Windows Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Windows puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Windows

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition he gets to install windows.


Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10?

I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"

If you play a Windows Vista disc backwards, you can hear satanic chanting...

...what's worse, if you play it forwards, it installs Vista.

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.

Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.

After getting the windows on my car tinted black, I showed it to my wife.

She said, "I wouldn't be seen dead in that thing!"

I said, "That's the point."

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when someone told him to upgrade to Windows 7?

I still love vista, baby

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7..

His response was "I still love Vista, baby!"

A snail walks into a car dealership...

And he asks the salesman about car customization. He shows the salesman a car that he's thinking about buying, but there's something he wants to change about it. The salesman asks him what it is, and the snail tells him he wants the letter 'S' painted on the doors, roof, and windows, as large as possible. The salesman wonders why, and the snail responds:

"Because when I drive down the street, I want to hear people say 'hey, look at that S-car-go!'"

Stewardess

Yes, Sir?

I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep.

Captain, shut up and land the plane.

Why do French tanks have rear windows?

So they can see the battlefield!

On a cold winter's morning

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:

"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

"Computer is really screwed up now.

she can't open windows.

On a cold winter morning, while her husband is away on business, a wife has a problem at home and sends a text message to her husband:

Windows frozen, it won't open


Husband texts back:
Pour boiling water over it inside and outside


Five minutes later, wife texts back.


Computer's really screwed up now...

A blind guy rang my door bell...

When I opened the door he told me, "You should really cover your windows up," and handed me a business card.

A Linux Joke

In computing, what's the only way to generate a truly random string?

Put a Windows user in front of VI and tell him to quit.

Why do Macs run hotter than PCs?

Because they don't have Windows.

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day.

Wife: Windows frozen.
Husband: Pour some warm water over them.
Wife: Computer completely screwed up now.

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger why he hasnt upgraded his computer to Windows 10..

He said "I still love Vista baby!"

I heard Apple is trying to develop a new car.

But they're having trouble installing windows.

Why are there windows on the back of French tanks?

So they can watch the battle

Hillary Clinton is the Windows 10 of the election

She's terrible at keeping your information safe, keeps promising new upgrades but really has been the same OS since 98, and is constantly trying to install herself when you're happy with the system you've been using for the last 8 years.

Just got home and found all the doors and windows wide open and everything gone...

What kind of sick person would do this to my Advent calendar?

Why did we skip windows 9?

Because 7 8 9












I'm so sorry

Why did the man who fell asleep in front of his PC got sick?

Because the Windows were open.

If you ever feel unimportant...

Just remember Windows 9

Please enter your new password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER:ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIf

YouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

"Who was the Windows programmer's favorite hip-hop group?"

"Run-CMD"


(I came up with this one at work after repeatedly opening the command prompt. Not sure if it's been said before, but I hope you enjoy!)

Apple and Google are both working on self driving cars.

Personally I don't think I want to ride in a car without Windows.

One day, my parents told me about the birds and the bees

"Son" they said, "birds do it, bees do it, so it's completely fine and natural for you to do it too. It's nothing to be ashamed of"

They were of course referring to my unfortunate habit of running face-first into windows.

What did adobe illustrator say to Windows 10?

Nothing (Adobe Illustrator has stopped responding)

The job of your dreams

Do you want to drive a vehicle worth $100,000?

Do you want a corner office with windows?

Do you love to travel?


If so, then become a bus driver!

On a frosty winter's morning

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
wife writings back 5 minutes after the fact:

"PC is truly spoiled at this point.

A Guy Proposing To His GF...

She interrupted him and said: but I have one flaw you should be aware of: I fart alot! Like a lot!
He giggled and said it's alright I have a problem with my nose too, I can't smell that well.

After three days of them living together ,
The guy is opening the windows of the apartment,
And the wife is crying and shouting YOU LIED TO ME, YOU CAN SMELL!,
The guy responded: no I didn't but it is getting hard to walk around here! my eyes are burning!

A man in a coma is like a non-responsive Windows program

You can either wait for it to respond or terminate it.

Apple is designing a car..

Everything was going great until they tried to install windows.

My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep one?"

The shepherd has hundreds of sheep and feels confident enough to agree. The redhead looks over the flock and says, "361." The shepherd is stunned that she guessed correctly but, being a man of his word, allows her to pick out her favorite. The redhead is about to put her new pet in her car when the shepherd calls out to her.

"Hey Lady! If I can guess your real hair color, may I have my dog back?"

 

My sister was not amused.

I hate the new Windows 10 update.

It puts me on Edge.

Why wont Apple ever make a car?

Because it can't have windows in it!!!!

What do you call someone who keeps trying to catch your interest even though you already said you're not interested several times?

Windows 10.

PASSWORD PROBLEMS

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage



WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage



WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages



WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one uppercase character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages



WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one uppercase character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow!



WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER : IWillHuntYouDown50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow


WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

What is the similitude between and air conditioner and a computer?

Opening windows makes both less efficient.

This joke was inspired by a IRL event

I went to the kitchen, and I looked up through the skylight windows. I then noticed a plastic Rite Aid bag that was stuck in a tree.

My dad saw me looking up, and he asked me, "What are you looking at?"

I said to him, "There is a Rite Aid bag in the tree."

He asked me, "Do you know where that bag came from?"

I just looked at him and said, "I don't know."

He replied, "Rite Aid."

Why doesn't Bill Gates have a basement?

He likes windows

What kinda room has no doors and no windows?

A mushroom.

What do you call a helicopter with no radar and no windows?

A Helenkelicopter.

I don't know why women spend so much money on sunglasses...

Wouldn't it be cheaper to just tint the kitchen windows!

If apple made a car would it have windows?

How do you go from Windows 9 to windows 10

You have to get enough Windows XP.

A man is locked in a room with no doors or windows...

The only thing in there with him is a red marble and a blue marble.

He says, well, I have a red marble and I have a blue marble, and two haves make whole. And so he uses that whole to climb out.

You say, That's stupid. It's two *halves* that make a whole, not two 'haves.' And anyway a 'whole' isn't spelled the way he's using it.

Now that you pointed out the hole in his reasoning, he climbs out through that.

Bill & Hillary are on a trip back to Arkansas..

They're almost out of gas, so Bill pulls into a service station on the outskirts of town. The attendant runs out of the station to serve them when Hillary realizes it's an old boyfriend from high school.

She and the attendant chat as he gases up their car and cleans the windows. Then they all say good-bye.

As Bill pulls the car onto the road, he turns to Hillary and says: "Now aren't you glad you married me and not him? You could've been the wife of a grease monkey!"

To which Hillary replied: "No Bill. If I would have married him you'd be pumping gas, and he would be the President."

Bill Gates has agreed to fund Trump's border wall...

On the one condition that they install Windows.

Apple has successfully created a self driving car

However, they are having problems installing windows.

Windows 10 users won't get this.

Privacy.

Since the storm started, my wife keeps looking through the windows.

If it gets worse, I'll have to let her in.

If Mac users care more about the environment more than Windows users

Then why do Macs have a trash can and Windows has a recycling bin?

The President of Brazil, France and United States share a flight around the world

The United state president puts his hands out of the windows and says:

"We are in the US! I just touched the Statue of Liberty"

Some time passes, the French president puts his hands out and says out loud:

"Now we are in France. I just touched the Eiffel tower".

After a while the Brazilian president also puts his hands out of the Airplane and says:

"Yes, we finally are in Brazil. I just had my watch stolen"

Fright Flight

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the flight attendant announces over the intercom that, "We're just waiting for the pilots."

The passengers look out the windows, and see two men, dressed in pilot's uniforms, walking towards the plane.

Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind.

There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.

The men board the plane and go into the cockpit.

More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers.

The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins its takeoff.

As passengers look out the window, they realize they are nearing the end of the runway!!

The entire passenger cabin begins screaming, but the plane lifts off, just before the end of the runway.

The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.

In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says, "You know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"

Did you hear about the newlyweds who didn't know the difference between putty and petroleum jelly?

Their windows fell out.

My wife asks Alexa at least once a day - sometimes multiple times - what's the weather?

I just added a routine to make Alexa respond "you've got windows, don't you?"

And now we wait.

(Not really a joke but I'm giggling with anticipation)

Did you hear about that new car made entirely from wood? It's crazy! Wooden wheels, wooden windows, wooden engine...

Wooden move.

I like my girlfriends the same way I like my Windows

8

How is a computer like an air conditioner?

They both stop working properly when you open windows.

New Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so
I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

What's the definition of irony? (This happened to me today)

Asked a transgender co-worker why he won't upgrade from Windows 7 to 10.



He said he didn't like change.

A husband and a wife were searching for a hotel near the ocean...

The travel agency hooked them up with a four star hotel for a great price, and they decided to go with it. The agency described the hotel as 'a stone's throw from the beach'. "How will we know which one it is?" the wife asked. "Simple", the agency replied; "It's the one with all the broken windows."

Arnold Schwarzenegger and windows 10

Just after windows 10 was released, Arnold was asked if he was ever going to upgrade to windows 10.

His response? 'I still love Vista, baby.'

The people at my school are very PC and its so annoying

I can't go five minutes without someone asking me if I'd like to update windows

A Galaxy Phone, an iPhone and a windows phone fall out a top story window.

The galaxy phone bounces with minor cracks.

The iPhone smashes into dozens of pieces.

The windows phone freezes mid decent.

Did you hear about the couple who accidentally confused window putty with personal lubricant?

All their windows fell out.

I took the family to an amusement park and they all got thirsty at once.

Fortunately we were close to a big soda shop, a circular building with lines of varying lengths standing at most of the windows.

"Excuse me," I asked a park employee, "Which window do we go to?"

"Each window is for a different drink, so just go straight to the one for what you want. If you're in a hurry, though, you might pick something less popular, that no one's waiting for."

Over the crowd I could see the drink signs above each window: Coke, Sprite, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Root Beer, Hawaiian Punch, Mountain Dew, Guinness... "How long is the Guinness line?" I asked.

He laughed, "That one wraps around the back of the building and trails off into the parking lot outside. I think they're going for a world record or something."

I didn't have time for this guy's jokes, so I asked, "Is there a punch line?"

"Nope."

How do you get out of a room with no door, no windows and only a table and a mirror?

You look in the mirror, you see what you saw. You take the saw and saw the table in half. Two half's make a whole. You jump out the whole. (You can thank my dad for that one. I miss him everyday)

If Apple builds a car

Will it come with Windows?

How are Computers and Air Conditioners similar?

They both stop working when you open windows.

Why did microsoft go straight to windows 10 ?

They were trying to keep their german market.

Why should you not fart in an Apple Store?

Cos they don't have windows.

Heard this one during a real science lecture two years ago.

"In the event of a tornado, you will want to hide in a safe spot." said the teacher. "A good place to hide would be one with the least number of windows. So where should you hide?"

One of the intellectuals thinks for a moment and then raises his hand. The teacher calls on him.

"You should hide outside!"

P.S: In the event of a tornado, hide in a basement, closet or bathroom. Don't die.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes