Window Jokes

158 window jokes and hilarious window puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about window that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laugh out loud with these hilarious window jokes! From window pane puns to window and door gags, this collection of jokes will have you cracking up. Whether you're a window fitter, window licker, or just window shopping, this article is sure to put a smile on your face! So, take a break from bodyguards and backseats and hit the pavement to get some fresh air and jokes!

Funniest Window Short Jokes

Short window jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The window humour may include short panel jokes also.

  1. Breaking News: bill gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall On the condition he gets to install windows.
  2. The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, papers? I said, Scissors, I win and drove off.
    I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.
  3. I got pulled over by a female cop... When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said
  4. I got pulled over by the police ... He came to the window and said papers ...
    I said - scissors, I win - and drove off
    He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!
  5. My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I'm obsessed with horse Racing. I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....
  6. The police just pulled me over, and the officer came up to my window and said papers? I said scissors, I win! and drove off. He's been chasing me for 45 minutes now, I think he wants a rematch.
  7. Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10? I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"
  8. Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window. If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
  9. Really enjoying my new life aboard the giant space station designed to solve Earth's overpopulation problem . Just a bit weird how the sun gets slightly bigger in my cabin window every day.
  10. I saw a lady texting and driving today I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.

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Window One Liners

Which window one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with window? I can suggest the ones about doors and desktop.

  1. I saw an ad in a shop window, "TV for $5- Volume stuck on full" Couldn't turn it down.
  2. When one door closes... An incognito window opens.
  3. Why do astronauts use Linux? You can't open Windows in space
  4. Why wasn't Steve Jobs allowed to fart at home? His house didn't have windows!
  5. Why do people on the iss use linux You can't open windows in space
  6. Why do French tanks have rear windows? So they can see the battlefield!
  7. When Chuck Norris updates Windows ...Microsoft accepts his terms and conditions
  8. My dad wanted me to let you know he's cleaning a window. He just wanted to make it clear.
  9. I bought a Russian advent calendar. Every time you open a window an oligarch falls out.
  10. Why do Macs run hotter than PCs? Because they don't have Windows.
  11. What did the Mexican say when his homework flew out the window? Where you going essay!?
  12. Why is it so warm in Linus Torvalds' office? Because he doesn't have Windows.
  13. What do you call two guys above a window? Kurt and Rod
  14. Putting Your exam results on the window of your car So you can park in disabled spots.
  15. Why are there windows on the back of French tanks? So they can watch the battle

Out The Window Jokes

Here is a list of funny out the window jokes and even better out the window puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • School joke Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.
    One boy throws his bag out the window.
    Teacher: Who just threw that?!
    Boy: Me! I'm going home now.
  • A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_
    His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_
    He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_
  • Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie? Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!
  • What gets bigger every time I watch my neighbor undress in her bedroom window? The restraining order
  • Whenever it rain my girlfriend just stands at the window looking sad. Maybe I should let her in.
  • It's just started raining really hard and all my wife is doing is standing at the window looking sad... If it gets any stronger I'll have to let her in
  • If you play a Windows Vista disc backwards, you can hear satanic chanting... ...what's worse, if you play it forwards, it installs Vista.
  • Guys walks into a piano shop and asks the shop keeper for a wasp! The store keeper says sir. We are a piano shop. We don't sell wasps . The guys says. Then why have you got some in the window?
  • After getting the windows on my car tinted black, I showed it to my wife. She said, "I wouldn't be seen dead in that thing!"
    I said, "That's the point."
  • My friend and I bumped into Arnold Schwarzenegger. As fans we asked a lot of questions and ended up asking if he's going to upgrade to Windows 11... He said, "I still love Vista, baby!"

Window And Door Jokes

Here is a list of funny window and door jokes and even better window and door puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A blind guy rang my door bell... When I opened the door he told me, "You should really cover your windows up," and handed me a business card.
  • Just got home and found all the doors and windows wide open and everything gone... What kind of sick person would do this to my Advent calendar?
  • What kinda room has no doors and no windows? A mushroom.
  • My 7 yo son: Imagine this room has no doors or windows, how do you get out? Me: Break the wall?
    Him: Just wake up from your imagination.
  • If I'm good at lip reading correctly... Then my neighbours are calling the police about some creepy guy staring at them through the window next door.
  • Me, neighbor and cops are making a band I play electric guitar, Cops are playing drums on the door and neighbor sings outside the window.
  • Dad invented a device which allows people to see through doors He called them "windows"
  • Why was the window dancing? ...because of the door jam!
  • They say every time God closes a door, he opens a window. That's all well and good. But I'm on the tenth floor.
  • Why is it so easy to break into God's house? When God closes a door he opens a window.
Window joke, Why is it so easy to break into God's house?

Jumping Window Jokes

Here is a list of funny jumping window jokes and even better jumping window puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Who's guilty here? A wife is dreaming while asleep in the bed, she suddenly wakes up and shouts, "quick, my husband is home!"
    Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!
  • A wife was dreaming... Suddenly she wakes up and yells "Quick get out my husband's home!" her husband hurriedly wakes up and jumps out the window.
  • I went to a expensive restaurant last night and I got a meal and a bottle of champagne for free. They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs off.
  • A man and his wife were sleeping in their bedroom. The woman shouts in her sleep, "Run my husband is home!"
    The man gets up and jumps off the window.
  • Who's guiltier in this situation? Husband and wife are both sleeping. Suddenly, the wife yells out "My Husband's Home!!" And the husband rolls out of bed and jumps out of the window.
  • Say what you want about Windows but you can't jump out of a Mac
  • You know how some singers sing so high that windows break? When I sing, they also break because people jump out of them.
  • My little brother jumped out the window when I told him a cannibal clown was coming upstairs to feast on his flesh. I can't believe he fell for It.
  • I thought my dad was a superhero but he lied When he jumped out the window, he didn't fly.
  • "A boy jumped through the window". What is the subject? English literature

Window Shopping Jokes

Here is a list of funny window shopping jokes and even better window shopping puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I saw an ad in a shop window, Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full. I thought, I can't turn that down.
  • I was at my local home improvement store yesterday And I was looking in the window section. An employee came over and asked if I needed any help, I responded "No thanks, I'm just window shopping."
  • I used to find window shopping depressing..... then I visited Amsterdam.
  • A man walks into a cafe A man walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go
    The coffee gets up and walks away.
    (Can't take credit for this, read it on a coffee shop window)
  • Bee A man walked into a pet shop and asked "can I have a bee please"
    Shop assistant said "we don't sell bees"
    The man replied "there's one in your window"
  • I saw a sign in a shop window that said "Watch batteries fitted, £2.50." I thought Why would anyone pay to see that?
  • I used to own a shop which sold 'Closed' signs... It didn't do very well. I had them all up in the window, but no-one ever came in.
  • A woman goes in to a butchers shop Lady: Is that a pigs head in your window?
    Butcher: No madam, it's a mirror.
  • I was walking outside of the Microsoft Store at the mall tonight when my wife asked if I wanted to go in and look at anything. I told her No, I'm just Windows shopping.
  • I went into the pet shop and I said "I'd like to buy a wasp" The shopkeeper said "We don't sell wasps"
    I said "But you've got one in the window"

Window Pane Jokes

Here is a list of funny window pane jokes and even better window pane puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you get when you throw a window through a window? A pane in the glass.
  • I don't think we should be making jokes about windows…. Cause those types of jokes are super *pane*ful. So it's curtains for window jokes!
  • What did the window washer say to the window? I feel your pane
  • Why did the window glass cry? Because it was in pane.
  • An infallible way of curing a headache... Put your head through a window and the pane will disappear.
  • I accidentally hit my head on a window today... It was paneful.
  • Go touch the window and see if it hurts Feel the pane?
  • Why did the broken window not go to the doctor? He had no more pane
  • Why does a window hurt more than a table? The window is double pane
  • I submitted a glass pane in for a competition. I'm hoping I can window.
Window joke, I submitted a glass pane in for a competition.

Great Window Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends

What funny jokes about window you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean screen jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make window pranks.


A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:
"Cheeseburgers: $5
Fries: $3
h**...: $10."
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the h**...?"
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

A weather report for you

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

A lawyer undergoes heart surgury, and is in bed in the recovery area

As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"
The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."


Two men are sitting in a bar, talking to eachother. One asks the other if he ever looks his wife in the eyes while making love. "I did once" the other responds, "But I saw a lot of anger in her eyes". The first, looking confused: "Why was that?"
"Because she was looking from outside through the window!"

A cop is out on patrol, and sees a car parked in the local lover's lane, with the windows all steamed up.

He knocks on the drivers window, and the guy inside rolls it down. The cop sees that there is a guy sitting in the front seat, fully clothed, and a girl in the back seat, also fully clothed.
"What are you up to here, son?"
"Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine, as you can see."
"And what's she doing back there?"
"I think she's playing a game on her phone."
"Have you been drinking tonight?"
"No, sir. I'm only twenty."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Sir, in eleven minutes she'll be eighteen."

it's raining and my gf has been staring at the window for about an hour..

i should probably let her in.

The two old-timers...

...were having a chat over the back fence.
"You know, Chester," said one, "you should invest in some heavier curtains for your bedroom window."
"Why's that, Clem?"
"Because the ones you have now are kinda transparent. In fact, last night I could see you making love to your wife."
"Pfft! That shows how bad your eyesight is. I wasn't even home last night!"

Stalin and Roosevelt were arguing over whose bodyguards were more loyal...

...and ordered them to jump out of the window on the fifteenth floor. Roosevelt's bodyguard flatly refused to jump, saying "I'm thinking about the future of my family." Stalin's bodyguard, however, jumped out of the window and fell to his death. Roosevelt was taken aback.
"Tell me, why did your man do that?" he asked.
Stalin lit his pipe and replied:
"He was thinking about the future of his family, too."

A guest calls the front desk of a hotel:

and says my wife wants to commit s**... by jumping out of the window.
The receptionist: sir, this is a private matter. Please call the cops.
Guest: no. i need a maintenance guy. Your window doesnt open.

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."
I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.
I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."

The principal at my school called me in to his office today. He said "I've just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?"

No, I'm irresponsible. That's why I threw it.

Terrifying Story

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something." Taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".

Father looks out the window on a snowy evening.

He gets furious and turns red.
"What's the matter, dear," his wife asks.
"It's our daughter's new boyfriend. He's written his name in the snow with pee."
"Oh. That's not so bad."
"Yeah, but it's in *her* handwriting."

A man calls up his hotel's reception

He says, "Please send someone over, I'm having an argument with my wife and she's threatening to jump out the window."
The manager replies, "I'm sorry sir, but we cannot intervene, this seems to be a personal issue."
"d**... man, this is a maintenance issue; I can't get the window open!"

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the s**... window...

If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in...

I can't get over how cruel some people are.

I had some Nickelback tickets on the passenger seat of my car, and I popped into the shop for just five minutes.
When I came back, someone had smashed the window and left two more.

A woman walks by a clothes shop, and spots a nice red dress in the window.

She goes inside to inquire:
Woman: Hi. I want to try on that red dress in the window.
Employee: Well, as you wish, but we have changing rooms too.

The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

There were two friends drinking and one says to the other

I have a trumpet that tells the hour.
"The hour?" the friend asks.
Yes, yes look.... he grabs the trumpet and opens the window and starts to play it like crazy when all of a sudden you can hear...
"You $#@% it's 3 in the morning"

I was told by a female friend that I was being sexist and should look at things from a woman's perspective more often

But I can't see very much from my kitchen window

Every time it rains I find my wife standing at the window, looking kind of sad.

Maybe I should let her inside.

On my way home from work saw a man texting while driving..

Knowing how dangerous this can be I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window and threw my beer at him.

A man auditioned for a talent show

A man auditioned for a talent show and when he walked on to the stage the judge asked him what was his talent. The man replied "I do bird impressions".The judge said "Thats not something we would be interested in". The man said "Thats ok" and flew out the window.

A man called the hotel manager...

He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".

A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....

When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:
"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"
The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."
The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"
The professor responds: "My wife."

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's f**... herself again

Don't be frightened if you see a Pokemon Go player outside your bathroom window.

He's just trying to catch a pikachu.

Do you look at your wife's face when you are having s**...?

I did once and she looked really angry.
Why angry?
Because she was watching from the window!

A teacher says to her class "whoever answers my next question can go home."

One boy at the back of the class throws his bag out the window.
"Who just threw that? Demands the teacher.
"Me" replied the boy. "And I'm going home."

Exchange rate

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one lady in front of Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?' The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'. The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.

The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.
"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.
The driver leans over to the other priest and they whisper between themselves.
Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."

I hate it when women turn off the light before having s**......

It makes it really difficult for me to see them through the window...

A father has two sons named Joe and Mikey and the live on the third floor of their apartment.

One day the father goes to store, but leaves the key to his car in the apartment. He see's Joe in the window and shouts to him, "throw my key out the window!"
Sadly, Mikey didn't survive the fall

The wife has done nothing but stare through the f**king window since it started snowing.

If it gets any worse i might have to let her in.

I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it turns out it was a seabird.

I took a tern for the wurst.

A man calls the hotel front desk

"Hello how I may I be of assistance sir?"
"Calm down Sir, what seems to be the problem?"
"My wife is trying to jump out of the window..."
"Oh that sounds like a personal matter, I'm afraid we cannot involve ourselves."
"Listen here you smartass, the window isn't opening up and that's a maintenance matter!"

A police officer turned on his lights, pulled me over, walked to my window and said "papers?"

I looked at him with a smile and said "Scissors, I win." and drove off.
I think he wants to do best out of 3 because he's been chasing me for an hour.

Plot Twist

A hotel receptionist gets a call*
Man: Hello, I'm in room 210, you need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she's saying that she's going to jump out of the window.
Receptionist: I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal problem. We cannnot help you with that.
Man: Listen you idiot. The window is not opening and that's a MAINTENANCE problem.

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, We're looking for two child molesters.
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
We'll do it.

A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.

She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street.
At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load."
He ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."

A man runs out of petrol

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
`"Try it now,'' said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?''
"BP,'' answered the bee.

It's a conversation between me and my 6 y o cousin...Sorry if it is not funny enough for you

him: Knock knock
me: Who's there?
him: A snail
me: a snail who?
him: a snail you threw out of the window two weeks ago asking why

Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time

Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.

A man and his wife checked into a hotel.

An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk.
Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window."
Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. "
Man- " Personal matter my a**... the window doesn't open."

I was in a long McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?

A guy comes home from work and he is clearly upset.

His wife looks concerned and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.
Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.
"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.
"It's . . . nothing," he says. "I can't burden you with my problems. It wouldn't be fair."
"*Your* problems?" the wife says. "We are partners. We face everything together. Your problem is my problem. There is no I, just we. Now please, tell me, what is it?"
"Well," he says, looking up at her glumly. "we got our secretary pregnant and now she's suing us for support."

I caught two teenagers smoking p**... outside my office window.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two teenagers smoking p**... outside my office window.

Should've been more specific

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really p**....
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.


Whoever answers my next question can go home.
Little Johnny throws his bag out of the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Little Johnny: Me, and I'm going home now!

2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car...

One nun says to the other Quick sister, show him your cross!
The other nun rolls down the window and yells Get the b**... h**... out of middle of the road a**...!

Did you hear about the man who installed a window in his b**...?

It was a pane in the a**....

A POLICEMAN pulls over a speeding car and takes out his little book.

The driver lowers her window.
Policeman: Name, please?
Woman: Freda.
Policeman: Surname?
Woman: Gonow.
Policeman: So you are Freda Gonow.
Woman: Thanks very much , and she takes off!

A blonde woman is speeding down an empty road when she's pulled over by a blonde cop. The cop walks up to her window and asks for her driver's license.

Driver's license? the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.
You know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse, the blonde cop explains patiently.
Oh, that! the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectangular mirror, which she hands to the blonde cop.
The blonde cop looks at the mirror and exclaims, Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, you're free to go…I didn't realize you were a cop!

I went for an audition at a talent agency today.

They asked "so what's your special talent?"
I said "I do bird impressions!"
They said "sorry, that's not original we have had loads of them!"
I said "fair enough!!"...
and flew out the window.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a h**... and I charge $20 for s**...." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Putin is held hostage by a t**....

A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:
Driver: What's going on?
Policeman: A t**... is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 mill rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations.
Driver: Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average.
Policeman: About a gallon.

Uvalde citizen gets pulled over

A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."
The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uvalde Police don't have b**...."

My daughter just walked into the living room and said

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother. Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said... Dad, this is my new boyfriend, he supports the Lakers"

The traffic jam in Russia.

There is a massive traffic jam somewhere in Russia. A driver sits idling in his car.
Suddenly a man approaches and knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Putin and are asking for a 20 million rubel ransom!
Otherwise, they are going to douse him in gasoline and set him on fire!"
The man continues "We are going from car to car taking up a collection."
The driver asks "Okay, how much is everyone else giving?"
The man replies "Oh, about a gallon or so."

I stood in line at a Vietnamese food truck for an hour.

When I finally got to the window, they were sold out and closing for the day.
What a big Pho queue.

An old man is on his death bed and calls all his family and the priest.

He says to his first son "I want you to have all the property in the north of the town, I have 16 houses there."
He says to his second son "I want you to have all my commercial property, 8 businesses."
He says to his third son "I want you to have the houses in the southern district, there are only 4, but they are expensive and lucrative."
The old man passes away and the priest says "That is unbelievable, he must have been incredibly wealthy?"
The old man's widow laughs and says "He was a Window Cleaner"

I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror

I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror to see a crowd gathered round a crashed motorcyclist.
So I quickly put on my coat and shoes and rushed outside.
Pushed through the crowds shouting let me through, let me through! .
I finally managed to get to the front of the crowd.
A woman turned to me and said oh thank goodness, are you a doctor? .
I replied no but that's my pizza!

Cop on Patrol

A cop is patrolling at night and sees a car parked in lover's lane.
He knocks on the window, when it's rolled down he sees a guy in the front seat playing on his phone and a girl in the back seat reading a magazine.
The cop says What's going on here?
The guy says, nothing at all officer.
Cop says Let's see some ID, how old are you? The guy hands the cop his license and says he's 27.
The cop says, And her, how old is she?
The guy looks at his watch and says
She will be 18 in exactly 9 minutes.

Window joke, Cop on Patrol

jokes about window