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Win Jokes

159 win jokes and hilarious win puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about win that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Can you win at jokes? If you've ever been the one to come up with the most amusing punchline, you know the answer is yes! Read on for tips on how to deliver the winning joke--plus some fun stories of people who have won the lottery, Oscars, or a trophy for best joke-teller.

Funniest Win Short Jokes

Short win jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The win humour may include short won jokes also.

  1. If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States
    This is not a political post, I just want to travel
  2. The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, papers? I said, Scissors, I win and drove off.
    I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.
  3. I got pulled over by the police ... He came to the window and said papers ...
    I said - scissors, I win - and drove off
    He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!
  4. 2 blind guys were about to fight I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
    Both started running away.
  5. My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN, I sure am LUCKY!
    I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!
  6. My girlfriend just dumped me because of my gambling addiction. But I know I can win her back.
  7. Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election? Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
  8. If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country Not a political post, I just love to travel
  9. How to win the war on drugs 1) legalize all drugs.
    2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.
  10. The police just pulled me over, and the officer came up to my window and said papers? I said scissors, I win! and drove off. He's been chasing me for 45 minutes now, I think he wants a rematch.

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Win One Liners

Which win one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with win? I can suggest the ones about atrophy and opponent.

  1. What do you get for winning a muscle loss competition? Atrophy.
  2. My wife left me because of my gambling addiction But I know I can win her back
  3. Did Johnny Depp just win the defamation case or was it… misheard?
  4. La La Land wins Oscar in Best Picture But Moonlight won the popular vote
  5. Why do people with foot fetishes never win? Because they like the taste of defeat
  6. Who would win in a street fight between joe Biden and Donald Trump? Everyone watching
  7. Hey, you wanna win? Nah, we'll pass.
  8. What do cubs fans do after they win the world series? They turn off their Xbox.
  9. Why do Paedophiles never win races? They like to come in a little behind...
  10. My wife has left me because I'm a gambler. How can I win her back?
  11. America is a free country. Free to Play, but Pay to Win.
  12. If Hillary wins, I'm moving to... Benghazi. At least I know there, she'll leave me alone
  13. Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un jump off a cliff. Who wins? Mankind
  14. God finally answer my prayers for winning the $15 million lottery. The answer is no.
  15. There are only two outcomes in a knot-tying competition. Win or loose.

Lottery Win Jokes

Here is a list of funny lottery win jokes and even better lottery win puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery... I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.
  • A man runs home after winning the lottery "Honey honey! We won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
    "Oh my god that's amazing! Where are we going?!"
    "I don't care, just get out!"
  • If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to share it with everyone. Not the money, just going to let you know that I've won.
  • If I ever win the lottery I'll give some of the money to charity. .....And if she isn't dancing that night I'll give some Destiny
  • A Jewish couple win the lottery... The wife asks Isaac - what are going to do about all the begging letters?
    Isaac says We keep sending them!
  • What's better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.
  • Did you hear about the guy who blew his entire lottery winnings on a limousine? He had nothing left to chauffeur it.
  • A farmer wins the lottery A reporter asks him: " What are you going to do with the money?"
    He says: "I'm just going to keep on farming until it is all gone.
  • Meeting my wife was like winning the lottery… …because 3 years later I was completely broke
  • If I win the lottery, I'm going to give all the money to charity. After all, she's my favourite dancer down at the Jiggly Hut.

Surely Win Jokes

Here is a list of funny surely win jokes and even better surely win puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The president of the United States is going to debate the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Nobody is sure who is going to win. In other words... Trump may trump May. May may trump Trump.
  • Tonight, I will be judging the "World's Largest Ribeye" competition. I am not sure who will win. But the steaks are huge.
  • I sure hope Roy Moore wins today Alabama needs a congressman who isn't afraid to get his hands on the issues before they get too big.
  • I wasn't sure about doing a charity marathon but... I realised it was for disabled people so I thought I had a good chance of winning
  • Back Together Again My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.
    MAN, I sure am LUCKY!
    I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!
  • Just made a bet with my mate about who would get married first He said may the best man win.
    I said I'm not sure that's how this works mate.
  • Just ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon I'll be sure to let you know which one wins so we can settle this once and for all.
  • What's the best way to make sure the Italian entry wins a Broadway Trophy? Rigatoni
  • 2016: Surely Donald Trump won't win 2017: He can't do that... right?
    2018: I hope my district wins the Hunger Games!
  • Apparently Bill Clinton is so sure that Hillary is going to win that he stopped at the tobacco store and bought a box of cigars. He has interviews scheduled for his new interns all day.

Lotto Win Jokes

Here is a list of funny lotto win jokes and even better lotto win puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • If a man wins the lotto... Man- What would you do if I won the lottery?
    Woman- Take half and leave!
    Man- Well, I won 20 bucks, here's 10, now get out!
  • Being kissed by a girl is like winning the lotto I can pay for both, but get nothing in the end
  • Did you hear about the Horse who won the Lotto? Nobody has. When they asked if he had the winning ticket he only told them "Nay"
  • I know a guy from North Carolina who spent 200 million on the lotto. He said that if he doesn't win, his life savings are gonna go south.
  • A farmer wins twelve million dollars on the lotto max. A reporter asks him what he plans to do with his new found wealth?
    Well I'll just keep on farming till it's gone I guess.
  • Greenlanders finally decided to participate in the Viking Lotto They are inuit to win it.
  • Why don't people win the lotto Because the NSA runs it

Win Streak Jokes

Here is a list of funny win streak jokes and even better win streak puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What did the monkey say when he was on a winning streak? I've banana roll lately.
  • I hope the Orioles keep up their winning streak, Baltimore has been on fire lately.
  • This guy had a 73 win streak until I played with him. Then, he had a 74 win streak.
  • Why did the baseball player take his clothes off after the game? He wanted to start a winning streak

You Win Jokes

Here is a list of funny you win jokes and even better you win puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • why don't foot fetishists ever win anything? because they like the taste of defeat.
    i'm not even sorry.
  • Bruce Jenner winning woman of the year just proves that men are better than women at everything, including being a woman
  • Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics? because they practice at the best schools
  • Who would win if the American President debated the British Prime Minister? After all, Trump may trump May, or May may trump Trump
  • My wife broke up with me yesterday because I'm a compulsive gambler and ever since, all I can think about is... ...how to win her back.
  • If France and Italy go to war, who would win? None of them, France would surrender and Italy would switch sides.
  • After winning the game, I threw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV. Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
  • Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.
  • No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic. We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.
  • British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k

Happy Win Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends

What funny jokes about win you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean championship jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make win pranks.

A farmer goes to the market to sell his horse for $2000, and a man buys it from him.

The farmer says he'll deliver it to to man in 1 week's time, but halfway through the week the horse dies.
The farmer offers to refund the man's money, but the man chooses to buy it anyway.
The next week the farmer sees and asks the man what he did with the dead horse.
The man says 'Oh I held a lucky draw, $50 for a chance to win a horse. 100 people entered, and I collected $5000.
The farmer, shocked, asks 'But wasn't anyone upset with the horse?' The man replies
'Oh yes, only the winner, but I refunded him his $50.'

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"
"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night"
The man sits and thinks it over, and a couple minutes later the bartender asks if he wants to have a go.
"Nah, the steaks are too high"

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

A dog and a cat were having an argument on who is the favorite of humans

The dog says, Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.
The cat smiles and says, You're not really going to win this one you know.

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..

Why does Africa never win the Olympics?

Because it's a continent, d**....

I was in a bar the other day, when a girl asked me, What do you do? I responded, I race cars. Screeching with excitement, she shot back, Do you win many races!? I sighed...

No, the cars are much faster.

An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him.

The Devil made him an offer. I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife's soul, the souls of your children, your parents, grandparents, and those of all the your friends. The lawyer thought about it for a moment, then asked, But what's the catch?

God and Satan arranged a basketball game between Heaven and h**....

"I know for a fact we are gonna win," said God. "We have all the best players up here...Wilt Chamberlain, Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, and so on."
"I wouldn't count on that, God," said Satan. "You see, down here, *we* have all the referees."

A police officer pulled me over

He walked up to my car and said, "Papers?" to which I replied "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
I think he wants a rematch because he's been following me for an hour.

When I was a boy my dad gave me money....

When I was a boy my dad gave my money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my a**... but the next morning in the driveway sat a new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from electric company there to turn the lights off.
....Dad beat my a**... again ....

Liar

A minister passed a group of teenaged boys sitting on the church lawn. Evening, boys. What are you doing? Nothing much, Pastor, replied the one lad. We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about his s**... life. Boys, boys, boys! intoned the minister. I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never thought about s**... at all. The boys looked at each other and then said in unison, You win, Pastor!

Get s**... Before an Auction

Even if you don't win anything, you'll still be the highest bidder!

Who is going to win tonight's presidential election?

The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.

Saw two blind people fighting today.

I said, "I think that the guy with the knife will win!" They both ran away.

North Korea is participating in the olympics this year, but they won't win.

Because all of their athletes that can run jump or swim are in south korea

Two friends are arguing...

"Look, I have a colony of ants!"
"Well, I have taller ants than you"
"Oh, well I have a tube of glue"
"Hah, I have an entire tin"
"I got bread!"
"Argh, you win! I can't handle that bread with my glue tin 'n' taller ants"

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field!
The job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in his jeans.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I am a compulsive gambler

Ever since, all I can think about is how to win her back

Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon

You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just s**... on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won

When I was a boy, my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill

But instead, I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck.
I told my dad when I got home and he beat my a**....
The next morning, however, there was a brand new truck in the driveway.
We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from the electric company there to turn off the lights.
So dad beat my a**... again

A man enters a pun contest in a local paper...

He loses. So the next year, he enters 2 puns, doubling his chances. He still loses. So the third year, determined to win, he enters 10 puns. He waits, hoping at least one of his puns will win, but no pun in 10 did.

My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't

The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.

A police officer turned on his lights, pulled me over, walked to my window and said "papers?"

I looked at him with a smile and said "Scissors, I win." and drove off.
I think he wants to do best out of 3 because he's been chasing me for an hour.

Who would win in a drinking game between an Irishman and a Scotsman?

The distillery.

Did you see that gymnast from North Korea in the Olympics?

She didn't win gold but her execution was flawless.

How do you get Germans to start a war?

Win the previous war.

Why don't you want to win an award for Best Feline Sphincter?

Because it's a catastrophe :-)
Yeah, ok, I'll be going now.

My wife said "If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds. I figured why wait, so surprised her that night.....

... with a shiny new bathroom scale.

Q: What do Cowboys fans do after they win the Super Bowl?

A: Turn off the XBox.

Arguing with strangers online is like wrestling sharks

Even if you win, it was a really s**... thing to do.

I accidentally called my wife a 'trophy' the other day...

She shot back, Oh come on, just because you always finish first doesn't mean you win anything!

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.
The day on which the paper announced the contest winner finally arrived! I scanned, and then carefully read the full-page of submissions, but the truth stared me in the face. Of my submissions that should have won, no pun in ten did.

I once submitted 10 puns to a contest to see which one would win.

No pun in 10 did.

So this black guys stopped me on the subway and asked "did the Yankees win?"

I looked him in the eye and said "Yes, it's ok, you're free now"

What did the laziest man in the world win?

Atrophy.

A Greek and an Italian are arguing over whose culture is superior.

he Greek says "We built the Parthenon." the Italian says "We build the Colosseum." The Greek says "We came up with advanced Mathematics" The Italian says "We made the Roman Empire." The Greek is getting frustrated finally realizes how he can win the argument. "We invented s**...." The Italian replies "True, true, I can't argue with that, but we thought of having it with women."

Who would win a battle between an orangutan and a hyena?

I don't know, but we'll find out November 8, 2016.

My aunt always said the slow and steady win the race

She died in a fire

A man comes home to his wife after winning the lottery

The man says to his wife, "Honey, if I were to win the lottery, what would you do?"
The wife becomes started by her husband's inquiry but replies, "Well I would take half of it and then leave you."
With a huge grin on his face, her husband says, "Perfect! I won ten dollars!"

The Defense pleads 'Not Guilty by reason of insanity' and loses

They go to appeal and plead 'not guilty by reason of insanity' again, expecting a different result.
They win the appeal.

I bought a racehorse today, I called it My Face

I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want a bunch of people shouting Come on my face

Why did the French have so many civil wars?

So they can win once in a while

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, ''I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.''
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, ''So, what's the catch?''

Three Surgeons meet in a bar...

Three Surgeons meet in a bar and talk about their work. The first one says "I sew 2 fingers that were cut off back on a guys hand, and I did it so well that he still became a famous pianist". The second one says "Thats nothing, I sew a guys legs back to his torso and did it so well that he still was able to win gold in the olympics". The third one says "a cowboy and his horse were hit by a train and the only thing i had left to work with was the guys a**... and the horses blond mane. I did my best and the guy became president of the USA".

How does a male farmer win the heart of a female farmer?

Attract her.

"Yes, you're free now"

I'm walking down the street in New York City when a black guy walking by me stops and ask, "Hey, did the Yankees win?". I ponder for a second then respond, "Yes, you're free now" and continue on my way.

My dad used to beat me while playing chess...

Because I'd always win.

My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.

She's obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter's college tuition money back?

Elections

If the Republicans win the midterms, I will leave the United States.
If the Democrats win the midterms, I will leave the United States
This is not about politics, I just want to travel.

And so John said to David come forth and you shall win eternal life...

But David came fifth and won a toaster

A police officer stopped me on the highway

He told me "Papers, please".
I responded with "Scissors, I win !" and went back on my way.

Why did the scarecrow win so many awards?

Because he was out standing in his field.

Why dont foot fetishists win races?

Because they love the smell of defeat.

A cop pulled me over and said, Papers?

I said, scissors, I win, and drove off.
He must have wanted a rematch because he has been chasing me for 45 minutes.

I really don't think Roy Moore will win the Alabama Senate election.

He'll probably come in a little behind.

Why did the Origami Artist never win a poker match?

Because he will always fold.

Why do the French have so many civil wars?

So they can win one every now and again. (Thanks, John Cleese! This was too good not to share.)

jokes about win