Williams Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish

+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

****
_by Robin Williams_

Happy Birthday Robin!

If Bruno Mars married Venus Williams on Earth, do you think they'd have a Sun?

Only if they planet.

It's no surprise that the Williams sisters...

It's no surprise that the Williams sisters always win at tennis.

Black people have centuries of experience serving.

And appearing at the courts, for that matter.

Brian Williams and Bill O'Reilly walk into a bar

Or do they?

I went up to Serena Williams.

I said, "Serena, what's your favourite planet?"

She said, "It's Venus."

I said, "Oh sorry, Venus, what's your favourite planet?"

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked…

'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

This is for Robin Williams

A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"

The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the great clown Pagliacci. He's hysterically funny and will make you laugh til you cry. You will experience a joy unprecedented."

The man bursts into tears. The doctor, confused asks why. "Doc, I *am* Pagliacci."





Robin Williams was legendary. He was also human. He had his demons and battled them all his life. I don't like that he's gone, but I understand what he's dealt with. RIP.

Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is...

...Mrs Fire.

Trial in a small town.

In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded "why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me." She continued "You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."


The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"


She again replied "why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."


At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counsellors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."

My friends and I are all dressing as different Robin Williams characters at a Comic Con this weekend...

We're the Suicide Squad!

What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the South?

Nothing, someone's losing the trailer.
-Robin Williams

How does Robin Williams go thrift shopping?

Good Will Hunting

If Katt Williams had a nickel for every time he's been arrested...

He'd put them in a sock and beat someone with it.

A Man Goes to the Doctor...

The Doctor says, "Mr. Smith - you have to stop masturbating."

The man replies, "Why, Doctor?"

The Doctor says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

[Originally heard from Walter Cronkite and Robin Williams]

Bruno Mars, Venus Williams and Freddie Mercury walk into a bar

But they didn't planet that way

I called Serena Williams. I said, Serena, what's your favorite planet?

She said, It's Venus.

Me: I'm sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?

My favorite Robin Williams joke

U2 is playing a concert in Scotland, and as a hush comes over the crowd, Bono starts clapping his hands above his head very slowly.

As he claps, he tells the crowd, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." And a man stands up in the back of the room, and shouts "Then stop clappin' your hands!"

Thanks, Robin.

Serena Williams was fined $17k

Verbal abuse of the umpire: $10,000

Being warned for coaching: $4,000

Breaking her racket: $3,000

Stealing the moment from Osaka by calling the umpire a thief: Priceless

Grandmas and lawyers

Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren't prepared for the answer!

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney (the opponent's lawyer)?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. ..Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to jail for contempt of court !!!"

Why wouldn't the ref apologize to Serena Williams?

It wasn't his fault

Lord Williams turns to his butler

Lord Williams turns to his butler: "Jones, please prepare my black suit and binoculars. I'm going to a funeral."

"But why do you need binoculars?" Asks Jones

"My distant relative has died." Says Lord Williams

Is it too soon for a Robin Williams Joke?

It's been a few weeks, so I think the waters are safe for this joke I told my cousin:


David Carradine and Robin Williams are in heaven, Carradine looks at Williams and says, "what do you mean you weren't jerking off?"

So a Rabbi with a frog on his shoulder walks into a bar...

...and the bartender says: "That's awesome! Where'd you get one of those?"

And the frog says "Brooklyn! There's hundreds of em!"

*credit to Robin Williams for the joke

Q. What do Robin Williams and Joan Rivers want for Christmas?

A. Betty White.

What's the difference between a Southern wedding and a Southern tornado?

Nothing - either way someone's gonna lose a trailer

*shamelessly stolen from Robin Williams

A man goes to the doctor. The doctor says : Mr Smith you have to stop masturbating. The man asks : why doctor ?

Because I'm trying to examine you.

Joke is from the late, great, Robin Williams.

Anthony Bourdain and Robin Williams got into a fight over the phone.

After a while they both hung up.

At what time does Sean Connery like to watch the Williams sisters play?

Tennish.

Please use William Shatner in a sentence...

"Becky took Williams toy, so William Shatner lunch pail."

I once visited a gay strip club in Soho, where the main attraction was a drag queen/ stripper they called Mrs.Doubtfire...

She was hung like Robin Williams.

Robbin Williams was on a talk show in Germany

They asked him, Why do you think comedy is not big in Germany?

Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?

No.

A woodpecker's a bird...

...unless you're a puppet.

~ The late great Robin Williams

I sat next to a insurance women through a robbie williams concert

And through it all she offered me protection

What kind of spirits haunt an abandoned Benjamin Moore or Sherwin Williams?

Mineral spirits

Serena Williams' nickname should be...

Tennessee Williams

Probably too soon

News is Robin Williams didn't commit suicide.

Apparently, he was Ru-Fi-O'd.

I don't understand basketball terms.

I tried going hard in the paint and ended up getting banned from the Sherwin Williams

I sat next to an insurance salesman during Robbie Williams performance at the World Cup opening ceremony

And through it all, he offered me protection.

A German once asked Robin Williams why there are no funny German comedians

Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?

My wife and I rented Black Hawk Down last night.

Or, as Brian Williams likes to call it, the Brian Williams Story.

It was very noble of Serena Williams to fight sexism and inequality

By spoiling the fair, hard earned victory of an Asian woman

What is the name of the new game show hosted by Katt Williams?

Are You Stronger Than A 7th Grader?

Im in soo much debt..

My bills are so old, you could call em williams

Guess who's been sober for 10 months?

Robin Williams.

What happens when Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams try to make a Destiny's Child song about herbs and spices?

Bey Leaves.

Which pop star lives in the woods?

Feral Williams.

Hilary Clinton, Bill O'Reilly and Brian Williams walk into a bar

Well not necessarily a bar per se and they didn't actually walk in and they weren't together...Ok I made it all up

A friend of mine got us two tickets to Brad Williams.

He said I've seemed really sad lately, and that I could use a pygmy up.

What are the funniest williams jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Williams? Well, here are the best Williams puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Williams pick up lines to share with friends.

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