drinking like this?" he replies "you'd be drinking this way if you had what I have." the bartender looking shocked asked "sir, what is it you have??" he replies "a dollar".
How could I ever live without you?
An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says.
"I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you"
Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?" ... She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."
Location Location Location!
A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.
The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.
The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton."
The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.
Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.
"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."
Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."
Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes"
A foreign dignitary visiting Russia...
was invited to have dinner with Catherine the Great. After a few glasses of wine the man asked the Empress "Your majesty I probably shouldn't ask you this but I've been hearing stories lately and I must know, Are the rumors true?"
The woman's face turned bright red "I don't know where people come up with these things," she told the man quickly."I would never have s**... with a horse."
The man sat for a moment clearly embarrassed and after a long uncomfortable silence said "So Russia is not going to invade Poland?"
Dinner with my wife
I took my (now ex) wife to dinner to "celebrate" yet another anniversary. After drinking quite a bit I raised my glass and said:
"I love you and I can't imagine life without you"
She asked "Is that you or the wine talking?" and I told her
"That's me talking to the wine"
Jacque LaRock...Famous French Fighter Pilot
(This joke is typically done in a French accent)
A famous French fighter pilot walks into a bar and orders a glass red and white wine. He sees a beautiful woman, walks up to her, kisses her on the lips and then takes a sip of his red wine. I am Jacque LaRock, famous French fighter pilot! If I taste ze red meat, I must have ze red wine. Ze woman blushes, Oh Jacque!
He takes her to ze backroom. Things start to progress a little further, he starts to kiss her on ze breast and takes a sip of his white wine, saying I am Jacque LaRock, famous French fighter pilot! If I taste ze white meat, I must have ze white wine. Ze woman blushes again, Oh Jacque!
Things start to progress even further, he lifts up her skirt, goes under white grabbing a bottle of 151 and a lighter... At this point ze woman stops him and says, Oh Jacque, I understand ze red meat with ze red wine, and ze white meat with ze white wine, but I don't understand ze 151 and ze lighter? Jacque stops and looks at her very stern… I am Jacque LaRock… famous French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!
A Sad Story
So there was this man in one corner of a bar. He was alone. He looked sad, and on his table was littered with glasses, cans of empty beer, and bottles of half dranked wine; tattle-tale signs of a problematic man, drinking heavily to forget his grief. Every now and then he would give out a very heavy sigh.
Seeing as this man needed someone to talk to, I then approached the man. We talked about his work, his kids, and other stuff; you know typical guy to guy chit-chat.
We had more drinks, the guy started to become more drunk.
He started crying and talked about his problems;the d**... in his work and how everyone hates him in the work place.Turns out he was big time. CEO of a well known oil company.
What I could not forget, was the conversation before he passed out from being too drunk.
"My wife made a millionaire out of me, " he said while sobbing like a baby.
I said, " But dude, isnt that like, a good thing? What were you before?"
"A multi-millionaire," then he passed out.
A rancher dies and leaves everything to his wife
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Muhammad, Jesus and Buddha walks into a bar...
The bartender asks each of them what they want.
Muhammad orders a glass of cranberry juice.
Jesus orders a glass of water, and promptly turns it into wine.
Then the bartender asks Buddha, "what do you want?"
Buddha replies, "Make me one with everything."
This happened to an Englishman in France who was quite drunk
The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to perform a breath test on him and asks the Englishman if he knows why he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers: No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side?
Five Men Walk Into A Bar...
The Irishman turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have a Pint of Guinness."
The Brit turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have a Gin and Tonic."
The Frenchman turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have a Glass of Wine."
The German turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have a Stein of Lager"
The Bartender brings them all their drinks, then turns to the last man and asks what he wants.
The Australian turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have two of whatever these ladies are having."
Three guys walk into a bar, an air force pilot, a marine, and a police officer...
The pilot says "I'll have a pint of your finest lager." The bartender serves him some beer. The marine says, "Line up three shots of r**...." The bartender obliges. Finally the cop says "Give me a glass of cabernet." The bartender gives the cop his wine. The three men pay, have their drinks and leave.
The bartender looks bemused as though he expected something different. He sets out some tumblers, and starts pouring gingerale into each one. He follows with some orange juice. The old wino at the end of the bar asks him what's up. He says "After all this, I felt we needed a punch line."
A woman, man and a midget walk into a bar....
The woman orders a glass of red wine and the man orders a beer. The midget orders a shot of whiskey, "Can you put it on my tab?" asks the midget. The bartender replies, "I'm sorry, but it looks like you're a bit short."
A Priest and a Rabbi are driving towards each other on the highway...
When all of a sudden a tire blows out on the Rabbi's car and they c**... into each other head on. They both get out of the vehicle and by some miracle they both suffer no injuries while both cars are wrecked beyond belief.
the rabbi says "wow this really must of beens god's work to keep us both alive and unharmed"
priest " i know, even though we may have disagreements with some things, we both can agree that god is looking out for us"
the Rabbi goes over to the wreckage and sees a bottle of wine that managed to survive the c**... and says to the priest
"not only did we both come out unharmed so did this bottle of wine, it must be a sign from god to put aside our differences and reconcile over a glass of wine.
priest " i agree"
so the rabbi opens up the bottle and hands it to the priest. The priest takes the bottle and drinks about half and gives it back to the rabbi.
the rabbi goes " thats ok, i wont drink it till the cops come"
How to cook a turkey
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Turkey Dinner Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Cup of Beer Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Alcoholic Beverage Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Bottle of Wine Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Turkey Dinner Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!
A young boy and his father are walking through a park when they see two dogs doing the dirty.
Boy: "Daddy, what are they doing?"
Dad: "Oh...uh...they're just making a puppy."
Later that night daddy and mommy put the boy to sleep and go off to their bedroom. After a couple glasses of wine they get at it. Suddenly the door opens and their son is standing at the foot of the bed.
Boy: "Daddy, what are you and mommy doing?"
Dad: "Oh...We're just making a baby."
Boy: "Well turn mommy over because I want a puppy."
Take a cab if you're drinking
With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you all about drinking and driving after a "social event" with friends.
This past Friday, I was out on a post-Thanksgiving evening with several friends. I had a
few cocktails, followed by several glasses of wine. Despite my jolliness, I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a police road block on the highway but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was both a great relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from and, now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
Be safe out there
A young woman has been hinting to her new boyfriend that she wants to get married...
She decides that the quickest way to force the issue would be to get pregnant. That night they go out to dinner and have several glasses of wine and afterwards she suggests they go back to her place and see where things go. So they do just that and almost right away she takes him into the bedroom and they're having crazy s**... until they're both just spent. Afterwards she says, "That was wonderful dear, what should we name the baby?". He calmly pulls off a c**..., ties it in a knot and says, "Sweetheart, if he gets out of this we'll name him Houdini!"
Great Medical Fact about Girls.
A glass of wine every day increases the risk of a s**.... Allow her to finish the bottle and she might s**... you off as well.
A blind man walks into a bar
I'll have a glass of wine, he says.
Red or white, the bartender asks.
It doesn't matter, he answers, I'm blind.
A lion goes into a restaurant
He sits down, and starts looking through the menu. After a while, the waiter comes over.
"What would you like to drink, sir?" Asked the waiter.
"A glass of the house wine please." The lion responds.
"Excellent choice sir! Might I recommend the Salmon for the starter?"
"Sounds delicious!"
"And what can I get you for your main?"
"Oh, just a comb."
Jesus at the Last Supper.
Jesus:
*breaks bread* - This is my body!
*holds a glass of wine* - This is my blood.
*starts to open a jar of mayo*
Judas: Sorry Jesus, I will have to stop you there.
A Frenchman, a German, a Russian, and a Jew walk into a bar.
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. Could I have a glass of wine?"
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. Could I have a pint of beer?"
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. Could I have a shot of v**...?"
The Jew wonders, "I'm tired and thirsty. Could I have diabetes?"
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said, It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass...
This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.
"Correct."
A third glass...
"It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of u**....
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
Studies find if a woman has a glass of wine a day increases the chances of a s**....
If you let her have more she might s**... it too.
So a man in a wheelchair is having dinner at a restaurant.
The waiter comes over and asks: "Would you like a glass of wine"? To this the man replies: "No thanks, I'm driving".
If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a s**... by 50%
Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably s**... it as well.
Hurricane Irma was coming, and my mother was thirsty.
My mother has a glass of port wine with almost
every dinner, and insists that any guests over 21 do the same. A handful of my friends have also come to wait out the storm with us, as they had to evacuate. While at the grocery store stocking up on food, my mother insists on getting more wine for our guests. However, the grocery store was out of her favourite brand. It's okay. She said. Any Port in a storm.
Speaking as a Jewish couple, you know what the worst part of the divorce is?
Putting that wine glass back together, oy vey.
A ghost floats into a bar
He stops at the bar and says Barkeep, I'll take a glass of your finest wine.
The bartender doesn't respond.
The ghost is angered and says, Your finest wine, or I'm going to haunt your bar.
Still no response from the bartender.
The ghost says, Hey buddy, what's your problem??
The bartender looks at him and says, We don't serve spirits here.
As I looked into her eyes...
Together we sipped wine and as I looked into her eyes, my knees got weak and I could feel butterflies in my stomach...
I knew then and there that I had roofied the wrong glass!
I've been feeling really stressed lately, so my doctor advised me that before going to bed, I should drink two glasses of red wine, after a hot bath, but to be honest, it's not really helping at all...
...I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
Don't you love sitting on the sofa late at night with a glass of wine in your hand?
Until the police come along and e**... you out of IKEA.
This one takes some thinking.
A guy takes his date to a dinner at the local country club. It's an unusual setup: People have to wait in separate lines for each type of food.
As his date sits down, the guy volunteers to go get their dinner. First he waits in the line for the roast beef. Then he waits in the line for potatoes. Then he waits in the vegetable line, the bread line, and the gravy line. Finally he brings back two full plates of food.
What would you like to drink? he asks.
A glass of punch would be nice, she says. So he goes to get it. He scouts around and finds a line for wine, a line for beer, a line for soda, and even a line for milk. But after a while he gives up and goes back to his table.
A blonde women's basketball team rallied and then t**... the score at the end of regulation...
...and the coach took out a bottle of wine and handed out glasses to the team.
After imbibing, the blonde team obviously ended up losing.
Coach was asked later by, "Why the early celebration?"
Coach said, "We weren't celebrating, we're not that s**.... I served wine because I heard it always gets better overtime."
I truly believe everyone is allowed to believe in whatever they want to believe in.
I believe I'll have another glass of wine!
The doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath.
I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
I started a new diet, All I had was toast this morning.
I had 2 glasses of wine and congratulated myself on the progress.
A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he's needs a drink so he goes to a local bar
He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks you ain't from around here are you?
No sir, He says, I'm from Minnesota
What the h**... do you do in Minnesota the bartender asks.
Im a taxidermist! The man replies.
What the h**... is that!? The bartender asks.
The guy says nervously I umm, mount dead animals
The bartender smiles and shouts out to the whole bar it's ok fellas, he's one of us!
Irish Confession
Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive I think its been a while since I've been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!
A guy walks into a r**... bar.
A guy walks into a r**... bar and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see some flamboyant Yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
"No sir," the guy says, "I'm from North Dakota."
"North Dakota?" the bartender asks. "What the h**... you do in North Dakota?"
"I'm a taxidermist," the guy replies.
"A taxidermist, what the h**... is that?" the bartender asks.
The guy says nervously, "Um, I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay fellas, he's one of us!"
At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me."
Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.
Wine
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, I love you .
The husband responds: Is that you or the wine talking.
Wife: This is me, I'm talking to the wine .
Do It Yourself COVID Test
1. Pour a glass of wine and smell it
2. If you can smell it, then taste it
3. If you can both smell it and taste it, you do not have the Covid virus
Just to test it out, I did the test 19 times last evening and, thank God, all the tests were negative. But I'll have to repeat them today, as I woke up with a headache and a bit disoriented this morning.
Walked into a bar
A priest, a rabbit, and a monk all walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'What will it be?'
The priest says, 'a glass of wine.'
The monk says, 'I will only have water, as I am fulfilled internally.'
The rabbit says, 'I don't know... the only reason I'm in this story is cause autocorrect!'
A woman was sipping a glass of wine while relaxing with her husband... "I love you so much, she said, I don't know how I could live without you:
Her husband asked, "is that you or the wine talking"?
She replied "it's me, talking to the wine"
A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100.
Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, You get more ham with that one.
the job interview
An unemployed reverend walks into a bar and orders a glass of wine. "How did the interview at the church go today?" the bartender asks. "Not so good. They turned me down for the job, despite my 20 years of experience. They insisted they only want to interview brand new seminary graduates," the reverend replies. "I guess they were looking for greener pastors."
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders a glass of red wine. The bartender's therapy dog leaps to his feet, races across the room, runs down the stairs to the wine cellar and within moments returns with a lovely bottle of cabernet savignon in his jaws which he drops gently at the bartender's feet. "Wow, that dog is amazing," the guy says. "What kind is it?" "Oh, he's nothing special," the bartender replies. "Just a bordeaux collie."
I got arrested today - apparently it's "i**..." to shave, brush your teeth, make a phonecall, take a nap, have a glass of wine and read a newspaper.
Driving s**... nowdays.
Don't lie to the cops
Man gets pulled over by the police.
"Sir have you been drinking?"
"Yes. 7 beers, 5 shots of tequila and about 4 glasses of wine."
"I'm going to ask you to take this breathalizer test."
"What! You don't believe me?"
The worm experiment
In front of her 4th grade class a teacher takes 4 glasses and fills them up with brandy, wine, beer and water. Then she puts a worm inside each one and let them sit for the night.
The day after she shows to the students each glass and, without any suprise, all worm but the one in the water are stone dead.
"So - she ask the students - what did this experiment teach us?"
From the back of the class the hand of Little Johnny rises up.
"Well, Miss, this experiment taught me that, if I drink brandy, wine or beer, I'll never get worms!"
An Old Man Goes In for a Physical...
The doctor concludes his examination and asks the patient if he drinks alcohol.
"I usually have a mimosa in the morning, a glass of wine with dinner, and a can of beer or two before bed."
"Well," says the doctor. "At your age the best thing would be for you to stop drinking entirely."
The old man thinks for a minute.
"I'm a pretty simple guy," he says. "I don't ask much for myself. I've dealt with my share of hard times, and I've learned to get by without much... I'll take the second best thing for me instead."