Win Jokes
154 win jokes and hilarious win puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about win that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Can you win at jokes? If you've ever been the one to come up with the most amusing punchline, you know the answer is yes! Read on for tips on how to deliver the winning joke--plus some fun stories of people who have won the lottery, Oscars, or a trophy for best joke-teller.
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Funniest Win Short Jokes
Short win jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The win humour may include short won jokes also.
- If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States
This is not a political post, I just want to travel - The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, papers? I said, Scissors, I win and drove off.
I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes. - 2 blind guys were about to fight I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
Both started running away. - My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN, I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!! - Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election? Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
- How to win the war on drugs 1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service. - Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics? because they practice at the best schools
- My wife broke up with me yesterday because I'm a compulsive gambler and ever since, all I can think about is... ...how to win her back.
- If France and Italy go to war, who would win? None of them, France would surrender and Italy would switch sides.
- After winning the game, I threw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV. Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
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Win One Liners
Which win one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with win? I can suggest the ones about atrophy and opponent.
- What do you get for winning a muscle loss competition? Atrophy.
- My wife left me because of my gambling addiction But I know I can win her back
- Did Johnny Depp just win the defamation case or was it… misheard?
- La La Land wins Oscar in Best Picture But Moonlight won the popular vote
- Who would win in a street fight between joe Biden and Donald Trump? Everyone watching
- Hey, you wanna win? Nah, we'll pass.
- What do cubs fans do after they win the world series? They turn off their Xbox.
- Why do Paedophiles never win races? They like to come in a little behind...
- America is a free country. Free to Play, but Pay to Win.
- If Hillary wins, I'm moving to... Benghazi. At least I know there, she'll leave me alone
- God finally answer my prayers for winning the $15 million lottery. The answer is no.
- There are only two outcomes in a knot-tying competition. Win or loose.
- Who would win in a drinking game between an Irishman and a Scotsman? The distillery.
- What's better than winning a gold medal in the Paralympics? Walking.
- What does Lebron James do after winning the nba
Championship? He turns off his Xbox.
Lottery Win Jokes
Here is a list of funny lottery win jokes and even better lottery win puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery... I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.
- A man runs home after winning the lottery "Honey honey! We won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
"Oh my god that's amazing! Where are we going?!"
"I don't care, just get out!" - If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to share it with everyone. Not the money, just going to let you know that I've won.
- If I ever win the lottery I'll give some of the money to charity. .....And if she isn't dancing that night I'll give some Destiny
- A Jewish couple win the lottery... The wife asks Isaac - what are going to do about all the begging letters?
Isaac says We keep sending them! - What's better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.
- Did you hear about the guy who blew his entire lottery winnings on a limousine? He had nothing left to chauffeur it.
- A farmer wins the lottery A reporter asks him: " What are you going to do with the money?"
He says: "I'm just going to keep on farming until it is all gone. - Meeting my wife was like winning the lottery… …because 3 years later I was completely broke
- If I win the lottery, I'm going to give all the money to charity. After all, she's my favourite dancer down at the Jiggly Hut.
Surely Win Jokes
Here is a list of funny surely win jokes and even better surely win puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Tonight, I will be judging the "World's Largest Ribeye" competition. I am not sure who will win. But the steaks are huge.
- I sure hope Roy Moore wins today Alabama needs a congressman who isn't afraid to get his hands on the issues before they get too big.
- I wasn't sure about doing a charity marathon but... I realised it was for disabled people so I thought I had a good chance of winning
- Just made a bet with my mate about who would get married first He said may the best man win.
I said I'm not sure that's how this works mate. - What's the best way to make sure the Italian entry wins a Broadway Trophy? Rigatoni
- 2016: Surely Donald Trump won't win 2017: He can't do that... right?
2018: I hope my district wins the Hunger Games! - Apparently Bill Clinton is so sure that Hillary is going to win that he stopped at the tobacco store and bought a box of cigars. He has interviews scheduled for his new interns all day.
- daily commute I'm not sure if people don't sit next to me on the train because I'm black, or because I look Muslim. It's a win for me either way.
- The judge asked the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?" "I do."
"And do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure. My side will win." - How does Bigfoot know what time it is? He looks at his sasquatch.
I made this up at work. It's a dad-joke for sure. I googled it and found no record of it.
What do I win?
Lotto Win Jokes
Here is a list of funny lotto win jokes and even better lotto win puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Being kissed by a girl is like winning the lotto I can pay for both, but get nothing in the end
- Did you hear about the Horse who won the Lotto? Nobody has. When they asked if he had the winning ticket he only told them "Nay"
- I know a guy from North Carolina who spent 200 million on the lotto. He said that if he doesn't win, his life savings are gonna go south.
- A farmer wins twelve million dollars on the lotto max. A reporter asks him what he plans to do with his new found wealth?
Well I'll just keep on farming till it's gone I guess. - Greenlanders finally decided to participate in the Viking Lotto They are inuit to win it.
- Why don't people win the lotto Because the NSA runs it
You Win Jokes
Here is a list of funny you win jokes and even better you win puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic. We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first canadian president, or the last president.
- British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k
- What does a Maple Leafs fan do after his team wins the Stanley Cup? Turns off the Playstation and goes to bed.
Too soon? - I saw a skinny guy getting brutally beat up by 5 huge guys! I'm not the hero type, but still decided to help out. It felt good being on the winning side for once.
- I think winning the war on drugs is impossible. I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.
- Who is going to win tonight's presidential election? The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.
- *A joke my son told me* - What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show? A Cat-Has-Trophey!
- I wish my college professors graded papers like Trump 'wins' elections \*Professor grading my test\*
Well he got the first couple questions right looks like I can stop grading the rest. - Trump Advisor: "You should't have called Putin to congratulate him on winning a sham election...." Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"
- Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins? Society
Happy Win Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about win you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean championship jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make win pranks.
A farmer goes to the market to sell his horse for $2000, and a man buys it from him.
The farmer says he'll deliver it to to man in 1 week's time, but halfway through the week the horse dies.
The farmer offers to refund the man's money, but the man chooses to buy it anyway.
The next week the farmer sees and asks the man what he did with the dead horse.
The man says 'Oh I held a lucky draw, $50 for a chance to win a horse. 100 people entered, and I collected $5000.
The farmer, shocked, asks 'But wasn't anyone upset with the horse?' The man replies
'Oh yes, only the winner, but I refunded him his $50.'
A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.
He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"
"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night"
The man sits and thinks it over, and a couple minutes later the bartender asks if he wants to have a go.
"Nah, the steaks are too high"
TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
A dog and a cat were having an argument on who is the favorite of humans
The dog says, Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.
The cat smiles and says, You're not really going to win this one you know.
A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament
Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
why don't foot fetishists ever win anything?
because they like the taste of defeat.
i'm not even sorry.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does Africa never win the Olympics?
Because it's a continent, d**....
I was in a bar the other day, when a girl asked me, What do you do? I responded, I race cars. Screeching with excitement, she shot back, Do you win many races!? I sighed...
No, the cars are much faster.
An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him.
The Devil made him an offer. I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife's soul, the souls of your children, your parents, grandparents, and those of all the your friends. The lawyer thought about it for a moment, then asked, But what's the catch?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
God and Satan arranged a basketball game between Heaven and h**....
"I know for a fact we are gonna win," said God. "We have all the best players up here...Wilt Chamberlain, Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, and so on."
"I wouldn't count on that, God," said Satan. "You see, down here, *we* have all the referees."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Liar
A minister passed a group of teenaged boys sitting on the church lawn. Evening, boys. What are you doing? Nothing much, Pastor, replied the one lad. We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about his s**... life. Boys, boys, boys! intoned the minister. I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never thought about s**... at all. The boys looked at each other and then said in unison, You win, Pastor!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Get s**... Before an Auction
Even if you don't win anything, you'll still be the highest bidder!
Two friends are arguing...
"Look, I have a colony of ants!"
"Well, I have taller ants than you"
"Oh, well I have a tube of glue"
"Hah, I have an entire tin"
"I got bread!"
"Argh, you win! I can't handle that bread with my glue tin 'n' taller ants"
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field!
The job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in his jeans.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon
You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just s**... on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won
A man enters a pun contest in a local paper...
He loses. So the next year, he enters 2 puns, doubling his chances. He still loses. So the third year, determined to win, he enters 10 puns. He waits, hoping at least one of his puns will win, but no pun in 10 did.
My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't
The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.
Did you see that gymnast from North Korea in the Olympics?
She didn't win gold but her execution was flawless.
Why don't you want to win an award for Best Feline Sphincter?
Because it's a catastrophe :-)
Yeah, ok, I'll be going now.
My wife said "If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds. I figured why wait, so surprised her that night.....
... with a shiny new bathroom scale.
Q: What do Cowboys fans do after they win the Super Bowl?
A: Turn off the XBox.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Arguing with strangers online is like wrestling sharks
Even if you win, it was a really s**... thing to do.
I accidentally called my wife a 'trophy' the other day...
She shot back, Oh come on, just because you always finish first doesn't mean you win anything!
The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"
Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.
The day on which the paper announced the contest winner finally arrived! I scanned, and then carefully read the full-page of submissions, but the truth stared me in the face. Of my submissions that should have won, no pun in ten did.
I once submitted 10 puns to a contest to see which one would win.
No pun in 10 did.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the laziest man in the world win?
Atrophy.
Who would win a battle between an orangutan and a hyena?
I don't know, but we'll find out November 8, 2016.
My aunt always said the slow and steady win the race
She died in a fire
A man comes home to his wife after winning the lottery
The man says to his wife, "Honey, if I were to win the lottery, what would you do?"
The wife becomes started by her husband's inquiry but replies, "Well I would take half of it and then leave you."
With a huge grin on his face, her husband says, "Perfect! I won ten dollars!"
The Defense pleads 'Not Guilty by reason of insanity' and loses
They go to appeal and plead 'not guilty by reason of insanity' again, expecting a different result.
They win the appeal.
I bought a racehorse today, I called it My Face
I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want a bunch of people shouting Come on my face
Why did the French have so many civil wars?
So they can win once in a while
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil told the lawyer, ''I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.''
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, ''So, what's the catch?''
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three Surgeons meet in a bar...
Three Surgeons meet in a bar and talk about their work. The first one says "I sew 2 fingers that were cut off back on a guys hand, and I did it so well that he still became a famous pianist". The second one says "Thats nothing, I sew a guys legs back to his torso and did it so well that he still was able to win gold in the olympics". The third one says "a cowboy and his horse were hit by a train and the only thing i had left to work with was the guys a**... and the horses blond mane. I did my best and the guy became president of the USA".
How does a male farmer win the heart of a female farmer?
Attract her.
My dad used to beat me while playing chess...
Because I'd always win.
My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.
She's obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter's college tuition money back?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why dont foot fetishists win races?
Because they love the smell of defeat.
I really don't think Roy Moore will win the Alabama Senate election.
He'll probably come in a little behind.
Why did the Origami Artist never win a poker match?
Because he will always fold.
What award did the kid in a coma for six weeks win?
Atrophy.
I was playing chess with my Australian friend
He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".
I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"
Confused he said, "mate, I know."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My niece comes up with the best kid jokes. Why did the scientist remove his doorbell?
He wanted to to win the **Nobel Prize!**
It's no surprise that the Williams sisters...
It's no surprise that the Williams sisters always win at tennis.
Black people have centuries of experience serving.
And appearing at the courts, for that matter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did h**... always win foot races?
He was the fascist one.
A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...
Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.
She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I was interested in taking part in a marathon.
I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought "d**..., I might actually win this".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two h**... were sipping shine on the front porch
When a truck went passed loaded up with rolls of sod.
I'm a-gonna do that when I win that there lottery announced h**... #1.
Do wuuuut? Asked h**... #2.
Send my lawn out to git mowed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
Tiger Woods playing golf.
Sorry if this is a repost, but I found this one quite funny.
Tiger Woods is practicing golf one day, surrounded by fans and media. While he's practicing, an amateur
golfer confidently walks up to him and challenges him to a match. Tiger knew he'd win, so he agrees thinking that it would be a fun break from serious practice. "OK," the amateur says, "Since I'm an amateur and you're a pro, you'll have to allow me two gotchas". Tiger didn't know what a gotchas is, but he didn't ask because he thought he'd win regardless of what handicap is placed on him. The fans and media leave the two alone so they can play in peace.
A few hours later, the two come out of the golf course and it turns out that Tiger Woods lost. The fans and media surrounded him wanting to know what happened. Tiger says, "I was starting the first hole, concentrating to tee off, you know, deep in thought. Right when I was about to drive the ball, he ran up from behind, grabbed my nuts and squeezed them tight while loudly screaming 'GOTCHA!!' can you imagine me trying to play eighteen holes waiting for the next gotcha?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Positive...
James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:
" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"
" -Terrible."
" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"
" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."
" -Well, you win some, you lose some... And what about your son, the intelectual one?"
" -He was the one driving the Ferrari. Died upon impact."
" -But what about your beautiful daughter, didn't she say she wanted to be a model or something?"
" -She did, yeah... And was with her brother. She died too. Only person who wasn't in the car was my wife."
" -Oh thank God! How is she?"
" -She ran off with my bussiness partner."
" -Well, at least you got the company."
" -Yeah, a bankrupt one... I owe millions."
" -Jesus, dude! Do you have anything positive in your life?"
" -Yeah, h**...."
What do the Dallas Cowboys do when they win the Superbowl?
Turn off their Nintendo and go to bed.
A professor makes a bet with a student
A professor makes a bet with a student. Every question the professor asks that the student can't answer the student will owe him $1, every question the student asks that the professor can't answer he owes the student $100.
Professor: What element has the atomic number 45?
The student having no idea hands the professor $1.
Student: What animal walks on 2 legs, sleeps on 4 legs, and runs on 3 legs?
The professor is stumped, so he gives the student $100.
Professor: Ok you win, but on earth was the answer to your question?
The student gives the professor $1 and goes home.
During the Vietnam war, if you reported one communist...
You would win one thousand dollars.
If you reported 2 communists, you would win 2 thousands dollars.
If you reported 3 communists, you would go to jail because you knew too many communists.
the most famous person in the history of the world
The teacher addressed his class,"I'll give five dollars to anybody who can name the most famous person in the history of the world."
An Irish boy raised his hand and said,"St. Patrick."
"Sorry Seamus, that's not correct."
Then a French boy raised his hand and said,"Napoleon."
The teacher replied,"I'm sorry, Jean, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and answered,"Jesus Christ."
"That's right, David! You win the five dollars. Congratulations!" As the teacher was handing over the cash he said,"You know David, I'm surprised you said Jesus Christ."
"Yeah, in my heart I knew it was Moses. But business is business."
I hate monopoly! My dad always beats me!
Its probably because I always win.
I used to play checkers with my dad but he would always beat me.
Probably because I would always win at checkers.
What do you win if you don't move a single muscle all week?
A trophy!
A Grand Prize
I phoned my local radio station today.
When the guy answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize."
"Wahoo!" I shouted in delight.
"It's a Maths question," he said. "Feeling
confident?"
"I've got a degree in Maths and I teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.
"Okay then, to win 2 VIP tickets to see Justin Bieber and to meet him back stage afterwards, what's 2+2?"
"7," I replied.
How to win an argument with a deaf girl?
Turn off the lights.
I win every argument I have with my chinese friend...
He's Wong, and I'm white.
When we see typos and do nothing
the errorists win
