Window And Door Jokes
112 window and door jokes and hilarious window and door puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about window and door that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Window And Door Short Jokes
Short window and door jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The window and door humour may include short window screen jokes also.
- A blind guy rang my door bell... When I opened the door he told me, "You should really cover your windows up," and handed me a business card.
- Just got home and found all the doors and windows wide open and everything gone... What kind of sick person would do this to my Advent calendar?
- My 7 yo son: Imagine this room has no doors or windows, how do you get out? Me: Break the wall?
Him: Just wake up from your imagination. - If I'm good at lip reading correctly... Then my neighbours are calling the police about some creepy guy staring at them through the window next door.
- Me, neighbor and cops are making a band I play electric guitar, Cops are playing drums on the door and neighbor sings outside the window.
- They say every time God closes a door, he opens a window. That's all well and good. But I'm on the tenth floor.
- Eyes Specialist Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?
Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?
Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door. - West London police wish to alert local residents about the activities of the infamous cross-eyed burglar. If you see this man staring in your windows,
warn the people next door. - Just like people, I never judge a book by its cover... Unless that cover is brown. In which case I roll up my windows and lock my car doors.
- Yo mama's house so small When I walked through the front door I tripped out the back window
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Window And Door One Liners
Which window and door one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with window and door? I can suggest the ones about window panes and front door.
- When one door closes... An incognito window opens.
- What kinda room has no doors and no windows? A mushroom.
- Dad invented a device which allows people to see through doors He called them "windows"
- Why was the window dancing? ...because of the door jam!
- Why is it so easy to break into God's house? When God closes a door he opens a window.
- When one door closes, a window is open... And hey! Maybe their safe is open too!
- God is a terrible roommate.. Everytime someone closes a door he opens a window!
Window And Door Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about window and door you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sliding door jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make window and door pranks.
There are three blondes who are on a road trip.
As they are driving through the desert, their car breaks down. They have no phone to call anyone, so they decide to walk to the nearest city, several miles away. They each decide to take one thing to make the journey better. The first blonde takes the radio and says, "If we get bored, we can put the radio on and listen to music." The second blonde decides to take a wheel, "In case one of us gets really tired, we can go inside the wheel and be rolled." The third blonde takes the car door, "In case it gets too hot, we can roll down the window!"
English man Irish man Scotch man are in a desert, they got captured by the Germans.
The Germans say, I will give you one thing before you die.
The Englishman man say water, the Scotch man say whiskey, the Irish man says a car door.
The Germans say, why do you want a car door.
The Irish man says, because when it gets hot, it can wind down the window.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What would you do if your were in a large room, all sealed up, no windows, the door was locked, and there were 5 hungry tigers, 32 vultures, 17 spitting cobras, 213 tarantulas, 1 laywer, and you had a gun with only two bullets?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three drifters are roaming the countryside for some time.
They come upon a small farmhouse with crops planted around it.
They are very hungry, thirsty, and tired so the first guy suggests they steal some food.
The second says they should ask for food, so he then goes up and knocks on the door and an old, ugly lady answers.
He asks for food and she agrees - but only under one condition.
They must have s**... with her.
The first drifter says no, the lady is too ugly, and goes back into the woods.
The third guy is very hungry and agrees.
He enters the cottage and goes into a corner near a pile of corn to transact his business with the old lady.
The old lady is ready, but the guy says he'll only do it if she's blindfolded.
So she puts on a blindfold and bends over.
Quickly the guy grabs an ear of corn and sticks it inside the old lady, then throws it out the window.
The woman says, "Again," and the man does the same thing.
Satisfied, she gives the man some food and he leaves.
As he is walking out of the farmhouse, he comes upon the other two guys.
"Guess what?" the first guy says, "while you s**... that old hag we found two ears of cream corn!"
There was a boy and his mother was about to go to work.
She said, "Do not open the door for nobody".
The boy said, "Okay."
So after the mother left a girl came to their house and she said to the boy, "Let me in."
The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow”"
So the girl went to the window and started knocking on it.
Once again she said, "Let me in."
The boy finally gave up and let her in.
So once she got in she said, "Let’s go upstairs."
The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow."
The girl kept asking him so he finally gave up.
When his mama came into his room she said, "Get off that girl."
The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow!"
Quasimodo wanted to go on vacation.
He sends out an ad in the newspaper to get someone to ring the bell in his place. Unfortunately, no one responds, but just as he leaves, a man with no arms is at the door. Quasimodo asks why he's there. The man says, I want the job. Quasimodo counters this, saying that he couldn't possibly ring the bell with no arms. The man says, just watch. So, Quasimodo decides to give him a chance. He brings him up the tower to three bells. Quasimodo says, alright, ring the short bell. The man takes a few steps back, prepares himself, and runs right at the bell, jumping at the bell and ringing it! Quasimodo is extremely impressed with this display. Alright, try the medium bell, Quasimodo says. The man takes a few more steps, runs at the bell, jumps, and rings it! Quasimodo is more than impressed. Okay, you've done great. Now I just need you to ring the high bell, and you've got the job, he says. The man walks all the way to the back, runs at the bell, and jumps right out the window! Quasimodo races down the stairs, and by the time he gets to the bottom, the police are on the scene. Quasimodo, do you know this man? The officer demands. After thinking for a little, Quasimodo responds, no, but his face rings a bell.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hello?
- "Hello?"
- "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
- "No Daddy. She´s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says,
- "But honey, you haven´t got an Uncle Paul."
- "Oh yes I do, and he´s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
- "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy´s car just pulled into the driveway."
- "Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
- "I did it Daddy."
- "And what happened honey?" he asked.
- "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn´t moving at all!"
- "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
- "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn´t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he´s dead."
***Loooong Pause***
Then Daddy says,
- "What swimming pool? . . . Is this 486-5731"?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three Irishman
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,
Knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and s**... hats!"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi
When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died.
An English, and Irishman and a Scotsman...
...are traveling through the desert in a jeep but eventually run out of fuel. They continue the journey by foot but only take 1 item each.
The Englishman takes an umbrella, when asked why he replies, "I can use it to provide shade against the hot sun".
The Scotsman takes the biggest bottle of scotch, when asked why he replies, "To quench my thirst".
The Irishman takes a door from the jeep, when asked why he replies, "When I get to hot, I can just roll down the window".
A man and woman live in a two story house.
A man and woman live in a two story house and sleep on the second floor. At 3 a.m. they're awakened by a knock at the front door. The man goes to the window, opens it and looks down but can't see anyone.
"Who's out there?" he asks.
A voice says, "Please help me. I need a push."
"I'm sorry," the man says. "I'm not leaving my house at this hour."
He gets back into bed. His wife says, "Honey, don't you remember when our daughters were stuck in that bad part of Oakland at 3 in the morning, and if that stranger didn't give them a jumpstart, they would been there for hours?"
"Yeah, you're right," the man says. He gets out of bed and returns to the window. "Are you still down there?" he asks.
"Yes."
"Do you still need that push?"
"Yes."
"Where are you?" the man asks.
"I'm over here on your swings."
A Broken Watch
A guy is walking down the street and suddenly notices that his watch has stopped working. As he stands there musing over this discovery, he notices that the display window of a nearby shop has several dozen watches and clocks in it.
The man steps inside the door of the shop and asks the proprietor, "Excuse me, my watch has stopped working. I wonder if you can repair it for me?"
The proprietor looks up from his desk and says, "What are you talking about? I'm not a watchmaker--I'm a mohel. I perform circumcisions."
Confused, the gentleman asks, "Well then why do you have so many watches and clocks in your window?"
The mohel calmly replies, "What would you prefer that I display?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Three Nuns
One day, three nuns decided to disobey their rules and walk around the convert n**.... Because the convert was visible from a road, they decided to close the blinds so no one would see them. The blinds were slightly broken so there was a single opening. the nuns decided to have one of the nuns keep watch while the other two went about their day. Later that day, a man started walking up the sidewalk to the convert. the nun on watched yelled to the others to hide. The man walked up to the window and called out to see if anyone was there. One of the nuns piped up and sayed she was, and asked what he needed. The man said that he was a blind man, looking for work. The nuns whispered to themselves, and agreed that since he was blind, they could let him in to help him. So the first nun opeded the door, still completely n**... along with the other two nuns. When the door opened, the man recoiled back in surprise. "why did you answer the door completely n**...?" he asked. Then nun was taken aback, " i thought you said you were blind!"
The man said "no, i am a BLINDS man, and i came to fix your blinds!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
RIP Neil Armstrong
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "o**... s**...? o**... s**... you want? You'll get o**... s**... when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day the Seven Dwarfs decided they wanted to see Snow White n**....
Their only option was to spy on her in the shower. They decided to stand on each others shoulders and watch through a small window above the bathroom door. d**... being the smallest he was on top, calling down to the others what he saw.
"She's taking off her skirt" He whispers to the next one down, who whispers it to the next and so on.
"She's taking off her shirt" ^"She's ^taking ^off ^her ^shirt"^"She's ^^taking ^^off ^^her ^^shirt"...
"She's totally n**...!" ^"totallly ^n**...!" ^^"Totally ^^n**...!"...
This continued, d**... describing Snow's every motion, and the others passing it on. And then he thought he heard footsteps.
"Shhhh! Someone's coming!" ^"me ^too!" ^^"me ^^too!" ^^^"me ^^^too!"...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Corn
Three guys are walking in the desert. They haven't had anything to drink for almost 3 days. They come across an old shack and knock on the door. An old, fat, hairy, repulsive woman opens the door. They ask for a drink and she says only if you f*c**... me. The first guy says "screw that!" And storms off. The 2nd guy notices a plate of corn on the cob laying on the table. He says only if you keep your eyes closed. So he then proceeds to f*c**... her with the corn until she says stop. The 3rd person does the same. They both throw the corn out the window and they get their water. They go outside and see the 1st guy. They tell him to go inside and get the water. But before they could finish the story he says "screw that! I want more of that butterd corn!"
A Blond walks into a gas station...
and asks the employee: "I locked my keys in the car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
Ten minutes later a trucker comes in and can't stop laughing. So the employee asks him why he is laughing. The trucker says: "There is a Blond who tries to open her car with a coat hanger!" The employee: "So what? This could happen to anyone." Trucker: "Sure, but usually there isn't another Blond in the car who yells: a little more right / a little more left! "
The passengers on a small plane are quite surprised the when the pilots arrive.
The passengers on a small plane are quite surprised when the pilots arrive.
The pilots walk up the aisle, both wearing dark glasses. One has a seeing-eye dog, the other is tapping his way with a white-tipped cane.
The cockpit door closes, the engines start up.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway. People by the windows realize they're heading right towards the water at the end of the runway.
Panic ensues. Screams fill the air. At that very moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot. "Y'know, Bob," he says. "One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
A drunk man driving a Lamborghini is pulled over...
A drunk man driving a Lamborghini is pulled over by a police officer.
As the officer approaches the car, the drunk man jumps out of the door and tries to make a run for it. The cop, furious, catches up to the drunk man and brings him back to his car.
The officer proceeds to reach into his pocket and pull out a piece of chalk, which he uses to draw a circle on the ground around the vehicle and its intoxicated owner.
After the cop obtains the drunk man's license and registration, he informs the man that he will be arrested if he takes a single step out of the chalk circle.
The cop returns to his car, when he hears the drunk man giggling in the background. He returns and tells the drunk, "If you continue laughing, I'll break your car. Shut up and keep quiet."
Not ten seconds later he hears the drunk man snickering once again. The cop takes out his club and shatters the windshield of the Lamborghini. The drunk man's laughter grew even louder.
The cop yells, "stop laughing!" as he takes out his rage on the Lamborghini even further, breaking all of its windows and batting away at the car's exterior.
The drunk's laughter increases into an uncontrollable fit, as he is practically rolling on the ground beside his mutilated Lamborghini.
At last, the cop furiously asks, "Why do you keep laughing!!?"
The drunk man stands up and says, "While you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three Men Arrive At the Pearly Gates
...and St. Peter, as he is wont to do, asks them how they got there.
The first man says "I got back to my apartment early from work. I found my wife lying on our bed n**..., clearly excited and I put two and two together. I ran out to the living room and looked out the window. Down on the street below I saw a man running while putting on his jacket and straightening his tie. Well, in my rage I was able to lift our refrigerator and hurled it out the window at him. Unfortunately, the strain gave me a heart attack and I died."
"Wow, that's quite a story," said St. Peter. "What about you?" he asked the second man.
"I was late for work again and knew that it was n**... and tuck whether I could catch my bus. I wolfed down some coffee and ran out the door carrying my jacket and doing up my tie. Next thing I know a refrigerator landed on me. Needless to say it was fatal."
St. Peter said "I see." Looking at the third man he asked "What's your story?"
"I'm really not sure," said the man. "I was just minding my own business, sitting in a refrigerator."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three guys on a summer road trip…
As they were driving down a long desolate highway, their vehicle being to sputter along and finally died. Unable to start it up, the three guys decided it was a good idea to make the long trek to the nearest city. o**... said, Lets each take one thing with us to help us on this long walk. All agreed and begin searching.
The first guy picked the cooler they brought, If we get thirsty, we have something to drink! The other two replied, Great idea!
The second guy looked around, I know what I will take! I will take the car seat, so if we ever get tired we can take a load off. Great idea! the others said.
Third guy, looking and looking, could not figure out what he wanted to take. Finally he gets an idea. I'm going to take the car door The other two, giving him a funny look.
Well if it gets hot, we can roll down the window!
It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf...
It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Intended Grandchild!
A man is walking past this house when a used c**... comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.
An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.
The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"
The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."
The passerby hands him the used c**... and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"
Did you hear the joke about the UPS guy?
So one day a UPS worker, Jim, gets an unusually large box to bring on his daily route. He checks the address, which was not in his assigned area. However, without thinking much of it, he starts driving there. As he pulls up to the curb he sees that the house looks deserted, with boarded up windows and a dead tree in the yard. Despite a little bit of superstitious fear, he manages to get the box to the door.
When he rings the doorbell, he hears a creaking from inside the house. When the door opens, there is no one there.
Timidly he says "H..hello? Is anyone there?"
Just as he finishes saying that a---
No, no, no, I can't say the punchline, I'm not very good at telling jokes.
This one is really all about the delivery.
A Blonde, Brunette, and a Redhead...
were driving down a desert road when the car runs out of gas. Realizing the gas station is still 10 miles ahead, they each decide to take one item with them.
The Blonde asks the Brunette, "What are you going to take?". The Brunette responds, "I am going to take these sodas with us just in case we get thirsty, we have something to drink."
The Blonde then asks the Redhead, "What are you going to take?". The Redhead responds , "Well I guess I'll take the rest of the McDonalds we bought. If we get hungry, we have something to eat."
The Blonde then says aloud, "Well then I will take the car door, we're in the desert afterall, so if we get hot we can roll down the window."
Canadian Blonde Joke.
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
A snail walks into a car dealership...
And he asks the salesman about car customization. He shows the salesman a car that he's thinking about buying, but there's something he wants to change about it. The salesman asks him what it is, and the snail tells him he wants the letter 'S' painted on the doors, roof, and windows, as large as possible. The salesman wonders why, and the snail responds:
"Because when I drive down the street, I want to hear people say 'hey, look at that S-car-go!'"
3 women go to the desert a brunette, redhead, and a blonde and each only bring one thing...
The brunette was asked what she brought. She said she brought food in case they got hungry.
The redhead was asked what she brought. She said water in case they got thirsty.
The brunette was asked what she brought. She said a car door so if they got hot she could roll the window down.
The wife and her husband...
The wife and her husband sat in their trailer watching a cooking show on TV, as the wife notice a romantically involved couple next door through the window. The couple was lying down on a blanket, the girl nibbled the boys ear and he had his hand inside her T-shirt. You don't need to be a brain surgeon to see where this would develop.
«I can not decide whether I want to watch them or the TV», the wife jokingly said to her husband.
«Watch them», the man replied dryly, «you already know how to cook».
A blonde woman locks her keys inside her car...
And so she calls a locksmith to open it. When the locksmith (who is also blonde) gets there she pulls out her Slim Jim tool to open the door when she notices a problem, the driver side window to the car is wide open.
The locksmith looks to the driver and says, "Ma'am I can't use this tool on a door when the window is open, you're going to have to close it first."
Three drunks sitting at a bar
Three drunks sitting at a bar discussing who was the most drunk the previous day.
1st drunk says "I was so drunk last night i went home and blew chunks".
The 2nd drunk says "that's nothing! I was so drunk last night I drove home and crashed into a tree, kicked my front door down and woke up in the garden!".
3rd drunk says "that's nothing! I was so drunk last night I stole a police car drove it into my house, threw the TV out of the window and wet the bed!".
The 1st drunk says "I don't think you understood me, Chunks is my dog.".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and his wife were sitting down for dinner one night...
...When the wife goes "you know, the neighbours have an amazing layout for their kitchen with granite benches and beautiful cupboards, I see it from our kitchen every day, why can't we do something like that?". The Man thinks for a moment before replying "tell you what, I have the day off tomorrow so I'll get something done before you get home". The woman in a fit of excitement tells the man "you are simply amazing, I guess I'll have to make it up for you tonight". So the man and the woman continue their night ending in the most passionate, romantic s**... the man could have ever dreamt of.
The following day the woman goes about her daily business at work, eager to get home and see her newly remodelled kitchen. The woman makes her way home, opens the front door and rushes to the kitchen to find that the kitchen window had been boarded up.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At Saint Mary's Convent,....
... the Mother Superior is standing n**... in her room, having just stepped out of the shower.
There was a knock at the door and one of the Sisters said, "Mother Superior, there is a blind man here to see you and he's in rather a hurry".
The Mother Superior, not wanting to keep the unfortunate soul waiting decided there would be no harm in meeting a blind man whilst undressed.
"Send him in child", Mother Superior said, opening the door.
The blind man entered and staring at the n**... nun said, "I'm just here to measure the windows".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't Despair
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair ~ Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper and wrapped the $100 bill in it Then she got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge w**... of $100 bills.
"What's this?" she asked.
"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "*Don't Despair* paid 80-to-1!"
One of my grandpa's best Jokes
A young boy is on vacation in the Sahara desert with his family.
As they are gazing out across the sand, they notice a man walking around... carrying a car door.
"Hey! Why are you carrying that car door around in the desert?" asked the young boy.
The man looked over the family, wiped the sweat off his brow, and said;
"Well, when it gets hot I can put the window down."
...
My grandpa tells a lot of jokes like this, I will try to remember all of them and submit them here. He is 89 years old and still hand-turns the soil in his garden each year, he also built a large wooden trellis for his tomato plants. His jokes are starting to "grow whiskers" as my grandma says.
Three men are about to go into a desert...
The first man said, "I'll bring food in case we get hungry."
The second man said, "I'll bring water in case we get thirsty."
The third man said, "I'll bring a car door. If we get hot, I'll roll down the window!"
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Translated Brazilian Joke - A broken car in the desert
** In Brazil it is common making jokes about our colonizers, the Portuguese. I hope they do the same about us in Portugal, so... **
A Portuguese, a Brazilian and an Argentinian are driving through the desert when their car suddenly breaks.
João, the Brazilian suggests each one takes a piece of the car to help their journey walking back to the town.
Santiago, the Argentinian says: - I'll take the seat, so if I'm tired I can sit on it and rest.
João, the Brazilian says: - I'll take the radiator, so if I'm thirsty I can drink the water.
And Manuel, the Portuguese says: - Well, I'll take the door.
And both João and Santiago question Manuel: - The door?
Manuel says: - Yes, the door!!! So if it's too warm I can open the window.
:)
A blonde, brunette, and a red head go to summer camp and they can only bring one thing..
The red head brings a deck of cards, to keep herself entertained.
The brunette brings her homework, to get it done and live stress free.
The blonde brings a car door, so she can roll down her window if she gets hot.
Another Dutch joke about the Belgiums
Two Belgians are walking in the desert with a car door. One of them complains that its too hot. The other one says: "just roll down the window."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A policeman knocked on my door this morning...
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm s**...? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
What do you if there is a black out?
Make sure your doors are locked and windows bolted shut.
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A woman is lying in bed with her lover
"You should leave, my husband can come back home any minute now."
"Don't worry, whenever we hear the doorbell ring I will jump out of the window."
"Are you crazy? It's 11th floor."
"Everything is arranged. I asked my friends to stretch out and hold a big canvas for me to jump on."
Suddenly, the doorbell rings. Without a second thought, the lover quickly jumps out of the bed and leaps through the window. The woman stands up and opens the door where she sees an impatient man standing.
"I'm sorry, mam. Could you tell Bill that we c**... find the canvas?"
She actually said that?
A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night... My daughter walked into the living room and said, 'Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.' "
"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"
"Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said... 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign!'
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The Irish brothel
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman, "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.
The second Irishman says "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and s**... hats!"
They continue drinking their beer, roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi, when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died."
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A man knocks on the door of a supposed to be 'exclusive' brothel
A man knocks on the door of a supposed to be 'exclusive' brothel.
Through a small window in the door,the madam says,"What can I do for you,sir?"
"I'd like to get s**...," he answered.
"This is an exclusive club,"she explains."To join,you must slip a thousand dollars under the door."
The man does so,but the door doesn't open.
So he knocks again and the madam re-appears
The man says,"Hey, I'd like to get s**...."
The madam : "Again ?"
Three Irishmen were sitting in a pub, across the road from a brothel...
Three Irishmen were sitting in a pub across the road from the local brothel. As they watched through the window, they saw the Methodist minister creep up to the door of the brothel and slip inside.
"Ah, now - didn't I tell you? They're all a bunch of hypocrites, that lot. Such a shame, a man o' the cloth, giving way to temptation like that."
A few minutes later, the rabbi also entered the brothel.
"Would you look at that? Always acting so pious, but look at 'im now - dirty hypocrite. Givin' way to sins o' the flesh."
As they continued drinking, complaining all the while about the lack of moral standards of the minister and the rabbi, they saw the Catholic priest creep up to the brothel and knock on the door.
"Ah, now - ain't that a shame! One o' the poor girls must be dyin', and the good Father's come to give 'er the last rites!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A man meets his new neighbor for the first time as his neighbor arrives home from work.
He says to the man "Hi, I'm Todd, your next door neighbor, nice to meet you. I just have one question for you, when is your birthday?" The neighbor asks "Why would you want to know that?" Todd replies "I want to buy you a pair of blinds for your window, because in the last week I've seen you having s**... with your wife every night!". The neighbor says "Well that's awfully nice of you, when's your birthday?" Todd says "Why would you want to know that for?" The neighbor says " Because for your birthday I'm going to buy you some binoculars, that way you can see who's wife it really is, because I'm not married..."
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were cruising around in a pickup truck
As they were crossing a bridge, they lost control of the truck and it plunged into the river below. The redhead quickly opened her door and swam to the surface. The brunette's door was stuck, but she was able to roll down the window and also swam to the surface. The blonde unfortunately drowned - she couldn't get the tailgate down.
I went to see a dermatologist.
I asked him to do everything he could to stop me from breaking out.
He locked all the doors and barricaded the windows.
"When one door closes, another opens", he said.
"I thought I told you to get out of my house, not please come in through the window"
Zorro went up to his lover and left his horse
Under the window so he could jump right on, in case her husband returned.
So he is making love and suddenly hears knock on the door. He quickly grabs his clothes and jumps thought the window.
Woman opens the door and there is Zorro's horse and he goes:
"hey, tell him that it's raining outside and I will be waiting in the hall"
If I could bring three items to a desert island I would bring a trapping guide, a water purifier, and a car door.
With the trapping guide I could lay snares so I wouldn't go hungry, with the purifier I could have a source of clean water so I wouldn't get thirsty, and with the car door I could roll the window down so I wouldn't get hot.
Joe & Chester
Joe and Chester, two old-timers, are playing checkers. Joe says, "You know, Chester, as your next-door neighbor, I need to tell you somethin'. You should put up heavier curtains on your bedroom window."
"What makes you say that, Joe?"
"Well, sometimes at night I'll look over at your house, and I can see things I shouldn't oughta see."
"Like what?"
"Last night for instance... I looked over and could see you makin' love to your wife."
"Pffft! That shows how good your eyesight is. I wasn't even home last night!"
Why did ISIS leader bring a car-door to the desert?
-So he could roll down the window when it gets too hot.
How we joke in Kurdistan *fires ak*
A paranoid man stays at a hotel,
As per habit, he checks every inch of his hotel room looking for mics, cameras or any surveillance device.
Sure enough, right in the centre of the room, under the bed, under the carpet is a small, black metal object firmly bolted to the floor.
He takes out his equipment, detaches the metal object & throws it out the window.
The next morning the hotel manager knocks on his door & asks him,
"Good morning sir, did you have any problems last night?"
"Not at all" the man answered, "why do you ask?"
"Well, it's very strange" said the manager, "but in the room directly below yours, the chandelier suddenly fell down in the middle of the night".
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What does a suburban neighbourhood do if there's a b**...?
They lock their doors and windows.
Why the different branches of the military can't work together:
The reason why the services don't get along? They don't speak the same language. For example, if you tell a soldier to "Secure the building." he's going to set up claymores and machine gun nests with interlocking fields of fire. If you tell a Marine to "Secure the building." he's going to pie every room with his rifle in his hands and his Ka-bar on his waist. If you tell a sailor to "Secure the building." he's going to lock all the doors and windows and put all the sensitive documents in a furnace. If you tell an airman to "Secure the building." he's going to sign a lease agreement with an option to purchase.
A car carrying 3 men broke down in the middle of a desert...
"Let's each take a part and try to make it back to civilization." One of them suggested. They all agreed it was a good idea.
"I'll take the hood," said the first, "This way if I find myself atop a hill, I can slide down quickly, like a sled."
"I'll take the wheels," said the second, "In case I want to bring something with me I can roll it along instead of carrying it."
"I'll take the door." Said the last, "If I get hot I can simply roll down the window."
My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.
They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."
Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.
Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.
Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.
Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Two men are drinking away their sorrows...
In a bar high above the city when one says to the other "I think I want to kill myself." They other guy says "You know what? Me too. Let's do it." They walk over to the window and both jump out.
A few minutes later the second guy walks in the door and sits back down at the bar. The bartender says:"You sure are a mean drunk, Superman."
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are driving through the desert.
The car breaks down, and they've got no cell reception, so they have to walk to get help. The brunette says "I'll grab the bottled water in case we get thirsty." The redhead says, "I'll grab the snacks in case we get hungry."
The blonde rips the drivers side door off its hinges. "I'll take this door, so if we get hot, I can roll the window down."
Blonde's
An evil genie captured a blonde and her two friends and banished them to the desert for a week. The genie allowed each person to bring one thing.
The first friend brought a canteen so he wouldn't die of thirst.
The second friend brought an umbrella to keep the sun off.
The blonde brought a car door, because if it got too hot she could just roll down the window!
A guy California short stops a stop sign
And keeps going down an empty road. A cop who was sitting at the opposite corner sees this and pulls him over.
As he heads towards the drivers side door, the driver is rolling down his window and asks "What seems to be the issue, officer?"
"Well, I saw you didn't stop at the stop sign," he replies. "Is there any reason for that?"
The driver says, "Well there isn't anyone around, I figured it wouldn't hurt much, I did slow down."
So the officer pulls out his baton and starts wailing on the driver in his car.
As he's beating him, he's yelling "SIR, WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SLOW DOWN OR STOP?!"
A brunette, a redhead, and a Blonde get ran off the road...
Out on the middle of nowhere. The car takes a few tumbles, but they all come away ok. They all start gathering supplies they could find from the wreck.The brunette finds some water bottles, "We won't get dehydrated!". The redhead finds sunblock, "And we won't get sunburnt!". The blonde picks up the car door that fell off during the wreck and starts dragging it along when her 2 friends ask what she's doing. "If it gets too hot, we can roll down the window!".
3 guys are driving in the desert and their car breaks down...
Their destination is 2 days away on foot, so the guys decide to take pieces of the car so they don't die.
First guy says "I'll take the radiator, we can drink the water from this"
Second guy says "I'll take the hood of the car, it will give us shade"
Third guy says "I'll take the door, I can roll the window down if it gets too hot"
Every day when I get home from work I kiss my front door, then I cuddle one of the walls, and I comfort a few of the windows.
It's a detached house.
A blonde walked into a gas station...
A blonde walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door."
"Why, sure," said the manager, "We have something that works especially for that."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He heard another voice. "No, no, a little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.
When God closes a door, he opens a window.
It amuses him to watch the gluttons try in vain to escape his wrath.
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She's single... lives right across the street and I can see her place from my kitchen window! I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door!
I opened the door, she looked at me and said: I just got home, and I have this strong urge to go dancing and drinking, and maybe fool around a little....you know, have some fun. Are you doing anything tonight?" I quickly replied: "Nope, I'm free!" - "Great!" She said. Can you look after my dog ?"
Being a senior citizen, really s**...!!
An Italian, German, and Pollack are walking through the desert
The Italian is carrying a paper bag, the German is carrying a cooler, and the Pollack is carrying a car door.
The Italian looks at the German and asks, "Wern, why are you carrying a cooler?" He replies "In case we get thirsty!"
The German then asks,
"Luigi! Why do you have a paper bag?"
To which he replies "I brought sandwiches in case we get hungry!"
Finally, the German and Italian look over to the Pollack and ask "Hey Aleksander, why are you carrying a car door?
He replies "I brought it so when it gets hot we can roll down the window!"
So there is this small church in the middle of the country.....
this church is small and contains only 100 people. But on one Sunday morning demons and the devil start to flay around the church. Soon after they had appeared they burst through the church door and wreak havoc on those within the church. People are on fire, the priest has jumped out the window, but there is 67 y/o man sitting in the front. The devil approaches this man and asks "do you know who i am?" the man replies "yes sir" the devil then asks "then why are you not scared?" but the old man looks the devil dead in the eyes and says "I've been married to you sister for 35 years."