Win Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, papers?

I said, Scissors, I win and drove off.

I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

I got pulled over by the police ...

He came to the window and said papers ...

I said - scissors, I win - and drove off

He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!

How to win the war on drugs

1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

Why don't pedophiles ever win marathons?

They're always coming in a little behind.

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..

why don't foot fetishists ever win anything?

because they like the taste of defeat.

i'm not even sorry.

Why does Africa never win the Olympics?

Because it's a continent, dumbass.

Why do people with foot fetishes never win?

Because they like the taste of defeat

Did you hear about the pedophile that never could win a race?

He was always coming in a little behind.

Who would win if the American President debated the British Prime Minister?

After all, Trump may trump May, or May may trump Trump

My wife broke up with me yesterday because I'm a compulsive gambler and ever since, all I can think about is...

...how to win her back.

Hey, you wanna win?

Nah, we'll pass.

If France and Italy go to war, who would win?

None of them, France would surrender and Italy would switch sides.

What do cubs fans do after they win the world series?

They turn off their Xbox.

Why do Paedophiles never win races?

They like to come in a little behind...

My wife has left me because I'm a gambler.

How can I win her back?

America is a free country.

Free to Play, but Pay to Win.

Get Stoned Before an Auction

Even if you don't win anything, you'll still be the highest bidder!

Who is going to win tonight's presidential election?

The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.

Saw two blind people fighting today.

I said, "I think that the guy with the knife will win!" They both ran away.

North Korea is participating in the olympics this year, but they won't win.

Because all of their athletes that can run jump or swim are in south korea

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

The job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in his jeans.

A man enters a pun contest in a local paper...

He loses. So the next year, he enters 2 puns, doubling his chances. He still loses. So the third year, determined to win, he enters 10 puns. He waits, hoping at least one of his puns will win, but no pun in 10 did.

My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't

The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.

A police officer turned on his lights, pulled me over, walked to my window and said "papers?"

I looked at him with a smile and said "Scissors, I win." and drove off.
I think he wants to do best out of 3 because he's been chasing me for an hour.

Who would win in a drinking game between an Irishman and a Scotsman?

The distillery.

How do you get Germans to start a war?

Win the previous war.

Why don't you want to win an award for Best Feline Sphincter?

Because it's a catastrophe :-)

Yeah, ok, I'll be going now.

My wife said "If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds. I figured why wait, so surprised her that night.....

... with a shiny new bathroom scale.

Q: What do Cowboys fans do after they win the Super Bowl?

A: Turn off the XBox.

If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to share it with everyone.

Not the money, just going to let you know that I've won.

Arguing with strangers online is like wrestling sharks

Even if you win, it was a really stupid thing to do.

I once submitted 10 puns to a contest to see which one would win.

No pun in 10 did.

The president of the United States is going to debate the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Nobody is sure who is going to win. In other words...

Trump may trump May. May may trump Trump.

So this black guys stopped me on the subway and asked "did the Yankees win?"

I looked him in the eye and said "Yes, it's ok, you're free now"

What did the laziest man in the world win?

Atrophy.

A Greek and an Italian are arguing over whose culture is superior.

he Greek says "We built the Parthenon." the Italian says "We build the Colosseum." The Greek says "We came up with advanced Mathematics" The Italian says "We made the Roman Empire." The Greek is getting frustrated finally realizes how he can win the argument. "We invented sex." The Italian replies "True, true, I can't argue with that, but we thought of having it with women."

Who would win a battle between an orangutan and a hyena?

I don't know, but we'll find out November 8, 2016.

My aunt always said the slow and steady win the race

She died in a fire

A man comes home to his wife after winning the lottery

The man says to his wife, "Honey, if I were to win the lottery, what would you do?"

The wife becomes started by her husband's inquiry but replies, "Well I would take half of it and then leave you."

With a huge grin on his face, her husband says, "Perfect! I won ten dollars!"

I bought a racehorse today, I called it My Face

I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want a bunch of people shouting Come on my face

Why did the French have so many civil wars?

So they can win once in a while

"Yes, you're free now"

I'm walking down the street in New York City when a black guy walking by me stops and ask, "Hey, did the Yankees win?". I ponder for a second then respond, "Yes, you're free now" and continue on my way.

My dad used to beat me while playing chess...

Because I'd always win.

The police just pulled me over and said "Papers?"

I said, Scissors, I win and drove off.

I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.

She's obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter's college tuition money back?

A police officer stopped me on the highway

He told me "Papers, please".
I responded with "Scissors, I win !" and went back on my way.

Why did the scarecrow win so many awards?

Because he was out standing in his field.

A cop pulled me over and said, Papers?

I said, scissors, I win, and drove off.

He must have wanted a rematch because he has been chasing me for 45 minutes.

I really don't think Roy Moore will win the Alabama Senate election.

He'll probably come in a little behind.

Why did the Origami Artist never win a poker match?

Because he will always fold.

Why do the French have so many civil wars?

So they can win one every now and again. (Thanks, John Cleese! This was too good not to share.)

What award did the kid in a coma for six weeks win?

Atrophy.

I was playing chess with my Australian friend

He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".


I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"


Confused he said, "mate, I know."

My niece comes up with the best kid jokes. Why did the scientist remove his doorbell?

He wanted to to win the **Nobel Prize!**

It's no surprise that the Williams sisters...

It's no surprise that the Williams sisters always win at tennis.

Black people have centuries of experience serving.

And appearing at the courts, for that matter.

Why did Hitler always win foot races?

He was the fascist one.

The Winter Olympics.

Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.

[NSFW] Why don't pedophiles ever win races?

They're always coming in a little behind.

I bought a racehorse today

I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face. I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear people shouting, "Come on My Face."

What are the funniest win jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Win? Well, here are the best Win puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Win pick up lines to share with friends.

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